Original subtitles

Previously on Five Bedrooms...

Don't you want our baby to grow up with its father?

Over four randoms?

Look who's just dropped in.

Xavier, this is my son, Harpreet.

As much as I love the idea of being able to say

I was successfully matchmade

by a pair of 60-something-year-olds...

Oh, it's...it's cool. I get it.

..I...I think I'd be interested regardless.

You're going to love him.

If you'd asked me a year ago if I wanted to cohabit with another man,

I would have laughed you out of the room.

And I'm looking at you,

and I want to wake up with you.

BEN: There's a look I've been getting my whole life.

And I get it pretty often in the house.

I call it the "Ben, you're a dickhead" look.

And in the early stages of the reno,

I was getting it a fair bit.

I mean, it's not that I don't appreciate it with my whole heart,

but, uh, could you be any more specific

than "between two and seven months"?

Look, there's nothing to worry about.

I'm staring at a hard biological nine-month deadline,

and I am gonna meet it.

She's second trimester, so it's more like four or five months.

Five months?

Yeah. That's what I meant.

But once we got into it,

fair to say they all had a bit of a turnaround.

Ains got so energised, she hopped on the tools herself.

She's kicking. She's kicking.

..which, of course, meant my mate Simmo...

- Wait for it. - ..was suddenly very available to lend a hand.

Oh, there! (LAUGHS)

I can't actually feel anything, Ains.

Harry was in a bit of a love bubble, so he wasn't home much.

Oi. Hazza?

What do you reckon?

I mean, I probably don't have the most educated eye,

but, um...it seems to have gotten slightly less...

..shed-like?

Oh, cheers, mate.

Yeah, I know every second you're here chatting to me

is a second you could be in a pretty energetic...

..naked situation, so, uh...

(SNAPS FINGERS) ..I appreciate that.

Are you planning on unveiling your lover to us at any point?

Yeah, yeah, of course. He's just, um...

..he's working at the bar most nights this week.

But I'll text you. I will. I'll...I will. I'll text you.

For Lizzie, the renovation site became a bit of a confessional.

I'm happy for him. It's not like I'm not happy for him.

But I'm just surprised that he's disappeared so completely.

- Yeah, you miss him. - No, I... Oh!

Ah! Jesus!

Don't you think it's a bit weird that none of us

have met the boyfriend and the mother has?

Well, it's OK if you miss him.

- It's actually quite beautiful. - Mmm.

- Need any more help? - No, no. No, I'm good. Thanks.

Then there was Heather.

You see, Heather had never seen me

full-throttle working before.

Turns out...she liked to watch.

(NAIL GUN FIRES)

And I liked that she liked to watch.

Oh!

Ben?

Can I get you to come inside and help me move something heavy?

(CHUCKLES) How heavy?

Pretty heavy.

Come here, girl.

(BOTH KISS)

Uh-uh!

Leave it on.

And maybe all that appreciation went to my head.

(LAUGHS)

'Cause in the end, I did get a bit cocky.

Chuck us the wrench, mate.

- (CRUNCH!) - Arggh! Yarggh! Fuck! Arggh!

Benny! Talk to me. What did you hit? Your shoulder?

- All on your shoulder? - (GROANS)

And that's when it came back.

- Try not to move too much. - The look.

Do you want a beer?

"Benny, you're a dickhead."

Oh. Sorry!

- Oh, thank God! Are you OK? - Yeah. Yeah.

Do they know what you've done? Or...

We're just waiting for the X-rays to come back.

BEN: It's just...it's my sublux.

I used to do it playing footy all the time.

You know, day or two, light duties,

couple of Panadol, good as gold.

It was my fault. It was such a dodgy throw.

- It wasn't, mate! - It had spin on it.

Who chucks a bloody wrench to a man on a ladder with spin on it?

I'd take a step back and question the idea of throwing tools at all.

WOMAN: Sorry about the wait.

- That's alright. (GROANS) - Sorry.

OK, Ben.

It's all a bit of a mess in there.

Unfortunately, looks like you're gonna have to have surgery.

Probably a full reconstruction.

Right.

Alright. Well, obviously, you'd rather not, but, uh...

..Fridgey had his reco, what, two, three years ago?

He's never been better.

That was on his knee, but.

Yeah, but a reco's a reco, mate. Right?

No, not really.

Do you have private health insurance?

Yep.

Pretty sure. I got a card in my wallet.

- Just chuck us my wallet. - Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, what's that? - That's your Medicare card.

Oh, right. Well, I know something definitely comes out of my account every month.

I just, um...

..can't remember the name.

OK, well, if you have health insurance and you're covered,

we can get you in straightaway to see an orthopaedic surgeon.

I can recommend a former boss of mine.

And if he's not?

Well...then you go on the waiting list.

How long's that?

Could be anywhere from...

..three months to a year.

Well, I'm definitely covered.

You know, they send me stuff in the mail all the time.

I can see the bloody logo. It's, um...

Anyway, it's all at home. I don't chuck anything out.

Good. OK. Well, I'll write you the referral.

But you will need to find those details

before you see the surgeon.

- OK? - Sweet.

In the meantime, we'll get you a brace and...

Excuse me. ..uh, and some pain relief.

- Thanks a lot. - Thank you.

OK. Oh.

- Do you need to cancel tonight? - No.

I can manage if you do.

You can't do birth classes on your own, Ains.

Well, I wouldn't be alone.

Lachlan really wants to come.

In fact, iscoming. I said he could come.

OK, I knew your face would do that,

and if you don't want to be there, that's fine,

but Mel's banned him from coming to her classes

and he really wants to be involved.

Oh, I'm coming.

Now I'm coming even harder.

OK, but I expect you to come in the spirit of peace,

because I can't handle conflict right now, Heather.

Don't make me separate the two of you.

Won't come from me. I won't start it.

No, but you'll finish it, Heather,

and that's what I'm worried about.

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

What about...

..that one?

(INHALES SHARPLY) It's from a gym in Wodonga.

Maybe cancel it, mate.

PFS Health Insurance!

- Mmm! - (LAUGHS)

- Arggh! Jesus! - Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry.

- God! - Here we go.

- And the winner is... - (GROANS)

Uh..."Dear Mr Chigwell," yadda-yadda-ya...

.."We are writing to advise you that your...

"..membership has expired."

It's dated 21 October 2013.

(SIGHS)

- Mate. - Fuck.

Listen.

I've got insurance on the business.

Could we just say my business was doing your reno?

I'm not sure that'd hold water.

Or...

..could we just say it happened on the Fordham Crescent job?

- Last week? - Yeah, but I don't want you to be doing anything dodgy.

Nah, I've been paying those premiums for years.

Plus, you remember when Bucket snapped his fingers in the semifinal?

- Yeah. - He just said he did it on site on the Monday. He was fine.

BEN: God love him, Simmo didn't have a "Benny, you're a dickhead" face at all.

And we really could have used one in the room that day.

Alright.

I don't want you lying for me.

Now, you did... Yeah, no, no, no.

You didn't see anything. You're just going off what I said happened.

Mate, whatever. I just... I can't have you losing a year of your life

'cause some fool put spin on a wrench chuck.

It's alright.

Wow! It's big.

HARRY: I didn't imagine your introduction to the house would be like this.

- He's here, he's here. - XAVIER: Like what?

Oh, my God! Javier!

Hello. (LAUGHS)

Did you invite him over?

- (DOOR OPENS) - Jeez!

(DOOR CLOSES)

Ho ho! The man himself! At long last!

- Hello. - Sweet. Javier!

Oh. It's, uh...it's Xavier.

Oi. You mind if I call you Javier?

Uh, please. No, it's a lovely twist.

He's, uh, off his face on oxy. It's just hit him.

Half his luck. Yeah, hey, I'm so sorry about your shoulder.

Oi, listen, don't get spooked, but we're all a bit obsessed with you.

I even joined Insta so I can follow you.

And I only follow three people.

You, Michelle Obama, Nicky Winmar. That's it. (LAUGHS)

- Well, that feels like an honour. - (BOTH LAUGH)

This is Heather.

Ah, yes, the living legend.

- What? - HARRY: And Ainsley.

- Oh! - Oh! Hello.

I am gonna go out on a limb here

and say you are the pregnant one.

(LAUGHS) A risk-taker! Electric!

So lovely to meet you!

And, uh...and this is Liz.

- Hey. - XAVIER: Liz.

- The real estate agent, yes? - HARRY: Oh, no.

No, that's...that's Ainsley. This is Liz, the lawyer.

Oh, yeah, well, part-time lawyer, part-time receptionist.

- Full-time sensation! (LAUGHS) - (HARRY LAUGHS)

Liz is like the, uh... the Grace to my Will,

or the Will to my Grace, even.

I'm not sure which one of us is which.

Uh, I'm...I'm sure I mentioned her several times.

Yeah. Oh, look, look.

I...I smoked a lot of pot in my 20s,

so I have a memory like a sieve.

(OTHERS LAUGH)

- Nice to meet you. - Yeah.

OK. Liz, lawyer.

Ben, I've been, um, speaking with my friends in orthopaedics.

They all say your surgeon is one of the best.

Also one of the most expensive.

Yeah, well, that's not a problem, because...

..I'm covered.

And I think...

..Heather doubted me for a sec, but all's forgiven now,

and, uh, yeah, I'm booked in for next week.

Oh, good.

BEN: Yep. I thought I had it all sewn up nicely.

Aside from the light insurance fraud.

Everything felt pretty airtight.

Oi.

That is some good-lookin' facial hair you've got there, mate.

- Thank you. - (LAUGHS) Is that natural?

- Uh, yeah. - Or you have to work for it?

Little bit of work. No-nothing too much... Oh!

You right there, mate? You... Timber!

There we are. Oop! Now we're going the other way.

OTHERS: Whoa!

Lovely to see you, Heather. How are you?

I'm very well, Lachlan. Thank you for asking. Yourself?

Couldn't be better.

Nice pants.

Thank you.

Buy them specially?

- I did. - Gonna wear them to the birth?

Actually, I was thinking more skin-to-skin for the birth.

- You realise I'll be in the room? - I do.

Alright! Should we hit the road?

Uh, actually, I'm quite keen

to get a look at the nursery, if I could,

just to see how it's coming along.

Ben!

BEN: Yeah, probably seems like there's a ton of work,

but that's a bum steer, 'cause it's really just the...

..phrip...phiperals.

Phiper... What am I trying to say?

- Uh, peripherals, yeah. - Yeah.

It's mostly the peripherals.

Are you...OK?

Feeling pretty good, yeah. Thanks for asking.

He's on pretty strong pain medication.

He has to have a shoulder reconstruction.

Isn't a reconstruction...

..isn't that months of healing?

Please don't stress about it.

Well, I'm sorry, Ains, but this is my baby's nursery.

I'm genetically hard-wired to stress about it.

What's your worry in particular?

- Uh... - Is it the waterproofing or the double glazing?

Uh, my concern is that my daughter

is already very responsive to her environment,

and there's very little time and clearly a huge amount of work

for one part-time labourer.

I'll get it done.

I'll go round the clock if I have to.

Well, I don't think anyone's in a position

to afford an around-the-clock labourer.

Nah.

No charge.

Simmo.

It's...it's too much. (LAUGHS)

Just what you do.

(ALL EXHALE SLOWLY)

Good. And coming up one arm.

Breathe in. Two, three, four.

And down. Two, three, four.

Look, I'm not questioning his motives...

- Well, you are. - ..but he clearly has feelings for you.

- He doesn't! - So what if he does?

- Heather! - And breathing in. Two, three.

Hold it if you can.

So what if he's motorboating her morning, noon and night?

How does that concern you?

Well, Heather, that general area has to sustain my child's life, so...

You have no claim to those breasts, Lachlan.

No talking now. Just exhaling.

Two, three, four.

Look, in the interests of full disclosure, there was a time

when Simmo did express some interest.

- I knew it! - That was a long time ago!

He's clearly got an agenda.

He's overestimating what he can achieve,

and frankly, in renovation terms, that is a health hazard!

OK, you're benched. Red card. I'm subbing in. Go.

Inhaling, gently.

- Benny! - (DOG BARKS)

Oi! Benny, where are ya?

- Benny! - BEN: What?

- What's up, mate? You alright? - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

- What are you doing? - Come on.

- Where are we going? - Quick!

(STOPS ENGINE)

- Simmo? - (SIGHS)

Talk to me, mate.

Listen, I don't want to worry ya, but...

..I just had a visit from an insurance lady at the site.

- Yep? - (SIGHS)

Uh...

..she asked me to take her round...

..show her where you had your fall,

or...where we said you had your fall.

She asked me heaps of questions.

What kind of questions?

Well, she wanted to know why you didn't go to the hospital

till four days after the date we put on the form.

Oh... (SQUEAKS)

What did you say?

Mate, I'm so sorry.

You know how I kind of have a panic

if I have to do a breathalyser or a licence check,

even if I'm fine?

(SIGHS) I was like that.

Um...

It's...it's...it's alright. We just...

..say we didn't think it was that bad at first.

Mate, I'm so sorry.

At one point, she asked me if I needed to sit down

and take a couple of deep breaths.

Mmm.

(SIGHS)

It was actually really helpful.

- Was it? - Yeah.

Oh. Hi. I'm Sharon Prateki. I'm from VicCover.

Just looking for, um, Ben Chigwell.

Oh, look, I'm sorry. He's not here at the moment.

Uh...can I help? I'm Heather. I live with him.

Oh. Are you his, um, partner or...?

- Yeah. Yes, I am. - OK.

Well, we just need to chat through the details of Ben's accident.

Assess the hospital record, X-rays, etc, etc.

- Right. - All very standard.

Um, if you could get him to call me.

- Sure. - Thank you.

Um, there isn't any question of his injury, is there?

'Cause, uh, as a practising nurse,

I can assure you, he sustained a serious injury.

I saw the whole thing.

Oh, you were present at the time of the accident?

Yeah, yeah, um... we're renovating the shed.

He was a good, I don't know, nine feet up a ladder when he fell.

Jesus. I mean, the sound of that shoulder snapping.

If it was on TV, they would have put up a warning first. (LAUGHS)

Oh, hang on. Here he is. Ben.

- Uh, Sharon, isn't it? - Mmm.

Ben, this is Sharon. She's from the insurance people.

Mr Chigwell, your partner tells me

that the accident occurred here?

On these premises?

What?

Oh, that's...

No, it's not. It's, uh...

I might have buggered some of the forms.

I'm sorry, I'm not great with, um...paperwork...

..or dates or addresses, and it was hard to tell when...

..or where...

..the accident actually happened.

It's a simple question, Ben.

Did the accident occur on these premises?

Yep. Yeah, it did.

OK.

Well, your claim suggested otherwise,

so this is now a much more complicated process.

What does that mean?

I'm gonna have to refer your case to our legal department.

We take all fraudulent claims very seriously,

and there are significant penalties.

Someone will be in touch.

..and, Ben, you have definitely committed a criminal act.

(SIGHS)

On the upside, you haven't yet had surgery

or received any compensation,

so you won't be facing some of the more severe charges,

but you can still be charged under the...

..Workplace Injury Rehabilitations and Compensations Act,

in the fraud section.

Worst-case scenario?

- Up to two years' jail. - (SIGHS)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

I'd better call Joe.

Sorry? Who's Joe?

Oh, shit. Yeah, sorry.

It's, um...he's my brother. He's a big-shot lawyer.

You've got a big-shot lawyer standing right in front of you.

Ben, the first call that you need to make is to the insurer.

You need to withdraw that claim.

And then I think you should go in and make a full confession

as soon as possible before charges are laid.

It's just, when I had my legal stuff last time,

I didn't tell Joe and he was pretty angry,

and he always said, anything ever happened again,

I had to call him straight off the bat.

Ben, forget your brother

and do what the sensible, intelligent woman

is telling you to do!

(DOOR CLOSES)

BEN: Of course, I couldn't sleep,

so, about 3am, I went the late-night email to my brother.

(SIGHS)

"Bit of a problem, mate. Could be up on charges again.

"I don't know yet. It seems likely."

"And you always said you wanted the heads-up

"if anything like that happened, so...

"..maybe give us a call?"

(SIGHS)

"You know, it'd be great to catch up."

(SIGHS)

(HOLD MUSIC PLAYS)

(LAUGHS)

I'm sorry about the wait. He's just...he's a busy fella.

How long since you've seen him?

Probably Mia's birthday.

She'd have been...10, maybe 11.

- (HOLD MUSIC ENDS) - Arse hat! How are ya?

WOMAN: Ben, it's Bethany Marks for Mr Chigwell.

Are you happy to hold for another few minutes?

No worries. Thank you, Bethany.

(HOLD MUSIC PLAYS)

(GROANS)

- 'Arse hat'? - Yeah. It suits him.

Where exactly is he?

I'm not sure. I mean, he... he pretty much lives in hotels.

Done a bit better than me on the financial front.

Yeah, I'm getting that sense.

(CHUCKLES)

- (HOLD MUSIC ENDS) - MAN: You fuckin' knob-end!

(LAUGHS) Good to hear your voice, mate. How are you?

Yeah, a little bit of insurance fraud this time, eh, you bloody idiot?

Uh, hey, Joey, just...just so you know,

I've got my, um...

..legal eagle here with me - Lizzie.

Uh, hello, Joseph. It's nice to meet you, albeit over the phone.

Um...s-sorry. What was your name?

Oh, it's Liz.

Liz Wendell.

Right. And you're representing my brother?

Well, no, um, I've not been formally engaged, no,

but I...I have been advising Ben to this point.

Yeah. She's my housemate, mate.

And she also happens to be a...a legal gun.

Um...OK, sorry.

Um, Lisa, who are you with? Which firm?

I'm...I'm not, um, with a firm presently.

Uh, my background is family law.

But I have been liaising with several insurance fraud specialists,

who unanimously suggest the same strategy.

Right. And, uh...

..what is that strategy?

Well, that Ben go immediately to the insurer

and make a full and frank confession.

- Hello? - Ben?

I told you to contact me straightaway.

I couldn't have been any clearer.

Yeah, well, I...I came to you pretty much straightaway.

Uh, Lisa, would Ben be allowed to have

a lawyer present while making this, um...confession?

Well...

..well, no, the...the insurer hasn't agreed to that,

so he'd be going on his own,

but I'd be working closely with him to craft a statement.

Yeah. Um...OK, Lisa, that's... that's not gonna work.

- It...it's locked in, mate. - Sorry?

Sorry, what...what... what do you mean, locked in?

Well, I've managed to secure a time on Thursday at 3pm.

OK, um...

..yeah, you're...you're gonna need to cancel that.

Um...OK, here's what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna start calling around.

You need an experienced criminal lawyer, Benno.

I'm gonna jump on a plane.

By the time I land, I'll have it all sorted.

And in the meantime, Ben...

..do not fucking sign anything!

OK, it's...it's Liz, by the way.

As in Elizabeth. It's not Lisa.

Yeah, he's... he's not big on goodbyes.

OK, I'm sorry, Ben, I know that he's...he's your brother,

but he is an absolute prick.

Yeah, a good lawyer would have checked the call had ended.

(JOSEPH HANGS UP)

BEN: I don't know if it was out of the goodness of her heart

or just a determination to smash my brother...

No.

..but Lizzie went on an absolute mission

to prove her idea would work.

No.

OK, Ben, don't ramble, just keep it really simple - to three things.

One, you panicked.

Two, you were on a lot of drugs. Three, you are deeply ashamed.

Righto.

OK, "I'm here today because I was incorrect

"about the date and location of my accident."

Good.

Uh, "I was in a lot of pain, so I was panicking.

"I was on drugs, and..."

Do you think I should specify prescription drugs with my record?

- No. - "My partner's a nurse. There's no mucking around..."

No, no. You're rambling, Ben. Three words.

Panic, drugs, shame.

Panic, drugs, shame. Again.

She got the whole house writing references.

LIZ: OK, just make it clear

that Ben's building the nursery voluntarily,

so you'd be homeless without him.

- He's a saviour, a Messiah. - OK.

- You alright? - Do I look alright?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm not sure how much of the anger I'm feeling

belongs to Ben for this current fuck-up

and how much of it really is about

the last three decades of my life.

I don't even know how you're writing the reference.

I'm actually just cut-and-pasting

the one I wrote for Timmy's DUI, so...

She even got Hazza to make a return appearance.

It's good.

Could you just stress how much medication he was on?

Uh, OK.

And obviously, how that may have impaired his judgement.

OK.

Hey. Are...are we OK?

Did I fuck up your first meet cute with Xavier?

Because you...seem kind of angry.

- I'm not angry. - You are bristling with anger.

No, I'm...I'm bristling with adrenaline.

I'm...I'm trying to help Ben avoid going to jail.

And it has nothing to do with Xavier?

Harry, I'm really happy for you. I just wasn't prepared for...

..how much I'd miss you, and I feel shitty,

and I hate myself for that, but I'm...I'm in lawyer mode.

I can't make that emotional gear change right now.

- I need to stay focused. - (SIGHS) OK.

Is there anything I can do to help?

No. Just write a decent reference for Ben.

I did! You just said it was good.

I lied.

- What's happening? - I didn't wake you, did I?

No, nothing wakes me anymore except my bladder.

(LAUGHS) Look. I hope this is OK.

But I thought if I set up here,

I could knock off all the travel time to and from the old girl's.

- Simmo. - Yeah.

Uh, I just hope you're not doing any of this

because you and I have had, uh...

(SIGHS)

..history.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Ains...

..I'm not gonna pretend I'm not keen on you,

but I'm not doin' any of this to have a crack.

My mum was a single mum.

So...

Oh, yep.

Yeah. No, it's five minutes, mate. There's no expectations.

Yeah, I can do any time in the next, um...

..six to eight hours, probably.

Um...

- You right? - Yeah.

Look, I'd appreciate that, but if we haven't heard

by the, uh, close of business, then we'll call Ericsson.

- OK, bye. - Yeah? Yeah?

Um, Bethany, uh, no more calls, please.

(SIGHS)

- Cock muppet. - Shit stick.

Your head's still too big.

Got another new chin. Did you declare that?

(LAUGHS)

Lucky you got your little broken wing there, mate.

- I could still take ya. - Yeah?

You must be Elizabeth.

- Uh, Heather. - Heather, mate.

- Yeah. - Oh, Heather.

- Yeah! - Yeah. Oh, God. Benno's told me a lot about you.

Oh, good. Yep.

- Uh, do you want to come in? - Yeah, come in, mate.

- Yeah. - Nice place.

Yeah.

Oh, you cheap bastard!

- Jesus, Ben! - Fucking idiot!

- What? You started it. - Jesus!

- I'm so sorry. - It's alright. It's OK.

- It's alright. I've got it. - Well, he started out the back.

- Joe, come... - JOSEPH: Sorry.

Sorry, mate. Um, Joe, this is Harry and Ains.

- Welcome! - Great to meet you.

- Sorry, Anne? - Oh, Ainsley.

LIZ: Ains-ley.

Yeah, and this is, uh, Lizzie, from the...

Elizabeth Wendell. Hello.

Hello.

Uh, Joseph, I think we may have got off on the wrong foot.

Uh, I'd like to apologise for my language on that call.

OK. Well, um, I've got some good news, actually.

Uh, I've managed to secure the services of Robert Ishak.

BEN: Who's Robert Ishak?

- JOSEPH: Oh, he's the best... - He's the best...

LIZ AND JOSEPH: ..criminal lawyer in Melbourne.

Well, actually, in the whole country.

And he's agreed to meet with us today at 4:30.

Unfortunately, that... that won't be possible.

Ben will be in a meeting with the insurer.

What?

- Yeah, it's this arvo. - It's at 3pm.

Right. Sorry, I thought we agreed there wasn't gonna be a confession.

Would anyone like a cup of tea?

- No, thanks. - I'm fine.

Yeah. I might. (LAUGHS)

Um...Benno, can we... can we have a little private...

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah? Yep?

Just one second.

- (DOOR CLOSES) - What's happened? Was that for real?

Mate, why the hell would you voluntarily go on record

when there's still a chance...

Joe, just...look, can you just shut up for two seconds and...

..I don't know, tell me how youare?

- How...how I am? - Yeah.

(LAUGHS) Um...

..well, I'm on the wrong side of the world, Benno,

terrified my brother's gonna go down for fraud,

and, mate, I can't keep jumping on a plane every...

You know what? I didn't ask you to jump on a plane.

Yeah, but you knew the second you sent that email

that I was gonna turn up.

- (SIGHS) Yep. - (JOSEPH SIGHS)

Listen, mate, I've got nothing against Liz.

I'm sure she's a really great flatmate...

I'm not doing this 'cause Lizzie told me to.

I want to do it because to me, it feels like the right thing to do.

Yeah, but this is not about feelings, mate.

It's about facts. And the fact is, you could end up in jail!

Is that the right thing?

- For your daughter? - Oh, mate.

To have her dad in jail for the second time?

Nah.

Joe, it means a lot that you came, alright?

But it'd probably mean a whole lot more

if you just let me help myself.

Mate, the last time you tried to help yourself...

- HARRY: He is attractive. - AINSLEY: Just how rich is he?

We're talking millions, aren't we?

Yeah, probably. Do you know what he does?

He invests in office blocks.

Right, so he buys office blocks, ups the rent. That's it.

- You've already googled him? - Just lightly.

What? Lose the face. I google everyone.

I like you in this mode. (LAUGHS)

BEN: Righto.

We had a bit of a back-and-forth.

Looks like we're all on the confession train, so...

I genuinely think that that's the best option.

And I genuinely think it's a disaster waiting to happen,

but, hey, the money's on you, Liz.

Yeah. I don't know. The whole drug defence is questionable.

- Why? - Is it?

Yeah, well, it just begs the question,

why didn't you come forward as soon as they began to dissipate?

Well, we've anticipated that

and we've practised for it, haven't we, Ben?

Huh? Yeah. Yep.

And the... the short answer is that...

..they didn't - I'm still on drugs.

- Mate, you can't say that! - That's not what we rehearsed.

- You can't... Oh. - Jesus Christ!

Well, what do youthink I should say?

Listen, mate. It's not too late to cancel this, alright?

You can still go and see Robert.

- No, I can't. - But just don't ramble.

And if you can't remember all three, just stick to shame. You're so ashamed.

We can be at his office in about half an hour.

Shame!

Panicked.

- (DOOR OPENS) - Shit.

- Morning. - Good morning.

I'm Karen Staffieri. I believe you know my colleague Sharon.

Sharon and Karen?

(LAUGHS) Jeez, you must have a bit of fun with that around the office.

Not really.

But if you added in a Darren, you'd...

Also present, Pip Cole, who'll be taking an audio recording

and notes for our reference.

I'll try not to speak too quick.

That's not necessary.

Meeting between VicCover and Mr Benjamin Chigwell

in regards to claim AZF-34-C318.

I believe you've got character references?

Yep. Uh...there we go. (SIGHS)

And you've prepared a statement?

I have, Your Honour, yep.

I'm not a judge, Mr Chigwell.

Oh, sorry. Force of habit.

Fuck.

In your own time.

Um...uh...

(SIGHS)

(AMPLIFIED) OK. I'm here today because...

You don't have to be so close to it.

- Sorry. - (FEEDBACK)

(SIGHS)

I'm here because in my claim,

I was incorrect about the date and location of, uh...

Sorry.

I'm here because, um...

..uh, I lied.

I mean, I'm here today...

..because I lied.

(MACHINE BEEPS)

JOSEPH: Yeah, well, my flight's at nine, so I can do...

..any time between now and about seven.

OK. OK.

Yeah, OK, great. I'll... I'll wait to hear from you.

OK, yep. OK. Thanks, Bethany.

Liz, uh...slight chance

I might need to step away, uh, quite quickly,

so can...can I get your details?

To pass them on to Bethany, my EA.

You know, so I can get updates.

S-sorry, what do you need to step away to?

You've just got on a plane on incredibly short notice

because your brother's facing potential jail time.

And what could be more important than that?

Well, it's... it's kind of related.

Why...why do you make your EA get people on the phone

10 minutes before you're even ready to speak to them?

- I mean, what's that about? - Well, that...

..that actually saves me about 45 minutes a day.

Do you know how many people

I would cop that level of self-importance from?

Four. The Prime Minister, the Pope, the Queen and Beyonce.

- That's it. - Really?

Mmm.

So that's a no, then, to passing on your details?

And...and this is no excuse,

but I was on a lot of drugs at the time.

I...I mean, not enough to touch the pain, but...

..enough to do a number on my head.

And...

..I just wasn't thinking right.

Oh, and I am so ashamed.

Nonetheless, Mr Chigwell, you maintained the claim

for a significant amount of time.

I'm ashamed of that too.

So are you saying that you "weren't thinking right"

for that entire period?

Well, to be honest, I'm still a bit zoned out now.

You know, just prescription stuff, just... Nothing...suss.

Look, I...and I know I'm not supposed to say this, but...

..uh, I was em-embarrassed.

I was trying to be a hero, I was trying to impress a lady,

and... (LAUGHS)

..you know, just to add a bit of icing to the dickhead cake,

I'm already in a relationship with her.

It's just...Heather.

You've met her, Sharon. Karen, you'd love her. She's a cracker.

She's kind and...

..clever and...

..I've never loved anyone like her.

And usually if I get close to something this good,

I stuff it up, but she's, um...

..she's still puttin' up with me.

And she's got a couple of boys in their 20s

and a...ex-hubby, he's a lovely fella.

He's, um... Yeah, anyway, the point is...

..she's been let down by too many men in her life, and...

..the thought of being another one... (SIGHS)

..just...

..well, bugger that.

(SIGHS)

So. (SIGHS)

Heather.

Yes?

Well, she...she's a...

..bit of a departure from Ben's usual, uh...

..lady friends.

In what sense?

Well, um...

..I didn't expect her to be so, um...

- Much older than Ben? - No. No...

Yet if a 50-year-old man was dating a 37-year-old woman,

would anyone talk about the age gap then?

Liz, you have just totally jumped to a conclusion there.

- Really? - Yeah.

What aspect of Heather were you referring to?

Her...curly hair.

Right.

So Ben has a history

of dating exclusively straight-haired women?

Yep. I mean, sometimes, um, it's a bit wavy.

But, um...I mean, no out-and-out curls like Heather.

(LAUGHS) I mean... well, not to my knowledge.

(SIGHS)

You know, you're not at all what I was imagining.

Well, you're exactly what I was imagining.

Really?

Actually...

..no. No, I was...

..expecting an older version of Ben.

Huh.

You know, we were pretty much identical when we were kids.

He was my best mate. (LAUGHS)

- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, shit!

Sorry. (SIGHS)

Oh! I have to get this. Sorry.

Uh, Bethany?

Yeah.

OK, great. Yeah. I-I'm travelling now. OK. Bye.

Um, sorry. I have to... I have to go. (LAUGHS) Sorry.

Oh, um...uh...

..I'll get Bethany to organise a car for you and Ben.

(SIGHS)

Un-fucking-believable.

How did you go?

Uh...

..I don't know - I was pretty loose in there.

Where's Joe?

Oh, oh, he had urgent business. He took off like a scalded cat.

He's gonna get his EA to organise us a lift home.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

BETHANY: Ms Wendell, it's Bethany here.

Just wanting to organise cars

for both yourself and Mr Chigwell.

Terrific, Bethany. Just one will be sufficient.

Actually, is Mr Chigwell there?

I understand he may be with you.

Am I under surveillance?

Not that I'm aware of.

- It's for you. - Hey?

- Hey. This is Ben. - Ben!

Are you available to meet right now with surgeon Eunice Tran

at her consulting rooms in Richmond?

Uh...well, no, not really.

If it's about the money, rest assured,

all associated costs with the appointment

and any resultant surgery

have been met in full by your brother.

- What?! - That's right.

Uh, well, is he there? Can...can I speak to him?

I'm afraid he's on a conference call.

Can I send a driver to pick you up right now?

Yeah. Yeah. OK. No worries. Thanks.

He's paid for my surgery.

Shut the gate!

I...no, I would like to withdraw my previous comments

in their entirety without qualification.

- I can't let him pay for it! - Oh!

Yes...yeah, you can. You...you will!

- It could be 30, 40 grand. - No, it's probably more.

But...but if he wants to... he wants to do it,

then he can do it, so...you just let him do it.

HARRY: Oh, she's here.

OK. I have red, white, vodka and miscellaneous processed food.

- Tell me everything. - OK, some headlines.

He negged me all day. He was astoundingly rude.

And then just... ridiculously generous.

Oh, and, uh, just one more thing.

Harry told me the whole story.

And I've just spent the past two hours

googling this Joseph Chigwell.

So far, I've found lots of university pics from the late '90s,

video footage of a keynote address he gave

at a conference in Dubai,

and photos of at least two previous partners.

Show me fucking everything.

- Where do you want me to start? - I want complete humiliation.

I want bad haircuts, dubious social comments, weight fluctuations.

OK.

Too fast. Go...go back. Go back.

Go back.

- Oh. - Mmm.

- OK. - (PHONE CHIMES)

No, stop, stop.

(GASPS) It's Ben.

He's not going to jail! Oh, God!

Uh, he's...he's got a... a $2,000 fine

and mandatory probity training, but no charge!

- (SCREAMS) Yes! - OK.

- Hey, Lizzie! (LAUGHS) - (LIZ SQUEALS)

- Oh, God! Oh, sorry. - No, no, no. It's alright.

It's alright. I've just gotta...

Actually, do you want to, um... do you want to do the honours?

I haven't told Joe yet.

Oh...oh, no, no. I couldn't...

I couldn't impinge on... Yes.

Well, just...take it easy on him. Yeah, yeah, it's...

- (RINGING TONE) - Yes. Yep.

BETHANY: You've reached Joseph Chigwell's phone. Bethany speaking.

Hello, Bethany. It's Elizabeth Wendell speaking.

I was wondering if Joseph might be available.

Unfortunately, Mr Chigwell just cleared customs.

Can I take a message?

Um, the message is that his brother has indeed...

..avoided all charges.

Oh! Lovely. Well, I'll be sure to...

The chosen strategy was entirely successful.

OK.

Just best possible outcome.

Uh, 2,000 bucks is pretty steep in my book.

Six words, really.

"Ben got off. Liz was right."

Thank you so much, Bethany. I hope you have a nourishing weekend.

- Ah! (LAUGHS) - Ah!

Shove that up your arse, you...

..you "I get people on the phone 10 minutes early."

"I'm sorry, Lisa. What firm are you with?"

I amthe fucking firm, bitch! Whoo!

- Whoo! - Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Did I hang up the phone?

I did end the call! Whoo!

- Whoo! - BEN: Go, Lizzie!

- You did it. - We did it.

- She did it. - Youdid it.

(ALL LAUGH)

Next time on Five Bedrooms...

HARRY: It's Diwali tomorrow, and in a bit of a historic first,

Mum has invited you all to her house for the festivities.

And...also...

And you've, uh...

..you've told Akshay Mama about Xavier?

You've told him he's my boyfriend?

No, no, Harpreet. Everyone will be there just as friends.

Is Xavier OK with this?

Oh, well, I haven't invited him yet. But he'll be fine.

Will Manju ever tell the family?

I want to tell Akshay Mama.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

- Harpreet! - I just wanted to see you because...I have some news.