Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Edith.

I'm home, Edith.

You up there in the library?

Aw, jeez, I hate an empty house.

No beer!

Fifteen minutes after 6:00 and she ain't even...

Who the hell am I calling?

Time to read some more tragedies.

Oh, Archie. Oh, my goodness.

When did you come in?

Just before this Road Runner cartoon started.

Well... Well, dinner will be a little late. I'm sorry.

I was doing my... my Sunshine Lady work at the home for the aged.

Ah, jeez, I told you to stay away from that home, Edith.

You're liable to bring back some old-time disease.

Oh, Archie, the only disease them poor people got is old age.

That's your biggest killer, Edith.

Reverend Felcher says that us Sunshine Ladies

are bringin' hope to the hopeless

and cheer to the cheerless.

What about some beer for the beerless?

Oh, Archie! You know what happened today?

Mr. Belfield tied his shoelaces.

Big deal. So did I.

But Mr. Belfield is 88 years old

and he ain't tied his shoelaces for seven years.

But today he did it for me.

Oh, my. All the other patients started applauding.

I bet they'd bring down the house if he ever combed his hair.

He don't have none.

But Mr. Belfield got so excited

he knocked the glass off the table that had his teeth in it.

And when he stooped to pick it up, his glasses come off,

and I said, "Mr. Belfield, I'll pick up your teeth."

But he couldn't hear me 'cause his hearing aid

was in the stem of his glasses,

which was under the bed.

So he got down on his hands and knees himself.

Oh, and the poor thing,

he could straighten himself up on account of his arthritis,

so it took me and three other Sunshine Ladies to lift him into his bed

and flatten him out.

You nearly killed a man forcing him to tie his shoes.

Oh, no, he was grateful.

And he said he was gonna tie 'em again tomorrow,

if they don't put him back on slippers.

Maybe they ought to put him on roller skates, speed him up.

Oh, Archie, some of them people are so lonely.

They ain't got nobody.

Their families just wanna forget they're alive.

Well, I think I know a certain wife

that wants to forget her husband is alive.

You didn't even ask me how was my day.

Oh, how was your day?

Whoa! Finally she gets around to it.

Well, it wasn't a bad day.

In fact, we had a million laughs.

You know, Stretch Cunningham, he comes in this morning, this is what he does.

He goes into the can and he tapes the roll of towels, see,

in such a way that the roll spins around but no towels come off.

Now... Oh, Archie!

Guess who went through the shower today without her walker?

Mrs. Freidman.

And all because I was giving her a pep talk all week about getting confidence.

I said, "Mrs. Freidman,

"you can go to the shower all by yourself if you really want to."

And guess what? She did.

Whoop-dee-doo!

Edith, I'm trying to tell you about my day, here.

Oh, I thought you was finished.

No, I wasn't finished. I didn't even come to the funny part,

which is when Black Elmo goes in there

and he starts spinnin' around the towel roller

but the towels don't come off, see.

Maybe they forgot to take the wrapper off.

There was nothing about a wrapper!

It was all done with the Scotch tape, Edith,

and it was funny, I thought. Oh, yeah.

What a lousy laugh.

You know, you're losin' all your sense of humor goin' over to that old folks home

and working with all them back numbers over there.

Listen, Edith, when you signed on as Mrs. A. Bunker 26 years ago,

you signed on for a permanent job here.

Oh, but, Archie, I enjoy what I'm doing.

You enjoy diving under a bed for an old baldo's teeth?

Well, it gives me a purpose in life.

Hold it, hold it, hold it. You got a purpose in life.

Let me tell you something, Edith. You are my what?

Wife.

Yeah, and we live in a what?

House. Yes.

Now, put them two things together, what have you got?

Wife house.

No, no, you dingbat! Housewife.

And your purpose is the care and feedin' of your husband.

And your husband cares to be fed now.

Dinner, dinner, dinner. Oh, yeah.

You see it was frozen. You see it was frozen when I put it in.

Oh, on top of everything else,

she's giving me one of them embalmed dinners.

Just remember, Edith, charity begins at home,

and your biggest charity case is me.

You're away working all day

and so are Mike and Gloria,

and that leaves me all alone here with nothing to do

and nothing to look forward to.

What're you talkin' about?

You're supposed to look forward to me comin' home

and tellin' you about my day.

But your days are all the same.

Stretch Cunningham always does something funny,

like today, he glued the paper napkins together.

They wasn't paper napkins!

He didn't glue 'em, he scotched...

Stop that when I'm talking to you.

You gotta quit all of this Sunshine work.

Any sunshine you got, you spread over your husband only.

That's it.

That's it.

But, Archie, the time I spend helpin' old people

don't take no time away from you.

Well, it makes me think you don't care about me no more.

Oh, Archie, that ain't true.

Dear Abby says,

"Love ain't how much time a couple spends together,

"but what they do with their time they spend together."

Will you control yourself? We're in the kitchen.

Oh, Archie, see, what I'm doing is useful

and it makes me feel like I ain't wastin' my life.

Wait a... Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Being married to A. Bunker is wasting your life.

No, Archie! Oh, I love being with you, Archie Bunker.

But you see, you got your own work to do.

See, and I got nothin' and I get bored.

Listen, Edith,

gettin' bored is a very big part of being married.

Archie, before we was married,

you promised me a life full of fun and excitement.

No, I ain't promise you nothin'.

Oh, yes, you did. And... And I got proof of it.

In your own words. I found some old letters.

Aw, jeez... When I was helpin' Mike and Gloria move.

You wrote 'em to me in the service.

Now, listen, don't hold me to anything in there.

A soldier writes a lot of things in the heat of battle.

The bombs bustin' in the air and the stink of death starin' him in the face.

You wrote this from Fort Riley, Kansas.

And Fort Riley was pretty stinko, too.

Don't read it to me.

"Dear Edith... She reads it anyhow.

"I'm sittin' here under a oak tree in Kansas

"hopin' you are not sittin' under a apple tree in Queens

"with nobody else but me, like the song says. Ha... ha."

You put the "Ha... ha" in capital letters.

That's 'cause it's supposed to be funny.

You're supposed to laugh there.

Oh. "I..." Why aren't you laughin' now?

Uh, ha... ha.

"I hope you will be waitin' for me when I come marchin' home

"and the world is safe from democracy."

Now, this is the part.

"I want you to walk with me hand in hand

"into the sea of matrimony.

"And I promise you'll never have a dull minute

"with your ever-loving Archie."

Oh, what're you tryin' to tell me? That life now with me is dull?

Archie, when you was courtin' me, it was lots of fun

and always full of surprises.

Like Friday nights,

you used to take me to that Chinese restaurant Hop Sings for chow mein.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And you used to give the waiter them funny orders,

like egg roll over easy.

And... And Robert Fu Yung. Yeah.

And wonton soup with no starch in it.

Oh, and then, you always used to say to the waiter,

"Bring us our fortune cookies now

"cause I...

"Wanna see how much the bill is gonna be."

That one had 'em layin' on the floor.

Oh, Archie, you was always so romantic.

Edith, don't start. I can't do nothin' when I'm hungry.

Oh, them days was so much fun.

What do you mean by that? You mean it's no fun now?

Wasn't you just sittin' on my lap there a minute ago?

Why do you got to go running to the old people's home lookin' for thrills?

Oh, I ain't lookin' for thrills, Archie.

It's just that things ain't the same no more.

The world was better when it was the same!

I got to be busy doin' somethin' useful.

What do you mean useful? Useful, what's useful?

Givin' shoelace lessons? Pushin' old lady Freidman into the showers?

I'll tell you what's useful.

For a wife, it's useful to be home.

That's when a wife is useful. Home.

The problem with the world is that women ain't home no more.

Let me ask you somethin' there, Florence Nightingown.

How much are they paying you for all this Sunshine?

Nothing. Oh, nothin'.

And that's exactly what it's worth. Nothin'.

'Cause if it was worth somethin', they'd pay you somethin'.

Now case closed, Edith.

I ain't gettin' paid nothin' 'cause I'm a volunteer.

Well, will you kindly volunteer to get dinner on that table?

No.

I ain't gettin' dinner on the table until you take that back.

Take what back? What you said about my work being nothin'.

It's helpin' people.

And... And I think people helpin' people is important.

Look at the way it's got you here.

You're startin' to cry, dear. Now don't do that.

Edith, you know I can't take that.

I ain't gonna take it!

Get on the blower here and I'm gonna call that Reverend Fletcher.

Felcher. Whatever!

And I'm gonna tell him that night just fell on one of his Sunshine Girls.

Oh, no, no, please don't do that...

Oh, you d-don't want me to talk to him. Now, you talk to him yourself.

No, I won't. Edith, Edith, that was an order.

I ain't takin' no orders.

You ain't what?

I ain't takin' no orders.

I can be a Sunshine Lady if I wanna be.

And I wanna be and I am!

You whipped that phone out of my hand

and smashed it down like that?

You are in trouble, Edith. You are in big trouble.

No, you are.

'Cause I ain't gettin' your dinner on the table

until you take back what you said!

Well, I ain't takin' back nothin'!

Let me tell you somethin'. What I said goes!

And you don't got to get no dinner on the table for me

'cause I'm goin' down to Kelcy's.

Oh, no! No, no!

You ain't gonna slam this door in my face

because this time it's gonna be your face!

And I'm gonna be the slammer!

Is that you, sweetheart?

Hey, you ready for your welcome home kissy?

If you insist, Arch. Get out of my face, you!

What are you doin' eavesdrippin' over my house?

Ma asked me to drop off the cleaning.

Is she coming home? Well, why don't you ask her?

Because I'm mad at her.

Oh, is that why you came runnin' down the stairs

for your big welcome home kissy?

I figured she was gonna apologize.

Arch, what is wrong with Ma doin' somethin' that she enjoys?

She is supposed to enjoy here. This house and me.

And not stayin' overnight with youse two.

Get out of here. Wait a minute, get over here.

You see this here? The Holy Bible, buddy.

The Good Book. You know what it says in there?

It says that a woman should cleave into her husband.

Right here, in this house, is where Edith's cleavage belongs.

Is that the Gospel according to Archie Bunker?

No, buddy, first chapter of Generous.

I'll tell you something else the Good Book says.

Man was created first because he's supposed to be the boss.

And you know why a woman was created?

'Cause Adam got tired of dancing with gorillas.

Get away from me!

Arch, you can't force a woman to stop living.

Give me one sensible reason why Ma has to be here all day? Ah!

I'll make it easier for you. Give me one stupid reason.

Suppose we had goldfish, they'd die.

That's stupid enough. You wanna know the real reason?

No. You're jealous.

What? That's right.

Oh, what're you talkin' about?

Jealous of an 88-year-old baldo

who hears through his eye glasses

and loses his teeth when he ties his shoes?

Arch, you are jealous because all of Ma's attention isn't on you.

Ah, let me tell you somethin' here, Professor.

When you've been sailin' the ragin' seas of matrimonials

as long as me,

you'll understand that a husband is the captain of the ship

and a wife is a deckhand.

And when a husband, the captain says, "Shove up," the deckhand shoves.

You better be careful that the deckhand doesn't tell you to shove your ship.

Are you back?

Gloria wants a loaf of bread.

You want me to get it, Ma? I'll get it.

Well, I could sure go for a cold beer.

Then go for it.

Hey, uh, Captain,

when are you gonna tell the deckhand to shove off?

When are you gonna shove off?

Don't I get a goodbye kissy?

Get out of here and don't you come back!

Wait, wait. Wait, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait a minute.

I... I wanna tell you somethin'.

What?

I hung up the dry cleaning.

Wait! Wait a minute, I wanna talk to you.

Can't we have a talk, huh?

Can't you just sit down over here? Come on. Come on.

Here, sit in my chair there.

Now, ain't that nice?

I just wanna talk.

Talk.

Well, uh, how was your day?

Fine.

Ain't you gonna ask me how was my day?

No.

Well, it was lousy.

He tells me anyway.

Listen, I just wanna ask you one very important question,

and you don't have to be scared to give me an honest answer.

What?

Are you mad at me?

Yes.

Well, you don't have to be that honest.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute, Edith.

Wait a minute, I wanna... I wanna tell you somethin' else.

All right. But you know what I wanna hear.

Listen, I'm takin' you out to dinner.

That ain't what I wanna hear.

Oh, Edith.

I'm taking you to Hop Sings.

Why?

Why? Hop Sings, Edith, Hop Sings.

That's our old ren-dez-voos.

Oh, my. This place ain't changed a bit in all these years.

I think I recognize that green fly.

Well, all right.

Now, let's see what I'm gonna order for us here.

I'll order for myself. Oh, sure.

Your tea, sir. Yeah, thank you very much.

Would you, uh, like to order now, sir?

Yes, I would like to order now. Uh, please get this.

I think I'll have the egg rolls over easy.

And Robert Fu Young and wonton soup, no starch.

How'd you know I was gonna say that?

I was your waiter when you used to come in here.

Hey, that's right. Yeah, I didn't recognize you at first.

You're the guy... Hey, how come you ain't got no Chinese accent no more?

I don't need it now. I own the restaurant.

You see how things go.

You remembered us after all these years.

Ten cent tippers you never forget.

Many a guy leaves nothin', huh?

You were always such a funny man.

Tell me, do you still stick chopsticks up you nose and bark like a walrus?

You remember that, too, huh? Good for you.

Well, let me see.

I think we'll have the Golden Dragon Royal Family special.

I'll have chop suey, please.

Oh, yeah. Well, listen, that sounds good. I'll have that.

Listen, double up on the chop suey and kill the Royal Family.

And... And, boss. Hey, boss, uh...

Uh, bring us the, uh, fortune cookies now because...

I wanna see how much my bill is going to be.

Hey. He even remembered that.

Yeah, it was nice of him to remember us.

Oh, well, listen, Edith. You're easy to remember.

And now I wanna make a little toast to you.

I wanna thank you for 26 beautiful years of marriage

and being such a loving wife.

And I wanna tell you somethin' else.

You know that Reverend Fletcher.

Felcher. Whatever.

He didn't have to make you no Sunshine Girl,

because you was always my sunshine girl.

What do you think of this, Archie?

What?

Easy.

Your fortune cookies.

All right, all right.

Let me see. I'll open mine first to see what my fortune says about me.

"Big winds come from empty caves."

Some of these things don't make no sense at all.

What's yours?

"Labor of the heart brings a life burstin' with rewards."

I think that means volunteer work could get you a heart attack.

Archie, guess what? I ain't a volunteer no more.

No? Oh, I knew it. I knew it.

I knew if I'd brung you here, you'd see the light.

The home don't want me to be a volunteer no more.

Terrific, Edith. And, remember,

I ain't keepin' you from doin' what you wanted to do.

It was them that give you the boot.

They like my work so much that startin' tomorrow

they're gonna pay me $2 an hour.

Here's to us, soldier.

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.