Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

"Slip the large wing nut over the pipes."

Yeah, I think I did that. Then what?

"Screw the two smaller pipes of the union to the new pipes."

Yeah, I think I did that. Then what?

Call the plumber.

Ma!

That ain't in the book, Mike, I made that up myself.

Ma, don't worry, I think I got this thing fixed.

All right, Ma, when I say, "okay", turn on the water, okay?

Okay.

No! Ma, Ma, Ma!

Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off.

Turn it off. I don't think I fixed it.

Here, oh, look at you. Yeah.

Don't... Don't you think it's time you called a plumber now?

No, no, Ma. I'm tellin' you we can't afford it.

Gloria and I are on a very strict budget.

Nowadays, the only person that can afford a plumber, is another plumber.

No, I think I'll come back to the sink later.

Well, ain't you gonna change your shirt?

No, it's all right, Ma. It's all right.

I gotta... I gotta fix the front door lock.

Well, what's the matter with it?

Well, it's, uh, loose. I gotta screw it in.

All right, let's see. Where's my Phillips?

You gonna use Milk of Magnesia on this door there?

No, no, no, Ma. It's a Phillips screwdriver.

Oh.

Oh, I better go home and say goodbye to Archie before he leaves.

Hey, Ma, what goes Archie do for a whole weekend

at those veterans' conventions?

Oh, well, I don't know. He never remembers nothin'.

I guess the less he remembers, the more fun he's had.

There.

Hey, I must've done somethin' wrong. This thing works.

Oh, good.

Yup. Now our little home is safe from all crooks, kooks, and all types of intruders.

Good evening, fellow Americans.

Except one.

There, see, all set to go here.

♪ Oh, it's a long way to tickle Mary

♪ It's a long way to go

♪ And yet we all tickle Mary Oh, stop that now.

♪ 'Cause Mary giggles so

♪ Oh, we all tickle Mary Stop it.

♪ And Mary yells, "Oh, gee!"

♪ But nobody ever kisses Mary

♪ 'Cause she caught VD ♪

Ha-ha, huh? Yeah, yeah.

Hey, about face here! Return that salute there, soldier.

Oh, Archie. At ease!

Oh, I'll never forget how handsome you looked

the first day you marched off to war.

Oh, yeah, hey, me and Buster Brinkley, huh?

We were the first two guys in this neighborhood to enlist.

Yeah, and you was the first ones to get your draft notices, too.

Stifle yourself, will you? We was gonna volunteer anyway.

Gee, poor old Buster. I wonder if he's gonna be at the convention this year.

You know, it's a shame to see a guy like that in a wheelchair.

I didn't know Buster got wounded.

Oh, yeah, at last year's convention.

He zapped the belly dancer with his electric cane, you know?

And her boyfriend come over and broke both his legs.

Doesn't make any sense to throw away all that money on a crazy weekend.

I mean, a... a bunch of grown men acting like kids.

What do you mean, actin' like kids?

We do a lot of big stuff there.

We make speeches, we listen to other speeches there.

We take care of all the affairs of the world.

Take care of important things there.

Did you pack everything you need?

Oh, yeah. I got my whoopie cushion, yeah.

I've got my police whistle for screwin' up traffic.

I got my balloons to make the water bombs to drop out the window.

And the itchin' powder for the topless waitresses. Oh.

Did you hear that? You know who that is? That's the guys out there.

Okay, fellows! Okay! Hang on there!

I'll be right with you, guys!

Now you take care of the two girls while I'm gone, huh, Meathead?

Don't worry, Arch. If the commies attack,

I'll hold them off with my carnation that squirts water.

Put it there. Oh, no. No, no.

I'm not gonna shake that hand. You got a buzzer in there.

I ain't got nothin' in that hand. Look at that.

This guy is suspective of everything. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Archie. Yeah, goodbye, Edith. Goodbye.

We'll miss you. Goodbye, Edith.

♪ It's a long way To tickle Mary

♪ It's long way... ♪

Oh, goodbye, Archie. Have a good time.

And be careful. Don't get lost. Stay with the other boys.

Old soldiers never die.

They just go off to conventions and destroy cities.

Well, I'll come back to the front door lock later.

I'll try my hand at the furnace.

Oh, Mike, please be careful.

Make sure there ain't no gas leakin'.

Oh, I had an Uncle Virgil, once,

who used to sneak down to the basement to smoke a cigar

on account of my Aunt Edna didn't like cigar smoke.

Well, one night, he sneaked down for a smoke

and he didn't know there was gas leakin'. He found out.

And that's the last Aunt Edna ever saw of Uncle Virgil.

Or the furnace, or the front porch.

Hey, Ma, didn't any of your uncles ever die of old age?

Oh, yeah.

My Uncle Ralph was hit by a trolley car when he was 80.

Hi, Ma. Oh, hi, Gloria.

What's that?

Well, it's Mike. He's been workin' around the house all day.

Oh, how's he doin'?

Well, we ain't done nothin' that can't be fixed.

Oh, you smell so good. What is that?

Oh, that's Voulez-Vous, Ma. Oh.

It's the finest cologne we sell in the store. Oh.

I'd buy some myself, if we weren't so short on money.

Gloria, if you and Mike are ever short on money,

you can come to Archie and me.

Oh, thanks, Ma, but you know how proud Michael is.

Why, he wouldn't take 10 cents from you.

Oh, we can afford more than that.

Oh, gee! Son of a... Honey?

Are you all right? No, I'm yelling because I'm having fun!

Damn it! I'm sorry, Ma. That's all right.

Hell! I'm sorry, Ma. That's all right.

Damn! I'm sorry, Ma. All right. All right.

What happened?

Oh, I was trying to scrape some rust off the furnace

and I smashed my hand with a big wrench.

Oh, honey. Why didn't you use a chisel?

Because I thought a wrench would hurt more.

Cold water. Put it under cold water.

Yeah, we'll put it under cold water. We can't, it's busted.

Oh, sit down, honey and I'll get you an ice cube.

Oh, ice cubes, yeah, that's good.

Michael, you've got lots of papers to correct.

You shouldn't be doing all these repairs.

Who else is gonna do it? I'm the only repairman I can afford.

Gee, what a rotten time we're livin' in.

Inflation, recession... I got a weekly salary that lasts four days.

Well, my salary holds us over for the other three days, so we're doin' okay.

Unless we get hit by an eight day week.

We're barely managing. We're in a trap!

Where can a man go to seek his fortune? To get a fresh deal?

A new roll at a dice? A new spin of the wheel?

Mike, gamblin' ain't never the answer.

I don't know what the answer is.

All I know is, I can't even afford to take my own wife out.

You know, we're the only couple on this block

that hasn't seen Jaws?

Well, that's 'cause it would cost us an arm and a leg.

You know, Archie and me had fun even when we didn't have much money.

I mean we couldn't afford to buy a television set

but we watched TV on the sidewalk outside of Copperman's appliance store.

And it didn't cost us nothin'.

Oh, I'll never forget it, they had five sets

and Milton Berle was on every one of them.

Oh, my, we laughed when he said, "Good evening, ladies and germs."

Of course he should've said, "Ladies and gentlemen",

but he kept makin' the same mistake every week.

And people still laughed at him.

Well, I suppose that was because he was wearin' a dress when he said it.

You know, I was five years old when Daddy got us our first TV.

It was six inches square, so I always thought Milton Berle was this big.

Hey, remember how Uncle Milty used to walk out on the stage?

"I'll kill you a million times."

Yeah, he did the funny thing. Remember the theme song?

♪ Oh, we're the men of Texaco

♪ We work from Maine to Mexico

♪ There's nothing like

♪ This Texaco of ours

♪ Our show tonight is powerful

♪ We'll wow you with an hour full

♪ Of howls from a shower full of stars

♪ We're the merry Texaco men

♪ Tonight we will be showmen

♪ Tomorrow we'll be servicing your cars ♪

Ouch! You stepped on the foot! You stepped on the foot! Ow, ow, ow.

Watch the hand! The hand! Oh!

I'm sorry. I got something here that'll cheer you up.

Look, today was payday. I got my check.

Oh, great. Oh.

$160! Why, that's double my salary.

Hey, maybe it's got a bonus there.

$160?

And I got a pink slip.

I've been fired.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Michael.

Good night, ladies and germs.

Gloria, you ain't hardly touched nothin'.

I'm not hungry, Ma.

You were right, Michael. What a lousy time to live.

Oh, come on, honey. Don't talk that way. Come on, cheer up.

Why would they fire me like that? I'm a good person.

And an excellent employee.

Maybe I went to the water cooler too often.

Or to the ladies' room too many times.

Well if you did one, they can't blame you for doing the other.

Did you hear what Ma said? That's funny.

If you did one, they can't blame you for doing the-the...

♪ Oh, we are the men from Texaco

♪ We work from Maine to Mexico

♪ There's nothing like this Texaco of ours... ♪

Come on, honey, snap out of it. It's not the end of the world.

Michael, we needed that money I was bringing in.

What was I supposed to do to keep my job, anyway?

Have an affair with the head of the department?

Certainly not at the same salary.

Oh. Oh.

Do you think maybe that's the store?

Maybe they changed their mind?

I hope so.

Ma? Ma, would you get it? I'm too nervous.

Hello?

No, you must have the wrong number.

What?

No! This ain't pussycat. It's Edith Bunker.

Archie! It's your father, it's Archie.

Is he havin' fun?

Gloria wants to know if you're havin' fun at...

Gloria.

Gloria's your daughter.

He's havin' fun.

Yeah, I got 'em at home in the piano bench.

At home! On Howser Street. Yeah.

I'll go there and I'll get 'em out of the bench and you call me there.

Yeah. Goodbye, Archie.

Is Daddy looped already?

He's sharin' a hotel room with a Puerto Rican corporal,

and he wants me to read him the words to My Buddy.

He's smashed.

I'll be back later and help you with the dishes.

Oh, don't bother, Ma. I'm a full-time housewife now.

No pay, but the work is steady.

Don't forget the fringe benefits.

I'll tell you what, I've gotta go upstairs, and correct some papers,

why don't you come up after a while?

What for?

I don't know, we'll think of somethin'.

"Notice of dismissal."

♪ We are the men from Texaco We work... ♪

Sheila? Hi, Sheila Tishman. Hi, honey. Hi, doll.

Gee, you haven't been over in a while.

Oh, I love what you did with the place.

Yeah? I'm crazy about plaid.

Oh, we've been workin' real hard. Could I get you some coffee?

No thanks. I got a date with a real drag and it might keep me awake.

Someone from the store?

Luke Willis in Refrigerators.

You know, Cool Hand Luke?

Oh, I brought you your stuff from your locker.

Thanks, Sheila. Listen, you work across the aisle from me,

have you any idea why they fired me?

Honey, you are talking to the Rona Barrett of Cressler's.

You broke our personnel manager's 11th commandment.

Thou shalt not commit pregnancy.

They can't fire a woman just because she's pregnant.

Didn't the Supreme Court decide that?

Heather Bancroft was fired in her third month.

Heather Bancroft. When did she get married?

In her ninth month.

So you see, you're not the first.

Gloria, did I leave my briefcase...

Oh, honey, you remember Sheila Tishman, don't you?

Yeah, hi, Sheila. Hi, Mike.

Sheila just told me that I was fired because I'm pregnant.

How... How do you know?

Higgins in Accounting talks in his sleep.

He dozes off at movies.

Wait... Wait a minute.

But Cressler's can't do that. That's against the law.

It's penalizing the human race for reproducing themselves.

Who is in charge of hiring and firing?

D. Bertram Crenshaw III.

D. Bertram Crenshaw III.

Well, when I get through with him, there's not gonna be a fourth.

In conclusion, Mr. Kramer, your faithful service is highly appreciated,

and be assured that this notice of termination

coming two weeks before your eligibility for our pension fund

is merely coincidence.

A man with your 40 years experience

should have no difficulty in finding another job.

Cordially yours, D. Bertram Crenshaw,

Personnel Director.

Yes?

Gloria Stivic? Uh, tell her I'm in a meeting.

Helen Kincaid, 169...

I'm sorry to interrupt your meeting, but I am Michael Stivic

and I have one question to ask you!

Mr. Stivic, as you can see, I am very, very busy!

Mr. Crenshaw, as you can see, I am very, very angry!

Yes, I can see that!

Therefore, I, uh, I'll, uh, I'll give you five minutes.

I have a New York State law here that says

it is illegal for any employer to fire women because of pregnancy.

Well, that's an excellent law. I approve of it thoroughly.

That has nothing to do with me.

My wife is pregnant.

That has nothing to do with me either but...

Mr. Crenshaw, I was fired yesterday

and we came here to find out if I was fired because I'm pregnant.

Oh, no, no, no. No, that would be against the law.

No, no, no, Cressler's does not discriminate.

We are an equal opportunity employer.

We're very, very proud of our blacks in the maintenance department.

And our-our Puerto Rican window-washers.

And our Filipino elevator operators.

What, no Indians?

We have three in our window display every Thanksgiving.

Mr. Crenshaw, we're talking about sex discrimination.

That's right. You fired my wife because she is pregnant!

Now, why won't you admit that?

The door, Mr. Stivic. The door.

Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Crenshaw, the door.

Mr. Stivic, you are being irrational.

That's right, Mr. Crenshaw, I'm being irrational. Honey.

I'm being very irrational. That is the way I get

when I am not being told the truth!

My eyes bug out, my fists start to clench

and I just feel like hittin' somethin'!

Melons! Crenshaw melons!

Mr. Stivic, I am going to call security.

You better call your company nurse who I'm sure is a token Eskimo!

Yeah, and not pregnant!

Actually, he is neither of those things.

You better give me the truth, now, because you're dealing with a lunatic!

I'm a cuckoo now, I want the truth right now!

All right. You want the truth, I... I will... I'll give you the truth.

Look at this, we're in the Oval Office here.

Your wife was fired because she is pregnant.

Cressler's has an image of fashion, style and beauty.

And that image isn't going to be helped

by a girl who very soon is going to look like Alfred Hitchcock in drag.

Alfred Hitchcock?

In drag.

That is not fair, Mr. Crenshaw.

Charlie Simmons in Sportswear, why, he has a stomach bigger than any pregnant woman.

Ah, but Charlie Simmons happens to be in ski togs for the portly.

You wanted the truth and I gave you the truth,

and I will swear on a stack of Bibles that I never said it,

so, sue me.

We may just have to settle this little thing out of court.

Crenshaw, you just make sure that you don't give my wife's job away

because she is going to be back to work Monday morning!

Oh, are you threatening me, Mr. Stivic? You're going over my head?

That's right, Mr. Crenshaw, I'm going over your head!

Way over your head! I'm going to the world! Come on, Gloria.

No one, no one is going to deny you your constitutional rights!

Power to the preggos!

Let the records show that as Mrs. Stivic left the office,

she raised her hand in a communist salute.

Most probably over here.

Come on, Gloria, hurry up.

Didn't they say it was gonna be on the news between 5:00 and 5:15?

Yeah. Oh, honey, it's 5:00 now.

Oh, I'll bring the television set down from upstairs.

Okay.

Alfred Hitchcock, my foot.

Ma! You there?

Yeah, what happened?

Oh, Ma, it's so exciting. We went to see the Personnel Manager,

Yeah? and he turned out to be such a stinker.

So Michael threatened to punch him in his nose and I got my job back anyway.

And you're gonna see how it all happened on television.

I got the TV. Michael had a wonderful idea. Yeah.

Hi, Ma. Hi. Mike.

You see, Cressler's makes so much money from pregnant women, you know,

maternity outfits, layettes, bassinets, baby clothes,

so Michael decided that they wouldn't wanna lose that market. So...

It's comin' on, quiet. You mean you're going to be on TV?

Yeah! Quiet.

When Gloria Stivic, who insisted she was fired from Cressler's

because she was pregnant, was reinstated.

Oh.

Oh, Gloria, there you are. Oh, you're on TV.

Oh, there's Mr. Crenshaw, look at him.

That's Mr. Crenshaw.

Look at him.

He's the one that fired me.

This is the one.

The police were called.

Officers Davis and Harris responded.

Cressler's does not discriminate.

Officer Davis, who was also pregnant, joined the picket line.

Oh, that must be a maternity uniform.

Did you do all that, Mike?

No, Ma, it was my idea for the picketing,

but it was Gloria's idea to call up a doctor

and ask him to send down all his pregnant patients.

And, so along with Black Power, Brown Power and Red Power,

we now add Preggo Power.

Both Gloria Stivic and baby will be back to work Monday morning.

And now on the latest news... Oh!

Hey! How about that, huh?

Oh, I... I just wish they hadn't mentioned your name, Gloria,

now every crackpot in the city is gonna be callin' us.

Yup, there, see what I mean?

Gee, I wonder how many Americans saw me.

Oh, millions, Gloria.

You was on right after Dinah Shore.

What?

What do you mean, indecent?

Well, you know what you can do with your stupid opinions, you loudmouth drunk.

What is that supposed to mean?

What a crazy guy. Starts singin' My Buddy to me.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.