Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

I'm home, Edith, and I'm hungry.

Oh, hello, Archie!

Jeez, I feel like I'm being mugged here, Edith.

Just kiss me nice, huh?

Did you have a nice day?

No, I had a lousy day.

That's why I'm looking forward to a beautiful dinner.

What have we got tonight? Chicken.

I hate it.

We had it roasted on Tuesday.

Wednesday, we had it creamed.

Thursday, it had come back hiding in a salad.

Tonight, we're gonna have croquettes.

I hope it's making its farewell appearance, Edith.

That chicken's been doing more things dead

than it's ever done alive.

All right, get it on, get it on, Colonel Sanders.

Oh!

Go!

Hold it, hold it, hold it. Get back here.

What's all this?

Chain letters. Chain letters?

Yeah. Listen to this.

"According to Saint Timothy of Nicaragua

"who... who... who originated this chain,

"if you send out 20 copies to friends

"by midnight tonight,

"good luck will visit you within four days.

"But if you don't send out the letters,

"ill fortune will move into your home."

The Meathead just moved out of here.

Come on, don't tell me you believe in that junk.

You wanna hear what happened to Carl Schultz

when he broke the chain?

No, I don't wanna hear what happened to Carl Schultz.

"Carl Schultz... Oh, jeez.

"an animal trainer in the Berlin Zoo broke the chain

"and two days later, he got eaten by a tiger."

Now, Archie, that's bad luck.

Well, for Schultz, not for the tiger.

You wanna hear what happened to my Uncle Walter

when he broke a chain letter?

Don't tell me.

Uncle Walter lived in San Francisco...

She tells me anyway.

On top of a hill.

And one day, he tripped over his little dog

and he broke his hip.

So when the ambulance came,

and they wheeled Uncle Walter out on a stretcher

and put him in the back,

they forgot to close the door.

So when the ambulance...

Uncle Walter rolled down the back,

down the hill, across Fisherman's Wharf

and into the bay.

Just missed the ferry, huh?

He was the fourth uncle in my family

that died an unusual death,

but he was the only one that got buried at sea.

Oh, that is nice.

What are you trying to tell me, Edith?

That Walter wouldn't have drowned

if he had sent out 20 chain letters?

Well, he was alive before he didn't send them out.

I'm surprised that a woman with all your education

is being so superstitious.

Oh, I ain't.

I just don't believe in taking chances.

Like when we was kids

and we used to walk on the sidewalk,

we'd say, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back."

So I was always very careful and never stepped on a crack.

But that is superstitious.

No, it ain't. I just love my mother.

And she lived to be 78,

and she never had no trouble with her back.

Knock wood.

What are you knocking wood for?

Nobody feels back trouble in the ground.

I've been stepping on cracks all my life, Edith.

When my mother died, she was just as healthy as your dead mother.

Chain letters is only sent out to dummies.

This one came for you.

Well, let me show you what I'm gonna do

with this here one right now. There.

Oh, it's not a bad shot for a white guy.

Well, I ain't gonna take no chances.

I'm gonna mail out my letters by midnight tonight.

You're wasting your time.

Chain letters is sent out

by nutty people to other nutty people there.

Now who sent them out?

Irene Lorenzo.

Oh, the top nut on a fruitcake!

I don't wanna hear no more about it,

and I ain't gonna have no bad luck.

Hi, Arch. I spoke too soon.

Don't you ever stay in your own home?

Well, I asked him to have dinner with us tonight.

Is Gloria eating here, too?

Well, if she gets through with the store in time

to take an inventory.

How long is she gonna keep on working

in her enormous condition?

Oh, modern mothers work right up to the time

they become mothers.

See, Meathead, you got an answer for everything, huh?

Ma, I see you've got your chain letters

all stamped and ready to go. Yeah.

If we put a stamp on you, will you be ready to go?

You know, I wish I had a hearing aid

so I could turn you off.

And whenever you wanna turn you on me.

Mike, did you and Gloria send out your chain letters?

No, no, Ma. We threw ours away.

What about you, Arch?

No, I sent mine on airmail right into the basket there.

Of course I ain't got a superstitious bone in my head.

Archie, when we took a walk the other night

and you saw a black cat,

you made us walk the other way.

Well, that ain't superstition, that's self-preservation.

You can't see a black cat at night.

You could trip over a black cat and kill yourself

like your dead Uncle Walter had done.

Did I ever meet your Uncle Walter? No, Mike.

He died before you met Gloria.

Yeah, he missed the San Francisco ferry by six inches.

You see, Uncle Walter lived in San Francisco

on top of the hill and one... Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma,

is... is this gonna be a long story?

Well... 'Cause I gotta go to the bathroom.

Oh, well, go ahead.

I'll tell you later.

I'll remind you.

Can I come in?

Why didn't you ask us that when you were still out?

Edith, can I borrow a can of peas?

Oh, sure, Irene.

Hold it! Hold it!

Don't you already owe us a can of corn?

Well, that's all right. We owe her a can of asparagus.

So that'll even us out.

No, it won't. Asparagus gives you body odor.

Well, go ahead. Sit down if you have to.

Archie, you know, someday I'm gonna walk in here

and you're gonna say, "Hello, Irene" nice and sweet

and I'm gonna drop dead.

Hello, Irene.

Hey, hey, easy on the couch there.

What do you think that is, huh?

That ain't no trampalone.

You're a nut, Irene, sending out them chain letters.

You know, you got my wife worried half to death.

What am I worried about, Archie?

About the chain letter I chucked into the basket.

Oh, Edith, don't be worried.

I just sent those for laughs.

And you never can tell, maybe they will bring good luck.

It did for Sara Selkirk.

Who's Sara Selkirk?

You know, she's the one that tried for years to have a baby.

And then she got a chain letter

and she made 20 copies, gave it to the mailman,

in six weeks she was pregnant.

Oh! And you think the chain letter had done that?

I think the mailman had done that.

Excuse me!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Look at this.

His whole life is racing from the john to the kitchen,

from the kitchen back to the john.

To him, the living room is only a pit-stop.

Excuse me. Hold it. Hold it.

What do you got there, a Polish swizzle stick?

No, a bigot's toothbrush.

You wanna help me there?

Oh.

Uh, Mike! Mike, what happened?

The toilet overflowed.

You need any help?

I think I can manage.

Oh, listen to that.

He lives next door, he eats over here,

he ain't even got the human kindness

to bust his own toilets.

Archie, do you think bad luck is starting to come to us

because you threw your chain letter in the basket?

Listen to this, listen to this.

You're making a nervous wreck

out of this poor, simple woman here.

Good night, Irene.

Or in other words, get your can out of here.

Hey, what do you know, Edith?

It's his own private brand. The Jolly Green Grouch.

Say, don't it ever strike you that that woman don't like me?

Archie, I wish you wouldn't argue

with Irene so much.

She and me is best friends.

Well, what are we?

Well, we ain't friends, we're married.

I couldn't fix it. I better call the plumber.

You better pay the plumber, too.

Oh, I better get the mop.

Hey, Ma, something burning?

It's the chicken croquettes!

Burn, baby, burn!

How do you like that? The plumber's line is busy.

The plumber's line is always busy.

I'll call Irene. Oh, well, you're gonna call Irene,

I'm gonna get the hell out of here.

I'm going down to Kelcy's. That's what I...

Ma, are you all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm all right.

The oven door fell off and I dropped the hot pan.

Gee, what else can happen?

Nothing. Edith's run out of dead uncles.

Oh, Mike.

First, the toilet,

then the chicken, then the oven door.

I think our bad luck is really startin'.

Yeah, and what's worse is that this here chain letter

come from Saint Timothy in Nicaragua

telling everybody how to have good luck, see?

Some luck he's got stuck in Nicaragua.

Call me superstitious, Arch, but I believe in chain letters,

especially a religious one like that.

That is stupid.

I'm with Arch.

I didn't get any chain letter but I had good luck today.

Picked up 28 fares and not one of them pulled a knife on me.

I don't know, fellas,

but a customer of mine broke a chain last year,

and you know what happened to him?

No, and I don't wanna know.

Okay. I'll tell you what happened to his widow.

Blow it out your barracks bag, huh?

All them chain letters is a racket.

They make millions on that.

And this one being a Catholic one, see?

Saint Timothy in Nicaragua there,

don't you think the church in it for a big rake off on the stamps?

Are you awake?

Are you telling me the Pope gets a kickback on chain letters?

I didn't say that, but figure it out yourself.

He lives in a big palace, don't he?

Got about $1,000 worth of paintings

on his ceiling alone.

Yeah, way bigger than Elizabeth Taylor's is.

And he dresses better than Jackie Monassis.

You don't pay for all that stuff selling meatballs.

Okay, fellows, come on, take your seats. Chug-a-lug.

Oh, here goes the chug-a-lug there, Muns.

Come on, come on. Get you money out.

Put your money where your mouth is.

And you gotta take it all in one breath, too, Muns.

I'll be watching your Adam's apple there.

Oh, do I have to, Arch? I don't...

Come on, Muns, sit down here. Come on. You can get a round here.

Come on, come on. Let's get through this.

Put your money up. Here we go.

Muns, you lost, you go first.

One, two, go.

Take it easy.

Hey.

Hey, Muns, you better take out your teeth,

they're slowing you down.

I can't take anymore.

Sheesh! You didn't do so good tonight, Muns.

Yeah, what's the matter with you?

Like I told you, I've been feeling lousy lately.

So, yesterday, I went to the doctor for some tests to see what's wrong with me.

I'll tell you what's wrong with you.

Your mouth is bigger than your bladder.

Okay, Arch, your turn.

All right, here we go, here we go.

One, two, go.

A humming bird could beat this.

Kelcy's.

Uh, one moment, let me check the crowd.

Oh, yeah. He's here. Hold on. Hey, Muns.

Muns, it's for you. A dame. At least I think it is.

She got a voice like Godzilla.

That's my wife.

There's no sense in going on. It's no contest.

Look, I got him beaten already here.

Yeah, what do you want, Ramona?

Huh?

Holy gee, I'm... I'm leaving right away.

I'll call you later.

Hey, Muns, look how easy Arch beat you.

Who cares? The doctor just told my wife

that my tests came back and I got infectious hepatitis

and I gotta get to the hospital right away.

Jeez!

Hepatitis!

Poor Muns.

Boy, I sure feel sorry for him.

But as Doris Day used to sing Que Seru Seru.

It goes to prove my point. See, he didn't get no chain letter

and there he is with infectious hepatitis.

I got a chain letter and I busted it.

Look at me. Hey, I'm sitting here like a king.

I'm gonna have a buck of head, drinking a nice, big, cold beer.

From a pitcher which Munson infected.

Edith, get in here! Get in here!

Oh, Archie, thank goodness!

No more bad luck, you're home...

I want you to stay away from me, Edith. Stay away from me.

I got infectious hepatitis, Edith.

I caught it drinking beer with Munson.

Well, how did you do that?

If I live, I'll explain it to you.

Don't ask me no more questions now.

Get on the blower over there and call a doctor.

All right. I gotta lay down here.

Should I call Dr. Morgan or Dr. Shapiro?

Morgan's only good for headaches and colds.

When you're really sick, call a Jew.

Okay, honey.

Oh, jeez.

I was a healthy man

till Irene Lorenzo mailed me the kiss of death.

Hello, Dr. Shapiro, this is Edith Bunker.

704 Hauser Street.

Would you please call us as soon as you can

because my...

Hello, Dr. Shapiro,

this is Edith Bunker, 704 Hauser Street.

Would you please call us as soon as you can

because my husband Archie Bunker

thinks he got infectious...

Hello, Dr. Shapiro...

Edith, what the hell are you doing over there?

I'm talking to a tape recorder.

They say, "Give the message when it beeps,"

but they don't give you enough time between beeps.

Give me that telephone!

I got a beep for you Shapiro.

I ain't got time to wait for the doctor.

I better get over to that freebie,

hippie clinic on the boulevard.

Oh, Archie.

They say that hepatitis can be very serious.

My Uncle Stanley died from it.

Don't be plantin' me in the boneyard

with your dead uncles. I ain't gone yet.

Now get away from me. Stay away, Edith! Stay away!

Oh, jeez, look who's here.

Our friendly neighborhood hit lady.

Stay away from me, stay away from me!

Oh, Archie!

Will you call me as soon as it's all over?

If it's all over, Edith, they'll call you.

Hey, nurse, I gotta see a doctor right away.

You'll have to wait your turn.

Well, nurse, this is an emergency.

They're all emergencies. You'll have to wait your turn.

Listen, you don't know...

Hey, do like the nurse says, pops.

Come on, sit down, man.

What, you a wise guy or something?

You wanna be sitting next to a man with infectious hepatitis?

It's better than what I got.

Stay away from me, you!

Oh, hey, hey, hey. Wait... Wait a minute there, pal.

You gotta take your turn over there with everybody else.

It's all right.

What do you mean "all right"? What makes you so special?

I'm the doctor.

Oh, the doctor. MD.

Oh, well, listen, even so, you gotta take me first and fast.

I can't do that.

But, Doctor, I've got infectious hepatitis.

I'm a walking bouquet of germs here.

What do you want me to do? Start oozing bugs all over your joint?

Okay, follow me. Yeah, yeah.

Here I am. What do you want me to do?

Uh, take off your coat and have a seat.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll do that right away, yeah.

Jeez, I hate these tables.

What makes you think you have hepatitis, Mr...

Bunker, A. Bunker.

Uh, well, I'll tell you, it... it started out this way.

See, I broke a chain letter.

And that gave you hepatitis?

Oh, I didn't have it before I broke it.

And then right after that,

I was drinking beer out of the same pitcher

with a buddy of mine who is loaded with hepatitis.

Well, how do you know your friend has it?

His wife Ramona told him.

And she got it straight from their own doctor,

a regular white guy.

Nothing personal, I mean, you understand me.

Oh, sure, I understand you. Yeah.

Them white doctors, they sure knows their stuff.

Boy, that Marcus Welby,

he must be make 15 million house calls a week.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Uh, you got a diploma?

From Harvard.

I won it in a crap game.

Well, Mr. Bunker, it's not likely that you contacted hepatitis

just drinking from a pitcher, but let's have a look.

Skin color looks good.

You, too, Doc.

Thanks, I always liked it.

Well, hold on. What are you looking in my eyes for?

The beer is in my belly.

I'm... I'm looking for signs of jaundice.

Well, hold on, hold on. What is jaundice?

It's yellow discoloration.

Hold on, hold on, yellow.

You mean my eyes are liable to chink up on me?

You're not exactly a liberal thinker, are you, Mr. Bunker?

Oh, hey, I wouldn't say that.

I got respect for everybody, irregardless of race or color or creed,

especially doctors working on my personal body.

What's this?

I'm preparing a gamma globulin shot.

Well, ain't they got little pills for that?

I'm afraid not.

Does that cure me?

Well, it should.

But if you wants to make sure,

why don't you rub my head for luck?

Come on, Doc. Gee, I ain't believed in that in years.

Doctor, the ambulance has just pulled up with an emergency.

Oh, okay, Blake. Uh, give Bunker his shot.

Oh, the nurse is gonna give it to me, huh?

Oh, jeez. Look at the size of that needle.

Well, I bet you can almost harpoon a whale with that, huh?

Oh, it's not so bad. Yeah.

All right, Mr. Bunker, let's have our shot.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Not there.

Oh, well, all right.

Oh, wait a minute.

I mean, if it's gonna go any place else,

you better get the doctor back in here.

Turn around and drop your pants.

Come on, you're a lady.

I'm a registered nurse.

Believe me, yours won't be my first.

Drop 'em.

You mean, all the way down?

Mr. Bunker, I have patients waiting out there.

All right, all right! Don't yell at me, huh?

Jeez.

Now the shorts.

I hate to say this but a nice girl would shoot me through the shorts.

The shorts!

I feel like a flasher.

Don't be embarrassed, Mr. Bunker.

To me it's just another face in the crowd.

Oh, please, Archie, call.

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring!

Well, Ma, Irene did it again, she fixed the john.

Oh, thanks, Irene.

Any word from Archie?

No, and I'm so worried.

I hope it don't take four days

for my luck to turn good again.

Now, Edith, don't blame yourself.

Oh, I ain't blaming myself. I ain't blaming nobody,

'cause them chain letters don't bring good luck or bad luck.

All they do is scare people half to death.

You're right.

And I ought to kick myself for starting all this nonsense.

But I'm sure when Archie gets home,

he'll be glad to do it for me.

Edith, I'm back. Oh!

Archie, how do you feel?

It feels awful, Edith. Oh, awful, Edith.

You're gonna die when I tell you what they'd done to me.

Oh, look who's back again.

Dracula's plumber.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, Irene, but I'm still alive.

Oh! Gee, oh!

Well, why are you walking that way?

'Cause if I walk this way it hurts me!

Archie, I... I gotta say something.

I should never have sent you that silly letter.

I was wrong. You're always wrong.

And I missed my supper.

I'll go out here to the kitchen and scrounge for something.

I hope you got something I can eat standing up, Edith.

That's all I can say to you.

Why did you open that door?

Well, that's the only way to get in here from the kitchen.

Hey, Arch, did you hear the good news?

Irene fixed the toilet.

Why should that be good news to me?

I ain't gonna be able to sit on it for a month.

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

You're always doing the wrong thing!

Help! Edith, help me up!

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.