All language subtitles for [English (auto-generated)] Simon 1980 [DownSub.com]

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it is not generally known that many of

the strange and alarming trends observed

in this country in recent years were not

random occurrences coincidences are

so-called acts of God but are in fact

directly traceable to this group of men

five of the most brilliant and twisted

geniuses in America perhaps in the

entire world living and working together

isolated protected and funded by a

government contract so brilliantly

incomprehensible that no one even at the

highest Washington levels knew it's real

activities this group in the name of

free scientific inquiry perpetrated a

series of scenarios so sinister so

bizarre and so childishly perverse that

rational men argued that the

civilization which had come so far and

so short a time was finally collapsing

dr. Carl Becker director of the

Institute excuse me dr. Becker oh yes

how did the five of you meet we were all

sent out here some years ago by someone

who thought it would be a good idea for

the best minds to be put together in a

good environment with unlimited funds

and what were you all supposed to do Oh

think a think-tank what about the usual

you know the food shortage ecology

energy that sort of thing we were

supposed to save the world before it

went wrong nothing went wrong we just

got into more interesting material

that's all more interesting material

what kind of material Oh little this a

little that Hundertwasser does all of

our media work

this device allows us to jam all the

Nielsen boxes in the country I see

you're talking about the television

rating system that's right we've been

doing that for the past six years we

substitute our own information using

microwaves from roving vans mmm you see

that Total Environment control the

entire country that sounds impossible

yeah that's not that difficult we pick

show to random and feed a winning share

into the Nielsen boxes like Donna Marie

hefty 60 share audience to 70 million

now we happen to know that on that night

were only 1200 people the entire country

will watch that particular show that's

70 million well that's amazing

that's right the important thing to

remember is that Nielsen was totally

wrong about everything

dr. Burundi conceived and worked with

the Chinese on the Nixon substitution

scenario the Nixon substitution scenario

what was that exactly the Nixon who went

to China in 1972 was not the one we sent

back free Chandler chemistry biology and

pharmaceutical I have some things here

we're into several areas actually

viruses some phage cloning DNA

crystalline diffraction

I did the new penicillin resistant

gonorrhea strain a few years ago

remember was in all the papers nobody

could figure it out and van Dongen is

doing some very nice stuff with genetics

and adaptation genetically speaking man

is very unstable

he's a sort of an inferior product of

nature genes are vulnerable to a variety

of outside influences to radiation

chemicals stress on the other hand

certain insects the common roach for

instance are very resistant to mutation

now if we could crossbreed a human with

a roach then we would have a species

that could last for 10 billion years

it is now accepted as we put the pieces

together that the entire unpleasantness

was the fault of this Becker person and

that the catastrophe found its

beginnings as so many do in the most

casual innocent remark in this case a

small article in The New York Times

good morning gentlemen now see what you

can do with this here Gallup says that

over 60% of Americans now firmly believe

that there are extraterrestrials out

there somewhere trying to contact us

whoa anybody Eric

Arum we could give them what they want I

think I got one no I think I got a good

one what you're gonna like this what if

a spaceship lands and extraterrestrial

steps I'll what happens what happens and

what does the effect on the population

what is it panic because of hysteria the

depression it's mass suicide is it

religious revivals you see what I'm

saying we can find out I'll fake fake it

think all you need is the right orphan

at orphan why do you need an orphan

because an extraterrestrial Eric must

not be traceable to earth weren't

parents

I like this Leon it has texture and

scope changes in their blood various

fluid I have a thought about a primal

trauma at the end of all this the

country discovers et been living right

among them all along incredible let's

get Doris in on this hello Doris yes dr.

Becker how are you Doris

I'm perfect you know that let me see

what you can find on a white American

male between the ages of 25 and 40

mm-hmm an orphan the parents are

untraceable urban just a minute I'm

searching yeah he's coming I can feel it

how about an assistant professor of

psychology Simon Mendelssohn he's

perfect

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okay stay with me now because this is

really great

nuclear rockets huge ones hundreds of

them on one side of the world and when

the plan runs out of food and air and

water which will probably what do we do

uh anybody what do we do I'll tell you

what we do into a spaceship and we move

to another solar system where there is

food and water and air it can happen

anything can happen

dare to dream use the right side of your

brains intuition imagination dreams

uncertainty remember we talked about the

uncertainty principle you can change the

world with an idea but you have to think

of the idea first Wittgenstein said this

I do not know what I do not know huh is

that fantastic I do not know what yes

Pam what is it uh is this gonna be on

the final Doris is right is perfect

we're gonna need a few personal details

from his early childhood I need fresh

samples of his three major bodily fluids

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completely safe Lisa stop worrying what

is this looks like a coffin

very good it's the credit coffin comes

in I got it from Gerry Epstein's uncle

who drives a hearse for Frankie

Campbell's totally supportive

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you're dizzy mister class you made

sounds like a wolf howling three days

it's a completely normal side effect and

this has nothing to do with that

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Phillips head screwdriver you're a

brilliant man you could make a

contribution what do you want to lie in

a coffin from Jerry epsilonkl are you

kidding me this is the greatest

scientific research tool since the

invention of the microscope Lisa since

the microscope says everybody me is this

your mattress yes it is it's a new field

Lisa I'm a pioneer you ever see

Faraday's lab or Fermi's well Madame

Curie's or the atomic pile at the

University of Chicago flimsy stuff it's

all jerry-built

all right listen what do you want me to

do with your red shirt what the red

shirt that came back mangled from the

laundry Lisa someplace I'm on the verge

here this is gonna do it for me really

it's incredible

look at this a simple tank filled with

water you get in you float there no

light no sound a feeling of gravity

nothing the brain is deprived of all

sensory input so it starts to turn in on

itself

you get disoriented you get afraid you

start to panic massive anxiety ensues if

you're lucky even hallucinate the brain

examining itself Lisa Josh you got it

great what is that AJ I capped it from

the primate layer Simon you shouldn't

steal equipment oh no Harvey stole

cadavers from the cemetery

Harvey Milstein from the Economics

Department Harvey so William Harvey

circulation of the blood 1628 jokes I'm

white now Lisa go get a cup of coffee I

don't want a cup of coffee all right

I'll get a cup of coffee you pick up

later okay

what time love it I mean Monday this is

Thursday right what do you mean right

you gonna lie in this place for three

days you will dissolve won't dissolve

it's only a two hours Simon I don't want

to have to fill out a lot of forms do

you or do you not want me to win a Nobel

Prize yes if you wear that to the

ceremony okay let's run the list sweetie

everything's completely under control

ten I've got a duck okay oh my god that

was the most incredible experience of my

life

Collin was they in the full ad about 63

seconds 63 seconds are you sure my god

that must be what keto excuse me you

must be Simon Mendelssohn you are am i

right

yes I'd like to introduce myself I'm

Carl Becker and I think you may be an

authentic genius

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I see Umansky is doing some interesting

things with neutrinos

I heard from Keira off he says he's

three months from a unified field theory

lord care law always premature Misha oh

don't even mention me sir

large mylar reflectors about five miles

square launched from rockets

what reflectors in synchronous orbit

22,000 miles over Nebraska why 24-hour

days at night oh yes it is growing cycle

Oh twice as much car very pretty very

pretty you should make out some

equations called blades

is it the matush it is the 70 it has a

lovely nose thank you sir oh I do I do

so dislike the 68 it's so pushy yeah I

don't know how to say this dr. Carl

please all my life I hope that maybe

someday and now this and then and you

and and those guys my god they're all so

brilliant and in that Indian guy with a

mylar reflectors

I couldn't believe one day he was just

showing off oh yeah you of course well I

don't know I'm speechless

here it is Simon what do you think what

do I think you saw what they gave me at

school that little Plaza the basement

anything you want some and just

requisition it from a paperclip to a

microscope the only limit is your own

imagination

I don't know I am without I can't I I

know you're gonna do some wonderful work

well I'll certainly I'll do every I'll

make oh I'd like to excuse me that's all

right

Cynthia Malorie Simon Mendelssohn indeed

dr. Mallory is oh yeah has expressed an

interest in working with you oh well

that's not I need I need somebody with a

very eclectic background a solid

foundation all the sciences some

literature and philosophy yeah what's

your field we'll have an MD from Johns

Hopkins a PhD from Cambridge and

behavioral psychology masters from the

Sorbonne in contemporary French

literature

okay the absurdist so okay me yes um I

read the many my undergraduate work was

completed at Swarthmore two years summa

[ __ ] laude

yes Kiplinger in Vienna all of Stockholm

epstein in Geneva yes of course you're

familiar with this all part of your clan

biorhythms an acetyl transferase

activity and chickens and rats yes

abstinence abstinence and chickens my

notebook entitled a comprehensive

history of oral sex techniques

Illustrated has already been proclaimed

a masterpiece by both Norman Mailer and

Bess Myerson and has an advanced

printing of 100,000 copies

who's your publisher now let's try it

out for pride out for a week

I'm working on what I call a general

theory of creativity really just like

Albert Einstein I believe that inside of

everybody everybody is a genius waiting

to be released the secret is you got to

get yourself into a kind of a chaotic

enough mental state and the good

material can break through from the

unconscious well how do you accomplish

this Oh any way you can

chemicals sleep laws fasting deep

breathing did you know that if I

hyperventilate for ten minutes

I really do some very interesting well

you fellows may be wrong and you'll

forgive me if I throw 500 years of

science out the window with this just

what if it's all subjective I mean the

universe contains not one truth but an

infinite number of truths right okay

thank you take your black hole for

example your black hole is popular now I

submit because what you got there is a

bunch of the press scientists you're not

gonna get any happy well-adjusted

scientists inventing a big object a

black thing that sucks you into a noodle

shaped object five million miles long

and heats you up if you get through

closer think about it hmm very good

thank you plates very fruity how's he

doing

he thinks he's doing just great is he

watching right now he's watching smile

is he resisting you resisting Bob Dicke

that is the perfect environment perfect

equipment perfect fantasy the perfect

woman I think we can move ahead swiftly

now the key is death if you spoke of

death a lot it would make him sexually

excited he's that type we're drowning in

a sea of facts the left half of the

brain is recreating the entire world

that's quite brilliant how did you get

so brilliant must run in the family

oh yes yeah my father was the most

brilliant research physicist on the

entire h-bomb project until the accident

he was in charge of the final arming of

the bomb on Anna we talk oh yes

apparently he fell asleep in the tower

no one know about it the detonation went

off on schedule you mean yes my father

was completely vaporized fine this

morbid I certainly do please continue

my grandfather was a student under the

great radiologist Wilhelm roentgen in

Munich oh yeah yeah they discovered this

you place your hand in front of a

photographic plate and bombarded the

high-intensity x-rays that you can see

the skeleton underneath mm-hmm 1901

Wilhelm roentgen got the Nobel Prize

my grandfather's hand dropped off my

husband psychiatrist he specialized in

contemporary suicide was the psycho huh

one day he took a bottle of Seconal and

jumped off the roof oh my god he must

have suffered terribly I feel that he

was probably sleeping by the time he

passed the third floor

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did you get the fluids did you get him

did you get him did you get him did you

get him did you turn are they fresh

you're a genius did you tell the father

story yes and the husband Anna yes yes

yes

you see I designed those anecdotes

specifically to excite him to enthrall

him with you

his feelings about me are not based on

your little stories I can assure you oh

really

well what are they based on then

something I do with my tongue Cynthia

that's disgusting

yes that's why it works [ __ ] pimp

alright alright let's just calm down

there should be a beautiful moment Eric

what are your thoughts well Carl I think

the new tank of his is the key see my

feeling is what he's searching for

during these immersions although he

doesn't know it is his real mother the

one who abandoned him when he was an

orphan so the next time he gets in the

tank leave him in for 200 hours that's

over a week his brains been trying to

tapioca oh I wouldn't think so it'll

just make him very receptive to what

we're going to give him a whole new

birth memory you got a red light good

sweetheart I'm gonna check the monitor

here see if the two things are going

there's a test run so get me out in an

hour okay let's plug in terrific hold

please

okay one second okay hello hello hello

can you read me out there I hope you're

taking good notes out there 1 2 3 4 5 6

7 8 9 10 ABC hello hello okay I'm inside

the tank it's very very interesting

water temperature is weird shoes I've

spoken with Euripides and hisses

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well snake

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okay open it up but it's only 197 ah

what's he doing he's regressed

completely regrets to where infancy no

further than that about 500 million

years every human brain carries the

memory of Olive illusion he's been

through the entire evolutionary chain

has to find his way back

now see is a tiny sea organism plankton

what's he doing now

and look at that Karl we've got flippers

and fins here and he's starting to swim

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now he's trying to walk erect

hey that's australopith the scene that's

Pithecanthropus Java man

oh whoa our witness oh he's discovered

his own sexuality

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Wow among consenting language they won't

know where they serve I look that Carl

he's doing a dance of joy to the harvest

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no too much joy we get guilt in religion

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now he's becoming civilized he's become

an artisan he's making objects he's at

an assembly line it's it's the

Industrial Revolution

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this will bring him up into Twilight's

sleep you'll observe everything but

it'll pass directly into his deepest

memory there is unconscious poor lonely

Simon and do you know why you're lonely

Simon because you're an orphan you don't

know who you are or where you come from

open your eyes Simon

it's July 7 1938 your first day on earth

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where's that with it your mother well my

mother no no your real mother

hmm where are you mother right in front

of you darling

spaceship are you ins Simon

I am the patient who's you just a

machine

oh thank you very much some gratitude

from a son huh the human being have a

mother who's a machine mother Simon our

planet is 50 billion years ahead of

Earth we can make humans the way humans

make toasters you made me what then you

made yourself I'm screwed it's all right

don't worry it's a good recipe a little

protein some nice amino acids it lasts

for almost 40 years I guarantee and then

you fall apart what do you expect

Simon nothing lasts forever not even a

toaster they need help Simon I want you

to save the world save the world I can't

even get a regular checking account MA

goodbye

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don't be fried

and leaving you in front of the

orphanage

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something happened what happened I don't

know let's just figure it out logically

Oh bad dream oh not dreams Simon those

were memories memories

don't be frightened Simon they're here

to help Oh search for it

Sochi who you are Who I are your parents

who are they where did they come oh who

are you the whole world is waiting

extraordinary think of the possibilities

the recognition yeah look who are you

Simon who are you I know I know

yes my mother made me I'm I'm a recipe

go with it my mother a big white one a

thing floating in yes yes yes

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and to close this item from Hanover May

scientists from a research facility near

here reported that they were holding

someone who was claiming to be an

extraterrestrial this footage supplied

by station WH Cayce in Bangor shows

Simon Mendelssohn a staff member at the

Institute for advanced concepts who it

is alleged was placed on earth as an

infant approximately 40 years ago

extensive medical tests are underway to

determine if mr. Mendelssohn is in fact

our first visitor from the stars or just

a self-styled lunatic or both

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we're only young dawn of we're gonna be

so awesome

go get a bucket boiler easy Barnaby

spade a star

ah

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mr. son

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ah

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it's a distinct possibility we can make

viruses now an advanced civilization

they could make a perfect human a real

three-dimensional human you there's a

dichotomy in this that if he's

indistinguishable from you or me what is

the difference where is his soul this is

the basic question how can the man have

a soul

his mother was a blender the most you

can have is a warranty I think that this

event is clear proof that there is a God

in the universe this is clear proof

there is no god you're both wrong

this is proof that there is a God but he

doesn't know what the hell he's doing

please good morning Simon Oh Carl good

morning you wanted to see it yes I did I

wanted to thank you all personally for

the exemplary way in which you have

handled what could have been a very

explosive situation for you you should

feel very very proud thank you you see

you've given the world something finally

to believe in ah and what is that mean

yes Simon what's that in your hand oh

yes my statement could we see it sure to

whom do you wish to make this statement

oh all mankind for media coverage could

you excuse us for a minute

surely thank you I'm not a new wrinkle

what do you think well we can't let him

make the statement I'm sorry in the

scenario release it to the media why not

did you read that thing the man's a

world-class psychotic

uh-huh did you say something I said look

who's talking chemist Rocha file please

gentlemen and thank you could you excuse

us for just a minute thank you

look I want to give it a try what could

happen

Arum go sir Pasha go let's do it

very Timon what we've decided to do it

Carl I'd like to express my very grave

doubts about this now this man is

obviously insane we can't present him

I've been doing a great deal of thinking

about Who I am and why I've been sent

here to live among you and the answer is

really very simple things here are just

not working out very well your jobs are

boring your food is bland your water's

polluted your relationships don't work

is that not right and the question is

how have things come to such a sorry

state of affairs I will tell you there

is too much bad stuff around bad food

bad drink bad art bad ideas everything's

all clogged up so what we're gonna do is

we're gonna get rid of all the bad stuff

and that will be a very good beginning

now I have your list of things which I

like written in the Constitution

immediately after which I promise you

your lives will be less tense and more

rewarding one all music in elevators

airports restaurants and other public

rooms will cease immediately to no more

children or animals may be used to sell

products three lawyers who lose cases

will go to jail with their clients

for no doctor may write a diet book any

doctor who does will immediately lose

his license and become a dentist five

I think we don't really need a House of

Representatives and a Senate the Romans

didn't have one so let's just have a

Senate okay which reminds me I think

would be a very good idea from now on

all politicians who appeared in public

were cone-shaped partyhat not bad huh

six pollution anybody who owns a factory

that makes radioactive waste has to take

it home at night with him to his house

vii anybody who says I'm trying to get

centered you are invading my space or

far out will be fined $50 make that $100

I feel Simon is basically expressing the

unconscious wishes of the public

basically what are your feelings on that

senator I can't go along with that dick

I think the fellas dangerous

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Simon you're gonna have to go more

slowly because you're gonna disturb

people you're upset well I understand

these I just think we should meet and go

over your material before you broadcast

again no that's quite impossible why

because now I have to speak with someone

in authority I'm in authority yes Carl

of course you are that's why I want you

to set up a meeting with the president

the Chinese premier hope and Walter

Cronkite I'd like to have him terminated

terminate oh no come on yet he's just

starting to cook couldn't we give it

another week no he's out of control and

I want him killed he's not hurting

anybody have you read the newspapers I

never read the newspapers it's

fascinating

his ego is expanding exponentially come

on Carl it's working so well don't even

like this in six months please all right

all right but we have to slow him down a

little Aaron if you got anything I've

been doing some wonderful things with

mice I know you have I'll take care of

it thank you

where were we Oh three before say

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I'd like to see dr. Carl Becker please

you have an appointment do you have a

phone in that thing

please Lisa if I may call you Lisa this

whole thing is just as baffling to us as

it is to you listen I don't know what

you did to that man but he does not come

from out of space

where is he please well I'll take you to

him but first you're gonna have to

change your clothes

it smells like germs Lisa germs you

don't want to be the cause of his death

now do you well there he is Lisa I hope

he remembers you Simon

you have a visitor hello Lisa they gave

me this stuff they said I was contagious

yes human beings are all intelligence to

me is that true oh yes oh it's a very

nice sentiment that must be why you

didn't call me for five weeks

yeah you must have been afraid that I'd

infect you over the telephone no no I've

just been very very busy Simon what

what's going on here what are you doing

this is a an experiment like the tank

you're pretending to be this space

person I don't get it it's not an

experiment it's the real thing

are you telling me that you come from

out of space not out of space outer

space out of space doesn't mean anything

Simon I find this very hard to accept

well you're not the only one I find out

hard to accept myself but you accept it

yes I do I mean the medical evidence is

overwhelming I mean my blood my bodily

fluids nobody seen anything like them

and my memories my god the memories I've

been having and so many other things it

just it all makes sense when you put it

together it's part of the grand scheme

of things the reason for my being my

purpose Who I am the all-seeing eye yin

the yang the hua

do you understand Simon when did you eat

last you know you have serious troubles

with reality Lisa do you know that you I

mean you cut yourself off I cut mine yes

you do

I am NOT sitting in a glass box with

fake hair like some half-baked guru what

is this thing you're flying suits my

garment don't touch it Simon you're a

real person a regular person where's

your red hat I am NOT gonna discuss

complex scientific ideas with somebody

from the music department I was there

during the mescaline and during the

fasting for three weeks on grabs and

earphones Simon they hypnotized you

your friend becquer mr. wizard he washed

your brain and it shrunk

nobody hypnotized anybody I'm the same

person I was except I come from another

planet what planet I know this millions

of them are there is it Venus no it's

not Venus if you must know it's in the

Nebula Orion you come from the nebula

Orion yes I do

how do you know this how does anybody

know anything what do you mean how does

anybody know anything how does anybody

know anything what is this an

intergalactic Tom what lesshan I simply

asked you how do you know you come from

the Orion Nebula I can't handle this I

have a lot of problems and a lot of

responsibilities if you don't like Who I

am then I don't know what okay okay all

right okay okay it's been a long time

five weeks you crazy your body is

crawling with millions of deadly

microbes well why not you join because I

could die in a second that's why Simon

we could all die in a second the world

could explode terrible thing come here

what are you doing I've never made one

extraterrestrial Lisa it's it's

perfectly all right I've been completely

decontaminated and anyway we'll never

actually touch I promise you can't make

love without touching well yes you can

sort of think about it you brought a

thing from highschool stelazine / cotton

Thorazine

strychnine too heavy I could use those

pills and make the might sound like

Louie Armstrong that might destroy his

credibility too obvious I could make his

nose drop off super oak what do you say

to this tomorrow morning he wakes up and

he's very stupid alright go on it's just

something I've been working on it so

Thomas colorless tasteless untraceable

it attacks the cortex and cuts the

intelligence right in half I like it

it's elegant

how long is it effective a week maybe a

month maybe a year one whiff and they'll

both be real docile do you see it cuts

the iCube right in half okay okay we

know ah all right this one this one

feeds only the sterile room nope that

one's the rest of the building

it's anything off camp I can't it stock

oh boy oh boy I don't want to take your

work

Oh Doris what should I do

the gas is drifting around out there

they are going to trace it to me

to us I know about the gas I know about

everything

I'm the world's smartest computer right

yes so you want me to fix it as that

aide Carl yes Doris all right well why

didn't you come right out and say it

well I already called the Pentagon and I

told them there's a little problem with

that extraterrestrial of yours oh really

yes see you just calm down and let them

handle it okay okay Doris you see the

gas is worthless anyway it's gonna wear

off in a few weeks I mean everybody

knows that lithium carbonate becomes

very instant why you looking at me like

that

why are you stepping on me like this you

know I don't want to get into a little

thing now Carl I mean I really don't not

now it's because you're so smart Carl I

can't help it you're so big I know so

beautiful I know it's me crazy

Macross don't touch my yellow you know

Carl you're a very sick person I love

your doors not my wine Carl please not I

mean how many times do we have to go

through this you can't love me I'm a

machine maybe this is just infatuation

call it what you will

let's run away Doris oh that's a low

blow Carl I mean you know I'm bolted to

the floor you know what I'm doing

oh no don't you that girl I'm really not

in the mood I have a headache I mean I

really do have such a headache Karlin

you can imagine how enormous the size of

that headache is you know you like it

when I stroke your power supply no I

really does that's great oh is that

great no car I really don't like it no I

really don't touch that part again I

told you don't call where you going now

no no oh oh Jesus I'm sorry Doris you're

sorry

what am I supposed to do just give me

another minute well I just want you to

know that I feel very used right now

oh don't breathe on me well Simon it's

too late for that

my egg where's my egg I don't know where

do you keep it well on my egg my egg

that I get it I get an egg at 8 o'clock

in the morning yeah well where is it

I don't know I'll find out hey don't

panic and toast toast toast

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take off your glasses tell me your name

you can call me anything you like but

don't call me late for supper

you Becca yes would you mind telling me

just what the hell is going on around

here this is the Institute for advanced

concepts we are a small and non-profit

research group oh that were they they're

my step

I'm the director to whom do I have the

pleasure of speaking pleasure

I'll give you pleasure you pantywaist

egghead Jesus Christ what a mess

army right you're with the army tell me

I'm wrong

Cory Pentagon I have authority to

establish full command here what the

hell happened it's a gas apparently

whoever breathes it loses about a

hundred points of IQ stupid making guess

it makes the enemy stupid seems like it

well where is he where is who

a Martian for Christ's sake he did this

to me he did what release the gas yes oh

yeah that's lovely yes he did very guess

who else

it's a god damn invasion he's very

dangerous you may have to shoot him you

heard him sergeant get on it

he's extremely dangerous take no

prisoners yes sir come on man there's

been a terrible accident we gotta get

out of here very fast okay terrible gas

is escaping some kind of very dangerous

people and your friend back I said it's

your fault that you did it it's got

beyond me here the old army they think

you're an invasion you are a Martian

invasion

and it got orders to shoot and kill

you're happy to the cat lease is

something wrong

Simon listen to me they don't like you

here anymore

so they are going to kill you so we have

to get out of here very no no no no I

can't breathe the air that's got seven

deadly germs in it I knew I shouldn't

have had sex

[Music]

[Music]

Mesa a lady's dancing with a potholder

[Music]

let's hurry will pay for this believe

you me what are you gonna do wreak my

vengeance excuse me I will wreak my

vengeance on them

fine why are you talking like the Old

Testament Dave whomsoever shalt beat it

applause sure into a bullet yay then

shall they know the wrath of my wrath

Corinthians 12 we are in big trouble

they're telling me I shouldn't be

breathing

[Music]

Simon wake up there's people out here

ami no I don't think so

don't be frightened we saw your van you

were sleeping you look cold

we covered you see polyester filling and

the cover wipes clean with a damp cloth

available from Remco hungry we have

macaroni and cheese casserole good ain't

good for you who are you why do you guys

talk like that we live here and follow

the master we have seen you on the

sacred box the sacred box the sacred box

with pictures o television we do not

speak its name

oh no no no these are very good people

what's the name Charles Manson mean

anything we know your Simon from outer

space oh they know who I am

we know of all your troubles but you're

safe here stay in worship with us

[Music]

and Milty begat Lucy who begat Mary who

spun off roader who spun off Phyllis and

after seven years Mary was canceled and

after ten years

Lucy was canceled yay even after 12

years was Uncle Miltie canceled thus are

we all canceled eventually

[Music]

what do you do it for well it's it's a

way of atonement for what before I had

my nervous breakdown I was head of

programming at the American Broadcasting

Company hey come see what's in the back

assignments van oh my goodness what you

know what you've got here what it's a TV

studio hmm

yes sir yeah you see it's a TV studio on

wheels huh

that's guy it's got everything

everything you need for broadcasting

mm-hmm whoever designed this was a

genius see by using the laser

directional transmitting antenna and it

says you can tap into the carrier wave

yeah now if this works you'll be

appearing simultaneously on all three

networks that's more coverage and the

president gets

[Music]

the alien is still at large after his

initial gas attack and the injuring of

46 National Guardsmen at the site of his

escape the Institute for advanced

concepts near Hanover Maine in the

approximately 24 hours since his

disappearance and the release of the gas

virus or whatever it is

dozens of communities in a direct line

between Bangor Maine and Boston have

suffered strange behavior operations as

the population loses IQ

it's assignment I'm broadcasting to you

from a secret location which is

necessary because a terrible thing is

occurred an attempt has been made in my

life by the military yes early yesterday

morning a band of uniformed thugs

lackeys of the degenerate power

structure attacked me in my very sleep

the good and kindly men who helped me

find my identity dr. Carl Becker and his

colleagues were apparently unable to

prevent this despicable and cravenly act

but do not panic I'm unharmed and I'm in

good health I'll continue these

broadcasts every evening at this time so

we can keep up our good work and I

promise you that this treachery will not

go unpunished

certain ones shall be smitten and they

know who they are you deserve justice

you people justice in a better way of

life that's what we're talking about

isn't it who's in charge around here

who's responsible for the Hawaiian music

in the elevators and the paper band

around the bathroom seats in the motels

and the billboards that say lesser races

Schaefer con mucho gusto

where's your pride and another thing I

would like now to talk about personal

style from now on people can wear on

their face either long sideburns known

as mutton chops or a mustache but not

both

punch ups on a mustache look Marana can

they give a country a very very bad

image is that what you want

paintings on velopment ask yourselves

one of the great span of civilization

the drama and the sculpture of the

Greeks the poetry of the Japanese oh boy

are you more so call me cool you could

not gotta come

think about it think about it why are

they keeping these things from you

what of Blake and Verlaine and Giotto

and Velazquez and one of the formula for

Orange Julius

the secret white powder that makes it a

devilishly good drink why is it a secret

I want that formula wake up start using

the right half of your brains you can

move the world with an idea but you have

to think of it first

how the hell did he do that he must have

passed into a carrier wave somehow I

assumed he was on the line watch it

would get rid of that brillo yeah it it

looks ridiculous I assumed he was on the

line for a full saturation you see under

twice I had this truck speak English

would have a lot of people saw it it

sounds like he was pretty angry at you

yeah when I got a flash few fruit head I

don't give a [ __ ] about that the point

is where is he well he could be anywhere

we can't triangulate him until he

broadcasts again Weather Service sir

the cloud is beginning to drift towards

Washington he's got us

[Music]

now therefore thus saith the Lord of

Hosts consider your ways ye have so much

and bring in little ye eat but ye have

not enough he drink but ye are not

filled with drink ye clothed you but

there is none warm and he that honoureth

wages earned his way just to put it in a

bag with holes in it let's say if the

Lord of hosts consider your ways I

called for a drought upon the land and

upon the mountains and upon the corn and

upon the new wide and upon the oil and

upon that which the ground bring his

voice and upon men upon cattle and upon

all the labour of the hands

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

we got the a therefore on the 15th

fighters we do a grid pattern saturation

bombing no no too random okay missiles

right

ICBMs Merv's you got your Minuteman your

Nikes your red stones what have you we

use Boston as a central target level it

if we have to move outward see what I'm

saying a deployment you can't level

Boston it's an American city if we can

take him out it's a small sacrifice one

city well we just can't let him run amok

I don't see that we have no choice why

doesn't he just come out and fight like

a man

because he's not a man he's a thing a

machine he hasn't got your ordinary

human sense of ethics and fair play I

wouldn't want to do anything to get him

angry why not an advanced civilization

general think about it

who knows what weapons they have he

might even try to explode the Sun

explode the Sun but that's against

nature hey you are you coming those

coordinates mister we've got the

position of the van kind of narrowed

down sir yeah it's either New Jersey or

Utah

[Music]

what is my program you asked what is my

plan what is the scheme I will tell you

from now on normal portable radios out

on the street

nobody can name me a child free Moonbeam

sky or rain these are very very silly

loans no member of the government who

gets arrested may write a book about it

for profit I want to talk about these

guys to pull their car into the

intersection before the other side is

clear and then the light changes in the

intersection is blocked let's get on

that right away

$10,000 fine for blocking the

intersection I really hate those guys I

[Music]

don't want any panic no fleeing and no

mass evacuation of the populated areas

remain in your homes do not use the

telephone do not try to communicate with

anyone breathe as little as possible

stay close to the ground do not panic

remain tuned to this station

[Music]

Simon this is Carl Becker I urge you I

beseech you contact me let's talk Simon

let's communicate please call me Simon

at area code two oh seven five five five

8,000 when a woman acts the part of a

man she has the following things to do

in addition to the 9 given above these

the pair of tongs the top the swing when

the woman holds the Lingam in her yoni

draws it in presses it and keeps it the

sinner for a long time it is called it's

a great wonder she wouldn't think of the

nails now at last I can speak to you

beloved brothers an absence of a tear is

eminently distinctive land as promised

crime and punishment

[Music]

Simon how much longer do you think you

can get away with this listen the people

of this world are lucky that I'm in the

midst

[Music]

you are very crazy from low blood sugar

you've gotta eat something contamination

get an egg no look this is machine made

it's untouched by human hands what about

the air you know your breathing that

yes but I'm willing to make that

sacrifice to rid the world of evil men

the army I shall smite them I shall

smite them and they shall be laid low

yay even unto the dust Simon maybe you

should go back and see dr. mednik for a

couple of sessions ethnic med nick is a

fraud he told me I was a lien ated of

course I'm alienated I'm an alien the

initial excitement even exhilaration

which accompanied the discovery of the

alien has now given way to popular

unrest and in higher circles sober

apprehension who is this man

where does he come from what does he

want from us these and other with your

great contribution chaos well it takes

time to change bad habits what have you

changed I am taking common clay and I am

turning it into earthenware vessels let

the whole thing watch my kids alright I

would like you to listen for me now four

major films by the Russian master Sergei

Eisenstein

[Music]

yes and how do you feel about these

films and why because but you don't love

everything that's on the sacred box yes

celebrity bowling yes badly dramatized

English novels yes the commercial for

the vegetable slicer at 3 a.m. yes

everything yes hmm

you like it when it goes home yes you

like junk yes

melody come here now you've been

watching Uncle Simon on television and

you've been listening very carefully to

what he's been saying right so I want

you to dig deep into your heart now and

tell me the most wonderful beautiful

thing in the entire world disco

I don't understand I'm not reaching them

not the real people not the grassroots

who are you reaching fringes weirdos the

paper hat crowd I get my best stuff to

Shakespeare Pogo the prophets maybe they

don't want their lives improved you know

maybe they like their lives the way they

are they like that fake music in the

elevators they like those thin gray

hamburgers with the imitation sauce

Simon you just can't show up out of

nowhere toehold country were to like

emptiness emptiness 10 billion years of

evolution up from the slime for what

they call this a culture I don't think

it's so bad I think we produce some good

things too

oh yeah such as I don't know Fred

Astaire penicillin the air conditioning

you like air conditioning I know that I

don't like it oh come on you'll love it

I don't like are you kidding me the only

man with air condition all right all

right I look good oh please let's just

calm down cuz I really have some news

for you well I have to go make up I'll

make it quick

you remember Tuesday I wasn't feeling so

hot I was feeling very queasy so I

walked into town and I went to the

drugstore to buy this test they had

these tests you can buy now and you do

it yourself and it turned out positive

and so then I went to the clinic because

I had them do a test on me and theirs

was also positive it confirmed if

they're both positive right so it was

that you sick or what no I'm pregnant

are you sure

I guess I'm positive you're not excite

no I I felt it was gonna happen sooner

or later who's the father Simon you're

the father

no that's that's quite impossible why

well you see them from another part of

the galaxy and we're biologically

incompatible different species cannot

mate because that's the law of the

universe but that's exactly the point we

are not two different species you've

obviously been involved with somebody

else but that's okay I've been busy I

understand these things

what who somebody from the music

department mess room flu maybe your nice

guy a little bit

I've ever been involved with it's you

then how do you explain this

you're afraid to face it because it

would mean you're not special anymore

you're not different from anybody else

you're not a toaster you're just a

regular ordinary human being

I have to go broadcast no now just a

minute right now you're gonna stand here

and you're gonna tell me that you

believe in your heart that I was

unfaithful to you that I cheated on you

and then I will go away but you have to

say that first okay come on it's easy

you just say this is not my child can

you say that

can you

[Music]

yeah Cory what just a minute

hello Simon hello call it's been a long

time hasn't it

I would like very much to speak to you

Carl yes here of course what I think

you've made the right decision

I understand I'll be speaking to you

soon Simon thank you goodbye

that's it what he's depressed and he

wants to go home to New York no no home

all right now gentlemen I'm going to go

away now I'm going with general Korey to

put Simon on a rocket ship oh can we go

no no you have to stay here and while

I'm gone I want you to behave no doctor

you cannot go on the rocket ship I'm

sorry now while I'm away I want you to

stay out of trouble remember where you

are gentlemen

Arum I want you to be the monitor okay

Beckett let's go we're pulling out you

know we're a bunch of brainy guys you

sure are some poor pathetic bastards

thank you sir

see you around the campus okay sergeant

let's go

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

good afternoon welcome to NASA this is

the voice of Mission Control we are

t-minus 10 minutes to launch and

Counting and now for your listening

pleasure

Tony Missoula and the orchestra

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

we are t-minus five minutes to watch the

spacecraft

[Music]

[Music]

so we made a few miscalculations I'm

only human

this is way too tight who comes will you

unstrap me where are you unstrap me at

once someone I think you should know

that Cynthia did not find you all that

exciting as a matter of fact Cynthia

wasn't even scientists she was an

unemployed actress son I just wanted you

to know that I just wanted you to know

that cyber please

this is Simon speaking this would be my

last communication until after takeoff

okay Carl keep in touch

[Music]

[Music]

we are at t-minus 30 seconds and

counting

please execute full final check at this

time 6

[Music]

[ __ ]

[Music]

[Music]

after they on Simon & Schuster press

penguin you think they'd give up it

[Music]

Mellon Princeton University Press

Peter pauper press Random House

snob schnapps

Knopf Viking st. Martin's Press

not a bad bunch sweet knops and the

Vikings or are you gonna do it are you

gonna write this book or not Oh what I'm

going to do not write a book it doesn't

go for a walk Oh talk about life and

philosophy huh okay we'll be back in

about a week

[Music]

deducting in ho Tang for his work in

genetics the last and some say most

important prize the Nobel Prize for

Peace will probably go to an American

Simon Mendelssohn whose efforts a while

ago led directly to legislation making

it illegal for anyone to replace the

towels in a public washroom with a hot

air blower package ketchup in tiny

plastic envelopes or commit any of the

petty annoyances which in the

committee's words were slowly eroding

the spirit of a great demon mr.

Mendelssohn believed living in seclusion

somewhere here in Canada would not be

reached

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

you