Original subtitles

.

- [groans]

Parenting is exhausting.

- You're tired because you were up until 5:00 in the morning

playing a game on your phone.

- It's not a game.

It's a realistic pizza parlor simulator.

[chuckling] It's very different.

There's no winning. - Then why do you play?

- To earn pizza points to get better toppings.

- What's up, Peralta?

- Hey, Trudy Judy and dog Judy.

what's going on? Are you puppy sitting for Doug?

- Well, I was, but I need you to take him for me,

because I'm going on a little vacay,

and let's just say

there's going to be some activities

that aren't suitable for a little dog.

Mm!

Like parasailing. - Oh.

Thought you were building to something much more sexual.

- Nope, just really pumped for parasailing.

Also, there's gonna be a lot of [bleep],

but the dog's okay with that.

Here. - Ugh.

As much as we would love

to take care of this extremely unneutered animal,

we can't, because I'm too allergic.

- Wait, why isn't Doug Judy taking care of dog Judy?

Is he out of town or something?

- Oh, no, you didn't hear?

Doug got arrested. He's going to prison.

- Wait, what?

- Doug got arrested. He's going to prison.

- Yeah, no, I heard you. I was just processing.

- Aw. You want to hug a dog? - Oh, my God.

It's, like, a third of him.

[upbeat music]

♪

- Sup, Peralta? - Hey, what's going on?

Why didn't you tell me you're in jail?

Did you not want me to find out who arrested you?

Is there another cop in your life?

- No, none of these pigs mean jack to me.

No offense to Evan. You've been great this week.

- I don't understand. I thought you went straight.

- I did. I got a job. I have a wife.

But the other day, I was driving

to the new mega Target in South Orange, New Jersey

because they have 50% off

whole-home mesh wireless systems.

- With a rebate? - No.

Discount taken at register.

- Oh, you gotta hit that. - I know.

And on the way over there,

a guy rear-ended me and the cops showed up.

Turns out I had a warrant out for my arrest.

- But we wiped your criminal record.

- You wiped my New York record.

I stole a car in Trenton five years ago.

- Well, you still should have called me.

I could've helped you out. - It wouldn't have mattered.

There's a lot of evidence against me.

I left a picture of me at the scene of the crime

with a note bragging about how I did it.

- Ah, well, yes, that would make it difficult.

- Impossible.

They're moving me to South Woods prison tomorrow.

- Tomorrow? - I know.

But you know what really bums me out?

I had no warning.

I only wish that I had known it was gonna happen

so I could've had one last moment of joy

before I get taken to jail.

But alas...'tis not to be.

- Wait a minute. What if it...'tis to be?

What if I drive you to prison?

We could have one more adventure!

- Honestly, Jake, I don't see how it's possible

to have fun on a trip to prison.

- Yeah, it sucks, but I dunno, maybe for just a few hours,

you could focus on the journey and not the destination.

- "Focus on the journey, not the destination."

I like that; did you steal it from a car commercial?

- No. It was an Instagram ad for a travel bidet.

Look, I know it's not perfect, but if you say yes,

I promise I will plan some sexy-ass surprises.

- How sexy we talking?

- How sexy you got?

[rock music]

- Is that a '79 Pontiac Trans Am?

- Sexy-ass surprise number one. We're riding in style.

- I can't believe the Department of Corrections

was cool with you taking your friend to prison.

- Well, I can be very persuasive.

I got the guy and his family

a six-day pass to Pirate's Cove Waterpark.

- So many days in the water.

The family's gonna be pruney.

- Yeah, it wasn't a good bribe.

- Well, let's hit the road. - Up-bup-bup.

Before we do that. There's another surprise,

but I'm gonna need your hands free for this one.

- Wait, you got a pen?

I'll show you a little trick I learned from a magician

who, for legal purposes, shall remain nameless,

but is unquestionably a mind freak.

- [whispers] Criss Angel.

- I can neither confirm nor deny--bam!

Your cuffs and your pen, sir.

- That was incredibly fast.

Consider my mind freaked.

On that note, it is time for sexy-ass surprise number two.

A classic Jake and Judy outfit change!

both: ♪ Ah!

[laid-back funk music]

♪

- I'm feeling this print.

- I thought you might. We got tigers and toucans.

- Tigers and toucs! - Ooh.

And now, for the pièce de résistance.

- [nasal laugh] Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Little French. I like where this is going.

- And voilà.

- "PB" and "&J."

- Pontiac Bandit and Jake.

Go together like peanut butter and jelly.

- It's never coming off.

Except for in a couple hours

when I have to check into prison for five years.

- Buh-bup-bup-- journey, not the destination.

- It's never coming off. - That's the spirit.

Let's ride.

♪

- Mind if I DJ? - I was counting on it.

Bust out those banging bar mitzvah beats, bruv.

- Let's see what you got.

Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mill,

really a lot of Taylor Swift. - Pfft, I'm over her.

I barely even memorized all the lyrics to "Folklore."

- What's SAS3?

- I'm glad you asked, mon frère.

That track is sexy-ass surprise number three.

- [laughs excitedly]

- Okay, so I know this audio engineer

who's friends with a guy who's roommates with a guy

who gets lunch for a guy who's friends with a guy

who knows Drake.

And he laid down a beat for us to write a song to!

- Drake laid down a beat for us?

- What? No, no. The friend did.

The Drake thing was just to establish his credentials.

- And it worked.

That dude's, like, six spots removed from Drake.

He's the real deal. - Mm.

[hip-hop beat]

- ♪ Uh - ♪ Uh

- ♪ Uh - ♪ Uh

- ♪ Uh

A lot of room for uh's. I like that.

- I thought you would.

- ♪ Doug and Jake rolling down the street ♪

- ♪ PB and J a tasty little treat ♪

- ♪ Two cool dudes making sandals for your feet ♪

- What? - I was going for the rhyme,

but now I kind of feel like it's a good idea.

- Love it.

♪ Making sandals that last is our ideology ♪

♪ Made real by our patented, strapless technology ♪

It's magnets. - [laughing] Okay!

♪ Yo, you can wear 'em on the beach ♪

- ♪ Wear 'em on a hike

- ♪ Wear 'em on a Peloton exercise bike ♪

both: ♪ Doug and Jake, two best friends ♪

♪ With the premium, open-toed shoes for men! ♪

♪ Rah!

- [laughs] That was crazy.

We never even rehearsed and just did it perfectly.

It was like Jackson Maine and Ally.

- I call Ally. - Aw, I wanted Ally.

Okay, it's time for sexy-ass surprise number four.

Let me ask you this.

If you could eat any meal on Earth, what would it be?

- Cheeseburger cracker flavor Combos,

Philly cheesesteaks from Pat's, Popeye's biscuits,

McDonald's fries, Wendy's nuggets,

Sonic tots, fountain Coke,

and of course, my mama's sweet potato pie.

- Oh, wow.

That's actually a very tall order,

which I completely filled.

- What? You smorgasborded it?

- I smorgasborded it!

- [laughs] You know what this calls for?

- What's that? - Foot slap!

both: Ooh!

- How did you find cheeseburger cracker Combos?

Weren't they discontinued? Tell me the whole story.

- A bodega in Queens had an old box.

- Wow. - Yeah.

Kind of makes me sad, though. - How come?

- One day, it's out in the world thriving,

and then poof, gets pulled off the streets.

- Ah.

Well, I mean, it's not like it's gone forever.

You know, it'll be back in circulation soon.

- Maybe, but sometimes when a product

is taken off the shelves, it never returns.

- It's gonna be okay.

I promise I'll visit the Combos every month.

- The Combos will be very grateful for that.

They're lucky to have a friend like you.

[horn honking]

- Charles? - Yeah.

- What are you doing? - What are youdoing?

Why are you alone with a criminal

who's escaped you multiple times?

- Seems like a loaded question.

- Oh, that's not even half my load.

- Okay. - Oh, my God. I'm too late.

You're already seduced by Doug Judy's wiles.

- Okay, I appreciate the concern,

but Doug has changed.

This was an old crime, and he's already owned up to it.

He's not trying to escape.

- He's already out of his handcuffs.

- Just so we can do our sweet-ass outfit change.

- Tigers and toucans! - Tigers and toucans!

- Obviously, they're fantastic, but Jake, by trusting him,

you're putting your job on the line,

which means you're also putting my job on the line.

- How so?

- Because if you get fired, I will swim out into the ocean

until I'm too tired to swim back

and I will sink to the bottom and then I won't have a job.

- Oh, my God. All right.

Well, I'm already driving him to prison,

so there's nothing I can do about it now.

- Oh, yes, there is.

Welcome to the Boyle bus.

- Why we getting in this wack ride?

- Charles refuses to accept what close friends we are.

He thinks you're trying to escape

and that your crew's on the lookout for the Trans Am,

so he insisted we switch into his weird family bus.

- That's ridiculous. - Isn't it?

- It doesn't matter what vehicle we're in.

- That's what I said.

- I'm gonna escape from you either way.

- Exactly. Wait, what was that?

.

- I still don't understand.

What do you mean you're escaping?

- Sorry, bro. Plan is already in motion.

Trudy came to you. You took the bait.

- Come on.

If you were really trying to escape,

why would you tell me?

- Honestly, I didn't like lying to you.

You're a good friend.

- Well, if I'm such a good friend,

why are you trying to escape from me?

- I'm not trying to escape from you.

I'm trying to escape from prison.

Let me ask you this.

Do you know why I stole that car?

- Because you "love doing crimes."

That's me directly quoting your catchphrase.

- First of all, my catchphrase is "slurp, slurp."

- You've never once said that. - I say it constantly.

Second of all, me "loving crime"

is classic empty bravado.

The truth is I was arrested

when I was 22 for something stupid.

When I got out, nobody would hire me

because I had a criminal record.

My dreams of being a landscape architect were out the window.

- That was your dream?

- I wanted to be the Black Edward Scissorhands.

- Oh, that's great. - I get all that,

but that's not what this is about.

I mean, you could have escaped from anyone,

but you chose to set me up.

And now my job and my name are all on the line.

You used me, Doug. You're a bad friend.

- You're the bad friend.

- I got you a tracksuit. Tigers and toucs.

- Might as well be a jumpsuit.

A prison jumpsuit.

You're taking me to prison.

The fact that you thought I'd go willingly

means you don't know me at all.

- Oh, please. I know everything about you.

- You didn't know my catchphrase.

- You have never once said "slurp, slurp" before today.

- That you believe that is so hurtful.

- Okay, well, there's clearly only one way to settle this.

- Ignore him and take him directly to prison.

- A high-stakes trivia contest

to decide who's the better friend.

- What? - If I win,

you agree not to try and escape.

- But if I win, you agree to let me go.

- Deal. - That is a bad idea.

I cannot let you take this risk, Jake.

- It'll be just like game night at the Camden Senior Center.

You can be Estelle Minderman.

- She's my favorite emcee. Damn it, I'm in!

[horns honking] - Charles!

- The name of the game is called,

"Who Knows Mo', Friend Or Foe, Are You Fo' Real

Or Just Fo' Show?" - Little wordy.

- Each contestant will answer and ask ten personal questions.

Whoever gets the most correct answers

will be crowned the better friend.

- Also, there is that whole "going to prison or not" thing.

- America can't relate

to the prison stuff; it's too real.

It's a game about friendship,

and may the better friend win.

Jake, you will ask the first question.

Begin!

- What is my middle name?

- You tell people it's Zack, but it's really Jeffrey.

- No, it's Zack, like Zack Morris.

- Point for Doug.

- What is the name of the alter ego

I use for fancy crimes?

- Lord Poncy Cumbershire.

- 'Tis correct. - Point for Jake.

- What is my favorite Knicks memory?

- When they fired Phil Jackson.

- Mm.

Yeah, that was a good day.

- What is the most embarrassing thing

that's ever happened to me? - Oh, when you were

cut out of that season of "Real Housewives"

where you were dating Ramona. - I wasn't embarrassed.

I was just disappointed at the way it was handled.

- Yeah.

What is my least favorite word?

- Buttress.

- It just makes me picture a mattress with a butt.

- What is my least favorite thing?

- Meringue because it looks so much better than it tastes.

- It's a trick food!

♪

- Doug's up by one.

Jake, you need to answer the final question correctly.

Otherwise, he wins. Doug, lay it on him.

- Hmm.

Jake Peralta, do I have an earring?

[suspenseful music]

- Um.

What? - You heard me.

We've been in the car for three hours.

You've known me for seven years.

Do I have an earring?

- Oh, no. I'm drawing a blank.

I can kind of picture a diamond stud.

- That'd be a good look.

- Or maybe a gold cross or a little hoop.

- I do have versatile ears.

- Now I'm just seeing it pretty clearly with no earring.

Ah, this is hard.

But I'm gonna go with my gut and say...

yes, you do have an earring.

Nothing but lobe? This whole time?

- Since the day we met. - [groans]

- I guess I know you better after all.

- Or do you? - Wait, why are you smiling?

- Because we played you!

If you actually knew me, you would have known

that I only agreed to do "Who Knows Mo', Friend Or Foe,

Are You Fo' Real Or Just Fo' Show?"

in order to stall. - I was in on it.

"Estelle Minderman"

is the code word we use for when there's a twist,

because when Estelle hosts game night at the Senior Center,

she always makes sure one of the games has a sexy twist.

- And when I was writing my answers into my phone,

I was secretly texting Captain Holt

our vehicle description and location.

Backup is already on the way.

Wait, why are yousmiling now?

- Because I played you.

I knew you would text for backup.

So I changed your contacts while I was DJ-ing.

Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mill, really a lot of Taylor Swift.

So when you were texting Captain Holt,

you were actually texting Trudy Judy.

- State troopers are on their way.

Sincerely, Raymond Holt.

- Now my crew knows exactly where we are

and exactly what we're driving.

Because I know you mo'.

Slurp, slurp.

.

- What do we do? We can't outrun Doug's men.

Boyle bus tops out at 50. - [shushes]

I'm calling Holt for help. [line ringing]

- Go for Trudy. - Oh, damn it!

- Yeah, I changed all the numbers.

- Come on. Charles, give me your phone.

All right, all right. [line ringing]

- Peralta, what's going on? - Sir, I need your help.

Doug Judy tricked me and now his crew knows our location

and they're on their way to help him escape.

- Hey, Captain Holt. - Doug says hi.

- How many times have I warned you not to trust that man?

- A lot of times.

But honestly, you tell me not to do things so often,

I kinda just tune it out.

- If Doug Judy escapes,

I can't help you; you will be fired.

- Okay, I know I messed up.

But can you at least get us some backup?

- Send me a pin of your location.

I'll have state troopers rendezvous with you.

Do Judy's men know what car you're driving?

- Yes. They--no. Not for long.

- What the hell is this?

- This is the front of a Galaxie 500

welded to the back of a Datsun

with half its windows and no trunk.

It's all I could afford.

- You really think you're gonna

make it to the prison in that?

- Well, we only have 38 miles left.

So sorry, Judy,

but it looks like I have the upper hand now.

- Door fell off.

So what you want to talk about?

- Nothing. We're not talking anymore.

[phone ringing] No. No, no, no.

No phone call for you. - She's calling for you.

- Yeah, it was gonna be another fun road trip surprise.

But you don't deserve it. - Sup, Rosa?

- ♪ Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy ♪

- No, no, no, no, there's no singing for him now.

- But you made me learn such a long song.

It has 35 verses and no chorus.

- I know. I'm sorry. But plans have changed.

- Let me guess. Doug wasn't excited about prison

and now he's trying to escape?

- Yes. - You know it.

- [laughs] Good luck, Doug.

- [laughs] Thank you for planning that.

What's the next surprise? - There isn't one.

You ruined it. There's no more fun.

- So that's how it is?

When it's gonna end with me in prison,

we can have a good time.

But now it's gonna end with me

riding off into the sunset a free man,

and we're all moody?

- You're not escaping.

And if you did, I would lose my badge.

- Maybe it's for the best. You'd make a dope realtor.

- I don't want to be a realtor.

- You're telling me you don't want to sell a penthouse

to Zayn Malik and then party with him afterwards?

- I mean... that does sound kind of cool.

- Next thing you know, you're the go-to guy

for all of One Direction's property needs.

[chuckles] Whoo!

- No! There's too much tension between Zayn and the others.

You're selling me a pipe dream.

- All I'm saying is you're more than just your job.

- You know, it doesn't matter.

It still doesn't give you the right to get me fired.

- Honestly, seems like a small price to pay for my freedom.

Think about it. That's all I ask.

[siren whoops] - Oh, finally.

- Captain Raymond Holt called in for backup.

We're supposed to escort you to the prison.

- Copy that. Thanks.

- What are y'all wearing?

both: Tigers and toucans.

Yessir.

- Interesting. And why isn't he cuffed?

- Uh, don't worry about it.

Peralta knows I wouldn't physically overwhelm him.

What's happening here is more of a mental overwhelmsion.

- There's been no overwhelmsion of any kind.

- And yet I just tricked you into thinking

"overwhelmsion" is a word. - [scoffs] No.

- Stay in contact if you need anything.

- Thank you.

- Hey, if we're not gonna talk,

can we at least play some music?

[lively polka music] Oh, I can get with this.

Oompah-oompah-oompah-oompah, oompah-oompah-oompah.

- What are you doing? - Wow.

I can't have a diverse musical palate?

- I'm not sure what you're so happy about.

I have backup now.

- I'm choosing to focus

on the journey, not the destination.

- Suit yourself.

Wait a minute.

This isn't part of your plan. Is it?

Are the state troopers actually your guys?

- Sounds like something I would do.

- I mean, how would you even have contacted them?

Unless somebody messed with Holt's phone.

- Classic Doug.

- No, it's crazy. You're just bluffing.

- Also classic Doug.

- Rerouting. - Rerouting?

- It's probably nothing.

I'm sure we're going down a side road

away from the prison for a good reason.

[suspenseful music]

- Hey, this is Peralta.

Why'd you guys just turn? Where are you going?

- This is the way to the prison.

- [groans softly]

I'm heading into a trap.

Aren't I? - Hard to say.

- But if those are your guys, what are they waiting for?

- Don't know. - But if they're not your guys,

where are we going? - Unclear.

- I'm calling Charles. [line ringing]

- What's up, Peralta?

- No! All right, Jake, stay calm.

This all makes sense. You called for backup.

Then Holt said backup was coming.

And now they're here. These guys are real.

If you can't trust them, you can't trust anyone.

- You're right. That's good logic.

- I can't trust anyone!

[tires squealing]

♪

Okay. We lost them.

I gotta know, were they actually your guys?

- Nope. - Damn it! I knew it!

Whatever.

It doesn't matter anyway. We're almost there.

We're just taking a different route.

- At the next intersection, turn left.

- Wait, this doesn't look right.

- Sure, it does.

We just took a different route, like you said.

Came in the back way.

- Yeah, but prison should be visible.

- You have reached your destination.

♪

- Uh-oh. - [chuckles]

Slurp, slurp, Peralta.

- Slurp, slurp. - [slurps]

.

- I don't understand. How did this happen?

- Remember when I switched out your contacts?

I also changed the destination in your GPS.

- So we've been driving

to the wrong place this whole time?

Everything else was just a distraction?

- I wanted you to focus on the journey,

not the destination.

- Oh. - Yeah. I got that from you.

- Dumbass. - He's not a dumbass, Trudy.

It was a brilliant plan.

- Yeah, that hinged on him handing you his phone

and not noticing that he was driving directly to us.

- Yeah, but there was also some mental misdirection.

- It was a bit of a chess match; it's true.

- Yeah, a chess match with a dumbass.

- All right, we gotta move. Judys, you get in the SUV.

I'll take care of the cop.

- What do you mean, "take care of him"?

- Shoot him in the face. - What?

Doug, who are these guys? - I don't know.

Trudy, who are these guys?

- Well, your old crew split when you went legit,

so I put a ad for goons on the internet.

- TaskRabbit? - Craigslist.

- Trudy, never contact Craigslist crooks.

- He's a cop. He's seen our faces.

- It's okay. He doesn't care about you.

He doesn't even know your names.

- It's Vince Thompson. - Don't tell him!

- Look, I'm just after Doug, that's it.

- Yeah, he's gonna forget all about you,

guy whose name I can't even remember.

- It's Vince Michael Thompson. - What is wrong with you?

- Look, you can let us do what you hired us to do

or you can join your buddy in a ditch.

- Fair enough. Enjoy the ditch, Jake.

- "Enjoy the ditch"?

Those are your final words to me?

- Hey man, it's not a game, and I'm not Estelle Minderman.

Life is about choices, difficult choices

that sometimes--now!

[dramatic music]

- All right, nobody move! Stay where you are!

- See you later, dumbass!

♪

[indistinct chatter]

- I'll take the prisoner.

- Oh, can you actually give me one second?

Thanks. Look, Doug,

I'm sorry it's gotta be like this.

If you're mad at me, I get it.

- I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself.

I should never become friends with a cop.

I mean, how'd I expect this to end?

- [sighs] Well, regardless,

thanks for saving me back there

with the Estelle Minderman thing.

- I wasn't gonna let them hurt you, Jake.

We're PB and J. - We're PB and J.

- Yeah.

- I want to hug you, but you're cuffed.

- You can hug me.

[warm music]

♪

- [sighs] Okay, you can take him.

I'll see you soon.

♪

- Peralta, there's a call for you.

- Oh, is it a casting agent from "Double Dare"?

I submitted it as a kid.

Maybe they're finally calling to put me on the show.

- You think they'd be calling 30 years later?

- All right, fine. I also submitted to the reboot.

- It's not "Double Dare."

It's an inmate from South Hills state prison.

- Doug Judy.

Hello? - Hey, Peralta.

What's good? - Hey, Doug, are you okay?

- I wanted you to know,

and I've been thinking about it a lot--

I didn't mean what I said.

I'm glad I met you.

Sure, it ended badly,

but we had some good times along the way too.

We went on a cruise together.

- We flew on Mark Cuban's jet.

- We ate at a restaurant next to Gail from "Top Chef."

- Yeah, and then you got

so mad at her about "Last Chance Kitchen."

- I wasn't mad. I just think it's insane

that they make you go online to watch it.

The point is I wouldn't trade those moments for anything.

I'm choosing to focus on the journey.

- [person speaking non-English language]

- Wait a minute. What language was that?

- I don't know. Maybe Dutch. There's a lot of that in here.

You know how active the Dutch mafia is in Jersey.

- Judy. - Okay, fine.

Surprise! I'm in Amsterdam!

I escaped from prison.

My wife and I are living the life here now.

Amsterdam is great.

Jake, they got universal healthcare,

legalized marijuana,

and the workers are treated so much better.

But you know what the best part is?

- That you're a free man again.

- No. Stroopwafels.

They're, like, these wafer cookies

with caramel in between.

- Oh, yeah, I think I've seen those at Trader Joe's.

Well, look, I guess I'm happy that you're happy.

- Well, I owe it all to you. - What do you mean?

- I think you know what I mean. - Nope, no idea.

- Really? Because after we hugged goodbye,

I noticed your pen

was in my pocket.

- Oh, that's weird. It was?

- Uh-huh, and then I used it

to mind freak myself

out of my cuffs and then out of jail.

- Well, then I guess it's certainly lucky

that it ended up in your pocket.

- I wonder how it got there. - Yeah.

Well, I guess we'll never know.

- Well, however it got there,

I'm glad it did.

I love you, Peralta.

- Love you, too, Judy.

- Tigers and toucs!

- Tigers and toucs.

- Not a doctor. - [shushes]