All language subtitles for A.Song.is.Born.1948.1080p.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-SbR.En

[lion roaring]

[music playing]

(CHORUS SINGING) First,
you take a drum beat.

And then you add a clarinet.

You sweeten with
a trombone, then

let the other cats get set.

Season with a sprinkling of
Gabriel's horn, and presto!

A song is born!

[street noise]

[clarinet playing]

[pushes button]

[other instruments join in]

They're here.

They're here.

They just drove up.

Who is here?

You know, whatchamacallit--
the lawyer for the foundation.

And Miss Totten's with him.

[men groaning]

I saw them getting
out of the car.

And this place looking
like a flicker's nest.

We're in for our semiannual
wigging, I suppose.

Put your coat on, Frisbee.

Yeah, fix your tie, too.

Fix your hair a little bit.

It looks so funny.

Straighten him up.
That's it.

What is all this nonsense?

This nonsense is Miss Totten.

And will you
please smile at her.

Gentlemen, this
is very undignified.

If you think you're
being funny, I--

Good morning, gentlemen.

Good morning, Miss Totten.

- Good morning, Miss Totten.
- Good morning.

- Miss Totten.
- Won't you sit here?

Very nice day, Miss Totten.

Would you like to speak,
Miss Totten, or shall I?

No, you go ahead Mr. Setter.

I will be brief as possible.

Gentlemen, to date $283,000 have
been expended on the writing

of this history of music.

I hope you realize that
Miss Totten's father,

the late Daniel S. Totten, left
only a quarter of a million

dollars for this project.

Every additional penny has to
come from Miss Totten's pocket.

You've been at it
for 10 years now.

Nine!

All right, nine.

I want your frank estimate of
how much longer you will take.

Well, three years, maybe four.

It cannot be!

It just cannot be!

Oh, my dear Miss
Totten, surely you

don't want to
discontinue your father's

great gesture towards human
enlightenment, do you?

Human enlightenment?

Nonsense, professor!

My father was a
disappointed musician.

He was never able to
master a single instrument.

So he decided to
manufacture pianos.

And because his name
was not included

with Steinway and
Meyer and Chickering,

he decided to
finance this project.

Exactly-- and you'll have
to get it done with quickly.

Slap it together.

Excuse me, Mr. Setter.

May I have a word?

Hello, Professor Frisbee.

Hello, Miss Totten.

You said slap it together.

We're not the slapping
together kind.

He's right.

And this is not an ordinary
encyclopedia of music.

What's different about this,
except that it's taking longer?

Don't interrupt, Mr. Setter!

In what way is this
different, Professor Frisbee?

Well, as far as I know, this
is the first history of music

which, in addition to
its written volumes,

will have albums
of recorded music.

Now in my own field
of folk music--

I'm not interested.

Don't interrupt, Mr. Setter.

Go on, professor.

I'm appealing to
you, Miss Totten--

to your vision
and to your heart.

Perhaps I'm maybe a
little inarticulate.

But I've somehow always
regarded you as--

[nervous laugh]---- you know
what I mean, Miss Totten.

Of course.

Well, it was my
father's dying wish,

and you do make such
an eloquent plea.

But all this seems so useless.

Exactly, it's not
only useless, dull,

unromantic, but unprofitable.

My dear Mr. Setter, bringing
the peoples of the world

closer together through the
universal language of music

can hardly be termed useless,
dull, and unromantic.

Our work is anything but that.

It's often very exciting.

Oh, fiddlesticks,

Yes, even emotional.

Really?

Yes, Miss Totten.

We-- only the other day, we were
recording a Polynesian chant,

love chant.

West Indian, wasn't it?

Samoan, I believe.

Get to the point.

The point is, Mr. Setter,
the chant was exciting

and it was emotional.

It concerned itself with the
relation of music to courtship.

Courtship?

My dear Frisbee,
if you think that--

There just a
minute, Mr. Setter.

I'm very interested, Professor.

Well, perhaps we can
demonstrate it for Miss Totten.

Yes, let's demonstrate it.

Oh, I don't think that
would be the logical thing.

It's a very good idea.

Oh, please, please do.

I'd love to hear it.

Well, all right,
gentlemen, if you'd--

Yes!

Let's do it.

Now Miss Totten, imagine the
setting in an island courtship.

There's a vacant hut.

The nuptial hut all
bedecked with flowers.

And nearby, a maiden awaits
the arrival of her lover.

Oh, excuse me.

Professor Oddly, you
will be the maiden.

Professor--
Professor Frisbee, I--

Oddly.

Must I, Professor Frisbee?

If you will just stand
over there, Oddly, please.

Now Miss Totten, as
the lover approaches

from the opposite
side of the village,

he is laden down with gifts.

And the beating of
the drums signalizes

the beginning of the courtship.

[drum sounding]

As he comes nearer the
village, his relatives

take up the drumming.

Then he spies the maiden and
calls to her, and she answers.

Professor?

Would you give us the
maiden call, please?

[maiden call sounding]

That's the maiden call.

Now imagine I'm coming
around the corner of the hut.

He spies the maiden.

(SINGING) [non-english speech]

Uh, just one moment, gentlemen.

Oddly, that was quite
adequate for the recording.

But I feel the air of reality
is somewhat strained here.

But Professor Frisbee, I
didn't want to do it anyways.

Oh, I know that, Oddly.

Professor, perhaps I could?

Very well, if you will
just stand here, Miss Totten.

And when I give you
the mating call--

Yes?

--you give it
right back to me.

Now imagine I'm coming around
the corner of the same hut.

[drums sounding]

[SINGING MATING CALL)
[non-english speech]

(singing mating
call off key, voice

cracking) [non-english speech]

(CHORUS SINGING)
[non-english speech]

No.

May I interrupt just one moment?

I'm afraid, Miss
Totten, you'll have

to employ a great
deal more abandon,

both in voice and posture.

Oh, I neglected to tell
you about the posture.

It's the native position,
being somewhat more like this.

And it has a--

yes, that's fine, Miss Totten.

Now imagine I'm coming
around the corner of the hut.

[drums sounding]

(SINGING MATING CALL)
[non-english speech]

(SINGING MATING CALL)
[non-english speech]

Oh, that's fine, Miss Totten.

It's a considerable improvement.

Now more abandon, Miss Totten.

Yes.

Now as the man nears
the maiden, the beat

of the drums intensifies.

The fever of the music has
entered into his blood.

His nostrils are distended
and his eyes are gleamed.

And the singing
goes on like this.

(GRUNTING) Yeah!
Oh!

Oh!
Oh!

Yeah!
Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

[speaking] Oh, dear,
I'm sorry, Miss Totten.

I'm merely assuming
the role of the lover

and you, the role of the maiden.

I-- oh, this call is
the lovers' greeting.

And it is accomplished by
the diaphramatic pressure

so necessary to the primitive
sound in this fashion.

[grunting] Would you try
that, Miss Totten, please?

[grunting]

Oh, that's very
good, Miss Totten.

You seem to have caught
the spirit quite well.

Now would you try
that once with me?

[drumming and grunting]

(SINGING MATING CALL)
[non-english speech]

[grunting]

[speaking] Uh, that's
fine, Miss Totten.

Miss Totten?

I don't like to
interrupt, Miss Totten.

[stumbling to find words]

Miss Totten?

I don't like to interrupt.

But you've caught the spirit
extremely well, Miss Totten.

Now from this point
on, the dance just

continues until the lover
takes the maiden in his arms

and carries her away.

But I don't think there's any
point in demonstrating that.

It was wonderful,
simply wonderful!

Miss Totten, I thought
you had decided--

I liked it.

I liked it!

Oh, professor, the work at
the foundation must continue.

I'll see to that.

Miss Totten, you forgot your--

Oh, thank you.

--bag.

Oh, goodbye, professor.

And thank you!

I enjoyed every second of it.

[grunts]

Miss Totten, you know that
your previous intention--

[grunting]

Most amazing performance.

We are very much
indebted to you, Frisbee.

I don't know, Jim.

And I don't know--

I don't know
whether our behavior

was in keeping with the
seriousness of our work.

- Oh, well--
- Oh.

However, I do feel our
actions were justified.

We beg your pardon, gentlemen.

Yes, indeed.

We-- we hope you don't mind.

We came through the window.

Who are you?

We're the window washers.

Oh!

What is it you want?

Well, you gentlemen are
long hairs, aren't you?

Well, I hadn't noticed.

I don't know that
it's particularly long.

This place got some
connection with music, ain't it?

Well, there's some.

Some.

Well, we've been watching on the
other side for a couple of days

and listening to you.

We figured maybe
you could help us out.

In what way?

With this quiz
program on the radio.

What is it?

It's a musical quiz.

It has questions and
answers, and you've

got to play the tune.

Maybe we should
have got a radio.

Well, just what
is your trouble?

I can play the answers
if I know the answers.

But he can't play them
if he don't know them.

That's logical.

Have you got the
questions with you?

He's got 'em.

Yes.

Here it is, right here.

Question-- first
question is number one.

And it says.

"What eminent contro-- contra--"

What eminent
contrapuntalist literally gave

his name to a musical work?

Oh.

That is obvious.

Oh, yeah, that would
be my department--

Johann Sebastian Bach.

- Pleased to meet you.
- How do you do?

How are you, Mr. Bach.

How are you doing, Mr. Bach?

I'm not Mr. Bach!

Mr. Bach was born in Eisenach
in Germany in the year 1750

and died in 1685.

Are you sure about that, Mister?

Yes, I'm sure he died.

They buried him on
account of that, you see.

Well, the way you got it,
he didn't even get born.

Oh, well, maybe I'm wrong.

He was born in 1685
and died in 1750.

Mr. Bach wrote beautiful
music, beautiful music.

He makes good beer, too.

That's right?

I didn't know that yet.

The conversation referred
to is a fugue written

by Mr. Bach with the
letters of his name,

B flat, A, C, and B natural.

B, A, C, B--

Bach?

Doesn't sound right, does it?

I'm asking you!

The Germans, of course, use
the letter H for our B natural,

meaning B-flat when they say B.

Oh, Mister, I don't
need all of that.

He just needs
to know the tune.

You mean just a few
bars for recognition?

That's it.

I'd be very happy
to play it for you.

[piano playing]

There you are.

Is that all there is to it?

That's all there is,
just the four notes.

Well, I'm going to lay
some stuff in my left hand

and the bass, there.

When I give you the
nod with my head,

you give me them
four notes up there.

Very good.

[playing blues piano]

Most unusual.

It's amazing.

A very remarkable construction
in the bass pattern.

You think so?

I'd like to hear more of it.

Well, I can't do
much with this Bob guy.

No, he's too square.

Maybe the next cat's
got a little more beat.

Who's got the next question?

He's got it over there.

Frisbee?

The second question, please.

Hm?

Oh, I-- yes, right here.

"What bit of African
terpsichore came from the pen

of a Norwegian composer?"

That would be you.

That is easy.

That would be Anitra's Dance.

You know the melody, Magenbruch.

Yes, I know it.

"Anitra's Dance" is from
Grieg's incidental music

for Ibsen's "Peer Gynt."

Would you like to play
it for us, Magenbruch?

[playing "anitra's dance"]

[several men hum along]

Lovely melody.

Oh, I heard that before.

Will you play it
again, fellows, please?

It will be very
interesting to note what

he accomplishes with this one.

Yeah, that's right.

I think I got it.

Now play it once more for me.

["ANITRA'S DANCE" MELODY OVER
PIANO JAZZ]

[piano gradually accelerates]

[CLARINET STOPS, PIANO HAS TAKEN
OVER]

Very good.

Very good.

Wow.

Reminds me of the
"Chaconne ou Passacaille,"

except that the amazing
variations on the melody

depend so much on
their peculiar passing

forms and leading notes.

It is a curious
combination of harmonium--

It moves constantly on
the tonic and subdominant.

I particularly noticed a
double quadruple figuration.

I didn't do all that, did I?

I was just playing
boogie woogie.

- Boogie woogie, what's that?
- What is boogie woogie?

You never heard of that?
Never heard of boogie woogie?

Well, you see, we've been
shut in here for a long time.

Too long.

Has this boogie woogie
been going on for some time?

Man alive.

And are there any other
forms of this new folk

music besides that?

Sure, there's swing,
jive, jump, blues,

two beat Dixie, rebop, and--

Well, what's that?

Lee bop a da boobity,
la da va de dee, rebop?

- Rebop.
- Yeah.

Amazing!

Did you hear that,
Professor Frisbee?

And your book on folk
music is almost finished.

Gentlemen, I'm an
idiot, an absolute idiot!

And I'm terribly
grateful to both of you

for making me aware of it.

Do you realize that since
we've been cooped up here,

music has changed, and
changed considerably.

I've been completely
unaware of this situation.

However, I intend to
rectify it immediately.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I think perhaps the
only solution is--

gentlemen, I'm going out.

Out?

Out-- out into the
world, out of this house,

out to tap the major
sources of this new music.

Oogie boogie?

- Two beat Dixie?
- Jump?

- Jive?
- Swing?

Blues?

Rebop a da boobity
da dip, rebop?

Exactly.

And I should be leaving now.

Oh.

He's going out.

I should like to go, too.

Frisbee, could I go with you?

Why couldn't we all go?

Oh, I don't know.

Yes, Frisbee, why couldn't we?

No, really, please gentlemen.

No, as much as I would love
to have you come along,

it was my oversight.

And you'd be losing
a full day's work.

After all, this is my field.

Just where would
you go, Frisbee?

I'm going out to the
nightclubs, the dance halls--

yes, even the honky tonks.

Well, aren't you frightened?

No.

Goodbye, Alfini.

Goodbye, Frisbee.
- Good luck.

Goodbye.

Good luck to you.

Oh, would you mind leaving
the key under the mat?

I may not be home until
nine this evening.

Uh, goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

I'm worried about
the whole thing.

[street noise]

[whistling]

Uh--

Hi ya, bud.

Hi.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Could you tell me what
time the music starts?

You're pretty early, fella.

The joint don't open for
another couple of hours.

Another couple of--

thank you.

Thank you.

[jazz music playing]

Oh, how do you do?

Mr. eh--
- Mel Powell.

Mel Powell?

How do-- how do you do?

My name is--

Frisbee.

--Frisbee.

And this card is
self-explanatory, Mr. Powell.

We're conducting a
round table of research.

And we'd like very
much for you to attend.

[jazz music playing]

[MUSIC TRANSITIONS TO A NEW
SONG]

(SINGING) --blind man
stood on the way and cried.

The blind man stood on
the way and cried, cried.

Well, old Blind Barnabas
stood on the way.

Blind Barnabas stood on the way.

Well, old Blind Barnabas stood
on the way, blind, oh Lordy,

have mercy on me.

Well, in my God's Bible
in the book of James,

Christ was a healing the
crippled and the lame,

giving the poor and the
needy bread, healing the sick

and raising the dead.

Well they, tell me when
he passed through Galilee,

he passed by a man
that couldn't see.

The man was blind and
crippled from birth.

Tell me that his name
was Blind Barnabas.

When Barnabas heard
that the Lord was nigh,

he fell on his knees
and began to cry.

Crying oh, thou man of
Galilee, great God almighty,

have mercy on me.

[music transitions]

[crowd noise]

[clapping]

Yeah!

[applause]

[car horn sounds]

[jazz music playing]

[applause]

(SINGING) Daddy-o, I'm
going to teach you some blues.

From now on, that's all
you'll be able to use.

Do you hear me, Daddy-o?

I'm going to teach
you some blues.

However you wanted
it, I say your song.

Whenever you wanted
me, I tagged along.

But that lipstick on your shirt
isn't mine, so I'm getting off.

It's the end of the line.

Do you hear me, Daddy-o?

I'm going to teach
you some blues.

(MALE CHORUS
SINGING) He told you

that a woman was his religion.

But I didn't hear him
mention that he meant them all.

(MALE CHORUS SINGING) So
now where you're concerned

he's just a dead pigeon.

Well, I've got to be the
only filly in the stall.

(MALE CHORUS SINGING)
You've got a lot of fish

a-waiting round to nibble.

And your baby's got a mind
that they can't overload.

(MALE CHORUS SINGING) So baby,
ooh, you're hardly in the mood

to quibble.

Uh huh, he'll make me very
happy if he'll hit the road.

You gave me the run
around and that was wrong.

You wanted to run
around, so run along.

If we never meet
again, it's too soon.

And I'll make a bet you'll
be changing your tune.

Do you hear me, Daddy-o?

I'm going to teach
you some blues.

However you wanted
it, I sang your song.

Whenever you wanted
me, I tagged along.

But that lipstick on your shirt
isn't mine, so I'm getting off.

It's the end of the line.

Do you hear me, Daddy-o?

I'm going to teach
you some blues.

I'll teach you.

I'll teach you.

I'll teach you.

I'm going to teach
you some blues.

[applause]

Come on, quick!

Quick is right!

What's the fever?

Miss, we'd better
take it on the lam.

They're looking for you!

Wait a minute.

Who's looking for me?

The district attorney.

Why?

You got to get dressed and
get out of here before they

slap a subpoenee on you.
- A subpoena?

Shh!
Come on.

We'll talk about in
in the dressing room.

Why can't you tell me here?

Now what is all this
subpoena business?

It's on account of Tony?

- What happened to him?
- Nothing.

But something
happened to Ernie Hart.

Ernie Hart?

Oh, I told Tony not
to monkey with him.

Well, he won't anymore.

The funeral's tomorrow.

But Tony didn't have nothing
to do with it, did he, Monty?

Oh, no!

Tony's as innocent
as the new-mown hay.

Who said Tony had
anything to do with it?

He was framed, honey.

Hones, he was.

The DA's trying to pin it
on him just because they

found that ring near the body.

What ring?

That ring you gave
Tony for his birthday.

Yeah, it was a little too
big for him, remember?

Well, it slipped off, and
Tony lost it someplace.

That's why you got to beat
it, and stay under cover.

What for?

What's it got to do with me?

Well, right now, they can't
prove that ring was Tony's.

But when the DA finds
out you bought it,

and everybody knows
about you and Tony,

well, it'd look
awful bad for him.

You're what they call
a maternal witness.

Tony mixed up in a murder.

I don't believe it.

Well, we've got to get
you out of here before they

slap a subponee on you.

[knocking on door]

Who is it?

Uh, I'd like to have a
few words with you in regard

to an investigation
I'm conducting.

Uh, just a minute.

Let him in.

We'll handle him.

Yeah?

How do you do, Miss Swanson.

Hello.

I hate to intrude like
this, but this inquiry

is really very important.

Get this.

I don't know from nothing.

Oh, but I'm sure you do.

You could probably help
me more than anyone.

All I would like is a
little of your time,

say an hour or so a day.

Say, are you a
cop, or aren't you?

A-- a cop?

No, I'm not a cop.

Well, then what
are you selling?

Selling?

Nothing.

I'm from the Totten Foundation.

I don't wear any.

Oh, no, no, I'm Professional
Frisbee at the Totten

Musical Foundation.

Oh.

Well, then what is this
investigation, professor?

Oh, well, it concerns
itself with modern jazz and

other forms of popular music.

I'd like you to help me.

Would you mind?

Yes, I would.

Bye.

Well, in case you change
your mind, here's my card.

It's--
- OK, yeah.

It's the address of the
foundation and also my--

- Goodbye!
- --address.

- Goodbye!
- I--

[door slams]

Honey Swanson?

What do you want?

Oh.

Just put the coat on.

We'll get out the window.

Right in there.

[knocking on door]

Open up.

District attorney's office.

[rattles door knob]

[banging]

Where to?

Just keep cruising, Jack.

Where are we going?

Well, how about that
warehouse on West 11th?

No, too many rats.

Say-- wait a minute.

Where are you taking me?

We can't take
you to your place.

They'll have it covered.

But you live
someplace, don't you?

Yeah, sure.

And the cops know where.

I thought of a
hotel, but they'll

fan every hotel in town.

I could change my name.

Listen, honey, why take chances?

It's an awful nice warehouse.

He says rats.

Well, maybe a few, little
bitty mice or something--

Uh uh.

That's out.

Say, I got an uncle
who's an undertaker.

And with business the
way it is, he's always

bound to have an extra slab.

That's fine.

That's all I need.

Ah, no.

Keep thinking.

[street noise in background]

Hey, what's this?

Totten Foundation--
Hobart Frisbee.

Oh, that's that professor jerk.

He must have-- uh, oh.

Hm.

I never would
have believed it.

It seems impossible.

Have I missed anything?

No, Oddly.

I was just explaining.

And I repeat, gentlemen--

I actually heard Rimsky-Korsakov
played on a washboard.

A washboard?

A bicycle pump.

Bicycle pump?

Plunger of some sort
and pots and pans.

Heaven only knows what else.

You can't make music
out of pots and pans.

You sure you had nothing
to drink but buttermilk?

Oh, I'm quite sure.

What else was there?

Please, tell us.

I heard remarkable
music-- strange rhythms.

I talked to people.

What kind of people?

All sorts of people--

musicians, singers--

- Chorus girls?
- All sorts.

Prima donna?

And did you go backstage?

- Yes, yes.
- Backstage?

I had one conversation
with a young girl

in her dressing room.
- Dressing room!

But unfortunately, she wasn't
interested in our project.

Blond or brunette?

Oh, I don't remember, Oddly.

I didn't notice.

I once went backstage
to see Pavlova.

Imagine, ballerinas
and all that.

In tights, I suppose.

Naturally, in tights.

That inevitable
smell of rice powder.

On bare shoulders.

[clears throat] It's
getting late, gentlemen.

Perhaps we should go to bed.

Oh, I'd like to
have heard a lot more.

Oh, me, too.

Oh, Frisbee.

Yes?

Frisbee, in your
travels this evening,

did you encounter
any music where

the melodic figure
in straight eights

is changed to one of
Umpateedle character?

What's that?

Umpateedle.

What are you reading
here, Magenbruch?

Well, that's one of the books
I procured this afternoon.

"Jazz- Hot and Hybrid."

That's very interesting.

I should like to read it
after you get through with it.

I particularly like the
chapter on hot rhythm.

Holds a strange
fascination for me.

I can understand
that, but I wouldn't

allow myself to neglect
the Palestrina research.

[doorbell ringing]
- Hold on.

[doorbell ringing]

Why, that's our doorbell.

At three o'clock
in the morning?

Oh, that will be the revisions
on Stravinsky's new ballet.

I asked them to be sent
by air mail special.

I'll get it.

[lock rattling]

Oh!

Hi ya, professor.

Hi.

Am I late for school?

Hm?

Oh, my goodness.

Well.

Are those kids in my class?

Oh, no.

Those are just my colleagues.

Oh.

I must apologize for
their lack of attire.

Oh, that's all
right, professor.

And for the fact that
I don't have any coat on.

You know, once I watched
my big brother shave.

Oh, you did?

Frankly, your coming here was
the last thing I expected.

Your no was so definite.

Well, I got to
thinking it over.

Music has done a lot for me,
and well, here was a chance

to do something for music.

Well, then I take it
you've reconsidered.

Yep, you talked me
into it, professor.

Oh, my goodness!

What was that?

Oh, that was Professor Oddly.

Any more of them around?

I hope not.

Boy, this place sure
is loaded with antiques--

present company accepted.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

May I have your coat?

Yeah, thanks.

[gasps] Oh.

Oh, Mozart!

Say I've got a copy like
this with a radio inside.

Are you sure you
don't want your coat?

No, I'm fine.

Except I've got a
run in this stocking.

Well, when do we
start, Professor?

What's your method?

Oh, it's quite simple, really.

If you'll be here no later
than 9:30 tomorrow morning--

Tomorrow morning?

Yes.
Yes.

We've arranged a
roundtable discussion

with a group of people of
various musical backgrounds--

You don't think we could
sort of begin right now?

Begin-- well, Miss
Honey, it's past 3 o'clock.

Oh, pooh, Professor.

Let's get ourselves
a couple of drinks.

You light the fire
maybe, and you could

start working on me right away

Oh, I wouldn't dream
of imposing at this hour.

Listen, I figured
on working all night.

Oh, you-- well, any random
discussion would prove of no

scientific value whatsoever.

You see, I must have my
notes thoroughly prepared

for tomorrow morning's seminar.

OK.

Where do I sleep?

I beg your pardon?

Where do I sleep?

I don't know where
do you usually sleep?

Well, usually in
Brooklyn, but tonight,

I'm going to sleep here.

Oh-- [stuttering] uh-- right--
uh [stuttering] oh, here?

Why not?

Well, I mean,
we're all bachelors

here, Miss Honey, except
maybe Professor Oddly and--

Oh, Professor!

--he was a widower.

But there's a sleep here--

oh, no, there'd be-- see--

no woman has ever-- even
Miss Bragg, our housekeeper,

goes home every night at 7:30.

Listen, if you want me here
tomorrow morning at 9:30--

Yes, I do, Miss Honey.

I definitely do.

But even the most free-thinking
people will have to respect--

Now wait a minute!

Feel that.

Go on, feel that foot.

Heh.

Now what have you got to say?

Uh, it's cold.

Mhm.

It's cold, and it's wet.

Now come here.

Come here!

Closer.

Hi ya, kids.
- Hi.

- How you doing?
- How do you do?

Now look down my throat.

Oh, come on.

What do you see, huh?

I don't know what to look for.

Well, there's
a slight rosiness

is in the laryngeal region.

There!

You see, he knows.

Who are you?
- Me?

I'm--

Oh, this is Professor Twinkle
and Professor Gerkikoff,

Dr. Elfini.

Oh, wait a
minute-- not so fast.

I'll get to know them.

Come in, Twinkie.

I think I've got a fever.
Feel.

Oh, yeah.
She definitely has.

Oh, yes.
- Certainly.

And he wants to put me out.

Oh no.

Frisbee, that is unkind.

You know, it's been raining
and the streets are still wet.

There'll be no 9:30 for me
if he puts me out in that.

Oh.

But you don't understand--

And the street's cold and the
subway's hot and full of germs.

Oh, and I'm a pushover
for streptococcus.

Oh.

Could I have this, kid?

Oh, excuse me.

Really I don't
understand you, Frisbee.

Why take chances?

With such valuable material!

Think of your work,
Professor Frisbee.

I am thinking of my work.

You see, they get the point.

I get the point, too.

What I'm trying to
desperately to explain--

May I make a suggestion here?

Why not let the young
lady sleep in my room?

What?

Well.

I often bunk with Dr. Elfini
during an electrical storm.

Ha ha.

He's afraid of thunder.

Yeah.

Well, then it's all settled.

I guess I'll turn in.

Oh, well--

Could I have my coat?

Couldn't you
possibly reconsider?

I--

This way, please.

I'll show you to my room.

Yes, we all will.

Oh, no.

I know where my own room is
without help from anyone.

Well, now, why
couldn't we all--

Gentlemen, please.

Don't bother.

I'll find it.

Just rough out the directions.

Top of the stairs,
first door to the right.

Could I have my coat?

Oh, yes.

Thank you.

Heidi-ho.

Heidi-ho.

Just one moment, please?

Gentlemen, this is
all highly irregular.

Suppose this came to the
attention of the Foundation

And what about Miss
Brag in the morning?

What are you talking about?

This is research, isn't it?

Is it?

Sure, and I'm the guinea pig.

A specimen under
the microscope.

Wonderful thing, research.

It is the
searchlight of truth.

Without research people would
still think the Earth was flat.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

And they'd still look upon
a tomato as a poisonous fruit.

There, you see?

And I want you to look
at me, Professor Frisbee,

as another tomato.

What?

Just another tomato.

That shall be sufficient
to the balance, gentlemen.

Shall we record it now?
- Sure.

By all means.

Yes, even Beethoven seems
nice and gay this morning.

Gentlemen, before you start,
I should like to talk to you.

May I ask what all your trousers
are doing in my kitchen?

Well, I wanted mine pressed.

That accounts for one pair.

So did I.

And I.

All six pairs at once.

What's going on in
this house anyway?

No constitutional this
morning, you scarcely touched

your breakfast, and
Professor Frisbee,

this suitcase just came for you.

For me?

The man who left it,
strange looking character,

said you'd understand.

He left a message, he said--
- Understand?

I don't understand at all.

Well, why don't you
open it up, Frisbee?

Well.

You say he left a message?

Oh.

Well.

What we're saying about
the message, Miss Bragg?

I'm waiting for
you to explain.

- Explain what?
- That.

He's--

Oh--

He's taken on an assistant.

Very charming.

Hi, kids.

Good morning.

Morning.

Say, where can I
get a cup of coffee?

Hi.
How are you?

Oh, Miss Honey, may I present
Miss Bragg, our housekeeper.

Hi.

This must be your
apron I'm wearing?

Oh, this suitcase came
for you with a message.

Yeah, what message?

I don't know.

The message was it's
getting hotter and hotter,

and stay in the icebox
like a good little salad.

Salad, huh?

What could that mean?

Oh, what time is your
clam bake, Professor?

Oh, my clambake is at--

we start at 9:30 in the morning,
and please try not to be late.

Give me a little help with
this suitcase, and I won't be.

Glad to.

See you later, kids.

Well.

Oh.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Please, continue without
me for a while, gentlemen.

Now, to get back to the
subject under discussion.

If we can classify the
various forms of jazz

along with a series
of cross-references,

and make a record of the
history of this type of music,

I believe the work will be
invaluable to the foundation.

Don't you agree, gentlemen?

Yes.

That's good.

Now that we're all
agreed, in the vernacular

I heard last night, let's start
on the downbeat and take off.

Is that the correct
way of phrasing it?

That's a good deal.

Yes.

Well, I believe in
order to start--

Gentlemen, we've accomplished
a lot in the last three days,

and we have many
valuable records.

Now before we start on
the history of jazz,

someone mentioned yesterday
a small combo doing

jump with a head arrangement.

I believe it was Mr.--

Tommy Dorsey.

Jimmy's brother.

Oh, yes, I'm sorry.

You spoke of--

It wasn't me, Professor.

That's not my type.

It could have been
Mel, Pyle, or Ham.

Yeah, they're
experts at that jive.

Well, then perhaps you
gentlemen could help me?

Oh, sure, Mel and I used
to play a lot of that stuff

for Benny Goodman.

Oh, is that so?

Well, could you play an
example of the type of music?

Oh, we'd we be
glad to, but Joe,

our clarinetist couldn't come.

Oh, that's too bad.

Can anyone here
blow a clarinet?

Well, that's quite simple.

Our Professor Magenbruch
plays the clarinet.

Oh, is he a professor?

I hardly think--

Oh, he'd apt to be
a little too square.

He's quite proficient,
I assure you.

If you'll just get ready,
I'll go and fetch him.

Gentlemen?

Sh.

Gentlemen, I don't
wish to interrupt,

but we seem to need a
clarinet to illustrate

a new form of music.

Certainly.

Thank you very much.

No, Magenbruch, we
need you with it.

You mean to play jazz?

Yes.

It's very likely you might be
able to play your Umpateedle.

Oh, then, I'd better
take my book along with me.

Good, then we'll all go along.

I think not, gentlemen.

Perhaps you'd better
continue with your work?

Oh, I wish we could go too.

This is our Professor
Magenbruch, gentlemen.

Hello.

I see you have
everything ready.

Is this the music here?

No, we don't use any music.

We haven't got anything
written down, Professor.

Well, we can't play
it without music.

Well, Benny Goodman used to.

Benny Goodman, I never--

Frisbee, did you
ever hear of him?

No.
No, I haven't.

Perhaps there's something in
this book that might help you?

Oh, yes.

Just sit down, Professor,
and if you feel like it,

you can join in.

Thank you.

Mel, let's steal some apples.

[music playing]

That's fine, Professor.

Now anything we
do, just follow up.

[music playing]

Young lady?

Young lady?

Come with me, please?

Young lady, there are
a couple of gentlemen,

I use the word loosely,
who would like to see you.

They're in the garden
right through that door.

Thanks, Cookie.

Well, it's about time.

I thought you two had amnesia
and forgot where you parked me.

We had trouble getting here.

DA's got hundred
men looking for you.

You're hotter
than a firecracker.

Squeezing this
town through a sieve.

Well, OK, you wait here.

I'll get my things.
- Now, wait a minute.

You're not leaving.

Not now.

Where's Tony?

He's on his way to Jersey.

He'll call you from there.

That's part of
the big surprise.

I don't like surprises.

Oh, you'll like this one.

Flash it on her.
Go on.

Put on your sunglasses.

Oh, boy.

Seven grand boiled
into that one.

Oh, well, Tony doesn't have
to bribe me just because I

do him a little favor.

I'd like to see him
try and get it back.

It's a little big.

Third finger, left hand.

Say, who do you
think you're kidding?

The future Mrs. Tony Crow.

What?

Tony's finally decided
to use that license

you took out last June.

Well, it's about time.

It was his mouthpieces ID.

A wife can't testify
against her husband, see?

Oh.

Don't put it
that way, you dope.

Say, he's been crazy
about you since you met.

Yeah, but it took the DA
to make him pop the question.

He's really got
a big crush on you.

Oh, sure.

Only the other
day, he said to me,

I get a bigger bang out of
that Honey than anything

I've ever known.

You don't know
how lucky you are.

Oh, don't I though?

Mrs. Tony Crow.

Diamonds and ermine and
a house in Westchester.

The wedding's got
to be a fast one.

Now, lay low and stick
close by the phone.

We'll call you tomorrow morning.

Yeah, the ride
will be waiting.

Hey, here's the paper.

It's got the whole story.

Read it in your
room, Mrs. Crow.

Oh, fine.

Gentlemen, if I may
have just one moment.

Gentlemen, if you please.

I think we're just
about ready to record.

The Top Musical Encyclopedia
recording number

684J, illustrating chapters
22 to 29 in Volume 11,

the history of jazz.

From Africa, came the first
musical instrument, a drum.

The hollow trunk of a
tree or a taut animal hide

supplied the rhythm or beat.

To the basic rhythm was
added a human voice.

Next, the first wind instrument,
the shepherd's flute.

The basic beat of the tom tom,
and the same thematic strain

of the chat that was
carried across oceans

and contained an early Spanish
music after the invention

of the guitar.

Spread to countries, which
shared the Spanish language.

Cuba, West Indies,
and South America

where the rhythm or beat assumed
a new form of expression.

The ever winding cycle
finally reached the shores

of southern United States where
the beat was momentarily lost,

but the melody was woven
into pure Negro spirit.

(SINGING) Mockingbird sang
at morn and her song was warm.

Mockingbird sang at morn
and her song was warm.

Then the beat returned.

(SINGING) Well,
the mockingbird,

mockingbird, mockingbird,
oh, mockingbird.

The Lord looked down and he
gave the Word and the angels

put the song in the mockingbird.

When man was born, he liked what
he heard, and sang to the Lord

with the mockingbird.

Singing, Lord, hear me.

Well, he sang to the Lord
with the mockingbird.

Praise be and the good Lord,
liked everything he heard.

They took the tune and the Word
right from the mockingbird.

That's how a song was born.

And then the soft
evening breeze hummed

through the willow trees.

That's how a song was born.

The tingling rain from
the sky became a lullaby,

and the blues must
have come from a sigh.

And went two hearts beat in
time, bluebells began to chime.

That's how a song was born.

They took a beat,
and made it reet.

They took a beat and brought
it down to Basil Street.

Now we got it jumping.

Satchmo, get on that horn.

Let's hear, let's hear,
let's hear how jazz was born.

1, 2, 3, 4.

(SINGING) They took
a real jungle beat,

brought it to Basil Street,
and that's how jazz was born.

And then some one played a
whale all up and down the scale,

and that's how jazz was born.

They simply played what they
liked, as long as it would fit.

If it just had a
beat, that was it.

And when a horn gave a
scream, it took it as a theme,

and that's how jazz was born.

[music playing]

Hiya, kids.

The expert is here.

We need you.

What's the trouble?

We've been listening to the
music from across the hall.

It's been very nice.

They've been
having jam sessions.

A jam session.

Sounds like a lot of fun.

- We'd like to try it.
- Why don't you?

We don't know how to begin.

They don't seem to have
any kind of set form.

Well, you're right there.

That's exactly what
a jam session is.

The first thing you want to
do is let a to little light

in here.

OK, kids, now all kind of gather
around, we'll get into it.

A jam session is taking
a little tune you all now

and doing things with it.

Doing things?

Sort of kicking it around.

Well, what music do you know?

- You mean jump?
- A few jives.

Swing.

Blues.

Reboppity boobity debap.

Rebop.

Oh, hello.
How are you?

Miss Honey, these are
two good friends of ours.

We're the window washers.

- He's Buck.
- And he's Bubbles.

Hi.

We're about to have
a little jam session.

Would you care to join us?

We sure would.

OK, let's get back.

Now, where were we?

We were talking about jump.

- Jives.
- Swing.

Well then, you
kids know all that.

No, we don't know any
of that kind of music.

They taught us those words.

Well, that makes
it kind of tough.

Now, what do you know?

Well, we know Beethoven.

- Bizet.
- Wagner.

Brahms.

Don't you know anything
lighter than that?

Symphonies.

- Concertos.
- Operas.

- Operas?
- Oh, yeah.

We know all of them.

This will be a new kind of
jam session, a long haired one.

Can you sing?

We don't know the
words to the operas.

Oh, any words will do.

You got a newspaper or a
timetable or something?

I'm sure he's got something.

What have you
got there, Bubbles?

Oh, this is fine.

But we've got to do
a little rehearsing.

Now, this is what
I want you to do.

You're to sing the words
from the piece I give you.

Here's yours.

Here's yours.

Just sing whatever you read.

Tartan Musical Encyclopedia,
long haired jam session.

Already, kids?
- Sure am.

Yes.

All right.

OK, let's go.

Now, watch it.

[music playing]

(SINGING) Daily
racing form selections,

post positions and the odds.

Whether raining and it's muddy
and the track is very slow.

I think I like Sad Sack.

It says he worked the
mile in 1:57 flat.

(SINGING) Too
bad he scratched.

(SINGING) Oh why did poor
old Sad Sack have to go--

(SINGING) Why did poor old
Sad Sack, why did poor old Sad

Sack have to go and scratch?

They're off.

Giddy up.
Giddy up.

Giddy up.
Giddy up.

Giddy up.
Giddy up.

Giddy up, yup, yup.

(SINGING) Who's
ahead, who's ahead?

(SINGING)
Gallorett's in front.

(SINGING) By a nose, by
a leg, by half a length.

(SINGING) Man O' War's
at the clubhouse turn.

(SINGING) Flying Schmo's last.

(SINGING) 40 lengths behind.

(SINGING) Run, run, run, run.

Go, go, go, go.

Run, run, Honeymoon.

We're nearly in the backstretch.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Same time tomorrow?

See you tomorrow.

OK, professor.

Nice going, Magenbruch.

MAN: That was swell, Mag.

MAN #2: OK, Fris.

MISS BRAGG: Just listen to that.

Professor Frisbee, either
that woman leaves this house,

or I do.

Are you speaking
of Miss Honey?

I am.

Ever since that woman
crossed this threshold,

a prairie fire of
orgiastic events

has swept through this house.

[playing "the anvil chorus"]

[music crescendoes]

[cymbals crash]

[all laughing, shouting]

Frisbee!

Are you hurt?

No, it merely startled me.

Must have fallen
from that shelf.

Yes.

I'll put it back.

It was probably
sympathetic vibration

that caused it to fall.

Oh, resonance can be
a very powerful thing.

That has been proved.

That's true.

Seven trumpets tumbled
down the walls of Jericho.

Russo shattered a wine
glass by merely singing at it.

True.

That's all very
interesting, gentlemen,

but our whole project
seems to be suffering

from some sort of vibration.

(TOGETHER) What do you mean?

I'd like to talk
to Miss Honey alone.

But we were--

If you don't mind.

Now, Miss Honey, would you,
uh, take this chair, please?

That particular chair?

Yes.

If you don't mind.

OK.

Would you open your mouth?

A little wider?

Thank you.

Can I close it now?

Oh, please do.

Miss Honey--

Yeah?

Circumstances under
which-- that is, over which--

none of us has the least
control forced me to a step

I am most reluctant to take.

The sky is perfectly clear,
the thermometer is at 76,

your throat appears
quite normal.

I'm afraid I must
ask you to leave.

Leave here?

Why?

I want you to look
at this project--

this history of
music-- as a voyage.

A long, hard, tedious voyage.

And when the foundation
first launched its vessel,

it wisely followed an
old rule of the sea--

no women aboard.

Consequently, they chose
a crew of single men,

with nothing to distract
them from the course

they were about to sail.

Say, junior-- you couldn't
stop walking up and down, here?

For the last four
days, Miss Honey,

we have been doing
nothing but just drifting.

The needle of the
compass no longer

points to the magnetic pole.

It points, if I may
say so, to your ankles.

Oh, come now, Admiral--
a bunch of grown men.

They've all seen a
pair of ankles before.

Not in nine
years, they haven't.

Except for the
singularly uninspired

underpinnings of miss Bragg.

Well, then, if you
think I'm bothering them,

I'll sit on my legs.

And I'll do it in my
room, or in the kitchen.

It's too late.

You must leave now.

But I can't leave now.

What about your work?

It isn't even finished.

There are a lot of things
we haven't even touched on.

Oh, make no
mistake, Miss Honey.

I shall regret deeply the
absence of your keen mind.

But unfortunately, it's
inseparable from an extremely

disturbing body.

[whistles] All right, I'll go.

Only don't shove.

I'll leave some time tomorrow.
- No.

Not tomorrow.
Right away.

But I tell you, I can't--

I insist.

Old Crabapple Annie.

Listen, Frisbee--

"Crabapple Annie?"

Why, that implies that I'm
puritanical and narrow-minded.

- Yeah.
- Well, I'm not.

I'm a perfectly normal man,
with perfectly normal instincts.

And an awful
high boiling point.

Not even that.

I, too, have been acutely
aware of your presence.

But--
- You have?

--fortunately, I'm strong
enough to be able to resist

its demoralizing effects.

Oh, really?

I admit-- at times,
it was quite a struggle.

But--

Like when?

Well, twice, to be exact.

The first time, when you leaned
over my shoulder to explain

the meaning of the word "riff."

And the second time?

I'm not finished
with the first time.

You leaned over my shoulder, and
I felt your breath on my ear.

And?

And the second time, you were
standing up against the window

with the sunlight in your hair.

But you didn't do
anything about it?

Yes, I did.

I left the room.

I went upstairs, dipped my
handkerchief into cold water,

and put it on the
back of my neck--

right here, where
the nerve center is.

Oh, you're cute.

Just a little sunlight
in my hair, and you

had to water your neck.

Well, perhaps I shouldn't
have mentioned it.

But I'm trying to explain
that the whole success

of the project depends on--

on this-- I want you to coop--

cooperate.

I'd-- I'd like you to
(VOICE CRACKS) leave.

[clears throat] Leave.

Do really mean that?

Yes, I (VOICE CRACKS) do.

I do.

[clears throat]

Well, as long as I'm leaving
anyway, I may as well spill it.

Spill it?

Spill what?

Why do you think I came
here in the first place?

Well, I imagine to
help me in my research.

No.
I came on account of you.

On account of me?

Yeah.

Of all the men I've
ever met, I had

to fall for a strong,
silent man of distinction.

Distinction?

A man of unbending will power.

A man who could
just flip me away

like an old cigarette butt.

Oh, now, don't let it
upset you, Miss Honey.

But it does upset me.

Unfortunately, I don't
happen to be strong.

I can't steel
myself against you.

Against me?

Yeah.

You.

Maybe it sounds crazy,
but to me, you're a--

a regular yum-yum type.

A (STUTTERS) yum-yum?

Yeah.

You know what that means?
- No.

We-- we haven't
gotten to that, yet.

We've got to it now.

And I'm glad it's out.

Oh, I don't give a hoop
if the others went for me.

It's you I'm wacky about.

Just plain wacky.

Can you understand that?

Please, Miss Honey--

Oh, "please" nothing.

Maybe you can generate,
or whatever it is,

for all that
suppressed business.

But I can't.

Come here.

Oh-- you're so tall.

What are you doing?

You'll find out.

That's an extremely
valuable reference book.

And that's just too bad.

Just perfect.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to show
you what "yum-yum" is.

Hm?

Here's yum.

And here's the other yum.

[womanly sigh]

And here's yum-yum.

Pardon me.

Hey!

Where are you going?

Did you see?

He almost stepped on my hand!

Three steps at a time!

- Shot out of a gun.
- Why?

I don't know.

To get a razor strap, I hope.

And I hope he knows
where to apply it.

[door closes]

MISS BRAGG: Well,
Professor Frisbee?

Oh-- yes, Miss Bragg.

Would, uh-- would someone call
a taxi cab for Miss Honey,

please?

Of course.

Right away.

Huh!

A fine business.

I beg your pardon?

What's the big idea,
running out on me like that?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing.

I have been thinking,
Miss Honey, and--

well, the last few minutes have
confirmed my former decision.

Your further presence
here would be fatal.

You must get me
out of your mind,

just as I must get
you out of this house.

Your hair's wet.

Well-- never mind, please.

Well, it is wet.

Well, what of it?

Nothing.

I just happened to notice it.

Well, forget it.
Please.

OK.

OK.

But it is wet.

Now, to get back to the
subject under discussion--

it would be idle for
me to deny that I, too,

feel very strongly
this affinity that you

spoke about a few minutes ago.

But after three years,
when my work is finished,

perhaps we can take
up where we left off.

[breathing heavily]
In the meantime,

I hope that we may continue with
some sort of correspondence.

Would you, Miss Honey?

Oh, Frizzy.

I know.

That's the way I feel, too.

But it has to be.

Just one more thing
before you go, Miss Honey.

I will probably be a long
time, and I thought perhaps--

well, that is--

I, uh-- would you "yum"
me, just once more?

It seems so unnecessary.

(ALL) Yes.

MISS BRAGG: Well,
I think it's very--

Taxi is here.

I'll tell him.

Professor Frisbee!

The taxi for that
young woman is here.

Professor Frisbee!

The taxi!

The taxi!

(WOOZY VOICE) Yes?

What is it?

The taxi is here.

Taxi?

[giggles] What taxi?

Miss Swanson's, or mine.

It's all yours,
Crabapple Annie.

Get some coffee.

Yes-- some coffee.

Now, you just sit down, and
we'll get you something to eat.

Miss Bragg kept
something warm.

Just sit down, here.

Here's your coffee, Frisbee.

Where have you been, Frisbee?

Yeah.

It's almost 4 o'clock
in the morning.

What happened to you?

Hm?

[high-pitched giggle]

Come on.

Drink your coffee.

Yes.

Here's the sugar.

Sugar, Frisbee.

No, that's salt!

No!

Oh, get another cup of coffee.

Now, Frisbee, you
left before dinner.

Where have you been?

Hm?

[giggling]

Not on the cake!

That's mustard!

Here's some more coffee.

Now, Frisbee, won't you please
tell us where you've been?

Oh, wait a minute.

What the--

No!

[giggles]

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

Frisbee.

Frisbee, please.

Have some toast.

Please tell us--

what's the matter?

Please, Frisbee-- Frisbee!

What is the matter?

What's the matter?

I'm in love, that's
what's the matter.

I'm in love.

I'm going upstairs to
propose to her, right now.

Frisbee--

Oh, thank you,
gentlemen, for the food.

It was delicious.

Frisbee--

Well, good night.

[crashing, tumbling]

Frisbee!

Package for Frisbee.

Oh, well, that's me.
Thank you very much.

Sign here.

What was the delay, young man?

Just sign there.

I trust the
engraving is all right?

I guess so.

Thank you.

Oh-- just a moment.

Here you are.

Thanks.

You're quite welcome.

(STUTTERING) Are you sure
it's a real diamond, Frisbee?

Oh, I'm certain that it is.

The ring cost me $83.95--

which didn't include the $2
for the engraving charge.

Let's see, Frisbee!

I'm trying to open it.

Oh, here.

You do it.

Yes, sir.

[all sigh]

There it is.

DR. ELFINI: Lovely.

Lovely.

It isn't very big, is it?

But it is in
extremely good taste.

Lovely.
Lovely.

Frisbee, as a
man of experience,

I assure you that I like it.

Thank you, very much.

Here's the breakfast you
ordered, Professor Frisbee.

Oh-- thank you, Miss Bragg.

Room service!

Now it's room service!

Elfini, would you please
put the ring under the toast?

Why, certainly.

Thank you.

Well-- goodbye.

Good luck.

Don't take "no" for
an answer, Frisbee.

Be careful!

If I were the cream for that
woman's coffee, I'd curdle.

Miss Bragg, I thought
you were leaving us.

A nurse doesn't
desert her post when

an epidemic reaches its crisis!

Hm.

[knocking at door]

MISS HONEY: Come in.

Good morning.

Oh-- good morning, Frizzy!

I brought you breakfast.

Good!

I'll have it right here.

Thank you.

How do you take it?

Just jav, no cow.

Just what?

Black.

Oh.

Sugar?
- Mm-mm.

Straight.

Toast?

Mm-mm.

No, thanks.

You sure you don't
want some toast?

Mm-mm.

No toast, eh?

Mm-mm.

Never use it.

Not even a small bite?

Mm-mm.

Sit down.

Take a load off your feet.

Hm.

No toast.

Oh, that's a book I
was reading last night.

I couldn't sleep
last night, either.

I just kept walking and
walking, until the sun

came up over the East 60s.

I had to have time
to gather my thoughts

together, and kind of--

clarify our relationship.

Have we got one of those?

Oh, yes, Miss Honey.

It's very important to me, too.

You see, it's new--

and rather strange.

Up until now, my
life has been like--

well, like-- like an
unorchestrated theme.

Say-- you couldn't talk a
little plainer, could you?

Well, not unless you
have a piece of toast.

Or, at least look
under the lid, anyway.

Aww-- you went and
bought me a present.

I hope it fits.

I went all over town last
night, trying to find

a jewelry store that was open.

Now, isn't that sweet?

It's a lovely ring.

Really, it is, Frizzy.

I'd hoped you'd like it.

It's, uh-- it's our
engagement ring.

Frizzy!

Do you mean that--

Yes, I do.

Do you mean you really--

Well, I-- yes.

What am I supposed to say?

Why, just say "yes."

After what you
told me yesterday--

the way you feel about me--

all you have to do
now is say "yes."

Frizzy-- don't you think
you're being a bit hasty?

I'm just as
surprised as you are.

Marriage.

I always thought I was
married to my music.

I thought the only thing
could stir me was Piatigorsky

on the cello, Heifetz
on the violin, Toscanini

conducting a symphony.

And then-- then you.

You see, I've had rather
a curious background.

I was graduated from
Princeton when I was 13.

When I was a year old, I
could sing "Three Blind Mice."

And before I was
three, I knew that

the major chord on flattened
supertonic was D-flat,

F, and A-flat--

in the key of C, of course.

People like that-- hm.

I don't know.

Dust just piles up
on their hearts.

It kind of took you
to blow it away.

Yeah, but--

I didn't mean to blow
it smack into your eyes.

That's what happened.

Why don't you look
inside the ring?

There's some writing.

Musical notes.
- Yes.

There wasn't enough
room for all the words,

so I used notes, instead.

Notes from the opening phrase
of an aria from the opera

"Paris and Helen."

Quote, "O thou beloved, whom
so long my heart desired,

when will the day e'er be
that my heart thou doth bless

with a softly whispered yes?"

Unquote, I suppose.

I hope you don't
think it's too corny.

Oh, Frizzy, I--

[knocking at door]

Yes?

Come in.

Miss Honey, there's a
telephone call for you.

For me?

Yes.

We hate to interrupt you,
but it is a long-distance call.

The man on the wire said
it was from your "daddy."

"Daddy?"

That's what he said.

Oh!

Oh, my daddy!

Oh, yeah-- I'll
take it right away!

How did it go, Frisbee?

Oh, very well.

She seemed quite overwhelmed.

That was to be
expected, though.

Excuse me, but, uh,
the-- the customary

procedure is to approach the
parents of a young lady first.

Hello?

Hello, Honey.

This is Monte.

The boss wants to talk to you.

Only we're really in the
call, so it won't be traced.

Get me?

Here she is, boss.

Ready?

OK, now, Honey.

Don't use no names, though.

Oh, boy, did you call
at the right minute.

Where are you?

Little one-horse
town in New Jersey.

Rancocas, it's called.

How you been, baby?

Everything under control?

Not anymore.

Things are getting complicated.

No, no-- nothing like that.

It's-- it's just that
one of the kitties

has broken out in a rash.

Yeah.

Slight case of spring fever.

Well, don't let the old boy
run you down in his wheelchair.

Everything's set, baby.

Got a Justice of the
Peace all lined up.

Hm?

That's what we're
trying to figure

out-- how to get you down here.

No.

I don't want you
to take a train.

They'll spot you
like a lead dime.

They'll be watching everything--

Holland Tunnel, George
Washington Bridge, everything.

I don't care if
I have to hitchhike

out of here in a hearse!

I've got to get out of here!

I don't like it!

I want-- oh, well, what
other news is there, daddy?

Everything fine at home?

How's mom's lumbago?

How's whose what?

Home for her birthday?

Well, I don't know, daddy, I--

I won't be long.

Just wait in the
library, please.

If-- if you don't
mind, I'd like to have

a few words with your father.

Oh.

Sure.

Uh, Daddy-- this
is the professor

I was telling you about.

[clears throat]
Hello, Mr. Swanson?

This is Hobart Frisbee.

I gather your daughter has
told you of our intentions?

Say, what is all
this double-talk?

Before asking for her
hand, I realize I should

have asked your permission.

Please, Frizzy.

Are you crazy?

Oh, you're so
right, Mr. Swanson.

I-- I realize this must come
as a great shock to you.

One of these old dotards
has got a yen for Honey.

Well, uh, speak up, son.

What have you got to offer?

Oh, well-- as
character references,

you may call the
head of the Curtis

Institute in Philadelphia, and
the president of Princeton.

That's my university.

Except for occasional trouble
with my, uh, left sinus,

I'm in excellent
physical condition.

How's your digestion, son?

Oh, excellent, sir.

Excellent.

I draw a salary of
$3,200 per year,

and-- boy, it's, uh, not
very large, but we'll watch

our nickels, and--

hm?

Do I what?

Gamble?

Oh, no, sir.

That's fine.

That's fine.

Adams, I think I
got a brain flash.

Son?

What did you say
your first name was?

Hobart?

All right, uh, Hobart.

I don't know whether
Honey told you this,

or not, but she's
our only child.

Well, we hadn't
figured on having

a professor in the family,
but if that's what she wants,

it's OK by us.

Well, I--

I shall do everything in my
power to make her very happy.

Uh, one other thing, Hobart.

You see, we're
not young anymore.

Her mother is an invalid, and
it'd just about break her heart

not to see her Honey married.

You understand?

Oh, of course, Mr. Swanson.

My own mother is dead, but
I realize what it would have

meant to her to be present.

Well, suppose you bring
the kid right down here.

We want to meet you, and
we'll have the ceremony right

here, in our own home town.

Of course.

May I-- may I call you "father?"

Thank you, Father.

This is more than I'd hoped for.

Father wants to talk to you.

Yes?

Well, that takes care of
the transportation, baby.

Who's going to question
the Curtis Institute

and Princeton University?

Oh, listen to--

Daddy, maybe there's
some other way.

I don't want to take 'em
for that kind of a ride.

Oh, it's quite all right.

I'll take a few days off.

(ALL TALKING) We all will.

Anyway, they don't have a car.

We'll rent one.

I can drive.

I think.

Never mind the alibis, baby.

This gets you to Rancocas.

I don't want any
argument, understand?

Hello?

What's the matter, my dear?

Oh, he's always
in such a rush.

Father?

Well, that's my good fortune.

The sooner, the better.

Gentlemen, I have the honor
to announce our engagement.

Oh, good!

Congratulations!

There now, Miss Bragg.

Don't cry.

I hope you're doing the
right thing, Professor.

I know I am.

Why don't you go upstairs, and
pack some things for my fiance?

All right.

Thank you.

I want to be an usher.

I want to be an usher.

We'll all be ushers.

One kisses the bride.

Yeah.

We'll all kiss the bride.

DR. ELFINI: That's right.

MAGENBRUCH: May we, Frisbee?

Oh, go right ahead, gentlemen.

Thank you.

You've made us very happy.

Very happy.

Um-- we feel that--

that you're marrying all of us.

A little.

Yes.

We all do.

We wish you all the happiness
in the world, my dear.

Yes.
Yes.

Yes, indeed.

Well, I-- well, if we're going
to get started this afternoon,

I'd better get my
things together.

Kind of a cheesy
picture of me, isn't it?

Now I know you better, I'd
say it's a little flattering.

Check.

Out of consideration
for Professor Frisbee,

I'll let you get
your things together

and get down the back stairs.

And then you'll
call the police?

No.

That would be too humiliating
for Professor Frisbee.

Just get out and disappear.

I've already made
other arrangements.

Oh, don't worry-- I'm not
marrying any professor.

You're certainly not.

The guy I'm getting is going
to keep me in diamonds and mink

coats, not bungalow aprons.

That's pretty good for a gal
who came up the hard way, huh?

We'll have this
room fumigated.

You can do that
after we're gone.

You're not taking
professor Frisbee.

I'm taking all of them!

Oh, you are?

Oh, no.

Let me pass.

You are forcing me
to phone the police.

Look, cookie-- any spilling
there's to be done, I'll do.

But not yet.

Not while it'll
bug up everything.

If you think I'm letting you
take my professors, you can--

Oh, look at it
this way, cookie.

The harm has been done.

Frizzy's going to wear
his heart in a sling

whether he finds
out sooner or later.

Here, in Jersey-- it doesn't
make any difference to him.

Only in Jersey is a darn
sight better for me.

Better for you, indeed.

Oh, no.

Let me through that door.

No!

Let me through that
door, or I'll scream!

Oh, no-- can't
have you screaming!

Sorry, cookie.

[wedding theme playing]

(MUMBLING) To be my
lawful wedded wife,

for better or worse--
- What did you say?

What?

Oh, nothing.

I was just rehearsing
the wedding ceremony.

"To be my lawful wedded
wife, for better or worse,

for richer or poorer."

Oh, please, Frizzy.

- What?
- Don't.

Please.

Oh, you're very nervous,
darling, aren't you?

I know it's been a
very exciting day.

Look out!

[tires squealing]

MAGENBRUCH: Careful, Frisbee!

Careful!

Frisbee!

[phone ringing]

[banging]

[ringing continues]

Help!

Help!

Police!

Never mind, operator.

Cancel it.

They must have left, Tony.

There's no answer.

They should've
been here hours ago.

Not the way those old
fogeys will be driving.

You know what's
funny about people?

The older they get, the
more careful they are.

You'd think when a guy's
seen everything that--

[phone rings]

Hello?

It's Honey!

Hello, Honey.

Where are you?

Now, look-- we're not
down here for fun.

We're having a wedding!

Oh-- you had an accident?

Oh, nothing serious.

It just shook the
old boys up a little.

I couldn't get to
a phone before.

I don't know.

Some little hotel near Kingston.

Twin Oaks Inn, it's called.

Yeah.

[men laughing in background]

Sure, Tony.

There's a midnight bus.

I can grab that.

Midnight bus?

What are you talking about?

I'll have Monte and Joe
pick you up in 40 minutes.

Yeah.

Tonight.

I've got a Justice
of the Peace waiting.

There'll be a Justice
of the Peace tomorrow.

Why not do this thing right?

I want to wait until the
old boys have gone to bed.

I can't walk out on them cold.

Maybe you'd like to sit
down and knit 'em seven blue

sweaters to remember you by.

I've told you how
it's going to be.

Now stop barking orders.

So long.

Get the car ready.

DR. ELFINI: I can prove to
you by the laws of relativity

that it wasn't Frisbee
that ran into the signpost,

but that it was the
signpost that ran--

Oh, that's all right.

Sit down.

Go ahead.

--but that it was the
signpost that ran into Frisbee.

Now, let me explain.

If you do, by the
same law, your head

will run into this bottle.

But before you do,
I'd like a drink.

All right.

And then I think
I'll hit the hay.

Get some sleep.
- Why?

The evening is yet young.

Stay with us.

Oh, no.

I don't belong here.

This is a bachelor dinner.

Well-- but this is different.

No.

That's the law.

We've heard from the garage.

The car will be
ready in the morning.

Perhaps it'll stay
together long enough

for us to get to Rancocas.

Yeah.

If we get an early start.

After issuing an
urgent appeal to

all signposts not
to charge at us.

What time should we wake you?

Around 7:30?

Oh, I'll be awake, all right.

Well, kids-- here's to you.

Wassail.

You know, you boys still
have time to warn him.

A man is a goof to
marry any woman.

Just let them try and warn me.

He'll have to
console us that there

aren't six more, just like you.

One for each of us.

Assorted ages, of course.

Naturally.

I'd like to keep
you all in a locket.

Always.

Seven squirrelly cherubs--
right out of this world.

Goodbye, kids.

(ALL) Goodbye.

Did you hear that, Frisbee?

Hm?

I'm a squirrelly cherub!

[all laughing]

I object, Gerkikoff.

I must insist--

Why?

Because I know I'm right!

You are all speaking very
glibly on a subject about which

you know practically nothing.

Frisbee, if you feel the
need of any guidance,

may I suggest that
you turn to me?

That's right-- you were
married once, weren't you?

Genevieve has been
dead for some years.

But I have relived every moment
of our happiness so many times.

And my experience is
entirely at your disposal.

I'm very much
obliged to you, Oddly.

But I feel, in this--

Please, Frisbee-- think of me
as an older brother or father,

anxious to send
you off properly.

Well, so are we all.

Now, uh-- tenderness.

That is what I advocate.

Tenderness and patience.

Genevieve was a pianist.

And we both dabbled
at composing.

After our wedding
ceremony, we went straight

to the Salzburg Festival.

We spent there a beautiful
week, filled with promise.

And returned home with
three excellent compositions

for the piano, and a
short nocturne for flute,

two horns, strings, and oboe.

Ah, me-- I remember,
for three months,

every time I bid her
good night, I kissed

the palm of her little hand.

Astonished at my own boldness.

Genevieve was a blonde.

Here is a lock of her hair.

That's lovely, Oddly.

I remember, it used
to shine a great deal.

There was a song at
that time everyone sang.

I always enjoyed
listening to it.

[humming]

That's it.

Oh, please-- sing it all.

(SINGING) Oh, Genevieve,
sweet Genevieve--

Does anyone else know it?

(SINGING) The days may come--

[men singing downstairs]

[singing continues]

(SINGING) Along the row.

Please, go on.

(SINGING) Oh, Genevieve,
sweet Genevieve--

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

(SINGING) The days may come.

The days may go.

But still the hands of merry we
a blissful dream along the row.

[humming]

That's good.
That's good.

Good.

[all singing, non-english]

What did you make out
of what Oddly was saying?

Ask him.

He's the expert.

What's his bungalow number?

Number six.

[singing continues]

Oddly?

Oddly, I'm sorry, but I've
got to talk this thing out.

I'm all confused.

I'm glad we're here in
the dark, because this

is extremely personal.

What you said before,
about tenderness--

I mean, about your honeymoon--

sounds like a beautiful
and aesthetic relationship.

But I'm afraid I
don't trust myself.

I'm afraid I'm a lot
bolder than you are.

Oddly, do you think that
would ruin everything?

Why, the very idea
that I should have

to spend my honeymoon
watching her compose

nocturnes and sonatas--

I'm a man in love.

It's the first time in my life.

I think of her
every waking moment.

I want to take her in my arms.

If this marriage should
have been delayed--

that is, should be delayed--

I mean, could--
listen to me, Oddly.

I'm all mixed up.

Can a man like that keep his
mind on Johann Sebastian Bach?

Oh, Frizzy.

What?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I don't know how I could
have made such a mistake.

I-- to say such
things to a woman!

Don't apologize.

DR. ELFINI: Frisbee?

Frisbee!

Someone's calling me.

Are they?

Mm-hmm.

DR. ELFINI: Frisbee,
where are you?

It's just as well.

DR. ELFINI: Oh, Frisbee!

[clears throat] I'll be back.

[water running]

Did you call me?

Yes, Frisbee, we did.

Uh, Frisbee--
something came up.

Oh, really?
What is it?

Well, you see, as
we were sitting-- hm?

You'd better tell him.

No, no.

I-- I think he'd
better tell him.

Who?

Well, you see,
there's a gentleman--

I mean, a man-- there's
four men, or six--

Uh, he will tell you.

Yeah, he'll tell you.

I don't understand.

Well, if you'll come right
inside, you'll understand.

Just come in.

Yes.

Oh.

Uh, how-- how do you do?

TONY CROW: So you're
the bridegroom?

Hm?
- Yes.

This is Professor Frisbee.

TONY CROW: Hiya, Hobart.

How do you do?

I thought you'd look like
the rest of these squats--

except for a beard
with pea soup in it.

Squats?

Well, what about me evoked
this interest on your part?

Sounds like it's
engraved, don't it?

What's this all about?

It's about Miss Honey.

If you'd talk to him first--

No.

We've had enough
detours, already.

Maybe you recognize
the voice, Hobart?

Or don't you?

How's the sinus?

Oh-- oh, are you her father?

Well, how do you do, mister--

You're getting warm.

I'm her daddy.

Shut up.

I believe I'm entitled
to some clarification.

I would think so.

So am I. Lipstick.

Hey!

Hey, you can't--
- No.

No.

Take it easy.

I was kind of counting on
Honey to tell you the score.

And the trouble
with her, she's OK

giving out with the
wisecracks and the twists,

but when it comes to leveling
off, she gets chicken.

He's trying to tell
us our wedding trip

was nothing but a vast lie.

"Vast lie?"

Don't you believe that, Hobart.

It's going to be a wedding.

Honey's going to be the bride--

only I'm going to
be the bridegroom.

MONTE: [laughing]

Shake it off.

I'm very obliged to you guys
for delivering a hot cargo.

She had to be handled
with a lot of care.

Frisbee, it seems
that your bride-to-be--

TONY CROW: His bride?

That's a laugh.

It seems that
Miss Honey has used

us to circumvent the police.

I don't believe it.

Professor, you thought she
was going to marry you, with

your $3,000-what-is-it a year?

She spends that much having
her toenails painted.

She sulks if she has to
wear last year's ermine.

He don't believe it.

Look at him.

All right, Professor.

Suppose you go tell
Honey daddy's here.

Tony Crow is the name.

MONTE: [laughing]

[car engine approaching]

MISS BRAGG: Mr. Frisbee!

Oh, Professor!

Why, Miss Bragg!

I hope we're not too late.

Have you married that girl?

You know, she knocked me out!

Nine hours in a closet!

Something told me all along--

Hold the phone, sister.

Hold the phone.

We traced you through
your accident.

There's a warrant from
the DA's office for that

girlfriend of Tony Crow's.

Where is she?

Uh--

[car engine receding]

There's a Mr. Crow
waiting for you.

Yeah?

The situation
has been explained

to me in simple terms.

You needn't worry
about the police.

I just spoke to them.

Told them you'd
left an hour ago.

Probably were in
Trenton, by now.

Thanks, Frizzy.

Thanks for what?

You've given us a fine
course in the theory

and practice of being a sucker.

Perhaps it wasn't
quite worthy of you,

choosing us as the subject
of the demonstration.

Seven pushovers.

Like shooting fish in a barrel.

I didn't mean for you
to get it this way--

right in the face.

I've been trying to
write you a letter.

Here are all my excuses.

And the handwriting of a--
what would be your word for it?

A tramp.

[sobs]

MAGENBRUCH: Good
morning, Miss Bragg.

Good morning, gentlemen.

(ALL) Morning.

How about some
nice, hot breakfast?

(ALL) No, no.

I made Parkerhouse rolls.

No, no.
Don't care for any.

Professor Oddly?

You may have some
jam or apple butter.

No, I don't think
so, Miss Bragg.

Thank you.

What?

Nobody wants any breakfast?

Miss Bragg, would you
mind very much-- please,

would you mind leaving us?

Well!

[record playing]

HONEY (ON RECORD):
(SINGING) Flying Schmo's

last, 40 lengths behind.

[record stops]

Now gentleman, before we
attempt to go back to work,

I should like to
say a few words.

You've all been very
kind and very tactful.

Overly tactful, if I may say so.

Now, let's face it--

I made an ass of
myself, and I know it.

Oh, well, we all did, Frisbee.

Yes.

But I was the lead donkey.

Good morning.

(ALL) Good morning.

Well, you've had
quite an eventful night,

last night, gentlemen.

At least so we
see by the papers.

It's cost the
estate some $300,000

to have its name spread across
every tabloid in New York.

"Nightclub cutie hides
out in Totten Foundation."

And this one.

Yes.

"Professor smuggles Honey
across state lines."

A Honey smuggler.

I'm sorry, Miss Totten.

For the aforesaid reasons,
Miss Totten has decided

to discontinue this project.

What?

[womanly sigh]

Don't do that.

One word, Miss Totten.

In your very
understandable excitement,

a great injustice is being done.

I am the guilty one, and
I accept my dishonorable

discharge without any protest.

But I don't believe
the others should

be made to suffer for my--

[glass shattering]

Goodness!

What happened?

Good mornin', teachers.

Yeah.

Good mornin'.

Now, everybody
line up over there.

MONTE: Just like
for a photograph.

JOE: With you, Hobart,
in the foreground.

Come on.

Let's get going.

MONTE: Get around.
Get around.

Go on.
- Faster, faster.

Keep moving.

Come on.

Hurry up.

All right, now.

Sit down, everybody.

Make yourself comfortable.

Hey, Louie!

LOUIE: Yeah?

Phone the boss and tell him we
got everything in cold storage.

How much longer are we
going to argue this thing?

Now come on, Honey.

I said, "no."

And "no" is no.

Listen, Honey-- when I
was nine years old, I fell

in love with my piano teacher.

She played classical.

Now, you're not nine years old.

I love him.

She loves him.

Yes, I love him.

I love those hick shirts he
wears, with the boiled collars.

And the way he always has
his coat buttoned wrong.

He looks like a
giraffe, and I love him.

I love him because he's
the sort of a guy that gets

drunk on a glass of buttermilk.

And I love the way he blushes
right up over his ears.

I love him because he-- he
doesn't know how to kiss.

The jerk.

I love him, Tony.

That's what I'm
trying to tell you.

I'll never see him again.

But I'm not going to marry you.

Even if you fill
me full of lead,

like you did your
friend, Ernie Hart.

I told you, I was framed.

I'm beginning to have
my own ideas about that.

[phone ringing]
- Hello?

Yeah.

OK.

Louie just phoned, boss.

They got 'em on ice.

This kind of changes things.

Come on, baby.

Let's go.

Go where?

Back to town.

What is this?

Well, let's call it a
sort of a shotgun wedding.

Say, what are
you trying to pull?

Baby, you've been floating
around on a pink cloud.

I want you to take a good
look at your friend, Frizzy.

Then maybe you'll come
back down to earth.

Come on.

Let's go.

What's the set-up?

Joe and Monte have
got him in there.

This room, over here, is empty.

You wait here.

Hiya, boss.

Everything's under control.

Where'd you get
all the people?

I thought there were
only seven of 'em?

JOE: Oh, they wandered in.

Said they were musicians.

TONY CROW: Yeah.

I recognize them.

What are hepcats doing
in a place like this?

MONTE: Louie grabbed 'em.

They said they was
here to play music.

Hello, Hobart.

Uh-- How-- how do you do?

OK.

Hold him here.

Come on in.

Take a look, baby.

Maybe it'll change your mind.

Well?

We'll be in the room
across the hall.

Can we make a deal now, baby?

Sure we can, brother rat.

Adams has gone to
get a guy to marry us.

Bring them in as soon
as they get here.

Knock off that
walkin', Hobart.

You make me nervous.

Hobart!

Will you sit down?

I beg your pardon?

Sit down!

Here, now.

All we have to do is wait
for the "all-clear" signal.

We'll dismiss the class
right after the ceremony.

Did you say "right
after the ceremony?"

MONTE: That's what the man said.

He said that.

You can hear, can't you?

You mean they're
not married yet?

Why do you think we're
fooling around with these?

I don't know.

Why?

A little trouble with
Honey's vocal cords.

She wouldn't say "yes."

Wouldn't say "yes?"

Gentlemen, I've been wrong.

This-- this visit is
no longer a mystery.

Apparently, it requires those
guns leveled on us to force

Miss Honey to marry Mr. Crow!

You mean to say that--

Yes, I do.

[all talking]

I believe she loves me.

She really loves me!

[voices overlapping]

Hey!

Hey!

She loves you,
she loves you not.

So what?
- Well, don't you see?

I couldn't possibly permit
Miss Honey to marry Mr.

Crow under these circumstances.

Don't you agree, gentlemen?

Oh, absolutely!

[all talking]

Shut up!

Now sit down, all of you.

Go on.

Gentlemen, we--

Sit down!

Hobart!

[laughs nervously]

Here you are, Tony.

He can't hear, but
he can marry you.

Hello.

I'm the groom, and
that's the bride.

Get going.

I can't hear you.

(SHOUTING) I said, I'm
the groom, and that's--

Whoa!

Too loud!

(NORMAL VOICE) I'm the
groom, and that's the bride.

Oh.
Pleased to meet you, ma'am.

Hello.

You too, sir.

I presume you have a license?

Oh, yeah.

Here it is.

I must have lost my glasses.

- This is going to be great.
- Sure.

The best part of it is,
he's so near-sighted,

he can't recognize you.

I got them right here.

They don't Looks so big now,
them big musical brains, eh?

MONTE: Not to me, they don't.

You gentlemen think you're
big because you have firearms--

because you know how to load
them and pull the trigger.

It would be very
interesting to teach

you the contrary, wouldn't it--

Button it up, understand?

Beg your pardon, gentlemen.

We hate to bother you again.

Why do you say, Hep!

Hey, bother!

Excuse us, professor.

We got some more questions
maybe you could help us answer.

The first question is,
"how did music secure

a great military victory?"

We couldn't see what music
had to do with winning a battle.

What y'all doing, having a
meeting here, or something?

More like a wake, maybe.

- Excuse us.
- Never mind.

Sit down.

We got a nice, low seat for
you, right in the front row.

I'll get over there first.

[clears throat]
Uh, mister, uh--

Just call me Joe.

Mr. Joe, do you know
anything about music?

It's not one of
my best points.

I never went in for
that kind of stuff.

At least, not very much.
- Oh, yes.

Well, there was a question
put to the assemblage

a little while ago, which I
would like very much to answer.

You don't mind if
we talk, do you?

Just keep it funny.

Your question was about
music winning a battle.

[all talking]

No, no, no-- it's a
very interesting subject.

I believe the
correct answer would

be the Battle of
Jericho, in which

music played a vital part--

a very vital part.

That ain't funny, professor.

Well, I'm hoping it
will be, in just a moment.

Are you gentlemen familiar
with the Battle of Jericho?

(ALL) Yeah.
Sure.

Would you mind singing
a few phrases, please?

(ALL) Sure.

Now, I'd like you to
pay particular attention

to the meaning of the words.

All right, gentlemen-- please.

The meaning of the words.

(ALL SINGING)
Well, Joshua fought

the battle around Jericho,
around Jericho, around Jericho.

Well, Joshua fought the
battle around Jericho,

and the walls come
tumbling down.

God knows that Joshua fought
the battle around Jericho,

around Jericho, around Jericho.

Well, Joshua fought the
battle around Jericho,

and the walls come
tumbling down.

Good morning, Sister Mary.

Good morning, Brother John.

I just want to stop and tell
you, just how I came along.

You've heard about
good old Joshua.

Well, he was the son of none.

And he never stopped
his working--

well, until his work was done.

Well, Joshua fought the
battle around Jericho,

around Jericho--
- Uh-uh!

Hey!
Break it up.

We don't want any whispering.

Oh.

Uh, well, I believe
we've gone far enough,

and we all understand the
answer to our problem.

Don't we, gentlemen?
- (ALL) Yes, yes.

- Now, I suggest that--
- Ah, go on-- get to it.

What do you want to do?

Well, we would like to
try a little demonstration

on the effect of resonance
and reverberation.

I don't know nothing about it.

Well, we'll try and teach you.

Go ahead.
Go ahead.

Thank you.

Now, gentlemen--
suppose you play

the piece you were
playing the other day,

as I came into the room.

You-- you mean
"The Anvil Chorus?"

Yes.

Yes, indeed.
- Oh.

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

Now, I've--

Can we play, too, Professor?

Oh, by all means.

All of you, please, join in.

Now, our hope is-- in the
words of Mr. Armstrong--

that this particular music might
send you out of this world.

Yeah?

Yes?

Would you, uh--
sit down, please?

Yeah.

Yes.

Oh-- perhaps you'll be a
little more comfortable right--

right here.

Yes.

We'll, uh-- [chuckles]
All right, gentlemen.

If we are all ready, now,
I suggest that we proceed.

Ready?

[playing "the anvil chorus"]

[tempo increases]

[tempo increases]

Whoa!

I-- I-- I chose the wrong piece.

You didn't send me at all.

- Me neither.
- Yes.

It was definitely
the wrong piece.

I don't like that
kind of stuff, anyway.

Oh, I quite agree with you.

We must go the other way.

Isn't that true, gentlemen?

We must go the other way.

We must change our style.

Can we help, professor?

Oh, that's an excellent
idea, Mr. Dorsey.

Perhaps, if we change
our style to Swing,

that will help produce the,
uh-- the desired result.

Hey-- less talk
and more music.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'd almost forgotten about you.

Just one more thing.

As they are playing, would
you boys be prepared to, uh--

"cut a rug" for this gentleman?

Oh, we dig it.

We dig it, Professor.

Yes, indeed.

Now you're talking.

That's more like it.

Yes.

I thought it was
pretty good, myself.

What are you gentlemen
going to play?

We'd like to
try "Flying Home."

That's fine.

OK, Mel.

"Flying Home."

[playing "flying home"]

Now, repeat after me.

"I, Anthony Crow--"

[music pounding in background]

I, Anthony Crow--

Louder, please.

I, Anthony Crow--

First-class muderer.

"Take thee, Honey Swanson--"

Take thee, Honey Swanson--

Who hates and despises
and loathes you--

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: "To
be my lawful wedded wife--"

To be my lawful wedded wife--

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: "For
better or for worse--"

For better or for worse--

For worse.

"For richer or for poorer,
in sickness and in health--"

For richer or for poorer,
in sickness and in health--

I'm sick already.

- You cut that out.
- What?

Never mind.
Go on.

What say?

(SHOUTING) Go ahead!

Oh.

[horns blaring]

Did-- did you say something?

No, it's that music, in there.

Oh.

"In sickness and in health--"

You just said that.

What?

Shall I cut out
that racket, boss?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Go ahead.

Hey-- where is he going?

He's going to stop the music.

Well, he can't go!

He's a witness.

He's got to remain here
through the entire ceremony!

OK, Adams-- forget it.

Go ahead.

Well, now I
forgot where I was.

I've got to start
all over again.

Oh, this is going
to take all day.

Begin where you left off!

What'd you say?

Go ahead!

Not so loud!

You hurt my ears!

[clears throat] Now,
repeat after me.

"I, Anthony Crow--"

I, Anthony Crow--

[music blaring]

[music crescendoes]

[joe laughing]

DR. ELFINI: Get his gun!

Get his gun!

And do you,
Honey Swanson, take

this man to be your
lawful wedded husband,

to live together--
- No!

No, I don't!

[men singing in baritone]

Pick them up.

Take their guns away.

Hey, wait!

I ain't finished yet!

I'm very glad of that.

Put up your hands, Mr. Crow.

Put 'em up!

[horn section blaring]

Now, Mr. Crow, we'll settle
our differences as man-to-man.

Without the use of firearms.

OK, Hobart!

[honey gasps]

Take it easy, Tony.

Attaboy, Frizzy!

Give it to him!

[BAND PLAYING "THE ANVIL CHORUS"
IN TIME TO PUNCHES]

Go on!

Hit him!

Attaboy!

Give it to him!

Konk him!

Konk him!

Hit him again!

Listen, you seven wise idiots.

It wouldn't work.

Remember, Frizzy--
no women aboard.

Now, of all women, you want
to take a dizzy dame like me.

Now, if you'll allow me,
I can cite many examples

of love stories from
the operas to prove

the inevitability of the step.

Yes.

I have proof, even from
the older classics.

From the laws of harmony.

Yes, indeed.

And the laws of counterpoint.

The music of the
masters is sufficient.

That hasn't anything
to do with it!

Yes, it has.

Gentlemen, I know when
words cease to be of use,

there remains but one argument.

Come here, Miss Honey.

Oh, no, Frizzy.
Please.

FRISBEE: On the book.

Please.

But Frizzy--
but it isn't fair.

Isn't it?

No.

It isn't fair.

My goodness, Hobart,
remember my advice--

[shushing]

Whoo!

[laughs]

[music playing]