Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Archie. Yeah, Edith.

Did you kill that spider in the bathtub?

No, but he's gonna walk funny the rest of his life.

♪ Oh, Baby Face

♪ You've got the cutest little baby face

Look at that. Not a wrinkle on the guy.

♪ Nobody else can ever take your place

♪ Oh, Baby Face

♪ I'll go... ♪ Oh, no, Archie.

You ain't gonna wear your sweater to Gloria's house.

What are you talkin' about? Why not?

Well, this is Thanksgivin' dinner.

You're gonna wear your best suit.

The turkey ain't gonna know the difference, Edith.

Archie... Edith, when I get dressed, I am dressed.

Oh, no, you're gonna look...

I don't believe what's happenin' here.

What are you doin'? Edith!

This is a new high in low.

You're wearing your nice new dark blue suit.

What do you mean my dark blue suit?

I'm goin' over there to eat, not to get buried.

Oh, please.

Aw, jeez, goin' over there,

gettin' dressed up just to eat with the daughter.

Many's the time she ate with us wearin' nothin' but a diaper.

Well, it won't hurt you to get dressed up once a year.

Oh, look, you're puttin' a tie around me, too.

What do I need a tie for?

The only thing I ever see around the Meathead's neck is a napkin.

Oh, Archie,

this is the first Thanksgivin' dinner Gloria ever cooked,

and it's very important to her. I know. All right.

All right, important...

Get out of here, will you? Get yourself dressed.

Oh, yeah. Archie, I can't decide between these two dresses.

Which one do you think I should wear?

Aw, jeez, Edith. Whichever.

Maybe I should wear my yellow and red dress.

Yeah. Wear the yellow and red one, Edith.

Oh, but I ain't got no shoes to go with the yellow and red one.

I'd kill the yellow and red one, Edith.

Oh, I was hopin' you'd pick the black and white one.

All right, Edith. Goin' away, you look like the back end of a zebra,

but wear it.

Do you really like this dress?

Yes, Edith, I really like that dress.

Oh, you ain't just sayin' that to make me feel good?

No, I wouldn't say nothin' to make you feel good.

All right, I'll wear this one. Swell.

Oh, but if you really like the red and yellow one... Aw!

Oh, oh, uh, I could wear my green shoes with it,

because green goes with red and yellow, don't it?

Yeah, if you want to look like a traffic light.

Help me decide.

Don't ask me!

I don't know nothin' about colors.

That ain't no business of mine.

Oh, all right. What the hell do I look like, an inferior decorator?

I'll wear the red and yellow one.

Uh, oh... But what about my green shoes?

Go barefoot in a bathin' suit for all I care.

The whole thing is ridiculous gettin' dressed up to go over there.

Who's gonna see me crossin' the alley, a couple of cats?

Archie, it ain't easy for Gloria to cook this dinner for us in her eighth month,

and all that runnin' and shoppin' and everythin'. Oh, all right. Yeah.

And, Archie, this is her first Thanksgiving in her own home.

All right. All right. I'm gettin' dressed up for you, ain't I?

Yeah. You look so nice.

I just put the Aqua Velva on. Don't go lickin' it off.

Oh, Archie, you know what? What?

I think I'll wear my green dress,

'cause the green shoes go better with the green dress.

Too much green makes people throw up, you know.

Oh, I can't wear this. It's all wrinkled.

I got a great idea for you, Edith. What?

Put a raisin in your bellybutton and go as a cookie.

Come on.

And then you fold the clams into the sour cream.

But if you like a lot of clams,

you could fold the clams...

The sour cream into the clams.

I don't know why I'm makin' this.

My dog Buster doesn't even like clam dip.

And that's the truth.

Who is that? The father of your baby.

Hey, George.

Hey, the baby kicked.

Yeah. Gee, I... I wonder if I can hear him.

Oh, don't look, Edith.

Dad!

What the hell is he doin'?

He's listening to the baby.

What's the baby gonna tell him at this age?

When am I gonna see you doin' somethin' that gives me a lift?

Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh, hi, Ma. Happy Thanksgiving.

Now, this is some apple and this is pumpkin.

Oh, that's great. Oh, Ma.

Hey, the two of you look terrific.

Gee, you didn't have to get all dressed up, Archie.

Yes, I did. She forced me.

Why, you look handsome, Daddy.

All right. Here, for you. They come back to us tomorrow.

Grandma Bunker's silver candle stands.

Because this is a very special occasion.

Oh, thanks, Ma. I promise to take good care of 'em.

Here, honey. Everybody get out of my kitchen.

Dinner will be ready soon. Yeah, yeah, well, let's go.

Can I help you, Gloria?

No, Ma, I got it all under control.

- Oh, it smells so good. - All right.

Oh, ain't this beautiful? Okay.

Yeah, we're having buffet.

I thought we was having turkey.

Hey, Arch, why don't you try some of this clam dip?

Uh, no, no, no, I better stick to jam.

You got any of that?

Come on, Arch. Try some of the cauliflower.

Cauliflower ain't cooked.

He's a goat.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the baby got here by Christmas?

Yeah. Hey, I'd like to see him sooner.

Hey, maybe you could spring him early for good behavior, huh?

Daddy, your cigar's stinkin' up the house.

Oh, come on.

Oh, I can't wait to take her to the zoo

and put her on the pony ride.

And maybe on Sundays I could take her to church.

Uh, well, you could take him to the park, Ma.

After church?

Uh, no, no. Instead of.

Oh.

What do you mean the park?

Who is the kid gonna say prayers in the park to, a water fountain?

Why not? As far as I'm concerned

it makes as much sense than any other kind of prayers.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute there.

Just because you're an atheist, you know,

don't mean that my grandchild's got to be gypped out of his religion.

That's right. Mike, children ought to go to church when they're little,

'cause when they get older,

they're havin' too much fun to be religious.

Ma, we've decided to try not to influence our child on religion

'cause, you know, first we wanna let him make up his own mind.

Whoa, ho, ho, ho. Now, that's where you are 100% wrong-o, little girl.

The parents got to influence their kids' minds, is when they're young.

Got to teach him to learn the right things, see.

To be scared of God, to love the dear old USA,

to defend American shores in all foreign countries.

Is there anything else he should know?

Sure. There's a lot of other little things.

To use his dukes right.

To walk fast through the Puerto Rican neighborhood.

Arch, I think you're forgettin' to teach him the most important thing.

Yeah. What? To never listen to his grandfather.

Why don't you go take a high dive into the clam drip?

Now, now, little girl. Now, let me, let me... Aw. Give me that.

All right. Do-Do-Don't flush it out over here.

All right. Easy on that.

Now, h-h-how far along are you now?

Eight months. All right.

Now, how long you've been livin' over here in the toilet house?

Daddy! How long?

Six months. All right. You've proved my point, see.

The baby got started over there in our house.

That's a good God-fearin' Protestant house,

so that makes him a Christian, ipso fatso.

Suppose the kid were created in a parking lot outside of McDonald's.

What would that make him, an ipso fatso hamburger?

In a parking lot? You dirty guy, you.

Hey, as a matter of fact,

our baby was conceived in Leo and Mariam's bungalow.

Hey, they're Jewish, so according to Daddy,

we're gonna have to send him to Hebrew school.

Come on. Yeah, that's a great idea.

Lots of famous people turned Jewish. Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh, that dame would do anything to drive the world crazy.

Sammy Davis.

And he'd do anything for laughs.

You just do what I tell you, little girl.

Daddy, it is up to Michael and me,

and we've decided to let our own child make up his own mind about religion.

That's tellin' him, fat lady.

Thank you, honey. I better go baste the turkey...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Stay here.

Oh, no, Gloria. I'll baste the turkey.

Uh, thanks, Ma.

Listen. Listen. I'm warning youse two. You mend your ways,

or one of these days you're gonna be chased around by a lot of little red devils

with pitch forks who wanna baste you.

What is all this about bein' afraid of God?

I was taught in Sunday school that God loves everybody.

Oh, he does, unless you rub him the wrong way.

You do that, he sends down plagues after you,

like he done with them ancient Egyptian kings, the Ferryos.

God has got one hell of a temper.

He could hit you with an earthquake or one of them famous floods.

Yeah. That flood wiped out a lot of innocent people.

And what about all those poor animals that were drowned?

Hey, but not the fish.

The fish was havin' a picnic. They was eatin' Catholics for a change.

Just tell me one thing, just one thing, Arch?

Is that what you want for our child,

to worship a God who you depict as cruel and merciless?

I wanna tell you somethin', buddy,

that you better keep a civilian tongue in your head

because the Lord can hear and he knows what's goin' on every place, every time.

Youse two got to show some respect for Him. Get away from me.

Oh, wait, wait. All right, all right.

Assuming there is a God, which I am not.

Assuming there is.

You say He is everywhere? Yes.

And He knows everything? Yes.

Well, then, he would know what was in my heart.

He knows you don't believe in Him.

No, but if I did believe in Him, Archie,

I'd believe in Him because... because He's a... a loving and forgiving God.

He won't forgive you for bein' an atheist, buddy.

He would forgive me anything.

He wouldn't forgive you for showin' him disrespect.

- Sure, he would. - To you.

He... He'd even forgive me for doin' that.

What, for goin'... To me?

No, for going... To Him.

Wow!

Wow!

You better find a tailor who can measure you for a lightin' rod, buddy.

You know what he just said here.

He said it, Lord, not me. Did you hear this?

You better watch your step. God forgive you.

- Hey, Edith, come out here. Edith. - Turkey's almost ready.

I've never seen a man so low and depaved

that he would go... To the Lord.

Arch, it doesn't make any difference.

If I believed in God, I wouldn't go... To God.

You've done it again. But I don't believe in Him so I went... To nobody.

You've done it again. I'm gettin' the hell out of here.

Oh, Archie, you're missing the point.

Daddy! Oh, no. Come on, Edith, we're goin' home.

We ain't had dinner yet.

I ain't gonna have dinner. I'm scared to eat in this house.

You know what that Meathead just done?

He give the Bronx cheer to the Lord, so help me.

And he's gonna bring up our grandson to do the same thing.

Oh, Archie. Come on, Edith. Come with me, and don't look back.

You'll be turned into a pillow of salt.

We'll be back.

Yeah. Yes, Ma.

Sure. That sounds fair enough.

Yeah. Would you please put Daddy on the phone? Okay.

Michael, Daddy admits he was wrong for running out of here

and he'll come back over here,

if you'll apologize for giving God the raspberry.

Gloria, I didn't give God the raspberry. You saw what I did.

Michael, please apologize.

Gloria, Gloria, please don't start that.

You know I can't handle tears.

I'm pregnant and I get upset easily,

and you know how hard I worked on that dinner.

Why should I apologize to Archie when he's wrong?

Gloria, what kind of man would I be

if I let your father tell us how to raise our children?

Who would... Who would... Who would honor a man like that?

I wouldn't, you wouldn't, our child wouldn't.

Arch, I apologize. You happy?

Yeah, thank you. See you in a minute, Daddy. Bye.

Thank you very much, Gloria.

It's Thanksgiving and you made me eat crow.

Michael, honey. Please.

Try to get along with Daddy.

How can I, Gloria?

The man's mind is a one-way street leading to a dead-end.

Just avoid arguments.

Michael, you're very bright.

You know the three subjects you should never discuss with him.

Religion, politics or anything else.

All right, all right. I'll try to do my best but I'm not promising anything.

Honey, I never told you about this wonderful

trick that Ma worked out with Daddy.

Now, when they go out, and he's losin' his temper,

she just warns him by givin' him a lovely, little playful tug on his ear like that.

It's a wonder he doesn't look like Dumbo.

Sweetheart, it works.

So if I see that you're gonna lose control tonight,

I'll just tug on your ear

and that'll mean, "I love you, sweetheart, but shut up."

Here, they are. Okay, I'll get it.

Why do I get the feeling I'm gonna lose an ear tonight?

Irene. How!

Indians spend Thanksgiving with pilgrims, bring firewater.

Oh, you look terrific. - Irene.

Honey, look what she brought us.

Yeah, that's nice. Now we don't have to drink the cheap stuff I bought.

Hey, the place is really shaping up,

and so are you, little mother.

Ma. Hi, Ma.

Hi, Daddy, give me that. Aw, jeez.

Oh, Irene, you look beautiful. You like this?

Archie, don't she look nice?

Yeah, when is she gonna read the tea leaves?

Was that a compliment?

Sure, it's Thanksgivin'.

Arch, Irene brought us some nice wine.

Yeah, I see that.

But to this house, I could've wished you'd have brung some Christian Brothers.

Archie.

No, no, no, no, religious offensing thing.

Ta-da.

Oh. Oh, hey.

Everybody serve yourself. - Let's go.

Oh, boy, that looks sensational.

I'm gonna have a leg. Anybody else want a leg?

No legs for me. You can never tell where a bird's been walking.

I'm starved. Honey, don't forget the sweet candied yams.

Give me some of them yams.

Yeah, Daddy, I got mashed potatoes there for you.

You're in my way there. I'm trying to get the yams.

Honey, make sure you get some dressing. Yeah, give me some dressing.

Oh, it's beautiful. Daddy, I've made your favorite baby peas with onions.

I'm staying there. Have you got any cranberry sauce, little girl?

Oh, yeah, Daddy. Look, I made it myself.

Oh, ain't you got none of the real kind that slides out of the can?

Try it.

I'll have it later with my ice cream.

There we go. Give me some more of this turkey here.

Oh, look at this. He's a human derrick, here.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Uh... Very funny, Arch, human derrick.

He's a liar.

Hey, don't forget, everybody, we got wine here.

Here, let me pour the wine, Irene.

All right, where do we go now?

Hey, Irene, why don't you sit over here?

Come over here.

Nice. Hey, here.

Arch, uh, that's my place over there.

Well, take the plate over there. What's the difference?

Hey, Irene, I always wanted to ask you.

How long do youse Catholics got to count your beads

to find out how many youse got?

The beads help us pray, Archie.

Yeah. What do you pray about?

Bigots.

Is that a little shot?

Sure, it's Thanksgiving.

Gloria, let me help you down.

Thank you. One, two, three. Ready. One.

There we go.

All right, everybody, let's eat.

Yeah. Hey. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold...

Hey, hey, hey, hold it here.

You ain't gonna eat nothin' here without sayin' the grace first.

Grace? Wait just a...

Wait for what, there... What are you doin'?

There ain't nothin' wrong with sayin' grace there.

It ain't particularly religious. Even an atheist can say grace.

It's just thankin', uh, Mother Nature whose first name happens to be Grace.

Grace Nature?

You got it there, buddy.

Archie, maybe we can skip grace, tonight, huh?

Yeah, we've been skippin' it all year.

You never say it at home.

All right, all right, all right, then. The hell with grace.

Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute now.

All right, even so,

gonna have a little quotation from the Bible here.

Oh, God. Oh, Daddy, dinner's gonna get cold.

Don't worry, little girl. The Lord will keep it hot for you.

Now, this is from my New Testament.

You hear that? New. That means that everything in here is good today.

Cut that out, will you?

It's my lucky Bible here in the World War. WW II.

You see, that dent there in the cover,

that's where it was hit by a hunk of crowd shrapnel.

I wouldn't be sittin' here today if I hadn't

been wearin' that Bible in my back pocket.

And that tells us where your religion is.

Ow!

He saw me up there. Now,

this little quotation fits certain people sittin' at this table here tonight.

Romans 14, two dots 23.

"And he that doubteth is damned if he eat."

Wow! And the text for this evening's service is

let's all pray that our host Mike Stivic goes to hell.

You said that better than the Bible.

Do you know that hurts me?

How do you like that, if I do that to you a little bit?

Now here's the other quotation.

Oh, Daddy, come on.

This is Thanksgiving dinner, not a revival meeting.

What have you been told, little girl?

My grandchild is layin' over there inside you

with his little ears pressed to the walls there.

And he is going to hear the word of God on Thanksgivin'

whether that Meathead likes it or not.

Well, I don't like it. No, no, no, no.

You can pull my ear till it falls off. That's it, I've had it.

Now, this is my house, it's gonna be my child,

and no one is gonna force his religious beliefs on this family.

Oh, sit down in your chair and shut up.

Yeah, and that's another thing.

I've been waitin' five years to tell you this.

Get out of my chair.

I'll not only get out of your chair, I'll get out of your house.

Good! Goodbye.

Yeah, Mike, so long.

Daddy! ARCHIE: I don't have to stay here.

Daddy, please.

For us. Stay. Come on.

Please, sit down.

Well, where am I supposed to sit now?

Well, you can sit next to me, your little sweetheart.

Now. There, see?

I never sat at this end of the table my whole life.

Your knife, dear.

Stupidest thing I've ever seen.

A grown man hoggin' one chair for himself.

It's just we don't want you forcin' religion on us tonight.

Listen, nobody's forcin' religion on you.

We're all just calmly tryin' to talk a little sense into this guy here.

Wait. Wait a second, wait a second. We? Who... Who's we?

All of us four God-fearers here exceptin' you.

We don't agree that the child should be brought up with no religion.

Well, why don't we just take a little vote on that?

I say that a parent has the right to raise his child any way he pleases.

And if we wanna raise our child to believe whatever he wants to believe,

that's our business.

Now, who's with me on that?

Nobody's with you. Everybody's ashamed of you.

Who's with me on that? Let me see some hands.

Do I see a hand goin' up there?

I can't believe what I'm seein'.

Okay. Do whatever youse want.

You wanna raise him an atheist, go ahead.

Raise him a Luferan if you want.

Raise him a Norman with seven wives.

A Holy Roller, a Seventh-Day Adventurer.

Anything you want.

I don't give a damn 'cause I'm gettin' the hell out of here.

Daddy! And I'm goin' out that way.

I wouldn't be seen leavin' the front door of this den of inquisitry.

Oh, Archie. No, no, Edith, it's too late.

Too late. Oh, Archie, Archie.

I don't care. No, Edith. Archie, please don't leave.

Archie, the baby's gonna be all right

'cause he's gonna grow up with a lot of love.

Oh, and no religion, huh?

We don't know that.

Mike just said they was gonna let him make up his own mind.

And whatever he decides,

he's still gonna be one of God's children.

Archie, it ain't in our hands.

Come here. Come here.

Yeah, come to think of it,

why spoil our little girl's Thanksgiving dinner,

not to mention my own, over this?

Oh. Yeah.

'Cause we'll be takin' our little grandson

to the parks every Sunday, put him on the swing.

That'll be nice. Yeah.

Only, he ain't goin' on no swing.

No? Where will he go?

He will go to church.

Oh, no.

That would be cheatin' on Mike and Gloria.

I don't care.

We're gonna raise that grandson of ours a Christian

if we gotta break every Commandment to do it!

Okay, okay.

Youse can go back to enjoyin' your dinner now because here I am again.

What's the matter with you, Meathead? Go ahead and eat.

There, take your fork and eat. Don't worry about me.

You win, buddy, you win.

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.