Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Will you quit pushin' me here?

Hurry it up, will you? This thing is heavy.

Oh, come on, will you?

Ten years ago when I carried that up to Gloria's room,

I carried it up alone and I didn't complain.

And it was heavier then before youse two pounded the stuffings out of it.

How come I'm carryin' a mattress, and you're carryin' a pillow?

You want the pillow? Here.

Honey, let me help you with that.

No, no, little girl, get away from that.

You ain't supposed to be doin' nothin' in your condition.

Oh, Daddy, please don't say condition.

You make it sound like I got the heartbreak of psoriasis.

I don't have a condition. I'm pregnant.

No, don't say that. Can't you say you're expectin'?

Jeez, pregnant sounds like you've done somethin'.

We did.

Well, you don't have to go advertisin' it to the world.

What you do in the privates of your own room is your own privates.

See, when I was a little girl and a woman was starting to show,

they used to say she was expectin' a bundle from heaven.

But of course everybody knew it was really a baby.

Well, I wish we could get back to them days.

What this world needs is a little more of that class.

Well, herein before, when we talk about Gloria's condition now,

we're just gonna say she's... she's expectin'.

Or in a family way?

Or with child.

How do you feel about knocked up?

How would you like to be knocked out?

Boy, Daddy, have you got a hang-up about words.

Yeah, and it's amazing considering how few he knows.

That's the end of your coffee break.

Come on, grab that mattress.

Let's get it out of here before it takes root.

- Okay.

I got to get down to Kelcy's and watch the Mets play ball.

I'll hold the door for you. Get the door open there.

You got your end? Yeah.

Turn around and face the other way. Oh, I'm facin' you

to make sure you hold that end up there.

Get out of the way, Edith. Ma, Ma. Get out of the way.

Get out... Get out of the way, Edith.

Get it out. Get it out. Yeah.

All right, all right, now, you got it straight?

Yeah. All right, all right.

From here on it's clear sailing. Come on.

I told you, Edith, to get them garbage cans to the curb.

Poor Daddy. With Michael out of the house, who's he got to pick on?

Oh, he's still got me.

Yeah, and he's lucky.

Oh, no, I'm the lucky one, Gloria.

And we was both lucky we got you.

Oh, my.

You know, I'm thinkin' of a song Jimmy Durante used to sing.

Inka Dinka Doo?

No, no, not that one.

♪ Did you ever have the feelin' that you wanted to go

♪ But still you got the feelin' that you wanted to stay

♪ Ha, cha, cha ♪

Oh, Ma.

See, I'm glad that you're movin' into your own home

but still I got the feelin' that I want you to stay.

Well, you knew I had to move out sometime.

Oh, yeah, but sometimes sometime comes too soon.

Gloria, there's somethin' of yours

I hope you won't want to take away with you.

That's my old cereal bowl.

With Brownie The Clownie on the bottom.

Yeah.

Now I've been savin' that bowl for when my granddaughter is here

and I'm your babysitter.

Well, then, Ma, you should keep it.

Oh, thanks, Gloria.

Oh, it's gonna be such a treat for me to put farina

in this bowl.

And say, "Open wide and let it slide.

- "Brownie The Clownie..." - "Will no longer hide."

That was a trick to get me to eat, wasn't it? Oh, yeah.

You got to do a lot of things to make babies eat.

Make funny faces.

Like this one was always good for two spoonfuls.

And this one was good for six spoonfuls.

Oh, look, it still works. You're eatin'.

Oh, and this one was good for a whole meal.

Get the big hormone pill. She's changin' again.

No, I was just showin'... Never mind that.

You know what's goin' on over there in your new house?

There's nothin' turned on.

No gas, no electric, no water. No problem.

Oh, no problem. You're gonna freeze over there,

you're gonna starve over there

and without no water, your toilet's just another chair with a hole in it.

Daddy... Yes... No... Michael, come here.

Wasn't Wednesday the day that you called the utilities people

to tell them that we wouldn't be able to be in the house until Saturday

to let them in. So they're sending a man today?

And he's not gonna be there because you forgot to call? Right?

I forgot. Oh.

Ain't he darling?

He'd forget his head if his teeth wasn't in it.

Michael. Uh, will you stop ridin' me?

You stop bein' a jackass.

You forget to turn on the gas, the water, the electricity.

The only thing you remember to turn on is my daughter.

You couldn't even remember to... I can't believe...

What've we got here? The Three Musketells?

Archie, there ain't no harm done. Oh.

This means we got 'em for two more days. Ain't that nice?

"Two more days. Ain't that nice?"

I think it stinks.

And I'll tell you somethin' else. I ain't gonna carry that mattress back over here.

You don't have to. We'll sleep on the couch.

Oh, no, Gloria, you can sleep in our bed.

The four of us in one bed like a bunch of bears?

All because that dumbbell forgets to make some phone calls?

You stop calling him names.

You stop stickin' up for him.

And you stop tellin' her what to do.

You stop talkin' to me at all.

I'll tell you somethin'. I was tellin' her what to do long before you married her.

And remember this, a wife can always divorce her husband,

but she can't divorce her father.

And you remember a daughter can always leave her father

and go next door to her own home with her husband.

Come on, Gloria.

Why should she go over there with you?

I can take better care of her here.

What're you sayin', I can't take care of her?

I got the gas and electric here.

I know you got the gas.

You are being silly now. There's nothin' silly about it.

Listen to me. I bet if the three of us was on the Staten Island Ferry

and you fell into the water there,

now which one is going to save you there?

Oh, my, if I was there...

Who put you on the ferry?

Well, me. I'm the one that'd save you.

Well, I... I'd save her, Arch.

Well, you could... You'd forget to swim.

I'd be overboard before you got your clothes off.

I'd have that hat off and that cigar out. I'd be right there...

I don't think I've ever seen you swim. Do you know how to swim?

I swim like a frog. I've never seen you in a bathing suit.

Billions of people seen me in a bathing suit. Oh, you're crazy...

You see what would happen? While you were on the deck arguing,

I'd be on the bottom of the bay.

To hell with that. What about the zoo?

Suppose the three of us are going to the Bronx Zoo together.

Can I be in this one?

You are in this one. You're in a dingbat cage.

All right, we're goin' through the zoo

and a hungry, ferocious tiger jumps over the fence and goes right for you.

Oh, Daddy, knock it off.

Now come on. Quit putting me on the spot with these stupid questions.

I love you in one way, and I love Michael in another way.

Case closed.

And that's the way it always is.

What?

You see, Archie, I love you the way Gloria loves Mike.

And I love my father

the way Gloria loves you.

Yes. And my mother loved my father

the way I love you,

and Mike loves Gloria the way my father loved my mother.

And Gloria loves Mike the way my mother loved my father.

Are you all done?

No.

Oh, jeez.

See, all I want to say is that

children don't have to choose between the people

they are married to and the people they was born to.

And all I'm tryin' to say is that my daughter wouldn't have to go over there

and live in miscomfort

if that dumb Polack hadn't forgot to turn on the utilities.

Excuse me.

You know the first time you called me a dumb Polack, I was really very sore at you?

Yeah. Why?

But after a while, I learned to shrug it off

with all the rest of your stupid remarks.

But now, Arch, I'm happy to announce

that you just called me dumb Polack for the last time.

You hear what I'm sayin'?

The last time, that's it. No more!

I've been waitin' five long years for this, Arch!

For five years, I've been waitin' to leave this house and waitin' to leave you,

you loud-mouthed, narrow-minded, selfish, bigoted, fat-head!

This is Michael Stivic's independence day, pal!

And this here is my flag!

Goodbye.

Hey, wait a minute, buddy.

You didn't give me a chance to salute that flag.

Daddy, that was disgusting.

No, it wasn't. Considerin' what he done to me,

I think it was highly aproblactic.

No, no, you ain't goin' over there, little girl.

I am not your little girl.

I am Michael's pregnant wife. Don't say that.

Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant. Oh, come on.

I'm not staying here unless you go apologize to him.

Apologize? Archie Bunker don't apologize to nobody.

Honey, do you know what she's asking me to... You hold it.

Now if you don't apologize to him,

he'll never come back here.

Good, good. And if he never comes back here,

I'll never come back here.

Archie, you better tell him you're sorry.

Oh, forget it, Ma. He's never said "I'm sorry" in his whole life.

I did once. The day you married that guy.

Oh.

Goodbye, Mother.

Oh, Gloria, don't...

Don't give me that...

You ain't got no control over the goings-on in this house.

Sometimes I get jealous of these guys that have sons.

Sons never turn on fathers.

But daughters marry meatheads.

After what you just let happen here,

I ain't so sure who married a meathead,

Gloria or me.

We're in luck, honey.

I found us some sardines and crackers for dinner.

And you know what we got for dessert?

What? Crumbs.

Come on, honey. Cheer up.

Isn't this terrific in here?

Michael, this is our very own home.

Honey, this is your very own living room.

And if you choose, Mr. Stivic, this is your very own front door.

And this, over here, is your very own window.

Come on, honey. We can do anything we want.

We can do what we want, where we want, when we want.

Yeah, we can do anything except cook, read, or go to the bathroom.

Or keep warm. I'm freezing.

Oh, honey, let me keep you warm, poopsie-doodle.

Here, I got your favorite blankey.

Here, honey. Yeah.

Now, you're warmer here? Yeah.

Isn't this better than sittin' over there with Daddy? Yeah.

Oh, Michael, I was just so proud of you when you stood up to my dad

and said, "This is Michael Stivic's independence day."

Yeah, I freed us from a hot meal and a good night's sleep.

Well, honey, cheer up. I know my father. He likes to act tough.

But when he thinks about what he's done and realizes he was wrong...

What?

He'll send Ma over to apologize.

You wanna play tent?

Why not?

Here I am, Edith. Whoop-dee-doo! Whoop-dee-doo!

Whoop-dee-doo.

What a lousy whoop-dee-doo.

Edith, Edith!

I won on a ballgame. The Mets beat them San Diego Padres.

I got some money. I ran out and look what I bought us here.

A beautiful hunk of sirloin. Archie!

That's big enough for four people.

You must have been thinkin' of Mike and Gloria.

No, I wasn't. They never even re-entered my mind, Edith.

As long as you bring it up, I'll...

All right. They're welcome to join us for this steak here.

All they got to do is to come back with an "I'm sorry"

and a bottle of ketchup.

And if they don't wanna do that,

then I don't wanna talk no more about them two.

Them three.

Your grandchild is in that cold house, too.

Well, Gloria's wrapped around him keepin' him warm.

And if I know the Meathead, he's wrapped around Gloria.

As far as he's concerned, I don't care if he freezes his butt off.

They need us now, and I'm goin' over there.

Oh, Edith. Hold it, hold it. I forbid that.

You can't stop me.

Edith, Edith, you ain't goin' over there.

This is your house. You ain't a Stivic, you're a Bunker.

Well, I'm sorry, Archie,

but motherhood is stronger than Bunkerhood.

If my dead father heard you say that, it'd kill him.

I'll eat steak till I bust.

Hi, Gloria.

Yoo-hoo. It's me.

Oh, excuse me.

Yeah, Ma, we were just tryin' to keep warm.

Oh, oh.

Well, here's your coat, Mike. Oh, thanks, Ma.

I brought your warm sweater, Gloria. Oh, thanks, Ma.

And I brought us some hot coffee.

Oh, that's great.

Us? Did Daddy kick you out, too?

Well, no, I kicked myself out.

Oh, Ma.

I think this thing has gone too far.

I'm gonna go back there and tell Archie I'm sorry.

I'll throw myself at his mercy.

It's a small target, but I think I can hit it.

I will not have my husband humiliate himself by crawling back.

Now come on. If Daddy doesn't come over here and apologize,

we'll just have to make do. Now sit.

All right.

What're we gonna do, sit here and watch each other turn blue?

Oh, no, Mike, I don't think we'll have to wait that long.

Oh, my.

This reminds me of when Nelson Eddy and Jeanette MacDonald

was all alone in a cabin up in the Canadian Rocky mountains.

It was Rose-Marie, my favorite movie.

I saw it seven times.

You want me to tell you the story?

Well, no... Yeah, all right.

Well, it starts out with this big lion comin' out and roarin'.

Wait a minute. A lion?

Well, what's a lion doin' in the Canadian Rockies?

Well, it was an MGM picture. Every MGM picture...

See, honey? She's gonna tell us the whole story.

Well, anyway, Jeanette MacDonald

who was Rose-Marie La Flamme in the movie

is in love with Nelson Eddy who is Jim Kenyon in the movie,

and he's a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman

with a horse and everything.

Anyway, Jeanette, Rose-Marie's brother

is murdered somebody, so Nelson, Jim Kenyon,

decides to follow Jeanette, Rose-Marie

because he knows that Jeanette will take him...

♪ Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah

♪ Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah

♪ Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah

♪ Someone's in the kitchen with her ♪

Perfect.

Now the old salad.

Well, there's always Froot Loops.

Can you help a man?

Oh, jeez.

Brownie The Clownie.

And there's Jeanette with her eyes all shiny with tears

and the snow is falling.

And there's Nelson, so young and brave,

sittin' on his horse ridin' through the forest

because he can hear Jeanette singin' to him.

♪ When I'm callin' you ♪

It's the famous Indian Love Call.

Thought I heard an ambulance.

Gloria, are you catchin' cold? No, I'm not.

Gloria, it's freezin' in here. Now, this is ridiculous.

- I'm goin' next door to apologize. - No, honey, please.

I'm sorry, Gloria, I'm goin' next door. Please. Don't give in...

What're you doin' here?

I was just passing by.

I just thought I'd better tell you

there's a big dog making water on your cellar door.

Thanks. Wait a minute.

As long as I'm here, I thought I'd

bring this back to you, this Brownie The Clownie.

Don't you want it?

No, I said Ma could keep it.

She don't eat farina no more.

Do you? Nah.

Oh, come on. Don't give me that pickle puss.

Say somethin' nice.

Archie, I thought you was comin' over here to say somethin' else

to Mike and Gloria. Well, I come over here, I come halfway.

I'll meet you halfway, Arch.

I'll admit I was wrong, if you admit it, too.

I'll admit you was wrong.

Daddy, you were wrong.

He was wronger than me.

Archie. Ma, Ma, Ma, that's all right.

I'll accept that. Comin' from Archie, that's like an unconditional surrender.

I don't accept it, 'cause you didn't say you were sorry.

Now, listen, little girl. What?

I'm sorry.

Archie, that's nice. Mike, he said he was sor...

Shut up, now!

Come on, then.

Let's get out of here and get back to a warm house.

Come on, Meathead.

Put out the candles. Grab the mattress over here.

Jeez. GLORIA: Yeah, the candles.

We got to get out of here.

This Jefferson house scares me. All 'em colored ghosts.

Hey, Edith, when we get home,

you might notice a few little things

out of place in the kitchen.

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.