Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Hey, Edith.

Edith!

Oh!

Shh! What?

Is the coast clear? Yeah, yeah.

Nobody in the kitchen there? No.

No. Did you get it? I got it.

Okay?

Here we are, sweetie. Pushchair. Oh!

Oh, my... Look here, huh.

Oh! Oh, they're gonna be so surprised.

Did you push this all the way from the store?

No, I jumped in and drove it home.

Oh, they're gonna love it.

This is the carriage they wanted only it was too expensive for 'em.

You're telling me. I laid out over $100 on this thing.

That's a hell of a lot of money to spend on a kid you don't even know yet.

But it's got all the latest features here. Wait till I show you.

Startin' here.

There's a sun visor, see? For the sun.

Okay. Over here.

See, this whole thing it collapses right... Ow, jeez!

Get away! Get away from it, let me show you.

Now, the hood. It closes over here

when the sun is coming from that direction.

Oh, yeah!

Okay, down in there you got a mattress

that's waterproof because babies ain't.

Over there you got a pocket for the milk bottle

when she's wheelin' him through the park.

Oh, Gloria won't need that for a while, she's gonna breastfeed.

In the park?

With all the creeps staring at her dairies?

Yeah. Look at this.

That's a net against bugs.

Oh, yeah!

'Cause we want a baby buggy, not a buggy baby.

Ma, are you there?

It's Gloria.

We gotta hide the carriage.

Ma, the door's locked.

Yeah, I know. I'll be there in a minute.

Where, where, where, where? Oh, the closet.

No, no. The moths ain't even got room in that closet.

Come on. In the kitchen.

Oh, no, no, no. She'll go in the kitchen.

Yeah, with the Meathead with her, she sure will.

Where? Come on, where?

The cellar. All right, the cellar. The cellar.

Gee, the kid isn't even here yet

and already he's givin' me a nervous breakdown.

The cellar door. The door.

The door, the door, the door.

Be careful! Here.

Coming, Gloria!

There. Hi.

Ma, what took you so long to unlock the door?

Uh, I was puttin' somethin' away.

How do you feel?

Like it should say, "Goodyear" right across here.

But you look beautiful.

How's Mike?

Who wants to talk about him?

Oh.

Gloria, come on in the kitchen and have a cup of coffee.

Yeah, you sit right down there

and tell me what's wrong.

I'm fat and ugly.

Oh, Gloria.

You ain't ugly.

Yeah, but I'm fat.

Fat, fat, fat.

Oh, that's just baby fat.

Oh!

Ma, Michael was finally gonna take me to see Gone with the Wind tonight,

but now he's gotta stay home and tutor Linda Galloway.

Oh, but she has her lessons on Mondays.

And this is Friday.

Well, she suddenly decided that she needs two lessons a week.

Oh, my.

Oh, I guess she's only half as smart as she thought she was.

She doesn't have to be smart.

She might have a C minus brain but she's got an A plus body.

Oh, Gloria, you don't have to worry.

You've got an A plus body, too.

Remember?

Yeah, it's under here, somewhere.

Hey, Gloria, where are you?

I'm in here, honey.

Maybe Linda canceled her lesson.

Hi, Ma. Oh, hi.

Mike, you look nice. Thanks, Ma.

You smell good, too. Thanks.

Gotta run. I'll be home around 10:00, okay?

Where are you goin'?

I'm going over to Linda's place.

Why isn't she comin' to our place like she always does?

Oh, she called me. She says she doesn't

like goin' out on the streets late at night.

You understand.

Oh, honey. Hey! Tell you what.

I'll take you out tomorrow night, okay?

I love you. You're so fat!

Bye, Mike.

I'm beginnin' to wonder if Linda is takin' lessons or givin' 'em.

What kind of lessons could she give him?

Oh.

Oh, Gloria.

Mike loves you.

All he's doin' is earnin' a little extra money.

Oh, excuse me. There's someone at the door.

Coming!

Get me the hell out of here!

Oh, that's Glo... That's Archie!

Oh, Archie, you must have locked yourself in.

You must have locked yourself in.

With all kinds of help from you.

Oh, well, what was you doin' in the cellar?

I was refereein' a cockroach fight.

What the hell do you think I was doin' down there?

Oh, never mind that. I see her here. All right, all right.

How, you doin', little girl?

What's the matter with you now?

Well, Mike had to go over to Linda Galloway's house.

Linda Galloway? Mmm-hmm.

Oh, oh, yeah. The little blonde.

What did he have to go over there for?

To give her her lesson.

Lesson in what, I'd like to know.

Oh.

Oh-ho-ho and whoop-dee-doo.

I smell somethin' stinko in the city of Denmark.

What, what, what?

Oh, uh... Oh, uh, listen, Gloria.

Hey, cheer up, little girl. Listen, don't worry about nothin' like that.

I mean, after all,

the Meathead has his faults, God knows.

But one thing he is, he ain't a girl chaser.

There, you see? Your father's right.

Why don't you get ready for the movie.

I'll go with you.

I'd love to see Gone With The Wind again.

Yeah? Aw, jeez, I hate that picture.

Hurry up.

Okay, Ma. I'll be ready in 10 minutes.

Well, now, listen, little girl.

Remember what I told you in here.

You don't have to worry about your husband

'cause as far as he's concerned,

you're the only girl in the world for him.

Bye. Yeah, now remember that, huh?

That prevert's messin' around.

Oh, no!

Oh, yes!

No. No. all Mike's doin' is tutoring Linda.

Yeah, he sure is tootin' her.

Oh, no, Archie.

Well, you got no proof.

Oh, I know that. But I'm gonna get proof tonight

when you're away at the movie.

I'm gonna have him over here and I'm gonna pour wine into that guy

'cause wine hits him like a ton of bricks.

And that will get the truth out of him.

In vino veritas, as the ancient Jews was always saying.

Archie, no.

No, I can't believe

that Mike would do nothin' wrong.

You don't understand nothin'. Gloria's in her seventh month.

That means, for him, the playground is closed.

And he's gotta look for some other place to swing.

Can't you graps that notion?

Yeah, coming.

Hi.

You didn't let me finish.

Terrific.

Handsome, intelligent, and you've got, uh, rhythm, too.

If you're buckin' for an A, that's the way to get it.

Uh, well...

Well, come... come on in. Yeah, hi.

Now, have a seat and be comfortable.

Yeah. Thank you.

It's a very nice place you got here.

Thank you.

Uh, tonight we're gonna concentrate on, uh, interpreting statistics.

Oh, I... I love your artwork.

A very nice Picasso,

and the Chagall is beautiful.

Did you see this one? It's my favorite.

Oh, yeah. I just love it. It's a Lautrec.

Nice. It has lovely, lovely contour

and just beautiful shape.

Yes, it's not a bad shape there...

Uh, what do you say we get to work, huh? Okay.

Oh... Excuse... Excuse me. We were both goin' in the same direction

and, uh, we bumped...

Would you, uh, would you like to take off your jacket.

Would you be more comfortable?

Yeah, yeah, that would be nice.

Here, you can take the jacket.

Oh, you're wearing that sweater I like.

Oh, did you... You like this?

Yeah, don't you remember? I told you once after class.

No, uh, I... I don't... I don't remember.

Yeah, I said that you really look nice.

You said, "Macho."

Oh, did I? Yeah.

Well, you do. You look very macho.

And very nice.

Let's get down to work, huh?

Okay, now, tonight, uh, like I said,

we're going to be interpreting statistics and, uh...

Was I sitting over here before?

Uh, no. You were sitting over there,

but if you wanna sit over here, it's fine.

No, no, I'll... I'll sit over here. It's...

It's better. It's closer to the book.

It's better to be closer to the book.

Uh, now, the important thing about statistics is that

they are not as difficult as they seem.

If you just take it one step at a time, you'll do fine.

It's... It smells very nice.

Very nice... W-What... What kind of perfume are you wearing?

I'm not wearing any perfume.

It smells awfully good.

Oh, it's me.

It's my cologne. I thought it was you.

Hey, but, uh, you smell...

Uh, probably good, too.

All right, uh, now, uh...

W-What was I saying?

You were talking about statistics.

Right, right, right.

What was I sayin' about statistics?

Are you having trouble concentrating?

Huh?

Is there something on your mind?

Uh, what do you mean?

What would... What's on my mind?

Well, tonight... Actually, for the past few weeks,

you haven't been able to finish a sentence.

Well, the reason for that... I mean, that's because... I mean, what do you mean?

And, uh, you're acting, uh,

terribly charming and making jokes.

And, uh, you smell awfully good.

And you seem to be coming on to me.

Like you're trying to turn me on, and if you are,

I just wanna let you know that it's all right.

You think that I'm trying to turn you on?

Linda, is that what you... That's ridiculous.

I mean, why would I wanna turn... I mean,

I'm a married man. I got a baby on the way.

I mean, why would you wanna think that I would turn you... Did I?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, I... I... I wasn't trying to, really. Believe me, Linda.

Where are you goin'? Where are you goin'?

Uh, Linda, uh...

I, uh... I, uh, have a baby at home

and a wife on the way.

You know, the interesting thing about statistics

is that very often...

Statistically, three out of every five people who... Oh, my God.

Okay, okay. Here I am.

I'm openin' the door for you now.

I, uh, got your note you left on our refrigerator door.

I figured you'd find it there.

Come on in.

What do you want?

Well, you know, I thought to myself,

well, the girls are out seeing Gone With The Wind,

and they're gonna be away, you know, for a little while,

so, uh, I thought maybe you might be lonesome over there

for some intelligent conversation.

With whom?

Can't you be nice?

Arch, it's a long movie.

Yeah, I know, well, there's a lot of Coloreds in it and they talk slow.

So much for intelligent conversation.

No, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I didn't mean nothin' by that.

Come on, come on. Take it easy, huh.

Sit down. Sit down over here.

Take a load off your feet. Listen.

You know, you're gonna be a father in a couple of months here.

So, it suddenly hit me,

I'm gonna be a grandfather at the same time.

That's the way it works, Arch.

Yeah, life is funny, huh?

Yeah. So, I thought, what better time

to have a little toast

with you and me. Right, Michael?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Michael?

Yeah. That's your name, ain't it?

Oh, I know what you're thinkin'. Listen.

The Meathead days are over.

Eh? Here into for,

I'm gonna call you Michael.

And you know what you're gonna call me? What?

Daddy.

Well, at least dad, eh?

You want me to call you dad?

Yeah, well, you call your mother-in-law, Ma.

Huh, that's all right.

Hey, Arch. Dad, Dad, will you take it easy there?

Yeah. Wine always hits me like a ton of bricks.

I never knew that.

Now, our first toast is gonna be to your son

and my grandson, and may he only be a boy.

Down the hatch.

Oh, that's better.

♪ Bless 'em all, bless 'em all

♪ The long and the short and the tall ♪

You know, I can't believe it, Dad.

You know, I don't feel a thing.

We drank practically almost two bottles.

I don't feel a thing.

Hey, I just made room for some more.

Good.

Now, come on.

We're gonna have a toast, so get on your feet.

What are we toasting? Get on your feet.

What are we toasting? I wanna make a toast

to the greatest country on the face of the Earth.

Poland.

You really like Poland, huh, Dad?

You know, if it wasn't for Poland,

the war wouldn't have one of the things they got.

Which is what? Polacks.

Say, "Polish people," Dad.

"Polish people, Dad."

Hey. All right.

Now, hold it. Ooh!

I'm gonna now toast

the President of the United States and the great man he is.

Richard M. Ford.

And his beautiful wife, I don't give a damn what she says,

Lady Bird.

No. Hey, wait a minute, Dad.

Mrs. Ford isn't a Lady Bird, she's a thunderbird.

Funny? No, no. That ain't right, though.

No, you're awful loaded. You know that?

Yeah, you better sit down. Give me a hand. Here you go.

All right.

Now, I wanna make another toast to you, buddy.

To me? Yes, siree.

To the finest son-in-law that ever married his way to a dinner table.

We all love you.

And we respect you.

And we trust you.

Hey, Dad.

Could I tell you about somethin' that happened tonight?

What time tonight?

When I was tutorin' Linda.

Oh.

Linda.

Yeah.

You really went for that little doll, didn't you?

Yeah, she's nice.

Yeah, I know.

And you went over to her apartment tonight.

And the two of you, Linda and you,

youse was intricate together.

Come on, now. You can tell your old Dad.

Well, she was awfully attractive.

And, uh, she did encourage me.

You know, I didn't... I didn't realize it,

but I guess I was asking for it.

But when the chips were down,

I thought to myself, "What am I, crazy?"

I mean,

I got a wife that I love,

and a baby on the way.

W-What am I gonna do? Am I... Am I gonna throw all that away?

So before anything happened,

I jumped up

and I got the hell out of there.

Dad!

Da... Dad.

Dad.

Look at that.

Poor daddy went sleepy by.

Yeah. Well.

Good night, Daddy.

Good night.

Good night.

♪ Oh, my pa-pa

♪ To me he was so wonderful

♪ Oh, my pa-pa ♪

It's okay, Ma. I'll look for work tomorrow.

Aw, jeez.

There you are, Archie.

Get that stuff away from me. It binds me up for days.

Archie, why did you have to drink so much?

You know wine does that to you.

Don't yell, please.

And what was you doin' sleepin' in the hall closet?

I thought I was an overcoat.

Leave me alone, will you? I got a headache on this side.

Do you wanna give me another one over here?

You should be thinkin' of how we're gonna explain to our little girl

that... that her husband was infidelicate with another woman.

I don't believe it.

I think you were so drunk you didn't hear Mike right.

Oh, I told you what I heard.

That last thing he said was that she encouraged him on.

And he went for her.

And then for some reason Eddie Fisher was singin' Oh, My Pa-Pa.

Oh, Ma.

Gloria, what's the matter?

When I got home last night from the movie,

I found Michael in the shower, singing.

Don't yell, please!

Well, Mike always sings in the shower.

Not with his clothes on.

And he was drunk.

Oh, I know that, Gloria.

He was with your father.

They got drunk together while we was at the movies.

Didn't Mike tell you?

I wanted to talk to him this morning,

but he ran out before breakfast,

and I don't even know where he is.

Jeez, that guy in heat makin' house calls on the neighbors

or something like that.

Oh, Archie. Archie, that ain't true.

Don't you believe that, Gloria.

Hey, Gloria, I got a big surprise for you.

Don't yell, please.

I don't want a surprise, Michael.

I wanna talk to you.

Honey, what's the matter? Michael?

You say that you've been tutoring Linda Galloway.

And I wanna believe you.

But you told me that she's paying you for those lessons,

and I've never seen any of that money.

And we haven't made a bank deposit in weeks.

Honey, honey.

That's what I've been doing with the money.

I'm saving it for the big surprise I'm about to show you.

Hold on a second, I got it.

Here it is, honey.

Michael. Isn't that nice?

Oh, honey, it's beautiful.

It's the one we wanted to buy.

Look, Archie.

Why did you have to bring that up from the cellar...

Michael. Well, yeah.

I love you!

Oh, let's take it home

and put it up in the baby's room now. Okay.

Oh, Ma!

Bye, Daddy!

What happened to you now?

The headache went into my eye.

Bye, Arch! There goes the other eye.

Aw, jeez, it's in the collarbone.

Archie, what are we gonna do with the carriage we bought?

I don't know. You better hope they have twins.

Maybe we could take it back to the store and exchange it for a bassinet.

Don't be ridiculous, Edith.

The kid can't learn to play one of them things till he's 13.

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.