Original subtitles

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

[laughs]

Ooh! [growls]

Mommy! Aaaaaaah!

Duncan! Duncan!

Come on, clock.

Mrs. Snyder, I have a note for early dismissal at 11:00 a. m.

and it's 11:00 a. m.

God, it's only 11:00? Fine, go.

I can't really talk about why I'm leaving early,

but it's pretty big.

Also, everyone should know

when I come back, I won't be the same, so...

Sorry, did someone ask, "Why are you leaving early?"

No. Well,

it's not because a relative suddenly died.

And it's not because there's pee

mysteriously on the front of my pants again.

It's because I'm getting my braces off.

Whoo!

Yas, Kim!

Sorry, you paid me to ask why you're leaving and I forgot.

Enjoy the rest of English class, Marcus.

The next time you see this girl, she'll be a woman.

Okay.

Kimberly, go!

Tata for now.

[muffled] Come on!

I hate my life!

Hey, we don't keep any cash onsite.

I'm not here to rob you! I'm so sorry.

The AA meeting is down the hall.

They think you're a drunk. I get this all the time.

My rock and roll persona scares some people.

It's my badass cross to bear.

My renegade husband and I are here for our daughter's braces.

Hey, it says on Reddit that half the people

who get their braces off, their teeth come off with them.

Shut up!

This one girl had to make new teeth

out of her own toe bones.

Mom! Oh!

And now, she can't smile or wear opentoed shoes.

You're gonna be stumbling around with toeteeth.

[chuckles] Oohow!

Mom!

Jack, get Duncan outta here.

Come on, Dunker. Let's blow this joint.

Let go of me, you drunk!

So what first?

You wanna go look in the window where Tower Records used to be?

It's a lamp store now, but the vibe is still there.

Ugh, can I go back to school, please?

Oh, my God. Duncan, look.

A barbershop!

So? You said barbershops are hair slaughterhouses.

But this is a cool barbershop.

How can you tell it's cool?

There's a skull!

"Rockins Welcome"?!

Oh, we're doing this.

You here for a drink? Cut? Tattoo?

Or just to rev a motorcycle?

Whoa! Rev, please.

Rev. Rev, rev. [coughing]

And I'm gonna spruce up my ravishing mane,

but first, beer me and ginger beer him.

Ahh. Spicy.

Ow!

Ahh.

[gags]

All righty, let's get those braces off.

[mutters] I'm sorry, what?

I said, "Goodbye forever, old Kimberly.

'Twas a beautiful journey, but now 'tis done."

All right.

[bed cloth tears] You're up.

Let Daddio show you how it's done.

[bed cloth tears]

You're up.

Who's rockin' my chair next? Big Jack Harris!

That's the nickname I've secretly always wanted!

How about some Jack, Jack?

Sorry, my wife doesn't let me have brown liquor.

She says it makes me "sad and sleepy."

Well, your wife ain't here, is she?

[laughter]

[sadly] My kids are growing up so fast.

[snoring]

[pinball machine pings]

[grunts]

Okay, you're up.

All righty, just got to make sure

your teeth don't come out with it.

What?!

And you're good. No toe bones for you.

[gasps] Oh, my God!

[uplifting music]

♪ I've waited for this moment for what feels like eternity ♪

♪ But today's the day I can finally say ♪

♪ I am free

♪ I can chew all the gum I want to ♪

♪ I can get an MRI

♪ I can walk through a lightning storm ♪

♪ 'Cause it'll strike some other guy ♪

♪ I can smile without scaring babies ♪

♪ I can eat every sticky dessert ♪

♪ I can safely walk by magnets ♪

♪ You can kick me in the face, and it won't even hurt ♪

[horse neighs]

♪ Well, it hurts a little

♪ Look at me, I'm Kimberly

♪ I got a metalfree oral cavity ♪

♪ I wanna stand on the rooftop and shout ♪

♪ I can finally put anything in my mouth ♪

♪

♪ And now that we're talking about it ♪

♪ I wonder if I can put my fist in my mouth ♪

[muffled] ♪ Oh, my God, I did it

♪ I really put my fist in my mouth ♪

♪ Oh, yeah

[normally] ♪ Oh, yeah

♪ And also, just maybe

♪ The other kids won't be so critical ♪

♪ And also, is it crazy

♪ To think I might stop being so invisible? ♪

both: We see you.

♪ Look at me, I'm Kimberly

♪ I got a metalfree oral cavity ♪

♪ I wanna stand on the rooftop and ♪

all: ♪ Shout

♪ I can finally put anything in my mouth ♪

[snoring]

Hey, kid, think your dad still wants

this oldschool ponytail?

I don't know. He never talks about it.

[music swells]

♪

[gasps]

all: ♪ I can finally put anything in my ♪

♪ Mouth

♪

♪ My life with a ponytail ends now ♪

♪ I just wanna put a gun

♪ In my mouth

[sobbing]

[sobbing]

I'm weak. Worthless.

Like Samson when he lost his ponytail.

I told the barber how much it meant to you,

but he threatened to cut my head off.

Freaking barbers!

Relax, honey. It'll grow back.

So what if you look like a midlevel claims adjustor,

or a racist viceprincipal,

or a conversion therapist at an antigay camp, or a

Just stop! You don't understand.

That ponytail was who I am.

It symbolizes my rebellion.

It yelled, "I can't drive 55,

and I have a stash my kids don't know about!"

I want a stash!

Jack, you're confessing things for no reason.

No one's gonna notice. Going to school

to show everyone my beautiful, new smile.

Dad, you look weird. Love you. Bye!

[door slams] Come on, Duncan.

We're going back to that barber,

and I'm gonna give him a a bop on the nose.

"Bop on the nose"?!

That's not what Ponytail Jack would've said!

Let's go.

I've got school, but whatever.

I'm back!

Wow, Kimberly Harris!

She has teeth!

I've already forgotten she peed her pants.

This is my first day, so I don't know any different!

[panting]

Kimberly, is that really you?

Yes, sweet Claire. Your eyes don't deceive.

My braces are off, and my life is anew.

Who knows what path my newfound beauty will take me down?

Kimberly Harris!

You have just the look for the lead in my play,

"The Girl with the MillionDollar Smile"!

But you didn't even let me audition.

You said I don't have "it."

Well, you have "it" now.

And by "it," I mean your braces off.

Can this day get any better?

Oh, and you'll be playing opposite Marcus.

Congrats, Kimberly.

I'm glad your teeth didn't tear out like that Reddit girl.

Thanks, Marcus. Can't wait to read the script.

Even the other characters' parts.

Looking forward to our stage kiss.

[gasps] Our what?

[gasps] [grunts]

[giggles]

Kimberly?

I'm sorry. This really hurts my back.

I'm gonna get my first kiss! I know!

In front of everyone in school!

You know how to kiss, right?

Of course. Everyone knows how to kiss.

It's like knowing how to skip.

Our bodies just instinctively do it.

[hums, then grunts]

No!

That was a little overwrought.

This time, just try throwing it away.

Okay, Duncan. I'm gonna go in swinging.

As soon as I start to lose, call 911.

Excuse me, sir, I have to use the bathroom

and I need somebody honest to watch my armored car

filled with untraceable gold.

I can do it. I wasn't talking to you!

I was talking to this trustworthy citizen.

In case you wanna use the radio.

"Trustworthy"?

Oh, hey, Duncan.

Just picking up my sciatica medicine for mysciatica.

[chuckles] Yeah, that's good.

I'd love to make small talk with you, Mr. Mitch,

but I'm as mad as a March hare!

"March hare"? What's happening to me?!

Oh, hey, Mr. Harris.

I thought you were Duncan's youth pastor!

Ooh, that's one I didn't say!

You look official as hell.

Whatever you're running for, you got my vote, sir.

Well, I better go. I'm in a lot of pain.

[chuckles] Yeah, that's good.

What is this weird feeling?

Your lameass haircut is making people think

you're a respectable guy.

"Respectable"?

Do I look who tucked my shirt in?

[phone ringing]

What the hell is that? A little house?

It's a ringing phone.

And as someone born over 40 years ago,

I have to answer it.

[clears throat] Hello!

If you're enjoying that feeling of respect,

there's a lot more where that came from.

Hang up and follow the smell

of the smokey cocktail wieners.

[sniffs]

Get out of that little house, Dad.

Something smells good behind this door.

What the hell is this place?

all: Welcome to the Legion of the Oaks!

Who are these friendly jerks?

It's a lameo club

that tries to "make the town a better place."

[chuckles]

Let's get out of here.

[gasps] Wait! They got little hot dogs!

[muffled] You should hear what they have to say.

I knew I'd get you here someday, Jack.

Kenneth Hanaway.

Keg Stand Kenny?

Last time I saw you, you were doing a keg stand.

Oh, I'm sorry, Duncan. This is Keg Stand Kenny.

Last time I saw him, he was doing a keg stand.

What the hell happened to you?

Last time I saw you, you were doing a keg stand!

Oh, yeah. Keg Stand Kenny.

Yeah, that was fun when we were 18.

But you grow up, get married, have kids,

then you blow out your esophagus.

That changes a guy.

So now, you're one of those weirdos who goes around

putting in speed bumps, planting community gardens,

and making those little free libraries with mystery books?

Yes, and we want you to be part

of our dogooder organization.

Sorry, man, that doesn't fit my rock and roll persona.

What rock and roll persona?

Now that your ponytail is gone,

you can get the "high" of respect

and the "buzz"

of riding on an oldtimey fire truck in a parade.

Just like Jay Leno?

Exactly like Jay Leno.

You're a respectable member of society now.

Hmm...

No way. You can't Docker a rocker.

But we can khaki a Jackie.

Put this on. We've got a park bench to install.

What do you think, Duncan?

Should I betray the core of who I've always been

for the respectability I've always secretly craved?

Yeah, sure. [slurps]

I've never kissed anyone before.

Now I've gotta make out with Marcus

in front of the whole school?

Yeah, I hear ya.

Tomorrow in class, I have to tell time.

[groans] Pressure!

You know, your father and I were cast as Rizzo and Kenickie

when our school did "Grease."

What's "Grease"?

It's a filthy musical

that somehow became a beloved family favorite.

Anyway, I was so nervous about kissing your father

for the first time, I practicekissed everything.

My elbow. An apple.

An old magazine.

[in a British accent] Give me a smooch, guv'nor!

I'll find my own magazines.

Well, you better hurry. It's almost

[groans]

Thank you for giving me a lovely place to sit

before I die.

Our pleasure. And the Oaks will

add a little plaque when you do.

What do you think of that, ma'am?

Ma'am? Ma'am?!

[upbeat music]

♪ We're gonna have some oldfashioned fun ♪

Mm.

[all cheering]

[all aw]

[vacuum sucks]

[grunts]

[vacuum sucks] [squeals]

♪ But I still can fly

♪ Flying high above the clouds ♪

♪

♪ Where we'll have some fun

♪

♪ Where we'll have some fun

♪

All right, Kimberly. You got this.

Marcus is about to get the rehearsal kiss of his life.

Thanks, voice inside my head

that spends most of the time attacking me.

You're being very cool today.

Shut up, ugly! He's coming!

Oh, hey. Sup?

Hey, soupsup?

Ready to rehearse that kiss?

Oh, my God. What is that?

Oh, this? I think it's just a pimple,

but it itches and my doctor says it's not.

I've wanted to kiss Marcus forever,

and now he has a cold sore?

But maybe the doctor's wrong. Maybe it's just a pimple.

Yeah, that's it! A medical professional is wrong,

and the hottest guy in my grade is right.

Hey there, honey.

Just think of me as a big, beautiful,

itchy faceraspberry.

It is a cold sore! Ew!

If you get herpes, nobody will ever want to kiss you!

And you're disgusting enough as it is!

Actually, Marcus, I think we've got it down.

All of it. We're perfect actors.

Plus, um, my brother's dying,

so I should probably put some time in. Bye!

[wheezing]

So being in this Oaks Club is really making you happy?

Absolutely!

I'm no longer mistaken for an alcoholic or a criminal.

Today, I put in a bench and gave a eulogy.

Ruthie loved her puzzles. That was her name. Ruthie.

Yeah, I got that. And tomorrow,

I'm christening a new speed bump!

Speed bumps make you angry.

You hate when things slow your roll.

What has gotten into you?

I guess you could say that this citizen is upstanding.

Nasty girl.

[sighs] Yes. Yes, I am. Nasty.

[both moaning]

Oh, yeah. That's what I like.

Um, babe, you're nibbling the pillow tassel.

Kind of like how you'd nibble my ponytail.

Am I? I don't think I am.

You are. It's still in your mouth.

Is there something you need to tell me?

[gulps, then sighs] Okay.

Ever since you cut your ponytail

Good. Ever since I cut my ponytail, what?

I don't find myself attracted to

Now we're getting somewhere.

Don't find yourself attracted to, what? Work?

That's understandable. You can't have the passion

for the job every day like you did in the beginning.

You.

Okay, now you lost me. Let's recap.

Ever since I cut my ponytail,

you don't find yourself attracted to...

[gasps] Me?!

[screams]

Duncan, were those corn flakes

in that crockpot all night?

Oh, yeah. Slow and low.

Mmm, still tastes like cocktail wieners.

The trick is, never wash the pot.

Well, you might not find respectability sexy, Annie,

but the "Oakdale Bugle" sure does.

I didn't say you weren't sexy.

I just said you weren't sexy to me.

Should we leave the room? No, we're done.

Just like your mother's and my active sex life.

That's it.

Sup, Kimberly. You ready for our big kiss?

Girl, I think I love you.

[gasps] Hey, you know what?

The play sucks and is offensive to each of you individually.

You should go to Dad's dumb thing.

But I've been dreaming about your first stage kiss

since the day you were born.

And I got this zoomydigi camera

so I can get your lips right up close.

Mwah! Mwah!

Dad, who invented the crockpot?

Come on, son. You know this.

Irving Nachumsohn. Of course!

Speed bump turned out amazing, Jack.

Yeah, who needs keg stands when you're making

a school dropoff zone even more frustrating.

It's your big day.

Too bad your wife couldn't make it.

Yeah, it's too

There she is! I knew she was proud of me!

[whines]

We're pretending to not see you!

Hmm?

You think I'm attractive, don't you, son?

I don't know. You're like a six.

Mocktails!

[slurps] Mmm!

Extra tart lemonade, Mrs. Hanaway.

Oh, not in public, silly!

What is wrong with you? [giggles]

Mother doesn't like me having sugar after 4:00 p. m.

But lemon's a fruit. Wink.

Are you gonna start calling Mom "Mother"?

'Cause that is gonna mess my ass up.

Places in three minutes!

Three, ya!

Claire, you're my best friend

and you'd do anything for me, right?

Mmhmm. Kill me!

Sorry, as stage manager,

all I can do is turn the lights on and off.

Come on, come on. Come on!

I heard it's not just a cold sore.

It's canine herpes. What?!

Marcus' mom told him, "Practice makes perfect,"

so he went around kissing everything,

even letting his dog lick his face for hours on end.

This is why drama kids don't hook up.

I'm doomed. Yup.

Well, showtime!

[sighs]

[gasps] There's Kimberly!

I love you, Kimberly!

That's my sister.

Zoom works great, honey!

Mwah! Mwah!

Relax, Kimberly. I'll do all the work.

Okay, Jack, you'll drive your truck

10 miles per hour toward the bump,

then slow down and gently go over it to show its efficacy.

If it feels safe, give a wave.

But only if it feels safe.

Actually, a wave feels risky.

Save it for when the truck's parked after.

My phantom ponytail!

Dude, what are you doing?

The only thing I can do without you, conform.

Jackie, Jackie, look at me.

I didn't make you cool. You made me cool.

He's right, Dad.

Yeah, I can see him too. Sup, Dunk?

Enjoy those little hot dogs. Keep on crockin'.

Stay golden, Ponytail.

If you want to have sex with your wife again,

you know what to do, Jack.

Make that speed bump your bitch, Dad.

Hmm.

[grunts] I wanna do my wife!

[tires squeal] Good grief, Mother!

Nudity, profanity, reckless driving!

Look away!

Jack's back, baby!

Whoohoo! Whoa!

My crock!

[splashes]

Oh, mercy!

I'm telling ya, I've auditioned

every actress in Tinseltown! Excuse me?

Can't you see I'm on the phone?

Where was I? Oh, right. I'm telling ya,

there's just nobody out there with that milliondollar smile!

You mean like...

this?

Oh, baby!

It's always been you, mop girl.

I love you, Mr. Hollywood!

Oh, no. The herpe kiss!

I'm a stage manager, but I'm also a best friend.

[moans] [whimpers]

[both scream] Oh, no!

[gasps] No!

[grunts]

[gasps] Oh, can I keep it?

I'm keeping mine.

Jack that was so reckless and dangerous

and I've never been more attracted to you.

My man.

[cheers and applause]

Your parents kiss good.

I can't wait to kiss you.

Your mouth! It's so pristine.

So nonviral.

[grunts]

Kimberly, did I save the day?

Do I still have a milliondollar smile?

Nah, bruh.

No!

Ugh, I know how you feel.

I lost my crockpot today.

That all just happened, right?

Yeah, bruh.

[uplifting music]

♪ I've waited for this moment for what feels like eternity ♪

♪ But today's the day I can finally say ♪

♪ I've got parsley

♪ I can mix it into gummy bears ♪

♪ I can stir it up in tea

♪ And each and every birthday

♪ I make a big brownie

♪ And also, just maybe

♪ My mom won't be so critical

What? I'm going to the late service!

♪ And also, is it weird

♪ I think I am invisible?

Whoa, where'd I go? Man, this parsley hits.

What was I singing about? Oh, right.

♪ Here's the sitch, I'm Mr. Mitch ♪

♪ I have a trusty hoe

♪ Can't wait to pack these veggies in my bowl ♪

both: ♪ He can't wait to pack those veggies in his bowl ♪

♪

You saw that, right?

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