Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

- [Announcer] Stoic.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

- [Announcer] Entertainment.

(birds chirping)

(dogs barking) (light music)

(muffled children talking)

(medieval music)

(clanking)

- Oh yeah, yeah, Mohammad. - I'm gonna storm your castle.

- [Darby] Storm my draw bridge.

- [Mo] Here I come.

- [Darby] Raid my castle.

Call me your dirty little wench.

(neighing)

Call me your dirty little wench.

- [Mo] Oh, I love you.

- What?

- Take the helmet off. - Okay.

- I said I love you.

- Thank you.

- Thank you?

- Thank you very much.

- That's seriously what you're gonna say to me right now?

- I think love is more of an actual word,

do you know what I mean?

- Put the helmet back on. - Wait.

- [Mo] Just put the helmet back on, let's finish.

- Okay, Mo, let's finish.

(Darby moaning)

(clanking)

- [Mo] Wait, are you faking it for me, what, like, what?

- I'm not faking it. - Okay.

- God. - 'Cause it sounded fake.

'Cause I'm okay being done.

(beeping)

(rattling)

- [Woman] Dr. Bender?

Dr. Bender?

- What the?

- Hm, yeah, we're gonna need to go ahead and sterilize this.

(phone ringing) (whistling)

(gagging)

Just a simple chest infection.

She'll be fine with some rest.

- Oh, that's a relief.

Looks like the Bible retreat is back on, Taylor.

- You know how I love Jesus.

- Oh, a retreat, huh?

Well that'll be nice for you.

A little time alone to yourself at the house, Robin.

(Taylor coughing)

- [Robin] Oh, my God.

- Her symptoms seem consistent with vasculitis;

excessive tiredness, rash under the skin--

- I said she's going to be fine.

She's just a teenager.

They stay up late, get a little acne, that's all.

- Um, no.

I have a very strict skin care regiment,

that does not include breakouts.

- See, that's funny because I happen to see

the beginnings of a giant pimple right there--

- What? (chuckling)

- Darby, can I speak with you

in the hallway for just a moment, please?

- I'll be right back.

- How dare you interpret my diagnosis in front of a patient?

- Shouldn't we at least give her antiinflammatory's?

- Who do you think you are?

- So she doesn't get pneumonia.

- You just follow my orders, Nurse Dickson,

or you find yourself another job.

Hi, sorry about that.

- [Robin] No worries.

- [Dr. Balthazar] Small miscommunication.

- [Robin] Yeah, all right, so everything's fine?

- [Dr. Balthazar] Oh, everything is perfectly fine.

- Great. (Taylor coughing)

- [Dr. Balthazar] I love to do follow-ups,

it's my personal crutch.

- I love it. - Yeah.

(thudding)

(keys jingling)

(beeping)

(suspenseful music)

(pills rattling)

- [Harris] Diagnosing on our own again?

- Well.

When an ivy league ass hat makes

the wrong diagnosis, then yes.

- You know, there are procedures to follow

when disagreeing with a doctor's orders.

- Yeah, well again, I don't follow procedures

when they're wrong.

- Oh, I'm aware, but your patient

has already left with her mother.

- What?

- Yeah, so put the pills back before you get caught.

- Oh, Harris.

Sweet, sweet, cute little, Harris.

You know what? - What?

- You are such a good friend.

- [Harris] Uh huh.

- Which is why you're gonna get me address for that patient.

- Oh, no.

- Yeah, you owe me.

- For what?

- Prostitute at the memorial service.

- Oh, jeez.

- I'm going to pee. - Yeah.

- And I'll be back for that address.

Love you, bye. - On it.

(car engine sputtering)

- Fuck! (light dramatic music)

♪ I'm stuck ♪

♪ Jesus, I'm stuck ♪

♪ Get me out ♪

♪ Get me outta here ♪

♪ Get me outta here ♪

♪ Get me outta here ♪

♪ Turn off my radio ♪

♪ Forget about today ♪

- Jesus was a fuckin' feminist, man.

♪ Whoa ♪

- Yeah!

♪ I am stuck ♪

- [Buskill] Ma'am, can you get out the car, please?

- [Dispatch] Sure, 10 four to five four.

- [Darby] Are you God?

- No, I'm not God, what are you talkin' about?

I'm a man.

- You gotta get me out of here.

- Can you please, no, please don't try to climb.

Nope, just come out.

No, down, down, down, down, down.

Down there.

No, no, no, no, no, no. - I don't do that

with strangers. - No, no, no.

Just there we go.

Okay, I've never done that before to anybody.

Just out the door.

Yep, there you go.

(chuckling)

There we go, we are outside now.

Ooh, have you been smoking marijuana?

- Yeah, man.

I mean, no, Officer Buzzkill.

- It's Buskill. - Buskill.

- Buskill, Buskill, okay look.

My mom was a nurse, so I understand

the long hours and stress--

- You know what I would love right now?

A fuckin' fishwich, man.

- I know doctors can be assholes, you know,

working you all down to the bone.

So I'm gonna go ahead

and let you off on a warning, all right, so.

- Really?

- Yeah, go ahead and get outta here.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

- You're so awesome.

You're awesome.

Hey. - Hey?

- My car won't start.

You think you could give it a little jump?

- Well, you know, if I could go ahead

and grab your bag and we could.

(pills rattling) Uh, what are those?

- Vitamins.

- [Dispatch] I got one identified target--

- Uh, yeah I'm gonna have to take you to jail.

- This judge does not take any malarkey,

so leave all the talking to me.

You got it?

If you have anything to say, say it now.

- Your tits are falling out.

- Oh, you made it and yes, they are.

Great, no come forward.

Yeah, it's like a dinner reservation.

Yeah, if you show up a little bit late,

we'll just, we'll still seat you.

Sit down.

Okay, so I'd like to welcome all four of you here.

Uh, are you lactating right now?

Because I can see most of that nipple.

It's inappropriate, it's harassing me.

So let's get started, shall we?

You're a pothead and a pill thief.

You're my third today.

So, (applauding).

Thanks guys.

(Darby sighing)

What was that?

Did you wanna say something?

- Actually. - No, your honor.

My client has been under a lot of strain lately.

- Uh huh.

- With her job, saving lives.

- Yeah, just like Oprah.

- Why won't you let me help you--

- Enough, please.

Oh, my, oh, oh, ugh!

The last case I had in here,

I sent to county for six months.

Is that what you want?

- No, sir, sir, your honor,

due to the extenuating circumstances.

- The what?

- Extend, (stuttering)

- The extenuating circumstances?

- Yes.

- Do you have some drinks in you?

Are you drunk?

- I had a lisp when I was a child.

- Put it all together and say it normal.

- Due to the extenuating circumstances.

- Stop, life is an extenuating circumstance,

but the real facts on this case are,

she stole prescription drugs and broke the law.

- That makes sense, your honor.

- Now, if I wanted to young lady, I could screw you.

I could screw you so good right now,

your head would spin around.

You would love it.

Like that girl in that movie where she's possessed

by Satan and spinning around and Max von Sydow's going like,

the power of Christ compels you.

The power of Christ compels you.

The power of Christ compels you.

- The Longest Yard?

(gavel banging)

- The Exorcist.

- Thank you.

The Exorcist. - Okay.

- The Exorcist, thank you.

It was a very scary movie, a lot of scary stuff in that.

- Uh, sir. (judge hushes)

- [Judge Lepetri] What was I talking about?

- About how you were gonna screw me.

- Your honor, if I may--

- You may not.

Okay, this is your lucky day, Miss Dickson.

I'm gonna give you an opportunity

to reflect on what you've done.

- Well, I best contemplate when stoned, so--

- Nonetheless, what you do with this gift is up to you.

- What's the gift?

- I'm not gonna put you in jail.

Your lawyer and her team have won today.

I'm gonna put you under house arrest.

- You just sat there and let him sentence me.

- No, Darby, this is great news.

- How? - Because house arrest means

you're not locked in a jail cell.

- You don't understand.

- This is the best possible outcome.

- I don't have a home.

- Oh, wait, a mobile home counts.

- I live in my car.

Do you want the long version or the short version?

- Um, you know that I love you,

but at this moment I love Ricky more.

- Wait, are you kicking me out?

- Yeah.

See ya. - Wait, mom.

(baby crying) Can I just get some money

for like a hotel? - Money?

- No, it's okay. - You really want money?

- It's okay, ow. - Just go, just please go.

- Darby, you left your oregano.

- Oh, shit. - Darby, get out.

- Thanks kid, sorry, sorry! - Get out of here.

- You have a drug problem

and you have got to leave my house.

So maybe you can be out by the morning?

Okay?

(beeping)

(urine splashing)

- Is there nowhere you can go?

- I can stay with you.

- Oh, yeah that's not--

- Whatever. - Dickson?

- [Darby] Yes?

- Come with me.

Hey.

(muffled talking)

- Is it the mustache?

I was trying to grow it in for movember, but.

Yeah, I see you've already got a headstart.

- Current address?

- Listen, I'm gonna save you paperwork, okay?

- 4556 Sarah St.

Is that where you're serving your sentence?

- Yes.

That is where I'm serving my sentence.

Take me to there, please.

(stamp thudding)

(monitor clicking) - This is your monitor.

You are not to remove it ever.

- I wanted to shave my ankles first.

- Removal of said monitor is in violation of your sentence

and will result in immediate incarceration.

- Is the power bun a requirement for your job?

Like lesbianism or?

- Leaving the property is in violation except to attend

school, a vocational program or going to and from work.

- No, no, and definitely no.

- Any other reason is in violation

and we result in immediate incarceration.

- [Darby] So no Starbucks run then?

- Ma'am, house arrest is a serious punishment.

- Netflix and chilling on a couch

for a month is very cruel and unusual.

- This will explain the particulars of your stay.

- Hm, bone right up on that, sir.

Ma'am.

Gender neutral, non-binary, I'm a feminist.

- [Dispatch] 10-20 seven nova by your stop over at Burberry.

(bottles rattling)

(officer groaning)

- All right.

- [Dispatch] I'm adding 17 to control.

- Don't get too comfortable.

I'll be checking up on you periodically.

- I knew you had a thing for me.

I can tell, we have a connection.

- [Dispatch] 3017 and 817, come in.

- Your sentence begins...

Now.

- [Dispatch] I also need a secondary.

Westbound patrol unit in the area of Ventura.

(car engine rumbling)

(tires screeching)

- [Darby] Jenkins, what's the gossip?

Besides me. (dog barking)

(chuckling)

(thudding)

(Darby groaning)

- Hey! - God damn it, you scared

the crap outta me, what do you want?

- You don't live there.

- I do now.

- Hey are you still selling Girl Scout cookies?

- Not to you.

(growling)

That's what you are.

- She's so cute.

(upbeat music)

What is all this crap?

Hey.

I knew I left you somewhere.

That's art?

(water rushing)

(Darby humming)

And we're done.

Come to mama.

Yes.

Yes!

Oh.

(trippy music)

Oh, shit.

(rock music)

♪ Come stare right through the waterfall ♪

♪ It's time we live different ♪

(funky music)

- Can you kick it, Darby?

Yeah, I can kick it.

(humming)

I want you, Darby.

(dramatic music)

(humming)

- They sieged the wrong castle.

(humming)

(dramatic music)

(Mo yelling)

(Darby screaming)

(thudding) (sword clanking)

- Mo!

- Darby? - Oh, my God, you shaved.

- Darby. - Like a lot.

I figured out your bath while you were out.

- What are you doing here?

You scared me half to death.

- Do you want the long version or the short version?

- Is this like one of those home invasion booty calls?

- Wait, when did that become a thing?

- Like, I'm flattered and I get it, you know,

considering our history, but I can't--

- Oh, stop it, get over yourself.

Turn around.

Go on, turn around.

- [Mo] Seriously, what are you doing here?

- Well, remember that time after we broke up and you said

if there ever anything that you could do for me?

- Wait, wait, I did not mean to move back in.

- Relax, it's only for 30 days.

- 30 days?

- Oh, come on, Mo, it'll fly by just like that.

- Okay, no, you need money.

I get it, that's fine, that's fine.

How much, how much do you need?

But you just cannot stay here.

- What, got a girl comin' over later?

What, living here?

- Engaged.

- What?

Mo, we've been broken up like what, two months?

- Eight, yeah.

- Well time flies with a broken heart.

- No, no, don't do that.

You broke up with me.

- And this is exactly why.

You always make it all about you.

- I'm serious, you have to leave.

- Well, I would if I could, but I can't, so I shan't.

- Please tell me that is not some sort of--

- Oh, it's official.

Signed by the court.

There's a stamp and everything, so you know it's legit.

- Oh, my God.

This is so bad.

This is so, so bad.

When Chloe finds out.

- [Chloe] When Chloe finds out what?

(light dramatic music)

- [Darby] Nice to meet you.

I'll be in my room.

Good luck.

- [Harris] Crashing with your ex?

That's crazy.

- Maybe I should have given your address?

- A little crazy is good, no?

This little snit, is it because Mo's wifey to be is so hot?

- Oh, please, she's nothing more than a rebound.

- I don't know.

I saw her Facebook.

Tall, blonde, wreaking of homemaker.

- I know and that's what I don't understand.

Mo used to hate that kinda shit.

- Well, I'm sure Mo said a lot

of things while you were unzipping his fly.

- Harris, patient in 103 needs

his manual rectum disimpaction.

- [Harris] Got it.

- Is that Darby you're talking to?

- Uh, no.

No.

- Keep fluffy at home.

- She misses me when I'm gone.

A furry?

You had to turn me into a furry?

- It's just such a betrayal.

- Okay, oh, so we're back on you.

- [Chloe] 30 days, 30 days.

- (hushes), I gotta go.

I think they're talking about me.

- [Chloe] How could this happen?

- You know, it's Darby,

she always finds some loophole to get her way.

- Not this time, call the courthouse.

Call the courthouse.

Pick up the phone, Mohammad.

Now.

Tell 'em she entered our property without permission.

That's trespassing.

- Guess we know who wears

the strap-on in this family. - She's used our tub.

- I know, honey, but it's after hours.

They're closed for the weekend.

(Chloe gasping)

- First thing Monday morning. - Honey, Monday is a holiday.

- I hate my life.

- Honey, it's just a few days.

We'll get through it, I promise.

- [Chloe] You don't still have feelings?

- [Mo] No, God, no.

- [Chloe] I don't know what I'm thinking anyway.

You'd really leave me for that?

- I love you, we're engaged. - Gross.

- [Mo] Yeah, come here, come here.

Give me a kiss, give me a kiss, I love you.

- [Chloe] You can't find it.

Right there, right there.

Oh yeah, right there.

Don't move.

Oh, that's new.

Where'd you learn that, did you do this with her?

(birds chirping)

(singing in foreign language)

(light music)

- I hate the sleep burps.

(dog barking)

(dog groaning)

(pee splashing)

You little shit.

I'm gonna kill you. - Must be that

neighbor girl again. - You little shit.

- No, I talked to her already.

- [Darby] You little shit, I swear to God.

(dog poop squishing)

Oh, my God.

(Darby groaning)

Do you have a hose?

- So, who is it?

- The neighbor girl. - I need a hose.

Mo! - Go away.

- Hello, Cecil, it's been a long time.

- Dentist.

I always wondered when you would find me.

- [Dentist] You know what has to happen.

Slowly wait this time.

(dramatic music)

- [Cecil] One thing.

Hello, my family, I have nothing.

People.

- Oh, let me guess, bulimic brides is on?

- If we're gonna make this work, you staying here,

we need to set down some ground rules.

- Okay, relax, Bob Saget.

- Who's Bob Saget?

- What?

When Mo was growing up,

Full House was like his surrogate family.

Get the fuck out.

- What? - Manager.

(Darby laughing)

They made you manager!

- Best in Southern California.

- When have you ever wanted to manage anything?

- Can I show you something?

- Oh, oh.

You think I did this?

- Obviously.

(Darby sighs)

- Believe what you want.

(light dramatic music)

- Love you.

- That's what happens when you take ice queen,

you get lots of frost.

Sorry, a girl's gotta eat.

(phone dinging)

(doorbell ringing)

- Darby Dickson?

- Ooh, Joe's!

Dude. - Hm?

- [Darby] There's a slice missing.

- Contents may have shifted during delivery.

- Yeah, right under your face.

- Full disclosure. - Yeah.

- I ate that slice.

- Huh, really? - Yes, but, I mean I can

get you another pie, but there's a whole form

and it's on my crotch rocket out at the curb.

- It's fine, you're saving me

from eating all of my feelings.

- Oh.

(door slamming) Idiot.

- [Narrator] 96% of Yellowstone National Park

is located in the state of Wyoming.

(phone dinging) But 3% extents into Idaho.

And 1% extends in Montana.

In March of 1872, Yellowstone was established

(blowing raspberry) by President Ulysses.

(sirens wailing)

(laughing)

- Just follow my orders.

Who do you think you are?

(coughing) Who do you think you are?

Miss Dickson?

(solution spraying)

(speaking foreign language)

- Nap on your own time, I gotta vacuum.

Get.

- Good, there's crumbs around everywhere.

- Eat my twat.

- I ate already.

(giggling)

Come here.

I thought you never worked weekends.

- Well, the big C called me in,

said something about a messy house guest.

- I'm surprised she used the word guest.

- Bitch forgot to pay me.

- Oh, I'm sorry, that was me.

- You thieving skank.

- Well, I'm a little preoccupied right now.

Don't worry, I'll get you back.

- No worries, I got you.

I know how to get more.

(phone ringing)

- [Mo] This is Mo.

Mr. Mo, I no slave.

You no give me money. - Mi Yung?

- You no pay money, Mr. Mo.

- No, no, Chloe handles the money.

- I no work for free.

You Americans, you so entitled.

You think you can exploit poor immigrant worker.

You no fucking with me.

- No, no, no, no, I'll come back right now.

I'm gonna come back right now and I'll pay you a bonus.

- Okey-dokey, Mr. Mo.

But don't keep me waiting, I hate that.

He's so scared shitless.

- I can't believe you still do that.

- It works. - Yeah.

- I mean, I change the accent every time.

He doesn't know.

When Chloe asked me to clean her oriental,

Mo paid half my mortgage.

- Wow. - So clueless.

(upbeat music)

♪ Ma first asked me when I looked around ♪

♪ How come I haven't seen you in town ♪

- Ah.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

♪ I let him get to me ♪

♪ He don't let me get to him ♪

♪ I let him get to me ♪

♪ But he don't let me get to him ♪

♪ I let him get to me ♪

♪ But he don't let me-- ♪ - All right, let's go.

♪ I let him get to me ♪

♪ He don't let me get to him ♪

(thudding)

- Ow!

- Have you been asleep, daddy?

- Yes, but I'm awake now.

- [Woman] Until you've had children,

you've never really lived.

- [Man] Yeah, but you've never really

lived until you've really lived.

- [Woman] I loved you the first moment I set eyes on you.

(popcorn crunching) - You did?

- Don't you believe me?

- [Man] Yes, that's the awful part, I do believe.

Everything you told me.

About our marriage, our honeymoon, everything.

(pee splashing)

(Darby moaning)

(lid thudding) (zipper buzzing)

♪ I think about why I feel this way ♪

♪ I think about it most every day ♪

♪ I try to change the way I feel about you ♪

♪ But when I try I see that I'm not feeling good ♪

♪ 'Cause I let him get to me ♪

♪ But he don't let me get to him ♪

♪ I let him get to me ♪

♪ But he don't let me get to him ♪

♪ I let him get to me ♪

♪ He don't let me get to him ♪

- So, what are we doing today?

- What are you doing, no.

Look, you don't do that.

- I'm hungry. - Sit.

- Just take the whole cereal.

Just the whole cereal.

- [Darby] Is it like, bacon, bacon?

- Stop, stop. - Help yourself, just.

- This is not a B and B, okay?

(orange juice sloshing)

- [Darby] Someone's touchy.

(Mo groaning)

- [Chloe] Tomorrow, you call the courthouse and end this.

- I know you're here somewhere.

Where, (gasping), oh, my God.

Little ganja, I'm so sorry.

- Hasn't been tended to enough.

- Oh!

You scared the devil out of me.

- I doubt that.

Word on the street is you're leaving us tomorrow.

- I am, apparently.

Wait, how do you even--

- It'll be a shame to see you leave.

- Really?

You didn't feel that way when I lived here earlier.

- You stopping by has been one of

the best things to happen here in months.

I mean, it has been so boring.

Oh, I wanna slit my wrists.

- Don't slit your wrists, it's way too messy.

Plath it.

- Mom, come on, I'm gonna be late for school.

- Please, please, please, please.

You have got to stay.

They close their blinds when they're having sex,

leaving me with nothing.

Waste of a perfectly good telescope.

Please. - Oh, my God, Mrs. Jenkins.

I think you need to go, your liquor cabinet's calling.

- I freeze mine.

You know what?

You lived here a lot longer than that stick figure buzzkill.

That should count for something.

Get in the car.

Get in the car!

- [Sam] Are you sober enough to drive?

- [Mrs. Jenkins] That's what cruise control is for.

- I knew something wasn't right about this.

Such a tasteful home.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- So what's gonna happen to her?

- She'll spend some time in lockup.

Where she belongs.

- I wouldn't be too sure about that.

- Look, Darby, if you need anything--

- Mo, I know what you're doing and stop it--

- All right.

- [Dispatch] 814, here.

(Darby gasping) - Impeccable timing.

- I'm Darby's lawyer, Sunny Shazzy,

this is a stay from the courts regarding

my client's removal from this premises until

it has been determined who is the actual owner.

- Wait, hold on. - What?

- It turns out the house is partially mine.

- My client can provide two years worth

of mortgage payments while she was living here.

- In theory.

- Listen. - Is this true?

- No, she, I didn't have a checking account,

so she was making the payments, but it was my money.

She's been broke as long as I've known her.

- All right, I'm heading out.

- No, please, don't leave her. - No.

- Well, unless she violates the rules,

there's really nothing I can do here.

- [Dispatch] On five, identify.

- Can I walk you out? - Yeah.

- Thank you, Sunny.

- I'll walk her out.

- Just walking. - Let me get that for ya.

- She's getting that for me.

- [Dispatch] Somebody contact 601 30 on 10 two.

- Uh, talk about a stressful day.

I'm gonna go take a bath.

No, no!

- Sorry I'm so much better than you.

- Oh, my God, no!

- Harris! - No, no, no.

Now you're in my way. - Boom.

Nah.

- My God, when did you get so good?

- I've always been this good,

I just didn't want Raymond to know.

- Speaking of boyfriends.

Do you think I made a mistake leaving Mo?

- Oh, God.

Is this like that Stockholm syndrome thing

where you fall in love with your captor?

- No.

I mean, my life has fallen apart since I left Mo,

and he's getting better looking.

- Ew, no, he is not getting better looking.

I promise you, he's not getting better looking.

Girl, you're just man deprived.

- No.

Harris, seriously.

Like, Mo says that everything happens for a reason, right?

So, there must a reason that I'm here.

- Honey, of course there's a reason.

It's called crime.

(Darby sighs)

Listen, Darb, no offense,

but do you really think you can compete with Chloe?

She's like a walking trophy.

- And I'm not?

- No, no, no, look.

If you really think you made a mistake,

then you gotta take drastic measures

to get Chloe out of the picture.

- You mean like kill her?

- No.

Sex appeal, Darb.

You gotta use your womanly assets.

Like, maybe eat less Cheetos,

take a shower, smoke a little less weed.

(light music)

(Darby sighing) - I'll take a shower.

♪ Can you leave us ♪

♪ Now I've been weak ♪

♪ It's okay to feel alone ♪

♪ Every once in a while ♪

♪ I'll say it again ♪

- Well, hello, old friend.

Hey, Mo.

- Hey. - Hey.

You've got a little schmutz.

- Where? - On your butt.

Here, let me just got it.

- I can get it.

- No, it's okay, it's really deep and dirty.

- I just put these on. - I almost got it.

- That's so weird. - It's really in there.

- All right. - I know.

- All right, that's good.

Hey.

You look nice.

Um, I'm gonna go for my run.

So I'll see ya shortly.

(smacking)

(dog barking)

- Oh, hello.

Hope you're hungry.

- Darby, where are your clothes?

- Oh, Mo, they were so dirty.

So I put them in the laundry.

This is all I had left.

Why don't you come sit down, I made your favorite.

Bacon mac and cheese.

- We have reservations.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's our date night.

- Oh, it's your date night.

Mo, Mo, I thought that romance

was supposed to be spontaneous.

Not so predictable and routine.

(suspenseful music)

- Sweetie, sweetie.

Oh, phew.

- Are you okay? - A little hot.

(Chloe moaning)

Enjoy your dinner for one.

- What the?

Who did?

Well played.

(car horn honking)

♪ It's a scam ♪

(beeping) Shit!

Shit, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding,

I'm kidding, I'm kidding, kidding.

Thank God.

What, you've never seen anybody assume the position before?

- No.

- Well, you look like a little trouble maker.

Give it some time.

(scooter engine rumbling)

- So, didn't know if you wanted dainty or hardcore.

So I got you both.

- Wow, the purple butterfly.

- Yeah, I don't know how that works,

but I think you wear it.

- Oh, yeah, you strap it and then it goes like this.

- Oh. - Ooh, and this is

pretty self explanatory.

- Yup, I got the veiny kind.

- Yeah I know and it's got perfect girth.

- Yeah, you just um.

The.

The clerk told me to uh.

He was, he wanted me to.

I told him it was for my girlfriend

so that he wouldn't use it on me.

He was like, oh, here you go.

- [Darby] I'm definitely gonna give you

a better review this time.

- Oh, just the tip is fine.

- Oh, speaking of tips.

Let me ask you a question.

Guys like sex noise, right?

The noises?

I mean, obviously I know that they like sex noises,

but do they look the deeper, (moaning), noise?

Or do they like the When Harry Met Sally

kinda, (moaning), noise?

- They, those are both good.

I personally like dirty talk.

- You're funny.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Oh, shit, I almost forgot.

Here's the receipt for the,

but why don't we call it even.

The piece of pizza for the man dick.

- [Darby] Thanks, sounds great.

- Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

(clanking)

Have a great night.

- Thank you.

Oh, your helmet.

- That's right.

Arrive alive.

Have a good time masturbating.

- Protect your head.

- Take care of your clit.

(Chloe moaning)

- I swear, she wasn't this loud--

- I wouldn't finish that sentence if I were you.

- [Darby] Yes, let's get this party started.

- Oh, no. - Oh, yes, (Darby moaning).

- What? - Our engagement party.

- Oh! - Oh, my God.

With everything going on, I completely forgot.

- [Darby] Oh, yes!

- Everyone we know is coming over.

How are we gonna explain Darby?

- [Darby] Fly, butterfly, fly.

- This is not good for my insomnia.

- Sweetie, I thought we were gonna take

it easy with the sleeping pills.

- [Darby] Oh, my God.

- [Chloe] Four out your ass, Mo.

- Fuck, yes!

Really?

Here?

You're banishing me to the garage?

- Oh, Mo and I think a little distance

will do us all some good.

Plus you'll have a little space to do whatever it is you do.

- And where am I sleeping?

Chloe! - What?

I'm sure it's just wine, Darby.

- Yeah, that's covered in shit.

- A resourceful girl like you, you'll figure it out, huh?

Mo's moved on, Darby.

I suggest you do the same.

(door creaking)

(Darby groaning)

- What happened, are you all right?

- Chloe's trying to kill me.

- What?

- Just help me.

- Help, okay.

- Just help me. - All right, okay.

- Just get it up.

- Okay, all right.

- God.

(relaxing music)

- Out of sight, out of mind only works

if you put a lock on the garage door.

- I'm hoping it doesn't come to that.

- I'm tellin' ya, sis.

It's not this Darby chick you need to worry about, it's Mo.

- You don't know him like I do.

- All men love returning to past conflicts.

It strokes their ego about how memorable their dick is.

- Mo is not like that.

He's-- - Simple?

- Loyal and true. - Aw.

You're forgetting I had two Matts.

- My, God.

The armor, Mo, you still have that?

- Yeah, of course I do.

Why wouldn't I, I love that thing.

- My, God.

Do you remember that one time when we went

to the Renaissance fair and we had that really

big breasted beer maiden that wouldn't leave us alone?

- Yeah, that was like a highlight for me.

(Darby laughing)

Not even just of our relationship, but of like, my life.

- I wish I still had those pictures.

- [Mo] You don't?

- Yeah, I know.

- Here, sit down.

- What? - Sit down.

- Okay.

Oh, my God.

Mo.

I can't believe you still have this.

This is worse than a sex tape.

- What, I thought you liked the Ren fair?

- Yeah, I did, but it wasn't exactly what

I was talking about when I said we should role play.

(chuckling)

- [Megan] Speaking of, are you still doing

that King Arthur shit?

- Yeah, you should try it, it's kinda fun.

- We got a hot game.

- Bang bang knight is hot, but armor's pretty sharp,

so you gotta watch the nipples.

- [Megan] So, lady of the manor.

Where's Sir Mohammad of fidelity now?

- Oh, he's off work today.

So he's--

- Rescuing a maiden from the dungeon?

(suspenseful music)

- Seriously, I can't believe you still have it.

- Why not?

- I don't know, Chloe, and I'm sure she snoops around.

- Oh, no, see that's why I keep it

in a folder called receipts 2012.

- Ah, you sly dog.

Did you ever keep anything from me?

- Um, you know.

I mean.

(light dramatic music)

- Well, at least you're consistent.

- About what?

- All this.

- What, like Chloe and everything?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, no, that's actually, that's called committing.

Which is something that adults do.

- Mm, yeah, but not to your rebound.

- No, she's not a rebound.

- Oh, no?

- No.

- Well, then I say you should prove it.

- Okay?

- I think that you should kiss me just once,

and if you feel nothing then I will never bring it up again.

- I don't think that's gonna prove anything, really.

- No?

I mean, you're always saying

that everything happens for a reason, right?

- Yeah.

- So, there is gotta be a reason that I'm here.

- Yeah, I'm being punished.

- Oh yeah, or you're just being reminded

about how good we are together.

And that you and Chloe.

- Don't say Chloe.

(garage door clanking) - -Feel it.

- There you are.

- Hi, what are you doing home?

- [Chloe] You weren't answering your phone.

- Oh, yeah, I guess it was on silent.

I was just helping Darby get this mattress in here,

so she could sleep in here.

So we're done with that.

So you're good, yeah? - Yeah.

- How was your day, I missed ya.

- I missed you too.

- [Mo] You came back, hi.

- I can't believe it's working.

- Yeah, I didn't think you had it in you.

- Yeah, but here's the thing.

Chloe is the ultimate twat block.

Every time I get close to Mo, she just appears.

She's like a fucking STD.

- Looks like we're gonna have to move on to phase two.

- Which is what?

- [Harris] Instead of building you up.

- You have to tear her down.

- Okay, tear her down like Becky with the good hair.

- Yes. - Yes.

(clanking)

(door creaking) (light dramatic music)

- The accuser becomes the accused.

- [Chloe] Oh, the butterscotch stallion.

- You cheating whore.

Mo, your girl is stuffin' her muffin' with

mystical ponies?

- [Chloe] Almost complete.

- Oh, my God.

This is so much worse than infidelity.

Gotcha.

- [Mo] A sleep walking shopaholic binge eater?

- [Darby] Yeah, she's a real housewife in the making.

- You'll just say anything to cause trouble, huh?

- Yeah, but it's still true.

Mo, she has a sleeping pill addiction.

- How do you know about that?

- What, it's not like I have

any experience in emergency medicine.

- Well, I'm handling it.

- Have you looked in your guest bedroom closet?

- Darby, stop.

All right?

She agreed that she would quit as soon as she gets pregnant.

Yeah, we both want kids, so we're trying.

- Pregnant?

Wait, Mo.

What about you and I?

We almost kissed.

- Almost, almost.

Means we didn't kiss and we're not going to kiss,

so forget about it.

- We have history.

She is nothing more than a Joanna cunt lately.

- We've been together eight months.

- That doesn't sound right.

(door creaking) (light dramatic music)

- If I were white trash, where would I hide it?

(rustling)

(Chloe sighing)

Oh.

Stupid.

Probation office, please.

(muffled dispatch radio)

- [Dispatch] Can I get a stand up.

Sir, that's just Teddy can be on a corner.

- Threw you out, huh?

- Oh, Officer Wheeler.

Yeah, the fresh air helps me feel remorse for my crime.

- That so?

- Yeah, you know, denial to acceptance.

Like a Lifetime movie.

The judge would be proud.

- Yeah, we'll see about that.

It's drug test time.

- Wait, you can just show up here and have me pee in a cup?

- You oughta know.

You boned up on the rules.

- [Dispatch] 673, take one and acknowledge.

- Yeah, let's do it.

Got nothing to hide.

I haven't done drugs since high school.

- You realize marijuana's a drug.

(Darby chuckling) (dramatic music)

After you.

- [Dispatch] 19 at the end of Kay.

- I already peed today, so.

- Take your time.

I'm in no rush.

(door latch clicking)

(dog barking)

- [Darby] What the?

- [Officer Wheeler] Problems?

- Uh, no, no!

Come on, I can help out.

- You know, you're a very lucky lady.

I mean, most people caught with as many pills and you had,

you'd be in a jail cell right now, right?

In which case, you'd be dropping trow right in front of me.

- [Darby] Uh huh.

- I always wanted to work

in a women's correctional facility.

- I saw this once at camp.

So we're gonna do this okay, but you gotta be really quiet.

(dog growling)

That's so good, 'cause you're gonna do this, okay?

(knocking on door)

Here we go.

(pounding on door)

Okay. - Miss Dickson.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah, please open up.

- Oh, shit.

- Yeah, ma'am.

Ma'am, we need it in the cup.

- Sorry, I just sat up too fast.

Okay. - Miss Dickson.

- Okay, okay, jeez louise.

There you go, nice and warm for ya.

Like a fresh baked cookie.

- [Officer Wheeler] Oh.

- It's the iron in my diet.

Keep rockin' that power bun, Wheeler.

That oughta buy me another week.

(car tires screeching)

(medicine ball thudding)

Trying to get pregnant, my ass.

Yeah.

You're gonna mess with the big dogs?

Oh, no.

You don't want me.

I'm like nurse fuck yeah, but worse.

Dammit, I know it's in here somewhere.

(drawers thudding)

Shit.

There is a God.

(Darby chuckling) - You bitch!

- Oh, Chloe, birth control pills

when you're trying to get preggers, huh?

- It's an old prescription.

- From yesterday.

- I don't have to explain myself.

- No, you don't, but Mo's gonna be interested.

- I will keep finding drugs in your backpack.

- Oh, that's fine, I don't care.

- I was in sorority, Darby. - Oh, mm hm?

- I majored in destroying bitches who cross me.

- Oh, and I worked in a hospital where I saw people

mysteriously flat line in their sleep.

Beep.

- Give me the pills and call it even.

- Don't call my parole officer and you have a deal.

- Don't tell Mo and we have a deal.

- Fine.

Here.

Is this a little housewarming gift?

- It's a garage warming gift, yes.

This is a Chia pot and you watch it

grow and then you smoke it.

- Aw ch, ch, ch, choice man.

- Be good to it.

He's my little bud, so.

- Is that his name, Bud?

- Mm hm, yeah.

- You can visit him anytime.

- Thank you.

Is it weird staying with your ex and his fiance?

- Yeah, they don't belong together.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah, he just doesn't know it yet.

- Cool.

Well, you know, love makes you nuts, right?

- Sure does.

What is that?

- Oh, it's me.

I had this pickup at a Korean barbecue

and I guess the smoke got in my pores.

- No. - That smells like kobe.

- No, no, no, no, no.

No.

Mo's favorite casserole.

She's making Mo's favorite casserole.

(door squeaking)

- Darby, wasn't expecting you.

- Doing all your laundry, I see.

- Actually, you inspired me.

When I saw you the other day, I thought wow.

If she has the confidence to expose her body,

I certainly have nothing to hide.

- Well, it's a good thing I'm here then, huh.

- Like Mo always says, there's no such thing as an accident.

- Mm, smells like, Chloe!

What the hell are you doing?

- Making your favorite dish.

- With an extra dash of pubes.

- No, I shaved completely.

- What has come over you?

For the love of--

- Loose lips sink ships, Chlo.

- Here, put this on, put this on.

- So it's okay for her, but not for me.

- Pretty much.

- No, that's not true.

- Isn't it, really?

- Someone's got a Madonna whore complex.

- Darby, stay out of this.

- Sweetie, she just called me a whore.

- Well, actually, that's a psychology term, so.

- It's the inability to maintain sexual arousal

in a committed relationship.

- Believe me, Darby, I arouse Mo in ways you never could.

- I highly doubt that.

Do you do the finger in the--

- Will you shut up?

Both of you just shut up!

Darby. - Mm hm?

- How would you like to join us for dinner tonight?

- Mo!

- Listen, we are stuck together for the rest of the month.

So the least we can do is sit down.

Who's this guy?

- Uh, I'm Kyle.

I should probably get going.

The chicken fingers in my scoot scoot

aren't gonna deliver themselves, so.

Have a lovely evening.

- Wait, why are you gonna leave so soon?

Come here, join the party.

He can stay for dinner, right?

(light dramatic music)

- Well, aren't you two cute together?

Don't you think so, sweetie?

Here I was pitying you for being alone.

We should've done a couples dinner sooner.

- We've been saying the same thing.

- Really? (chuckling)

- Oh, totally.

You know what, you should tell them

about what you do with your job.

- Oh, yeah, this is great.

So it turns out that I can Bogart between five and 8%

of every order and the customers have like no idea.

- You eat your customer's food?

- Yeah, yup.

- How impressive.

- Mm, and you know what.

You could help Chloe with her massive overspending.

- Oh, I'd love to share some tips.

Yeah, I know my way around a tight budget.

- A few dollars.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- [Darby] Really tight budget.

- Really tight.

- Like super tight budget.

- Yeah, that's what we do together.

It's a joke.

- What's the joke?

- The joke is-- - Explain the joke to me.

- Mo, (giggling).

- Am I missing something? - That was funny.

- This is why we broke up.

- I get it, I get it. - Yeah.

- That's hilarious.

- What?

- That art piece.

It's a social commentary on

the total takeover of chain stores.

- No, there's a wonderful story attached to that bottle.

- [Mo] They're not interested, honey.

- It's from the night you met.

- Let me guess, you ran into Spec Solutions

'cause you needed contact lenses?

- No.

- It was just from a party.

It's no big deal.

- But, Mo, Mo, it was magical.

Very magical.

Don't be so bashful, I'll tell.

(groaning)

- Oh, I got ya.

I got ya. - Sorry, sorry.

Hey, you should try the beer.

I put it in the soda stream,

it's effervescent as fuck right now.

- Are you all right, my fair lady?

- Yes, why thank you, sir.

- Oh, I'm Sir Mohammad of Ghorbani.

My last name is Ghorbani,

I don't know if you wanna Facebook me or whatever.

- Maybe.

I can't see you, I dropped my contact lens.

- Oh, uh.

This?

- That's it.

- Here, allow me.

- I can't believe you carry solution with you.

- Oh yeah, I work in the eye industry, so.

Uh, may I?

- Sure.

Ah.

I will look you up on Facebook.

- [Mo] Okay, great.

- And we've been inseparable ever since.

- Hm, was this a renaissance fair party?

- No, it was a--

- You know what, how about you and you,

how did you two meet?

- I ordered a pizza.

- She ordered a pizza.

- How about that. - Yeah.

- Not everyone can have the perfect love story.

- Yeah, yeah. - Right.

- What kind of pizza?

(light dramatic music)

- Five, six, seven, eight.

Barry's Halloween party.

You cheating bastard.

(scraping)

Barry Witner's Halloween party.

(clanking) - Damn it.

- I worked the overnight shift, so you went alone.

- It's not what you think.

- Yeah, I remember 'cause I had a drunken

fat guy vomit all over me.

I spelled of cheap tequila and lime all night.

- Darby, we were arguing a lot.

We had a fight that morning, remember?

- So you slipped in more than just a contact lens?

- No, we never slept together.

Not until you moved out.

- But you were in love before, right?

- [Mo] I'm so sorry.

- I wish you would've told me about

wanting marriage and babies and.

- [Mo] Darby, honestly I think I knew

on some level you didn't want all that.

Well, was I wrong?

- I guess not.

I guess you were not wrong.

Ah.

Well, Sir Mohammad.

Go forth, multiply.

- What?

I mean, go marry Chloe, have babies, all that stuff.

Have little knights and knightesses.

- [Mo] So we're good?

You and me, we're good?

- Yeah, we're good.

- [Mo] Darb.

Come here.

Thanks.

- Anytime.

You've gotta use water for that sword.

I keep telling you.

- [Mo] No, I like spit better.

I told you.

- Most people think that you

just put the bud into the dough,

but that's not true.

Oh, it smells so good.

You gotta make in oil first.

- Oh I know, I wrote the book on getting over an ex edibles.

Just ask my ninth grade home ec teacher.

(blender whirring)

- So good.

- So good. - It's so good.

- [Harris] Well, at least now you know

leaving Mo was the right thing to do.

- But I always knew it was the right thing to do,

I just got confused, Harris.

I mean, being here and assuming we'd think about our past.

- Yeah, I'm like super jealous

seeing him with another woman.

- Oh, okay, Harris.

That's enough.

(timer dinging)

I love that sound.

- Me too.

- Well. - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

These are so adorable.

Now put the apron down and walk away.

- What?

- Put the apron down and walk away.

- But they're best when hot.

- That's not what I'm talking about, Darb.

I'm talking about the self destructive routine you fall

into every time something goes wrong in your life.

- You are really fucking killing my purpose high, man.

- Darb, come on, at some point you're gonna

have to face your life, sober.

- What's the fun in that?

- No, Darb!

Put it down.

- Fine.

I will spend the rest of my life alone and miserable.

- Thata girl.

- 'Cause you hate straight women.

- Yes.

- [Mo] Well you're just making a big deal about nothing.

- Nothing? - I'm sorry.

What, stop, stop-

- Pick a tie! - Honey.

- You dated her. - You.

- [Chloe] You stuck it in a few years ago.

- Oh, my God.

You are overreacting for nothing.

Just ask her.

Ask her what happened.

- I don't need to.

(doorbell ringing)

Must be the caterer.

- Great, awesome.

- Oh, my God, look at this awful kitchen.

And those scrumptious pot pies.

All right, let's keep these warm in the over

until they're ready to serve, okay?

(light dramatic music)

(doorbell ringing)

- Hi. - Hi, oh my God.

- Come here, you. - Good to see you.

Give me a kiss.

And one more, oh it's so good to see you--

- Good to see you, Mommy. - Look at you, so cute.

- Yeah, my boy. - Oh, look how pretty.

- Hey, buddy. - Thank you, it's so nice

to see you. - Come in, hey dad.

Oh, hi.

- [Chloe] The flute player.

We spoke on the phone.

- Prefer flutist.

- Flutist, yes. - Thank you.

- [Chloe] Flutist, flutist.

- Welcome to our engagement part.

Hey. - Hello, my liege.

(chuckling)

How does love fairest?

My lady.

Thou, thou are lovely. - Yes.

- I do hope you invited some other hags

that I might partake in such as this.

- Have a drink, there's some mead in the back.

- Oh, mead, my favorite.

You, wench, get me mead.

- I love that guy. (chuckling)

Giles is the best.

Hi, there. - Hello.

- Nice to see you Mrs. Montgomery.

- Mo, right?

- Yeah, we've met a few times.

- Yeah, remind me of your last name.

- Ghorbani.

- Ghorbani.

Chloe Ghorbani sounds like a brand of hummus.

I just am not thinking that you should change your name.

- It's up to her I think.

- I'll consider it, mother.

(gentle flute music)

- Your Chloe's sister, right?

- Younger sister.

- I've heard some interesting stories about you.

- [Megan] If it involves happy endings, it's true.

- I like to watch.

- Nice.

- It's nothing's official, nothing's happened.

We haven't laid the seed yet,

but we are starting to try to have kids.

- Oh, can I tell you.

- Proud of you, son. - Oh, my God.

- Okay, guys, (Mo hushes).

- Oh 'cause gram. - More Chloe wants to keep

it on the down low until it's like official.

- Oh, oh. - You know?

- Interesting choice of catering.

- What the hell, right?

- Yes, you're just miss independent, aren't you?

- That's actually quite good, mother.

- Devour that pie like you're gonna devour him.

- Like your mother's recipe.

- Some more. - Sweet.

- Thank you, my good man. - You're very welcome.

- No wait, don't go anywhere.

- Nom, nom, nom.

(guests talking over each other)

(upbeat music)

♪ These blues are mine, mine ♪

(knocking on door)

- [Darby] Hello?

(garage door buzzing)

Hello?

♪ These shoes are mine, mine ♪

♪ Won't go back to where they've been ♪

(guests talking over each other)

(laughing)

- My God, I've gotta drop a deuce.

♪ Good with the race in a few case ♪

♪ You don't want to get me ♪

(grunting)

(muffled music)

- [Darby] Hello?

Shit. ♪ I don't ride around ♪

- [Darby] Hello?

Hello.

- Is your mouth here?

No, your mouth here, right?

Why is there crumb?

You wanna see me work. - Duo grande.

- Now scram, you go and fuck the girl.

- Oh, my God.

Skirts on boys.

Dear, I wish you had let me throw this party at the club.

No, uh.

- Cheat day.

- They do such a good job of keeping--

- It is a cheat day, it is a cheat day.

- Flutist, I prefer flutist.

- Flutist. - But I accept tits, tips.

- [Giles] It's something like this.

(giggling)

- They do such a good job of keeping certain people out.

You know?

- [Darby] Hello, can anyone hear me?

Get me out of here.

♪ These blues are mine, mine ♪

- [Darby] Get me out.

Help.

(Darby groaning)

♪ These brains are mine, mine ♪

- Oh, it's turtling.

Oh, it's turtling.

Oh, my God.

Okay, Darby, chill.

Chill.

(gargling)

- Just (popping).

Warming 'em up.

- Here let me get that.

(growling) (laughing)

- Darling, what have I always told you?

- Never sign a prenup.

- No, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

- I think this one does.

- [Mrs. Montgomery] No, your thigh gap will thank me.

- Hi, there's a girl in the water.

- Shut up, mother.

- And, and this,

this is not gonna be this tight forever,

and if you keep eating,

just stuffing your face like a little piggy.

- Shut up. - Darling.

- I'm so sorry, can I steal her for a second?

- Shut up.

Your turn, shut up.

- Shut up.

- Have you seen Darby?

- Why?

- No, I just mean she hasn't crashed the party yet,

and it's kinda unlike her.

- Do I look like my ex fiancee's girlfriend keeper?

- What?

- My ex-girlfriend's fiancee keeper.

- What's up with you? - what's up with you?

That's the question.

- Ow.

(farting)

- Hark!

A toast from our good friend, Mo.

- Okay, yeah.

Gramercy!

Uh, honey do you wanna?

Um, so first of all,

just wanna thank everyone for being here.

A lot of people ask why are you getting married so quickly?

- And to them we say go fuck yourself.

(guests chuckling)

- No, actually we quote our favorite line

from the movie When Harry Met Sally.

- I'll have what she's having.

- Slow baby, slow. (guests laughing)

- No, no, actually. - Me too, mom.

- Actually, mom, the line is - Look at that shiny flute.

- when you decide you wanna

spend the rest of your life with someone.

- Crust.

Just crust is such a stupid word.

- You want the rest of your life

to start as soon as possible.

- Yeah, use a condom.

(guests laughing)

- Can someone tell me what the hell is going on here?

- I'm still on birth control. (thudding)

(dramatic music)

(squeaking)

(thudding)

- [Darby] Does anyone know how to get shit out of armor?

(guests laughing)

- Bitch.

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ And on this farm he had a pig ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ With an oink oink here ♪

♪ And a oink oink there ♪

♪ Here an oink, there an oink ♪

(barking) - Ew, ew!

- There you go, on guard.

- Barry Wagner.

- We were off to a good start. - To hell with you, demon!

- Ugh. - I knew I saw Darby.

You're her queer friend.

- Mo's mother.

- Sam. - What?

Mom.

♪ Oink oink here ♪

- Grandma!

- Alex, go home.

- Yeah. - Go home.

- I seriously hope you're wearing a condom.

- I'm so glad you're here.

- Honestly, I treated that guy for chlamydia last week.

(muffled talking)

- Oh, my God, I never meant for those pies to be served.

- Girl. - Yeah, seriously.

- Okay, what do you want me to do?

- I want you to help me fix it.

- Oh, honey. (flute blowing)

- My God, who's playing the flute?

(man crying)

(muffled talking)

He'll be bragging about these battle scars in no time.

- You actually enjoy ruining my life, don't you?

This is all one big fucking joke.

- Mo, I don't-- - Have you ever thought,

maybe if I change, things will get better?

Have you considered that?

- I'm doing the best I can.

- You're not doing anything.

You're doing the same old Darby shit, as always.

- How about this.

You do you, I'll do me, and we'll leave it at that.

- This is the whole fucking problem.

You doing you is a fucking disaster.

I want you out, I want you out.

That's it.

- Well, I can't.

I still have like-- - I don't care, I don't care

about any of that shit, Darby.

I don't care where you go.

I'm fucking fed up, just get out of my house and my life.

- [Darby] All right.

- Fucking go! - Fine!

- Wait, I thought you weren't supposed to leave?

- Kid, you gotta stop sneaking up on me.

You're just like your mom.

- I'm just waiting for her to come home.

- Waiting for her to come home?

Wait, doesn't she leave you with a babysitter or someone?

That you torture and tie up or something?

- My mom says I'm old enough to take care of myself.

- How old are you?

- 11. - 11?

Well, I guess my mom left me home alone at that age.

I turned out pretty good, right?

I'm just kidding.

Don't turn out like me, I turned out very bad.

Bad.

- So, where are you going?

- Um, county jail, most likely.

If they can catch me.

- Why?

- Well, you were right.

I do not live here.

And the people that do, don't want me here.

So, I am gonna go.

- When my mom doesn't want me around,

I camp in the backyard.

I have a sleeping bag in my garage if you want it.

- Tell me more about this sleeping bag.

And if you tell anybody that you saw me cry,

I swear to God, I'll kill you.

(Alex giggling)

- [Alex] I won't.

♪ I'm not giving up ♪

♪ I've longed long enough ♪

♪ Tell me what's just ♪

- Oh, come on!

♪ One more day ♪ - Really?

♪ It's not a cure ♪

- [Darby] Shit.

♪ While I'm stuck ♪ - Come on, Darby

♪ With me for good ♪

- [Mo] Pill popping shopaholic.

(light dramatic music)

(Chloe groaning)

- I didn't mean for it to get so out of control.

- The party full of stoners or your pill popping?

- Both?

- I mean, I should have known that with everything

goin' on you'd get all stressed out.

I just thought that you getting pregnant

would actually make the pills stop, you know?

That I thought a baby would make things better.

- I did want a baby.

- [Mo] And then what changed?

- I don't wanna get fat before the wedding.

I know that sounds stupid.

I like my body the way it is.

I know you do too

- Yeah, I do.

And I would like it another way

and no matter what I like, it doesn't matter.

- Can't we just be like young and free

and have fucking hot people sex for

like two seconds before we? - Yes, yes, if that's what

you want, then fine.

If that's what you want, then fine.

Just talk to me.

Look at me.

Whatever you want is fine.

- Okay.

- Can we kiss?

- [Chloe] Thank you.

(water trickling)

(phone dinging)

(dramatic music)

(Darby crying)

- What do you think happened?

- God knows.

- She's been out there all night.

You should go get her.

- You sure?

- I'll make up the guest room.

(Mo sighs)

(Darby sobbing)

- Darby, Darby, come inside.

Darby let's go.

Come on.

Darby, let's go. - Oh, no.

- No, you can come in.

It's okay, it's fine. - No, I don't want you.

- Come inside. - No.

- Darby, Darby. - Mo, no!

- Come on. - I don't need your help.

- Fine, what do you need, what do you need?

- I need you to hold me responsible.

- Darby, that's something you gotta do for yourself.

Come on, come inside, please.

Dry off.

- No, it's okay.

I'm gonna be responsible.

But thank you.

And thank Chloe.

I'm gonna be okay.

I am, I'm gonna be okay.

- Yeah.

(dog barking)

- Give it back, guys, guys.

- Four eyes. - Ha, you can't get them.

(kids chuckling)

- Come on, loser. - Zack, I need my glasses.

You guys, - Jump.

- I can't see without them.

- Come on, throw 'em here.

Isn't that fun? - Yes, now give 'em.

- Ha ha.

- Oh, my gosh, just give them to me.

- I got 'em. - Come on, loser.

- Give 'em to me.

- Hey, need these? - Yeah.

- [Alex] Give it back, you guys I'm serious.

- Hey! - Grab 'em, come on.

- You little shit, what are you doing?

(thudding)

- Hey, someone go get her mom.

- [Boy] I don't know what to do.

Come on, do something.

(beeping)

- You, give me your shirt.

Give me your shirt, give me your shirt, give me your shirt.

She's having an epileptic seizure.

Okay, okay.

God, please if you are there, please.

It's okay.

Alex? - Yeah?

- Alex?

Hey, hey.

Hey, you okay?

You okay?

Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, okay?

Hey, you okay? - Yeah.

- Did you forget to take your medication?

- Yeah.

- [Darby] Will someone go get her mom?

- She's so weird. - Get outta here!

Oh.

Oh, that was pretty scary, huh?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Thank you.

Your ankle's beeping.

- It is, huh?

- I'm glad you had a kickass time, Nanna,

but it was not our intention to drug everyone at the party.

Oh, you want the same pies at the wedding reception?

(sirens wailing)

Uh, let me call you back, Nanna.

- [Dispatch] 18 patrol pulled at 36,

six seven, 10 one and acknowledge.

- [Alex] You can't arrest her.

- Yeah, sorry kid, she broke her probation.

All right? - It's all right, Alex.

- [Chloe] But, she saved her life.

- Yeah, ma'am, it doesn't concern you, all right?

- Turn around, kids.

Turn around.

You let her go now or I will bring a world

of hurt down on you like you won't believe.

I was in a sorority, don't test me, bitch.

Three words, Kappa Kappa Gamma.

- [Boy] Let her go, she saved her life.

- [Alex] Please just let her go, come on.

- Let her go.

- [Officer Wheeler] Get out of my car.

Get out of the car!

(Chloe sighing)

- [Dispatch] Sorry in respect to about

that job that started on South Hampton.

(car beeping)

- Eight days.

Plenty of time for a screw up.

(tires squealing)

- [Girl] Come on guys, let's get our--

- Hey. - Okay.

- Thank you for what you did back there.

- It's no big deal.

- [Darby] Not a lot of people would have done it.

- [Chloe] You've been through enough, Darby.

- Mo is lucky to have you.

- Do you need anything?

- [Darby] I'll be fine.

- Let me know, okay? - Okay.

(upbeat music)

♪ I keep a list of all the mistakes I've made before ♪

♪ So I try, but I lie and I can't ♪

♪ So I live by the end of giving to much ♪

♪ 'Cause I know that I had to feel your heart ♪

♪ But I need you to let go ♪

♪ I need to let go ♪

♪ All of the shit that I don't wanna see ♪

♪ Yeah, they want me to care ♪

♪ But want me to give, but I won't ♪

- I can be the best me.

♪ Oh, 'cause I know that in my head I feel your heart ♪

♪ But I need you to let go ♪

♪ I need to let go ♪

♪ I've gotta let go ♪

♪ I've gotta let go ♪

♪ I've gotta give up ♪

♪ I'm still a grown up ♪

- Give kale a try.

- I think I have funny onions in my crotch rocket.

- If you wanna hang, this is the price of admission.

Oh, my God, you didn't die.

- What?

Oh, do you wanna catch a flick tonight?

- I mean, I can't, A.

And B, I'm really not in the mood.

- Oh, do you wanna rant about Mo some more?

That's fun.

- No, I'm over that.

- Okay, really?

- Yeah. - Oh, that's healthier.

That's good, yeah. - Yeah.

I actually think I'm gonna head in.

(Darby clearing throat)

- Oh, sleep, yeah it's good. - Yeah.

- It's a good thing.

Are you okay, you seem different?

- I'm just figuring some stuff out.

- I'm coming by too often, aren't I?

- Why do boys always think this?

No, it has nothing to do with you, I promise.

- My mommy loves me.

- Yeah, okay.

Leave the bowl when you're done.

- I'm not gonna finish these.

- Good night. - Great night.

Hey, kid, what's that for?

- It's for Darby to sleep in.

- [Harris] This is drill, E.R. on a Saturday night.

(kids groaning) 30 seconds, go.

- My sword. - Gonna die.

- Save 'em. - I'm gonna die.

- Oh, God, it's inside.

- It's gonna sting. - Oh, my spleen.

- You can't cut off his leg.

- Definitely my spleen. - I'm saving the leg.

- Darb. - Help, help over here.

- Mayday! - Help over here, please.

- I'm so sorry. - 20 seconds left.

- Oh, God!

- Prioritize me. - Okay.

- Bandage her up and shove it back in her face.

- What? - Shove the eye

back in the face.

- Prioritize me. (kids groaning)

- [Alex] I'll never see again.

- [Boy] Never have I been I more pain.

- Okay. - Him, get to him.

This one with the sword.

The sword, right there. - Not like that.

Not like that. - Record time.

- [Darby] God, how'd I do?

- Still a little bit slow with girl with eye hanging out,

but she's all right. - I already popped her

eye back in. - Didn't do it

quite good enough, but. - No, I popped her eye

back in like a boss.

Like a boss, eye poppin' back in, bitch.

- Good. - No doubt.

- I did it. - No doubt.

- Can you see?

- Everyone in your place. - No, boo.

Places, back in place.

(kids groaning)

This is not how it's supposed to go.

- Run a mile without stopping.

Check, hm, half-check.

Detox for a day.

Check.

Catch up with current events.

Half a check.

Meet Oprah.

Definitely need to do that.

(gate creaking)

- Surprise delivery.

- Hey, that's my line.

- What are you guys doing here?

- Well, my pal Alex and I thought

that you could use some new digs, so (humming).

- You didn't have to--

- Well, we wanted to.

- Come on in. - Oh, thank you.

- [Alex] So you gonna give us the grand tour?

- [Darby] Yes, please.

My fair lady.

- Wow, this thing's enormous.

- [Darby] Isn't it huge?

- Hello, hello, hello.

This is great, can you give us a tour of the mansion--

- Absolutely.

- Of the estate-- - So, this over here

is the east wing.

- Oh, the eastily wing. - Yes, the eastily wing.

This is my realtor.

- Oh, hello.

An excellent job.

What were you looking for on the market?

- I was looking for something airy.

- And something you couldn't stand up in.

- Exactly, because why stand up.

When you can sit down. - When you can sit down.

- Exactly. - Yes.

- Exactly. - Exactly.

- No, but seriously, thank you.

- It was my pleasure.

- [Kyle] You know what they say.

- What?

- A house isn't a home unless you build

a fire and eat marshmallows.

(Darby gasping)

(light music)

- I'm not even gonna ask how you got all of this stuff.

- Good, probable deniability.

- Your marshmallow's on fire.

- Huh?

- Your marshmallow is on fire.

- Oh, I know.

- Wait, what are, what are you doing?

- I'm trying to eat the, eat it on fire to impress you.

(giggling)

I'm too nervous.

I did it.

- You did do it.

How was it?

- Good. - Yeah?

♪ You make it true ♪

♪ It's just the things you do ♪

♪ You make it true ♪

♪ It's just the things you do ♪

♪ You make it true ♪

- Did you actually set me up?

- What's my name, tell me my name?

What's my name, say it? (humming)

I'm not a delivery guy, I have a name, and say it.

That's right, it's Kyle.

- Yeah, it's Kyle.

It's Kyle.

- Top three TV shows from the '90s.

Ready, one, two, three, go.

- 90210. - Totally.

- Melrose Place. - Okay.

- Step by Step. (Kyle gasping)

- Step by Step?

(whistling)

- Livin' in the backyard, huh?

Happens to be a violation of your parole.

- Come again?

- The rules state that the confinement must occur within

deemed property lines. - Deemed property lines, yeah.

I know, Officer Wheeler, but there's no mention

of restriction within said residence.

'Cause it says here, by law, a court construes ambiguous

terms against the drafter of the agreement.

Which for all intensive purposes, is you.

I read up.

- The court also construes cheating

on a drug test to be very serious and your urine

is consistent with a canine, terrier to be exact.

Thoughts on how that might occur?

- As a nurse, sample contamination happens a lot.

- Which is why we always re-test.

- Mm hm.

- But this time, I'll be with you in the bathroom

in case anything illegal happens.

- Great, let's just get this goin' then.

(Darby sighing)

Ooh, a little on my ankle.

Okay, ah.

Here you go, Officer Wheeler.

Nice and fresh for ya.

- Yeah.

- Have a good day.

- Hm, Dickson, Darby.

- [Dispatch] Safe on all roads.

- [Dispatch] South 180's closed 16 down Dorado.

(light dramatic music)

(Darby sighing)

(Darby giggling) (upbeat music)

- I can give you a ride.

- No, it's okay, I have.

- Get in, skank.

I got places to go.

- Ah.

I see you with your glow up.

Bye guys.

- [Mo] What happened to her accent?

- It's not enough to serve out your sentence, Miss Dickson.

I need to see remorse.

I need to see a true change in attitude.

- Oh, it is all there, your honor,

and Miss Dickson has been going back to school

and she's going to finish her medical degree.

- Stop talking.

It's impressive, but I would like to hear from her, myself.

- Yes, sir.

- Do you honestly think you've been rehabilitated?

- Rehabilitated?

It's just a bullshit word, so go on.

Stamp your form and stop wasting my time because--

- I don't give a shit.

Red from Shawshank Redemption.

One of my favorite films.

I knew I liked you Miss Dickson.

- I like that one, too.

- Oh, stop with the ass smoke, I am not chimney.

- Right, okay.

- Ugh.

- Your honor, I am fully aware of the consequences

of my actions and over the last 30 or so days,

I have seen that I need to take responsibility for my life.

So there will be no more trouble from me.

- You know, I'm really glad to hear that, Miss Dickson.

You've really changed.

Inward and outwardly.

I mean, before you came in here looking like a sack of shit,

and I don't use that as just a phrase.

I mean, I really thought, oh, look at that,

it's a bunch of human waste.

Now, you look incredible.

- Thanks.

- It's funny when you sit next to your lawyer,

who looks like she's escaped from a circus.

I'm talking to you.

That said, after all this.

(banging)

Life without parole.

I'm joking, absolute discharge.

(upbeat music)

- [Darby] Spank you.

- You.

This malpractice suit is your fault.

- I'd advise you not to talk.

- I had nothing to do with that bitch getting pneumonia.

- Darby, no.

- I always knew you were a weak little monkey shit.

- Oh, go ahead, yeah.

- I always knew you were a ballless prick.

(groaning) - Mm hm, mm hm.

That was earned. - Oh, right in the jewels.

- [Sunny] You didn't see anything.

Nothing. - Darby, shit.

- I told you not to talk.

- Slide over, I'm driving.

- [Kyle] So how'd it go?

- Free and clear.

- That's hot.

- No, I'll tell you what's hot.

So, what's for dinner?

- You like mongolian food?

- Yeah, why did someone cancel an order?

- No, it's this great place I'm been dying to take you to.

I thought we'd go.

- Wait, you mean like paying?

- Yeah, like, take you out like on a date.

- No.

(car engine rumbling)

I'm gonna take you out.

(light music)

- [Man] One, two, three, four.

(rock music)

♪ Go ahead ♪

♪ Take a sip ♪

♪ 'Cause we ain't got the pain to take no saintly trip ♪

♪ Go ahead ♪

♪ Make a fuss ♪

♪ 'Cause you know you get away with way too much ♪

♪ The seed you planted in your bed ♪

♪ Turned to little bombs in my head ♪

♪ I wouldn't worry like you said ♪

♪ About the little bombs in my head ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ Go ahead ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm gonna blow ♪

♪ For the way you dance around ♪

♪ The little swimming pool ♪

♪ The seeds you planted in your bed ♪

♪ Turned to little bombs in my head ♪

♪ I would worry, like you said ♪

♪ About the little bombs in my head ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ The seeds you planted in your bed ♪

♪ Turned to little bombs in my head ♪

♪ I wouldn't worry like you said ♪

♪ About the little bombs in my head ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪

♪ Little, little bombs ♪