Original subtitles

< This story begins with Christopher Colombus.

< Colombus was the first Italian man who dreamed to go to America.

< We could say that he was born with the American dream.

< Even nowadays many Europeans are born with the American dream.

< This dream is expressed in different ways.

< For example, with whole-meal cooking diets.

Today is an even day: Appetizer of 2 row carrots,

wheat cereals with honey, an asparagus dipped into molasses...

- Any fruit? - Grapefruit juice with salt and pepper.

Grapefruit juice,

with salt... and pepper.

< The American dream can also be expressed

by means of noisily chewing hole-shaped candies at the movies.

< Or by means of a bad-hidden desire to imitate

the most intense feelings of some famous Hollywood star.

< How many Europeans dream to go to America!

< America, full of charms!

< Of amazing lights!

< While all the Americans dream to travel to, to Rome,

there in Trastevere lives the only American man

who dreams to go to America.

< He�s a weird American guy born and living in Trastevere: Nando Mericoni.

< He�s the robust young man you can admire in this picture.

< Those are not his real muscles, they belong to a winner

of some American competition for the title of "Mister Universe".

< This is his room. Small and simple,

but Nando likes it because there is all what he needs.

< American flags, Western cartoons, baseball gloves

and Betty�s pictures with dedication... written by the Nando himself.

< The only things in the house that Nando can�t turn American

are his parents.

- That�s it...! - Augusto, can�t you sleep?

No, thinking about that scoundrel, past midnight he's still outside!

- He�s not my son! - Calm down, you have asthma!

My asthma is his fault!

Sandro�s son got a job at the post-office and he�s just 20 years old!

When his father will retire, they won�t have money problems!

- But Nando... e Nando... - Augusto, take care!

But Nando...that�s why I got asthma!

- What would be of Nando without my job? - He�s still young!

- Maybe because he�s so crazy... - He�s stupid!

What can you expect from him? He wants to be an artist, a dancer!

He works for two days and wastes his time for two months!

He wants to be American! But American folks have money!

I will give him a lesson tonight... ..that American!

Every night same story! Where does he go? What does he do?

- Calm down! - Where does he go? Where?

Useless to find help in that direction.

Before Wing will arrive in town, Hopalong Cassidy will be a dead man.

SHOTS

What are you going to do?

Before to kill you tell me something, Cassidy.

I don�t like to make the same mistake twice.

While you were having breakfast I got a blank shots gun.

SHOOTS

SHOOTS

(What a movie! See how they killed Joe?)

(That was Jim. See how he strangled him?)

(Just like a steel lock.)

Ehi, dark-hair! Dark-hair, I�m talking to you, come on!

Time to go! Every night same story!

- I must go, I can�t wait for you! - (IN AMERICAN) Shut up!

- I�ll kill you! - Me? I will break your ass!

"Gattomammone", I saw you. You pretend to read!

You are a spy! Talk!

Talk! Bang! Bang! Bang!

I must kill you.

STEPS

Somebody�s coming! That was you, you talked!

Take my gift! Bang!

I must hide.

I am joking.

That�s not loaded.

That�s legal!

I am joking! I am joking!

They are not loaded, I have them in case of aggression.

If same ``freak``, you never know...

Dad!

I live in this "house", this is my place.

- You wicked! - Hello, daddy!

My daddy, he�s joking! There�s a night caretaker.

He gave me keys. Shut up, daddy. Everybody knows you, don�t they?

I am a major, I can come back whenever I want.

I can even come back at 3 a.m.! I am over 21.

(AUGUSTO) Don�t mind him, he�s just stupid!

Bang!

(POLICE) You scoundrel! Stop bothering me!

Why should I get such a stupid son?

- What happened? - He�s even fun of the policemen!

I want to sleep! Sleep!

Sleep. Sleep.

Did you think you catch me? I can kill you!

I can kill you all! Right, call Joe!

MACCARONI! That's carts drivers food!

I don�t eat MACCARONI, I am American!

Red wine? I don�t drink red wine!

- The Americans don�t drink wine and don�t eat MACCARONI! - I will sleep.

The Americans eat JAM. That�s American food!

Yogurt, MUSTARD... that�s the way the Americans fight the apache!

The Americans don�t drink red wine, they drink milk!

That�s why they don�t get drunk! Have you ever seen a drunk American?

I�ve never seen him. Americans are cool.

WOW, the Americans!

You can�t fight the Americans! They eat JAM!

MACCARONE, I will kill you!

Why you look at me with that proud face?

You look like a worm, MACCARONE. That�s American food!

Yogurt, JAM, MUSTARD...

THE MUSTARD.

How do they call it? Mustard.

Some milk.

That�s what the Americans eat. Healthy and strong food.

MACCARONI.

WOW, that sucks!

The Americans...

MACCARONE, you provoked me and now I kill you!

I will eat you!

This is for the cat.

This is for the rat.

This is to kill bugs.

And I drink milk.

I am American.

Worm, I will eat you.

- Can you hear him? - Calm down. - I will kill him!

- Let�s sleep. - Ok.

(IN AMERICAN) Five, five, four, five, three.

TELEPHONE RINGING

- The Chamber! - That's so annoying!

There must be elections! Where are my trousers?

- Hello? - (IN AMERICAN) Hello? 55543?

I say 55543?

Isn�t that the Chamber? I am Mr. Borgiani. Who�s speaking?

Santi Bailor, America ATTRESCION.

- That�s the American embassy. - At this time? - American time!

- It must be the crude oil commission. - Let me listen.

(IN FRENCH) Yes, I am Mr.Borgiani.

(NANDO) Who cares! I want to talk to Elvy.

Who�s that?

Elvy! Elvira! Is Elvira there? I am Nando, her boyfriend.

Scoundrel! I will report it to the Chamber!

Bothering a sleeping depute! Ass-hole!

Don�t touch me! Quiet, you understand? Quiet! (IN AMERICAN) Shut up!

You hang up!? You did hung up to Santi Bailor?

- What did he want? - I don�t know him!

- Who did he want to speak to? -...Elvira. - Elvira is the servant!

The servant of a deputee receives phone calls so late at night?

Calm down, I changed six servants this year and she is a good one!

I stay at home with the kids and you go to the Parlament...

- Do you think I enjoy at the Parlament? - I don�t know!

TELEPHONE RINGING

- You answer! - If the electors would know that!

Hello? Is it for Elvira? Wait a moment, I call her.

- Is it ok? - Sure.

BELL

Mr Borgiani, you are finished! You made a great mistake.

Did you hang up to this brave guy?

A Borgiani can�t hang up to Nando Mericoni.

If you are sorry, I can forgive you, my dear Borgiani.

(IN AMERICAN) Elvy, my dear!

Nando, you shouldn�t disturb so late at night!

No disturb!

Don�t worry, my Elvy, I calmed him down.

Tomorrow is a great day.

It�s going to be a big show. Everybody will know who is Santi Bailor.

Who is Santi Bailor?

That�s me. The new star Nando Mericoni, alias Santi Bailor.

I wait you tomorrow at the gala show. Dress nice.

It�s going to be exciting.

I will show off with a frac like Gene Kelly.

SINGING IN UNUNDERSTANDBLE AMERICAN

Nando, you even sing at night!

- You sleep. - Sleep? - Yes.

- Just listen at him! - Try to sleep.

IMITATING DOUBLE-BASS SOUND

- Nando, go to sleep! - Mamy, aren�t you sleeping?

- Dad is pissed off, and he�s right! - When we will be in America,

the black woman will sing old songs about cotton fields.

- Shut up! SINGING A GOSPEL

# Alleluia! Alleluia! #

- Mamy, "the water"! - What�s this stuff?

An American box. See the tub? The pipe sucks the water.

The offices on the 5th Av. have it. Pure water.

- Wow, that sucks! - Can�t you be serious?

- Mamy, daddy, I love you. - Stop it!

Stop it?

This club is going to be signed by Joe Di Maggio.

- Do you know who is he? - Nando!

- You don�t know who is Joe Di Maggio? - Nando!

That�s difficult. Joe Di Maggio is a young Italian man

- that moved to Kansas City... when he was a kid - Again Kansas City!

This kid took a club... and married MARILINA.

I wish I would have moved to Kansas City!

But scarlet fever prevented me to.

Can you remember, mamy?

Hello, daddy?

Don�t bother mamy.

- (IN AMERICAN) Mamma, are you sleeping? - Go to bed.

SINGING A LULLABY IN UNUNDERSTANDABLE AMERICAN

What�s up? Let me go!

- What are you doing? Stop it! - I will kill you!

You beat me with Joe Di Maggio�s club!

You will pay for that!

You�ll see!

Soon or later you will hear about me!

MUSIC

If this brave guy will make it to America...!

Did you want to beat me? You can�t, I have `�strong legs``...!

(IN AMERICAN) Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Stop!

Not bad, isn�t it "girl"?

Be used to my strong legs

and keep in mind the right rhythm. That�s all I have to say.

- O.K. "girl"? - (TOGHETHER) Ya, right!

In American O.K. means "very good".

Keep in mind these American words.

If you don�t behave, you�ll dance all �night"! O.K.?

- Do you want to see the figures? - Sure. - Here...

- Who�s shouting? - Not big deal, that�s Mericoni.

That "poor guy" who came to beg for a job?

Remember my image, this dirty theatre is just a start.

When I come in like Gene Kelly, you should fly like Rita Haywon'th.

But all you can do is fall upon me! You�re so clumsy!

- You suck! - I am the Italian Gene Kelly!

- Gene what? - The Italian Gene Kelly!

- Whatever I do is out of sacrifice and self-abnegation.

Your company might be as contagious as a virus!

I am sorry, but you are really bad!

- Who are you? - (TOGETHER) The "sister".

Where are they coming from?

Where are you looking to? I might nail your shoes!

I am here because my father wants me to,

otherwise I would be in Broadway and not in this filthy mess!

- This theatre is a pigsty. - What is it? - A pigsty!

- Send him away. - "Mister commenda", I was joking.

- I didn�t see you. - Stop! - I was joking.

- This is a famous great theatre. - Stop! - I was joking.

- Go away! - That�s a very difficult show with the "girl".

- I want foreign "girl". - Then they�re what you really need.

- So... - They look foreign, the one different from the other.

The first two are gammy, the ones in the middle are cross-eyed, so...

- Don�t mind him. - I am illustrating the show.

- We�re busy. - What do you want, I don�t even know you!

Then we have the fanatic soubrette, but I can master her, because she will give us...

I don�t give anything.

- How do you dare? - I am joking. - You beggar!

- Give him 2.000 liras. Let�s do 2.500, 2 soups each, we are eight.

Ok, but you play the show with the lights on, I want to see your stuff.

Sure. At "nuts seller" rhythm!

Santi Bailor the nuts seller!

- I can�t stand this! - (NANDO) Cheer up, girl!

UNCOMPREHENSIBLE AMERICAN SINGING

Stop! Everybody stop!

We�ll get an ovation. That�s sure.

O.K.? We�ll get an ovation.

MUSIC

Elvy!

WHISTLING

I will come in as Gene Kelly style.

That�s my boyfriend. Cute, isn�t he?

UNCOMPREHENSIBLE AMERICAN SINGING

Nando, what are you doing? Stop it!

- Who�s he? - That�s Mericoni.

Nuts seller! Nuts seller!

PRRR

LAUGHING

Are they laughing? Start over again, girl!

PRRR Are you talking to me?

You are 21, it�s time to know who your parents are.

- Is that your boyfriend? - Congratulation!

Elvira!

"Good-bye, good-bye".

You to make me feel so ashamed!

Don�t make me pissed off.

Santi Bailor can�t accept humiliation.

Tomorrow you�re going to rehearse until your bones hurt!

- Send him away. - What?

"Mister Commenda", what do you mean? It�s just for 2 days!

Damn! My father wants me to be here!

(Nando, where are you going?) (I don�t know, I can�t stand all this.)

(Your place is in America, here they can�t understand you.)

(Stop! Look!)

(This is the story of a young American man,)

(who in order to obtain what this world couldn�t give,)

(climbed on top of a skyscraper,)

(and said: "I am jumping down if you can�t give me what I want.")

(What are you thinking about? Any ideas?)

(Do you want to try?)

(Just climb a top-hill and they will notice you. They have to!)

Listen to me! Can you hear me?

Folks of Rome, you are all at my feet!

Listen! I must go to America!

I�ve climbed the highest tops of every monument in the world!

- Who�s that? - Maybe it�s just propaganda.

- Come down. - If you won�t send me to America, I�ll jump down!

- Listen! - Let me go!

- Who�s he? - I am the father of that madman!

Nando! Nando, what are you doing?

Come down!

You! What do you want, "father"? Let me be.

Come down! Nando, come down!

Soon "my father", your "boy" will go to America!

Come down, I won�t harm you.

What do you say? Speak louder, I can�t hear you! What?

Oh god! My son!

So. Are you feeling better?

- God! - What�s up? - My son is going to jump down!

- He won�t jump, he wants to go to America. - It�s an obsession!

- Since when? - More than 10 years ago.

Since the German occupation!

Do you remember those bad times?

Every night I had to lock him in his room to avoid further problems.

- One night... TELEPHONE RINGING

- Hello? - Dad, it�s Nando.

You should be in your room! You scoundrel!

I am with the junkyard. We are arranging our plan.

Let me see.

It�s time. Behind me there�s my band.

- What are you doing? - One day you�ll realize and be proud of me.

I can�t tell now,

but I am organizing something that will be known allover the world.

Really? Take care, dear, you�re the only son we have.

Goodbye, dad, I must go. Say hi to mamy.

- Augusto, what�s up? - Once my son was a child,

- now he is a man. - What he�s going to do?

He can�t tell on the phone. Maybe it�s something dangerous,

but good for the Country. Something heroic!

JAZZ MUSIC

As soon as the Americans will be here, we�ll go to Broadway!

- O.K. Boys? - (TOGETHER) O.K.!

- If we should wait for the Americans, then we go in 2000! - Shut up.

They�re outside! (IN AMERICAN) One, two, three!

SPEAKING IN GERMAN

ORDERS IN GERMAN

The American were outside, weren�t they?

PLANE NOISE

1,2,3,4,5!

You always say they�re bombing the Comando, but they�re getting close to us.

Shut up! Shut up!

They know what to do! The Americans are unfailing!

The planes are pointing and...

- And "bombing" us! - Did they bombed us? They did!

ORDER IN GERMAN

Yes, ass-hole.

I didn�t mean in a bad way...

They won�t win this war, they can�t master the language.

On the contrary, the Americans... Zac!

- The Americans are three km away. - Yes, since three months ago!

They are taking their time, waiting.

Since I can master the language, when they will arrive,

- I won�t have any problems. - Can you speak the language? - Sure.

SINGING IN UNINTELLIGIBLE AMERICAN

Nothing... ass-hole.

- These are silly songs. - Silly songs? I can translate...

SPEAKING FAKE AMERICAN

- Tonight you must come at Tullio�s place. - Who�s he?

The radio-technical they caught because he got a radio.

- He made an other one. - To hear voices from America? - Yes.

- The Jazz! - What jazz, you stupid!

- Tullio wants to talk to the Americans. - Really? - Yes.

- Tonight will go at Tullio�s. - Ok.

Here is he! Joe!

Joe, I am here! Santi Bailor is here!

Bomb the Headquarters!

Bomb the Headquarters like in American movies. 1,2,3,4,5!

- WOW! - We got it again.

No, mistake of "seven" instead of "five".

What�s going on with Germany! Joe, you are great!

ORDERS IN GERMAN

Cicalone!

- Cicalone, wow... - Ssshh!

- Tullio, we have an interpreter. - He�s an American prisoner.

SPEAKING FAKE AMERICAN - I do not understand anything.

- (NANDO) Radio. - Yes, radio!

- I MADE this tool in three months. - "Three months".

- Lot of work. - Little valve?

- Yes, 4 valves. - "Four".

- Stuff stolen in camp toilets. - "Water closet"!

- Swiped away. - SWIPED AWAY! - He got it!

Wow! You completely robbed those poor Germans!

- Who are you? - Who am I?

- You are not American! - Don�t bother me, I am Santi Bailor!

I�ve been blocked by a German monster.

I will talk to the Americans because I can master the language.

- Hello, America? - Sshh!

- Santi Bailor Corporation speaking. - That�s not a joke!

I am not joking! I can talk because I can master the language.

- One moment! - What�s up?

- I�ve something for you. - For me? What is it?

- Take this. - Thanks, what should I do with this wire?

- It�s the wire of the radio. - The radio?

Yes, you should plug it into the power cable.

- Me? - Yes. - Santi Bailor?

I am going out, roll on the ground, grope like a snail...

- Mind the Germans, they are shooting. - At me?

- If they see you. - The Germans? To Santi Bailor?

- Is it an heroic act? - Sure.

- I am going. - Go. - I am going.

- Do you want to go? - Go!

WHISTLING MARINES ANTHEM

- Three months of work! Who is he? - Don�t worry.

The snail�s gonna plug the wire into the power cable.

Where�s the cable? Here it is.

LOUD SPEAKER WHISTLE

I unplug everything.

There it is. Gosh!

There, it must be you. Gosh, the shock!

GERMAN SPEAKING

- Mission accomplished. - We should be on their same radio signal.

Tell them that the German Santabarbara is under the Red Cross curtains.

- Can they hear me? - Sure.

WHISTLE - (FROM LOUDSPEAKER) Can they hear me?

America, can you hear me? Santi Bailor speaking. America, can you hear me?

- Yes, but you must transmit in American. - O.K.

America, listen this.

UNINTELLIGIBLE AMERICAN

Put a towel on your head, or they can see the light from outside.

UNINTELLIGIBLE AMERICAN

SIRENE

The alarm! The Americans are coming! Our guys are arriving!

Finally!

Let�s go toward the Headquarters.

Block them here until we are back.

You COMPRESCION? ATTENDESCION.

NANDO SINGS MARINES ANTHEM

HE PRETENDS TO SING IN GERMAN

Master, the Iron Pact? There is the Axis!

Let�s cheer to victory! Let�s forget!

PRETENDS TO SING IN GERMAN

I was cheering to victory.

What happened? Master! Where are you going?

My god! They are going to kill me!

Damn!

God, I am scared! My blood�s running cold!

We need to find a solution. They want to kill me, Adolfo.

You must help me, the world is little, we�ll meet again.

My father is a Post officer, you might need him one day.

I am scared!

Let me go!

- (IN AMERICAN) Well? - A hug! I take a cigar.

In the American movies, when somebody gets into his office, he grabs a cigar.

AMERICAN SPEAKING

What is he saying?

You are guilty of sabotage, of espionage

and opposition to the American troops.

You are condemned to execution.

- Execution? Who? - You.

Me?

Are you kidding? You are kidding!

You kidding! Tell him! You are my friend!

Master, I�ve been a scout, I climbed mountains.

I had scarlet fever for three years.

I am full of blisters. Look. Are you kidding?

I am Fred Astaire�s friend. Do you know him?

They call me the Italian Gene Kelly.

If I hadn�t been that sick! Look, this is my show...

SINGING IN FAKE AMERICAN

I can�t make a pirouette because my blood�s getting cold.

Send him to the criminal asylum in Antwerp.

- Nando, what are you doing up there? - He�s up there!

- Are you his girlfriend? - No, we just had sex.

- Ah! - He was singing all the time and didn�t want to marry me.

Singing? He�s dancing now!

- Nando, wait! - Witless. Stupid!

Keep them away!

You poltroon, you fainted!

- Is he going to get hurt, if he falls? - No, he will die.

- You distract him. - Nando, can you see me?

- Come down, funny guy! - Nando, come down.

Look in what conditions is your "love", on top of the Colosseum!

Go away, I don�t want to see you anymore.

That�s not my fault if you are up there, is it?

This is family business. Please, distract him.

- Nando, come down! - No! I won�t.

You are my only love.

- He�s my only love. - That�s family business.

I don�t like that movies guy, he�s a peasant.

"I don�t like"! How nice of you!

Damn you and the peasant!

Today he�s a peasant, yesterday he was Gedeone,

the man with lion�s paws.

Nothing! I don�t believe you!

- Well? - It�s Nando�s fault if they won�t let me in

into the governor�s house. I am their servant.

Last Sunday he brought me home too late.

Nando wanted to go to Ostia, to the beach.

He came with his motorbike and scared me.

- Nando, not so fast! - Elvy, "look" Silver Dart.

This is my racing car!

- Did you steal it? - No, the sheriff of Kansas City sold it to me,

the one working at the junkyard.

With this "card" don�t I look like a POLIS "street"?

- Stop it! - Aahh!

Did I scare you?

- See you at San Diego. Bye! - I am coming down!

- What�s going on over there? - None of your business!

A truck is blocking the way to an American car!

- I�ll take care! - None of your business. - That�s my job.

Hello, Joe. I will let you pass.

- Stay away, dwarf! - Dwarf?

- Let�s go! - What do you want? Who are you?

- Santi Bailor from the police of Kansas City! - Who cares!

- Let me pass. - I can�t! - Don�t bother. Go!

- We�ll meet again! - "Come on"!

VOICES OVERLAPPING

Hold on!

- Hold on! - Crazy!

CAMAN, CAMAN, "Help" America!

I made him a favor and now he will be my friend forever.

You want me dead!

- Come on, don�t waste time. - Calm down, Elvy!

We are lucky because we know two Americans. They�re from Washington.

SPEAKING IN FAKE AMERICAN

Wow, what a car! Silver dart!

Yes, sir. Kansas City Police.

"You" no UNDERSTAND American.

I get it. There are women here, Calm down.

"Fish".

Wow, you�re so ugly!

I get it, fish! You want to eat fish.

You want river fish. I am going to explain to you.

Hurry up, don�t be stupid!

ATTENSCION. You "take" your STRIT, you can�t get WRONG.

All right?

In that LOCALITESCION there is Osteria dello Zozzetto.

Don�t turn right, there is Maranella ravine.

SUMMARIESCION. You follow your MEN and can�t get there WRONG.

In that LOCALITESCION there is Osteria dello Zozzetto.

Thanks, but I am working. Kansas City policemen don�t smoke.

O.K. Don�t turn right, there is the Maranella ravine.

- Stop being silly, let�s go. - O.K.

Not on the right!

American, why did you turn right?

ATTENSCION!

There is the Maranella RAVINE! He wants to die!

- Let�s go, they will arrest you for culpable homicide. - Shut up!

WHEELS SCREECH

We lost the American. American!

SIRENE

American, I am here!

AMERICAN SPEAKING

"You" DED? Are you dead, American?

- That�s serious! - The American is stuck!

- Let�s go! - No, I already realized about the disaster.

That�s the typical disaster of American movies.

American, I am coming!

What do you want? I am having a snack.

Don�t worry walrus, I will rescue you.

AMERICAN SPEAKING

AMERICAN SPEAKING

I can�t understand, what do you want?

Some music? I`ll cheer you up, American.

SINGING UNINTELLIGIBLE AMERICAN

Damn American! Are you an animal?

You bite? American, I can beat you on James Cagney�s way!

I got you, American.

American, what�s up? Wow, he�s sleeping!

Ammazza, what a blow! James Cagney�s way! You�re piece of wood!

Wow, what a bang!

AMERICAN SPEAKING

Shut up, stupid, he�s sleeping! He can�t hear you.

I am going to give a call to the person in charge, American�s way!

Elvy, I am going to make a call, will be back soon.

Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello?

That�s me, I was saying "hello" in American.

I have great news.

- I have an "ace in the hole". - Ace? What is he talking about?

(NANDO) We are witness of a great crash.

Location Maranella ravine. Yes, Maranella ravine.

Hello? An American guy has a foot stuck under the car.

Yes, that�s great. I�ll keep him until you arrive!

Tell the press, the media, BBC, CCD, DDT,

the storyteller, the ice-cream man, the carousel, set a party!

The true "ace in the hole"! Wow, what a ace in the hole!

Sure, we�ll bring the cameras, the media, the nuts seller.

Maranella Ravine? I will personally take care about the DDT.

Don�t worry, goodbye.

- Nando! - Wow, what a blow!

Did you abandon them? You should stay here!

The policeman is at home, you will go to jail!

- No problems, i know what to do. - I saw the police!

SIRENE

No police, this is the Red Cross!

- They are taking away the American! - The American?

There inside? Are they taking away the American?

Damn, they took away the American!

(NURSE) Don�t move, it�s worse! Don�t worry!

- They took away the American! - The police! Can you hear the sirens?

- The police! They are after me! - Let�s go!

Come on, "darling", let�s find a shelter. They won�t have me!

- Don�t worry, we bring you to Rome. - Let�s give him some wine.

Did you see a young guy dressed like a policeman?

We are after him too! Look what he did to my aunt!

- Alright. - Wait!

- If we find him, it is our duty to keep him! - Thanks.

- It could be the motorbike of that crazy guy. - Yes, we are close. Look that way.

- Come, auntie, let�s go. - Even the police is after him!

- I wonder what did he do! - If I catch him,

he�ll see...! Let�s go!

There he is!

Shut up, they�re after me.

The dwarf!

OVERLAPPING VOICES

SIRENES

- There he is! - Try to catch him.

- Better to talk to him again. - Get down!

No, do you have a passport?

Go up! Follow him! Damned you!

- (NANDO) Do you have the passport? - You, quick!

Where are you going?

Is it raining?

- Damn! - Stop!

Wow!

- Why did you stop? Get up! - He spits!

Who cares! Get up!

Stop being silly!

Calm down! I defend myself within the limits of democracy.

I use harmless weapons.

Stop it!

- Are you a real reporter? - Sure.

- Are you going to write my name on the news? - Sure.

Write down: Pellacchioni Romolo... di Pasquale.

Pel-lac-chio-ni.

As I told you, when the history with the German was over,

Nando started again about his obsession.

He tried to find a way to go to America.

< He had a great idea.

< He started to work with me in a place full of Americans.

All right? O.K.

They are always happy, they laugh...

They are NICE.

Cicalone, come here.

An American woman keeps on starting at me.

This is my moment, I will marry an American. Go away.

SINGING

(IN AMERICAN) It�s wonderful!

Nice.

"Wonderful girl", I was waiting for you.

- (IN AMERICAN) Perfect. - Yes.

I�ve been waiting you for 30 years. AMERICAN faerie.

My faerie.

Cicalone, she�s touching me! I feel like dying!

You are Chinese! Who cares, an American Chinese!

Where will you take me? To Kansas City? You�re lucky!

I can master the buffalo!

I�ll break your neck! Yes, dear, tell to daddy!

- No. - (IN AMERICAN) Why not?

No! Even if you would die!

(IN AMERICAN) You are the right guy for my friend. - Why not?

I am joking, just to make you jealous.

Look at my package!

Do you want a watch? You are so expensive! All right!

"Molly Brooke PANT." Is it your name? What are these?

10.000 liras? I�ll keep them on my heart.

- (IN AMERICAN) Tomorrow at 5. - I�ve been waiting you for 30 years!

Good-bye, Molly. Good-bye, Brooke!

Cicalone, hurry up!

I knew! This is because I can master the language.

Molly Brooke PANT, it means panther.

- Did the panther gave these to you? - Per arrange the MARRIOT. I will marry her.

I will buy a big America hat to fit into the American family.

Cicalone, we just looked at each other and...

I fulminated the panther.

Finally! Water has been coming out for 4 days!

We called at least 40 times! A pipe is leaking in that closet.

- A pipe is leaking? - Yes. - Who cares!

- Aren�t you a plumber? - Did you see any tools?

- I am a client! - Excuse me.

Young man, go away. For today it�s enough.

This is Mr Cicalone, he is qualified.

Excuse me, do you need anything?

I am going to marry an American woman, I need everything.

I understand...football pools.

Football pools? I don�t like him, he doesn�t look American.

- Then you would spend the 10.000 liras. - Cicalone, shut up!

The 10.000 liras are an advance! When she will marry me...

- Are you sure she will do that? - She has to!

Because of the Kansas City nuptial bond!

I don�t want to end it up like in "Roman Holidays".

A weird princess meets PEKKE at the Roman Forum,

she "kisses him" all night long and than she abandons him.

But you can�t abandon Santi Bailor, you marry him!

She will take this proud guy and will move him to Kansas City.

Our last creations. We can offer you very nice things.

Popelyne, rayon, very nice things.

- Last arrivals from Paris. - What about from Massachusetts? Kansas City?

- We don�t have clients over there. - Then I don�t like that stuff.

I wanted to show some models..

I need American stuff, big hats, "big clothes",

You don�t need the rope, the mask and the revolvers.

- I need that kind of stuff. - But we don�t have that!

Are you joking? We don�t have that stuff!

- (NANDO) I don�t need it! - Take off your hands!

- My magazines! I want American stuff! - Go away!

I am going to marry an American girl!

OVERLAPPING AMERICAN VOICES

Hello! "Please", where�s Molly Brooke?

(NANDO) Shall I go on?

Wow, nice place! Typical house of American movies!

"American house, Italian spouse."

Molly Brooke. Molly Brooke.

- (IN AMERICAN) Who are you? - Santi Bailor from Kansas City.

I am here for Molly Brooke.

"Look" at the big hat for the great occasion...

You don�t care at all!

Is it the atomic bomb box?

I can here the... TBC...

Wow, are you a porcupine?

Is it some sort of a message?

MUSIC

This is a musical!

O.K., where ia Molly Brooke?

I would like to meet Molly Brooke�s parents...

Empty glasses? This is an insult!

An empty glass to Santi Bailor?

I will fill it up! Free "drinks"!

They are going to be really drunk! What a drink!

FAKE AMERICAN

Why are you taking it away?

- AMERICAN TALKING. - (NANDO) Doctor Jekyll?

- AMERICAN TALKING. - (NANDO) I will kill you!

- AMERICAN TALKING. - (NANDO) Did you draw squares?

(NANDO) I was drawing that at basis school...

- AMERICAN TALKING. - I have thrown them away.

- No! - Doctor Jekyll, I will follow you on the roof!

(NANDO) Your hair are following on your forehead!

- (IN AMERICAN) There you are! - Hello, Molly! - He�s my man.

See? Your "boy" is here.

What are you doing, Molly? The long hair guy costs me 10.000 liras!

Who are these people? Molly, I will spank you!

NANDO SPEAKS FAKE AMERICAN MOLLY ANSWERS IN AMERICAN - I am joking. - They are Molly�s friends.

- They came here to greet the POPE. - Are they pilgrims?

- Molly�s POPE. - Her father!

Hello! This is Santi Bailor from Kansas City.

Calm down, I am a good man!

That was love at first sight!

I am a good guy, my father is an officer at the Post office.

AMERICAN SPEAKING

UNINTELLIGIBLE AMERICAN

What did he say?

- When everybody is leaving... - Everybody!

You will do...a good job.

Bertuccia, no need to tell me. I know what to do.

- Is daddy leaving too? - No, he wants to see. He pays.

He wants to see what his daughter has learnt.

Molly so gentle, so shy.

Can�t do anything in front of the other people.

- What do you mean? - What could you do?

Bertuccia, I can put you in jail. You dirty man!

you and Dr Jekyll will go to jail!

I will tear all your hair off!

You dirty!

AMERICAN TALKING

(IN AMERICAN) Take off your clothes.

- Take them off! - Darling, look into my eyes.

When you invited me here,

what were you thinking?

- (IN AMERICAN) I don�t understand. - "What"?

Who do you think I am? I read the news!

I can�t allow strange things happening in my house!

First you marry me and then I will ``clear away`` everything.

Everybody!

I am going to drink a... Kansas City drink.

And start to be the boss, right now!

Finally I am... Nobody�s going to move me away!

Wow, what a place!

Since you looked me with those Chinese little eyes,

I noticed that you kept a mysterious desire.

But, like in the American movies,

I take my pillow and go to sleep in the hallway.

AMERICAN SPEAKING - Don�t touch me. Calm down!

I won�t get naked in this place for no reason at all!

I get naked only when I take a bath!

First you got to marry me, and see the priest with the big necktie!

SINGING WEDDING TUNE - Aaah!

I�m joking.

He�s got a crisis. - "Daddy"!

You�re paid to work with my daughter, take off your clothes!

I suspect you�re not the father, but just a pander!

- Take off your clothes! - Do you want to fight?

I am not armed.

SPEAKING UNINTELLIGIBLE AMERICAN

BLOW

(IN AMERICAN) I had to do that. - Take off his clothes!

The tramp! Doctor Jekyll! Where am I?

Shit...!

AMERICAN SPEAKING

I am naked! I am naked!

They got Santi Bailor naked!

They got me naked in the house of sin!

I got naked only in the pool! You dirty!

Did you take pictures of me?

Dirty! Go away, you pander!

You want to make postcards with Santi Bailor naked?

You will go to jail! I�ll see you in the court!

OVERLAPPING VOICES

(IN AMERICAN) Police, can you come to via Margutta?

It�s the body of evidence, it�s the naked body of Nando Mericoni!

I am going out and...

(NANDO) Open the door, you dirty!

Police...

You suck! Open!

I wanted to get out, but they tricked me.

Wow, is that the ghost vessel? What a mast!

I am like a bird in a cage!

A window!

I�ll jump on the roof!

Out of the roof, I will claim your shame!

The sun! I am free!

- Are you ready? - Yes, it�s alright.

We�re online in two minutes.

- Goodnight, nr 1 is ok, I�ll check nr 2. - O.K.!

Dad, sit down and watch Ruggero�s show.

Damn! The break is the best time!

Good morning, Fred Goodnight speaking.

I am always looking for new shows.

This time I�ve chosen for you the roofs of via Margutta.

(TV) A peaceful place where the past and the future meet.

There are no words to describe

this show.

Look what a great show.

Disgusting!

Out of my way, please!

The artists` houses, full of colors

laying in front of the majestic Trinit� dei Monti.

Majestic surrounded by the roman sunset.

The nice little bum!

Disgusting!

They should always play the Rigoletto?

Cut off the naked man!

Get away! Fred, can you hear me?

Change side!

(TV) The colorful shades of the sunset...

- Always him! - Go away!

I bought this tool just to watch this garbage!

We` re sorry, for technical reasons,

we are forced to cut off the external shootings,

but keep on following Fred speaking!

We are in the house of the actress Astrid Siostron,

back after the birth of her last child.

Signora Siostron, anything to say?

Sure. I hope my Italian fans will forgive me

if I didn�t act as much as promised.

But I made many children.

Thanks, miss. Mr Siostron... I am sorry, Mr Verdolini.

Any news about your career?

No anticipations about my new directing.

- I prefer to be considered as a happy father. - Sure.

This is a good occasion to introduce you our last born.

- A 8 kilos guy. - Very good, let�s see.

The fans will be happy to know.

You�re going to meet a beautiful 8 kilos guy...

- (NANDO) Excuse me... - What�s up?

Cut off!

I can�t, it�s stuck!

Damn!

Stop!

Fred Buonanotte speaking!

Go away!

Hello? One, two. One, two.

It`s not working?

The handcuffs are ready for him!

Mericoni Ferdinando, can you hear me?

Got it, Mericoni Ferdinando speaking .

Who�s speaking there.

I am a very important person, I am here to help you.

If you�re coming down, I can help you to sail the ocean.

I can pay your trip.

Mericoni Ferdinando speaking: you don�t trick me.

Then I�ll send you to jail! Damn!

He�s here! Let him pass, he�s American!

I am the secretary of the American embassy.

We are here on the ambassador�s account.

Tell him we�re fixing the problem.

Handcuffs are ready.

- No handcuffs. - What?

No, I have a message on the ambassador�s account.

- The ambassador? - Yes. - A private message?

To that fucking acrobat?

So he won�t act crazy

and to avoid political speculations,

better we talk to the young man.

This is the microphone.

Mister Bear will talk, from the American embassy.

If they are granting him a passport, I will quit.

"You", America! You, "very" America! O.K.!

AMERICAN SPEAKING

I am talking on the American ambassador�s account

AMERICAN SPEAKING

The ambassador, touched by your wish to go to America,

so that you will be alive and enthusiast,

is offering you a free trip, to the United States,

- where you will get also a job. - O.K.!

O.K., I�m coming! Fireman, help me!

America! # "Happy" ERBI "for you", happy ERBI for you... #

AMERICAN SPEAKING

With this generous action ...

APPLAUSES

AMERICAN SPEAKING

O.K.! O.K., boy!

AMERICAN SPEAKING

Nando, don�t move! What�s up?

What are you doing?

Nando, what�s up?

< One moment, Mr Mericoni, calm down.

< You knew that Nando�s craziness would bring out a tragedy.

< But maybe this is just a comedy.

< A farce that the fate turned into tragedy for our hero.

< What would have happened if the ambassador�s reporter

would not have been the same one of the Maranella�s ravine,

< Not considering Nando his personal enemy,

he would have gone into his car,

giving him the nice usual speech,

mentioning Abraham Lincoln, George Washington...

And then Nando would have been sent to America

to vent out his desires.

12, 27, 98, 41. 12, 27, 98, 41.

9, 8, 7, 4, 9. 8, 7, 12, 27, 98, 41.

< But reality is always different from dreams.

< But Nando�s head is wrapped up in something unusual

about the real ending of this incredible event.

- After 10 days, is he going to wake up? - Soon, madam.

- Doctor, I need a private information. - Tell me.

- How long is going to last? - Don�t worry.

- I am paying! - I understand, just a few days.

- Can we fire the waitress? - You�ll never change!

- Fine! Doctor, I trust you. - He�ll be home in a few days.

Doctor, I am the father. Will he still act that crazy

- when he�ll wake up? - No, don�t worry.

The shock gave him a neurosis.

- Compulsory! - Forced.

Won�t he think to America anymore?

He won�t, don�t worry.

He�s waking up.

- Nando, you are healed! - Moriconi! - Nando!

Let him rest, can you notice how peaceful he is? He�s healed.

Bye, Nando.

Bye, Nando.

(Nando, they say you are really healed.)

(Healed out of what?)

FAKE AMERICAN WORDS