Original subtitles

When I was 18, you were...

- How old were you? - No, what I'm saying is...

Jesus! You were three, Ben. You were three years old.

HARRY: I don't know if I'm built for sudden sexual adventure.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I think my soul is already

a timid, slightly terrified late-50s man.

- Stuart. - (BABY FUSSES)

HARRY: That's Liz's ex-husband.

There is still something between us, Liz.

And there probably always will be.

But we missed our time.

BEN: Polished floorboards.

Skylight. Ains, you look like you're stressing out.

And I know there's a ton of work to be done.

No. Is it possible that I could feel the baby move this early?

AINSLEY: As soon as we moved into the new house,

my baby planning went into overdrive.

I was certain I'd never be one of those mothers

who obsessed over every tiny detail.

But just one week in,

with half our moving boxes still unpacked,

I found myself making a short list of cornice options

for a nursery that was still technically a garage.

I'm torn between the embossed leaf

and the contemporary Deco - what do you think?

I'm just focused on the structural integrity

at this point, Ains.

But Iwas determined

by the time I got to meet you,

everything would be perfect.

- (HEARTBEAT) - WOMAN: Hmm.

That's what we want to hear. A good strong heartbeat.

- Oh, and a lovely big yawn. - (LAUGHS)

Are we finding out the sex today?

No, we're not, um, but...

..would you find out and pop it in this envelope?

Of course.

We're having a gender reveal party.

Oh, lovely. Everybody's doing it.

Who's everybody?

It's not a big deal! Dad and Cheryl are gonna be here anyway.

So it's just a bit of extra fun.

Is it, though? Feels like overkill.

I'm not gonna go overboard with balloons or confetti.

It's just a simple cake, it's good, clean fun, and I'm doing it.

Copy that.

I can't believe we're as big as an avocado.

- How cute was the yawn? - Oh, my God! How cute was that?

Oh, what a genius. Already bored.

Do you think I'm a wanker if I post this as my pregnancy announcement?

Ains, you know I'm gonna say yes,

but this is your moment with your baby.

You can share it however you like.

MANJU: Is it so inconceivable

that I might actually know what I'm doing, huh?

I think you know exactly what you're doing,

and that's actually what I find most terrifying.

It's Martin's nephew, he is a homosexual,

and he has a lovely speaking voice.

I'm sorry, Mum, it's just... it...it's not enough notice.

Ainsley's dad and his wife are staying with us this weekend, right?

- Yes. - So we've promised to be on hand.

- Hello, Manju! - Hello, hello, hello!

- So, how was it? - So wonderful!

- Aww! - (LAUGHS)

The child has your nose. Thank goodness.

Is it a boy or a girl?

We're actually saving that for the gender reveal on Sunday,

which you're more than welcome to come to, Manju.

Is that like a baby shower?

HARRY: Oh, it's, like, not quite the same, but...

Thank you! Harry's heard of it.

- HARRY: Everyone's doing them. - Who's everybody?

HARRY: Oh, like, three friends from uni in the past six months.

I've heard of them. I don't understand them.

There's not really that much to it.

Just, isn't the whole notion of gender stereotypes a bit...

..out of step, you know, a bit antiquated or reductive?

I think the truth of whether one is a boy or a girl

emerges only over time.

When Harpreet was born, it seemed so simple -

a son who will bear many, many grandchildren. (SIGHS)

But the truth over time is much more complicated.

OK, Mum, there's actually no gender confusion here.

I'm just a boy who likes boys.

Then perhaps I'm the one who has the gender confusion.

AINSLEY: Yeah, it really wasn't supposed to generate this much debate.

- (GASPS) - It's just a cha... What?

Is Lachlan's wife on social media?

Why?

Uh..."Who's the baby daddy?

"Oh, that's right - my fucking husband,

"whose child I am rightfully carrying!"

Exclamation mark, exclamation mark.

"Shame, shame, shame on you, you home-wrecking whore."

Full stop.

Oh, and then it gets really nasty.

They weren't together. I mean, not once when Lach...

Ains, you don't have to justify yourself.

Just erase that shit. Block her.

Don't read it again! Just delete it.

- (PHONE RINGS) - (GROANS)

Who is it?

Cheryl! Hello. How are you?

CHERYL: Hello, darling.

I'm a little confused.

I've just seen some very disturbing comments

on your social media.

I see.

Who on earth is HotYoga84 and why is she calling you a whore?

Uh... (LAUGHS)

Oh, no, that...that was just a little friendly prod.

It's nothing to worry about. I've already forgotten it.

I took screenshots, if that's helpful.

I don't think it is.

Obviously, I've said nothing to your father, but...

..I need to know.

Is HotYoga84 married to Lachlan?

Yes, she is.

And is she also pregnant?

She is.

Uh, I would like to stress

that they were very much separated

when Lachlan and I got together, so there are no victims here.

- Is that Ains? - Yes, it is.

And you'll be late.

- Give her my love. - Dad sends his love.

Oh, please send it back.

He's gone.

Look, Cheryl... there's...there's really no need

for Dad to know about any of this,

and...and there's absolutely no need for concern.

In any case, please call me if something else comes up.

I'd prefer not to learn about these things on social media.

- Have you seen my referral? - Darling, Dad needs help.

Oh, go, go. Yep. We'll see you tomorrow.

(CHERYL HANGS UP)

I'm gonna reach out to Melanie.

- Why? - I...don't know.

But I just feel an overwhelming urge to heal things.

You can't heal Melanie. She's too far gone. And she's not your problem.

Well...I don't happen to agree.

Get Dipshit to sort it out!

- LIZ: We good? - Mmm.

Wow, Lizzie, that shirt is giving me

laid-back, sexy sophistication.

- Oh. Thank you. - What am I giving you?

Uh, mate, I'm getting first class international flight vibe.

(SCOFFS) I don't even want to go.

- Do not start. - I'm not starting.

There's no out clause. We made a commitment to each other.

- Two candidates each every week. - Who's on the menu tonight?

Roger, 33. Extensive traveller.

His body is a temple. Acrobat. And he loves Indian food.

- Interesting. - Sounds promising. Lizzie? Who you got?

Uh, 41-year-old Marcus. Never been married. No children.

Loves exercise, fine wine and long conversations.

Oh, that could be a surprise package.

Yeah. Could we just go through one more time?

I'll emergency-backdoor-call you at the 45-minute mark...

And I'll return serve 15 minutes later.

I...I don't want to be the one to say this.

Well, then don't say it.

Are...are you two really giving this your best shot?

Yeah, clearly. I mean, I can barely walk in these shoes.

Yeah, but if you've already sussed out your escape route.

I mean, you're not gonna learn to swim

while you're hanging on to the lifeboat, are you?

- Thanks for that. - Who's the lifeboat?

So, anyway...I'm sorry, Ben.

I mean, you literally walked out of your bedroom

and into a relationship, or an alleged relationship.

What do you mean, 'alleged'?

Well, I'm...I'm yet to see any romantic displays

between the two of you.

I'm more affectionate with you than Heather.

What are you talking about? We share a bedroom!

When it comes to romance, I know what's best for me.

- What about Hazza? - I know what's best for him too.

- Come on. Chop chop. - (SIGHS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

Oh. Hey. Is everything OK?

- We're fine. - (SIGHS)

I thought I could pick up your dad and Cheryl

if that might be helpful.

- They're driving the car. - Oh, of course.

- It's why they love the ferry. - The ferry.

What team does he barrack for, again?

St Kilda. But don't mention the footy.

I thought that footy was a safe zone, Ains.

- Oh! And don't mention climate change. - OK.

Or council rates or the International Olympic Committee.

Are you across this?

When did that...

It's been happening all day. Several comments.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry, Ains.

Uh...she's been having a rough trot of late.

- She doesn't mean most of it. - Oh.

Lovely. Yep. Here's another one. In all caps, of course.

"Wish Icould have posted an ultrasound shot.

"Couldn't. I was sick with the poison of betrayal."

And my stepmother called

to let me know she'd seen the comments.

- No! - Yes. Very much so.

- Oh, my God. - Yes. She hasn't told Dad.

He still doesn't know about Mel or her pregnancy.

But I need this harassment to stop.

Yeah. Of course. Uh, let me talk to her.

AINSLEY: No. Give me her number. I'll do it myself.

Ains, for your own safety, let me sort this out.

I promise you, I'll make it disappear.

Melanie is gonna be the mother of my child's sibling.

And even if you could, I wouldn't want you to.

That is beautiful, but I just worry

you might struggle to hang on to that feeling

if you actually talk to Mel.

- Are you gonna give me her number or not? - No.

AINSLEY: I didn't grow up with brothers or sisters.

Your grandma really wanted more kids, but she got too sick,

and then your grandpa wasn't really coping.

So it was a pretty quiet childhood,

in a pretty empty house.

But I was determined

you were gonna grow up surrounded by family.

Official family, unofficial family.

Friends, friends of friends.

And you were going to have your brother or sister.

(HEATHER SIGHS)

- Everyone's gone. - Yep.

Can I just bring something up real quick?

Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

I thought the whole point of us going official

was so that we would be free to do...

..more of this stuff whenever we like,

but we're...we're still hiding away from the others.

We're not hiding. I'm just not big on public displays of affection.

Yeah, yeah, I'm getting a bit of a 'don't touch me' vibe from ya,

in public, and in the house, and everywhere except...in here.

I am no way sending you a 'don't touch me' vibe.

I'm pretty keen for you to touch me.

Hang on, hang on, so, what, you're saying

that if I put my arm round you, plant a kiss on you in company,

you're all good with it?

Go for it. See what happens.

(HEATHER LAUGHS)

So, you've just come out of a relationship?

Oh, um...

..it was...it was a while ago.

I don't know if it even really qualifies as a relationship.

(CHUCKLES) We went on a few dates.

Vihaan and I were together for nearly three years.

I still miss him.

Aw.

You could be below 15% body fat.

I-I don't know what that means.

It's good. Well, it's better than good.

Anywhere between 21% and 35% is healthy. So...

Thank you.

Full disclosure - I had a bit of a health scare a while back.

- Oh. - It's mostly cleared up now.

Bowel-related. (CLEARS THROAT)

But I did, in 2015, get to 10%.

Wow.

Have you ever thought about documenting your physique?

It started in 2001 when I saw, uh...

..Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham with Shah Rukh Khan.

Have you seen it?

I just fell instantly in love.

And not just with Shah Rukh.

It was the...the saris, you know, the...the colour

and...and the music.

It all just felt like... coming home.

Mmm.

You know, it goes off on the gram. Check it.

Oh, wow. Oh, that's... that's you.

- Yeah. Yeah. - That's... Oh, thank you.

No, that's fine. I mean, I won't get down to that weight again.

I'm over 40 now and...

..down to one bowel movement a day.

Still, the one thing I regret from that time -

I never got professional shots taken.

Are they not professional shots?

Thank you. (LAUGHS) No.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh. I'm...I'm...I'm so sorry.

Oh, I...I do have to take this.

Uh, Dr Sethi.

LIZ: Sorry to bother you, Dr Sethi,

but we've had someone come in with extensive cranial trauma.

Uh, what sort of cranial trauma are we talking about?

Uh, his head's detached. It's completely detached from his body.

- Uh, is he still lucid? - Yes, very much so.

And, frankly, quite upbeat. He's not yet, um, deduced his lack of body.

But we think it would be good if you were here,

um, when he comes to that realisation.

- Of course. I'm on my way. - OK.

For the love of God, please get me out of here in five.

I've seen 47 pictures of this man's lats.

- I don't even know what a lat is. - Got it.

Roger, I'm s...I'm so, so sorry.

Don't...don't even think about apologising. It's fine.

You go. Just go. Seriously. I'll take care of this.

Uh, maybe you can get it next time.

Oh, that is so lovely.

But I just...I couldn't possibly. I'm so sorry.

HARRY: I didn't even know fitness photography was a thing.

LIZ: It's not a thing.

At least, not one that should be brought up on a first date.

- Nothing you should show. - (DOOR CLOSES)

HARRY: To be fair, you'd actually look really good in those clothes.

- BEN: Wow. Early night. - (BOTH LAUGH)

Very early. Eh? Both of you. Couple of duds?

- Oh, my God. Profoundly so. - Yes!

Yeah. But were they really duds?

Or just...duds compared to a cosy night in with your BFF,

pack of Tim Tams?

I see where you're going with this, but you're wrong.

They were both respectively and empirically terrible

in their own right.

If you can't nod convincingly, don't nod at all.

HARRY: Oh, look at that one. We have to re-create that.

AINSLEY: Do you have a minute?

What the fuck are you doing here?

I just want to talk to you.

- This is my place of business. - I know. I'm sorry.

But Lachlan wouldn't give me your number.

I can make an appointment if that helps.

- We're fully booked. - WOMAN: No, we're not.

There's nothing to see here, Gail.

This very confused woman was just asking me for directions,

and now I've given her directions and she's gonna take them.

Melanie, I understand that y-you're angry with me,

and I don't even blame you,

but the fact is, our children are gonna be siblings.

We have to find a way of being in each other's lives.

- What did she just say? - Shut up, Mum.

- I will not shut up! - Are you happy now?!

- Who the hell are you? - Shut up, Mum! She's nobody!

GAIL: Don't you dare go out that door!

You posted it all over social media.

I assumed your mum would know.

As if she'd be on socials! She still faxes shit!

- Melanie... - (DOOR OPENS)

Melanie, I am so sorry. I didn't come here to upset you.

Then stop trying to rub my face in it!

What?!

You won! OK? He chose you!

I haven't won anything!

I'm not with Lachlan and I don't want to be.

You're fucking glowing!

I'm bloated, I'm hungry, I'm nauseous.

It feels like I've sucked a big bag of metal dicks all day long!

All I eat is fucking shit, I'm pissing myself...

(SOBS) ..and I can't sleep!

Well, if it's any consolation, I think I'm sleeping too much.

Go fuck yourself.

(STARTS CAR)

Oh, my God.

Melanie, are you OK?

(GASPS) Look what you've done!

- Are you in any pain at all? - Yes!

Specifically from the car just now or...

OK, let's just get you to the hospital.

I'm fine.

(GAGS)

Oh, OK. We really should get you seen by a medical professional.

I'm not going to the hospital. But do you have any food?

At least come back to the house with me

and let Harry or Heather check you out.

Jesus Christ!

I just replaced that bloody bumper

when you drove into the hard rubbish collection!

Oh, no, I'm fine, Mum! Thanks for asking!

Where's your car?

MELANIE: Ow! You're hurting my underarms.

AINSLEY: I'm not touching your underarms. It's referred pain.

Here we go. Watch your head.

Ow.

What's going on here?

Uh, Melanie had a little car accident.

- What? When? - About half an hour ago.

Sorry... OK...

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! - Sorry. OK. Sorry. Sorry.

You should have gone to a hospital straightaway.

I don't do hospitals.

You're not feeling any light-headedness?

No more than usual.

You usually feel light-headed?

- For the past five months, yes. - OK. Anything else?

A lot of bloating, farting, constipation, rhoids.

- What are 'rhoids'? - Haemorrhoids.

- Piles. Nasal congestion. - OK.

Leg cramps, gastric reflux, snoring, nosebleeds,

vomiting and constant generalised pain.

- Did I say vomiting? - Yep.

I think it's the same morning sickness thing Kate Middleton had.

Please tell me you have an obstetrician.

Yeah. I'm in there every second day. He's useless.

Yeah, but he's across all this?

(PHONE RINGS)

- You want to get that? - It's just Gail.

My mum.

She's stalking me 'cause I stacked her car.

She's probably just calling to see if you're OK.

GAIL: There is a $2,000 excess on the insurance!

Where the hell am I gonna find that?!

What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Oh, uh, Gail, is it? Hi. I'm, uh, Heather.

As much as I can empathise with you re the insurance excess,

I'm afraid the bigger picture here might be

that your daughter is in worlds of pain.

Saying this as a nurse and a mother.

I've seen a lot of pregnancies in my time.

- And she's copped a partic... - (HICCUPS)

..ularly nasty one.

Well, my pregnancies were fine, so I'm sure hers will be too.

HEATHER: Yeah, it doesn't really work like that.

I know how it works, thank you very much!

When I went into labour...

OK, Ma. Gotta go. Gonna vom. (HANGS UP)

She seems nice.

I actually am gonna vom.

- OK. Can you get... - (VOMITS)

Oh!

She's dehydrated to the point of being disoriented.

She needs a shot of B6, lots of rest and a shit-ton of fluids.

What kind of fluids?

If this is some kind of plan of yours to smoke the peace pipe...

I just want to know...

Your old man and Fishlips are gonna be here in four hours,

staying in that room - you do realise that?

Yeah, I know that. What kind of fluids?

Ginger ale might help with the nausea.

Thank you! Now, please, keep an eye on her for me.

Hang on! Ains!

and he claims to be an art collector, a chef and a philanthropist.

Sounds classy.

Yeah, but is it class if he's promoting the fact?

At least your date wasn't engineered by your mother.

Oh, God. Is this a new rock bottom for me?

No different to being matched by an algorithm.

An algorithm won't give you follow-up calls

every half-hour for a month.

Why don't you two just curl up on the couch right now

and call it a night?

- There's no shame in that. - Zzt!

- How's Melanie? - What happened to Melanie?

Uh, she had a light car accident, so I brought her home.

- She's here now? - Yeah, she's asleep in my room.

You know we have to wake her up?

She hasn't slept through the night 82 nights in a row.

Waking her would be inhumane.

We need her out of the house. Your father is about to land.

What if I found an Airbnb for Dad and Cheryl?

- Just for the night. - You're not serious?

Maybe all Melanie needs is to feel at home for a bit.

She's not getting any support from anyone.

Does Colin have anyone in the granny flat right now?

Can we just break down what's really happening here?

Melanie has terrorised you, she's trolled you,

she's publicly eviscerated you,

and not only are you sacrificing your own bed,

you are now proposing

to make your father endure Colin's granny flat.

I think your instincts are so lovely, Ainsley.

Just...life isn't... a Disney movie.

AINSLEY: That's exactly what Lachlan said. OK.

Here it is. It's available. And it's listed for $150 a night.

Do not pay $150!

That's ridiculous.

Look, if... if you insist on doing this,

go to Colin's, look him in the eye

and knock him down to $70 at the absolute most.

Thank you, Heather.

Don't thank me. I didn't do anything.

Yeah, you did.

LIZ: Um, we should... we should get going.

Don't want to be...running late.

Are you gonna get an Uber or...?

HARRY: I might drive.

AINSLEY: More than happy to give anybody a lift.

(DOOR CLOSES)

And there we have it.

- Harpreet! Oh! - Hi, Mum.

As per your wishes, we'll pretend this is just a drop-in.

Those were not my wishes. My wishes were to not be set up at all.

And I was very clear about that.

Come, come. You look so handsome.

Look who's just dropped in.

- Oh! What a surprise! - Hi, Marty, Marty.

Xavier, this is my son, Harpreet.

- Harry, please. Call me Harry. - Harry.

Xavier's my nephew.

Your mother was just giving me a photographic tour of your childhood.

And look. Here you are. Wow.

- What are the odds, eh? - (MARTY AND MANJU LAUGH)

- Terrific stuff. - MANJU: Absolute magic.

And, Harpreet, you must stay for dinner, huh?

I...yeah. Yeah, sure.

Can I tempt you to a glass

of this extraordinary red brought by Xavier?

He's such a connoisseur!

Oh, I really just liked the label.

(MARTY AND MANJU LAUGH)

So modest, huh?

Erm...Martin, can I trouble you to help me in the kitchen?

Absolutely.

Hi. And sorry about...

- No. No. - ..all that.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Are we being...set up?

Were you not pre-briefed at all?

No, I...I just thought

I was having dinner with Marty's new flame.

- Were you? - Yes.

I've been hearing about you most days for the past month.

Oh.

Well, now that you mention it, there were a few signs.

Uh, we did seem to linger in your bedroom on the house tour,

where I got a very detailed description

of your high school lacrosse career.

(SIGHS) Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

No, no, don't apologise, honestly.

I was already a bit obsessed with your mother.

But this is... I mean, this is next-level.

If you want to bail at any time, it's fine. Fully.

Absolutely not. I'm up for it.

I mean, if you are as well.

I, uh...yeah. I...I am, yeah.

Great.

LIZ: (LAUGHS) No.

I...I have been to Italy, but just only the...

..the touristy places, you know.

- I've never been to Bologna. - (LAUGHS)

Well, Bologna is known as la dotta, la rossa e la grassa.

I...I heard a 'red' in there.

La dottameans 'the educated'.

- Because of the university. - Oh.

- La rossameans... - 'The red'.

'The red', yes, because of the terracotta buildings.

Oh!

I've always fantasised about, you know, throwing it all in

and just living in a vineyard or a hill town and just...

Well...I think Bologna would be a good match for you.

Oh! Sorry. That's my... Thought I turned this off.

- Sorry. - Right.

Hey. (SPEAKS ITALIAN)

(CONTINUES SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(PHONE RINGS)

Liz, um...

..you're a smart and charming woman

and you deserve the courtesy of the truth.

I'm just not feeling any chemistry.

I'm really sorry.

You're paying.

That's...more than fair.

- Hello! - (CHERYL LAUGHS)

- Oh! - Hello. Welcome!

Look at you! (LAUGHS)

- Mwah! Mwah! - (LAUGHS)

- How was the ferry? - A bit choppy.

Bathroom was a bit messy this time.

- Lucky Cheryl had the Wet Ones handy. - I did.

Oh, Dad! Mwah! I'm so happy you're here.

What happened to seeing the new place?

Well, actually, you'll... you'll see it tomorrow.

We're just not quite settled in yet.

And Ben's still working on the nursery,

so I thought you might like your own space.

Yeah! Come in!

COLIN: So, you'll find some, uh, reasonably priced items in the mini fridge.

And I do offer a turndown service.

Oh, we're fine.

Breakfast is available from, uh, 7am.

Uh...continental, of course,

but if you did want to upgrade to the full à la carte,

then we can absolutely facilitate you

for a small extra charge.

- Oh, thank you, Colin. - All part of the service.

(AINSLEY CHUCKLES)

Ahh! Shall we have a cuppa?

Oh, yes.

So, uh, when do we get to meet Lachlan?

Uh, he'll be there tomorrow. He's dying to meet you. Both of you.

I've thought a lot about what I want to say to Lachlan,

and I wouldn't mind saying it without an audience.

Oh, Dad, there's really... there's no need for you to say anything to him.

It's just a chance for us all to get to know each other

in a relaxed and enjoyable way.

Sorry, just re the à la carte menu.

No pressure, but, uh, I do have to ask

for seven to eight hours' notice

if you do require the gluten-free option.

- Thanks, Col. - Yeah.

You're more than welcome to join us, of course, tomorrow.

Thanks, but I'd, uh, prefer not.

(SIGHS) My wife's still on with Ainsley's housemate, so...

- Heather?! - Yeah.

Yeah, that was my initial response too.

And, uh, I'm sure you could understand, it's...

..it's left me feeling a bit sticky.

Mmm. It happened... some time ago.

It's still very fresh for me.

But, truth be told, you know, we've all...

..ventured down different romantic paths, different journeys.

- Yeah. - Different destinations.

I've hit a bit of a dead end.

You know, apparently, Heather's flying free.

- (AINSLEY LAUGHS) - But we're all grown-ups.

That's right.

But there's still a bit of chafing.

Yeah.

Dad, I know that this might all seem

like it's a bit of a tangle.

- And...you know what? It is. - It is.

But...I'm in a really good place

and...I can't wait for you to see it.

So...shall we pop out and get an early dinner?

We've been up since 5:30. (LAUGHS)

Oh, no, of course. Yeah, no. Get some rest.

COLIN: Well, yeah, I'll... I'll let you get on with it.

See you tomorrow.

Now, are we officially in the main course yet?

No, we're still very much in finger food.

OK. I'm stopping.

I would probably, uh, still feign consumption. Trust me.

(CHUCKLES) Right.

So, how did those two pitch me?

Uh, as a glamorous nightclub owner.

Very stylish and sophisticated, of course.

OK. Well, I do manage a pretty poky little bar.

And this is my A-game in the wardrobe department, so...

They really oversold me, didn't they?

No, no. In this case, Mum seems to have been...

..unusually restrained.

Be careful with the spice in this one.

Oh, my God!

- I think we've reached peak. - Oh!

Your mother promised me several costume changes,

and I think this is my favourite.

We both get along so well

because both of us have a great sense of style.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey.

(SIGHS)

Between you and me, we...

..we all thought Marty was a bit boring, to be honest,

and, uh, possibly low-key racist,

but Manju has brought him to life.

Honestly, our family are just obsessed with her.

- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh.

Oh, sorry, Xavier. I just need, like, two minutes.

No. Go for it. I'm not going anywhere.

Except to maybe eat. (CHUCKLES)

LIZ: Thanks for the bailout call.

- Not. - HARRY: Oh, I'm sorry.

No, it's fine, I didn't need it. Because hebailed out on me.

How's yours going?

Oh, he might be the most delightful person I've ever met.

- Oh, my God! - I know. It's excruciating.

And I'll never admit it, but...

..I think Mum has delivered me the perfect man.

And he could be alone with her right now, so I'm hanging up.

Are you telling me you don't need me to call you back?

(HARRY HANGS UP)

Harry?

that my judgement has proven to be very superior.

- Mum! He's right there! - Yeah.

He'll be emboldened knowing that he has won my approval.

- OK. Goodnight, Mum. - Here's food.

- Thank you, Manju. - 'Night, Marty.

- Thank you for dinner. - MARTY: See ya, Harry.

- Hey, did you drive? - Nah. Uber.

Oh, I...I could give you a lift if you like.

Yeah, that'd be great.

She's gonna call you for a debrief, isn't she? Like, very soon?

Oh, yeah. She'll, uh...she'll try and wait till the morning.

But she'll probably buckle in about 10, 15 max.

Harry, um, I'll just be completely honest with you.

As much as I love the idea of being able to say

I was successfully matchmade by a pair of 60-something-year-olds...

Oh, it's...it's cool. I get it.

No, I...I think I'd be interested regardless.

Me too.

Yeah? It's not just the wine talking?

(PULLS DOORHANDLE)

- Car's locked. (LAUGHS) - Oh! Oh, just...

- Makes it quite hard to get in. - Yeah. Wow.

(FLOOR CREAKS)

Are you alright?

(SIGHS)

Am I being held hostage?

What?

No.

You just fell asleep and we didn't wake you up.

Why would you not wake me up?

'Cause you were tired.

Oh.

How do you feel?

Hungry.

(CHUCKLES) Gail's losing her tiny mind.

She's called, like, 500 times.

I can drive you home if you want.

Nah, she can wait.

- Mustard? - Uh, yeah.

Suppose yourmum's a saint.

Wouldn't go that far.

She all over you about the baby?

She probably would be if she wasn't dead.

Oh.

Shit.

I was 11, so... it happened a while ago.

I mean, obviously, it's really hard

for me to feel sorry for you, given everything.

MELANIE: Do you ever feel like you've made a massive mistake?

AINSLEY: Oh, totally.

And not just about the baby.

Pretty much every decision I've ever made.

Did you ever think about getting rid of it?

I thought about it.

But I knew I wouldn't go through with it.

I've wanted to be a mum since primary school.

I never even thought about kids, but...

..when I found out I was duffed,

all I could think about was...

..Lachlan's face when I told him. (SIGHS)

I'm terrified.

Me too.

- Sorry... - No, it's fine.

..about all the shit I said on your socials.

Especially the 'thunder thighs' bit. That was below the belt.

I didn't see that one.

- Where's Melanie? - Still in the bath.

You realise they'll be here soon?

Yeah, I'm very much aware of that.

But Mel and I really started to connect last night, and...

..I don't know, I just didn't want to go and drop a bomb on her.

- What bomb? - Whoa! That was quick.

- What bomb?! - No bomb.

Just, we're having a little gathering/celebration today

for the baby.

Which baby?

My baby.

You're...having a baby shower?

Uh, no, it's actually a gender reveal party.

I was planning a gender reveal party.

But then I found out you were pregnant,

so I couldn't go through with it.

I had no idea.

Wait, is...

..Lachlan coming?

Also, uh...

..my father and his wife are coming,

and it's a little complicated,

because I haven't exactly told them about you yet or your baby.

I mean, I'm going to, of course.

But he's...he's very old-fashioned and I'm just waiting for the right...

So you want me to piss off?

Yeah, that'd be nice. Thank you.

OK. I'll go get dressed.

You can pretend I was never here.

AINSLEY: You know what?

You don't have to.

I mean, they're gonna find out eventually.

Might as well be now.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Hello? Ooh-ooh!

- Am I late? - You're early.

Oh, thank God!

I couldn't sleep.

I nearly texted you. I-I can't remember who he barracks for.

- Just don't bring it up. - You gotta give me something, Ains.

Any easy wins. I'm really swinging in the dark here...

I invited Melanie to join us.

- What about your dad? - I'm just gonna tell him.

You can't just...

Ains, this is a very delicate introduction

to my child's grandfather.

It should be sacred.

I can't be the only one that's not comfortable with this situation.

I'm comfortable.

- Me too. - This fabric feels amazing.

This is festive. Looks lovely. Hello!

- Oh! (LAUGHS) - (DES LAUGHS)

Welcome. Hi, Dad.

- Mwah! Hi, Cheryl. - Hello, sweetheart. Mwah!

- Hi. - Mr Elling, sir.

So great to finally meet you. Lachlan. Can I call you Des?

- Not yet. - Terrific. I want to earn it.

- And you must be the lovely Cheryl. - Oh, yes.

Ainsley tells me your scarf work is second to none. And I can see why.

Alright. Well, we'll head inside.

DES: (CLEARS THROAT) Lachlan.

Now, I know that you and Ainsley aren't together

in a traditional sense,

but you're gonna be around, in a way.

Ainsley tells me you're not going anywhere,

which is more than some blokes would do, so...

- That was good. - What beautiful words.

I can't tell you how much they mean to me.

Welcome to the family.

Oh, let me take that, Dad. Thank you.

(DES SIGHS)

- How was the flight? - We caught the ferry.

- The ferry. - Choppy.

- Mmm. - Ooh.

CHERYL: It opens up, doesn't it?

- Yes. - Oh, it's very bright.

- Lovely. - Um...

Of course, you already know Heather.

- Oh, Heather! Hello! - Hey, Cheryl. Hi.

- Nice to see you. - You too.

- And this is Marty and Manju. - Oh!

- Please, don't stand up. - (LAUGHS)

Manju is...is Harry's mother. He's not here at the moment.

And this is Liz and Ben.

My dad, Des, and his wife, Cheryl.

- DES: Ben. - BEN: Good to meet you, Des.

CHERYL: Oh! (LAUGHS) Cheers.

Cheers.

Uh, and...and you are?

Melanie.

- Ah. - (GASPS)

How do you fit into the equation?

Oh, just in so many ways, really.

Melanie is actually Lachlan's wife.

They're separated now.

But you may have noticed that Melanie is also pregnant.

With Lachlan's child.

(DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

- So sorry, everyone. I slept... - (MURMURING)

You're wearing the same clothes again.

AINSLEY: Dad, this is Harry.

Ainsley, can we speak privately?

Just before you do,

if I could offer a little bit of context or...

Uh...just a...

So, uh, Cheryl, how was the accommodation?

Uh...oh! It...it was lovely, thank you.

Colin was the perfect host.

And will your gentleman friend be joining us?

- He's right there. - What? Huh?

- It's me. - Oh!

AINSLEY: I'm sorry that I didn't tell you earlier.

I just...I wanted to wait until I felt more secure in myself

and the whole situation.

And I do now.

How you ever gonna feel secure with a man like that?

Well, he...he's made a lot of mistakes, but...

How you even gonna begin to explain it to the baby?

I don't know.

I'll figure it out.

It's only a big deal if people make it a big deal.

And they will, Ains.

I know you always try and find the silver lining, but...

..people can be nasty.

- Other kids at school. Other parents. - I know that.

I just don't think your optimism's gonna be enough to get you through this one.

(DES SIGHS)

Why don't we go for a walk and...

Can I just say, uh, I know that this is a lot to process,

but there are some really beautiful aspects to this arrangement.

What kind of a man...?!

Did you know your wife was pregnant when you and Ainsley...

No! No, no, absolutely not. I can assure you of that.

I'm sorry, Lachlan,

but the less my grandchild knows about you, the better.

AINSLEY: Dad, that is not... You just...

Ainsley is a beautiful, trusting soul.

But she got those qualities from her mother.

- Not from me. - I know that.

- It's a quality I intend to bring into my fathering... - Do not push me!

Would you both stop talking about me like I'm not here?!

OK? I can handle this. I'm strong enough.

You made me strong enough.

There are no victims here.

Now, you are gonna be an amazing grandfather.

You are gonna be a...father.

And that starts right now.

So, put your party hats on,

because we are gonna have a gender reveal, hm?

And you are both gonna smile,

because this baby is gonna look back on these photos

and know that he or she...

- Or they. - Or they. Thank you, Manju.

..are loved.

Now, everyone, get outside!

- (DOOR CREAKS) - CHERYL: Just keep breathing.

MANJU: Harpreet? I will not ask any questions.

But I hope you understand now that I do know about men.

I just... Yes. Thank you, Mum.

One thing I know is,

a man will not buy the cow if they can get the milk for free.

- Oh, my God. - That is it.

- (GLASS RINGS) - Hey, uh, everyone.

If I could just say something quickly.

This is all a bit of fun. (LAUGHS)

But, of course, gender means absolutely nothing, and, uh,

this child will be the light of our lives no matter what.

- That's it. - MANJU: Aww!

HEATHER: OK. Alright, let's... let's cut the cake.

ALL: One, two, three...

Here we go!

- Ah! - It's a girl! It's a girl!

I'm having a girl too. So...

- Aww! - Oh, my...

Two girls. It's almost poetic how fucked you are.

OK, everybody, bunch in. Family shot.

Des, come into the front.

Yep, everybody bunch in, nice and close.

Lachlan, just throw your arm around Des there.

Yep. Smi... Lachlan, you're not smiling properly.

Smile properly. Better. OK, ready?

Yay!

Beautiful.

Yeah. It's lovely.

I actually can't... believe I'm saying this,

but...Mum nailed it.

(HARRY CHUCKLES)

I've never felt more comfortable with another person.

I mean on...on a date.

He was just...so...

..funny and...

..handsome and, uh, humble.

And he loved Mum. And have I mentioned he was handsome?

Multiple times, yeah.

I just...I didn't want to leave.

Sorry. I know you probably don't want to hear this.

Well, of course I want to hear it.

Oh.

To not wanting to leave.

(GLASSES CLINK)

You're going to love him.

- The oldies gone? - Yeah, they have.

- The wife's a pain in the arse. - (CHUCKLES) Always has been.

What happened to her lips?

We don't talk about it.

It was pretty great seeing you take on your dad like that.

Thanks, Mel.

Were you inspired seeing me with Gail?

I...think I really was. Yeah.

Just so you know, it's not like I've forgiven you or anything.

Yeah, that's OK.

As long as our girls can be close.

How close?

Sisters.

Having sleepovers. (SIGHS)

Trips to Luna Park.

Joint birthday parties.

I don't do joint birthday parties.

- Split focus is very damaging. - OK.

But...I do quite like Luna Park.

I had my 30th birthday party there.

I was so hot back then. See?

- Oh. Wow. - I know.

- Look at your legs. - Thanks.

- Wow. - I look good in green, don't I?

Yes. Yes. Yep.

Have you...

..have you always had those boobs?

Next time onFive Bedrooms...

- Shit! - Benny! Your shoulder?

Unfortunately, looks like you're gonna have to have surgery.

Probably a full reconstruction.

- Do you have private medical insurance? - Yep.

Could we just say it happened on the Fordham Crescent job?

Ben, this is Sharon. She's from the insurance people.

Mr Chigwell, your partner tells me the accident occurred here?

LIZ: I've made quite a few calls,

and, Ben, you have definitely committed a criminal act.

- Worst-case scenario? - Up to two years jail.

(GROANS)