All language subtitles for High.Fidelity.2000.720p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.AM]-English

Oh, yeah

Oh

You gotta wake up one mornin'
As the sun greets the dawn

You're gonna wake up one mornin'
As the sun greets the dawn

You didn't realize

You didn't realize

Oh, you're my best friend, baby

You're gonna miss me, baby

What came first?

The music or the misery?

People worry about
kids playing with guns,

or watching violent videos,

that some sort of culture of violence
will take them over.

Nobody worries about kids listening
to thousands, literally thousands

of songs about heartbreak, rejection,

pain, misery and loss.

Did I listen to pop music
because I was miserable?

Or was I miserable because
I listened to pop music?

You don't have to go this second.

- You can stay until whenever.
- No.

We've done the hard part now,
I might as well just...

Stay for tonight, then.

Laura.

You're just gonna...

My desert island, all-time top five

most memorable breakups,
in chronological order

are as follows,

Alison Ashmore, Penny Hardwick,

Jackie Alden, Charlie Nicholson
and Sarah Kendrew.

Those were the ones that really hurt.

Can you see your name
on that list, Laura?

Maybe you'd sneak into the top 10.

But there's just no room for you
in the top five. Sorry!

Those places are reserved for
the kind of humiliation and heartbreak

you're just not capable of delivering.

If you really wanted to mess me up,

you should have gotten to me earlier!

Which brings us to number one
on the top five all-time breakup list,

Alison Ashmore.

One moment they weren't there,

not in any form
that interested us, anyway,

and then the next,
you couldn't miss them.

They were everywhere.

And they'd grown breasts.

And we wanted...

Actually, we didn't even know
what we wanted.

But it was something interesting.

Disturbing, even.

My relationship with Alison Ashmore
lasted for six hours,

the two hours after school,
before The Rockford Files,

for three days in a row.

But on the fourth afternoon...

Kevin Bannister.

Slut.

It would be nice to think that
since I was 14, times have changed.

Relationships have become
more sophisticated.

Females less cruel.

Skins thicker.
Instincts more developed.

But there seems to be
an element of that afternoon

in everything
that's happened to me since.

All my romantic stories are
a scrambled version of that first one.

Number two on the top five
all-time breakup list

was Penny Hardwick.

Penny was great looking,
and her top five recording artists

were Carly Simon, Carole King,
James Taylor, Cat Stevens

and Elton John.

I remember when rock was young

Erin! No, come here!

Holdin' hands
and skimmin' stones

She was nice.

Nice manners, nice grades,
nice looking.

She was so nice, in fact,
that she wouldn't let me put my hand

underneath or even on top of her bra.

Attack and defense.
Invasion and repulsion.

It was as if breasts were
little pieces of property,

that had been unlawfully annexed
by the opposite sex.

They were rightfully ours,
and we wanted them back.

Sometimes I got so bored
of trying to touch her breast

that I would try to touch her
between her legs.

It was like trying to borrow a dollar,
getting turned down,

and asking for 50 grand instead.

I wasn't interested in
Penny's nice qualities, just breasts.

And therefore, she was no good to me.

What's the point?
It never goes anywhere.

Rob?

I started dating a girl
who everyone said

would give it up and who didn't,

and Penny went with this asshole
named Chris Thompson,

who told me he had sex with her
after something like three dates.

I own this store
called Championship Vinyl.

It's located in a neighborhood

that attracts the bare minimum
of window shoppers.

I get by because of the people
who make a special effort to shop here.

Mostly young men

who spend all their time
looking for deleted Smiths singles

and original, not re-released,
underlined, Frank Zappa albums.

Fetish properties are not unlike porn.

I'd feel guilty taking their money,
if I wasn't,

well, kind of one of them.

- Morning, Dick.
- Oh, hi. Hi, Rob.

Have a good weekend?

Yeah, okay.

I found the first Licorice Comfits
album over at Vintage Vinyl.

The one on Testament of Youth.

Never released here,
a Japanese import only.

Great. Great.

- I'll tape it for you.
- No, that's okay. Really.

You liked their second one, you said.
Pop, Girls, etc.

That's the one
with Cheryl Ladd on the cover.

Oh, you never saw the cover, though.
You just had that tape I made you.

Yeah, I haven't really
absorbed that one yet.

Well...

- I'll just make it for you.
- Okay.

Dick, what's this?

It's the new Belle and Sebastian.
You like it?

Holy Shiite. What the fuck is that?

It's the new Belle and Sebastian...

It's a record we've been listening to
and enjoying, Barry.

Well, that's unfortunate,
because it sucks ass.

Yours, I assume?

Mmm, yeah

I used to think
maybe you loved me

Now, baby, I'm sure

Turn it off, Barry!

And I just can't wait till the day

- It won't go any louder.
- Turn it off!

Now every time
I go for the mailbox

I hold myself down

'Cause I just can't wait
till you write me or

Okay, buddy. Uh...

I was just trying to cheer us up.
So, go ahead.

Put on some old sad bastard music.
See if I care.

I don't want to hear
old sad bastard music, Barry.

- I just want something I can ignore.
- Here's the thing.

I made that tape special for today,

my special Monday morning tape
for you, special.

It's fucking Monday afternoon!
You should get out of bed earlier.

Come on, dude.

Play it. Don't you want
to hear what's next?

- What's next?
- Play it!

Say it.

Little Latin Lupe Lu.

Mitch Ryder & The Detroit Wheels?

No!

- The Righteous Brothers.
- Well, never mind.

No, not "never mind." Tell me right now.

What's wrong with
The Righteous Brothers?

Nothing, I just prefer the other...

Bullshit!

How can it be bullshit
to state a preference?

Since when did this store
become a fascist regime?

Since you brought that tape in.

Oh, man, that's great!

That's the fun thing
about workin' in a record store.

You get to play crappy pap
you don't even want to listen to.

I thought this tape was gonna be

a fuckin' conversation stimulator, man!

I was gonna ask you for your top five
records to play on a Monday morning.

- You just had to fuckin' ruin it.
- We'll do it next Monday.

No! I wanna do it now!

I can't fire them.

I hired these guys
for three days a week

and they just started showing up
every day, that was four years ago.

Number three in the top five
all-time breakup list?

Charlie Nicholson.
Sophomore year at college.

Whoo! Am I glad that's over.

As soon as I saw her,
I realized she was the kind of girl

I'd wanted to meet ever since
I was old enough to meet girls.

I mean, she was different.

She was dramatic,
and she was exotic.

And she talked a lot,
and when she talked,

she said remarkably interesting things
about music, books, film and politics.

And she talked a lot.

Have you ever seen him
less than 300 feet tall?

- No.
- Huh? No.

And you won't, will you,
sweetheart? No.

Kiss my neck. Yeah.

And she liked me.
She liked me. She liked me.

At least, I think she did.

- Do you like that one?
- Yeah.

It's okay.

We went out for two years.

And I never got comfortable.

Why would a girl, no,
a woman like Charlie go out with me?

I felt like a fraud.

I felt like one of those people
who suddenly shave their heads

and said they'd always been punks.

I was sure I'd be discovered
at any second.

And I worried about
my abilities as a lover.

And I was intimidated by other men
in her design department

and became convinced she was
gonna leave me for one of them.

Then she left me for one of them.

The dreaded Marco.

Charlie! You fucking bitch!
Let's work it out!

Just open the fucking door. Charlie!

Look, let's talk it...

And then I lost it.

Kinda lost it all, you know?

Faith, dignity, about 15 pounds.

When I came to, a few months later,

I found, to my surprise,
I had flunked out of school.

Started working at a record shop.

Some people never got over 'Nam,

or the night their band
opened for Nirvana.

I guess I never really got over Charlie.

But the thing I learned
from the whole Charlie debacle

is that you gotta punch your weight.

You see, Charlie, she's out of my class.

She's too pretty.
Too smart. Too witty. Too much.

I mean, what am I? I'm a middleweight.

Hey, I'm not
the smartest guy in the world,

but I'm certainly not the dumbest.

I mean, I've read books like
Unbearable Lightness of Being,

and Love in the Time of Cholera.

And I think I've understood them.
They're about girls, right?

Just kidding.

But I have to say,

my all-time favorite book
is Johnny Cash's autobiography,

Cash by Johnny Cash.

- Championship.
- Hi.

Hi.

Um...

I was thinking
I could come by the house

and pick up some stuff
while you're at work tomorrow.

While I'm at work. While I'm at work.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy.

That's what you've got to say,
is "Oh, boy," and "Bravo."

- Laura, this is just so dumb.
- Look, Rob, I gotta go.

I'm looking for a record
for my daughter for her birthday.

I Just Called to Say I Love You.
Do you have it?

- Yeah. We have it.
- Great. Great.

- Can I have it, then?
- No. No.

- You can't.
- Why not?

It's sentimental, tacky crap.

Do we look like the kind of store that
sells I Just Called to Say I Love You?

- Go to the mall.
- What's your problem?

Do you even know your daughter?
There's no way she likes that song.

- Oh, is she in a coma?
- Oh, okay, buddy.

I didn't know it was "Pick On
the Middle-Aged Square Guy" Day.

My apologies. I'll be on my way.

Bye-bye.

Fuck you.

Nice, Barry. Really, really nice.
It was top class.

Rob, "Top Five Musical Crimes

"Perpetrated by Stevie Wonder
in the '80s and '90s." Go.

Sub-question, is it, in fact, unfair

to criticize a formerly great artist
for latter-day sins?

Is it better to burn out
than to fade away?

- Barry, I'm fucking broke, man.
- He was gonna buy one record

which we didn't have,
and then leave and never come back.

That's not the point.
What did he ever do to you?

He offended me with his terrible taste.

It wasn't his terrible taste.
It was his daughter's.

Are you defending that ass-muncher?
Come on, Rob.

You're goin' soft in your old age. Jesus.

Now, all of a sudden
I'm offending your golf buddy.

I'm gonna tell you something
for your own good, pal.

That's the worst fuckin' sweater
I've ever seen. It's a Cosby sweater.

A Cosby sweater!

Did Laura let you leave
the house like that?

- Fuckin' asshole.
- Hey, hey!

- Will you shut up? Will you?
- Break it up.

You're a fuckin' maniac. I swear to God.
If you tore this thing,

it's vintage,
and I will fucking sock your nose.

You'll pay big.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Look, Dick. Laura and I broke up.

She's gone. So if we ever see
Barry again, you can tell him that.

Oh, of course I will, Rob. No problem.

No problem at all.

I'll tell him next time I see him.

Definitely.

I've got some other stuff
to tell him anyway, so it's no problem.

I'll just tell him, you know, about Laura,

then, when I tell him the other stuff.

Mmm.

Do you want to talk about it?

That kind of thing?

No. Thank you, though, Dick.

Thank you.

Look at these.

I used to dream I'd be surrounded

by exotic women's underwear
forever and ever.

Now I know they just save
their best pairs

for the nights they know
they're gonna sleep with somebody.

Hello, Laura, this is your mother.

Your father's angina
is a little rough today.

I thought he might like
to talk to you. It's no big deal.

I love you two. Bye-bye.

Anyway, me and Charlie,
we didn't match.

Marco and Charlie matched.

But me and Sarah, number four
on the all-time list, we matched.

She'd just been dumped
by some asshole named Michael.

I mean, Michael was such an asshole.

I'd just been run over by Charlie.

I know exactly what you mean.

I mean, it's just so painful.

And draining. I'm just gonna be
by myself for awhile.

Me, too. Me, too.

It made sense to pool our
collective loathing for the opposite sex,

and while we were at it,

we get to share a bed with somebody
at the same time.

We were frightened of being left alone
for the rest of our lives.

Only people of a certain disposition

are frightened of being left alone
for the rest of their lives at 26.

We were of that disposition.

- So, when she told me...
- I met someone else.

- Who?
- Just someone else.

...it was contrary
to the whole spirit of our arrangement.

So, how come I got dumped?

What?

- Hey, Dick, come on in. What is it?
- Oh, um,

well, we're going to Lounge Ax,
and I was just wondering,

if you wanted to come along with us.

Whoa!

Um, Marie De Salle's playing.

You remember
I told you about her today? I like her.

She's kind of Sheryl Crow-ish,
crossed with a post-Partridge Family,

pre-L.A. Law Susan Dey kind of thing.

- But, you know, black.
- Yeah.

So, I just wanted to know
if you wanted to come along.

Barry thought so, too, really,
but I guess it looks as if

- you're reorganizing your records.
- Reorganizing my records.

- What is it? Chronological?
- No.

- Not alphabetical.
- Nope.

- What?
- Autobiographical.

- No fucking way.
- Yeah.

I can tell you
how I got from Deep Purple

to Howlin' Wolf in just 25 moves.

Oh, my God.

And if I want to find the song Landslide

by Fleetwood Mac, I have to remember

that I bought it for someone
in the fall of 1983 pile,

but didn't give it to them
for personal reasons.

- That sounds...
- Comforting.

- Yes.
- It is.

Hello?

Well, shit, I can stick around,
you know, man,

if you want me to help out.

But you really shouldn't
keep them piled like this

- because it gets pressured...
- Hold on. See you tomorrow.

- Oh. Okay. I'll see you.
- Okay.

Hi, Mom.

How's the store?

You're very lucky that Laura
is doing as well as she's doing.

Because if it wasn't for her, I don't
think either of us would ever sleep.

She left. She's gone.

What? What do you mean?

- Where did she go?
- How would I know where?

She's gone. Girlfriend leave.

Not say where gone. Laura move out.

- Well, call her mother.
- She just called.

She doesn't even know. Probably
the last time I'll ever hear her voice.

I'm all right, if that's
what's upsetting you.

- That is not what's upsetting me.
- It fuckin' should be, shouldn't it?

I knew this would happen.
What are you gonna do, Rob?

I'm gonna drink wine.
I'm gonna watch TV and go to bed.

- Then I'm gonna go to work.
- And then what?

I'm gonna meet a girl, have children,
and the next time we talk

- I'll have it all figured out, okay?
- I knew!

- I knew it was gonna happen.
- What are you getting so upset about?

- You know why she left.
- It's got nothing to do with marriage.

- So you say.
- Mom? I'm telling you, for the last time.

Laura didn't even want to get married.

She's not that kind of girl.
That's not what happens now.

Oh, I don't know what happens now.

Apart from, you meet someone,
you move in, she goes!

You meet someone,
you move in, she goes!

Shut up, Mom. Goddamn!

That's some cold shit.

John Dillinger was shot dead behind
that theater in a hail of FBI gunfire.

You know who tipped them off?
His fuckin' girlfriend.

He just wanted to go to the movies.

Is that Peter fucking Frampton?

Don't
Don't hesitate

'Cause our love

Just won't wait

Ooh, baby
I love your way

- Rob!
- What?

I always hated that song.

- Yeah.
- Now I kinda like it.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

She should have done
The Number Four with a Smile.

Wasn't her record called,
Number Four with a Smile?

- That's what I said.
- No, no. You said The Number Four.

There's no "The" at the front.

It's a reference to
a Chinese meal in Toronto.

So I think that there is a "The,"

- but I could be wrong.
- You can be,

and are wrong.

I wanna be with you night and day

I want to date a musician.

I want to live with a musician.

She'd write songs at home,
and ask me what I thought of 'em,

and maybe even include one of our
private little jokes in the liner notes.

Maybe a little picture of me
in the liner notes.

Just in the background somewhere.

Don't hesitate

- So, uh, you live in Chicago now?
- I do.

- Do you love it?
- You should come to our record store.

- Championship Vinyl.
- Oh, my God. You'd love it.

- He owns it. It's on Milwaukee...
- You'll find everything.

- Soul, trip-hop, salsa...
- Ska, techno...

- Will you come? Championship Vinyl.
- It sounds okay.

- Enjoyed your set.
- Thank you.

Why did you tell her about the store?

Oh, man, I'm sorry. I didn't know
it was classified information.

I know we don't have any customers,
but I thought that was a bad thing,

not a business strategy.

Rob?

It's Liz. Just calling to see if,

you know, well, you're okay.

Look, I'm your friend, too,
so I'm not taking sides yet.

Give me a call, okay? Bye.

- Hi.
- What are you doing here?

- Took the morning off.
- Come on, Rob.

Do you still love me?

- Well, it's not really the issue.
- Why? What else is there?

What do you mean? What else is there?

I don't know!

But it doesn't change the way
we don't get along at all.

In fact, I hope we're
not in love anymore, to be honest.

It would give me a better opinion
of love right now.

Did I beat you?
Did I tell you you were a bad person?

I mean, what the fuck?

What should I have done
to make you happy?

Nothing. Make yourself happy.

- Why am I not happy?
- Because

you're the same person you used to be.

And I'm not.

- And all I've done is changed jobs.
- And clothes and hairstyles.

- Attitudes and friends.
- I couldn't go to work

- with my hair dyed pink.
- You're harder.

You haven't changed so much
as a pair of socks since I've known you.

- Come on, Laura, you're being stupid.
- You used to talk about the future.

Now you don't even do that.

I'm all right.
You're the one that hates her job.

You haven't got a clue.

I like my job.

All I'm saying is, you have to allow
for things to happen to people.

Most of all, to yourself.

You don't, Rob.

So what's the use?

Rob! It's your turn.

Okay. I'm feeling kind of basic today.

Top five side ones. Track ones.

Janie Jones, Clash. From The Clash.

Let's Get It On, Marvin Gaye,
from Let's Get It On.

Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit,
off Nevermind.

Oh, no, Rob, that's not obvious enough.
Not at all.

How about Point ofKnow Return
on Point of Know Return?

Shut up, shut up.

White Light/White Heat,
Velvet Underground.

- That would be on my list.
- Not on mine.

Massive Attack,
No Protection, the song is

- Radiation Ruling the Nation.
- Oh, kind of a new record.

- Very... In a minute.
- Excuse me, I was...

Very nice, Rob.
A sly declaration of new classic status

slipped into a list of old safe ones.

- Very pussy!
- Excuse me, I was...

In a minute. Couldn't you be
any more obvious than that, Rob?

How about, I don't know, The Beatles?

How about fucking Beethoven?

Track one, side one
of the Fifth Symphony?

How can someone who has no interest
in music own a record store?

Do you still have that
Beefheart French import Safe As Milk?

Um...

Let's see.

Ah! Yes, here it is.

Yes.

- How much you want for it?
- Uh...

Oh, no. You know what?
I don't think I'm selling it this week.

- Maybe next week.
- Oh, no. You said that last week.

Did I? Yeah, well, I just...

I...

Nicely played.

You know, I don't have that record.
Buy it for $40.

- Rob?
- Sold.

Now, why would you sell it
to me and not to him?

- Because you're not a geek, Louis.
- You guys are snobs.

- No, we're not.
- No, seriously. You're totally elitist.

You feel like the unappreciated scholar,

so you shit on the people
who know less than you.

No!

- Which is everybody.
- Yes.

It's just sad, that's all.

I'm sick of
the sight of this place.

Some days, I'm afraid I'll go berserk.

Throw the Country "A" through "K" rack
out on the street

and go work at a Virgin Megastore
and never come back.

- Hello?
- Hey, Liz.

- Hey, Rob.
- I just wanted to call and thank you

for that message you sent me last night.

It really made me feel
like less of an asshole.

Well. How are you holding up?

Good, good. I mean, look.

Maybe we're just not right
for each other. Or maybe we are.

- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
- Time will tell at this point,

and if it's time to move on,
it's time to move on.

I don't know. I don't want to take sides.

And I like you with Laura.
I think you guys are good together.

And I don't think much of this lan guy.

Rob, Marie De Salle is in the store.

I've gotta go, Liz.

- We should maybe turn off her music.
- I know.

Hey. Like the music.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I can go turn it off if you want.

You might be sick of it.

- You should turn it up.
- Oh, right. Yeah. Okay.

Let me go do that, after I do
something else that I have to go do.

- All righty.
- Yeah, I got the... Excuse me.

What fucking lan guy?

Laura doesn't know anybody called lan.

There's no lan in her office.

She has no friends called lan!

I'm almost certain she has never
met anyone named lan in her life.

She lives in an

"lan-less" universe.

"I. Raymond."

Ray. "I."

Ian.

Mr. I. Raymond, "Ray" to his friends,

and more importantly to his neighbor.

The guy who, until about
six weeks ago, lived upstairs.

I start to remember things
about him now.

His horrible clothes and hair.

His music, Latin and Bulgarian,

whatever world music
was trendy that week.

He had rings on his fingers.

Awful cooking smells.

I never liked him much then,
and I fuckin' hate him now.

We used to listen to him having sex.

Upstairs.

Jeez, he goes on long enough.

I should be so lucky.

It feels so good

You are as abandoned and noisy
as any character in a porn film.

You are lan's plaything,
responding to his touch

with shrieks of orgasmic delight.

No woman in the history of the world
is having better sex

than the sex you are having with lan

in my head.

Oh, baby
Give it up

Ain't no use

Number five. Jackie Alden.

Jackie Alden's breakup

had no effect on my life whatsoever.

It was a casual thing,
and I was glad when it ended.

I just slotted her in
to bump Laura out of position.

But now, congratulations, Laura.

You made it to the top five.

Number five with a bullet. Welcome.

Won't somebody please

Help me with my misery

Can't somebody see

Hey! Do you have Soul?

What this one girl's done to me

That all depends.

Back row, right next to the Blues.

Championship Vinyl.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm interested. Sure.

What's your address?

Hey, Liz.

Hey, Rob. You fucking asshole!

Hi, Barry.

Soarin' and borin'

I feel I'm ignorin'

My time in the world
Have you heard

For a couple of years,
I was the deejay at a club.

I was good at it, I think.

And while I was doing it,
it's the happiest I've ever been.

And, that's where I met Laura.

She was already a lawyer,
but she worked for Legal Aid,

hence the leatherjacket
and the clubbing.

Oh, I liked her right away.

- Hey!
- Hey!

That's a kick-ass record.

- What?
- That's a kick-ass record.

Yeah, I know.

- Um... What's your name?
- Laura!

Hey! I was gonna say, come back
next week and I'll make you a tape.

- All right. Thank you.
- Okay?

- Rob.
- I'm still Laura.

To be honest, I hadn't met
anyone as promising as Laura

since I started deejaying,
and meeting promising women

is kind of what the deejaying thing
is supposed to be about.

And anyway, we...
We moved on from there.

She lost her lease
on her apartment in Lakeview

and she moved in with me.

And it stayed that way for years.

She didn't make me miserable,
or anxious,

or ill-at-ease.

And, you know, it sounds boring,
but it wasn't.

It wasn't spectacular, either. It was just

good.

But really good.

So. How come
I'm suddenly an asshole?

I get the feeling
that Liz talked to Laura.

And Liz stuck up for me.

And Laura told her a few things.

I don't know what precisely Laura said,

but she would have revealed
at least two, maybe even all four

of the following pieces of information.

- One, that I slept with someone else...
- He slept with somebody else.

- What?
...while she, Laura, was pregnant.

- While I was pregnant.
- No!

Two. That my affair
directly contributed...

...pretty much directly to me
terminating the pregnancy.

No.

Three, that after the abortion,

I borrowed a large sum
of money from her...

...four grand or so...

...and have not, as of yet,
repaid any of it.

- Bastard!
- Four.

That shortly before she left me,

I told her that I was kind of
unhappy in the relationship.

And maybe sort of looking around
for someone else.

He was "sort of, maybe,"
looking around for somebody else.

Did I do and say those things?

- Yes.
- No!

Yes, I did.

- I am a fuckin' asshole.
- That's it.

Liz. No, sit down. Sit down.

That's shocking.

That is shocking.

First of all, the money.

Laura had it, and I didn't.

And she wanted to give it to me.

I've never been able to pay her back

because I've never been able to.

Just because she moved in
with some Supertramp fan

it doesn't make me five grand richer.

And number two, this stuff about me
half-looking around for someone else,

she tricked me into saying it.

We were having this
State-of-the-Union-type conversation,

and she said, matter-of-factly, that we
were pretty unhappy at the moment.

And did I agree? And I said yes.

And she asked me whether I ever
thought about meeting other people.

So, then I asked her if she ever
thought about meeting someone else.

She says, "Of course."
So I admit that, yes,

I daydream about it from time to time.

Now, I can see what we were
really talking about,

is her and lan, and she
suckered me into absolving her.

It was a sneaky lawyer's trick.

And I fell for it because

she's much smarter than me.

All right. Then the pregnancy.

I didn't know she was pregnant.

Of course I didn't. I didn't know
because she hadn't told me.

She hadn't told me because I
had told her that I had sort...

Yes, I'd slept with someone else,
so I didn't find out she was pregnant

till way later.

We were going through
this good period,

and I made some crack
about having kids.

What?

She just burst into tears, and I said,
"Well, what is it?" you know.

And I made her tell me, and she did,

and I went into this brief and
ill-advised bout of self-righteousness.

You know, "What right do you have?
My child, too."

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

That pretty much brings us up to date.

Who needs a drink?

Who loves the sun

Who cares that
it makes plants grow

What's wrong with me? Seriously.

What happened?

Why am I doomed to be left?

Doomed to be rejected?

I need answers.

Number one. Alison Ashmore.

- Hello? Hi.
- This is Rob Gordon calling.

- I'm an old friend of Alison's. And...
- What did you say your name was?

Rob. Rob Gordon.

I was actually her first boyfriend

in the seventh grade,

and I was just wondering
if you had any way of reaching her.

- Her number, or...
- I hate to quibble with you, Rob,

but Alison married her first boyfriend.

Kevin Bannister.
He is her first and last boyfriend.

- You've gotta be kidding me.
- No, I'm quite serious.

She is Mrs. Kevin Bannister,
and she lives in Australia.

We went out together
in the seventh grade.

I beg your pardon.

Well, technically,
I'm her first boyfriend, okay?

I met her a few days before Kevin did.

Technically, number one. Me.

I don't know what you mean
by "technically."

You know, I'm number one.
Me. Technically.

I see. Well, maybe it's my mistake.

I've got to go now, Bob. Okay, bye-bye.

Alison married Kevin!

I am fine now.

Married her
junior high school sweetheart.

Kissed me on the bench, kissed Kevin
on the bench, married Kevin.

This is great!
It's got nothing to do with me.

This is fate. This is destiny.

It is beyond my control.
Beyond my fault. I love this!

I want more. I want to see
the others on the big top five.

I want to see Penny,
and Charlie and Sarah, all of them!

You know, just see 'em and talk to 'em.

You know,
like a Bruce Springsteen song.

You call, you ask 'em how they are,
and you see if they've forgiven you.

Yeah, and then... And then I'd feel good.

And they'd feel good.

No, they'd feel good maybe,
but you'd feel better.

I'd feel clean and calm.

That's what you're looking for.
You want to get ready to start again,

that'd be good for you.

Great, even.

You'd give that big final good luck
and goodbye to your all-time top five,

and just move on down the road.

Good luck, goodbye.

Thanks, Boss.

Penny is as beautiful
as she was in high school

and really grown into herself.

She reviews movies for a living,
which is unassailably cool,

even if she does make these little
notes with this little flashlight pen.

We have a good time,
and we hate the same actors,

and everything's goin' great.

She tells me about her life,
I tell her about mine.

We both get it. We both relate.

And then, with no real explanation,
I just launch into it.

I tell her about how Laura
wanted to sleep with lan and not me.

Charlie wanted to sleep
with Marco and not me.

Alison Ashmore wanted
Kevin Bannister and not me.

And you, you wanted to...

You wanted to have sex
with Chris Thompson and not me.

And I was hoping you could help me
understand why this keeps happening.

Why, you know, I'm doomed to be left.
Doomed to be rejected.

Do you understand?

Um, well,
I was crazy about you.

I wanted to sleep with you one day,
but not when I was 16.

You know, when you broke up with me,
you broke up with me,

because I was, to use
your charming expression, "tight,"

I cried and I cried and I hated you,
and when that little shitbag

asked me out, and I was
too tired to fight him off,

it wasn't rape, because I said okay,
but it wasn't far off!

You know I couldn't have sex until after
college because I hated it so much?

That's when you're supposed to
have sex, Rob. In college!

And now you want to have
a little chat about rejection!

Well, fuck you, Rob!

My God, she's right.

I broke up with her. I rejected her.

That's another one
I don't have to worry about.

I should have done this years ago.

- Ma'am? Can I get the check, please?
- Right away, sir.

Next up, Charlie.

But I'm not quite ready for that.

So I go directly to number four
on the all-time breakup list.

Sarah, my partner in rejection,
who rejected me.

- Hi, Rob.
- Hi.

- Nice to see you.
- Hi.

- Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
- Nice to see you.

- Want me to come...
- You want... Okay, let's go out.

I can't believe I left you for him.

Probably seemed like
a good idea at the time.

I don't know why, though.

- Are you seeing anybody?
- Um, no, yeah.

- No? No.
- Yeah. I mean, I'm in between things.

- How are you doing?
- Me? Not good.

- Really?
- No.

Oh, it's so hard.
The medication I was on is not working.

So, we're trying something else,
but it's like they don't know about it,

so I'm like a guinea pig, and...
But I'm making money. That's good.

I lost my job a month ago.
So it's been like hand to mouth...

No, I haven't got the
heart for the rejection conversation.

There are no hard feelings,

and I'm glad she ditched me
and not the other way around.

I'll call you. Nice to see you.

- Fine. Bye. See you later.
- You, too.

I could have
wound up having sex back there.

And what better way
to exorcise rejection demons

than to screw the person
who rejected you, right?

But you wouldn't be
sleeping with a person.

You'd be sleeping with a whole,
sad, single-person culture.

It would be like sleeping with

Talia Shire in Rocky,
if you weren't Rocky.

I feel guilty enough as it is.

There's only Charlie left now.

She's in the fuckin' phone book.

She should be living on Neptune.

She's an extraterrestrial, a ghost,
a myth, not a person in a phone book.

Hello, this is Charlie.

Answering machine.
I'll leave a nice, polite message

and she'll never call back.

The Killing Moon EP is almost
impossible to find, especially on CD.

Yet another cruel trick

played on all the dumb-asses
who got rid of their turntables.

But every other
Echo and the Bunnymen album...

I have all the other ones.

Oh, you do? Well,
how about The Jesus and Mary Chain?

- They always seemed...
- They always seemed what?

They always seemed really great
is what they always seemed.

They picked up where
your precious Echo left off

and you're complaining
about no more Echo albums.

I can't believe you don't own
this fucking record! That's insane!

Jesus!

Well, the interesting thing
about Green Day is that

so much of their music is,
in truth, directly influenced by,

in my opinion, two bands.

- The Clash...
- The Clash!

Uh, correct, The Clash. But also,

by this band called Stiff Little Fingers.

Um, I think you would
really love this band.

It sounds great.

- My name's Anaugh.
- The name's... My name's Dick.

Is this the new Green Day?

You don't have it? That is perverse.

Don't tell anybody you don't own
fucking Blonde on Blonde.

It's gonna be okay.

I will now sell five copies
of The Three E.P. 's by The Beta Band.

Good.

There is something inside
that you want to say

Say it out loud
It'll be okay

I will be all right
I will be all right

There's something inside
That you wanna say

You can say it out loud
It'll be okay

- Who is that?
- It's the Beta Band.

- It's good.
- I know.

- Barry! The door!
- Fuck!

Go! Go!

Hey! Okay, fuckos.

How much is this deck worth,
and how much did you steal?

Can you do the math?
Barry, call the cops.

- No!
- No, hold up. Hold up.

Ryuichi Sakamoto,

Sigue Sigue Sputnik,
Breakbeats, Serge Gainsbourg.

What are you guys,
stealing for other people?

No, those are for us.

You guys slamming
to Joni Mitchell now?

You're like, so bigoted.

To look at us, and think
you know what we listen to.

I think you have more.

God, man!

Hi.

What do you want?

I thought I could give you a ride back.

- Are you coming home?
- Yeah.

Well, I'd like to come over
to your house to pick up some things.

My house.

- How'd it go today?
- All right.

- Do you wanna go?
- Sure.

So, have you tackled
the Great Reorganization yet?

You bet.
You can take this with you if you want.

Look at this place, Laura, it's a dump.

What are you making now?
60, 70 a year?

And you were living in this shithole.

Bet you can't even remember
what you were doing here.

I was here because
I wanted to be with you.

It had nothing to do with this place.

So, uh, where are you staying now?

I think you know that.

I had to work that out for myself,
though, didn't I?

I'm sorry.

I know I haven't been very fair.

That's why I came to the store tonight.

It took me a while
to work up the courage.

- You scared now?
- Yes, of course I am.

I feel terrible, Rob.
You know, this is really hard.

Good.

So, how is everything going with lan?

Is it working out okay?

- You're living with the guy.
- Don't.

I'm just asking how it's going.

Look, I'm not living with the guy, okay?

I'm just staying with him for a few days
until I figure out what I'm doing.

I left because we weren't exactly getting
along, and we weren't talking about it.

I'm getting to a point where
I want to get my shit together

and I can't really see that
ever happening with you.

And, yes, I sort of got
interested in someone else.

And that went further
than it should have,

so it seemed like a good time to go.

But I have no idea what will
happen with lan in the long run.

Probably nothing.

So, what?

You definitely haven't
decided to dump me? Is that it?

There's still a chance
we might get back together?

I don't know.

Well, if you don't know,

there's a chance, right?

I mean, it would be like

if someone was in the hospital
and he was seriously ill,

and the doctor said, "I don't know if
this patient has a chance of survival,"

that doesn't mean the patient's
definitely gonna die, does it?

I mean, he might live.

- Even if it's a remote possibility.
- I suppose so.

- So we have a chance.
- Shut up, Rob.

I just want to know,
what chance do we have?

I don't know what chance.

If you could tell me roughly...

All right, we have a 9% chance
of getting back together.

- Nine?
- Nine.

Great.

Look, I know I'm asking a lot,

but could you take off for a while
so I can get my stuff packed up?

No problem.

- You want me to leave my own house?
- Yes, please.

Laura, can I ask you one question?

Yes. One.

You're not gonna like it.

Just ask it.

Is it better?

Is what better? Better than what?

Well, sex, I guess. Is it better?

Is that really
what's bothering you?

Yes. Yes, of course.

Do you really think
it would make a difference either way?

- I don't know.
- Well, the answer is, I don't know either.

We haven't done it yet.

Never?

I haven't felt like it.

Not even before,
when he was living upstairs?

No. I was living with you, remember?

We've slept together,
but we haven't made love.

Not yet.

- I'll tell you one thing.
- What?

Sleeping together is better.

Sleeping together is better?

But not the sex,
because you haven't done it yet?

- Will you please just go?
- Yeah.

We are the champions
My friends

Yes! Put 'em up!

And we'll keep on fighting
Till the end

I feel good. I feel great.

I feel like a new man.
I feel so much better, in fact,

that I go straight out
and sleep with Marie De Salle.

No time for losers

'Cause we are the champions

"How could this
have happened?" you ask.

"How does he... How does he do it?"

How does a regular guy like me

become the number one lover man
in his postal district?

He's grumpy, he's broke, he hangs out
with the musical moron twins,

and yet he gets to go to bed
with somebody like Marie De Salle.

Hey. Marie.

- Everything go all right?
- Yeah, yeah.

She just wanted to pick up some stuff,
you know. It was no big deal. It was...

I hate that time. Picking-up-stuff time.

You know that song I play,
Eartha Kitt Times Two?

Of course!

I wrote that about me and my ex
dividing our record collection.

Great, great song.

A while back, Dick, Barry and I agreed

that what really matters is what you like

not what you are like.

Books, records, films,
these things matter.

Call me shallow. It's the fucking truth.

And by this measure, I was having
one of the best dates of my life.

- You love that show?
- Yes!

Starring... Starring...
Who starred in The Prisoner?

- McGoohan.
- That's right!

And then, we talk about our exes.

She's dry and self-deprecating.

Great sense of humor about it,

and I can really see
why her songs are so good.

I guess she's happy.

I don't speak about Laura
with as much depth.

But it feels, even to me,
like I'm being intimate.

I express regret,
I say nice things about her,

and I hint at a deep ocean
of melancholy just below the surface.

Which is all bullshit, really.

I've just invented a sketch
of a decent, sensitive guy,

because I'm in the position
to invent him.

And I guess all that charming,
nervous stuff seems to work somehow,

because we get back to her house and

it just happens.

And then we make love. It's great.

And that's it. I'm not gonna
go into all that other stuff.

You know,
the who-did-what-to-whom stuff.

You know that song
Behind Closed Doors by Charlie Rich?

It's one of my favorite songs.

I can say we had a good time.

I can say that.

Marie's a terrific woman.

And then, in the morning...

You didn't have me fooled,

acting all cool
about, um, what's-her-name.

- Laura.
- Laura, right, right. Laura.

What was yours called again?

It was called James.

- James.
- James.

Do you miss him?

Yeah.

That's how it works, right?

I think it's okay if you feel horny
and fucked up at the same time.

Why should we be denied
our basic human rights,

just 'cause we messed up
our relationships?

You think sex is a basic human right?

Hell, yeah! Yeah.

I'm not gonna let that asshole
come between me and a fuck.

- Which way are you going?
- That way. You?

- That way.
- Ah, so it is.

- Talk to you.
- I'll call you.

Right.

What did Laura mean last night when
she said, "I haven't slept with him yet"?

Yet! What does "yet" mean anyway?

It means you're gonna do it,
doesn't it? Or does it?

Just come on. What would it mean
to you, that sentence,

"I haven't seen Evil Dead II yet"?

Well, to me it would mean
that you're a liar.

You've seen it twice. Once with Laura,
oops, and once with me and Dick.

We had that conversation

about that guy making shotgun ammo
off-screen in the 14th century.

Right. But let's just say
that I hadn't seen it.

And I said, "I haven't seen
Evil Dead II yet."

What would you think?

I'd think that you're a cinematic idiot,
and I'd feel sorry for you.

All right. But from that one sentence,

would you think that
I was going to see it?

I'm sorry, Rob. I'm struggling here.

You're asking me what would I think
if you told me

you hadn't seen a film
that you have already seen.

Just listen to me. If I said to you...

"I haven't seen Evil Dead II yet," yes.

Would you get the impression
that I really wanted to see it?

Oh, well, you couldn't have been
desperate to see it,

otherwise you'd have already gone.

Right. I'm not gonna see that movie.

But the word "yet."
Yeah, you know what?

I get the impression
that you wanted to see it,

otherwise you'd have said
you didn't want to go.

But in your opinion,
would I definitely go?

How the fuck am I supposed to know?
Probably.

- Why?
- Because it's a brilliant film.

It's so funny and violent,
and the soundtrack kicks fucking ass.

I never thought I'd say this,
but can I go work now?

Look, Laura, if you don't want me
to call you at work,

then give me your home number.

Oh, I forgot. You can't.

I'm not gonna get off this phone
until you agree to meet me for a drink.

I'm sorry, but I don't see

why this has to be on your terms
all the time, really.

Okay, okay! We'll meet, then, tonight.

That'd be great if you're not too busy.

It'll be really good to see you.

So, how are you?

Have you slept with him yet?

Is that why you wanted to see me?

I guess.

What do you want me to say?

I want you to say you haven't,
and I want that to be the truth.

I can't do that.

You must have known it would happen.

You couldn't have been
entirely unprepared like you said.

I've been living with the guy.

We were bound
to get around to it sometime.

Rob, are you there?
What are you thinking?

We can meet for another drink
if you want.

So I can explain it better.
I owe you that much.

I don't have your number.

I don't want this to be
the last conversation we have.

- I know what you're like.
- You do, huh?

I need a second opinion.

Hi, this is Tim. City and state, please.

Uh, Chicago. A residence.
Mr. Ian Raymond.

- Please hold for that number.
- May I also have that address?

- Certainly.
- Thank you.

- Rob?
- Laura, I just want to say something.

I think you're running,
you're running from a sharp point

that anybody hits in any relationship,
and it's just gonna happen again.

But it's gonna be with this guy lan,
later, when you're older.

With a guy with
a Steven Seagal ponytail.

You know what I'm saying?
And he doesn't love you.

And he doesn't understand you,
not the way I will.

And I will even more so in the future.

I mean, if you want
to experiment or whatever...

I'm not experimenting.
Why don't you go experiment?

- Laura, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Is that him?

Look, can you call me at work?

I gotta go now.

You look upset.

Yeah, I'm upset, but I'm fine.

- Maybe I should talk to him.
- No, I don't think that's a good idea.

Conflict resolution is my job.

Yeah, I know. But, lan,
there's really nothing to resolve.

But thank you.

You have got to stop calling her.

You're really upsetting her, and him!

- Like I care about him.
- Well, you should.

Why?

Because all you're doing
is forming a little unit.

Them against you!

Before you started all this
psychotic madness,

there was no unit,
there was just three people in a mess.

But now they've got
something in common.

And you don't want
to make anything worse.

How could it get any worse
than Laura with lan?

- Come on, Liz.
- Rob, Rob, Rob.

Can I ask you a question?

And you can think about it
if you want to.

Just what is it?

Why do you want Laura back so badly?

Rob, phone.

Barry, that fucking pricer's busted,
and I'm not the one who broke it.

- Hello.
- Rob? Bonjour. Bonjour.

Who is this?

Is this Charlie?

Hi. I just got back into town.

Wow! Rob Gordon. The Rob Gordon.

So how are you doing? Huh?

Does it seem like
millions of years ago?

Yeah, yeah. Like a billion, right?

So... God, Charlie Nicholson.
How are you?

I mean, do you have kids
and stuff like everybody else?

No. No, I'm too young, too single.

I don't know.
Kids are too "time-consuming,"

I guess, is the expression
I'm looking for.

I'm not making this up.
This is how she talks,

as if nobody ever had
a conversation about having kids

in the history of the world.

She's incredible.

So, anyway, are you in or out, Rob?

- I'm sorry?
- Well, you know, I don't know.

I just find these long-lost
boyfriend calls a little unnerving.

- There's been a rash of them recently.
- Is that right?

Yeah. Oh, remember Marco?
I went out with him after you.

- Kind of.
- Kind of, yeah.

Well, he called a few months ago.

I think he was going through
one of those

what-does-it-all-mean kind of things.

He wanted to see me
and "rehash the past," as they say.

Was I up for that? No. No.

So, I don't know,
do all men go through that?

I've never heard of it before.

I'm sorry, Charlie, but what does
"Are you in or out" mean?

Well, it means,
are we friends or aren't we?

Because if we are,
that's great, that's great.

But if we're not, I don't really want
to spend time playing catch-up.

You know what I mean?
I'm just really busy, you know?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. Of course.

- So, are you in or out, Rob?
- I'm in. I'm in. I'm in.

Oh, yeah? Great. Do you want to come
for a dinner party tomorrow night?

Can I help you?

Hello, Rob.

Remember me? Ray. Ian.

I thought maybe we should talk.

- No.
- Sort things out.

- What needs sorting out?
- Ten phone calls a night.

Hanging around outside my house.

- I've stopped all of that now.
- You were there this morning.

Obviously, I know
how special Laura is,

And I know how much pain
you must be going through right now.

I would hate it if I lost her.

Guess who?

But I'd like to believe that if she decided

that she didn't
want to see me anymore,

that I would respect those wishes.

You know what I'm saying, G?

- Yeah.
- Good.

So, shall we leave it at that, then?

I've already left it,

you pathetic rebound fuck!

Now, get your patchouli stink
out of my store!

Move it, lard-ass!

Dumb motherfucker.

So, shall we leave it at that, then?

- No.
- Don't! Don't!

- He's not worth it!
- Leave town!

Leave the country! You little bitch!

'Cause you'll look back at 10
phone calls a night as the golden age!

Get ready, motherfucker!

So, shall we leave it at that, then?

Get him!

- Come on!
- Get him, man!

Well, think about it, Rob.

Okay?

Hey, jelly bean.

Charles.

- How are you?
- Good. How are you?

Hey, everybody!
Everybody, this is Rob.

Rob, this is everybody.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Come on in. Make yourself at home.

- Is that for me?
- Yeah.

Oh, it's a little warm.
I'll put it in the fridge.

I think if you get a dog,
you've got to raise it yourself.

You have to deal with a dog
from day one.

Of course you do.

You're gonna take care of him,
raise him.

- Fine, thanks. Do you want a drink?
- Yeah, I would.

I can see now
that I'm doomed to die

a long, slow suffocating death,
and I try to figure out why.

Of course there's envy.
Why isn't my life like this?

Sure, I want their money
and clothes and jobs and opinions.

And I'd like to have advice
on jet lag, but that's not it.

I mean, they're not bad people,
and I'm not a class warrior.

It's something else.

- I never did.
- And I was very supportive.

Then it dawns on me.

It came down to me to tell him the truth.

Charlie's awful.

What was the truth?

She doesn't listen to anyone.

She says stupid things,

and she apparently has
no sense of humor at all,

and talks shit all night long.

Maybe she's been like this all along.

- Bye, sweetheart.
- Bye-bye.

- Call me tomorrow, okay?
- Call me. Promise to call me.

Bye.

How did I manage to edit all this out?

How had I made this girl
the answer to all the world's problems?

- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey, Rob.

So, Charlie,
why'd you dump me for Marco?

Fuck! I knew it! I knew it!

I knew it! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

- What?
- You are. You are going through

one of those
what-does-it-all-mean things.

I can't believe you, Rob.

Yes, I am. Very much. Indeed so.

Oh, God.

Come on. Answer the question.

Oh, come on, Charlie. Don't hold back.

You can say whatever you like.

Why'd you dump me for Marco?

Marco just seemed to be
a bit more glamorous.

You know? More sure of himself.

Less hard work.

A little sunnier.

Sparkier.

- You put that ad up?
- Yeah.

What can you play?

Nothin'. What kind of stuff are you into?

The kind of stuff you mentioned.

But we want to be
more experimental than that.

We want to retain our pop sensibilities,
but, you know, go further out.

- That sounds great.
- No gigs yet.

We just got together.
Is Tuesday night cool for you?

We'll just, you know,

- jam.
- Yeah.

All right.

Later.

- What?
- What do you mean, what?

You've had that poster up on the wall
for, like, 17,000 years.

And then some guy comes in
off the street.

You act like it's no big deal.

It's just a garage band.
It's nothing special.

You don't play an instrument.

I can sing.

What, you think I'm gonna stick
around here the rest of my life?

Hey, it's half past a monkey's ass.
Let's go.

I can't meet you guys
at the club tonight.

Why?

- Who are you going to see?
- Nobody.

Rob! Lookie, lookie!
Dick, are you getting some?

Un-fucking-believable!

Dick's got a hot date!
How did this happen?

What rational explanation
can there possibly be?

What's her name?

- Anaugh.
- Anaugh? Anaugh Conda?

- Anaugh Moss.
- Anaugh Moss?

Is she all green and fuzzy and mossy?

And you met this bruiser where,
exactly?

The home for the mentally challenged
or the blind or the bus station?

Um, here. She asked me about
the new Green Day album, and...

Oh, man! Finally! Anaugh.

That's great, Dick!
Really smoke that ass.

Listen, Rob,
I can't go to the club, either.

I gotta get some lyrics down on paper.

Oh, yeah, me, too.
Well, not lyrics to get down.

But, um... So, I'll see you tomorrow.

- Hi, Laura.
- "Top five dream jobs."

- Hey, that's private.
- "Number one,

"journalist for Rolling Stone
magazine, 1976 to 1979.

"Get to meet the Clash, Chrissie Hynde,
Sex Pistols, David Byrne.

"Get tons of free records.

"Number two,

"Producer, Atlantic Records,
1964 to 1971.

"Get to meet Aretha,
Wilson Pickett, Solomon Burke."

- More free records.
- "More free records

"and a shitload of money.

- "Number three, any kind of musician."
- Besides classical or rap.

"Settle for being one
of the Memphis Horns or something."

Sure.

"I'm not asking to be Jagger
or Hendrix or Otis Redding.

"Number four, film director."

Any kind except German or silent.

And number five, we have "architect."

- Yeah.
- Seven years' training.

I'm not sure I even want
to be an architect.

So you've got a list here

of five things you'd do if qualifications,

and time and history
and salary were no object?

One of them you don't
really want to do anyway.

Well, I did put it at number five.

Wouldn't you rather own your own
record store than be an architect?

- Yeah, I suppose.
- And you wouldn't want to be

a 16th-century explorer
or the king of France?

- God, no.
- All right. There you go, then.

Dream job number five,
record store owner.

I find it interesting that you
keep showing up here, Laura.

Well, this is the last of it.

Those bags look heavy. Where's lan?

Or Ray or...

What is his fucking name anyway?

- What do you call him? Ian or Ray?
- Ray.

- I hate lan.
- I hate him, too.

Yeah, I'm sure.

See ya.

Goodbye.

Top five thing I miss about Laura.

One, sense of humor. Very dry,
but it can also be warm and forgiving.

And she's got one of the best all-time
laughs in the history of all-time laughs.

She laughs with her entire body.

Two, she's got character.

Or at least she had character
before the lan nightmare.

She's loyal and honest,

and she doesn't even take it out
on people when she's having a bad day.

That's character.

Three,

I miss her smell

and the way she tastes.

It's a mystery of human chemistry,
and I don't understand it.

Some people, as far as your senses
are concerned, just feel like home.

I really dig how she walks around.

It's like she doesn't care how
she looks or what she projects.

And it's not that she doesn't care,
it's just, she's not affected, I guess.

And that gives her grace.

And five, she does this thing in bed
when she can't get to sleep.

She kind of half-moans

and then rubs her feet together
an equal number of times.

It just kills me.

Believe me, I could do a top five things
about her that drive me crazy,

but it's just your garden-variety women,
you know, schizo stuff,

and that's the kind of thinking
that got me here.

Ah! Damn!

- You maggots!
- Whoa, whoa! Toss it, man!

- You're pretty when you're angry.
- Shit!

Hey, Rob, Laura called.

Really?

What you gonna do

The man's
gone out to get you

How you gonna look

- What is this?
- It's Vince and Justin.

- Who's Vince and Justin?
- Those little skate fuckers.

- No way.
- Way.

It's really...

It's really fuckin' good.

Hey, do you guys know
Vince and Justin,

the guys that come in my store?

- Yeah, they're right over there, man.
- Thanks.

- Quit smoking. I'm telling you...
- Hey! Your tape.

- It's good.
- I know. We made it.

- Thank you.
- I mean, it's rough, but, unbelievably,

it shows promise.

I'll put out your record.

Any profits we split down the middle
after I recoup expenses, okay?

Recoup expenses?

Man, you're gonna recoup a big,
fat Mercedes, is what you're gonna do.

- We're not there yet, Justin.
- I'm Vince.

Whatever.
What's the name of your band?

- Uh, the Kinky Wizards.
- Nice.

What's the name of your label?

Top Five Records.

What was that?

You just told them you're gonna
put out a record with them?

Yeah. So what?
You said yourself those guys are good.

What are you getting hot about?

Well, it just seems
that you think it would be wiser

to start a record label
by putting out a record

with business-crippling
Nazi youth shoplifters,

than someone you know in your bitter,
jealous heart is a musical visionary.

What do your songs sound like?

Sex Pistols? Nirvana?
Pop Abrams and the Smurfs?

You wouldn't be familiar
with our immediate influences.

- Try me.
- They're mostly German.

Kraftwerk? Falco? Hasselhoff?

Hey. You called?

Fuckin' asshole.

Laura, are you all right?

My dad, my dad died.

- What's up?
- Laura's dad died.

Oh, drag.

I'm sorry, Rob.

Hey, top five songs about death.

A Laura's dad tribute list.

Okay? Okay.

Leader Of The Pack.

The guy fuckin' beefs it
on his motorcycle and dies, right?

Dead Man's Curve. Jan and Dean.

Do you know that right after
they recorded that song,

Jan himself crashed his...

- It was Dean, you fuckin' idiot.
- It was Jan.

- It was a long time after the...
- Okay, whatever.

Tell Laura I Love Her.
That would bring the house down.

Laura's mom could sing it.

- You know what I'd want?
- Huh?

One Step Beyond by Madness.

No, no, no, no, no.
When are you going home?

In a minute, when I get it together.

And You Can't
Always Get What You Want.

Immediate disqualification because
of its involvement with The Big Chill.

Oh, God, you're right.

Um, Mom wants you to
come to the funeral.

- Oh. Me?
- Yes. My dad really liked you.

And Mom never told him we'd split,
because he wasn't up to it.

Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald.
Gordon Lightfoot.

Bastard. That's so good,
that should have been mine.

Do you want me there?

I don't care, as long as you don't
expect me to hold your hand.

- Is Ray going?
- No!

The night Laura's daddy died

Sha-na-na, na-na-na
na-na-na-na-na

Brother, what a night it really was

Mother, what a night it really...
Angina's tough

Glory be

Brother, what a night it really was

Brother, what a night
Angina's tough

Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done,

- on Earth as it is in heaven.
- Songs at my funeral,

Many Rivers To Cross by Jimmy Cliff,
Angel by Aretha Franklin,

and I've always had this fantasy

that some beautiful,
tearful woman will insist on

You're The Best Thing That Ever
Happened To Me by Gladys Knight.

- But who would that woman be?
- Amen.

- Hey, Jo.
- Hi, Liz.

Hey. How are you doing?

I'm all right, I suppose.
Mom's not too bad.

But Laura, I don't know.

Yeah, well, she's had a rough time
of it already, without this.

It's just so hard when you put all
of your efforts into one area of your life

and it doesn't work out.

Don't mind me, really.

Just pretend like you're talking
about someone else. It's okay.

Well, in fact,
we are talking about someone else.

We're talking about Laura.

- Oh.
- Oh?

Don't fuckin' say "oh"
like that to me, Liz.

I'm really sorry, Jo.
Look, I can either stick up for myself,

or I can believe everything you say
about me and end up hating myself.

But that's not much of a life, is it? Huh?

Do you think this is really the time
to be talking about...

Just because it's never the time, Liz?
I can't go on apologizing my whole life.

I think just the once would do!

- I'm very sorry, Laura.
- Thanks for coming.

I'm so sorry, Laura.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

Laura, I'm sorry.

Most ofthe time

I'm clear-focused all around

Most of the time

I can keep both feet
on the ground

I can follow the path

I can read the signs

Stay right with it
When the road unwinds

I can handle whatever

I stumble upon

I don't even notice

She's gone

I can see now
I never really committed to Laura.

I always had one foot out the door

and that prevented me
from doing a lot of things.

Like thinking about my future.

I guess it made more sense
to commit to nothing.

Keep my options open.

And that's suicide.

By tiny, tiny increments.

I can make it all match up

I can hold my own

I can deal with the situation

Right down to the bone

I can survive

And I can endure

And I don't even think

About her

Most of the time

Are you gonna lie
in that flower bed all night?

No.

- You're soaking.
- Yeah.

You're also an idiot.

Look, Laura, I'm really sorry.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Why don't you just get back,

and I'm just gonna
wait here for the bus.

No, I don't want to be there.

When I saw you leave,
I used it as an excuse to get out.

Is there anything I can do?

- Come on.
- Where?

I'll show you. Let's go.

Right.

Dad used to bring us here
when we were kids.

Listen, Rob,
would you have sex with me?

'Cause I want to feel
something else than this.

It's either that, or I go home
and put my hand in the fire.

Unless you want to stub
cigarettes out on my arm.

No. I only have a few left.
I've been saving them for later.

Right. It'll have to be sex, then.

Right. Right.

I knew there was a reason
I wore a skirt today.

- Just stay there.
- Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi.

It doesn't seem so long ago
that I looked at you from here.

Hey, go be with your mom.

I'm too tired.

I'm too tired not to be with you.

So if you had a bit more energy,
we'd stay split up?

But things being as they are,
you being wiped out and all,

you wanna get back together?

- Is that it?
- Yeah.

Mmm. What about lan?

Well, Ray's a disaster.

Look.

I know it's not very romantic, Rob.

But there will be romance again
at some stage, I'm sure.

- I just...
- So, that's it?

Well, you've made it clear
you want me back, so...

Look, um, we can talk about it later
if you want to.

Right now, I just...

Right now, I just
want to go home with you.

Okay.

So, yeah.

And so we got back together,
and it was great.

She moved all her stuff back in,
all at once.

When did you decide
to get back with me, exactly?

I'm not telling you.

See, that's not a nice way to play.

We went out to dinner every night.

What else?

We stayed in
and made love all the time.

We talked about the future.

Important stuff. Issues.

How can you like Art Garfunkel
and Marvin Gaye?

That's like saying you support
the Israelis and the Palestinians.

No, it's not like saying
that at all, actually, Rob.

Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel
make pop records.

Made. Made. Marvin Gaye's dead.
His father shot him.

You could say it was everything
I ever wanted, really.

- Marvin Gaye! Let's Get It On.
- I know.

That's our song!

Marvin Gaye is responsible
for our entire relationship.

Oh, is that so?
I'd like a word with him, then.

It was everything I ever wanted.

Except, for some fucking reason,

this...

Excuse me. Is this Stereolab?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

I haven't heard this one. It's really good.

Yeah, I know.

Are you Bob?

Rob.

Oh, right. Yeah, Rob.
You used to deejay.

I used to go to the Double Door
to hear you spin.

- You were unbelievable.
- Really? Well...

- I'm Caroline.
- Hi.

What do you do?

I work for The Reader.
I write a music column.

You're Caroline Fortis?
I read your column.

- It's great.
- Thanks.

You really know
what you're talking about.

- Rob, phone.
- Can you take a message?

It's your girlfriend.

Excuse me.

Hey.

Hey, what the fuck is this?

- Talk to your woman.
- It was her idea.

Laura!

"Dance music for old people"?

It's an idea I had
when I was with, um, lan

and I thought it was such a good one,

that I was really annoyed
we weren't together anymore.

- It may be why I came back.
- A record release party?

What if I was doing something
that can't be canceled?

What are you ever doing
that can't be canceled?

That's not the point!
The single cannot be done.

- There's a million things!
- It'll be done.

Oh, guess what?
Barry said his band will play a set.

Barry is playing at this thing?

Fucking, what are you...
Are you insane?

Barry, I'll give you 10%
of the door if you don't play.

Rob, we're getting that anyway.

- Twenty, 20%.
- No! Come on, Rob. We need the gig.

110%.

That's how much it means
to me not to hear you play.

- Rob, we're called Sonic Death Monkey.
- Sonic Death Monkey?

And if Laura and her bourgeois
lawyer friends can't handle it,

fuck them. Let 'em riot.

We're Sonic fucking Death Monkey.

Let me get this straight.
We made the CD with you.

Now your friends and your girlfriend

are throwing some
kind of celebration party

and you're asking us
not to come to the party?

Exactly.

I don't know, dude.
That just seems kind of stupid.

It's just the whole thing
is just blown way out of proportion.

It's just a three-song CD. It's a single.

It's not a big deal.

It's just that you're making something.

You, the critic,
the professional appreciator,

put something new into the world.

The second one of those things
gets sold to someone,

you're officially a part of it.

Congratulations, Rob.

You know, I guess I think I've always
been a professional critic,

you know, or some sort of
professional appreciator or something.

And I just wanted to, you know,
do something new,

put something new out into the world,

kind of really put my money
where my mouth is.

Yeah. Wow. You know,
I would love to hear them.

Why don't I send it over
to you when it's done?

Really?

- I will look forward to that.
- I will look forward to sending it.

You know, we should
get back to the interview.

Yeah, let's do that.

Okay. What are your all-time
top five favorite records?

In the club or at home?

Listen. I'll tell you what.
Why don't I just make you a tape?

Now, the making of a good
compilation tape is a very subtle art.

Many dos and don'ts.

First of all, you're using someone else's
poetry to express how you feel.

This is a delicate thing.

So, for this one, I'm thinking...

I'm thinking...

When is this gonna stop?

When's what gonna stop?

Uh, nothing.

Who's the tape for?

Just some girl who interviewed me
for The Reader.

So what am I gonna do now?
Just keep jumping

from rock to rock for the rest of my life
until there aren't any rocks left?

Should I bolt every time
I get that feeling in my gut

when I meet someone new?

I've been thinking with my gut
since I was 14 years old,

and, frankly speaking,

I've come to the conclusion
that my guts have shit for brains.

Hi. Drinking lunch on a school day.

That's a nice surprise.

Are you nervous about tomorrow night?

Not really, no.

Well, are you gonna talk to me,
or shall I get my paper out?

- No, I'm gonna talk to you.
- Great.

What are you gonna talk to me about?

Um, I'm gonna talk to you
about whether or not

you want to get married to me.

- I'm serious.
- Yes, I know.

Well, thanks a fucking bunch.

I'm sorry. Two days ago,
you were making tapes

- for that girl from The Reader.
- Yeah.

Well, forgive me if I don't think
of you as the world's safest bet.

Would you marry me if I was?

- What brought all this on?
- I don't know.

I'm just sick of thinking
about it all the time.

- About what?
- This stuff.

Love and settling down
and marriage, you know?

I want to think about something else.

I changed my mind.

That's the most romantic thing
I've ever heard.

- I do. I will.
- Just shut up, please.

I'm trying to explain, okay?

That other girl,
or other women, whatever...

I mean, I was thinking
that they're just fantasies.

You know?
And they always seem really great

because there's never any problems.

And if there are, they're cute problems,

like, you know, we bought each other
the same Christmas present,

or she wants to go see a movie
that I've already seen, you know?

And then I come home,
and you and I have real problems,

and you don't even want to see
the movie I want to see, period.

- There's no lingerie and...
- I have lingerie.

Yes, you do. You have great lingerie.

But you also have the cotton underwear

that's been washed a thousand times,
and it's hanging on the thing and...

And they have it, too.

It's just I don't have to see it
because it's not in the fantasy.

Do you understand?

I'm tired of the fantasy

because it doesn't really exist.

And there are never really
any surprises, and it never really...

- Delivers?
- Delivers.

Right. And I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of everything else,
for that matter.

But I don't ever seem to get tired of you.

So...

I think I know what you mean.

But were you really
expecting me to say yes?

I don't know.
I didn't think about it, really.

I thought asking
was the important part.

Well, you've asked. Thank you.

Uh, thanks for coming out here tonight.

That was just a little bit
of I Sold My Mom's Wheelchair,

the title track
from the album of same name,

the record we're having
this record release party for.

The two burgeoning criminals behind
this opus are standing by the bar.

They're underage,
and we'll lose our liquor license.

But we'll get to them in a moment.

First, I have to introduce a band,
so please don't leave

until after they finish
and we play the record.

Right now,
it's my great, great pleasure

to introduce Sonic Death Monkey.

I'm an idiot. I should've played
the whole album first.

These people are gonna
burn the place down.

No, no, it's gonna be fine.

These people are ready for anything.

- It's gonna be fine. Watch.
- Thank you.

You're so kind. Rob, thank you
for the enthusiastic intro,

but we're no longer
called Sonic Death Monkey.

We're on the verge of being called
Kathleen Turner Overdrive.

However, this evening
we will be Barry Jive

and the Uptown Five.

I been really tryin', baby

To hold on to this feeling

For so long

And if you feel

Like I feel, sugar, come on

Oh, come on, oh

Let's get it on

Let's get it on

Let's love, sugar

Let's get it on

Sugar

Let's get it on

Whoo-ooh-ooh

We are all sensitive people

With so much to give

Understanding, sugar

Since we got to be

Let's live

I love you

There's nothing wrong

With me loving you

Sha-na-na-na-na

And giving yourself to me

Could never be wrong

If the love is true
Oh, baby

Don't you know
how sweet and wonderful

The making of a great compilation tape,

like breaking up, is hard to do

and takes ages
longer than it might seem.

You gotta kick it off
with a killer to grab attention.

Then you gotta take it up a notch,
but you don't want to blow your wad.

So then you gotta cool it off a notch.
There are a lot of rules.

Anyway, I've started to make a tape,

in my head, for Laura.

Full of stuff she'd like.

Full of stuff that'd make her happy.

For the first time,
I can see how that's done.

I believe when I fall
in love with you

It will be forever

I believe
when I fall in love

This time it will be forever

Without despair

We will share

And the joys of caring

Will not be replaced

What has been

Must never end

And with the strength
we have

Won't be erased

When the truth of love
all planned and firm

They won't be hard to find

And the words of love
I speak to you

Will echo in my mind

I believe when I fall
in love with you

It will be forever

I believe when I fall
in love this time

It will be forever

- Ever
- Ever

I believe when I fall
in love with you

It will be forever

I believe when I fall
in love with you

It will be forever

I believe when I fall
in love with you

It will be forever

I believe when I fall
in love with you

It will be forever

I believe when I fall
in love with you

It will be forever

- God answered
- I believe when I fall in love

- My prayer
- With you it will be forever

- God answered my prayer
- I believe when I fall in love with you

- It will be forever
- Oh, baby

ljust got out
my little red book

The minute that
you said good-bye

I thumbed right through
my little red book

I wasn't gonna sit and cry

And I went from "A" to "Z"

I took out every
pretty girl in town

They danced with me
and as I held them

All I did
was talk about you

Hear your name
and I'd start to cry

There's just
no getting over you

Oh, no

There ain't no girl
in my little red book

Who could ever
replace your charms

And each girl
in my little red book

Knows you're the one
I'm thinking of

Oh, won't you please
come back

Without your precious love
I can't go on

Where can love be
I need you so much

All I did was talk
talk about you

Hear your name
and I'd start to cry

There's just
no getting over you

Oh, no

Oh, won't you please
come back

Without your precious love
I can't go on

It's haunting me
I need you so much

All I did was talk
talk about you

Hear your name
and I'd start to cry

There's just
no getting over you

All I did was talk
talk about you

Hear your name
and I'd start to cry

There's just
no getting over you

Oh, no