Original subtitles

MAN ON TV: Now, Junior, now! He's got...

WALLY: [laughing]

[gunfire]

WALLY: [laughing] Future!

OFFICER: He's from the future?

[laughs]

- What's so funny? - Oh, I love this episode.

- It's funny. - Ah, shit.

- What? - Nora, your neck!

WALLY: Quiet, Ma.

Oh, no, I just got a little... I think it's a little

mosquito bite or something.

- Ah, no mosquito can do that. - Look.

- WALLY: Hey, hey, stop it! - GRANDMA: No, look.

- Ah! Whoa! - Hey.

NORA: Holy shit! Oh, oh, oh.

- Dad. Dad. Look. - Will you keep it down?

- What is it? - Look, look, look, look.

- Ahhhh! - Ahhh!

Ew! Why does it look like Texas?

Galveston Bay, Dallas, Fort Worth,

Lubbock, it's Texas.

?

- [in Texas accent] - GRANDMA: Ah, dear,

it looks like shingles to me.

Stop doing a Texas accent.

How does one even get shingles nowadays?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

Stress, diet, lifestyle.

They can all cause shingles.

Anybody who's had chicken pox can have the shingles, princess.

I didn't have chicken pox.

Uh, yeah, you came home with it the same day

there was an earthquake in Queens.

No, I don't remember an earthquake in Queens, no.

Yes, it was 2003.

I was making dinner and getting ready to watch "Judge Judy"

when everything started shaking.

No, I don't remember that.

Do you think that memory loss is a side of the shingle?

Oh, will you relax and go to urgent care?

I'm dying, father.

I'm dying.

Well, perhaps this a good time to talk about

living a healthier lifestyle.

I do live a healthy lifestyle.

I had a zucchini yesterday.

And also, my immune system's like so good, dude.

Yeah.

I'm just gonna recover without the Western medical system.

I'm gonna do the hol... [pops]

[spits]

Ah, is that a tooth?

Uh, do you have to call ahead,

or is it more of a walk-in?

?

[siren wails]

[coughing]

Hi, I've come to consult a doctor about, um... well,

a potpourri of things.

Sign in on the tablet.

High-tech, huh?

Do you have Candy Crush on here? [laughs]

Are you sexually active?

Yes.

- That's nice. - Thank you.

?

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Will you take a seat, please?

Yeah, and those are true, for sure.

[clears throat]

Hi. What are you in for?

A double homicide?

BOTH: [laughing]

- You're funny. - Thanks.

Long story short, I swallowed a key.

Oh, ouch.

- Yeah, yeah. - And a little bit of hair.

- But don't worry, it was human. - Okay.

Fun fact, did you know that DNA can be stored in human hair

for up to ten years?

I don't know if that's like the fun-est fact,

but that's cool.

- I'm Greta, by the way. - Oh, Greta. Yeah.

Like that awesome climate change girl, right?

That like hoodied... vegan emo prophet?

Okay.

No, I'm nothing like her.

- She's a shero. - A shero?

- NURSE: Nora Lin? - Yes.

- Thank... so nice to meet you. - GRETA: Nice to meet you too.

And I hope that you... shit out the key

without pain and suffering.

Bye, girl.

[door closes]

- My own room? - Mm-hmm.

For moi? Wow.

Okay, you're gonna put this gown on.

It's gonna open in the back. Mm-hmm.

It's like those reusable tote.

Actually, you need to take your clothes off

to put the robe on.

Naked?

- I'll give you some privacy. - No.

? Uh, hey, Dirty. What? ?

? Look at that girl right thurr. She make me say ?

? I like the way you do that right thurr, right thurr ?

? Swing your hips when your walkin' ?

? Let down your hurr, down your hurr ?

? I like the way you do that right thurr, right thurr ?

? Lick your lips when your talkin', that make me sturr ??

Hi, Doctor.

Hello, Miss. Oh, dear.

That's supposed to be open to the back.

Oh, I thought it was open from the front, like it is now.

- Uh... - Oh.

- No worries at all. - Oh, my bush!

Oh my God, I'm sorry. [Laughs]

Let's just close it up.

I haven't done a little snip-snip in a while.

Couple years.

Fortunately, not maintained as... like your beard.

So, looks like you're coming in today for...

- Shingles. - Calcified heart valve.

- What? - Oh, let's get you an MRI.

I... I came here for a rash, not a heart problem.

Your chart says heart problem.

Let's get you in the tube.

The tube.

?

Um, I'm just a little nervous, 'cause it's like a lot,

but, um, it's not gonna be crazy, is it?

Not at all.

[machine whirs]

It won't hurt, right?

[machine whirs]

Oh wow.

It's like a music video up in here.

- [machine vibrates] - That's a... what... what...

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Is this normal?

Is this normal?!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, oh, oh no, oh dear.

Oooh, oooh, oooh! Shit!

[dog barking]

[birds chirping]

?

Oh.

Hello.

?

Ugh.

?

NORA: A VW Bug?

You don't see enough of those anymore.

[indistinct rap music plays]

- Watch where you're going. - Watch where you're going.

? I was gonna pay my child support ?

With a first generation iPod.

IPod one.

- MAN: This is brand-new. - Dumb ol' bitch.

?

NORA: Nokias.

They're all using Nokias.

?

Wait.

?

NORA: Uh, oh my God, it's 2003!

- 'Sup, Slut. - It's you.

Yes. Where are we?

2003.

But Queens looks the same.

But how did we end up in 2003?

I don't know.

I was in the MRI machine, the earthquake happened.

It must have like ripped a hole in the space-time continuum?

Yeah, but I wasn't in the MRI.

I was like taking a number two, so why am I here too?

Well... maybe... maybe you were like on the other side

- of the wall or... - Yeah.

- Yeah, that's make total sense. - Yeah, it does, yeah.

No further explanation needed.

- Well, just... - Wait, is that a video store?

- Ahhh! - ? Making my way downtown

? Walking fast

We should... we should finish talking about this.

[doorbell rings]

Oh my God, I haven't been to one of these in so long.

Yeah.

Girl, "The Whores."

"The Hours." "The Hours."

- So good. - NORA: Yeah, love it.

Wait. Do you guys watch this on Christmas?

"The Tuxedo"? No.

Um, "A Christmas Story."

- So good. - NORA: Really good.

GRETA: Wait, do you remember this movie,

where he like fucks a pie and is like urg-urg-urg.

And then like the dad comes in, but he's like also really horny?

And then he has those really thick eyebrows.

- Yes. - [gasps]

Oh my God, "Fruitopia."

Oh my God, I love... that is such a throwback

- right there. - GRETA: Right?

- I love this era. - Yeah.

- Oh my God, Doritos 3D! - Doritos 3D!

And... and... and AIM, instant messaging on AIM.

- Evanescence! - Baby G watches.

The muffled gasps of someone's last breath!

- What? - I said "NCIS."

- "NCIS," yeah. - So good. [Giggles]

- Oh, yeah. - [nervous laughs]

Oh my God, I have an amazing idea.

- Shit, yeah, what? - Ssh, come with me.

?

Okay, so in time travel movies,

- they always go to a library. - Yeah.

We should find a librarian.

They're like the elf, but for knowledge.

- I know what a librarian is. - Oh.

Here we go, science.

Oh, look how big the computers are.

Ugh.

Science fiction.

Okay, so this is where we're gonna find out about

time travel, because it's knowledge.

Do you know what fiction means?

- Truth. - No, it doesn't mean...

- Science truth! - No!

- What are you talking... - Sssh!

Okay, this is the library, not a duck rodeo.

- So sorry, library lady. - Sorry.

- But, hey. Quick Q. - We don't need to.

- We don't need to bring her in. - Quick Q.

Yeah.

Theoretically, if you were to like travel back in time.

- Uh-huh. - What would you do?

Weird question but, um...

Well, I'd definitely go back and visit my younger self and warn

her about all the mistakes that I made,

and hopefully she wouldn't make them.

Oh my God, that is a great idea.

Right? I would definitely tell her

not to get hammered every single night

and destroy her sinuses with cocaine and not to

constantly live so hard and get so wasted all the time.

And not to do every single adult film you're offered.

Oh, are you an adult... are you an adult film star?

[chuckles] You... you guys don't recognize me?

- GRETA: No. - I'm Connie Linguist.

Connie Linguist?

I speak nine languages, and I mean... which is why I've been

working here, but... wait,

- oh my God, are you okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.

- Well, don't look at it. - No, it just looks like Texas.

- I know. - Okay, I'm just saying.

- I'm aware. - We have a Texas section.

- Okay, Nora. Let's go! - Okay.

Let's go talk to our younger selves!

Wait, do you guys need any... can I come with you guys?

- No. - Why?

Wait, I forgot to tell you.

The main rule of time travel is not to mess with the past.

- MAN: [coughs] - Ssshhh!

?

[siren wails]

NORA: Jesus, my grandma looks the same.

Man, they really haven't changed.

[laughs] Oh my God, your dad bent over,

and I could see the outline of his peeny.

NORA: Oh.

- GRETA: Oh yeah, hey, Daddy. - NORA: Okay.

Oh my... oh my God, I think that's... I think that's my bike.

I think that's me. Stay... stay there!

Hey. Howdy doody.

It's okay, it's good. I'll give you space.

I'm just... I come in peace.

I need you to listen to me.

I'm you 16 years into the future.

So, please, listen to what I'm saying.

Uh, you... you right now, you think that you're gonna grow up

to be like an astronaut, like one of the... not the lady that

drove across country in the diaper,

but like a real cool astronaut.

And you think you're gonna be a business bitch.

And you think you're gonna be married to Devon Sawa.

But unless you change right now, you're gonna end up

a 28-year-old fuck-up that still lives up in there.

Oh, okay.

And, uh, you should smoke a lot less weed.

Like a lot... a lot less.

Also, you're gonna... you're gonna poop in a hot tub

assuming that it goes to the bottom.

It comes back to the top.

?

It's unsinkable, okay?

Hey, girl, your dad's about to come outside.

Okay. And... and you're

gonna feel like a loser sometimes.

And you're gonna be jealous of people. Don't be.

- Just live in the present. - Okay.

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Airbnb, Uber, bitcoin!

The marijuana industry in general.

Don't forget that, that poop sinks to the top!

?

GRETA: So this is my house.

NORA: Wow, you're really rich.

Yeah, but then in 2008, we go into foreclosure.

Oh geesh.

Nora, I love us.

We're like Harold and Kumar.

We're like what?

Harold and Kumar.

Yeah, um, like in what way?

Like you're Asian.

Right, but...

And we're on a goofy adventure.

Yeah, but you're White.

Oh my God, I know, right?

Aw, there I am as a baby.

NORA: Oh, babies.

You know, at first I wasn't sure I even wanted to be here

or meet my younger self.

But... I'm really glad that we're here.

Yeah, it's really... it's nice, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, Judy Clock.

Man, this thing used to teach me how to tell time.

- [gasps] I... - [baby babbling]

Whoa, why are your toys all fucked up?

[grunts]

?

What... what... what'd you do with the baby?

I just saved 63 lives.

You're a serial killer?

You'll always be my Kumar!

I would be Harold!

?

Oh my God! Oh my God, she just Looper-ed herself.

She just Looper-ed herself. Shit.

?

It wasn't me. It wasn't me.

Oh God, Greta?

?

- NORA: Oh shit. - Hey! What's new?

Okay, I'm gonna come clean with ya.

I'm just gonna come clean. I am a time traveler.

- Oh, yeah, I... - Really. No, really.

- I thought so. - Okay.

- I thought something, yeah. - Good, and I need to go back.

I need to go back. I need to go back

- to the future. - Uh-huh.

And my grandma said there was an earthquake that happened

right before "Judge Judy" on this day.

- And I have... - [gasps] "Judge Judy"?

Oh my God, it's on in an hour.

I have to go back to the urgent care.

I have to go back to the urgent care.

Wait, wait, where's your friend?

- She Looper-ed herself. - Oh, wow.

Is she gonna get antibiotics?

No, "Looper" is a movie from the future.

I actually did an adult film about time travel,

and it was called "Back to the Pooper."

And it's really some of my finest work.

But you know that if you change the past,

then you could change the future in ways that you can't

even predict, you know, like you could just knock

on your family's door, and they could all be dead.

Not just like knock on their door.

But you didn't talk to yourself, right? You just...

I did have a bit of a chat.

- Eee. - Why?

- Your rash is gone, congrats. - No, it's gone?

- Yeah. - It's... no, it's imposs...

- That's good. - It's not good!

- Why? - Because I changed the past.

- Oh my God, you have to see... - I have to go talk to myself

- and undo the past... - a clip of... here,

"Back To The Pooper," it's right here. Come on.

- [moans and farts] - Oh, oh, wow.

Wha... oh my God, that's me! They think I...

Oh my God, you better get out of here.

- I have to go. - Okay.

Well, say hi to your friend. She's really cute.

?

NORA: Dad? Grandma?

Oh my God, they're gone!

[horn beeps]

- Where's Grandma? - She's dead.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, I should have never talked to you.

- I Looper-ed my own family. - [bell dings]

What's up?

Ew, get away, you have chicken pox.

No, you do.

?

Wait a minute, which one's me? I don't

[siren wails] I need the bike.

- No! - Give me the bike, come on.

- No! No! - Come on! Come on!

? You, don't wanna be just like you ?

Shit, it's a tanning salon in 2003.

?

Hello, how can I help you?

Hello.

I'm looking for an MRI machine, if you have any.

We have two packages.

Our Tahiti Sunkiss, which is 35 minutes

with the coconut lime oil.

Or the Sex On The Beach package that includes an extra 20

minutes and a complimentary toenail separator.

?

Do you know the time? Do you know what time it is?

Do I look like a clock, Connie Chung?

Alright.

That's not... you know, it's un... it's unnecessary.

Wait a second.

You're that homicidal killer on the news.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

No, I'm not! Oh, shit!

?

- [gasps] - You there, stop, stop!

?

Shit.

[banging on door]

[machine beeps]

Alright. Okay.

?

It's happening!

It's happening!

Dear God, it's happening.

[rattling]

Are you okay?

That was quite a quake, huh?

Is it... is it still 2003?

I don't know what you're talking about,

but major apologies.

We had two Japanese clients in today,

and I confused your file with his.

His?

Yes, a 75-year-old male with congenital heart failure.

I Looper-ed my family.

I Looper-ed my family. I must go.

DOCTOR: But you may have a concussion!

?

Okay, did anyone see a girl?

That was sitting in that chair and she... and she had swallowed

a key and human hair?

No, but for whatever reason, the world just feels

so much better.

Have a nice day.

?

- [door opens] - Grandma!

- WALLY: Hey! - Dad!

- WALLY: Oh! - [laughs]

You alright?

[crying]

Oh, it's alright.

[crying]

- You're alive. - Uh, yeah.

The shingles has gone to her brain.

Possibly.

I don't have shingles anymore.

Yeah, it looks like it just migrated over to the other side.

- Yeah, check it out. - Yeah, yeah,

- it looks like Italy now. - Looks like Pangaea.

- Oh, now I feel like pizza. - Yeah.

If I have still have shingles.

- Yeah. - And you two are still here.

- Yeah. - I didn't change the future.

What?

That little girl wasn't me.

- What little girl? - What little girl?

There was a girl outside in 2003.

She had a red bike just like mine.

2003?

Are you talking about that Chen girl?

Oh, that girl that used to hang out in front of our house

all the time.

What a loser.

- I think she moved away. - Yeah.

After the first earthquake, 2003.

What?

I'm just really glad you're alive.

With us.

WALLY: We're glad you're alive, too.

GRANDMA: Yeah.

I had a horrible... weird day that I don't even

know if it really happened.

- Okay. - Okay.

- So I'm gonna go. - Get some rest now.

NORA: Okay. Bye, guys.

- Bye. - WALLY: Bye-byes.

- Oh. - Oh, God!

Is the raccoon back?

[dog barking]

Hey, are you Nora?

I just wanna say thank you for all the advice you gave me

when I was a kid?

Wait, are you...

You spoke to me back in 2003 when I was a little girl.

I've tried to make sense of this ever since.

How you could have predicted all those things.

What things?

You know, Uber, Airbnb, bitcoin.

I never truly understood what any of those words meant

in your rambling speech, until I finally did

- and became a multibillionaire. - A what?

A what? A bi...

I needed to come back here to see if it was all true,

and to thank you.

With money?

Ooh, I don't actually have my purse on me right now.

Wh... wh... you... you could wire at a later date.

I live in the present, Nora.

You taught me that.

You.

Nora?

It's 4, "Judge Judy" is on.

Okay, I'm coming.

[engine revs]

NORA: Shit.

?

??

Who the [bleep] is Awkwafina?

?

? MTV

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