Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Hey, Ma, are you home?

Yeah, Mike. Hi.

I got a problem.

I did the laundry today. I must have done something wrong.

Look at this.

Oh, that's Gloria's bra.

Yeah, I had a hunch it was, Ma.

But, uh, look, it's all stained.

Oh, well, what did you put it in with?

Well, just some socks, towels, my new blue shorts...

Oh, you should never put your blue shorts in with Gloria's bra.

But that's all right, Ma. We're married.

Oh, Mike.

What I mean is, you should never mix coloreds and whites.

Yeah, Archie's been telling me that for years.

Well, what should I do with this? Well...

I'll see what I can do. Oh, thanks, Ma.

Oh, Mike, did you pick out a name for the baby, yet?

Yeah, well, we were thinking if we had a boy,

we might call him Stanislaus.

T-That was my father's name. It's Polish for Stanley.

Oh, I like the name Stanley.

That was my cousin Claude's name.

Stanley was your cousin Claude's name?

Yeah. Claude Stanley.

Oh, then Stanley was his last name.

Except in the phone book. There it was

Stanley, Claude.

Well, it's been a rotten day, folks.

Oh, Archie!

You're home!

Jeez, you got wonderful eyesight.

It's Friday afternoon and it's only 1:30.

Whoop-dee-doo, she can read the calendar and tell the time, too.

What the hell is this?

That's Gloria's bra.

I know what it is, but what is it doin' here, huh?

There's some things that should never be seen in public,

and this here is two of them.

Mike was doin' the laundry,

and his blue shorts run all over Gloria's bra.

Aw, jeez, leave it to this prevert

to turn doing laundry into a sex orgy.

Get that slingshot out of here.

Okay, I'll take it.

Get away from me. What is this?

That's my laundry. Oh, jeez.

When his butt ain't in my chair, his laundry is.

Get it out of here. Sorry, Arch.

What are you doin' home so early?

Oh, jeez, something happened at work today that got me all unsprung.

I had to leave.

I got that Black Elmo to take over for me,

you know, in the loadin' dock, and I ducked out.

Archie! What happened?

Sanders, the hatchet man down at work,

he ordered physical checkups next Monday, see,

for two of us, the two guys over 50,

of which I am one.

Well, who's the other man?

Oh, a guy around my own age. Old Man Dirksmeyer.

And the word is out that the guy that's got

the lessest amount of good health gets the heave-ho.

Arch, if he's a guy around your age,

how come he's Old Man Dirksmeyer

and you're not Old Man Bunker?

Because he acts like an old man, that's why.

He walks around with his pants baggin' in the behind,

his shoelaces are untied,

and half the time he's unzipped to the world.

I think you're puttin' down Dirksmeyer

'cause you're afraid that he's in better health than you.

Get out of here! I'm in perfect health.

Every part on me is as good as any part of you when I was your age.

Tell him, Edith.

What's takin' you so long? Talk, will you?

Well, I'm goin' all over you.

Oh, well, never mind!

Get off of me, that's all.

Listen, what I want to ask you, is this.

Could I refuse to take that medical test?

Arch, in the state of New York,

if you refuse to take a company physical,

they could legally fire you.

You see how them bums hide behind the law?

They just want to get rid of us old guys over 50,

that's all, and put us out to pasture.

But I ain't ready to be pasteurized.

Certainly not to make room for all these young college punks

who can't find the jobs they was educated for.

Hey, hey, don't blame the college kids.

Put the blame for unemployment where it belongs,

right at the White House door.

Well, don't blame President Ford, will you?

The man's doin' a hell of a job for a guy nobody voted for.

Hi, Ma. Hi, Dad. Hi, Rick. Hi, Dave.

Hi, honey. How you doing? Hi, honey.

Hey, what'd the doctor say?

Oh, he said everything is right on schedule.

The fetus is in the proper position in the womb...

Oh, jeez, watch your language, will you?

Can't you just say that... that what-you-may-call-it there

is A-Okay?

The what-you-may-call-it there is A-Okay, Daddy. Oh, great.

Gee, what are you doing home from work so early?

Ah, I gotta take a damn company physical.

Here?

Oh. Oh, no. No, at the plant on Monday.

And your father's worried about losin' his job.

Well, what are you worried for?

Doesn't the union protect your job?

It didn't protect Leo Silverforce from Sunnyside.

Get away from me. They wanted to fire him.

They just let him go. They just made up some excuse there.

They said he had neurosis in his liver.

That's cirrhosis.

Whatever! It was still a phony excuse.

They didn't have the decency to tell him the real reason

which was that he was a lush.

Arch, the man didn't have a leg to stand on.

He couldn't even stand on two.

But I ain't gonna stop there.

We're gonna take this thing right up to the top.

W-W-Wait a minute, wait a minute. What do you mean "we"?

"We... We," I mean you and me.

We're gonna sit down, we're gonna write a letter to George Meany,

the head of the UFO-CIA.

What? Certainly, there's the man in the country

that's most worried about the unemployment.

Oh, poor Mr. Meany. Did he lose his job?

No. Did you lose your marbles?

Arch, the only way that George Meany is going to stop unemployment

is if he gets his pal Gerald Ford to start another war.

Well, that always worked in the past.

What are you saying? You're in favor of a major war?

We don't have to take on anybody real tough.

You know, we could hit Mexico again.

We could pounce on 'em in the middle of the day

when they're all snoozin' under them big dopey hats.

You know, you ought to be a military strategist?

Well, you ought to be backin' out of a stable

'cause you're a horse's patootie.

Archie, just to make sure you're all right,

why don't you go see a doctor this afternoon?

That way, if there ain't nothin' wrong with you,

you won't have nothin' to worry about.

And if there is somethin' wrong with you,

the doctor can fix it by Monday morning.

That's a good idea. Yeah, that makes sense.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't I go to a doctor this afternoon?

And if he don't find nothin' wrong with me,

then I ain't got nothin' to worry about.

And if he finds somethin' wrong with me,

then maybe he can fix it by Monday morning.

Oh, that's a better idea.

That makes a lot more sense.

Of course it makes sense.

Can't you folly that?

This way, Mr. Bunker.

Okay. How am I doin' there, nursey, huh?

The doctor's checking out your tests right now.

He'll be with you in a moment. So, what do I do then?

Why don't you sit down? Oh, all right. I'll sit down, there.

Mrs. Bunker, you can come in now. Oh, thank you.

Where have you been? What did Dr. Shapiro say?

Dr. Shapiro, he ain't here.

Shapiro's on a two-week vacation.

He's visitin' the land of his people, Miami.

Well, then, who took care of you?

Jeez, his assistant.

Some young kid, looked to be about 12 years of age there.

Gee whiz, right out of doctor school, I suppose.

I half expected him to take my pulse with a Mickey Mouse watch.

Well, new doctors is the best kind.

They ain't had time to forget what they learned in school.

Okay, let's see what we have here. Oh, hello.

How'd I do on the test there, junior?

Oh, don't worry. You did neato guido!

Is he talking Latin?

Let's see. Your blood count's normal,

heart and lungs are fine.

Uh, well, how... how about what I'd done for you in the bottle there?

You know, the eulogy test.

Your urine is fine, too.

Oh, thank God for fine urine.

Only one thing concerns me. Huh?

Your blood pressure is 170/98. Oh, jeez.

That's just a little high. Let me ask you, Mr. Bunker,

are you the excitable type? Do you get upset easily?

Oh, no, I don't do that. No, no, ask her.

Well, only when something upsets him.

What kind of an answer is that?

You do get upset, Archie, we gotta tell him.

I get upset when them young guys down at work

start harassing me about my age, that's all.

Now, junior here asked me a question,

I don't need the help of a talking dingbat to give him an answer!

Stifle yourself!

You just answered my question, Mr. Bunker.

You obviously suffer from hypertension,

so I'm going to give you this prescription for your nerves.

Oh, yeah, all right.

Now, I want you to go home and relax this weekend. Just stay calm.

That's it? That's all I gotta do?

That's it. Stay calm, huh?

That's a cinch. Thanks very much, Doc. Let's get out of here.

Thank you, Doctor. I'll open the door for you there, dear.

That's all right, I've got it.

I said I'd open the door. Let me open it!

It's open. Get away from there, will you?

What's the matter with you? You think I'm too feeble

to open the door for myself?

Good beginning, Mr. Bunker. Have a nice, calm weekend.

Thank you very much, Doctor. There. There.

Come on, dear. After you, after you.

Thank you, Doctor. After you, dear.

You had to open your mouth in there!

♪ Don't eat meat, ooh-ooh

♪ Cut out sweets, ooh-ooh

♪ You'll get a pain and ruin your tum-tum

♪ Stay away from bootleg hooch

♪ When you're on a spree

♪ Take good care of yourself

♪ You belong to me ♪

Ma, it sounds like the doctor gave Daddy a good report.

Oh, yeah, everything's fine,

except his blood pressure's a little high.

So we gotta help keep him calm and relaxed all weekend.

Well, I can do it, but I'm not leavin' town just for that.

All right, now, I want calm in this loony bin.

Hey, Arch. How you doing? Hi, Daddy. Here, let me take your hat.

What's goin' on? Let me get your coat.

There you go, Arch. Take it easy.

All right, all right.

Did you get your relaxing pills? Yeah, I got 'em.

Five bucks for 20 little sugar bullets.

Be nice and comfortable.

Mike, would you get your father-in-law his slippers?

Sure, Ma. And I'll get you a nice, cold beer.

Oh, don't bother, Ma. I've seen you do it thousands of times.

I'll get Daddy his beer.

Archie, now put your feet up.

All right, all right. Here we go.

Oh, jeez, at these prices, only the druggers can relax.

Oh, look!

We mustn't let this little piggy catch cold!

Here are your slippers, Arch.

Yeah, thank you, Meathead.

Here's your beer, Daddy!

That's my little girl.

And here's the Reader's Digest.

So you just sit right there and relax.

What do we got here?

"High blood pressure, the all-American killer."

How the hell am I gonna relax with that?

Don't be doin' nothin' for me, will you?

Just do like youse always do around here.

Please, don't change nothin'.

Little girl, go read somethin', huh?

Edith, knit somethin', will you? Oh, we'll get out of your way.

Meathead, eat somethin'.

Daddy, we'll do anything you want, as long as you relax.

'Cause we want you strong and healthy for little Stanislaus.

Uh, Gloria... Don't talk about that.

What do you mean...

Who is little Stanislaus?

Archie, don't you think you better take a relaxing pill?

Later, later, later, later. Who is little Stanislaus?

Who'd like to hear a riddle?

Nobody in the world! Who is little Stanislaus?

Uh, what has four legs and flies?

Two pairs of pants. Who is little Stanislaus?

Wrong!

It's a garbage truck!

Edith, think a minute, huh?

A garbage truck has four legs?

The driver and his helper.

Stay close to me, Lord, will you?

How about a pill?

How about who the hell is little Stanislaus?

Well, we were thinkin' if we had a boy, that might be his name.

Stanislaus?

How'd you think up a nutty name like that?

That was my father's name. And it's a good name.

If Stanislaus is a good name, how come he named you Meathead?

He named me Michael. You named me Meathead. Ah.

If you was thinkin' about naming him after a grandfather,

why didn't you pick the grandfather who happens to be a livin' American here?

Before you get all upset, Daddy,

would you like to know the other name we were considering if it's a boy?

What? Archie.

Oh, that's your name!

You don't say.

See, Daddy, we didn't forget about you.

We thought we'd use both grandfathers' names

and call him Stanislaus Archibald Stivic.

Well, how come you didn't think about it the other way around?

Archie Stanislaus Stivic.

Oh, Daddy, you wouldn't want your grandchild to have those initials.

Well, it would fit the American grandfather.

Are you callin' me an ass?

Are you callin' me... And you got the nerve in my own home

to call me an ass. For one, it's not my father's name!

All right, then, all right.

Get over there, and sit down and shut up where you belong.

Sit, Daddy, sit. Yes.

Relax. I gotta be calm here.

There you are.

All right.

Stanislaus!

What the hell kind of a middle name is "Laus"?

All one name.

What is the difference? All the kids will call him Laus.

They'll say, "Hey, Laus, where's the doggy you've been riding on?"

That's what they'll be hollerin' after him.

Arch, the kids'll call him Stanley.

They will call him Laus!

Little kids are mean and rotten.

I ought to know, I used to be one.

Why, did they make fun of your name? Yes!

Archibald is a nice name.

Archibald stinks!

And when the kids on the block found out I was called Archibald,

they brung me up to the Bronx and they left me there!

Oh, Archie. No, no more arguments! No arguments!

I wanna tell you somethin' here.

Her and me ain't gonna be diaperin' no Laus.

And Stanley's a name that stinks, too.

Stanley's a name that stinks, too, huh? Fine!

Fine, but I do not have to listen to you!

It is up to us to name our own child!

I don't have to stand here and listen to your juvenile opinions!

That's all you're gonna get out of me.

Tell him to stop opening up his mouth, for crying out loud!

Aren't you gonna stop? He insulted my father!

Now, my grandson... I don't know what...

Why don't you just go out?

Ma, it's not my fault! Look, Daddy, don't you understand?

It's not my fault he insulted my father! That was Michael's father!

You're listening to him all the time, Gloria. I have to, I'm his wife!

Out, out, out. Ma...

Go home and don't come back till after Monday.

Edith! What come over you?

I never seen you like this before.

You just threw your own pregnant daughter right out of the house.

Oh, I know.

But the doctor says

that my husband needs calm and quiet.

You done that for me, huh? Yeah.

Well, thanks, Edith.

But I gotta tell you,

the way you pushed the two of them out the door,

you put me in mind of an Irish bartender at 3:00 in the mornin'.

Why didn't you let 'em stay here at least until I could win the argument?

Oh, because I'm your wife

and I'm supposed to keep you healthy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, sit back down here...

You were terrific there, really... and relax,

and take your pill. Yeah.

And... And don't worry no more about losin' you job.

Oh, well, come on. You can't blame me

for worrying about losing my job.

Jeez, a lot of old guys are getting laid off nowadays.

I don't want to wind up on a park bench feedin' the pigeons.

Or maybe stealin' from the pigeons.

Now, put this over you. Put your feet up.

Oh, all right, Edith. Yeah.

There, now. Ain't that comfy?

Take your pill. Yeah, take a pill.

And you're gonna come out better on the test than Mr. Dirksmeyer.

You're a good wife to me, Edith.

Oh, you're a good husband.

Well, you deserve every part of me, Edith.

I still gotta beat out Dirksmeyer.

Well, then again, he's got awful feet, you know?

Could a guy die from that?

Oh, Archie, don't think about that now.

Just relax and be quiet.

You wanna go upstairs?

In the daylight, Edith?

What?

Oh!

Oh, I didn't mean that. Yeah, I know, I know.

You wanna?

Hiya, there, Doc! Top of the mornin' to you!

Hey, hey, it's a great day to be alive, huh?

Where do I sit? Here's the chair.

Where do you want the chair, Doc? Here, there, anyplace. Where?

I suggest on the floor.

On the floor. You got it, Doc.

A. Bunker here, reportin'.

Ding dong.

I am Dr. Ferguson, Stanley Ferguson.

Stanley Ferguson. Oh, I always loved that name Stanley.

Doc, I... I seen Old Man Dirksmeyer leavin' the building.

Gee, he looked kind of green around the grills, like he was gonna barf up.

I hope he gets through the front door in time.

Let's find out about you, Mr. Bunker.

Your doctor has forwarded me his findings.

The only question seems to be your, uh, blood pressure.

Oh, well, listen, Doc, I'm in great shape.

Hey, you should have seen me runnin' up them steps out there.

There are only two.

Yeah, right. I took 'em both at the same time.

Now, Doc, I'm over 50 as you can certainly see,

but I am certainly not over the hill.

Well, I hope not. I'm 71.

Get out of here.

Seventy-one. Seventy-one?

Jeez! Well, I mean, I would have said 70, but...

Doc, remember, us senior citizens, we gotta stick together

and stay in there punching, you know?

Right. I can't afford to get old.

I play a very rotten game of shuffleboard.

All right, now let's see if we can get this pressure down a bit.

Oh, yeah. I tell you, relax,

I want you to think happy thoughts.

You're out on a beautiful lake.

You're fishing. Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh, and you're living in a world

where your age doesn't count against you.

Oh, jeez. If only, Doc, if only.

Good, good.

In a world where all men live in brotherhood,

blacks and whites and... in peace,

mixing free...

Bunker, your... your... Your pressure is rising!

Oh, that don't mean nothin', Doc.

I'm just holdin' back a burp here.

It'll do it every time. All right.

I'm gonna put you down. 168/95.

Is that good? Well, it's high normal, but it'll keep you your job.

Oh, jeez, that's the main thing, Doc.

Boy, what a relief that is.

Hey, hey. This is swell of you.

Well, if nobody else is going to take care of us old-timers,

we've got to do it ourselves.

Yeah, you said it, Doc.

Listen, you're a swell guy, I wish you the best.

May you always have a steady flow of invalids.

Uh, how did Old Man Dirksmeyer check out?

Oh, well, I... I couldn't do much for Dirksmeyer.

He's got problems. Oh. Oh, that's a shame.

Yeah, well. I'll tell the guys on the loadin' dock

to get ready to throw him a nice going-away party.

Yes. Okay, Doc, thank you very much.

Say, Doc, don't forget that we tee off tomorrow morning, 6:00 a.m.

Hey. Hi, there, Mr. Sanders. Well, hello, Bunker.

How'd you make out with the Doc? Oh, swell, swell.

I've come through with flying colors there.

I ain't hardly got any blood pressure at all.

Well, congratulations.

Uh, uh, what do you think of poor Dirksmeyer?

Yeah, I just saw him leavin'.

Hey, Doc, what was the final determination on him?

Ulcers. Oh, ulcers. Ain't that too bad?

He can't be on the loadin' dock no more.

That's rough, ain't it?

Rough? What's rough about that?

He'll be eligible now for his union disability retirement,

the social security, medical insurance,

probably all tax-free.

Not to mention our new company pension plan.

Puttin' those together,

Dirksmeyer's gonna be clearin' more dough sittin' on his butt

than he ever made workin' here.

Doc, you all through with him? Yes, yes, all through.

Hey, Bunker, you better get down on the loadin' platform.

With Dirksmeyer off the job, we're gonna be shorthanded down there.

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.