Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Ten down.

"French word for 'yes', three letters."

It's easy. Oui.

W-E-E.

EDITH: Archie!

Come on in, Edith, the door's open.

Oh, would you open it for me, please?

My hands are full.

Aw, jeez, what the hell did she buy now?

I'm comin', Edith.

Oh, thanks, Archie.

Here, would you hold those, please?

Two brooms? Wasn't one enough to fly home on?

Ferguson's Market was havin' a one cent sale.

If you bought one broom, they give you another one for a penny.

Yeah, but how could we use two exactly-the-same brooms?

Well, I was figurin' on givin' one to Mike and Gloria.

Aw, jeez. Well, give them the penny one.

I can't remember which was which.

The one they gave you last, Edith.

Look at all the toilet paper.

You got enough for a trip to Mexico, here.

Guess who's comin' over to Mike and Gloria's house tonight?

To their house? The Chicago Seven.

No, Sybil Gooley from Ferguson's Market.

Aw, jeez, the short-change artist at the checkout counter.

What did they invite her over for?

She invited herself.

See, she can predict,

if Gloria's baby is gonna be a boy or a girl.

How is she gonna do that?

Oh, I don't know how she does it.

It's some kind of a mysterious gift.

Well, I've heard of mind readers, but never a belly reader.

Oh, Sybil can do it real good,

she inherited it from her mother and her grandmothers,

'cause she's the seventh daughter of a seventh daughter.

Ain't that interesting? Hmm.

I wonder what that means?

It means she's always last on the line outside the can.

Hi! Hi, Daddy. Hey, Ma, guess what?

I'm showin'. Showin' what?

Can't you see?

Oh, I'm sorry, Gloria, but I don't see nothin' showin'.

Showin' what?

Ma, but... I'm sure you can see.

Maybe if I turn this way, huh?

Well, I know what you mean, Gloria,

but I don't see nothin' yet.

But, Ma, I've been waiting four months for this moment,

don't tell me you can't see it.

Oh, sure! Yeah.

Oh, yeah, there's a little somethin'. Yeah, you're showin'.

Showin' what?

Daddy, the baby!

Don't do that to your father!

Gloria, come on upstairs with me.

I got a surprise I bought for you.

Ma, what is it? Oh, I can' tell you,

it's bad enough I know, 'cause it spoiled the surprise for me.

If you're gonna do anymore showin' up there, pull down the shades.

Hi, Arch, is Gloria here?

Yeah, she's upstairs showin'.

Showin' what?

What you've done.

Oh, you mean the baby's showin'?

She thinks it's the baby, looks like a big lunch to me.

How do you like that, she's showin' already.

Gee, I wonder when the baby's gonna start to kick?

As soon as he finds out his old man's a Polack.

All right, that's it. Goodbye, I'm leavin'.

Oh, come on, come back. I didn't mean nothin' by it.

You know your grandson is gonna be half Polish?

Yeah, but I didn't think we had to tell him.

How you gonna talk to him? You gonna call him a Polack? No, no.

You gonna tell him stupid little Polish jokes? No, no.

You're gonna say, "Sonny boy, you know why they don't make ice cubes in Poland?

"Because the scientist who invented the formula died!

No, no.

"Isn't that funny, little boy?

"You wanna hear another funny one, little boy?

"You know why they don't have fly swatters in Poland?

"Because it's against the law to kill the national bird!" No, no.

I ain't gonna tell him that, no. Isn't that funny?

That's real funny, Arch. Is that the way you're gonna talk to your grandson?

No, no, no! I ain't gonna hurt his little feelings with things like that.

Let me tell you somethin', anybody who makes a Polack crack to my grandson

gets a shot in the mush from me.

I hate people that are always callin' other people names.

Now, your Irish mix.

Your Irish mix are very big on that.

With all their jokes, see.

And the mafia. Now, the mafia, they're the ones that started the Polack jokes

to take the heat off of the dagos.

No, I don't want no more of your racial jokes around here,

because I can't stand people who are always knockin' minororities.

What's the matter, my fly open?

Gloria, you better get down here,

I can't stand being with this guy alone!

Come on down, will you? What are youse doin' up there?

Be down in a minute!

Gee, they're showin'! What are they showin'? What is there to show?

I don't know, Arch, she's not supposed to show for another month.

Hey, I hope the baby's not too big?

What do you mean, big? Babies only come in one size, little.

Arch, what I mean is that Gloria's a little girl.

I just hope she doesn't have much pain when she gives birth.

Oh, well, well, you can't get around that, Meathead,

because women are supposed to have pain in childbirth.

I mean, that's one of God's commandments.

One of God's commandments?

Yes. Yes, I said the Bible. If you read it, you'd know.

It's right in the beginnin' there, in the book of Generous.

The Lord said to the women,

"In pain, shall youse bring forth children."

God said "youse"?

Yeah.

He must've been hangin' around the Lower East Side of heaven that day.

There was no New York, in heaven, dopey.

He said that in the Garden of Eden, when he told Eve not to eat the apple.

But she ate it anyhow.

And the snake was there, and he rattled on her.

And then God ever after punished women

by givin' 'em, here, what do you call, your labor pains.

First God tells women to be fruitful and multiply,

then when they do, he makes 'em suffer.

That doesn't make any sense.

It ain't supposed to make sense. It's faith.

Faith! Don't you know that?

Faith is somethin' that you'll believe

that nobody in his right mind will believe in.

Can't you see that?

So, "In pain, shall youse bring forth your children"?

Yes. Because Eve ate the apple, like I told you.

How do you know it wasn't a peach or a kumquat?

Because God didn't invent them fruits yet.

He started with the A's. A for apple. Get it?

If he started with the A's, how do you know it wasn't an avocado?

Because it wasn't. Now, you know how I know that? How?

Because, look, what you got, right there.

That's an Adam's apple, not an Adam's avocado!

Get ready, everybody!

Gloria's gonna model her new maternity blouse.

This is the way she's gonna look in her ninth month.

♪ Let me entertain you

♪ Make you smile

♪ A few tricks, some old and then some new tricks

♪ I'm very versatile

♪ Oh, I wish that I could shimmy like my sister Kate

♪ Boom! Oh! Cut that out!

♪ She shimmies like a jelly on a plate

♪ And when she shimmies on the bus, y'all say

♪ They say, boom shaka laka laka boom shaka laka laka boom ♪

What is this? The disgustin' follies, here?

Congratulations, Mr. Stivic,

you are now the proud father of a bouncing five pound pillow.

Aw. Aw, look, honey,

he looks just like you,

he's got your nose and your eyes.

He's got his whole head full of feathers.

Now, listen, cut it out. No more with this foolin'.

Archie, they're just havin' fun.

You ain't supposed to have fun with nothin' as delicate as childbirth.

Let me tell you, little girl, havin' a baby, that ain't no barrel of monkeys.

Oh! Gloria, that ain't true.

Havin' a baby can be one of the happiest times of your life.

Yeah, Michael and I have been talking about it.

And when my time comes,

he's gonna make things as pleasant as possible for me.

How's he gonna do that? Leave town?

No. I'm gonna have natural childbirth.

And when the baby's born, Michael's gonna be right there

in the delivery room to see it.

Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait.

He's gonna be what?

You heard me. He's gonna be right there. Aren't you, honey?

That's right.

You gonna be in there watchin' a terrible thing like that?

Archie, it ain't terrible.

Oh, lots of husbands today

are with their wives when they're havin' their baby.

I read an article about it once,

in the Reader's Digest.

It was called "I Am Mary's Uterus."

What the hell has a musical instrument got to do with this?

Daddy, you don't understand.

I understand that a father ain't supposed to be in the delivery room.

Jeez, even the doctors are a little ashamed to be in there.

I mean, that's one of the reasons they wear their masks.

Daddy, Michael wouldn't miss this experience for anything, would you, honey?

That's right.

Yeah, these days,

young husbands enjoy bein' in the delivery room,

watchin' their babies come into the world.

Yeah. Michael doesn't wanna be in a waiting room

and then have some nurse come hand him a bundle,

like it was an order from Colonel Sanders.

Well, why does he have to be in the delivery room?

Even the Colonel don't jump into the pot to watch the chickens cook.

Daddy, you're bein' really silly.

Michael's lookin' forward to this.

Aren't you, honey? Right.

I'm warnin' you, buddy, you better not go into that cuttin' room there.

You'll pass out in there.

Did you ever see them snippin' an umbiblical cord?

You'll pass out in there.

Daddy, would you stop tryin' to scare him?

Michael can't wait for the big day, can you, honey?

Right.

Ah, well, you're crazy, the two of youse.

The whole world is goin' to hell in a bucket, jeez!

What's the use of talkin'? No sense of decency no more.

Hey, even when Arthur the cat had kittens, we stayed away from her.

Well, we had to.

Arthur didn't like it 'cause you was always steppin' on her.

Daddy never understands anything that's new or different.

He doesn't realize what a thrilling experience this is gonna be for you.

Yeah!

So, honey, why are you bein' so quiet?

Why don't you tell him how you feel?

Oh, uh, you're doin' fine without me.

Michael, speak up.

Uh, well...

To be perfectly honest with you, I, uh...

What?

Well, I... I never, uh...

I don't know how I'm gonna react.

I've never been in the delivery room before.

Neither have I.

Yeah, but, honey, you're gonna be there for a reason.

Me? I'll just be standin' around, gettin' in everybody's way.

You get in the way in there, you're liable to lose an organ or two.

I'm getting the feeling that you're not exactly thrilled

about this beautiful experience we plan to share together.

Honey, uh, I... I never was exactly thrilled.

But you kept saying you were thrilled.

Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.

No, no, you kept saying I was thrilled.

And I was hoping I would be.

But, uh, to tell you the truth, uh,

I don't think I can be in the room with you when you deliver.

You didn't mind being in the room with me when you placed the order!

Now you wanna back out!

Oh, Gloria, try to understand.

Oh, I do. I understand. But tell me one thing.

When I'm in that delivery room, how do I back out, hmm?

Ah.

Great meal, honey.

That pot roast was never better.

Really outdid yourself tonight, Gloria.

Oh, that meal was tops!

Thank you, Michael.

You're welcome, Gloria.

I love you.

Thank you.

I wanna tell you that this has been a gala day.

And a gal a day's enough for any man.

Oh, come on, honey.

We've always talked things out in the past.

Don't give me the silent treatment.

You realize it's been hours since you said one word to me?

Oh, you want one word? I'll give you one word.

Chicken. Oh, come on.

Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Gloria!

You're acting childish. No, you are.

You don't even have the guts to be with your own wife when she's having your baby!

You just wanted all the fun, huh?

Hit-and-run.

But when the chips are down and I need you there, where are you?

Nowhere.

I was better off with the silent treatment.

Gloria, try to put yourself in my place.

No, you put yourself in my place.

Now, what if you were having the baby?

And you'd planned on me being there and then I backed out on you?

What would you think of me?

I'd think you were chicken, like me.

Gloria, just because I don't wanna be in the room with you,

doesn't mean I don't want the baby.

I want the baby.

Oh, you want a baby? Okay, chicken.

Here's an egg, go hatch one.

Hello!

Oh, Mike. Hi!

I brought a cake over for when Sybil Gooley gets here.

Gloria's in the kitchen.

Oh. Gloria?

Oh, hi there, Meathead. Hi.

What are you so down in the mouth for?

You made the right decision to stay out of that cuttin' room.

You took my advice for once in your life.

All I got to say is, congratulations, put it there.

First time in six years I shook your hand,

you've been walkin' around with an egg in it the whole time?

The sink, the water, the towel, something, huh?

Look at what this guy done. Jeez.

Oh, boy, I can't wait to taste that cake, Ma.

I can't wait for Sybil Gooley to get here

and tell us whether you're gonna have a boy or a girl.

Oh, Ma, you don't really believe in that, do you?

Aw, jeez, you're still on that Sybil Gooley malarkey?

Oh, it's gonna be fun, you gonna love it, Archie.

It's like a magic show.

If you believe in it, it's fun.

Oh, if she's such a hot predictor, how come at the market,

she's gotta open up the paper bags

to tell whether you bought cherries or grapes?

That's 'cause she only does babies, she don't do fruits.

I wish she'd get here,

I'm anxious to find out what you're gonna have.

Ain't you, Mike?

If he was, Ma, he'd be in the delivery room with me.

Hey, you know, this is a nice chair here,

let this be my chair when I'm over here, huh?

That must be Sybil Gooley.

Aw, jeez, the dame with the x-ray eyes.

Hi, Sybil! Come on in. Hi, Sybil!

Let me take your coat. I came straight from work.

Listen, I'm readin' a lady in her eighth month at 9:00 sharp.

So I got 20 minutes tops.

Hi Archie, where's Gloria? Hi. Hi.

She's in the kitchen. Yeah, but before you see her,

I want your expert opinion on somethin' here, Sybil.

Have a look at that.

What do you think I'm gonna have, a boy or a girl?

You? You're gonna have twin six packs.

Why don't you sit down?

Yeah, oh, but not in my chair, Sybil, over there, huh? Here.

Hot coffee! SYBIL: Oh, Gloria, there you are.

Oh, hi, Sybil. You look adorable.

Thanks. Listen, I ain't got much time.

So, come on, let's see what we got over here,

lay down on the couch and give me your wedding ring.

Get out of the way, Mike.

Well, I don't see how you're gonna see into a girl's stomach.

Unless she's got a keyhole for a bellybutton.

Listen, I never miss, and I'm never wrong.

I'm gonna give her the ring on a string test.

Well, how does it work?

You hold the string over the baby,

and if it swings back and forth, it's a boy,

if it swings in a circle, it's a girl.

Now, everybody quiet. Shh!

Shh. Shh.

Shh! Shh.

What is this? Lights out at the reptile house?

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, beginnin' to move.

It's beginnin' to move, it's startin' to move.

There it goes, there it goes.

Ain't this mysterious?

Yeah, it's crapola, too.

Here it goes. It's movin'. It's movin'.

It's movin', it's movin' back and forth.

Yeah. It's startin' to move back and forth,

What's that? That means, that's means it's gonna be a boy.

Gonna be a boy? It looks like it's gonna be a boy.

Yeah, yeah! It's gonna be a boy!

Here it goes, it's a boy!

It's a boy!

No, no, it's not gonna be a boy. Hey! Wait a...

What are you doin'? What?

No, it's startin' to go round.

It's round. It's goin' around.

When it goes in a circle that means it's a girl.

Don't let it do that! It's a girl.

When it swings in a circle, it's gonna be a girl!

Well, make it go the other way, back and forth.

Daddy! Shh!

Don't do that, you're blowin' it into a female.

Back and forth, back and forth. No. In a circle!

In a circle! Will you stifle yourself here?

Shut up, everybody! It's swingin' back and forth.

Back and forth. Come on. There it is. It's goin' back and forth.

It's gonna be...

I think it's gonna be a... Gloria.

Gloria... Huh?

Keep it goin'! It's no question about it.

It's swingin' back and forth. Yeah.

Yeah. It's gonna be a boy!

A boy!

There it is. I'm a winner, we're gonna have a boy.

I thought you said it was crapola?

Well, yeah, until I seen it with my own eyes.

I was hopin' it would be a girl.

But boys are nice, too.

Well, listen, it didn't take much time,

I got some time for coffee and cake.

Oh, good! Okay!

Hey, Sybil.

Uh, Ma tells me that you have three children?

No, four. Everybody forgets Melvin.

How come they forget Melvin?

He was born durin' a garbage strike, so nobody noticed.

Why? Why do you ask, Mike?

Well, uh,

when you were givin' birth, did you... did you have much pain?

Sure, I had plenty.

But you got nothin' to worry about.

It ain't gonna hurt you.

Certainly she had pain.

I told you that, it's in the Bible.

They mentioned me in the Bible?

The Lord, in the Bible, said to the women,

"In pain shall youse bring forth children."

And you know why the Bible said that?

Yeah, because the Bible was written by men.

That's right. Matthew, Mark, Luke...

Sure, there wasn't no Patty, Maxine or Laverne.

Here's your beer. Yeah, you're a good girl.

I know.

You men, you're such cowards, you're so afraid of pain.

If you had to give birth, nobody'd ever get born.

Can I ask you somethin' else?

Uh... Your husband, was he with you in the delivery room?

My Harry?

Let me tell you somethin' about my Harry,

with our first three babies, he drove me to the hospital,

but with our fourth baby,

when I said "Harry, it's time",

he hands me the keys to the car.

So your husband wasn't with you in the delivery room?

Oh, no. My Harry couldn't do somethin' like that.

Then he missed the biggest thrill of his life!

Oh, I'll never forget when Gloria was born.

Don't make this long, Edith.

That hurt me.

The doctor said it was so easy.

He started telling jokes!

And me and the nurses was all laughin'!

And then I heard the baby's first cry.

Oh, my, look, I got goose pimples thinkin' about it.

Do you remember that, Sybil?

Oh, they was the most thrillin' moments in my whole life.

I was only sorry that my Harry

wasn't there to hear it with me.

I was lookin' at the doctor.

And I could see the whole miracle of Gloria's birth

right in his eyes.

And the only thing I could think of was,

I wish they was Archie's eyes.

Oh, leave me out of it.

That hurt me!

Listen, Sybil, I don't care about nothin' else,

but the ring in a string test was swell,

I just hope it works.

Well, listen. If you want a second opinion,

I can always give her the Drano test.

The, uh, t-the what? The Drano test? What's that?

Well, you pour a little Drano into a porcelain dish,

and the pregnant woman spits into it.

And then what happens?

What happens is, there's a dish I ain't never gonna eat out of.

Oh, honey, are you sure? Yes.

Yes, I figured, there'll be plenty of room for me in that delivery room,

I won't get in anybody's way.

Oh, come on, that's not the reason you changed your mind.

No.

I figured,

if you're gonna see our baby's birth in somebody's eyes,

I want 'em to be mine.

I love you.

Unless I pass out.

Well, if you do, I'll have the doctor give you mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Make it the nurse and you got yourself a deal.

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.