Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

I can't do it. I hate it, I hate it.

Edith, call up the lodge,

tell 'em I ain't gonna play in that show tonight.

Oh, Archie, here you are. Calm down.

I made you a nice cup of tea.

Get the tea away from me, it gives me gas.

Edith, if I have to do that show tonight,

it's gonna be the first time in my life I vomit in public.

Archie... It's true, Edith. It's true. Now, listen.

Barney Hefner and Ed Bradley are comin' over

here in a few minutes to pick me up now.

We gotta tell 'em, see, that I'm having my tonsils out.

You told 'em that two years ago

when they wanted you to go door-to-door sellin' lemon pies for law and order.

I was so ashamed of them runny pies.

Think of something, will you? What about a hangnail, maybe?

Listen, did we ever use up my gallbladder on anything?

Archie, I can't lie about your gallbladder.

What the hell is so sacred about a gallbladder?

Edith, the trouble with you is you can't lie about nothin'.

Oh, Archie, lyin' ain't never no good for fixin' things.

Lyin' is a terrific way of fixin' things.

The top men in the country fix things like that everyday.

Now, listen, Edith,

you don't wanna do that, but you gotta remember one thing.

When you married me, you promised to love, honor, and obey me.

You're the one that wanted the word obey in.

I wanted to cherish you.

Edith, well, go ahead and start cherishin' me.

Sock in a good lie, will you?

Archie. Oh.

There they are. Now remember, cherish me, Edith, huh?

Oh, please don't... Shut up and cherish me!

Cherish, cherish me! Cherish...

Evening, Mrs. Bunker. It's me, Ed Bradley.

Oh, yeah. Oh, come in, Mr. Bradley.

Thanks.

Oh, sit down. Thanks.

I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you.

You're the president of the lodge.

Not the president.

They call me the Grand Potentate

of the Royal Brotherhood of the Kings of Queens.

Oh!

But you still kill cockroaches for a living, don't you?

Sure.

Our secret knock. That's Barney. Oh!

Well, shut my mouth! If it ain't Miss Scarlett O'Bunker.

Barney Hefner, is that you under there?

It ain't the Reverend Ike.

Let's get this minstrel show on the road.

Where's my partner Rastus?

Rastus? Yeah. Rastus Bunker.

Oh, Archie!

Yeah. Uh-huh...

He don't feel too good.

Edith, is that the doctor down there?

No, it's Mr. Bradley and Barney.

Oh, gee! What a surprise. I never expected them.

Uh, did you tell 'em how sick I am?

He really don't feel too good.

What's he claim he got this time?

I don't know.

But it's somethin' that's goin' around.

Hey, Edith, I'm in trouble up here.

Ain't you got nothin' to bind me?

I knew he'd pull this.

He's been tryin' to weasel out for three days now.

Right. Hey, Edith, you better go up and talk to him.

'Cause we ain't got anybody else fat enough to fit his costume.

Hey, Edith. I'm in trouble here, I need another roll.

It's in the cabinet.

What?

In the cabinet.

On your right if you're sittin' down.

And on your left if you're standin' up.

Thank you, dear.

The little man from Ty-D-Bol wouldn't last long around here.

Look, Arch, I'm telling you right now, if you don't show up tonight,

at our next meetin', I'm gonna bring up a motion

to have you kicked out of the lodge.

Hey, there, hold it there, Barn.

Hey, hey, don't do that, Barney. Wait a minute.

Before you do anything rash and lousy, Barney...

Get away from there, will you?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Am I gonna have to look like this?

It's your traditional blackface.

Did youse put that on at home? Yeah.

Why? We like it.

Listen, I ain't gonna do that minstrel show. What?

I'm too sick. I'm too sick.

Think of the lodge, think of the audience there.

I'm full of germs. I'll be spraying germs all over your nears and dears.

I shouldn't even be standin' next to youse right now.

Edith, call the doctor, huh? I'm coming right down.

Knock it off.

You were trying to get out of the show all week.

All you got is a little stage fright, pal.

Listen, listen... You can't back out now.

The show goes on in two hours.

Yeah, we got nobody to replace you.

Fellas, if I get up on that stage,

I'm gonna turn green and die.

I'm gonna level with you. You let the lodge down,

we're gonna vote you out. - Right.

Now, wait a minute. Vote me out? A charter member there.

I'm one of the best members, never missed a meetin', never missed his dues,

never broke a rule, never showed the secret, sacred handshake to nobody.

Except me.

What's that?

It was all right, it was in bed.

Shut up!

Under the cover.

And the lights was out.

Oh!

You showed her the secret handshake?

To your wife?

You showed it to a topless waitress in Mineola.

She showed me, I showed her.

Don't listen, Edith.

Listen, Arch, you get kicked out of the lodge,

you're gonna lose all your benefits... Wait a minute...

Right, like your life insurance policy with a cash value of $90.

And your burial plot with perpetual care.

Where you get weeded twice a year.

You'll lose that, Arch,

Edith won't be able to find you for the crabgrass.

It's up to you, Arch, it's up to you, pal.

Either you do the show or... you're out of the lodge.

You see this, Edith? And you wouldn't lie for me.

Can't you get somebody to replace him?

He's really scared. Yeah.

You ain't no friends of Archie's...

No, no, no! Now wait a minute! Edith, Edith...

I ain't gonna stand here and listen to that about my friends here.

These are two of the most wonderful guys in the world.

They're my lodge brothers here.

Edith, get over here. Get over here.

Watch what you say, will you? What do you wanna do?

Get me kicked out of the lodge? It means everything.

The lodge is with you all through your life right to the end.

Hey, you remember when Porky Minkleheimer died?

Way up there in the Bronx. Remember the towin' out from the lodge?

Two hundred guys went way up to the cemetery to see him planted up there.

And nobody even liked him.

But then you're gonna have to do the show.

No, I don't wanna do the show.

What do you say, Arch? It's gettin' late,

and you ain't even got your costume or make-up on.

Wait, wait a minute, guys. Now let me give you the truth, huh?

Lodge brothers, I can tell you the truth.

I'm a-scared to go up in front of that audience for fear they boo me.

Ah... I don't think I'm gonna get no laughs.

What are you talkin' about?

Last rehearsal, you had us all rolling in the aisles, laughin'.

Yeah. Youse were all drunk.

You would have laughed at a burnin' hotel.

Will you stop worryin', Arch? You're gonna get laughs.

The jokes are dynamite. Have you tried 'em out on Edith?

No, no, I'm ashamed.

Ed, you get over to the piano. All right.

Edith, you sit there with him.

Now, I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna do part of the routine, see?

If Edith laughs, then you do the show. Oh, come on!

It's that fair. I don't want to do that.

Yeah, go on. Edith. Don't laugh.

All right. Now let's get this show on the road.

Now, you get a four bar intro.

The curtain goes up and, boys, you're on.

Aw...

♪ By the light ♪ Of the silvery moon

♪ I want to spoon

♪ To my honey I'll croon ♪ Love's tune

Hey, Mr. Bones? Yeah, Rastus?

What do I get when I cross a parrot with a tiger?

I don't know, Rastus.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a tiger?

I don't know either, but when it talks, I listen.

She laughed!

That wasn't a laugh, she's chokin' on somethin' there.

All right, come on. Let's keep goin'.

Oh, God.

♪ Honey moon ♪ Keep a-shinin' in June

♪ Your silvery beams will bring love's dreams

♪ We'll be cuddlin' soon ♪

Hey, there, Rastus. Yeah.

Whatever happened to that brother of yours who swallowed all them firecrackers?

We don't know. We're still waitin' to hear the last report.

Hey, hey. Zilch, see, zilch.

Come on, now, Edith. Be fair. If you're gonna laugh, laugh. Let it out.

That wasn't a laugh, it was just a big sneeze.

Here, wipe your dress off.

Let's keep going. All right.

Mr. Bones. Yeah, yeah, Rastus?

I'm goin' up to Alaska next weekend to play polo.

Who are you gonna play polo with in Alaska?

With the polo bears.

Oh, I wasn't laughin' at Archie.

I was laughin' at Mike.

You know, Edith, you are ding-battin' a thousand tonight.

Don't laugh at nothin' or nobody.

Go in the kitchen and make coffee or somethin' like that, huh?

Right away.

Ma, here's your casserole. Oh, thanks, Mike.

I don't believe you guys.

You're actually gonna put on a minstrel show in this day and age?

You ought to get great reviews from the Ku Klux Klan.

This is the worst kind of bigotry.

What are you talkin' about?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold it.

The boy is right. What?

Yes, he is. He is absolutely right.

Now this is a bad thing we're doin'. That ain't nice, there,

dressin' up like that and making fun of the colored people.

No, Archie Bunker ain't gonna do that.

He ain't gonna get up on a stage and make fun of people

that he liked and admired all his life.

Are you on something?

Shut up, you!

We ain't tryin' to make fun of anybody.

We just wanna dress up like coloreds. Yeah.

This is ridiculous! Yes.

You guys are a pack of racists. Yeah.

That's what you are, Barney.

That's what you look like, a racist over there.

Arch, how can you be in a lodge like this?

He's practically out of it now.

Hold it, hold it, hold it. Now wait a minute.

Now you were talking good there for a minute, but you went too far.

Now these are my lodge brothers who I love here.

And there ain't nothin' wrong with minstrel shows.

No. Hey, that's right. There ain't. You know that.

It goes ways back, the minstrel show into US history.

That comes back to your carefree days of slavery.

Yeah.

Yeah, don't look like that. That's part of your whole American heresy.

Arch, doesn't it bother you that black people are offended at a show like this?

They ain't gonna see this show. They ain't allowed in.

I just figured out why our baby is two weeks late.

Huh? He's in no hurry to meet his grandfather.

Get away from me! And don't borrow no casseroles no more!

Congratulations, Arch. The way you stuck up for the lodge.

Hey, listen, you know.

May I say right now, Brother Bunker,

that if I croak before you do,

I would be honored to have you as one of my pallbearers.

Oh, hey, Barney, it'd be a pleasure.

And you're gonna do the show, right?

Hey, wait, Barney, Ed... The show starts at 8:00, Arch.

I can't, I can't do it. Don't make me.

Here you are. Here's the... Oh!

They've gone. Please, Edith. Oh, my...

Archie, where are you goin'?

I am goin' upstairs. What's the matter?

The next flush you hear is the real thingy.

Yeah, and before the antipasto,

we'd like two glasses of your best house wine.

Of course. When do you expect the baby?

Oh, it's two weeks late.

I have to hurry!

Hey, honey? Yeah.

Do you know how much I love you?

How much?

As much as there are leaves on the trees.

The trees are bare, Michael. It's the dead of winter.

Make it snowflakes.

Hey, honey. Mmm?

You remember the first time we ever went out?

Oh, yeah. Wasn't that a lovely night?

Remember what the band was playing?

Sure. Who could forget?

♪ Oh, say, can you see ♪

Yeah, it was a great ballgame.

Yeah. You tried to score before the Mets did.

Gloria,

this may be the last time we're together as just a twosome.

I've been a twosome for nine months.

Honey, I'm serious, you know, our lives are gonna be completely different.

Yeah.

Our very best Chianti. Compliments of the house.

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

That's nice.

A toast. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Very interesting. Impertinent and yet Baroque.

Somehow bold and yet saucy.

Gloria. Aggressive and yet naive.

Gloria, you're bein' silly.

Silly and yet sensible.

I wanna make a toast.

Pumpernickel and yet whole wheat.

I'm tryin' to tell you I love you!

I... I... My wife. I love her.

So...

To you.

The most beautiful girl in the world.

The girl that changed my life.

And to the man who changed mine.

And to the baby who's gonna change both of our lives.

And to the years we're gonna spend

changing the baby.

Ooh.

You like the wine, huh?

Not "ooh" for the wine. "Ooh" for the baby.

Why, you mean he kicked you?

Not exactly.

What, exactly?

Oh, I didn't wanna spoil our evenin' together.

But I guess I better tell you.

I just had another contraction.

Had another contraction?

That means that you had one be... When did you have the first one?

Oh, about 20 minutes ago.

Twenty minutes. Let me see. Twenty minutes would mean that

the contractions are coming...

About 20 minutes apart. Right.

Okay, all right. We just... We're calm! We're calm.

We're... I'm gonna call the doctor to alert the hospital,

get a cab.

Waiter, check, please! Waiter, check!

Mike, wait a minute.

With the first baby, we've got plenty of time.

Honey, I really... I would feel a lot better if we left now.

I mean, you never know what could happen.

The cab could break down on the highway.

It could run out of gas. Here we are.

Antipasto speciale. Ooh.

No, we can't, we can't. Cancel the dinner.

My wife just went into labor. We've got to get to the hospital.

Oh...

Come on, honey, let's get up. Come on. Help me up.

All right, well, put down the cheese, will you?

Here we go. Okay, one, two, three.

Upsy-daisy. There we go.

Let me leave a little bit somethin' for him.

Okay, now, you call the doctor and I'll call the hospital, all right?

No, no, no, honey. I'll call Dr. Shapiro

and he'll alert the hospital.

I want you to call Ma and Daddy. I want 'em to be there.

Okay, I'll call Ma and Dad.

Wait, I don't have any change. I don't either.

Wait! I need this money here. Just some...

Take a few cents there. Let me have those.

Grazie. Prego.

Yeah, she sure is.

Here you go, honey. Here's a couple of dimes.

I call Dr. Shapiro.

No, no, no, honey. I'm calling Dr. Shapiro.

You're calling Ma and Daddy. Ma and Dad. Right.

Wait, I don't know the number. I don't know the number.

Wait, I know the number! No, honey, they're not home, they're at the lodge.

I don't know the number. Well, look it up.

Look, it up! Look it up. When you don't know a number,

you look it up in the phone book. Anybody knows that.

You just look it right up in the phone book where you'll find it.

Kings of Queens.

Kings of Queens Lodge... Will you please calm down?

You're getting so upset, you're gonna get me upset.

Don't be upset. I'm fine. I'm fine. You're fine.

Dr. Shapiro's fine. Ma and Dad are fine.

The baby's fine. Everybody's fine. Everybody's happy.

Here we go... Here we go!

555-4378.

555... What're you... What're you standin' there?

What're you standin' there? Get in the phone booth and make a call.

555-4378. What is it? 555-4378.

555-43... Damn door!

555-4378... 5-5-5-5 4-3-7-8.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Is this the, uh, Kings of Queens Lodge?

Uh, yeah... I'm... I...

I wanna talk to a Mr. Archie Bunker.

He's in the minstrel show.

He's one of the guys wearing blackface.

Don't tell me they all look alike. Just find him!

Wait a sec... Wait a second.

No, give... give a message to a Mrs. Edith Bunker.

No, no, she's in white face.

It's her own face that she's in.

She's sitting in the audience.

Just tell her that Gloria is gonna have her baby

and we're on our way to the hospital.

Meet us there, okay?

Good, thank you very much. Goodbye.

Michael. Yeah, honey?

What's the matter? You all right? Yeah.

Just promise me you won't panic.

Honey, I never panic. What's the matter?

Get your ear a little closer to the glass.

Yeah. Can you hear me okay?

Sure, honey. What is it?

The door won't open, I'm stuck in here.

Honey, you're not stuck.

These doors, they're a little bit sticky, they can be opened.

There is no problem. Believe me. Okay.

Just, just trust me.

She's stuck! She's stuck! My whole family is stuck in a phone booth!

Ah, she... she... Waiter! Waiter, help me!

This joint is packed to the rafters.

There must be 400 people out there.

Where's Archie? Ain't he showed up yet?

Yeah, he's back in the toilet puttin' on his make-up.

Ah, what're you lookin' at?

That's your color, Arch. Oh, listen.

This here is every nightmare I ever had come true.

Yeah, but you didn't let us down and that's what counts.

I know, but look at me. I'm as nervous as a hooker in a cathedral.

And under all this black, my face is as white as your coat there.

Archie. Oh, Archie...

Archie, Mike just called from the restaurant.

Gloria's having the baby.

Edith, Edith, that's Archie over there.

Oh, oh! Excuse me.

Archie! Mike just called from the restaurant.

Gloria's having... I heard all that while you was kissin' Barney over there.

Get yourself together.

What do you mean she's havin' a baby in the restaurant?

No, no. Mike called from the restaurant.

And they're goin' down to the hospital.

We've got to get down to the hospital... Oh, she's having a ba...

Oh well, that's it, fellows.

I've got to go to the hospital. Arch!

Arch, we got a show to do. Oh, no, you guys got a show to do.

I've got to be a grandfather.

Now, I went into this with the best will in the world, as you know,

but I got to get to that hospital, guys.

Now, look, Arch, first things first.

You can have a lot of grandchildren, but this is a big show.

Really big show! Oh, no argument, fellows.

Just give me the cold cream to get the junk off the face here.

Listen, you're not using mine, ex-lodge brother. You ain't using mine either.

And you're out of the lodge!

Oh, well, the hell with youse guys and the lodge, too.

Who wants to be a member of a lodge

with only one toilet with a seat that pinches you?

Find the cold cream. Stop yellin'. I mean, what the...

Oh, look at... What is this here?

What is this here? Open up this roll of paper, huh?

It ain't a roll of paper... Oh, a rubber chicken!

I got it, I got it. Hold that mirror for me.

Yeah, well, hurry up, Archie. While I put the cold cream and get it...

Get out of the way! Get out of the way.

Come on, will you? Hurry up, please!

It took you 20 minutes to get here. Can't you get the thing open?

Gloria! Are you all right? I'm okay.

Can you breathe in there?

Yeah, I'm breathin'. Okay, come on...

Hello. Yes, Doctor, I'm still in here.

Oh, contractions are about 10 minutes apart now.

It's the doctor, honey.

No, I don't think the phone booth will fit in an ambulance.

Come on. Can't you hurry up? What are you lookin' at?

Haven't you ever seen a person in a phone booth before?

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.