Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Here we are, some nice fresh donuts.

Mmm, you got some more coffee, Ma?

Oh, Gloria, you shouldn't drink so much coffee.

It might make the baby nervous.

Oh.

Oh! Oh! Oh, Ma, the baby just kicked.

There, you see?

The coffee woke the baby up.

Oh, boy, do I miss Michael.

Oh, when's he coming back from Albany?

Well, the teacher's conference is over on Monday.

Hmm, wonder what he's doing today.

I know how we can find out.

We can look at his horoscope.

Oh, Ma, you don't really believe in astrology, do you?

Oh, no.

But it's fun to know what's gonna happen to you

even if it don't.

What's Mike's sign?

Aquarius.

Oh, here it is.

"Aquarius. This will be an exciting day

"and a good opportunity for a new romance."

Oh! Unless you're attending

a teacher's conference in Albany.

And your name is Michael Stivic.

Nice try, Ma.

What does Daddy's say?

Let's find out what kind of a night he had driving Munson's cab.

Yeah, what's his sign?

Taurus, the bull.

Well, actually, he's on the cusp

between Gemini, the twins, and Taurus, the bull.

But he's a lot closer to the bull.

Yeah.

Oh, here it is.

"The Taurus person," that's Archie,

"will find this day dull and uneventful,

"but may experience excitement in new encounters."

Edith, I just got mugged.

Oh, Archie! Did you say mugged?

I got to get to the kitchen. To the kitchen.

Are you all right? Water for this.

Water for this. Oh, Archie!

Get some water running right away.

Oh, did he hurt you bad?

Muggers never hurt you good, Edith.

Look at the slice he took out of my hand there.

Maybe you should see a doctor. Oh, yeah.

One attempted robbery a night is enough for me.

Does it hurt?

Only when you squeeze it, Edith!

Get something for it there, will you?

Oh, yeah, some alcohol, and then we'll put iodine on it.

Or Mercurochrome, and then we'll...

The longer you talk, the quicker I get lockjaw.

I'll see if I can find the first-aid kit.

Yeah, meantime, I'll stand here and bleed.

Daddy, let me wash that off for you. Yeah, do something.

Hey, could I get gangrune out of that, little girl?

I don't think so.

Daddy, would you recognize the mugger if you saw him again?

Oh, no, no. It all happened too fast.

But I'll tell you one thing that nearly broke my heart.

He was a white guy.

Ow! Jeez!

Daddy, how would you describe the mugger?

Very, very unfriendly.

Here we are. Sit down, Archie. Over here.

Now, this is gonna hurt a little.

Then don't do it. It already hurts a little, Edith.

All right, now.

Say, "Cheese."

Why?

Say, "Cheese."

What the hell do you think you're doin', takin' a picture?

I want you to be smilin'

so I won't feel like I'm hurtin' you so much.

Will you just get that on there?

Oh, jeez!

Oh, Arch, you said it.

Ouch. Oh! Oh, never mind!

Oh, do you wanna hold your hand in a sling?

No, I just got a cut. I wasn't hit by mortar fire.

Daddy, how did it all happen?

I was driving my cab on Skillman Avenue, see?

I was headin' for Bridge Plaza.

So at the corner of 46th Street, I pick up this young, white guy.

He didn't look like no troublemaker, of course, except, he was young.

Daddy, lots of people in New York are white and young.

Oh, not anymore.

Anyway,

I seen he was wearin' this religious medal around his neck.

Well, now, can you imagine a guy with...

Oh! In high school, I got a religious medal once.

It was a St. Christopher's medal

from Russell Lebsfelder.

St. Christopher is the patron saint of travelers,

but he ain't no more.

And when they decided

that Christopher wasn't really a saint,

lots of people stopped wearin' 'em,

and they started buyin' insurance.

Well, that's what I read in the paper.

That's what she read in the paper.

So, what did the mugger do?

The mugger gets into the back of my cab.

I says, "Where to, buddy?" and he says, "Stick 'em up."

What part of town is that?

That's a foreign language, Edith, for, "Stick 'em up."

Did he have a gun?

No, he had a switchblade.

Oh, that's illegal. Yeah.

It's against the law to carry a switchblade.

Oh, I read that in the paper, too.

I got news for you.

Almost anything a mugger does is against the law.

What did you do?

He asked me for my wallet,

so I reach inside my coat,

I take out my little tear gas squirter, and I go...

Right in the peepers.

Ooh, tear gas in the eyes.

You can't blind them by hitting them in the chest.

Well, then what did he do?

He hopped out of the cab and he run up Skillman Avenue

like a chicken with the Colonel behind him.

I hope you didn't run after him.

Certainly did not, 'cause if I'd have caught up with him,

I'd have beat him to a pulk.

And that ain't no business of mine.

That's what we got police brutality for.

Didn't you call the police?

Certainly. I called the station house,

I reported a muggin' like a good citizen,

I left my name and address in case there was a reward.

Listen, Daddy, I'm gonna run home and call Michael and tell him what happened.

Now, let this be a warning to you.

Driving that cab is dangerous.

I'll be all right, little girl.

Next time a mugger flags me down,

I'll tell him, "Go stab a bus driver."

Say hello to Mike for me.

Bye. Oh, Archie, you've had a long night.

Why don't you come in here?

I'll make you a nice breakfast,

and you lie down on the couch.

I hate that couch. It's got a hill in the middle of it there.

I wonder what that could be.

Well, it sounds a lot like the front door, Edith.

Oh, I'll get it.

No, no, no, wait a minute. Let's see who it is, first.

And if it's the Salivation Army or Irene Lorenzo,

we all pretend we died in here.

Oh, jeez, it's a flatfoot.

Oh, he's probably here about the muggin'.

Archie, you shouldn't call a policeman a flatfoot.

It ain't nice.

Oh, to hell with him. Where was he when I needed him?

He was probably friskin' some topless waitress.

Open the door.

Shh! Shh!

Well, well, well, well, one of New York's finest. Step right in.

Archie Bunker? Yeah.

Officer Gorsky. How are you?

How do you do, Officer?

Well, make yourself at home there. Sit down if you want.

You guys ain't had a day's rest since your last strike.

Don't stand there, Edith. Get the officer some coffee.

I'll make some fresh.

Use up what's there.

Well, I guess you come about the muggin', huh?

Yeah, I'm here to complete the report.

Yeah, well, I hope you catch the bum.

There's too many of them guys runnin' around.

You know what I'd do with all of them?

I'd tie 'em up on a cannibal island and throw ketchup on 'em.

According to your statement, the incident happened after dark.

You said the suspect was a Caucasian?

No, he was white.

No, well, he could've had some colored mixed up.

But, I mean, anything can happen nowadays, you know what I mean?

He... Yeah, he could have been one of them macaroons.

Well, do you have a more positive identification?

Uh, what about scars, Mr. Bunker?

Well, only this one here.

We're tryin' to identify him, not you.

Yeah, well, I don't know.

He was a young white guy, he was carryin' a switchblade knife.

They all carry them switchblades.

That's why I carry my little tear gas squirter with me.

Tear gas? Oh, you got one of those, huh?

Oh, you're damn right.

Had to fill out all the forms for it, huh?

No, no, I got it out of a magazine,

you know, in the back with all them ads

for blackhead squeezers and pimple crushers?

And them gadgets, you know, for clippin' hairs out of the nose.

Here we are.

How do you like your coffee?

Oh, black, please.

Would you like a donut? Oh, thank you.

Uh, Mr. Bunker,

this, uh, tear gas squirter, what does it look like?

Oh, well, it looks like a little fountain pen there.

It's a very handy little gadget.

You keep it in a glove compartment of your car

or your inside pocket there.

I'm surprised you cops ain't got them,

especially when you're patrollin' up in Central Park dressed like a dame,

waitin' for some guy to rape you, you know?

I tell you, one squirt of this will take the urge out of anybody.

Uh, is this it?

Yeah, yeah. You find that in my coat?

Yeah. It's cute, huh?

Well, we got ourselves a law-breaker.

Well, if you caught the guy, why didn't you tell me when you come in?

Not him, you.

Huh?

Archie?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

What are you talkin' about?

You broke the law, Mr. Bunker.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

What are you tellin' me, I mugged myself?

The mugger is still on the loose,

but you, sir, are in violation

of New York City code, section 436-5.0.

I quote,

"It shall be unlawful for any person to possess

"any lacrimating, asphyxiating, incapacitating,

"or deleterious gas or gases

"or liquids or liquids without permit."

Lacravating or finixiating?

How the hell can I break a law I can't even spell?

You did,

and you're in a lot of trouble, sir.

You can pay a fine up to $500

or three months in the cooler.

Holy cow.

I'm gonna issue you a citation to appear in court.

You have a right to remain silent...

Oh, listen... Well, why should he be silent?

He didn't do nothin' wrong.

He didn't break no law. I didn't do nothin', here.

I'm earnin' a livin'. But he was just protectin' himself.

He was defendin' himself. He might have been killed.

You're a policeman. You're supposed to protect people.

And what are you doin'? You gave him a donut.

Give me that back!

Flatfoot!

Oh, Archie, what are you doin'?

I'm watchin' a monster eat New York.

Oh. Oh, that ain't no good.

The monster don't think so neither.

Well, you ought to get some sleep.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So you'll be rested

I can't sleep. For court tomorrow.

Come on in the kitchen. I'll give you a nice glass of milk.

Oh, no, no, stay with the beer.

The milk will have me trottin' all night.

Maybe a snack will help you sleep.

You don't seem to understand what's gonna happen here, Edith.

If I'm convicted, jeez, I could lose my job.

Maybe I won't get my hack license renewed.

I ain't a criminal! I ain't even the type!

Well, of course you ain't a criminal, Archie.

You couldn't be a criminal.

Criminals have to break open safes

and commit forgery and cut the right wires

so the burglar alarm system won't ring.

You don't know how to do none of those things.

I didn't say I was too stupid to be a criminal,

I... I just said I wasn't the type.

Hi. Oh, hi.

What are you doin' up there, little girl?

I couldn't sleep, either.

I've been wonderin',

how can it be against the law

for my father to protect himself from a mugger?

Yeah, don't make no sense to me.

Well, nothin' makes sense in this country

since General Eisenhower was sleepin' in the White House.

Daddy,

what you need is a good lawyer to protect your civil rights.

Ah, who needs a lawyer? Drink the milk here.

Civil rights ain't for law-abidin' citizens, anyhow.

They're for springin' your pinko submersives

and all 'em un-Americans

who are always tryin' to force peace down our throats.

Well, what are you gonna do, Daddy, be your own lawyer?

Well, why not?

All he has to do is tell them he was defendin' himself.

Everybody's got a right to do that.

Yeah, I mean, jeez, even the animals got a right to do that.

The tigers do it with their claws,

and porcupines do it with their porcuprickers,

and the skunks, they squirt their enemies

just like I done.

Look at all the vultures here.

You can always count on a mob for a hangin'.

Daddy, it's not gonna help if you act so scared.

Yeah, listen, little girl, when the judge comes out, see,

and looks at you, I want you to stand around this way, see?

So that he can see I'm soon to be a nice grandpa, see?

I think we'd better sit down.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead, sit down.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Don't talk to him. Just follow me.

All right, go on, little girl. Get over there.

Daddy? Yeah.

Is that the cop that did it? Yeah.

Don't look at him, damn it.

Archie, shh!

Don't swear when you talk to the judge.

Just smile and be nice.

Oh, jeez, Edith, smiles don't win your cases.

You wanna win a case,

you slip the judge $50 under the bench.

Oh, no!

It is true.

This court is in session.

Judge Frances MacKenzie presiding.

Please rise.

This guy MacKenzie,

probably had a bad night and a lousy breakfast

and sufferin' from hemorrhoids.

I'm gonna get 90 days in the clinker for sure.

Shh!

Holy cow, it's the rock pile for me.

Please be seated.

What do you call a lady judge?

Your Honor. No.

Well, madam, I guess.

No, madams is the one she sends up.

Will Mr. Sloane present the first case, please?

Thank you, Your Honor. "One Archibald Bunker

"is charged with violating the

administrative code of the city of New York,

"by possessing a tear gas weapon."

Is Archibald Bunker in the courtroom?

Yeah, I'm over here, Mrs. Judge.

Approach the bench, please.

Yeah, I'm approachin' now. Yeah, here I am.

What do you plead?

Uh, guilty with an explanation.

What is the explanation?

I ain't guilty.

You can't plead guilty and not guilty.

It must be one or the other.

Yeah, I know, but it ain't a clear case of black and white.

Nothing personal there.

You see, us cabbies,

we... we got to defend ourselves somehow, you know?

And these muggers, they carry knives, I mean,

they don't fight according to the rules of Marcus Pillsbury, you know.

I mean, they stab you. Look at the dig this guy gave me.

And he could cut me in worse places, you know?

I mean, a cabbie could wind up the night shift singin' soprano,

if you get my meanin' here.

Your Honor, this is merely an arraignment to set the date for trial.

Mr. Bunker is already pleading his case.

And very colorfully,

if you'll pardon the expression.

Say whatever you like, Judge.

Proceed. Yeah.

Well, you know, I'm a law-abidin' citizen, and I wouldn't hurt a fly

even if it was drinkin' my beer.

I'm a family man. Here's the family, over here.

Over here.

Here's the wife sittin' here. Stand up, will you?

She talks a lot, but there ain't no harm in her at all.

Sit down.

And here's the daughter over here. Up, huh?

Hurry up, the two of you, will you?

Here, there she is.

And, you see, uh, she's, uh... Face there.

She's, right now, she's pregnant with child there, Your Honor, see?

And, uh, it's a legal child, which is a good thing for nowadays.

Now, we're gonna name that child Archie

after me, you see?

Unless you turn my name into a number,

and that'd be a hell of a disgrace.

Of course, we could name him Junior, after Sammy Davis.

Who's a very good friend of mine. He was in my house.

Mr. Bunker, do you have an attorney?

He seems to be defending himself, Your Honor.

Like I was defendin' myself in my cab.

Now, you must plead guilty or innocent,

and I'll set a date for trial.

And, Mr. Bunker, I suggest you hire a lawyer.

Yeah, but, Judge, what do I need a lawyer for?

I don't even know why I'm in court,

just because I squirted tear gas at a mugger.

You mean you actually used that weapon?

Damn right!

Archie!

Shh!

You were only charged with possession.

This is a new ballgame, Your Honor.

Using a dangerous weapon is assault. That's a felony.

Wait a minute.

With a possible penalty of seven years in prison.

Seven years?

Oh, Archie! ARCHIE: Seven years!

Seven years! Did you hear? Seven years?

For self-defendin' myself against a criminal?

Now, I have no sympathy for criminals, Mr. Bunker,

but the law is the law,

and it applies to both of you.

Yeah, yeah, but, Mrs. Judge, you got a criminal runnin' around on the loose there,

and me, I'm a law-abidin' citizen,

and I'm up the creek in a boat with a hole.

As Mr. Bunker's daughter, I've got to say something.

That woman's out of order, Your Honor.

Well, only for the next few weeks,

then she'll be back to normal again.

Please be seated.

Officer Gorsky,

I see in your file on this case,

that the assailant, one Yannis Predreski,

has been apprehended and has made a full confession.

Yes, Your Honor.

Good, lock him up in Dannemora.

We can't. He's been released.

He's been released? Why?

Because the arresting officer violated proper procedure.

He read Mr. Predreski's rights to him in English,

and Mr. Predreski doesn't understand or speak English.

Well, no bum that can't speak perfect English ought to stay in this country!

He ought to be de-exported the hell out of here!

I mean...

Listen, Mrs. Judge, some system of judisprudence we got here.

I mean, he's a foreign-born criminal

runnin' around on the loose.

And the law is comin' down on a native-born American,

and a veteran American at that,

with a butt full of shrapnel from Italy.

That's true, Judge.

That's why I ain't took my wife dancin' in 30 years.

That's right, Madam Judge,

and... and Archie has a purple heart

and a good conduct medal.

Mrs. Bunker, you're out of order.

No, she ain't pregnant. It's the daughter.

Excuse me.

Your Honor, I may be out of order,

but do you call this justice?

My husband and I have given a lot of thought

to civil liberties, human rights,

equal treatment for all.

And now you free a criminal

and deny my father, an honest, law-abiding citizen,

the right to defend himself.

Twenty two months in Italy, Judge.

Order!

Young lady,

your father's civil rights have been scrupulously guarded.

Without the protection of his civil rights,

Officer Gorsky could have broken into your home

and seized that weapon without a warrant.

Now...

Where is the warrant?

Well, uh, Your Honor, there wasn't any.

I, uh, wasn't aware that there was an illegal weapon.

I confiscated it because we wouldn't have a case without it.

I wasn't aware that the accused had used a weapon.

Officer,

did Mr. Bunker volunteer that weapon?

I got it out of a magazine.

No, Daddy, she means,

did you give the officer your tear gas squirter?

I turned it right over to him.

No, you didn't.

No, I didn't do that.

The officer walked all around our house

peeking in the drawers and in the closet

till he found it in the pocket of Archie's coat.

Without a warrant?

You don't get a warrant with them squirt guns.

They either break or they don't.

I... I did not have a search warrant, Your Honor.

Case dismissed. Huh?

Daddy! You're free! Oh, you mean us?

I'm sorry for interrupting, Your Honor.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Hey, listen.

Uh, Judge, I don't understand.

You mean to say that you're gonna turn me loose

because this cop searched my house?

Yes, because to search your house without a warrant

was in violation of your civil rights.

You ain't particularly smart, are you?

Mr. Bunker,

the law does permit criminals to go free now and then,

but that's the price we pay

to protect everyone's civil rights.

Well, Judge, you probably know your law.

All I got to say is thank you very much.

I'm certainly glad to be free.

And if ever you need anything, Judge,

like if you need a taxicab in a hurry,

you just call me up, I'll flash right over,

take you anywheres you want for nothin'.

We'll leave the flag up. Who's to know?

Me.

I didn't say nothin'.

Okay, let's go.

Hey, Mr. Bunker. Oh, yes, Judge, yes?

Take care of your wounded hand.

Oh, yeah, sure. Thank you very much.

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.