Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Hey, Ma, thanks for the use of your tub.

Oh, anytime, Mike.

What did you say was wrong with yours,

it's all stuffed up?

Yeah, with Gloria.

She's been parked in there for over 45 minutes.

Oh, well, you've got to remember, Mike,

with the baby coming along, she's washing for two.

Oh, my! Look at the time.

Archie'll be home any minute

and his breakfast better be on the table.

He's been driving Mr. Munson's cab all night.

Mike, would you like some breakfast?

Oh, no. No, no, Ma. When I moved next door,

I swore I would never eat here again

and have Archie call me a moocher.

Buttermilk pancakes.

I'll have six to go.

Hi, Edith.

Edith, I'm home. Come over here. Oh, here's Archie now.

Coming!

Whoop-dee-doo, whoop-dee-doo!

How was your night?

Oh, wait till you hear what happened to me tonight, Edith.

Hi, Arch.

Aw, jeez! Look at this.

Are you moving back or were you just paying us

a short visit in your Polish tuxedo?

He's... He's sorry, Mike.

Come on, tell us the news.

Oh, Edith, you're looking at a hero.

What I done in my cab tonight, you'll never guess.

You picked up a Puerto Rican.

I said I was a hero, not a daredevil.

Get out of the way.

What I'd done was a good deed

for a lady passenger in big trouble.

Archie, you delivered a baby?

Edith, how the hell are you gonna get hot water in a cab?

What... What happened?

Well, things was kind of slow, see,

so I cruised over to Kennedy.

Kennedy Airport?

No, Cape Kennedy. I'm looking to pick up a fare to the moon.

Will you stifle yourself

and let me finish the story here, huh?

Get out of the way. Get over there.

Sit down there, Edith, huh? Now listen to me.

I'm over at Kennedy about 10 minutes,

when all of a sudden, this big, tall,

beautiful-looking classy dame hops into the cab.

And she says to me, "The Northern Motor Inn, please."

The Northern Motor Inn.

That's right around here.

That's where they put me up when I did jury duty.

Oh, I'll never forget it.

My room was on the 10th floor.

Don't say nothing, huh, Edith?

That's just what the judge said.

He... He told us not to say nothing to nobody.

So whenever I got on the elevator

and the operator asked, "Floor, please?"

I'd just raised 10 fingers.

Can't you see that your little story

is killing my big story?

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.

So... Tick a lock.

What?

Tick a lock.

Don't you remember?

When you were a kid, and somebody told you

something that you wasn't supposed to tell to nobody else,

you went tick a lock and your lips were sealed.

Well, do that and shut up also.

Now, where was I?

Uh, lady got into your cab.

Yeah, lady got into my cab.

So, I'm driving along there about 6:30 in the a-of-m,

and I'm making a small chitter-chatter, you know.

And all of a sudden, it hits me.

For about 15 minutes, she ain't been saying nothing at all.

See, but that ain't natural for a dame, especially a big one.

So, I check in the rear-view mirror

and I see she ain't sitting there.

Archie, you forgot to take her along.

Tick your lock and swallow the key. I'm driving here.

All right, she ain't there.

So, I pull the cab over to the side there, you see?

And I stop it like this here. All right?

Open the door, get out of the cab.

You forgot to close the door.

That's all right, don't worry. I'll take care of it.

So, Edith, I look in the back and there she is on the floor

cold as a mackerel.

So, I hop into the cab, back, see,

and the first thing I notice is that she ain't breathing.

That's 'cause you're standing on her chest.

Shut up, you!

So now, thinking quick, I start giving her

mouth-to-mouth restitution there.

And finally, she starts comin' around.

Archie, do you know what you done?

Sure, I just been telling you what I done!

Now, along comes this colored cop, see?

And he wants to take over the mouth-to-mouth.

But I'm thinking fast. I say, "No."

I send him for the ambulance, you know.

Because, listen, if you give a person

the wrong breath type, you could kill that person.

She could've wound up with a black lung.

That's right.

Archie, you saved a human life. Yeah.

You are a hero. Yeah.

Oh!

But not in front of the boy, Edith.

Just set the table for breakfast and set for two.

He don't live here no more.

Oh, right away. Yeah.

Hey, Arch, where did you learn

mouth-to-mouth resuscitation anyway?

Down at the plant. They got a big poster in the john

telling you all about it.

I read it thousands of times sitting there.

Oh, Archie.

Mr. Munson must've been tickled

when you told him what you done.

To him.

All he says to me is, "Bonehead, you forgot to collect the fare."

How do you like that? Saying a thing like that

and I'm faced with a woman laying there prostate?

I suppose he wanted me to pick her purse.

Now, I couldn't do a thing like that.

You're right. That's no time to think of money.

Yeah, that's right. How would I know what to tip myself anyhow?

So, I left my name, address and phone number at the hospital, see,

so she can get in touch with me

when she gets out of, what you call, expensive care.

Oh.

Well, that's nice, Archie. Yeah.

All Munson cared about was the money, huh?

Well, listen, he felt a lot better when I told him

all the publicity he's gonna get

when this thing breaks in the papers.

You mean there was a reporter there? No.

Well then who's gonna tell the papers?

You are, buddy.

Oh, no, no, wait a second. Get over here.

Get over here. Oh, wait... wait a minute.

Get on the phone and call the Long Island Press here,

and you tell them the whole story like you seen it.

Yeah, but, Arch, I didn't see it. I wasn't there.

You're the one who should call the paper.

I can't do that. Why not?

Because heroes are supposed to be shy.

In World War II, did George C. Patton

call the papers every time he blew up Italy?

Come on, get on the horn here, it's costing us money.

No, no, Arch. I can't. You're the one who's got to make the phone call.

I can't. Come on.

I can't. I'll tell Gloria what you did, she'll be real proud of you.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Maybe Gloria can call the paper for me.

No, no, she can't, Arch. Why not?

The phone won't reach to the tub.

What the hell is he talkin' about?

Archie, you know something?

I ain't been so proud of you

since Uncle Willie cut his finger

carving the Christmas turkey and you stopped the bleedin'

by tyin' it up with the string they use

to tie up the turkey's you-know-what with. Remember?

How can you do that all in one breath?

Well, ever since I was a little girl...

Cut! Come here.

Put the pancakes over there. Get to the phone.

I want you to do something.

I want you to call up the Long Island Press.

What'll I tell 'em?

You're just gonna tell 'em the story I told you here.

The whole truth.

You wanna report a hero. Okay?

Oh, all right. All right.

Now, I'll dial Information, see? Oh.

Get the number of the paper.

And when you get the paper,

you ask for the guy that runs the front page, see?

Meantime, I'll be upstairs reading in the library.

Hello, operator, would you please

give me the number of the Long Island Press?

Oh, uh...

Excuse me, operator, I can't talk to you now.

I'll call you back later. Yeah. Goodbye.

Coming!

Oh, hello. Hello.

Is this the Bunker residence?

Yeah, I'm Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, I'm Beverly LaSalle. Is your husband home?

Well, he's busy right now.

I got your address from the hospital.

Mr. Bunker saved my life this morning.

Oh, you're the one. Well, come on in.

Well, uh, sit down.

Here, wait a minute. I'll give you...

Here.

Well, how are you feelin' now?

Oh, much better now. Thank you.

The doctors said it was complete exhaustion.

I'd been working very hard, and I guess I was just worn out.

Oh, well, it's good thing you wore out with Archie.

'Cause he learned how to save people's lives

in the toilet at work.

Oh, he saved mine in a cab.

It was foolish of me to work three shows a night

for 10 weeks straight without a night off.

Are you in show business?

Yes.

I'm a female impersonator.

Ain't that interesting?

You know that's smart, too.

I mean,

who can imitate a female better than a lady?

I'm afraid you don't understand Mrs. Bunker.

I'm a transvestite.

Well, you sure fooled me.

I mean, you ain't got no accent at all.

Thank you.

I... I really can't stay very long.

I just wanted to thank your husband personally.

But, well, you say he's busy?

Uh, not anymore.

Archie, uh, come on down, you got a visitor.

I ain't receiving, Edith.

Oh, it's the lady whose life you saved this morning.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, her!

Oh, listen, hang on to her. I'll be right down.

H-He'll be right down. Thank you.

Would you like some coffee?

Oh, not a thing. Thank you.

I'm already late for rehearsals.

I'm opening tonight at the new Pink Tiger Theater.

On Northern Boulevard? Yes.

That used to be the old Pink Tiger.

Well, well, well, well, well.

Gee, here you are. Well, good to you see you.

The last time I seen you, you was laid out pale as a goat.

How're you feeling?

Oh, just fine. Thanks to you knowing exactly what to do.

Oh, listen, it was a pleasure.

I just wish there was some way I could express my appreciation.

Well, I can't think of nothing, except,

well, maybe the cab fare plus whatever.

Oh, my goodness, I completely...

Wasn't that silly of me?

Here. This should cover it.

Oh, wait a minute. The fare was only eight and a quarter.

I can't break that bill. Oh, that's all for you. I insist.

Do you know that this is a $50?

Yes.

Well... Okay, I never say no to a lady.

I was telling your wife, Mr. Bunker, I'm no lady.

Ah.

Well, listen,

how you earned this $50 is no business of mine.

I will just say, "Thank you, miss."

Unless youse girls like to be called "Ms."?

Why don't you call me "mister"?

I would never have guessed she was a man

until she took his hair off.

I mean, until he took her hair off.

Well, anyway, his hair came off and there she was, a man.

I can imagine the look on Archie's face.

Yeah. It was kind of like the look he had on his face when he first met you.

Yeah, I remember that look.

Like a cow that just stepped on its own udder.

Ooh, I wish I had been there for the unveiling.

Oh, Mike, now, please, don't tease Archie.

He feels very funny about this.

I mean, he ain't never even hugged a man before.

Ma, would I tease Archie, a sensitive guy like me?

You got any cake to go with this milk? Yeah.

Hi, Edith. Edith, I'm home.

There's Archie. Here, you help yourself, Mike.

Here, Archie!

Oh, jeez, Edith, I'm still like this here.

Where did you go?

Down to the drug store, we'd run out of laborosis.

Hey, Arch.

Hold this.

You're back, huh? What'd you come over to mooch this time?

Nothin', Arch.

I just ran over because I was feeling a little bit faint.

Get him out of my house!

You told him and I told you not to say one word to nobody!

Mike is family.

Gloria is family.

What's standing behind me is an accident of marriage.

Arch, what are you ashamed of?

You're a hero. You saved a life.

Yeah, lifeguards give mouth-to-mouth all the time.

Listen, Edith, lifeguards' victims is always wearing bathing suits.

So lifeguards know who they're mouth to mouthin'.

This freak took my breath under an assumed sex.

Arch, the man is not a freak.

Outside of wearing women's clothes,

he could be just like anybody else.

Well, I'd never let my sister marry one or my brother neither.

Let me ask you one question.

Don't ask me nothin'.

I don't want to hear no more about it.

It's over and done and forgotten. Case closed.

Just one question.

Ain't you got no ear holes?

I said, "Case closed."

If you had known that that guy was a man, would you have saved his life?

Dumb question. 'Cause I didn't know.

Yeah, but if you had known, what would you have done?

I suppose I would have got a fag fireman.

So, all right, so you're saying that if you knew

he was a transvestite, you would've let him die.

Oh, Mike, no. ARCHIE: Aw, jeez!

Archie wouldn't have done that

because Archie is a good Christian.

That's right.

Of course, he might have closed his eyes

when their lips was pressed together.

Don't help me over there, will you?

Just tick your lock.

- I'll get it. - I'll get it.

I'll get that. I'll get that!

Get out of here. You don't live here no more.

Get over there and tick your lock.

What?

Oh, it's you, huh, Munson?

No, no. I didn't tell the paper

'cause I don't want no publicity.

What do you mean "hero"? Don't tell me nothin' about heroes.

The best heroes is the unstrung heroes.

Hey, hey, don't come over here.

I ain't gonna be here. I'm going down to Kelcy's.

Goodbye, you jerk.

What?

You still didn't answer my question. Oh, here we go again.

If you had known he was a transvestite,

would you have let him die? Aw, jeez! Edith...

Mike, Archie would not let him die.

It says in the Bible, "Love thy neighbor as you love yourself."

There. W-W-Wait a minute. It also says in the Bible

that a witness shall not bear falsies against thy neighbor.

Which is what that fag bore up against me.

Fag? You don't even know what you're talking about.

It just so happens that the majority of transvestites are heterosexual.

That's what I said, "fagolists."

Not homosexual, heterosexual.

You'd be surprised how many married guys with kids are transvestites.

How is it you know so much about these things?

Let me see your underwear.

Just give me a straight answer. No! No! Let me out of here!

Would you have saved the man?

Yes, yes, all right. I would've saved the man. Yes!

Even if I'd have known he was a transvoisal.

But in that case, I would've blew into him through my hat.

Ma, you know what's nice about Archie?

What?

You can't think of anything either, huh?

Here you go, Prince Charming.

What's that supposed to mean?

Munson told me how you gave the kiss of life to a sleeping beauty.

What's the big deal?

A woman passes out, so I give mouth-to-mouth, that's it.

And you get a big kick out of doing it, huh?

You're an animal. Huh?

Everything you hear passes right down to your carnival instinct.

This was a human being in trouble.

Stretched out like a dead fish.

And you kissed that?

I didn't kiss nobody.

I was trying to save a life.

Them people got as much right to life as anybody else.

What people?

Dying people.

Put a head on the beer and shut up.

Okay, okay, coming right...

Listen, Archie, after what you've done,

all your drinks is on the house.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

As long as you keep it under two.

Oh, funny, funny.

Hey, Arch, I want you to meet Jim Kitchener.

From the Long Island Press. Oh, hey, hey, hey!

Munson, I told you I didn't want no publicity.

Yeah, but think of the publicity I can get for my cab.

I don't care nothin' about that.

Our paper wants to make you, uh, Citizen of the Week, Bunker.

I... I don't want to be the Citizen of the Week.

And here's a check for a $100 that goes with the honor.

What can I tell you, Mr. Koocher?

Kitchener. Whatever.

Everything. Just tell me how it all happened. Start from the beginning.

Oh, at the beginning, Well, I was over in Kennedy driving my...

Oh, there you are, Mr. Bunker.

Holy cow!

I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, but I forgot something.

No. No, you didn't forget nothin'.

You paid me my whole fare and something else besides.

You wouldn't be the one whose life he saved?

Yes, I would. Well, I'm Jim Kitchener from the Long Island Press.

Oh. Say, I'd like to get a shot of the two of you together.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it! Wait a minute.

Before you start anything like that, I'd like to have

a couple of words in private with this lady, if you don't mind.

You don't mind, do you now? Oh, no, no.

Just step right over here. Way over there.

What're you doin' here? How did you find me?

Well, I called your house. Your son-in-law said he'd be sure you were here.

I'll kill him later.

Well, you know, I'm opening tonight

at the new Pink Tiger...

Theater, and I wanted you and your wife to be my guests for the show.

Oh, yeah, yeah, all right. We're very much obliged, but listen,

while you're in here, for God's sakes, don't take off the hair.

I mean, not even for laughs.

Because these guys in here, they ain't liberal thinkers.

Like you and me.

You know what I mean?

Yes, I think I do.

Good. Good.

Thanks a lot for the invite and if you're in a hurry, feel free to leave.

I'm on a rehearsal break. But first, which way is the men's room?

Can't you hold it in?

No, I need to use the sand box.

Right through that door. Thank you.

Now, the way it happened here, Mr. Koocher...

Well, where is he?

He went to the men's room.

Why did you let him go there?

Because I'm tidy.

Hey, Arch, you're gonna split that 100 bucks with me, aren't you?

Since it all happened in my cab.

Heroes don't split nothin' with nobody.

Oh, boy!

Bunker, I just saw your lady friend in the men's room.

Yeah, she couldn't hold it in.

She must've made a mistake.

No way, I was a medic in the army. There's no mistake.

That's a guy in drag.

No, you must've been seeing things.

I'm already late for rehearsal,

so maybe we better get on with the interview.

Is something showing?

All right, Bunker, exactly what happened?

All right. I-I-I'll explain everything that happened.

Let me tell it. Yeah, but you ain't gonna say nothin', are you?

Well, the first thing I remember is I felt faint in the cab,

and then Mr. Bunker pulled over to the curb.

And the next thing I remember, when I came to,

I was being given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation by a truck driver.

Truck driver? Oh, you mean cab driver.

No, no, it wasn't Mr. Bunker. It was a truck driver.

Yeah, yeah, a truck driver it was.

A great big guy.

B-Bigger than her. Bigger than him. Her.

Yeah, and he had big, fat lips on him. He could've blew up a tire.

Then why'd you take the credit?

Why?

Because it was your quick thinking.

Mr. Bunker pulled over to the curb.

Yeah, yeah, to call the truck driver.

What... What driver? Did you get his name?

No, there was no name. But he was wearing blue overalls, right?

Right. And he, uh, needed a shave

and he'd been eating chili with onions.

Yeah, a thing I never eat.

How do I find this guy?

Call the teamsters. Try a hospital.

Good idea.

And remember, it happened in Munson's cab.

That's spelt M-U-N-S-O-N.

Aw, jeez!

All right, Mr. Bunker?

Aw, aw, jeez, beautiful.

Now, let me tell you something... Oops!

Sorry, fella.

I just wanted to say to you, Beverly,

for a dame, you're one hell of a guy.

Oh, jeez!

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.