Original subtitles

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group and U.S. department of education

[Owl hoots]

[Shouting]

Quickly, though this passage.

Find us a way out!

This stone-- it's loose.

[Groans]

Hurry!

[Groaning]

We're through!

Come on!

Now which way?

Seems we have 3 choices.

[Pounding]

[Snorting]

[Roars]

Hyah!

Quickly!

Come on, man!

[Roars]

[Roars]

Woodsman: Pit!

Get ready to jump!

Aah!

Wait! Wha--?

[Utters magic spell]

[Beast snorting]

[Screams]

Well done.

Sinister voice: So, you've dispatched my minions,

escaped my deadly traps,

even defeated the dreaded semitaur!

But you have yet to face me...

Soraz--master of doom!

Die, pitiful worms!

Cheater!

What? You dare defy--

my whims?

I am the game master! You are my pawns!

I created the world you see before you.

I control your fate!

Yeah? Well, you're still a ch-ch-cheater!

I don't even know why we play this game with you.

All you ever do is try to kill us.

Yeah, we'll get to roll savings throws

to see if our constitutions can withstand evil magic.

Fine. You can have your little saving throws.

Roll the dice.

[Dice rattling]

41!

40!

43!

[Cheers]

Ha! 49!

You all fry!

You each shall lose...

20 life points!

Ha ha ha ha!

Aww...

Goodness, it's dark as a dungeon in here.

[Hisses]

How's your game coming along, boys?

Dexter's killing us.

Oh, lovely. Refills?

Yea, merrily.

Another f-f-flagon of mead, please.

No, thanks. I still have some magic elixir.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Dee Dee.

Hi, prince of darkness.

[Hisses]

Whatcha doing?

Playing "monsters and mazes."

We seek the magic grail,

and Dexter's the game master.

Ha ha ha ha!

Neat. Can I play?

No. Sure!

Dee Dee: Mom?

Of course, dear.

Can I be game master?

No. Sure!

Mom?

Of course, dear.

But created this dungeon, I should--

I think it's a good idea.

Yeah, you heard your mom.

Fine. Look here, girl.

This is the game master's screen,

full of reference charts and graphs.

Here is the rule books, the gemscape, the magic manual,

and the creature compendium.

Please do not step on my little miniatures.

And here is the dungeon map, containing my brilliantly designed mazes,

traps, snares, and--

[crash]

Ok. So who's what?

I am falcor, the hawk-eyed woodsman.

I am macagros,

the mysterious magician.

And I am valerian, the chivalrous kn-kn-kni--

paladin.

Dexter, you'll need a character, too.

I want to be gigex, the 27th-level warrior mage,

with a class 18 soul-sucking sword, and--

here you go.

You can be this guy.

Dexter: What?

Well, it seems hodo the furry-footed burrower

has joined our quest.

[Laughter]

Hey!

I don't want to be no furry-footed burrower.

What? You dare defy her whims?

She is the game master. You are her pawn.

She controls your fate!

Ready? Here we go!

Dee Dee: So you're walking through the forest, and--

what? A forest? We were in a dungeon!

And what about the evil wizard

who was zapping everyone?

Dee Dee: He's done.

What?

He's done zapping. Now move along.

So you're walking through the forest--

dungeon!

Ok, dungeon forest. Whatever.

You're walking along, and you're walking...

Um, and you're walking along, and you, um...

Yeah. And?

And, um...

A dragon comes out.

And?

And...he's scary. Crazy scary!

And he's coming to get you!

[Hisses]

[Utters spell]

[Hiss]

I unsheathe my deadly--

mandolin?

[Hiss]

Your weapon's no use!

Try your special skills.

Skills, skills, my special skill is...

Burrowing?

[Hiss]

[Hiss]

Aah!

I can't see!

Use the force!

Dee Dee: Your vorpal blade goes snicker-snack, and whack!

Off goes the dragon's head!

Yay, we did it!

And then candy starts spraying out of his neck.

Candy? Candy?

Surprise! He's a pinata!

[Muttering]

Mmm. My favorite.

Hey? Who are you?

Why, I'm philian poppyseed,

the precocious pixie prince.

Thank you all for purging me

from my perilous pinata prison.

If only there were some way I could repay your noble deed.

We seek the magic grail. Perchance you know of it?

Hmm...my mistress the fairy queen would.

She knows all the magical secrets.

The fabled court of the fairy queen!

Could you show us the way?

Could to your hood, hero,

'cause here we go!

Voila!

Queenie, I'm home!

Philian, my precious!

[Kiss kiss]

I'm so glad you're back safe and sound.

I owe it all to these brave souls.

Stand, heroes,

so that I may Grant you your just rewards.

For you, brave knight--

a mighty steed.

For you, woodsman--

a forest stronghold.

[Caws]

And for you, magician--

a lovely assistant,

and a lifetime of sold-out shows in Las Vegas.

Cool! So I must get the magic grail, huh?

Is that what you want?

Well, yeah. That's what we've been questing for.

Wow, what's it do?

Well, you can drink from it,

and it'll never spill.

That's it?

That's it!

Lame!

That was the stupidest game ever.

You know nothing about "monsters and mazes."

I am the true game master!

Right, guys?

Yeah, that was fun! That was great! Fantastic!

Great--i got another game we can play.

Welcome to the mystery dating game,

where our lovely bachelorette will choose one lucky bachelor

for a fabulous mystery date.

Bachelorette, quiz 'em.

Ok. Say we're stranded alone on an island.

Do you have any skills that would come in handy, bachelor number 4?

I dig holes.

Dee Dee, Dee Dee!

I heard this great joke.

Ha ha ha!

Ok, here it goes.

A physics professor and his assistant

were working on liberating negatively charged hydroxyl ions,

when all of a sudden the assistant says,

"wait, professor. What if the salicylic acids

don't accept the hydroxyl ion?"

And the professor responds,

"that's no hydroxyl ion.

That's my wife!"

Ha ha ha ha!

♪ Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride ♪

♪ uh-hmm, uh-hmm

♪ froggy went a-courtin', and he did ride ♪

♪ a sword and a pistol by his side ♪

♪ froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride ♪

♪ uh-hmm, uh-hmm

♪ he rode up to miss mousie's door ♪

♪ uh-hmm, uh-hmm

♪ he rode up to miss mousie's door ♪

♪ where he had often been before ♪

♪ froggy went a-courtin', and he did ride,

♪ uh-hmm, uh-hmm

♪ he said, "miss mouse, are you within?" ♪

♪ uh-hmm, uh-hmm

♪ he said, "miss mouse, are you within?" ♪

♪ "just lift the latch and please please come in" ♪

♪ froggy went a-courtin', and he did ride ♪

♪ uh-hmm, uh-hmm

[truck horn honks]

[Tires screech]

Hey! Who you think you are? King of the road?

Now, Dexter, no yelling.

You'll only cause trouble.

Your father's right, dear.

Plus we're all fine. Right, honey?

10-4 on that, pretty lady. We're a-ok.

Yeah, but the car's not. Look!

[Engine conking out]

Honey, now what do we do?

We tune up the car and

Dexter: Uh, dad...

Are you sure about this?

Dad: Of course.

What could possibly go wrong?

[Grinding]

[Bones crack]

[Crack]

Aah!

Howdy, y'all.

So long, clem. Better luck next time.

Thanks, midge. See ya around.

Ahem!

Can I help you?

Hey, city boy!

What can I do you for?

Oh, hi. Well, my family and i--

well, our car broke down,

and, uh, ahem.

Could we talk to your mechanic?

You're lookin' at her.

Oh! Ok, well--

but my shift here ain't over for an hour,

so's you might as well take you a seat.

Ok. Thank you.

Dad, are you sure this place is safe?

Oh, of course, Dexter. This here is good people.

Yeaahhh!

Aughh!

Oooohh!

Should we be worrying about that screaming?

Oh, it's probably just one of the local yokels

telling a funny... Jokel.

[Laughter]

Oh, hellokel.

We'd like some menus, please.

We ain't got no menus.

We got hamburgers, ham sandwiches, and hamhocks.

Oh, well, we'll have 4 hamburgers, please.

No, you won't.

Ok. Ham sandwiches, then.

Trust me-- you don't want them.

Hey, Mel! 4 orders of hamhocks!

What are hamhocks?

They're gross.

Dad!

Ok, kids. Relax.

It's just this country western music.

Gives you the blues.

Now let me go talk to Mr. Jukebox

and see if we can't lighten the mood a little, huh?

Do you think he'll be ok?

Nokel.

Jukebox: ♪ ...Purty as a flower

♪ she watched TV while I worked ♪

♪ then she'd stay out all night ♪

♪ leave me to worry

♪ I would sit by the phone, feeling plum stuck ♪

♪ but I still--

[song stops]

[Pop music plays]

Huh?

Uh, sorry.

[Thudding footsteps]

Uh-oh.

Is there a problem?

Well, you can't win them all.

[Grinding]

I'm sensing anger.

Is there anything I can do to quell that temper?

Midge: Ya gots to arm-wrestle him.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm the nonviolent type.

Like, I was just telling my son Dexter

before our car broke down out front--

[crash]

[Thudding footsteps]

Honey?

Dad?

Are you ok?

Hey, dead man.

That's you, dad.

Uh, yes?

Now, your car was broken when y'all got here, right?

Uh, yes. Why?

Well...

No, I don't care what you do, Earl.

I'm not going to wrestle you.

Oh, honey, I'm so proud.

Cool!

Wow, dad!

You see, Dexter, violence is not the answer.

Now let's get out of here, huh?

Yay!

Oh, I forgot my purse.

I'll be right back.

Ok.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Earl!

You can humiliate me, you can destroy my property...

Honey?

But don't not ever hold a door open for a lady,

especially my wife!

You! Me! One hour! Arm-wrestling!

Be there or be square!

[Cracking]

Dexter, dad doesn't stand a chance.

Do something!

Like what?

I don't know! Make with the science or something!

Ok, ok. Relax,

and leave the rest up to me.

Dexter: Hey, dad?

Yes, son?

Are you sleepy?

No, why-- uhhhhh...

[Snoring]

Oh, no reason.

[Clang clang]

Whew.

[Hawks]

Ptui!

[Metal clang]

Dexter: Hey, dad?

Hello?

Wait, don't--

hi.

Uhhh. What happened?

Uh, you fell asleep,

but now it's time for your big match

with Earl.

Earl?

Earl!

You ready, Earl?

Let's do this!

[Thud]

[Whirrs]

My, that's a fancy watch.

Thanks.

[Whirrs]

[Whack]

Dexter!

Oh, yeah!

[Truck horn honks]

All: Yee-ha!

I'm so proud!

Hooray!

Dexter: Way to go!

Dad: Come here, family.

[Strangling]

I guess I don't know my own strength.

Enter at your own peril,

past the vaulted door

where impossible things may happen

that the world's never seen before.

♪ In Dexter's laboratory ♪

♪ lives the smartest boy ♪

♪ you've ever seen

♪ but Dee Dee blows his experiments ♪

♪ to smithereens

♪ there is gloom and doom ♪

♪ while things go boom ♪

♪ in Dexter's lab

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