Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Hello, may I speak to Dr. Ruston, please?

This is Nurse Winslow calling.

Hi, Sam, honey. It's me, Dorothy.

I had to call you.

You can't come over tonight.

Bernice won't leave the house.

I'm sorry, too. You'll just have to have dinner with your wife.

Do you know how much I hate Bernice?

Yes, I know she's my sister, but do you know what she did last night?

She rearranged the furniture in the entire house, that's what she did.

Nurse, excuse me, excuse me. Could I speak to you for a minute?

Just a minute, Sam. Yes?

Could you please tell me what room my daughter is in?

Her name is Gloria Stivic and she's havin' a baby.

Uh, no, sorry, we have no Stivic here.

So, anyway, Sam... Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she's gotta be here. Excuse me, miss.

You see, my son-in-law Mike just called

from the Mount Vesuvius Italian restaurant an hour ago,

and that ain't far from here, so she's gotta be here.

I'll have to put you on hold, Doctor, on hold.

Oh, Sam, you're so sick.

Now, what was that name?

Edith Bunker.

Bunker, Bunker, Bunker.

No, there's no Edith Bunker here.

Well, I ain't lookin' for Edith Bunker.

I'm Edith Bunker.

I'm lookin' for Gloria Stivic.

She's my daughter, and... and she's supposed

to be here right now, havin' a baby.

Edith.

Oh, Archie!

The parking lot out there is overflowin' with cars.

What in the hell... Is there an epidemic here?

I had to park three blocks away. I ran all the way, Edith,

with a dog chasing me and the kids threw sticks at me.

Archie,

Gloria ain't here. What do you mean? She's gotta be here.

No, she ain't here. I'm afraid somethin' happened.

Maybe she had the baby in the restaurant, Come on, take it easy.

Or in a taxi... Will you take it easy? Let me handle this.

Hey, Nurse. Hey, Nurse. Nurse.

Hey, Nurse. Hey, Nurse!

Just a minute, Sam.

Aren't you a little old for trick-or-treat?

Uh, I'm only dressed this way because I was in a menstrual show.

A what?

A menstrual show. A menstrual show.

Minstrel.

I mean, I wanna find my daughter.

I will be right with you as soon as I am off the phone.

Nurse, you are off the phone now. So, Sam, what she did was...

Admissions.

No, Bernice, I do not...

No, no, Bernice. Oh, Jesus, isn't this terrible?

It is your turn to do the grocery shopping

and I do not want liver tonight.

Bernice. Bernice.

All right, Bernice. You buy liver and I'll kill you.

Nurse, we're lookin' for our daughter and this is her first baby.

I'm sorry. Now, what was the doctor's name?

Dr. Shapiro. Shapiro.

Which Dr. Shapiro?

Shapiro, the groinecologist.

Well, what is his first name?

What is it?

I don't remember. We don't remember, we didn't name the guy.

Isn't it just possible that you've come to the wrong hospital?

You know, this is Presbyterian Hospital.

I know it's Presbyterian. I wouldn't send my daughter to Hebrew National.

I'm very busy, and I'd just as soon see less of you.

Well, until we find my daughter, you're gonna see more.

That's it! Huh?

Seymour! Huh?

Seymour Shapiro.

Seymour Shapiro.

Yes. There it is.

Dr. Seymour Shapiro, and he's made a reservation for Gloria Stivic.

Yes. But she hasn't arrived yet.

What do you mean? She should have been here an hour ago.

Go call the restaurant, will you?

Oh, yeah, I'll go call Mount Vesuvius.

Where's the phone? In the waiting room.

Oh, thank you. Wait a minute, wait a minute...

I see it right over here. Can't you read?

I can see it upside down. Mrs. Stivic, room 118.

That is Stipic.

It is Stivic. "P", as in pest.

"P" as in "nuts to you."

Well, you're just fine, Miss Stipic.

You'll be a little groggy till the anesthesia wears off.

Now, if you need me for anything, you just press this button.

Right here, it's right by the bed. Pleasant dreams.

Hey, Gloria.

Aw, jeez.

I was comin' in here looking for a young girl.

Listen, while I'm here, you got any cold cream?

What for?

Can't you look at me and figure that out?

Take anything you want!

Oh, all right.

Okay, okay. Hey, here we are.

Get in here, fast!

There's a fat black man in here,

and I'm in no condition to be raped!

What the hell are you talkin' about? "A fat black man in here"?

Rape! Rape!

Who'd want to rape you, anyway?

Nobody. Not even one of us guys.

Dr. Seymour Shapiro, please.

Yes, I'll hold on.

Where's my husband? Shh!

Please, I'm waiting for Dr. Shapiro now.

Hey, Nurse, have you got a place where I can take this off...

I couldn't get through to the restaurant, the line was busy.

Now, listen, Nurse. Listen, Nurse.

If you can't find my daughter, then get off your private conversations

and get me my daughter's Dr. Shapiro.

That was Dr. Shapiro.

You Meathead you.

You couldn't get here on time with a pregnant wife,

me and the mother-in-law so worried,

you should see how she's been drivin' the poor nurse crazy here.

Didn't I see you in Show Boat?

What happened to you? You had us all worried here.

Daddy, is that you?

It ain't your Aunt Jemima.

♪ Old man river ♪

Come on, come on.

I can't believe it! I was trying to get it off...

I'm sorry, Daddy, I know you rushed over here.

It's just that you look so... Oh!

How fast are the pains coming?

I'm in constant pain here.

Mrs. Stivic? Oh!

They're comin' about every five...

Every five minutes,

and they're stronger and sharper now.

I can't stop...

I guess it just must be the nervous tension.

Well, I can't stand this. I'm sorry, Daddy.

Oh, well, that's all right, little girl, you can laugh at me if you want.

Yeah, that's all right.

But not you!

I wasn't laughin'.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Where's that wheelchair?

Oh, well, I certainly hope it's on its way.

Here's the chair. Here's the chair.

That's my father!

Good luck, Mrs. Stivic, and thanks.

I haven't laughed this much

since my sister, Bernice, sat down on a hot stove.

Get her into the delivery room and let her deliver, will you?

Good luck.

Next time I see you, you're going to be a mother.

And the next time I see you, you're going to be a grandmother.

And the next time I see Daddy, he'll be white.

Hey, Nurse.

I got this stuff to take it off my face, see?

Can you direct me to a toilet at least?

Yeah, follow me.

Well, I guess it is kind of funny after all, huh?

Oh, my God, what the hell is this?

Well, here we are.

We've waited nine and a half months and here it is.

The big moment.

Michael, we've been in this labor room for six hours now

and I think that's about the 18th time you've said "the big moment."

Well, it is. It is a big moment.

That's 19.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry it's taking so long. You must be bored.

Bored? Honey, how can you say I'm bored?

I mean, my wife is gonna have a baby, how can you be bored?

That wasn't a bored yawn, that was a tired yawn, that was...

Hey. Hey, I know what.

Why don't we play 20 questions again?

Okay. All right, I got one.

Ask the first question.

All right.

Why did you do this to me?

Because one night we got tired of playin' 20 questions.

♪ Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain ♪

Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Okla... Nothin'.

Knock, knock.

Who's there? Armageddon.

Armageddon who?

Armageddon tired waiting for the baby.

Yeah, it's almost here, the big moment.

That's 20.

Hey, I got something we can do. What?

We can time this contraction.

Okay, all right.

Hello. MIKE: Oh, hi, Dr. Shapiro.

How you doing? I'm fine.

That's nice, but I meant Gloria.

How are the contractions, coach?

Well, they're comin' about four minutes apart. That's 15 seconds, honey.

Don't you think we should take her into the delivery room?

Well, I respect your diagnosis, Doctor, but would you mind a second opinion?

Doctor. MIKE: Thirty seconds.

I've prepared delivery room A. Oh, we're using B.

I thought we were using A. No, B, please.

I wish we could make up our minds around here.

Well, I have. B.

Forty-five seconds. She's so grouchy. Is she mad at us?

No, Bernice isn't mad at you. She's mad at her sister, Dorothy.

Here you go. Good girl.

I could tell you stories about those two nurses that would curl your hair.

But I wanna talk about you. How about it?

Are you ready for the big moment?

That's 21. That's 21.

Mmm. Mmm.

Can't you eat without chewing?

I'm sorry, Archie. Mmm.

I don't know why I'm so hungry. This is terrible.

If it's so terrible, why the hell are you eatin' it?

Oh, the chicken ain't terrible.

It's good, I'm enjoyin' it.

That's what's terrible.

When I'm worried, I ain't hungry. I can't eat nothin'.

But now, here I am stuffin' myself and that means I ain't worried

and I should be worried, 'cause my daughter's havin' a baby.

Why can't I stop eatin' this chicken?

You must be in love with the Colonel.

Oh!

I wonder what that Meathead is doin' in there all this time.

He's helpin' Gloria.

What do you mean, helpin' her?

He couldn't even get his wife out of a phone booth.

How's he gonna get a baby out of his wife?

He's just in there, fumblin' around.

Archie, Mike is helpin' Gloria feel better.

I wish you'd been with me in the room when I had Gloria.

I was with you when it counted.

Archie.

I meant when you brung the baby home.

Oh!

Get your mind out of Cosmopolitan magazine, will you?

Oh, please don't sigh.

I'm worried about not bein' worried.

When Sybil Gooley's daughter had her baby,

Sybil was worried to death.

And all I can feel is happy.

Don't you feel nothin'?

Yeah, I feel as though my cheeks has gone to sleep here.

You know, this is the worst place in the body for the blood circulation there.

You gotta move it around, see?

What the hell are you lookin' at?

I ain't worried, 'cause I'm full of joy and happiness.

Yeah, you're full of chicken, too.

Just think, Archie, we're gonna be grandparents. Aw, jeez.

Hello, Grandpa Archie! Come on, come on, Edith, come on.

Will you get your chickeny fingers off the rented suit?

Get over there and sit down. Sit down, will you?

Can't you calm yourself, huh? Can't you just try to relax there?

Can't think of nothing better to do, chew on a bone.

I ain't hungry.

Ain't that wonderful? I lost my appetite.

And now, I'm gonna begin to worry.

Pretty soon, I'll feel like a real grandma.

Oh, Edith, you're a pip, you know that?

You're a real pip.

But I gotta tell you somethin'.

Just between you and me, see?

I think that you're gonna make

one hell of a grandma.

Oh, Archie!

Oh, stop. Oh, jeez.

Oh, why do I bother sayin' nice things?

Don't start. The guy over there'll think I'm hittin' you here.

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, push.

Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...

Okay. Okay, all right, all right, honey.

Okay, all right, all right.

Oh, that felt good. You're doing great, honey.

You're doing great. Won't be long now.

Hey, Seymour, remember in the labor room,

when you started to tell us those juicy stories about the two nurses?

I sure would like to hear one now.

Honey, do you think we need stories now? I wanna hear stories.

Bernice was engaged to a young med student,

when Dorothy introduced him to the daughter of a shipping magnate

who was in the hospital with a nervous breakdown.

I don't believe this.

My wife is havin' a baby and I'm listening to a soap opera.

Who cares about Dorothy and Bernice?

Oh, hello, Bernice. How's Dorothy?

She's terrible.

The whole world should know what my sister is.

Do you want to know what she did to me?

Sure, that's why we're all here.

I wanna know. I gotta push again.

All right, all right, inhale, exhale.

Inhale, swallow, push. Here it is.

Two, three, four. Here it is.

The head is coming. The head is coming.

Now take it nice and easy. Six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight. Attagirl.

Okay, okay. Attagirl.

One, two. Now keep pushing.

Like stepping on the accelerator of a car.

I don't drive.

Keep pushing. Did you hear that? Did you hear what she said?

She said she doesn't drive.

She's sittin' here panting and pushing, and she's making jokes.

Isn't she terrific?

She's terrific! You're terrific, honey. You're just terrific!

Isn't she terrific? She's terrific.

Keep calm, Mr. Stivic. We haven't lost a father yet.

You hear what she said, honey? We haven't lost a father yet. Isn't she terrific?

Everybody's terrific.

Gloria, you're doing fine, fine.

Now stop pushing and look at the mirror.

Just blow, honey, just blow, don't push. Blow.

Now the head is coming. Here's the head.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Is it a boy or a girl?

I can't tell from just the ears.

Gloria, Gloria, just one more little push.

One little push, honey. One little push.

You have a son. We have a son!

A healthy son. We have a son!

We have a son.

We have a son.

With a complete inventory.

Look at him. He's getting pinker and pinker.

We've got a terrific boy.

He's beautiful.

So are you.

So are you. I love you, honey.

I love you.

Wasn't too bad, was it?

Oh, no, Michael. Not with you here to help.

How you feel about a second one?

Not now, Michael, I have a headache.

Hey, Arch. Hi, Edith. Has it happened yet?

Oh, no, Barney.

My ex-lodge brother. What are you doin' around here?

Us guys at the lodge talked it over and you was right to go to your daughter.

Oh, jeez. So we ain't gonna kick you out for missing the minstrel show.

Oh, ain't that nice.

Edith, this is for Gloria.

Oh, look, Archie. Oh, thank you, Barney.

Oh, yeah, well, it ain't only from me.

All the guys in the show chipped in a buck apiece.

Look at that. I told you, didn't I? The most wonderful guys in the world.

Yeah. Hey, you owe us your buck.

All right, all right, Barney, sure. Give him a buck, will you?

Oh, sure. Thanks a lot, Barney. It was swell of you.

Arch, our pleasure. Here you are.

Thanks, Edith.

Well, I'm gonna be runnin' along now. Good luck, folks, and the best of everything.

Thank you very much, Barney. Thank you, Barney.

Let me ask you somethin'. How come you always got money, and I got nothin'?

Look at the time.

Mr. and Mrs. Bunker, it's a boy.

A boy, jeez, a boy!

Oh, jeez, I never thought the Meathead had it in him.

Oh, thank you very much, Doctor.

You're welcome, Arch.

Ma, we did it!

We got a boy!

Hey, look what I just run out and bought for youse.

Thanks, Arch. How's Gloria?

She's terrific, Ma. Oh, Mike!

What?

Huh?

Oh, what the hell.

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.