Original subtitles

LET'S GO FOR A RIDE.

MY NAME IS GEORGE LASS. I'M 18 YEARS OLD, AND I AM DOWN THERE SOMEWHERE.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU A STORY. NOT MY STORY. THAT'S LATER.

THIS IS JUST A STORY. READY?

ONCE UPON A TIME, OR MORE SPECIFICALLY, AT THE DAWN OF TIME,

GOD, LOWER-CASE "G,"

WAS GETTING BUSY WITH CREATION,

AS THE KIDS THESE DAYS ARE SAYING.

HE GAVE TOAD A CLAY JAR AND SAID,

"BE CAREFUL WITH THIS. IT'S GOT DEATH INSIDE."

PLEASED AS PUNCH AND OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT

THAT HE WAS ABOUT TO BECOME GOD'S FALL GUY ON THE WHOLE DEATH ISSUE,

TOAD PROMISED TO GUARD THE JAR.

BUT THEN ONE DAY, TOAD MET FROG.

"LET ME HOLD THE JAR OF DEATH, OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT," FROG BEGGED.

WITH A NOD TO NANCY REAGAN'S PEARL OF WISDOM,

TOAD JUST SAID NO.

BUT FROG WAS DETERMINED,

AND AFTER MUCH WHINING, TOAD FINALLY GAVE IN.

"YOU CAN HOLD IT BUT ONLY FOR A SECOND," HE SAID.

IN HIS EXCITEMENT, FROG BEGAN TO HOP AROUND

AND JUGGLE THE DEATH JAR FROM ONE FOOT TO THE OTHER.

FROG WAS AN ASSHOLE.

"STOP," TOAD CRIED OUT, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE.

FROG DROPPED THE JAR AND IT SHATTERED TO THE GROUND.

WHEN IT BROKE OPEN, DEATH GOT OUT,

AND EVER SINCE ALL LIVING THINGS HAVE TO DIE.

MAKES YOU WONDER HOW MUCH BETTER THE WORLD WOULD BE

IF FROG STUCK TO HOCKING BEER.

SO, THERE YOU HAVE IT, THE MYSTERY OF DEATH FINALLY REVEALED.

WE ALL DIE, SOME OF US SOONER THAN LATER.

FOR ME, IT'S GOING TO BE MUCH SOONER,

BUT THAT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING OF MY STORY.

THAT'S NOT ME.

THAT'S ME.

I'D SAY I'M SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU,

BUT I'M NOT. I EXCEL AT NOT GIVING A SHIT.

EXPERIENCE HAS TAUGHT ME

THAT INTEREST BEGETS EXPECTATION,

AND EXPECTATION BEGETS DISAPPOINTMENT,

SO THE KEY TO AVOIDING DISAPPOINTMENT IS TO AVOID INTEREST.

A EQUALS B EQUALS C EQUALS A, OR WHATEVER.

I ALSO DON'T HAVE A LOT OF INTEREST

IN BEING A GOOD PERSON OR A BAD PERSON.

FROM WHAT I CAN TELL, EITHER WAY YOU'RE SCREWED.

BAD PEOPLE ARE PUNISHED BY SOCIETY'S LAW.

DROP YOUR WEAPON. PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!

AND GOOD PEOPLE...

WHO'S A PRETTY KITTY? YOU ARE.

[ MEOWS ]

COME ON, SWEETHEART.

[ CRASHES ]

...ARE PUNISHED BY MURPHY'S LAW.

SO, YOU SEE MY DILEMMA.

[ PHONES RINGING ]

GEORGIA LASS?

HI. I'M DELORES HERBIG, AS IN "HER BIG BROWN EYES."

I'LL BE YOUR HAPPY TIME CAREER COUNSELOR. WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME?

"SOME COLLEGE," HUH? DIDN'T FINISH?

"SOME" SEEMED LIKE ENOUGH.

MMM-HMM.

I SEE YOU HAVE MANAGEMENT EXPERIENCE IN THE FOOD SERVICE INDUSTRY.

BACON MEATO WITH A CHERRY PEPSI AND AN ORDER OF NAFTY TOTS.

YEAH.

DO YOU EVER WAKE UP IN THE MORNING

AND REALIZE YOUR LIFE IS MEANINGLESS?

WHAT?

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE MICROSOFT OFFICE SUITE?

WORD? ACCESS? POWERPOINT?

I KNOW LOTUS.

[ LAUGHING ]

WE USE EXCEL NOW, DEAR. YOU MIGHT THINK ABOUT TAKING SOME TUTORIALS.

I'M GONNA GET STRAIGHT TO THE POINT.

WHAT KIND OF WORK ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT'S AVAILABLE?

FOR YOU, WE HAVE CLERICAL POSITIONS.

RECEPTION, DATA ENTRY...

I WAS TOLD TO ASK ABOUT BEING AN EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT.

[ LAUGHING ]

WELL, YOU CAN ASK.

TO BE ABSOLUTELY HONEST, WITH YOUR RATHER LIMITED

EXPERIENCE AND EDUCATION,

YOU'RE BETTER OFF STICKING TO REDUNDANT DUTIES.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT FILING?

I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD.

CAN I MAKE AN OBSERVATION?

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SMILE ONCE SINCE YOU SET FOOT IN THIS OFFICE,

AND A SUNNY DISPOSITION GOES A LONG WAY IN ANY LINE OF WORK,

ESPECIALLY HERE AT HAPPY TIME.

TRUST ME, NO EMPLOYER IS GONNA WANT A SAD SACK ON THEIR HANDS.

LOOK AT ME. I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN AS FAR AS I HAVE...

HOW FAR IS THAT?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

HOW FAR HAVE YOU GOTTEN?

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE THIS IS A CORNER OFFICE WITH A VIEW.

AND, LIKE, EVERY DAY YOU HAVE TO FIND JOBS FOR PEOPLE,

MOST OF WHICH ARE PROBABLY BETTER THAN YOURS,

AND THAT HAS TO SUCK.

AND I BET THEY DON'T PAY YOU MUCH, EITHER.

JUST MAKING AN OBSERVATION.

HOW DID THINGS GO TODAY?

OKAY.

JUST OKAY?

YEAH. JUST OKAY.

SHE'S BITTER BECAUSE THEY TOLD HER

SHE WASN'T QUALIFIED TO GET A DECENT JOB.

OH, SWEETIE, I'M SORRY.

WANNA KNOW WHAT I THINK?

HERE WE GO.

YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE.

YOU KNOW, I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY

YOU COULDN'T AT LEAST FINISH THE SEMESTER.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, GEORGIA?

YOU USED TO HAVE FRIENDS, YOU USED TO BE SO SMART.

IT'S LIKE YOU JUST GAVE UP.

WELL, I HATE TO SAY "I TOLD YOU SO."

YOU LOVE TO SAY "I TOLD YOU SO."

SWEETIE, DON'T TALK THAT WAY TO YOUR MOTHER.

YOU KNOW IT ONLY AGGRAVATES HER.

OH, THANK YOU, HONEY. THAT'S SO HELPFUL.

MEET THE FAMILY.

JOY, AGE 41, IS A VIRGO.

SHE'S A CAREER, SECRETARY AND ENJOYS

ICE SKATING AND JOHN GRISHAM NOVELS.

SHE'S PATHOLOGICALLY AFRAID OF BALLOONS AND HATES THE WORD "MOIST."

SHE THINKS IT'S PORNOGRAPHIC.

CLANCY, AGE 43, IS A CANCER.

HE'S A TENURED PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH AT UDUB

AND IS, I'M TOLD, VERY WELL RESPECTED.

HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH ONE OF HIS GRADUATE STUDENTS.

AND THAT'S REGGIE. SHE'S 10.

SHE'S NOT REALLY INVISIBLE,

BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, SHE MAY AS WELL BE.

THIS IS DELICIOUS.

AND MOIST.

[ FORK CLINKS ]

WHEN I WAS LITTLE, MY MOM TOLD ME SANTA CLAUS DIDN'T EXIST.

NEITHER DID THE EASTER BUNNY, THE TOOTH FAIRY OR THE GREAT PUMPKIN.

EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN'T SAY SO SPECIFICALLY,

I JUST SORT OF ASSUMED GOD DIDN'T, EITHER.

OTHERWISE I'D PROBABLY BE PRAYING RIGHT NOW.

I'D PRAY FOR WORLD PEACE, ET CETERA,

AND MAYBE EVEN FOR A LITTLE GUIDANCE.

I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO BE CUSPING ON ADULTHOOD AND NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

WHAT YOU WANNA BE, OR EVEN IF YOU WANNA BE?

IT'S 10 SHADES OF SUCK IS WHAT IT IS!

GET UP!

MOM.

THAT WOMAN FROM THE TEMP AGENCY CALLED. SHE'S GOT A JOB FOR YOU.

WHAT KIND OF JOB?

WELL, BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.

I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

TOO BAD.

I THINK I HAVE A TEMPERATURE.

DAMN IT, GEORGIA, YOU ARE NOT SIX YEARS OLD.

EIGHTEEN YEARS OF CODDLING IS ENOUGH FOR YOU, YOUNG LADY.

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

SUCKLING AT MY RETIREMENT FUND,

YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING.

YOU WILL GET OUT OF BED AND YOU WILL GO TO WORK.

YOU WILL COLLECT A PAYCHECK AND YOU WILL MOVE OUT OF THIS HOUSE.

UNDERSTOOD?

GET DRESSED.

THOSE ARE FUNERAL CLOTHES.

THERE'S GONNA BE A FUNERAL IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED!

THOSE ARE THE LAST WORDS MY MOTHER WILL EVER SAY TO ME.

NOW, MOVE IT!

BOY, IS SHE GONNA BE SORRY.

WHO HAD THE NERVE TO NAME YOU JOY?

SO, YOU SEE ALL THESE BOXES?

WE ACQUIRED A SMALL INSURANCE COMPANY

BASED OUT OF SPOKANE ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO.

ALL THEIR CLAIM FILES WERE SHIPPED TO US

FOR ELECTRONIC DATA CONVERSION.

THIS IS WHAT WE CALL THE PIT.

GET COZY, 'CAUSE YOU ARE GONNA SPEND A LOT OF TIME HERE.

SO, YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT,

IS TO SIFT THROUGH ALL THIS CRAP AND CODE IT

FOR THE PENCIL-NECKS IN DATA ENTRY.

THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THAT?

SURE, WHATEVER.

COOL.

SO, WHAT DID YOU DO TO PISS DELORES OFF?

HUH?

DELORES HERBIG, AS IN "HER BIG BROWN EYES."

YOU MUST'VE DONE SOMETHING.

SHE ONLY GIVES THIS JOB TO PEOPLE SHE HATES.

AS THE WORK DAY PROGRESSED,

I BEGAN TO SUSPECT THAT DELORES HERBIG, AS IN "HER BIG FAT ASS,"

WAS THE DEVIL, AND SHE'D CONDEMNED ME TO HELL.

TO SPITE THE GREAT HOOFED ONE,

I TOOK EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO SHIRK MY DUTIES.

[ TOILET FLUSHES ]

[ FOOTSTEPS ]

BUT EVEN THOUGH I DID MY BEST TO DO VERY LITTLE,

MOST EVERYONE ELSE WAS DOING A LOT LESS.

WELCOME TO CORPORATE AMERICA.

WAS THIS IT? WAS THIS WHO I WAS?

WOULD I FOREVER BE REMEMBERED AS A FILE CLERK

OR, WORSE, A TEMP?

JUST TOSS THEM IN THERE.

WHERE ARE THE OTHER FILES?

UH... WHAT OTHER FILES?

THE OTHER FILES I REQUESTED, THE RED-FLAG CASES.

YEAH. LOOKED FOR THOSE, COULDN'T FIND THEM.

WELL, FILES JUST DON'T DISAPPEAR.

THEY DO IF YOU DROP THEM DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT.

IS THAT A JOKE?

I DON'T KNOW. YEAH, MAYBE.

CAN I GO NOW?

WHICH ELEVATOR?

MIDDLE ONE.

I WAS DOOMED TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE IN A LOUSY DEAD-END JOB.

AND I'M NOT JUST BEING DRAMATIC.

IT REALLY IS GOING TO BE THE REST OF MY LIFE,

WHICH ACTUALLY ONLY AMOUNTS TO THE NEXT HALF-HOUR OR SO.

[ WHEELS SQUEAKING ]

HEY, WHAT'S UP?

NOTHING.

NADA MUCHO, THAT'S COOL.

THEN IT'S YOUR LUNCH HOUR. WE'LL SEE YOU BACK HERE IN 35.

IF IT'S MY LUNCH "HOUR," WHY IS IT ONLY 35 MINUTES?

OH, 'CAUSE THEY DID SOME RESEARCH, LIKE, FIVE YEARS AGO,

AND I GUESS THEY CLOCKED SOME FOLKS

AND FIGURED THAT'S HOW LONG IT TAKES TO, LIKE, GO SOMEWHERE

AND GET YOUR FOOD AND, YOU KNOW, LIKE, EAT IT.

SO WE'LL SEE YOU IN THREE-FIVE.

IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

THE SUN WAS SHINING, THE SKY WAS BLUE

AND THE RUSSIAN SPACE AGENCY WAS DE-ORBITING MIR.

EVIDENTLY THERE WAS A MISCALCULATION

IN THE DENSITY OF THE IONOSPHERE

AT THE POINT OF ENTRY, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

THE WHOLE THING WAS SUPPOSED TO FALL IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN,

BUT A FEW PIECES MADE IT TO THE WEST COAST,

INCLUDING THE SEAT OF A 0-G TOILET.

EXCUSE ME? GOT THE TIME?

1:05.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SO, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

GEORGE.

UM...

MIDDLE NAME? YOU GOT A MIDDLE NAME?

FUCK OFF, WOULD YOU?

DOES IT START WITH AN "L"?

YOU'D BETTER HURRY, GEORGE.

YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE.

[ CROAKS ]

[ TOAD CROAKING ]

THEY SAY YOUR ENTIRE LIFE FLASHES IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES

THE MOMENT BEFORE YOU DIE.

THAT MIGHT BE TRUE IF YOU'RE TERMINALLY ILL

OR YOUR PARACHUTE DOESN'T OPEN,

BUT IF DEATH SNEAKS UP ON YOU,

THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TIME TO THINK IS...

OH, SHIT!

[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ]

[ MAN ]: GET OUT OF HERE!

[ GASPS ]

I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE!

HEY, DEAD GIRL! HOLD ON THERE A MINUTE.

THAT'S RUBE, HE'S UNDEAD.

THEY SAY THERE ARE, LIKE, FIVE PSYCHOLOGICAL STAGES OF DEATH.

IRONICALLY, THIS APPLIES EVEN IF YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD.

NUMBER ONE, DENIAL.

THIS ISN'T HAPPENING. THIS ISN'T REAL.

OH, PEANUT, THIS IS AS REAL AS IT GETS. YOU'RE DEAD.

THAT'S BETTY, ALSO UNDEAD.

THIS IS YOURS.

MERCY, THAT THING MADE A HORRIBLE NOISE, DIDN'T IT?

BUT I DON'T REMEMBER FEELING ANYTHING.

YOUR SOUL WAS POPPED OUT BEFORE IMPACT.

WE DO THAT FOR VIOLENT DEATHS AS A COURTESY.

BUT I DIDN'T WANNA DIE.

OH, NOBODY DOES, EXCEPT SUICIDES. THEY'RE NO FUN.

NUMBER TWO IS ANGER.

I'M ONLY 18. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING. THIS ISN'T FAIR!

SO, WHAT ARE YOU? LIKE, ANGELS OR SOMETHING?

NO, NO, MA'AM. ANGELS DON'T LIKE GETTING THEIR HANDS DIRTY.

YOU KNOW, UPPER-MANAGEMENT TYPES.

WE HAVE THE UNFORTUNATE DISTINCTION OF BEING CALLED GRIM REAPERS.

NUMBER THREE IS BARGAINING.

WELL, THEN CAN'T YOU TAKE SOMEBODY ELSE, LIKE AN OLD PERSON?

OR THAT HOMELESS GUY? I WON'T TELL, I PROMISE.

ALL RIGHT.

REALLY? NO.

WELL, I WANT MY LIFE BACK!

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU WERE DOING ANYTHING WITH IT.

AND THEN THERE'S DEPRESSION.

I KNOW WHAT MIGHT CHEER YOU UP.

WHAT?

YOUR AUTOPSY.

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT SEEING YOUR BODY

ALL EMPTY AND COLD,

OR IN MY CASE, IN LITTLE CHUNKS AND PIECES.

RUBE SAYS IT'S LIKE LOOKING AT A BOWL OF HOMEMADE PEACH COBBLER

YOU JUST DROPPED ON THE FLOOR.

AS GOOD AS IT MIGHT'VE BEEN, YOU JUST DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE.

IT SOUNDS KIND OF WHACKED, BUT IT DID MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

I DON'T GET IT. WHY DO AN AUTOPSY?

WELL, YOU STILL HAVE TO IDENTIFY THE BODY.

HOW HARD CAN THAT BE?

YOU WERE HIT BY AN OBJECT TRAVELING 200 MILES AN HOUR,

WITH A SURFACE TEMPERATURE EXCEEDING

1,500 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT. DO THE MATH.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS MORE DISTURBING,

BEING DEAD, OR THE FACT THAT THE FIRST MAN

TO TOUCH MY NAKED BODY WAS A CORONER.

UH, THIS HAS BEEN LOVELY AND ALL,

BUT DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME I SHOULD BE GOING?

WHY, YOU GOT SOME PLACE TO BE?

I DON'T KNOW? DO I?

WELL, YOU GOTTA STICK AROUND TILL YOUR BODY'S BEEN LAID TO REST.

I'M MEAT IN A ZIPLOC. HOW MUCH MORE REST DO I NEED?

THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT. WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS

THAT YOU SAY A PROPER GOODBYE TO THIS LIFE

BEFORE YOU SAY HELLO TO THE NEXT ONE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "THE NEXT ONE"?

WHAT, AM I BEING REINCARNATED OR SOMETHING?

DON'T BE AN ASS.

EVERYONE ALWAYS SAYS THE SAME SHIT AT FUNERALS.

THEY TALK ABOUT HOW SWEET, WONDERFUL

AND OH-SO-FULL-OF-LIFE YOU WERE,

HOW IT WAS YOUR TIME AND YOU CAN'T QUESTION GOD'S PLAN.

THEY NEVER SAY ANYTHING BAD.

YOU COULD BE THE BIGGEST TURD IN THE TOILET BOWL

AND YOU'D STILL COME OUT SMELLING LIKE A ROSE.

SUCH A WONDERFUL GIRL, SO FULL OF LIFE.

GET THOSE OUT OF HERE.

GET OUT. GET OUT!

AND BETTY, SHE JUST LOVES FUNERALS.

YOU'D THINK SHE'D NEVER BEEN TO ONE BEFORE.

I AM SO VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

EXCUSE ME, THIS SEAT'S TAKEN.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

[ GASPS ]

HOW COME THEY CAN SEE YOU BUT THEY CAN'T SEE ME?

WELL, PEANUT, YOU'RE DEAD.

SO ARE YOU. BITE YOUR TONGUE!

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I AM UNDEAD.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

WELL, AS AN UNDEAD PERSON, I HAVE CERTAIN RIGHTS AND PRIVILEGES.

FOR INSTANCE, I HAVE A PHYSICAL BODY.

I CAN ENJOY THE SWEET DELICIOUSNESS OF THIS TASTY KEY LIME PIE.

AND IF I SO CHOOSE, I CAN EVEN INTERACT WITH THE LIVING.

OBSERVE.

HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?

FINE.

SEE, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

THAT SUCKS.

WELL, FOR YOU DEAD TYPES, SURE, BUT I LIKE IT.

IT KEEPS THE RIFFRAFF IN ITS PLACE.

I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

CLANCY, I'M SO SORRY.

UH, IS A FRIENDLY HUG BETWEEN TWO MEN

SUPPOSED TO LAST THAT LONG?

AND THEN THERE WAS REGGIE.

AFTER IGNORING HER FOR 10 YEARS,

I GUESS IT WAS MY TURN TO BE THE INVISIBLE SISTER.

YOU MISSED ALL THE COMMOTION.

YOUR MOTHER WAS BAWLING SO HARD SHE STARTED TO CHOKE.

THEY ALMOST CALLED AN AMBULANCE.

REALLY?

SHE'S A MESS. SHE'S NEVER GONNA STOP MISSING HER LITTLE GIRL.

WELL, SINCE YOU'RE INTERACTION MAN,

CAN'T YOU JUST TELL THEM I'M OKAY?

I'LL GET RIGHT ON IT.

[ GASPS ] THEN I'LL TELL THEM.

HOW DO YOU PROPOSE DOING THAT?

RATTLING SOME CHAINS, MAKING THE LIGHTS FLICKER?

YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE WIND SOUNDS? I COULD HELP YOU.

I CAN DO THAT PART FOR YOU.

[ BLOWING ]

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH AS ASSHOLE?

OH, GOD DAMN IT.

SO, WHAT'S NEXT? ONWARD AND UPWARD?

ONWARD, NOT UPWARD.

NO PEARLY GATES FOR YOU. NO CHOIRS OF ANGELS, NEITHER.

YOU DICK! YOU'RE SENDING ME TO HELL?

DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF. YOU'RE NOT THAT INTERESTING.

YOU, LITTLE DEAD GIRL, ARE GONNA BE A GRIM REAPER.

HUH?

HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY.

BODIES ARE EASY. DIG A DITCH, LIGHT A MATCH.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SOULS? WHO TAKES CARE OF THEM?

WE DO. WE'RE BAIL BONDSMEN FOR THE DISEMBODIED.

SEE, ONCE THEIR SOULS DITCH THE FLESHY PARTS,

THEY'RE IN OUR CUSTODY UNTIL THEY REACH THEIR FINAL DESTINATION.

I ASSUME YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT HEAVEN?

WHO KNOWS?

WHATEVER IT IS, I HOPE IT'S NOT ALL GAUDY LIKE THE BIBLE.

WELL, I LIKE TO THINK IT'S JUST LIKE THIS. [ SIGHS ]

SO, DOES THIS MEAN THERE IS A GOD?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WILLKOMMEN TO THE WAFFLE HAUS. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

T-BONE STEAK AND EGGS, T-BONE MEDIUM RARE, EGGS OVER-EASY.

I WANT TOAST INSTEAD OF HASH BROWNS.

AND HOT SYRUP FOR THE PANCAKES,

AND PLEASE DO NOT SKIMP ON THE BUTTER.

AND A SIDE ORDER OF CRISPY BACON, EXTRA, EXTRA, EXTRA CRISPY.

DRINK?

LEMONADE.

I'M NOT STAYING. I'VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT DOWNTOWN.

I HOPE IT'S NOT ANOTHER DEAD HOOKER.

MISS?

MISS?

YOU... YOU SAID NO ONE COULD SEE ME.

WELL, THAT WAS BEFORE YOU JOINED THE RANKS OF THE UNDEAD.

NOW ORDER SOMETHING BEFORE SHE THINKS YOU'RE RETARDED.

WHAT HE'S HAVING.

MMM-HMM.

OKAY, I'M STILL HAVING TROUBLE WITH THIS WHOLE "WHY ME?" ISSUE.

WELL, YOU FILLED SOMEONE'S QUOTA.

EVERYONE'S ASSIGNED AN UNSPECIFIED ALLOTMENT OF SOULS TO COLLECT.

NOW, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY UNTIL YOU'VE NABBED THE LAST ONE.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT WEIRD GUY WHO ASKED YOU YOUR NAME

RIGHT BEFORE YOU GOT TORPEDOED BY THE TOILET SEAT?

YEAH.

WELL, YOU WERE HIS LAST ONE.

WHICH MEANS HE GETS A PROMOTION, NICE BENEFITS PACKAGE,

AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE.

PERSONALLY, I WAS GLAD TO SEE HIM GO. HE WAS JUST A PAIN IN THE ASS.

IT'S LIKE BEING THE MILLIONTH CUSTOMER SERVED,

EXCEPT THERE'S NO SHOPPING SPREE.

HE COULD'VE TOLD ME BEFORE.

WELL, PARDON MY SAVOIR FAIRE.

BUT DYING IS TRAUMATIC ENOUGH

WITHOUT ALL THIS OTHER STUFF MESSING WITH YOUR HEAD.

[ BETTY ]: OH, DON'T GO GETTING YOUR KNICKERS IN A KNOT.

IT'S A DESTINY THING. ENJOY IT.

THEY KEPT TOSSING AROUND WORDS LIKE "DESTINY" AND "FATE."

THE WORD "CHOICE" WAS NEVER MENTIONED.

THAT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ONE.

OKAY, BYE.

[ MUFFLED ] BYE-BYE.

AND CONGRATULATIONS.

[ MUFFLED ] ARE YOU GONNA EAT YOUR BACON?

AND JUST LIKE THAT, I BECAME A GRIM REAPER. SWEAR TO GOD!

I WAS BORN AGAIN. BUT NOT IN A CREEPY, RELIGIOUS WAY.

ALL AROUND ME WAS A BRIGHT, SHINY NEW WORLD.

AND DEATH WAS EVERYWHERE.

INFECTIOUS AND PARASITIC DISEASE.

CIRCULATORY SYSTEM DISEASE.

MALIGNANT NEOPLASMS.

THOSE WERE THE BIG THREE,

THE LEADING CAUSES OF DEATH WORLDWIDE.

BUT THEY WEREN'T MY PROBLEM.

GRIM REAPERS ARE ASSIGNED TO SPECIFIC DIVISIONS.

MY DIVISION IS EXTERNAL INFLUENCE. TRANSLATION,

MURDERS, SUICIDES, ACCIDENTS, ET CETERA.

AND I DO MEAN ET CETERA.

THAT'S ROXY. SHE COULD KICK YOUR ASS.

EVERY REAPER HAS THEIR OWN DISTINCT STYLE,

YOU KNOW, THOSE LITTLE PERSONAL TOUCHES THAT MAKE DEATH SO SPECIAL.

MORNING.

MORNING.

YOU DON'T JUST STAND THERE WAITING FOR A PIANO TO DROP.

IN POLITE SOCIETY, YOU'D TAKE HER SOUL AT THE CORNER,

YOU'D LET HER HAVE A LITTLE DIGNITY.

SO, DO YOU GUYS GET OFF DROPPING PIANOS ON PEOPLE?

I MEAN, IS THAT LIKE A FETISH OR SOMETHING?

IT'S NOT OUR JOB TO DROP THE PIANOS OR THE TOILET SEATS.

WHOSE JOB IS IT?

GRAVELINGS.

GRAVELINGS?

ARE THEY INVISIBLE?

NO, THEY'RE NOT INVISIBLE.

YOU JUST CAN'T SEE THEM,

NOT WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING RIGHT AT THEM, ANYWAY.

BUT SOMETIMES IF SOMETHING'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN,

OR JUST HAPPENED,

YOU MIGHT CATCH A GLIMPSE OF ONE OF THEM

OUT OF THE CORNER OF YOUR EYE.

SO JUST DON'T FREAK OUT.

BUT THEY'RE REAL?

YEAH, AFRAID SO.

THEY SET THINGS IN MOTION, THEY MAKE THE ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.

THEY KILL PEOPLE?

IT'S LIKE... LIFE AND DEATH,

THEY HAVE TO EXIST IN PERFECT HARMONY,

YIN-YANG, CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT,

BUT THAT BALANCE HAS TO BE MAINTAINED.

OR ELSE? OR ELSE THINGS GET OUT OF HAND.

AND THAT AIN'T PRETTY.

HEY, WHAT'S UP, PUSSYCAT? HEY, MAN.

GEORGE, THIS IS MASON.

MASON. OH, MASON, MASON, MASON!

MASON, GEORGE. HEY.

DOES THIS CRACKER HAVE TO STOP AND TALK TO EVERY... [ SHUSHING ]

YOU JUST SHUSHED ME. NOW WHY YOU GOTTA

GO AND DO THAT, MAN? THAT'S RUDE.

IT'S DISRESPECTING THE DEAD.

ALL RIGHT, COME HERE.

YOU TWO JUST MURDERED EACH OTHER IN A CRACK DEN.

YOU DO NOT DESERVE MY RESPECT.

HENCE... SHH.

THAT'S COLD, MAN.

MMM-HMM.

GEORGE DIED A WEEK AGO IN A FREAK AEROSPACE ACCIDENT.

YEAH. YEAH, I REMEMBER YOU. TOILET SEAT GIRL.

[ SNICKERS ]

LOOK, YOU ALREADY GOT YOURSELF A NICKNAME.

TOILET SEAT GIRL NEEDS TO FIND A PLACE TO STAY.

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW OF ANY VACANCIES?

I KNOW THAT PLACE IN SPRING HILL.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S STILL AVAILABLE, BUT...

WELL, DO ME A FAVOR. FIND OUT.

AND CAN YOU TAKE HER WITH? I NEED A BREAK.

I LOVE YOU, PEANUT, BUT YOU'RE WEARING ME OUT.

I'LL SEE TO IT MUTT AND JEFF HERE GET TO WHERE THEY'RE GOING.

IF YOU REALLY WANNA BE MY HERO,

YOU'LL LET HER TAG along to your 2:30.

SHE NEEDS TO CLOCK SOME OBSERVATION HOURS.

WHEN DO YOU WANT HER BACK?

9:30 A.M. AT THE WAFFLE HAUS, BANANA BONANZAS, MY TREAT.

THERE'S YOUR BUS. GO ON WITH THE NICE MAN.

COME ON, HERE WE GO.

WELL, IT'S RENTED OUT TO SOME ACCOUNTANT GUY.

HE COOKED THE BOOKS FOR ONE OF THOSE TRIBAL CASINOS.

HE'S MADE SURE THAT ALL THEIR BILLS ARE PAID FROM AN OFF-SHORE ACCOUNT.

[ CLICKING ]

HOW DID HE DIE?

I DON'T KNOW, DIDN'T ASK.

THE BILLS ARE PAID UNTIL WHEN?

UNTIL SOMEONE CLOSES THE ACCOUNT.

MEANTIME, YOU SQUAT. AS IN...

AS IN SETTLING ON PROPERTY WITHOUT RIGHT OR TITLE OR PAYMENT OF RENT.

REAPERS ARE SQUATTERS?

THINK OF IT AS SUBSIDIZED HOUSING.

WE PERFORM A PUBLIC SERVICE, DON'T WE?

THE LIVING PROBABLY DON'T THINK SO.

WHAT IF SOMEONE SHOWS UP?

YOU WALK AWAY.

UNLESS YOU TRASH THE PLACE, THEN YOU RUN AWAY.

SO, HOW DOES THIS WORK? I JUST CRASH HERE?

YEAH, MORE OR LESS.

DO I GET KEYS? IF YOU CAN FIND THEM.

WHAT ARE YOU... JESUS CHRIST!

WHAT?

[ SHOUTING ] JESUS CHRIST!

JESUS CHRIST!

DON'T GET LOUD. WHAT?

THOSE ARE DEAD PEOPLE.

NO SHIT!

I CAN'T LIVE WITH DEAD PEOPLE. THAT'S GROSS!

YOU WON'T HAVE TO. LOOK AT THESE BODIES.

EXECUTION, EXECUTION, EXECUTION.

THESE GUYS HERE WERE PROBABLY TORTURED TO DEATH.

NO, THIS IS A PROFESSIONAL JOB.

SO?

SO THESE BODIES AREN'T JUST GONNA LAY AROUND. THEY'LL DISAPPEAR.

THEY'VE GOT CLEANING CREWS FOR THIS KIND OF THING, YOU KNOW.

YUP. THEY'RE PROBABLY ON THEIR WAY RIGHT NOW

WITH A COUPLE OF VATS OF ACID AND A CARPET STEAMER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

COLLECTING MY SALARY.

LEAVE THE PLASTIC. CASH IS KING.

WE DON'T GET PAID, LIKE, THROUGH PROPER CHANNELS?

NO.

I KEPT TELLING MYSELF,

"THEY'RE DEAD. IT'S A VICTIMLESS CRIME."

THEN IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT

THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT THOSE GUYS WHO HAVE SEX WITH CORPSES DO.

THERE'S THE ACCOUNTANT OVER THERE.

WHY DON'T YOU CHECK HIS POCKET FOR THE KEYS?

OH.

UM...

NOT THAT I'M ANY GREAT BASTION OF MORALITY,

BUT ISN'T STEALING FROM DEAD PEOPLE KIND OF TACKY?

WELL, IT'S EITHER THIS OR GET YOURSELF A DAY JOB.

HE'S NOT JOKING.

THE US GOVERNMENT DOESN'T PROVIDE

FOOD STAMPS FOR GRIM REAPERS.

WE DON'T HAVE SPECIAL BUS PASSES,

AND WE DON'T GET INTO MOVIES FOR FREE.

MOST REAPERS TAKE WHAT THEY CAN FROM THE DEAD.

OTHERS GET DAY JOBS.

DO I NEED TO BE CROSSING OVER,

OR PASSING ON OR SOMETHING?

[ CHUCKLES ] YOU AIN'T GOING NOWHERE UNTIL I'VE FILLED MY QUOTA.

[ STARTING ENGINE ] [ SIGHS ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ FOOTSTEPS ]

HI. WHAT YOU GUYS DOING?

LOOKING FOR KEYS.

I HAVE THEM. I CALLED DIBS TWO HOURS AGO.

YOU'VE GOT A PLACE.

PROBATE'S OVER.

MY REAL ESTATE AGENT ASKED ME TO LEAVE. IT WAS ALL VERY CIVIL.

NOW WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIND HER SOMEWHERE TO STAY.

WELL, CAN'T I JUST COUCH-SURF WITH ONE OF YOU GUYS FOR

A COUPLE OF DAYS?

MMM. SEE, THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

IT'S NEVER JUST A COUPLE OF DAYS, IS IT?

NO. TWO DAYS BECOMES A WEEK, A WEEK BECOMES A MONTH,

WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU.

I MEAN, YOU COULD BE A CRAZY PERSON,

AND THERE WE'D BE, JUST INVITING YOU INTO OUR HOMES.

YOU UNDERSTAND OUR POSITION.

FRIENDS OF MINE IN CIRCULATORY SYSTEM DISEASE

GIVE ME THE SKINNY ON VACANCIES IN THEIR DIVISION.

NOW, I DON'T NORMALLY SHARE PRIVILEGED 411,

BUT I LIKE YOU, TOILET-SEAT GIRL. YOU'VE GOT MOXIE.

THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE, LIKE,

ARTERIAL SPRAY EVERYWHERE, IS THERE?

WELL, LET'S HOPE HE WAS CONSIDERATE ENOUGH

TO DIE OUTSIDE THE HOME.

ENTER THE ANGRY WHITE MAN.

WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING?

AND WHO ARE YOU?

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, BITCH?

WE'RE HERE ABOUT THE APARTMENT.

OCCUPIED.

FUCK OFF.

HE CALLED YOU "BITCH."

MAYBE WE SHOULD LET HIM KEEP IT.

I'M NOT GOING TO CO-SIGN ON HIS BULLSHIT.

CALL ME BITCH, BITCH.

SORRY TO DISTURB YOU AGAIN.

IT'S JUST THAT ME AND MY COLLEAGUES HERE

REPRESENT THE LOCAL...

UH, HOUSING AUTHORITY.

THE TENANT OF APARTMENT 12J IS DECEASED.

THIS IS 12J.

YES. YES, IT IS.

THEREFORE, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE NOW.

I GOT RIGHTS, COCK-KNOCKER.

I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE.

LOCAL AND STATE LAWS WHICH PROVIDE TENANTS' RIGHTS

ARE ONLY APPLICABLE TO TRADITIONAL RENTAL SITUATIONS.

THEY DON'T COVER SQUATTING.

MY NAME'S ON THE LEASE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

EXCUSE ME?

MY NAME'S ON THE GODDAMN LEASE.

I WANT TO SEE SOME I.D.

YOU'RE D.W. MANIS?

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU SAID HE WAS DEAD.

I'M ALIVE AND KICKING YOUR ASS IF YOU DON'T GET THE HELL OUT.

I, UH...

I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

I'M, I'M, I'M, I'M...

WHAT DID YOU DO?

WELL, I MADE A MISTAKE.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU DID.

EXCUSE US.

WELL, HE WASN'T SCHEDULED TO DIE UNTIL NEXT TUESDAY.

ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

I THOUGHT IT SAID THE FIRST, BUT IT WAS THE SEVENTH.

SEE? I MEAN, DOESN'T THAT LOOK LIKE A ONE?

THAT'S YOUR HANDWRITING.

WELL, I FEEL BAD ENOUGH ALREADY.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?

I THINK WE SHOULD PROBABLY LEAVE.

OKAY, WE'LL COME BACK NEXT TUESDAY.

HAVE A NICE WEEK.

THE ANGRY WHITE MAN

WOULD KEEP HIS APARTMENT FOR SIX MORE DAYS

BEFORE CORONARY THROMBOSIS TERMINATED HIS LEASE.

IN THE MEANTIME, I WAS HOMELESS.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME

YOU ASKED YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THE D-WORD?

MY DAD JUST ABOUT SHIT HIS PANTS.

HE TOLD ME...

NOT TO WORRY.

HE SAID THAT MOST PEOPLE DIE WHEN THEY'RE SO OLD,

THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT LIVING ANYMORE.

I'M SORRY, I TUNED YOU OUT.

WERE YOU WHINING?

I DIDN'T SLEEP FOR A MONTH.

AS CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS GO, NOTHING...

NOTHING BEATS THE REALIZATION

THAT EVERYTHING DIES,

INCLUDING YOU.

SO MUCH WORSE THAN ANYTHING

YOUR PARENTS COULD EVER DO TO YOU, YOU KNOW?

I WAS ALWAYS A HAPPY CHILD.

I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT DEATH THAT MUCH.

YOU GUYS WANT TO GET SOME ICE CREAM?

BETTY TREATED US TO AN ICE CREAM

AND WENT ON HER WAY.

I HAD CHOCOLATE-CHOCOLATE SOMETHING.

MASON HAD VANILLA.

NORMALLY, I'D FIND THAT SUSPICIOUS,

BUT ON HIM, IT WAS ENDEARING.

HEY, LOOK.

THIS IS WHAT WE LOOK LIKE TO THE LIVING.

HOLY SHIT.

"LITTLE BUNNY FOO-FOO..."

OF ALL THE THINGS THAT GO WITH BEING UNDEAD,

THIS ONE FREAKED ME OUT THE MOST.

WHO DECIDES WHAT WE LOOK LIKE?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE THIS IS WHAT OUR INNER CHILD LOOKS LIKE WHEN IT GROWS UP.

IF THAT WERE THE CASE,

IT LOOKED LIKE MY INNER-CHILD'S ROAD TO ADULTHOOD

WAS PAVED WITH CRACK-COCAINE, $10 BLOW JOBS,

AND MAYBE EVEN A TRICK-BABY OR TWO.

YOU THINK SHE'S PRETTY?

NOT AS PRETTY AS YOU.

I SHOULD HAVE SAID THANK YOU.

I WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU.

I WANTED TO SMILE, AND FLIRT, AND GIGGLE,

BUT INSTEAD, I SAID...

WHATEVER.

BE AS THE FLY UPON THE WALL.

OBSERVE. DO NOT INTERACT.

THAT'S VERY ZEN OF YOU.

YOU MUST SMOKE POT.

SERIOUSLY.

SOME REAPERS BELIEVE THAT YOUR APPOINTMENT WITH DEATH

IS ON THE BOOKS BEFORE YOU'RE EVEN BORN.

WHAT IF THEY DON'T MAKE THE APPOINTMENT?

OOH... HOW SHOULD I KNOW THAT ONE?

ALL I'M SAYING IS DON'T TURN UP,

AND START MOVING SHIT AROUND, AND TALKING TO PEOPLE,

BECAUSE YOU...

YOU MIGHT CHANGE THE OUTCOME OF EVENTS.

TREAT IT LIKE A RETROACTIVE CRIME SCENE.

YOU STICK TO THE SIDELINES,

AND LOOK FOR HIGH-RISK FACTORS.

LIKE WHAT?

THE PEOPLE BEHIND THAT COUNTER.

THEY'RE MISERABLE.

UNHAPPY PEOPLE DO UNHAPPY THINGS.

BOB'S THE BIG BOY ON THE LADDER.

HE COULD SLIP AND FALL.

HE COULD SLIP AND FALL ON SOMEBODY.

TWEAKER-CHICK.

FOR ALL WE KNOW, SHE'S FREE-BASING IN THE LADIES' ROOM.

THIS COULD BE AN OVERDOSE.

MAYBE SHE JUST GOT HER PERIOD.

LIGHTEN UP.

YOU GET THE PICTURE.

IT'S LIKE CLUE.

HUH?

GRAVELING IN THE BANK LOBBY

WITH A BANANA PEEL.

ALL RIGHT.

MIGHT NOT BE A GRAVELING.

COULD BE MURDER, COULD BE SUICIDE,

COULD BE FOOD POISONING.

IT'S THE BANANA PEEL.

GRAVELING. BANANA PEEL.

OKAY.

LET'S SAY IT IS THE GRAVELING.

BANANA WAS A BIT TOO OBVIOUS.

I SAW THEM DROP A PIANO ON SOME CHICK'S HEAD.

THEY'RE NOT SCORING POINTS FOR ORIGINALITY.

IT'S NOT THE BANANA PEEL, ALL RIGHT?

IF IT'S NOT THE BANANA PEEL, GO THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE.

FINE. I'LL DO IT.

ALL RIGHT. I'M WILLING TO ENTERTAIN THE POSSIBILITY

THAT IT MIGHT BE THE BANANA PEEL.

NOW SIT BACK DOWN.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY.

YEAH.

SO HOW MUCH DO WE KNOW ABOUT THIS PERSON?

WHO?

UH, THE ONE THAT'S GOING TO DIE?

OH. NOT A LOT.

LAST NAME'S MOORE.

INITIALS B.M.

B.M. MOORE.

THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS.

E.T.D. IS 2:36.

E.T.D.?

ESTIMATED TIME OF DEATH.

SO IS OUR B.M. A HE OR A SHE?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

NO, I'M NOT KIDDING.

WE GET A NAME, AN ADDRESS, AND AN E.T.D.

THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD,

AND ON A POST-IT NOTE?

RUDE.

THE LESS WE KNOW, THE BETTER.

HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT?

BECAUSE IT KEEPS IT CLEAN.

IT'S A LOT EASIER NOT TO GIVE A SHIT

WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM.

OH.

SO I WAS AS THE FLY UPON THE WALL.

I OBSERVED. I DIDN'T INTERACT,

AND IN MY OBSERVATIONS,

I HEARD PLENTY OF B NAMES BEING BANDIED ABOUT

IN OFFICE GOSSIP,

BUT WERE ANY OF THEM B.M.s?

THERE WAS BYRON, THE EMBEZZLING BANK MANAGER...

BRENDA, THE OFFICE SLUT...

UH-HUH.

YEAH...

YEAH.

...BRAD, THE PHILANDERING LOAN OFFICER...

YEAH, UH, I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK, OKAY?

...AND BECKY, HIS ADORING WIFE...

BUT THERE WAS ONE MORE B-NAME THEY WEREN'T GOSSIPING ABOUT.

HELLO.

CAN I HELP YOU?

BRETT, THE HAPLESS BANK ROBBER.

EVERYONE, LISTEN TO ME.

THIS DEVICE IS DESIGNED

TO DETECT THE ACTIVATION OF A SILENT ALARM.

IF A SILENT ALARM IS DETECTED, I'LL START KILLING EVERYONE.

I MEAN...

I MEAN, PEOPLE.

I'LL START KILLING PEOPLE.

HE REHEARSED ALL MORNING.

PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON ON THE FLOOR.

NOW! NOW!

PUT YOUR GODDAMN WEAPON ON THE GROUND, NOW!

STILL THINK IT'S THE BANANA PEEL?

KICK IT OVER TO ME.

EVERYBODY DOWN ON THE FLOOR, NOW!

NOW, YOU. GET OUT HERE, NOW! HURRY.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

GET OUT HERE, NOW!

ALL RIGHT.

MEANWHILE,

THE PHILANDERER AND THE OFFICE SLUT

WERE MAKING SWEET, SWEET LOVE...

OH!

[ BABY CRYING ]

...AS THEY HAD DONE SO MANY TIMES BEFORE.

OKAY, GO STAND OVER THERE.

BRADLEY? BRAD?

BRAD?

DOWN ON THE FLOOR.

DON'T YOU POINT THAT GUN AT ME.

I'M HOLDING A BABY HERE.

SHUT UP!

YOU SHUT UP.

NO ONE TOLD YOU TO STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

THIS MAN IS WAITING FOR HIS MONEY.

HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO DIE AGAIN?

JUST ONE...

HURRY! I THINK.

JUST COOL YOUR JETS.

YOU.

YOU KNOW BRAD?

YES.

I'M HIS WIFE.

OH.

OH...

YEAH, "OH."

IS MY BABY CHEATING ON ME?

UH...

JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH. IS HE?

YES, MA'AM. YES.

THE WHOLE BANK KNOWS ABOUT IT.

OH, MOTHERFUCKER.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MOTHERFUCKER.

HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN CHEATING ON ME?

UH, I DON'T KNOW. ABOUT TWO YEARS?

YEAH, I'D SAY TWO... AT LEAST.

DID YOU MAKE LOVE TO MY HUSBAND?

NO. NO.

NO. GOD, NO.

BRAD?

BRAD, BABY,

I'M NOT GOING TO HURT YOU.

I JUST WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING, OKAY?

I MEAN, I KNOW YOU'RE HERE,

BECAUSE YOU LEFT YOUR JACKET ON THE BACK OF YOUR CHAIR.

IS HE HIDING BACK THERE FROM ME?

I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM SINCE HE GOT BACK FROM BREAK.

BRAD?

ARE YOU BACK THERE?

YOU GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW, AND I MEAN IT.

YOU'D BETTER UNLOCK THIS DOOR.

NOBODY DIED.

IS THAT, LIKE, KOSHER?

IT'S NOT 2:36 YET.

BANK'S CLOSED.

NO, A.T.M.'S BUSTED, HOSS. I GOT TO CASH MY CHECK.

SORRY, BANK'S CLOSED.

COME ON, MAN.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

IT WAS THE BANANA PEEL.

DUDE, THAT IS FUCKED UP.

WAIT A SECOND.

IS THAT ME?

YEAH. SORRY, MAN. YOU'RE DEAD.

NO WAY!

I JUST GOT PAID.

AW, MAN, THIS SUCKS!

DO YOU LIVE ALONE?

IT HAD A POORLY VENTILATED, THIRD-WORLD YOUTH HOSTEL

KIND OF CHARM.

AT LEAST THERE WEREN'T ANY BODIES,

AND OF ALL THE VARIOUS AND SUNDRY STAINS,

NONE OF THEM WERE BLOOD OR GORE.

I WAS THANKFUL FOR THE LITTLE THINGS.

IT WAS OFFICIAL.

I WAS ON MY OWN.

I WAS DEAD, NAY, UNDEAD,

AND NOT ONLY DID I HAVE TO FIND A JOB,

I HAD TO DO LAUNDRY.

THIS WAS MY SO-CALLED AFTERLIFE.

HYPNOTIZED BY THE SOAPY SWIRL OF ALL-TEMPERATURE CHEER,

IT OCCURRED TO ME...

IF I WERE ALIVE AND WELL, MY MOM WOULD BE WASHING MY SHEETS.

THEY WOULD MAGICALLY APPEAR ON MY BED,

CRISP, CLEAN, AND TUCKED INTO THE MATTRESS.

THOSE DAYS WERE OVER.

IT WAS ALL OVER.

THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER TO MOVE ON,

EVEN THOUGH LIFE HAD MOVED ON WITHOUT ME.

I FELT LIKE A PERVERT PEEPING FROM THE SHADOWS.

I COULD SEE HER, BUT SHE COULDN'T SEE ME.

GODDAMN. SHE'S SELLING MY SHIT.

CAN I HELP YOU?

HOW MUCH?

THAT SHOULDN'T BE OUT HERE.

IT'S GOT A STICKER ON IT.

75--

YOU WERE GOING TO SELL FRANKEN FRUITY FOR 75 CENTS?

WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE ON CHILDHOOD MEMORIES?

THAT'S A MISTAKE. IT'S NOT FOR SALE.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I CHANGED MY MIND.

I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE BUCKS FOR IT.

I TOLD YOU, IT'S NOT FOR SALE.

IT'S JUST A STUPID TOY.

IT WAS MY DAUGHTER'S.

SHE'S DEAD.

NOW GIVE ME THE FUCKING DOLL.

I NEVER HEARD MY MOM SAY THE F-WORD BEFORE.

MY EARS WERE ACTUALLY RINGING.

WHERE DID SHE GET IT?

WHAT? FRANKEN FRUITY.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ONE FOR A LONG TIME.

WHERE DID SHE GET IT?

SHE GOT IT AT A YARD SALE

WHEN SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL.

I DOUBT THEY MAKE THEM ANYMORE. TRY EBAY.

HOW DID YOUR DAUGHTER DIE?

I DON'T THINK I WANT TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU.

WELL, WHAT WAS SHE LIKE?

WHY DO YOU CARE?

I JUST THINK IT'S COOL SHE HAD THE DOLL, IS ALL.

I MEAN. FRANKEN FRUITY IS THE SHIT.

SHE DROVE ME CRAZY, IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

WHAT?

SHE WAS STUBBORN.

BUT I THINK THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE SHE WAS SMART.

PROBABLY TOO SMART.

SHE FIGURED A LOT OF THINGS OUT WAY BEFORE HER FRIENDS,

THAT'S FOR SURE.

WE NEVER REALLY GOT ALONG.

I DON'T THINK I WAS A VERY GOOD MOTHER.

IF YOU WANT THE GODDAMN DOLL SO BAD, YOU CAN HAVE IT,

BUT ONLY UNTIL YOU FIND YOUR OWN,

AND THEN I WANT THIS BACK, UNDERSTOOD?

$5.00.

IT SAYS 75 CENTS.

YOU OFFERED ME $5.00.

YOU'LL GET IT BACK WHEN I GET MY DOLL BACK.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW.

YOU'RE MAKING ME TIRED.

BYE.

IT WAS THE LONGEST CONVERSATION I HAD WITH MY MOTHER

SINCE I STARTED HAVING MY PERIOD...

AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS ME.

GET UP.

COME ON.

MOM? NO, I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER.

FUCK.

WHAT?

I WAS HOPING IT WAS ALL A DREAM.

GET DRESSED.

ORDER UP.

YOU GET YOURSELF A PLACE TO STAY?

YEAH. I FOUND A NEW PLACE TOO.

OH, YEAH?

VERY NICELY EQUIPPED.

ALL THE AMENITIES, A JACUZZI TUB,

WALK-IN CLOSET WITH SHOES FOR DAYS,

AND THIS CRAZY KING-SIZE BED.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE MATTRESS.

SIMMONS TERRACE HILL.

MEDIUM-FIRM.

YOU BITCH.

BABIES DON'T SLEEP THAT GOOD.

THEY CAN'T AFFORD TO.

SO DID THE WAITRESS COME BACK?

DAMN, I AM THIRSTY.

YOU DON'T MIND, DO YOU? THANK YOU.

BANANA BONANZAS ALL AROUND.

ACTUALLY, I WAS GOING TO HAVE--

THE MAN SAID BANANA BONANZAS, ALL AROUND.

BANANA BONANZA, AND, UM, CAN I HAVE MORE JUICE, PLEASE?

AND SOME WATER.

[ SNEEZES ]

BLESS YOU.

EXCUSE ME.

DO YOUR NIPPLES GET HARD WHEN YOU SNEEZE?

UH, I DON'T...

I DON'T KNOW.

MINE DO.

I COULD PUT AN EYE OUT. YOURS?

LIKE LITTLE DIAMONDS.

MINE ARE ALWAYS HARD. I'M NOT SURE WHY.

I ALREADY DID THIS GUY.

THAT WAS SENIOR. THIS IS JUNIOR.

OH, THAT'S SAD.

THEY SHOULD HAVE DIED TOGETHER. SAVED YOU A JOURNEY.

REALLY, THOUGH.

SO, PEANUT...

YOU FEEL UP TO TAKING A SOUL TODAY?

NOT REALLY.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

TIME TO BUST THAT CHERRY.

2-B OR NOT 2-B?

THAT'S THE QUESTION...

AND FOR ONE UNLUCKY PASSENGER ON COASTAL LINK EXPRESS,

IT TURNS OUT I HAVE THE ANSWER.

HOW DO I KNOW WHICH ONE?

CAR SIX, SEAT FOUR. TRAVELING ALONE.

ONCE THEY TAKE THEIR SEAT, MAKE SURE THEY STAY THERE.

[ P.A. ]: LAST CALL, TRACK TWO.

COASTAL LINK EXPRESS MAKING ITS FINAL STOP

AT PORTLAND'S SIXTH AVENUE STATION.

E.T.D. IS 7:27.

IT'S GOING TO BE A VIOLENT ONE,

SO POP THE SOUL OUT BEFORE THINGS GET MESSY.

HOW VIOLENT?

WEAR YOUR SEAT BELT.

DO TRAINS HAVE SEAT BELTS?

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK THEY DO.

I'M GOING TO VOMIT.

WELL,

THE FIRST ONE'S NEVER EASY.

I REMEMBER MINE, DAMN FOOL.

BLUR IT IS. ALMOST VAPORIZED.

TOOK ME A HALF-HOUR TO FIND A PIECE BIG ENOUGH

TO PULL THE SOUL OUT OF.

WHAT IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG?

WELL, LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD.

THAT'S SO NOT FUNNY.

YOU'LL BE FINE.

JUST DO EVERYTHING LIKE I SHOWED YOU,

AND I'LL SEE YOU AT THE NEXT STOP,

RIGHT UP HERE.

ALL ABOARD!

I WAS ON AUTOPILOT.

EVERY TIME MY BODY TOOK A STEP,

MY MIND SCREAMED FOR IT TO STOP AND RUN THE OTHER WAY,

BUT I KEPT WALKING.

I WONDERED WHICH ONE IT WAS GOING TO BE,

AND HOW THEY WERE PLANNING TO GET HOME FROM THE TRAIN STATION.

WERE THEY GOING TO TAKE A TAXI,

OR WAS A LOVED ONE SUPPOSED TO PICK THEM UP?

IF I HAD ONE WISH,

IT WOULD BE THAT THE PERSON SITTING IN CAR SIX, SEAT FOUR

WOULD BE DETAINED BY SECURITY

FOR POSSESSION OF NARCOTIC SUBSTANCES.

ANYTHING THAT MIGHT KEEP THEM FROM GETTING ON THE TRAIN.

NO SUCH LUCK.

WE HAVE A WINNER.

I IMMEDIATELY BEGAN TO FANTASIZE

ABOUT WHAT A BITCH SHE WAS.

HOW EVERYBODY HATED HER, THAT SHE WAS BARREN,

AND HAD NO CHILDREN TO LOVE HER.

THEN THIS HAPPENED.

HER NAME'S KIRSTI.

ALL ABOARD!

SHE'S IN KINDERGARTEN.

SHE LOVES DRAWING AND PLAYING WITH LEGOS.

HER FAVORITE FOOD IS FRENCH FRIES AND APPLE SAUCE,

AND SHE HAS TO DIE.

[ WHISTLING ]

THIS IS WHY HAVING A DESTINY SUCKS.

I STARED AT THE BACK OF HER SEAT

FOR WHAT SEEMED LIKE HOURS,

THINKING ABOUT ALL THE THINGS I'D RATHER BE DOING,

LIKE HAVING A ROOT CANAL, OR A PAP SMEAR,

OR GOING TO CHURCH.

SURE BEATS FLYING, DON'T IT?

WHAT? OH, YEAH, I GUESS.

YOU KNOW, ALL THE TEQUILA IN MEXICO

COULDN'T GET ME ON A PLANE.

NOW, THERE WAS THIS TIME WHEN I WAS ABOUT YOUR AGE--

I CAN'T TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW.

I'M... PRAYING.

OH.

IF ONLY I COULD CLOSE MY EYES AND WISH ALL THIS AWAY,

WISH IT INTO THE CORNFIELD, OR WHATEVER.

I'D OPEN MY EYES, AND I'D START OVER.

I'D DO EVERYTHING RIGHT.

I WOULDN'T DROP OUT OF COLLEGE,

I WOULDN'T WORK AT SOME CRAP TEMP JOB,

AND I WOULDN'T DIE.

HI.

DO YOU WORK FOR THE RAILROAD?

NO.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK TO YOU

UNLESS YOU WORK FOR THE RAILROAD.

OKAY. I WORK FOR THE RAILROAD.

WHERE'S YOUR UNIFORM?

IT'S AT THE CLEANERS, OKAY?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

KIRSTI.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY AFTER THAT.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE THEY COVER THIS SORT OF THING

ON SESAME STREET,

SO I ASKED...

YOU EVER BEEN TO SEA WORLD?

MAGIC MOUNTAIN?

DISNEYLAND?

I LIKE DONALD DUCK.

YEAH, ME TOO.

YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU SPEND ALL DAY AT THE PARK

RIDING ALL THE RIDES, AND YOU DON'T WANT TO STOP?

AND THEN YOUR PARENTS SAY IT'S TIME TO GO HOME,

ONLY YOU'RE NOT READY YET.

YOU JUST WANT TO GO ON ONE MORE RIDE, BUT YOU CAN'T,

AND IT'S NOT FAIR,

AND YOU'RE PISSED OFF, AND...

IS ANY OF THIS MAKING SENSE?

WHY DON'T YOU COME SIT WITH ME?

MISS... EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, WE'RE JUST CHANGING SEATS.

YOU KNOW THIS LITTLE GIRL?

I DON'T KNOW HER.

MAYBE YOU BOTH SHOULD GO BACK TO YOUR ASSIGNED SEATS.

NO, SHE SHOULD COME SIT WITH ME.

SIT DOWN AND HOLD ONTO SOMETHING.

MISTER BLINKY!

EVERYONE OKAY?

THERE WERE 10 PASSENGERS IN THIS CAR.

I'LL COUNT YOU ALL OFF.

ONE, TWO,

THREE,

FOUR...

SWEET KIRSTI,

WITH HER BABY-DOLL DRESS AND PATENT LEATHER MARY-JANES,

WAS ALIVE AND WELL.

I SECRETLY HOPED

THAT THIS SORT OF THING WAS GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION.

...10.

AND THAT WAS ONE MORE THAN THERE SHOULD BE.

WE'RE ALL HERE.

FORTUNATELY,

THE TRAUMA OF OUR COLLECTIVE NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE

KEPT CONVERSATION TO A MINIMUM.

WE'RE PROBABLY NOT TOO FAR FROM HIGHWAY 20.

I'M SURE RESCUE TEAMS ARE ON THEIR WAY.

I SUGGEST WE USE THIS TIME TO KEEP WARM

AND COUNT OUR BLESSINGS.

MISS?

WE SHOULD STICK TOGETHER.

I HAVE TO PEE.

STAY CLOSE.

[ HUMMING ]

RUBE, WHERE ARE YOU?

KEEP IT DOWN.

YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL, YOU DICK.

WELL, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE. WHY HER?

WHY DO YOU THINK?

SHE SHOWED UP FOR HER APPOINTMENT.

WELL, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE RESCHEDULED.

WELL, THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.

YOU JUST CAN'T CHANGE FATE.

I DID.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

WHAT DID YOU DO?

SHE'S NOT DEAD.

I DIDN'T REMOVE HER SOUL.

YOU MIND TELLING ME WHAT IT IS YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

I'M LETTING HER LIVE.

THERE'S A CARDINAL RULE.

EVERYBODY DIES.

NOW YOU BETTER MARCH ON OVER THERE,

AND YOU TAKE HER SOUL RIGHT QUICK.

IF YOU WANT HER TO DIE SO BAD, YOU DO IT.

I CAN'T. NO ONE CAN, EXCEPT YOU.

DEATH IS NON-TRANSFERABLE.

SHE'S YOUR MARK.

ONLY YOU CAN DO THE DEED.

THEN BARRING ANY UNFORESEEN ACCIDENTS,

I'D SAY SHE HAS ANOTHER 80 YEARS.

YEAH, WELL, YOU BELIEVE ME, THAT'S 80 YEARS SHE DOESN'T WANT.

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

HER FATE WAS SEALED STEPPING ONTO THAT TRAIN.

HER SOUL EXPIRED.

KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU KEEP A SOUL AROUND AFTER IT'S TIME?

NO.

SAME THING THAT HAPPENS TO MILK.

IT SPOILS, GOES BAD.

SOULS GO BAD IN ALL KINDS OF WAYS.

BUT-- IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE

COMPREHENDING THE SEVERITY OF THIS SITUATION,

WHY DON'T YOU CONSULT WEBSTER'S

ON THE DEFINITION OF "BAD"?

IF YOU DON'T TAKE HER SOUL,

IT'S GOING TO WITHER, AND DIE,

AND ROT INSIDE HER.

I'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN.

DO YOU WISH TO CONDEMN HER TO THAT?

SHE'S JUST A LITTLE GIRL.

SHE CAN'T DIE. IT'S CRUEL.

IT IS CRUEL.

IT'S CRUEL SHE'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT LIFE IS REALLY LIKE.

IT'S CRUEL SHE'LL MISS OUT

ON SO MUCH LOVE, AND PAIN, AND BEAUTY,

AND THAT'S SAD FOR EVERYONE IN THE WORLD,

EXCEPT FOR HER.

SHE WON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS.

SHE'LL BE DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT,

AND THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

BUT I...

I JUST WANTED TO SAVE HER.

YOU CAN'T.

YOU CAN'T SAVE ANY OF THEM.

ALL YOU CAN EVER HOPE TO DO IS MAKE IT EASIER,

AND THAT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE A LOT,

BUT IT IS.

GO ON.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY.

I...

I MEAN, YOU...

DO ME A FAVOR, JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES.

WE'RE GOING TO GO FOR A RIDE, OKAY?

WAIT! YOU CAN'T GO WHERE SHE'S GOING.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S NOT FOR US TO KNOW.

AS WE WALKED INTO THE DARK UNKNOWN,

OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT,

I THOUGHT, IS THIS IT?

IS THIS WHO I AM?

AM I REALLY A GRIM REAPER?

I THINK FOR ME, DEATH WAS JUST A WAKE-UP CALL.