Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Archie, you've been up there a long time.

What are you doin'?

It's personal, Edith.

Oh.

Would you like me to bring up your newspaper to read?

It ain't that kind of personal, Edith.

Oh.

Hi, Ma. Oh, hi, Mike.

Is Gloria here?

Gloria phoned.

She said to tell you she'd be working late tonight.

Oh. Well.

I guess I'll just have to eat leftover pizza.

Cold. Oh.

All by myself. Oh.

In that lonely house. Oh, Mike.

I'd ask you to eat with us...

I accept. What are we having?

Stewed tomatoes and cottage cheese.

I'll heat up the pizza.

Is, uh, Archie still on that crazy diet?

Oh, yeah. And he's exercisin' a lot, too.

Every morning he touches his toes 20 times

and he does knee bends...

Uh, w-w-wait a minute. Wait a minute, M-Ma.

Archie touches his toes 20 times?

Yeah. While he's doin' the knee bends.

Hey, who you talkin' to down there, Edith?

It's Mike.

Oh, well, tell him to get his face out of the refrigerator.

For your information, my face is not in your refrigerator.

Oh, yeah?

Well, get your butt out of my chair.

Ma, what is it with Archie these days?

I mean, I don't ever remember him carin' about how he looked.

Oh, Archie was always very proud of his body.

Why?

Hey, Ma, I don't want to worry you,

but do you think maybe Archie's startin' to fool around?

Oh, Mike.

Oh!

Oh, not Archie.

He ain't been interested in women since the day we was married.

Youse noticed somethin', huh?

Archie, you dyed your hair.

No. I rinsed it, Edith. This here is a rinse.

You got any left over? I'd like to rinse my shoes.

Oh.

You forgot to do your eyebrows.

Ah, to hell with them. Nobody looks at eyebrows, Edith.

I put it all right on the top of my head

and I had to do it all at one time, you know.

'Cause I want the boss to see this first thing in the mornin'.

Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.

You look like you looked when we first started going together.

Look, Edith, this is for business. It ain't for romance.

Old man Harris, the dispatcher, is retirin' next week,

and one of us guys from the loadin' dock's gonna be promoted into that job.

And they're givin' it to the man with the blackest hair?

No. But if you look young, you stand a better chance nowadays.

So my hair looks young.

And thank God I always had young skin.

Huh? Look at that.

Not a varicose vein in sight there.

Oh, that's right. Just a few liver spots.

Them is freckles.

That's a sign of youth, Edith. You got any of them?

No. Get out of here.

Arch, what are you going through all this trouble for?

You got a good chance for that promotion.

You got seniority at the plant, right?

No, but I've been there the longest.

Ain't... Ain't Black Elmo been there as long as you?

Oh, yeah, Edith, but Black Elmo is colored.

A colored guy ain't got a Chinaman's chance.

Besides, Elmo is rootin' for me to be the dispatcher

'cause then I'm gonna make him the foreman. See?

And that's as high as them people go.

What did you call Justice Thurgood Marshall?

Foreman of the Supreme Court?

If that's what he does there.

Edith, I gotta get this promotion.

You know, before I'm so old that nobody wants me no more.

Oh, Archie, there'll never be a time when I don't want you.

Even when your hair goes grey again.

To match your eyebrows.

I'm surprised you ain't eatin' somethin'.

That's a good idea. Oh, jeez.

Oh, I'll get it.

Yeah, I hope it's the coast guard.

If it is, tell 'em our kitchen's been attacked by Jaws.

Oh, hi, Irene. Hello.

Here's that yarn I said I'd pick up for you.

Well?

Edith, does Archie know he's got a black cat on his head?

See, Archie's tryin' to look young for the dispatcher's job,

so he touched it up.

Edith, don't tell her nothin'.

Stop rootin' around up there.

You think darker hair is gonna get you the dispatcher's job?

Let's just say that I'm the one that they're gonna pick.

Unless they pick me.

Ah. Hey, Irene, how would you like a nice home cooked meal?

Hey, that sounds good.

Go home and cook one.

Walked into that one.

Oh, Irene, he didn't mean nothin'.

Archie was paying you a compliment.

You're a very good cook.

You know what's the best part about visiting you, Archie?

What?

Leaving you.

Good night, Edith.

Oh, Irene, thanks for the yarn.

You want your dinner now?

Yeah, but I gotta lose weight, Edith.

I hope you remember my diuretic cottage cheese.

Oh, yeah. Right away.

I hate the taste of that stuff.

Hey, Edith, Edith, do you think

you could crush a cookie over the cottage cheese?

Ah, that's cheatin', Arch.

Ah, shut up. Who asked you, anyway?

You're always pokin' your face into other people's concerns.

Jeez.

Can't you eat without chewin'?

How?

Just shut your big yap.

Why do you think God gives you lips?

To close in the noise.

All right, all right.

Don't take it out on me just because you're worried about gettin' that job.

But can you imagine Irene Lorenzo

thinkin' that she is gonna get that job over me

with all that grey hair of hers?

Oh, she just might get the job, Arch.

You know, nowadays the government is pressuring companies

into hirin' more women into executive positions.

I know, I know. It's a crime against nature.

Women was created for two things.

Makin' meals and babies.

Oh, boy.

There you go again with that 19th century thinkin' of yours.

Well, it's true. Look at your cave women.

Why do you think your cave women was created

with short legs and fat butts?

I don't know, Arch. But I'm sure you got a good answer.

Yeah.

So they couldn't run fast.

So the men could catch 'em and force them to make the meals and the babies.

Well, weren't there any cave women with long legs and skinny butts

that could run faster than the men?

Well, them the men would have to bring down with a rock.

Now I'm startin' to catch on.

And what about the cave men

with short legs and fat butts that couldn't catch any women?

Well, they was probably your first fags.

I gotta get out of here.

I'm arguing about cavemen with a caveman.

Hey, Bunky.

Hey, Elmo.

What are you doin' around our block?

News, man. I brought you some news.

Oh, come on in. Come on in.

Jeez, good to see you. Good to see you. How you doin'?

It just hit me.

Twenty years we're working together,

this is the first time you're inside of my house.

Could be 'cause you never invited me.

Oh, Elmo.

You know you're welcome here at any time at all.

D-D-Did I invite you tonight?

No, you're still battin' a thousand.

Say, Bunky, I like what you did to your hair.

Ah, you noticed that, huh?

Hey.

Come on in. Come on in.

Come on. Make yourself at home. Sit down over here.

Oh, oh, b-b-but not in my chair.

Yeah, it's just my personal chair.

You can sit any place on the sofa. Here.

Sit where my son-in-law usually sits. There.

Now what's the news?

I've got some scam that might help you land a certain job

where you can make it easy for me.

Oh, great. Great. Hey, uh, you wanna stay to supper?

Can't make it.

Swell.

What's the, what do you call, scam?

Tonight, I heard,

that the boss was into a new charity

which he was gonna ask us all to sign up for next week.

Well, what's that got to do with the job?

Well, if you go into Sanders' office tomorrow

and sign up for that charity before anybody else,

you've got to be his fair-haired boy.

Even with that hair.

Look, I have to go. Oh, hey, hey, listen.

Gee, that's a great idea.

I'll do that. First thing in the mornin' at work

I'll just get in there and I'll sign up for that thing.

You really... You really think this looks good, huh?

Hey, if that black spreads to the rest of you,

you're going to be beautiful all over.

Thank you, Mr. Sanders. Oh, you're entirely welcome.

We deeply appreciate your company's interest in our project.

Mr. Scott, we always cooperate with any worthwhile charity.

Well, you can't find a better one than the organ bank.

We desperately need eyes, kidneys, hearts.

Any functional organs of the body.

Well, our employees are happy to give anything

that doesn't come out of their paycheck.

I'll come by tomorrow with some pamphlets.

All right, fine. I'll see you then.

Oh, excuse me. You got it.

Uh, good mornin', uh, Mr. Sanders, there.

Uh, could I, uh, talk to you for a minute, sir?

Who are you?

Mr. Sanders, I'm Archie Bunker from the loadin' dock.

What did you do to yourself? You look different.

Younger, huh? No. Different.

Oh.

Well, Mr. Sanders, the reason I'm here is

I heard you was interested in a certain charity, you know.

And I wanted to come down early so I'd be the first one to donate.

Oh. That's very commendable of you, Bunker.

We need every body we can get.

Oh. Well, I'll give anything I can.

Ah, wonderful. Here. Just sign there.

Oh, oh, sign, huh?

We collect later.

Oh. Painlessly, huh? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

I'll just sign,

and then I'll get right down to the loadin' dock, Mr. Sanders,

because I always like to be the early worm to work, you know.

As you can tell from looking at my work record

if you ever have any reason to be lookin' at that.

Oh, I just may be doing that, Bunker.

Yeah? Well, you carry this card in your wallet at all times.

Oh, yeah.

It identifies you as a donor.

Oh, listen.

I wanna donor anything I can to help, Mr. Sanders.

Yeah.

Uh, I'll be right down. Excuse me, Bunker.

Yeah, sure, sure.

What is it?

Oh, these. I don't need the glasses to see, Mr. Sanders.

They just help me read faster.

Well, don't lose the card.

Oh, no, no, no. I won't lose the card.

Let us see here.

"I hereby donate my body and any organs or parts

"to be used for medical science

"to take effect on my death."

What the hell is the matter with you?

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie. Oh.

I didn't hear you slam the door.

How was your day?

Oh, it was lousy. It was the worst.

You know what I done today, Edith, without knowin'?

I signed up for Dr. Frankenstein's pet charity.

How much do you have to give?

Everything. Right up to here.

Take a look at this.

"Uniform Donor Card."

Oh, you're gonna give them your old army uniform.

No. Just the guy that used to be in it.

Don't you understand?

The minute I croak, they're gonna come and take me apart.

This body that you love.

You won't have nothin' to bury of me but a hat and a cigar.

Oh. Hmm.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh, dear. What would the Reverend Felcher say?

He'd have to preach his final urology over a hat box.

Edith, get me a beer, huh?

Are you goin' off your diet?

I'm gonna put on eight layers of fat.

If it ain't easy for them to get at my organs,

maybe they'll leave me alone.

Get me the beer, huh, while I still got a stomach left to put it in.

All right, Archie.

Ah, cheer up, Archie.

You got a lot of years left.

And maybe, by the time you do go to your reward,

your parts will be so old and worn out, nobody'll want them.

Get me a beer!

Hi, Ma.

Here's Archie's cottage cheese. Oh, thanks, Mike.

Oh, jeez, I hate that cottage cheese.

We're having Chinese food tonight.

Get out of here. Get back here.

I wanna ask you something, Professor.

You ever seen one of them?

Yeah. It's an organ bank donor card.

I got one myself.

You got one? What do they want you for?

All your parts are Polish. They don't fit regular people.

You know, when they start with you,

they ought to start with something small, like your brain.

Get out of here.

Here's your beer.

Hey, Ma, did you know Archie signed up for this?

Oh, yeah. I know.

Ah, I didn't know I signed up until after I signed up for it.

Well, you should be proud, Arch.

I mean, everyday they're savin' lives with heart transplants,

kidney transplants, bone grafts.

You know, it's a... it's a way of achieving immortality.

A part of you lives on after you're gone.

Oh, I see.

Ain't that nice.

Two people in love can still go walkin' hand in hand.

Even though their hands are on two other people.

Arch, I don't know why you're worried.

What are you worried about?

It all happens after you're dead, anyway.

Yeah, I know. After I'm dead.

Gee, oh, when I'm dead, what are they gonna put on my tombstone there, Edith?

Can you imagine?

"Here would have lied Archie Bunker.

"Only he give at the office."

Archie?

Archie?

Archie.

What?

Archie, what are you doing?

Ah, jeez.

Edith, Edith, I just had the most awful nightmare.

Oh, it must have been scary. It turned your hair white.

That ain't funny. What are you laughin' at?

You wouldn't be laughin' if you just had the nightmare I had, Edith.

Well, why did you wash the color out of your hair?

I thought you needed it for the dispatcher's job.

I'm gonna have to take my chances without the color.

Why?

Because of the nightmare I just had, Edith. This is what I dreamed.

That I was in Munson's cab, see, and I was takin' a nap in the cab...

Cut that out!

Are you listening to what I'm saying to you?

All right.

I dreamed that I was in Munson's cab, see, takin' a nap.

And all of a sudden, up comes this mad doctor, see.

And he notices my donor card, he pronounces me dead,

and he jerks out my liver for a needy friend.

Without even askin'?

Edith, people ain't polite in nightmares.

The next thing, I'm drivin' the cab, see.

And the way it works, see, I'm... I'm drivin' for heaven, you know,

it's a tough drive uphill all the way.

And while I'm goin' there, these nutty doctors are runnin' up

and they're takin' parts off of the cab and parts off of me.

Why would they take parts off of the cab?

You're worried about them takin' parts off of the cab?

Not about your husband.

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie. But it's only a dream.

I know it's only a dream,

but I'm tellin' you because dreams try to be tellin' you things, you see?

So I'm drivin' on and I get up to the pearly gates

and park the cab up there.

I get out, I come eyeball to eyeball with God,

and he is sore as hell with me.

You know why?

Yeah. 'Cause you took a cab to heaven.

You should have floated like everybody else does.

Wrong! That wasn't the reason.

He was sore at me because he didn't recognize me with this hair.

And he was sore at me because I'd come back to him

without the parts he sent me down here with.

And what really bugged him is while I'm standin' out there with my empty skin,

all my organs are down here with other people

breaking commandments left and right.

My two hands are pickin' pockets.

My feet are runnin' away from a hold-up.

And my eyes are readin' hard-pore cornography.

Edith, it was awful.

Oh, Archie, look at you.

You're still shakin'.

You'd be shakin', too, Edith, if you dreamed you just flunked heaven.

Oh.

Oh, uh, they told me that you was in here.

Are you the guy from this here?

Oh, yes, yes.

I'm John Scott, Public Relations for the organ bank.

Oh, well, I'm Archie Bunker from the loadin' dock.

I signed up for this yesterday but I... I got to pull out,

so if you could give me my document there.

Oh? May I ask why?

Well, I tell you, it's between me and... and the God.

You mean, it's against your religion?

Well, you know, it's kind of hard to explain.

No need to explain.

I've encountered that religious objection before.

I imagine so. You got it there?

I must say one thing, though.

You certainly don't look Jewish.

Oh, thank you very much.

Well, we've had many Jewish donors but

I know that orthodox Jews are opposed to autopsies

and all forms of dismemberment.

Oh, yeah. Ever since they was babies they can't stand knives.

I've always admired the way you've clung to your beliefs

in spite of all the persecution you've suffered.

I guess it isn't easy being Jewish.

Well, that's why most people ain't.

Thank you very much and good luck with your organs.

Oh, hi, there, Mr. Sanders.

Bunker? Yeah.

Why do you look different every time I see you?

I didn't sleep good last night, Mr. Sanders.

Mr. Bunker's a little disturbed about having to pull out of the organ bank.

Huh? You see, his problem is...

Well, I ain't in well health, Mr. Sanders.

I just got word from the doctor.

Oh? I thought it's because you're Jewish.

Jewish?

He's as Jewish as Reverend Ike.

Uh, I just assumed that...

Now, look, here, Mr. Bunker,

if you wanted to back out, you didn't have to make any excuses.

Oh, I... I didn't want to back out.

I... I can tell you it was doctor's orders.

My doctor told me,

confidentially, he wouldn't give my bones to his dog.

I hope you understand, Mr. Sanders.

I do, I do, Bunker. And I admire your honesty.

Oh, good, good.

I had you penciled in for our new dispatcher.

But that's an important job and we want somebody

who's gonna be with us a long time.

Oh, wait a minute, Mr. Sanders.

Roxanne, have Elmo Bridgewater report to my office.

You mean Black Elmo's gettin' the job?

Yeah.

You know, Bunker, your doctor's right.

Just one day, you look like you've aged 10 years.

Mr. Sanders, before you make any final decisions,

I'd like to...

Excuse me there, Mr. Organs.

Maybe I could get a second opinion. You know, great things can happen.

They're doing so much with this here chinky puncture nowadays.

Stuff all straightenin' out.

I might call the chiropractor, see?

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.