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♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played
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00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,039
♪ Songs that made the hit parade
3
00:00:08,108 --> 00:00:11,209
♪ Guys like us, we had it made
4
00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:13,679
♪ Those were the days
5
00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:17,116
♪ And you knew
where you were then
6
00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:20,352
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men
7
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:22,587
♪ Mister, we could use a man
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00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:25,891
♪ Like Herbert Hoover again
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00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:28,660
♪ Didn't need no welfare state
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♪ Everybody pulled his weight
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♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great
12
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♪ Those were the days ♪
13
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I'm home, Edith, and I'm hungry.
14
00:01:12,339 --> 00:01:17,676
Oh, hello, Archie!
15
00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:20,445
Jeez, I feel like I'm
being mugged here, Edith.
16
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,313
Just kiss me nice, huh?
17
00:01:22,382 --> 00:01:23,815
Did you have a nice day?
18
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:25,584
No, I had a lousy day.
19
00:01:25,652 --> 00:01:27,564
That's why I'm looking
forward to a beautiful dinner.
20
00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:29,921
What have we got
tonight? Chicken.
21
00:01:31,324 --> 00:01:33,158
I hate it.
22
00:01:33,226 --> 00:01:34,993
We had it roasted on Tuesday.
23
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Wednesday, we had it creamed.
24
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:40,098
Thursday, it had come
back hiding in a salad.
25
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:43,234
Tonight, we're gonna
have croquettes.
26
00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:46,805
I hope it's making its
farewell appearance, Edith.
27
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:48,907
That chicken's been
doing more things dead
28
00:01:48,976 --> 00:01:51,209
than it's ever done alive.
29
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:54,413
All right, get it on, get
it on, Colonel Sanders.
30
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Oh!
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00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,649
Go!
32
00:01:57,717 --> 00:02:00,785
Hold it, hold it, hold
it. Get back here.
33
00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:02,665
What's all this?
34
00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:05,057
Chain letters. Chain letters?
35
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,892
Yeah. Listen to this.
36
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:11,463
"According to Saint
Timothy of Nicaragua
37
00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:14,966
"who... who... who
originated this chain,
38
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:17,835
"if you send out
20 copies to friends
39
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:19,504
"by midnight tonight,
40
00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:22,807
"good luck will visit
you within four days.
41
00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,109
"But if you don't
send out the letters,
42
00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:29,113
"ill fortune will move
into your home."
43
00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:32,384
The Meathead just
moved out of here.
44
00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:35,120
Come on, don't tell me
you believe in that junk.
45
00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:37,622
You wanna hear what
happened to Carl Schultz
46
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:39,057
when he broke the chain?
47
00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:41,271
No, I don't wanna hear what
happened to Carl Schultz.
48
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:42,638
"Carl Schultz... Oh, jeez.
49
00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:46,631
"an animal trainer in the
Berlin Zoo broke the chain
50
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:50,568
"and two days later,
he got eaten by a tiger."
51
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:55,106
Now, Archie, that's bad luck.
52
00:02:57,377 --> 00:03:00,245
Well, for Schultz,
not for the tiger.
53
00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:03,548
You wanna hear what
happened to my Uncle Walter
54
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,383
when he broke a chain letter?
55
00:03:05,452 --> 00:03:06,596
Don't tell me.
56
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:09,421
Uncle Walter lived
in San Francisco...
57
00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:10,922
She tells me anyway.
58
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:12,757
On top of a hill.
59
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:16,228
And one day, he
tripped over his little dog
60
00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:17,796
and he broke his hip.
61
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:20,932
So when the ambulance came,
62
00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:24,235
and they wheeled Uncle
Walter out on a stretcher
63
00:03:24,304 --> 00:03:26,104
and put him in the back,
64
00:03:26,172 --> 00:03:28,706
they forgot to close the door.
65
00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:30,742
So when the ambulance...
66
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:35,413
Uncle Walter rolled
down the back,
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00:03:35,482 --> 00:03:38,083
down the hill, across
Fisherman's Wharf
68
00:03:38,152 --> 00:03:39,785
and into the bay.
69
00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:45,823
Just missed the ferry, huh?
70
00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:48,593
He was the fourth
uncle in my family
71
00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:51,763
that died an unusual death,
72
00:03:51,831 --> 00:03:55,333
but he was the only one
that got buried at sea.
73
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:57,835
Oh, that is nice.
74
00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,415
What are you trying
to tell me, Edith?
75
00:03:59,439 --> 00:04:01,417
That Walter wouldn't
have drowned
76
00:04:01,441 --> 00:04:03,881
if he had sent out
20 chain letters?
77
00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:09,047
Well, he was alive before
he didn't send them out.
78
00:04:09,115 --> 00:04:12,751
I'm surprised that a woman
with all your education
79
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:14,452
is being so superstitious.
80
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:15,553
Oh, I ain't.
81
00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:18,056
I just don't believe
in taking chances.
82
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:19,825
Like when we was kids
83
00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:21,927
and we used to
walk on the sidewalk,
84
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:25,130
we'd say, "Step on a crack,
break your mother's back."
85
00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:28,867
So I was always very careful
and never stepped on a crack.
86
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:31,269
But that is superstitious.
87
00:04:31,338 --> 00:04:34,573
No, it ain't. I just
love my mother.
88
00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:39,477
And she lived to be 78,
89
00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:42,313
and she never had no
trouble with her back.
90
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:45,550
Knock wood.
91
00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:46,930
What are you knocking wood for?
92
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:50,555
Nobody feels back
trouble in the ground.
93
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:53,158
I've been stepping on
cracks all my life, Edith.
94
00:04:53,227 --> 00:04:56,439
When my mother died, she was
just as healthy as your dead mother.
95
00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:04,801
Chain letters is only
sent out to dummies.
96
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,938
This one came for you.
97
00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:17,326
Well, let me show
you what I'm gonna do
98
00:05:17,350 --> 00:05:20,318
with this here one
right now. There.
99
00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:23,054
Oh, it's not a bad
shot for a white guy.
100
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:28,426
Well, I ain't gonna
take no chances.
101
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:31,963
I'm gonna mail out my
letters by midnight tonight.
102
00:05:32,031 --> 00:05:33,398
You're wasting your time.
103
00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:34,933
Chain letters is sent out
104
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,969
by nutty people to
other nutty people there.
105
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,704
Now who sent them out?
106
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,406
Irene Lorenzo.
107
00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:44,976
Oh, the top nut on a fruitcake!
108
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:46,923
I don't wanna hear
no more about it,
109
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:49,025
and I ain't gonna
have no bad luck.
110
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:51,316
Hi, Arch. I spoke too soon.
111
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,953
Don't you ever stay
in your own home?
112
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:58,523
Well, I asked him to
have dinner with us tonight.
113
00:05:58,592 --> 00:06:00,391
Is Gloria eating here, too?
114
00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:03,128
Well, if she gets through
with the store in time
115
00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:05,497
to take an inventory.
116
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,243
How long is she
gonna keep on working
117
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:08,700
in her enormous condition?
118
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:12,070
Oh, modern mothers
work right up to the time
119
00:06:12,138 --> 00:06:14,072
they become mothers.
120
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:17,375
See, Meathead, you got an
answer for everything, huh?
121
00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:20,389
Ma, I see you've
got your chain letters
122
00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:22,192
all stamped and
ready to go. Yeah.
123
00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:26,250
If we put a stamp on you,
will you be ready to go?
124
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:27,797
You know, I wish
I had a hearing aid
125
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,754
so I could turn you off.
126
00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:32,189
And whenever you
wanna turn you on me.
127
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:42,400
Mike, did you and Gloria
send out your chain letters?
128
00:06:42,469 --> 00:06:44,235
No, no, Ma. We threw ours away.
129
00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:45,870
What about you, Arch?
130
00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:48,973
No, I sent mine on airmail
right into the basket there.
131
00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:53,644
Of course I ain't got a
superstitious bone in my head.
132
00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:56,948
Archie, when we took
a walk the other night
133
00:06:57,016 --> 00:06:58,450
and you saw a black cat,
134
00:06:58,518 --> 00:07:00,685
you made us walk the other way.
135
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:04,022
Well, that ain't superstition,
that's self-preservation.
136
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,891
You can't see a
black cat at night.
137
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,040
You could trip over a
black cat and kill yourself
138
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:11,730
like your dead Uncle
Walter had done.
139
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:14,599
Did I ever meet your
Uncle Walter? No, Mike.
140
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:17,535
He died before you met Gloria.
141
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:20,672
Yeah, he missed the San
Francisco ferry by six inches.
142
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:25,410
You see, Uncle Walter
lived in San Francisco
143
00:07:25,478 --> 00:07:27,824
on top of the hill and one...
Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma,
144
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:29,948
is... is this gonna
be a long story?
145
00:07:30,017 --> 00:07:32,350
Well... 'Cause I gotta
go to the bathroom.
146
00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:34,052
Oh, well, go ahead.
147
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:35,519
I'll tell you later.
148
00:07:35,588 --> 00:07:36,632
I'll remind you.
149
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:39,357
Can I come in?
150
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:42,560
Why didn't you ask us
that when you were still out?
151
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,896
Edith, can I borrow
a can of peas?
152
00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:46,431
Oh, sure, Irene.
153
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:47,799
Hold it! Hold it!
154
00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:50,168
Don't you already
owe us a can of corn?
155
00:07:50,236 --> 00:07:53,672
Well, that's all right. We
owe her a can of asparagus.
156
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,407
So that'll even us out.
157
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:58,476
No, it won't. Asparagus
gives you body odor.
158
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:03,447
Well, go ahead. Sit
down if you have to.
159
00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:06,050
Archie, you know, someday
I'm gonna walk in here
160
00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:08,452
and you're gonna say,
"Hello, Irene" nice and sweet
161
00:08:08,521 --> 00:08:10,021
and I'm gonna drop dead.
162
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:18,796
Hello, Irene.
163
00:08:21,568 --> 00:08:23,868
Hey, hey, easy
on the couch there.
164
00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:25,570
What do you think that is, huh?
165
00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:28,439
That ain't no trampalone.
166
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,108
You're a nut, Irene, sending
out them chain letters.
167
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:33,377
You know, you got my
wife worried half to death.
168
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:35,479
What am I worried about, Archie?
169
00:08:35,548 --> 00:08:37,849
About the chain letter I
chucked into the basket.
170
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,595
Oh, Edith, don't be worried.
171
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:41,719
I just sent those for laughs.
172
00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:44,600
And you never can tell,
maybe they will bring good luck.
173
00:08:44,624 --> 00:08:46,324
It did for Sara Selkirk.
174
00:08:46,392 --> 00:08:48,459
Who's Sara Selkirk?
175
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,674
You know, she's the one that
tried for years to have a baby.
176
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,042
And then she got a chain letter
177
00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,077
and she made 20 copies,
gave it to the mailman,
178
00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:57,113
in six weeks she was pregnant.
179
00:08:57,137 --> 00:09:00,939
Oh! And you think the
chain letter had done that?
180
00:09:01,007 --> 00:09:03,341
I think the mailman
had done that.
181
00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:08,947
Excuse me!
182
00:09:09,015 --> 00:09:11,483
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Look at this.
183
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:14,586
His whole life is racing
from the john to the kitchen,
184
00:09:14,654 --> 00:09:16,499
from the kitchen
back to the john.
185
00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:19,657
To him, the living
room is only a pit-stop.
186
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,237
Excuse me. Hold it. Hold it.
187
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:24,863
What do you got there,
a Polish swizzle stick?
188
00:09:24,931 --> 00:09:27,364
No, a bigot's toothbrush.
189
00:09:27,433 --> 00:09:29,734
You wanna help me there?
190
00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:30,969
Oh.
191
00:09:31,037 --> 00:09:33,771
Uh, Mike! Mike, what happened?
192
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,320
The toilet overflowed.
193
00:09:35,374 --> 00:09:36,485
You need any help?
194
00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:37,609
I think I can manage.
195
00:09:37,677 --> 00:09:38,743
Oh, listen to that.
196
00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:40,322
He lives next door,
he eats over here,
197
00:09:40,346 --> 00:09:41,991
he ain't even got
the human kindness
198
00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:44,215
to bust his own toilets.
199
00:09:44,283 --> 00:09:48,686
Archie, do you think bad
luck is starting to come to us
200
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:51,255
because you threw your
chain letter in the basket?
201
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,868
Listen to this, listen to this.
202
00:09:52,892 --> 00:09:54,203
You're making a nervous wreck
203
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:56,527
out of this poor,
simple woman here.
204
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,029
Good night, Irene.
205
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:01,132
Or in other words, get
your can out of here.
206
00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:06,003
Hey, what do you know, Edith?
207
00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:09,707
It's his own private brand.
The Jolly Green Grouch.
208
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:16,647
Say, don't it ever strike you
that that woman don't like me?
209
00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:20,085
Archie, I wish
you wouldn't argue
210
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:21,852
with Irene so much.
211
00:10:21,921 --> 00:10:24,456
She and me is best friends.
212
00:10:24,524 --> 00:10:26,757
Well, what are we?
213
00:10:26,826 --> 00:10:29,594
Well, we ain't
friends, we're married.
214
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,176
I couldn't fix it. I
better call the plumber.
215
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,610
You better pay the plumber, too.
216
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:37,335
Oh, I better get the mop.
217
00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:40,238
Hey, Ma, something burning?
218
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:42,440
It's the chicken croquettes!
219
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,442
Burn, baby, burn!
220
00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:47,890
How do you like that?
The plumber's line is busy.
221
00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:49,392
The plumber's
line is always busy.
222
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,393
I'll call Irene. Oh, well,
you're gonna call Irene,
223
00:10:51,417 --> 00:10:52,728
I'm gonna get the
hell out of here.
224
00:10:52,752 --> 00:10:54,432
I'm going down to
Kelcy's. That's what I...
225
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:57,688
Ma, are you all right?
226
00:10:57,757 --> 00:10:59,891
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, I'm all right.
227
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:03,694
The oven door fell off
and I dropped the hot pan.
228
00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:05,329
Gee, what else can happen?
229
00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:08,199
Nothing. Edith's run
out of dead uncles.
230
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:13,971
Oh, Mike.
231
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,306
First, the toilet,
232
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:18,209
then the chicken,
then the oven door.
233
00:11:18,277 --> 00:11:22,079
I think our bad
luck is really startin'.
234
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:26,283
Yeah, and what's worse
is that this here chain letter
235
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,419
come from Saint
Timothy in Nicaragua
236
00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:30,755
telling everybody how
to have good luck, see?
237
00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:34,058
Some luck he's got
stuck in Nicaragua.
238
00:11:34,126 --> 00:11:36,861
Call me superstitious, Arch,
but I believe in chain letters,
239
00:11:36,929 --> 00:11:38,863
especially a
religious one like that.
240
00:11:38,931 --> 00:11:39,964
That is stupid.
241
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:41,499
I'm with Arch.
242
00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:43,928
I didn't get any chain letter
but I had good luck today.
243
00:11:43,970 --> 00:11:47,449
Picked up 28 fares and not
one of them pulled a knife on me.
244
00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:48,740
I don't know, fellas,
245
00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:50,787
but a customer of mine
broke a chain last year,
246
00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:52,221
and you know what
happened to him?
247
00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:53,877
No, and I don't wanna know.
248
00:11:53,946 --> 00:11:56,614
Okay. I'll tell you what
happened to his widow.
249
00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,318
Blow it out your
barracks bag, huh?
250
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,486
All them chain
letters is a racket.
251
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,088
They make millions on that.
252
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:06,057
And this one being
a Catholic one, see?
253
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:08,126
Saint Timothy in
Nicaragua there,
254
00:12:08,194 --> 00:12:11,729
don't you think the church in it
for a big rake off on the stamps?
255
00:12:12,698 --> 00:12:14,632
Are you awake?
256
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:18,702
Are you telling me the Pope
gets a kickback on chain letters?
257
00:12:18,771 --> 00:12:21,406
I didn't say that, but
figure it out yourself.
258
00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:23,508
He lives in a big
palace, don't he?
259
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,409
Got about $1,000
worth of paintings
260
00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:27,311
on his ceiling alone.
261
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:31,649
Yeah, way bigger than
Elizabeth Taylor's is.
262
00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:34,418
And he dresses better
than Jackie Monassis.
263
00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:40,724
You don't pay for all that
stuff selling meatballs.
264
00:12:40,794 --> 00:12:42,994
Okay, fellows, come on,
take your seats. Chug-a-lug.
265
00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:45,063
Oh, here goes the
chug-a-lug there, Muns.
266
00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:46,408
Come on, come on.
Get you money out.
267
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:47,877
Put your money
where your mouth is.
268
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:50,534
And you gotta take it all
in one breath, too, Muns.
269
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,248
I'll be watching your
Adam's apple there.
270
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:53,738
Oh, do I have
to, Arch? I don't...
271
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:55,584
Come on, Muns, sit down here.
Come on. You can get a round here.
272
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,019
Come on, come on.
Let's get through this.
273
00:12:57,043 --> 00:12:58,654
Put your money up. Here we go.
274
00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:00,811
Muns, you lost, you go first.
275
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:04,549
One, two, go.
276
00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:06,985
Take it easy.
277
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:08,152
Hey.
278
00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:09,665
Hey, Muns, you better
take out your teeth,
279
00:13:09,689 --> 00:13:11,422
they're slowing you down.
280
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:15,003
I can't take anymore.
281
00:13:15,027 --> 00:13:17,067
Sheesh! You didn't do
so good tonight, Muns.
282
00:13:17,096 --> 00:13:18,407
Yeah, what's the
matter with you?
283
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,709
Like I told you, I've
been feeling lousy lately.
284
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,579
So, yesterday, I went to the doctor for
some tests to see what's wrong with me.
285
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:24,847
I'll tell you what's
wrong with you.
286
00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:26,938
Your mouth is bigger
than your bladder.
287
00:13:27,673 --> 00:13:29,107
Okay, Arch, your turn.
288
00:13:29,175 --> 00:13:31,809
All right, here we
go, here we go.
289
00:13:31,878 --> 00:13:34,879
One, two, go.
290
00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:40,351
A humming bird could beat this.
291
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,386
Kelcy's.
292
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:44,888
Uh, one moment, let
me check the crowd.
293
00:13:45,958 --> 00:13:48,559
Oh, yeah. He's here.
Hold on. Hey, Muns.
294
00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:50,772
Muns, it's for you. A
dame. At least I think it is.
295
00:13:50,796 --> 00:13:52,175
She got a voice like Godzilla.
296
00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:54,365
That's my wife.
297
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,968
There's no sense in
going on. It's no contest.
298
00:13:57,036 --> 00:13:58,769
Look, I got him
beaten already here.
299
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,704
Yeah, what do you want, Ramona?
300
00:14:01,407 --> 00:14:02,706
Huh?
301
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,608
Holy gee, I'm... I'm
leaving right away.
302
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:05,977
I'll call you later.
303
00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:08,279
Hey, Muns, look how
easy Arch beat you.
304
00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:09,926
Who cares? The
doctor just told my wife
305
00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:12,450
that my tests came back
and I got infectious hepatitis
306
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:15,019
and I gotta get to the
hospital right away.
307
00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:17,421
Jeez!
308
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:18,856
Hepatitis!
309
00:14:19,725 --> 00:14:20,924
Poor Muns.
310
00:14:20,993 --> 00:14:22,827
Boy, I sure feel sorry for him.
311
00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:27,565
But as Doris Day used
to sing Que Seru Seru.
312
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,546
It goes to prove my point.
See, he didn't get no chain letter
313
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,603
and there he is with
infectious hepatitis.
314
00:14:32,672 --> 00:14:34,517
I got a chain letter
and I busted it.
315
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:36,607
Look at me. Hey, I'm
sitting here like a king.
316
00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:40,744
I'm gonna have a buck of head,
drinking a nice, big, cold beer.
317
00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:43,080
From a pitcher which
Munson infected.
318
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,532
Edith, get in here! Get in here!
319
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,634
Oh, Archie, thank goodness!
320
00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:05,236
No more bad luck, you're home...
321
00:15:05,304 --> 00:15:08,384
I want you to stay away from
me, Edith. Stay away from me.
322
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,541
I got infectious
hepatitis, Edith.
323
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,287
I caught it drinking
beer with Munson.
324
00:15:12,311 --> 00:15:13,678
Well, how did you do that?
325
00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:15,946
If I live, I'll
explain it to you.
326
00:15:16,015 --> 00:15:17,493
Don't ask me no
more questions now.
327
00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:19,597
Get on the blower over
there and call a doctor.
328
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:21,352
All right. I gotta
lay down here.
329
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:25,756
Should I call Dr. Morgan
or Dr. Shapiro?
330
00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:28,225
Morgan's only good for
headaches and colds.
331
00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:30,527
When you're really
sick, call a Jew.
332
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:34,098
Okay, honey.
333
00:15:34,166 --> 00:15:35,500
Oh, jeez.
334
00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:36,734
I was a healthy man
335
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:39,637
till Irene Lorenzo mailed
me the kiss of death.
336
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:48,245
Hello, Dr. Shapiro,
this is Edith Bunker.
337
00:15:48,314 --> 00:15:51,482
704 Hauser Street.
338
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:55,686
Would you please call
us as soon as you can
339
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:57,788
because my...
340
00:16:01,894 --> 00:16:03,794
Hello, Dr. Shapiro,
341
00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:07,231
this is Edith Bunker,
704 Hauser Street.
342
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,933
Would you please call
us as soon as you can
343
00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:12,303
because my husband Archie Bunker
344
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,672
thinks he got infectious...
345
00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:23,981
Hello, Dr. Shapiro...
346
00:16:26,085 --> 00:16:29,820
Edith, what the hell are
you doing over there?
347
00:16:29,889 --> 00:16:32,323
I'm talking to a tape recorder.
348
00:16:32,391 --> 00:16:34,725
They say, "Give the
message when it beeps,"
349
00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:37,261
but they don't give you
enough time between beeps.
350
00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:38,930
Give me that telephone!
351
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,158
I got a beep for you Shapiro.
352
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,514
I ain't got time to
wait for the doctor.
353
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:46,815
I better get over
to that freebie,
354
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,450
hippie clinic on the boulevard.
355
00:16:48,474 --> 00:16:50,007
Oh, Archie.
356
00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:53,210
They say that hepatitis
can be very serious.
357
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:55,379
My Uncle Stanley died from it.
358
00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:57,392
Don't be plantin'
me in the boneyard
359
00:16:57,416 --> 00:16:59,562
with your dead
uncles. I ain't gone yet.
360
00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:02,920
Now get away from me.
Stay away, Edith! Stay away!
361
00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:04,488
Oh, jeez, look who's here.
362
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,490
Our friendly
neighborhood hit lady.
363
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:08,459
Stay away from me,
stay away from me!
364
00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:09,627
Oh, Archie!
365
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:13,364
Will you call me as
soon as it's all over?
366
00:17:13,432 --> 00:17:16,333
If it's all over,
Edith, they'll call you.
367
00:17:23,777 --> 00:17:26,055
Hey, nurse, I gotta
see a doctor right away.
368
00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:27,223
You'll have to wait your turn.
369
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:29,191
Well, nurse, this
is an emergency.
370
00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:31,455
They're all emergencies.
You'll have to wait your turn.
371
00:17:31,517 --> 00:17:32,661
Listen, you don't know...
372
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:34,885
Hey, do like the
nurse says, pops.
373
00:17:34,954 --> 00:17:36,821
Come on, sit down, man.
374
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:40,157
What, you a wise
guy or something?
375
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:43,961
You wanna be sitting next to
a man with infectious hepatitis?
376
00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:47,265
It's better than what I got.
377
00:17:49,803 --> 00:17:52,303
Stay away from me, you!
378
00:17:52,371 --> 00:17:54,784
Oh, hey, hey, hey. Wait...
Wait a minute there, pal.
379
00:17:54,808 --> 00:17:56,719
You gotta take your turn
over there with everybody else.
380
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:58,075
It's all right.
381
00:17:58,144 --> 00:17:59,855
What do you mean "all right"?
What makes you so special?
382
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:01,411
I'm the doctor.
383
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,348
Oh, the doctor. MD.
384
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:07,984
Oh, well, listen, even so,
you gotta take me first and fast.
385
00:18:08,053 --> 00:18:09,320
I can't do that.
386
00:18:09,388 --> 00:18:11,433
But, Doctor, I've got
infectious hepatitis.
387
00:18:11,457 --> 00:18:13,535
I'm a walking
bouquet of germs here.
388
00:18:13,559 --> 00:18:16,760
What do you want me to do?
Start oozing bugs all over your joint?
389
00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:19,363
Okay, follow me. Yeah, yeah.
390
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:21,009
Here I am. What do
you want me to do?
391
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:22,911
Uh, take off your
coat and have a seat.
392
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,968
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll do
that right away, yeah.
393
00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:26,904
Jeez, I hate these tables.
394
00:18:26,972 --> 00:18:30,675
What makes you think
you have hepatitis, Mr...
395
00:18:30,743 --> 00:18:32,510
Bunker, A. Bunker.
396
00:18:32,578 --> 00:18:35,078
Uh, well, I'll tell you,
it... it started out this way.
397
00:18:35,147 --> 00:18:36,847
See, I broke a chain letter.
398
00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:39,684
And that gave you hepatitis?
399
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:42,064
Oh, I didn't have
it before I broke it.
400
00:18:42,088 --> 00:18:43,454
And then right after that,
401
00:18:43,522 --> 00:18:45,768
I was drinking beer
out of the same pitcher
402
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:49,193
with a buddy of mine who
is loaded with hepatitis.
403
00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:51,128
Well, how do you
know your friend has it?
404
00:18:51,197 --> 00:18:52,930
His wife Ramona told him.
405
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:54,977
And she got it straight
from their own doctor,
406
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:56,767
a regular white guy.
407
00:18:59,205 --> 00:19:01,250
Nothing personal, I
mean, you understand me.
408
00:19:01,274 --> 00:19:03,540
Oh, sure, I
understand you. Yeah.
409
00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:07,311
Them white doctors,
they sure knows their stuff.
410
00:19:09,548 --> 00:19:11,581
Boy, that Marcus Welby,
411
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:15,585
he must be make 15
million house calls a week.
412
00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:17,721
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
413
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,868
Uh, you got a diploma?
414
00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:34,205
From Harvard.
415
00:19:34,273 --> 00:19:36,373
I won it in a crap game.
416
00:19:38,144 --> 00:19:41,378
Well, Mr. Bunker, it's not likely
that you contacted hepatitis
417
00:19:41,447 --> 00:19:44,481
just drinking from a
pitcher, but let's have a look.
418
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:47,718
Skin color looks good.
419
00:19:47,786 --> 00:19:49,026
You, too, Doc.
420
00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:53,924
Thanks, I always liked it.
421
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:56,760
Well, hold on. What are
you looking in my eyes for?
422
00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:58,128
The beer is in my belly.
423
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:01,465
I'm... I'm looking
for signs of jaundice.
424
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:03,868
Well, hold on, hold
on. What is jaundice?
425
00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:05,502
It's yellow discoloration.
426
00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:07,238
Hold on, hold on, yellow.
427
00:20:07,306 --> 00:20:09,940
You mean my eyes are
liable to chink up on me?
428
00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:14,745
You're not exactly a liberal
thinker, are you, Mr. Bunker?
429
00:20:14,813 --> 00:20:16,847
Oh, hey, I wouldn't say that.
430
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:20,517
I got respect for everybody,
irregardless of race or color or creed,
431
00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:23,254
especially doctors working
on my personal body.
432
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:26,023
What's this?
433
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:28,792
I'm preparing a
gamma globulin shot.
434
00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:30,638
Well, ain't they got
little pills for that?
435
00:20:30,662 --> 00:20:31,996
I'm afraid not.
436
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:34,198
Does that cure me?
437
00:20:34,266 --> 00:20:35,632
Well, it should.
438
00:20:35,701 --> 00:20:38,002
But if you wants to make sure,
439
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,504
why don't you rub
my head for luck?
440
00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:53,350
Come on, Doc. Gee, I
ain't believed in that in years.
441
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:55,952
Doctor, the ambulance has
just pulled up with an emergency.
442
00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:58,222
Oh, okay, Blake. Uh,
give Bunker his shot.
443
00:20:58,290 --> 00:21:00,369
Oh, the nurse is gonna
give it to me, huh?
444
00:21:00,393 --> 00:21:03,327
Oh, jeez. Look at
the size of that needle.
445
00:21:03,396 --> 00:21:07,398
Well, I bet you can almost
harpoon a whale with that, huh?
446
00:21:07,466 --> 00:21:09,211
Oh, it's not so bad. Yeah.
447
00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:11,035
All right, Mr. Bunker,
let's have our shot.
448
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,936
Oh, yeah, sure.
449
00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:14,338
Not there.
450
00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:17,341
Oh, well, all right.
451
00:21:23,516 --> 00:21:25,215
Oh, wait a minute.
452
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:31,867
I mean, if it's gonna
go any place else,
453
00:21:31,891 --> 00:21:34,324
you better get the
doctor back in here.
454
00:21:34,393 --> 00:21:36,694
Turn around and drop your pants.
455
00:21:38,897 --> 00:21:40,531
Come on, you're a lady.
456
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,366
I'm a registered nurse.
457
00:21:42,434 --> 00:21:44,869
Believe me, yours
won't be my first.
458
00:21:45,538 --> 00:21:46,804
Drop 'em.
459
00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:49,573
You mean, all the way down?
460
00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:52,109
Mr. Bunker, I have
patients waiting out there.
461
00:21:52,178 --> 00:21:54,556
All right, all right!
Don't yell at me, huh?
462
00:21:54,580 --> 00:21:55,946
Jeez.
463
00:22:07,427 --> 00:22:08,992
Now the shorts.
464
00:22:22,074 --> 00:22:26,076
I hate to say this but a nice girl
would shoot me through the shorts.
465
00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:29,313
The shorts!
466
00:22:35,287 --> 00:22:36,953
I feel like a flasher.
467
00:22:40,793 --> 00:22:42,760
Don't be embarrassed,
Mr. Bunker.
468
00:22:42,828 --> 00:22:45,362
To me it's just another
face in the crowd.
469
00:22:56,108 --> 00:22:59,543
Oh, please, Archie, call.
470
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:03,680
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring!
471
00:23:05,818 --> 00:23:09,420
Well, Ma, Irene did it
again, she fixed the john.
472
00:23:09,488 --> 00:23:11,822
Oh, thanks, Irene.
473
00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:13,256
Any word from Archie?
474
00:23:13,326 --> 00:23:15,526
No, and I'm so worried.
475
00:23:15,594 --> 00:23:17,761
I hope it don't take four days
476
00:23:17,830 --> 00:23:20,063
for my luck to turn good again.
477
00:23:20,132 --> 00:23:22,366
Now, Edith, don't
blame yourself.
478
00:23:22,434 --> 00:23:26,504
Oh, I ain't blaming myself.
I ain't blaming nobody,
479
00:23:26,572 --> 00:23:29,840
'cause them chain letters
don't bring good luck or bad luck.
480
00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:32,509
All they do is scare
people half to death.
481
00:23:32,578 --> 00:23:34,044
You're right.
482
00:23:34,113 --> 00:23:37,414
And I ought to kick myself
for starting all this nonsense.
483
00:23:37,483 --> 00:23:39,061
But I'm sure when
Archie gets home,
484
00:23:39,085 --> 00:23:41,125
he'll be glad to do it for me.
485
00:23:42,655 --> 00:23:44,132
Edith, I'm back. Oh!
486
00:23:44,156 --> 00:23:46,724
Archie, how do you feel?
487
00:23:46,792 --> 00:23:49,426
It feels awful, Edith.
Oh, awful, Edith.
488
00:23:49,495 --> 00:23:52,929
You're gonna die when I tell
you what they'd done to me.
489
00:23:52,998 --> 00:23:55,165
Oh, look who's back again.
490
00:23:55,234 --> 00:23:58,102
Dracula's plumber.
491
00:23:58,171 --> 00:24:02,039
I'm sorry to disappoint
you, Irene, but I'm still alive.
492
00:24:02,108 --> 00:24:05,009
Oh! Gee, oh!
493
00:24:05,077 --> 00:24:07,678
Well, why are you
walking that way?
494
00:24:07,747 --> 00:24:10,313
'Cause if I walk
this way it hurts me!
495
00:24:10,382 --> 00:24:12,260
Archie, I... I gotta
say something.
496
00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:14,296
I should never have
sent you that silly letter.
497
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:16,098
I was wrong.
You're always wrong.
498
00:24:16,122 --> 00:24:17,621
And I missed my supper.
499
00:24:17,689 --> 00:24:20,157
I'll go out here to the kitchen
and scrounge for something.
500
00:24:20,226 --> 00:24:22,404
I hope you got something I
can eat standing up, Edith.
501
00:24:22,428 --> 00:24:23,627
That's all I can say to you.
502
00:24:30,736 --> 00:24:33,470
Why did you open that door?
503
00:24:33,539 --> 00:24:36,418
Well, that's the only way to
get in here from the kitchen.
504
00:24:36,442 --> 00:24:37,785
Hey, Arch, did you
hear the good news?
505
00:24:37,809 --> 00:24:38,909
Irene fixed the toilet.
506
00:24:38,978 --> 00:24:40,989
Why should that be
good news to me?
507
00:24:41,013 --> 00:24:43,413
I ain't gonna be able
to sit on it for a month.
508
00:24:43,482 --> 00:24:45,360
Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!
509
00:24:45,384 --> 00:24:46,983
You're always doing
the wrong thing!
510
00:24:48,487 --> 00:24:50,454
Help! Edith, help me up!
511
00:25:10,075 --> 00:25:12,321
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
512
00:25:12,345 --> 00:25:14,177
before a live audience.
38389
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