Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Sure, sure, should've known. Figures.

We finally get somebody in the White House that I can agree with,

and you think she's wrong.

She certainly is.

President Ford tells us all to bite the bullet,

and Betsy Ford goes on TV and shoots off her mouth.

Arch, her name is Betty,

and she only said that she wouldn't be surprised

if her daughter had an affair.

She's a big girl.

Listen, if she has an affair, she'd be a lot bigger girl.

Let me tell you somethin' else.

The First Lady ain't supposed to go around making dumb remarks in public.

That's the President's job.

What're you sayin', Arch? That just because she's the President's wife,

she shouldn't be entitled to her own opinions?

How do you know they're her own opinions?

Maybe they ain't her own opinions.

I'm readin' in the paper where the CIA

is goin' around dopin' people up.

Half the government in Washington is all doped up.

Maybe somebody injected some of that, uh, LTD in the lady's cottage cheese.

Could've turned her into a sex nut.

Which is what I call anybody that is for pre-martial sex.

Premarital. Whatever.

Couples ain't supposed to do that before they get married.

Oh, but it's all right for couples

to have premarital sex after they're married?

Certainly. That's the only time for it. And at night.

I wanna tell you somethin' else.

No daughter of Archie Bunker would ever get caught

fooling around before she got married.

Get away from me, you dirty guy.

Mike, I found some more packing boxes.

Oh, thanks, Ma. Oh, look at this.

Hey, now you got a matched set of Polack luggage.

I can't wait to get out of this place.

When I move out of here tomorrow,

I'm gonna feel like a guy who just served a five-year sentence.

Oh, gee, some tough sentence.

Free room and board and sleeping with the warden's daughter.

I don't know why I bother talking with the man.

A guy who just said that the CIA put LTD in Betsy Ford's cottage cheese.

Oh, my. I'm gonna miss Mike and Gloria.

The house won't be the same.

No, there'll be more room up in the can.

- Hi, Gloria. - Hi, there, little girl.

Ma, Daddy. Boy, have I got news for you.

Oh, what kind of news?

Well, look at me. Doesn't it show?

Don't what show?

Well, I just came from the doctor's. Now, look at my face.

Can't you see?

Oh, jeez, if you've got something catching,

give it to your mother. I got to go to work in the morning.

Daddy, no. This is an incredible surprise.

Stay over there. Stay over there and tell her.

Oh, all right. I'll give you a hint.

♪ I found a million dollar

♪ At the five and ten cent store ♪

You found a baby in Woolworth's?

Gloria, is what I'm thinkin' what I think it is?

That's right, Ma. The doctor gave me a test.

The rabbit test?

What the hell can you catch from a rabbit?

Daddy, no.

I'm going to have a baby.

Gloria.

Gloria.

You're gonna have a baby?

Oh, she's gonna have a baby.

Oh, Gloria.

Will you cut this out?

What're you carryin' on for?

She got married first, didn't she?

I can't believe it.

I'm gonna be a grandmother.

Oh, I got to be alone and cry a little.

Oh, no. I gotta be with Gloria and cry a lot!

Come on, Edith. Will you get out of there?

Let the old man have a chance here.

There, my little girl. Daddy.

Oh, you're gonna be a grandpa!

Will you stop it? You're gonna squash the baby.

Here, here, here. Come here. Take some of these here.

Will you dry your face? Sit down.

Control yourself, there. You're gonna be a grandma. Here, have a cigar.

I ain't never been a grandmother before.

Well, neither have I. You don't hear me getting hysterical over here.

Give me that.

Oh, look at this. My baby's gonna have a baby.

Ain't that nice. Aw, gee.

Here, Archie.

Take that away. Do you see water runnin' out of me?

Gloria, when do you expect the baby?

Well, I'm two months pregnant.

Gee, don't... don't say that word. Gee.

Listen, honey, bad girls get pregnant, see?

Nice married girls is always expecting.

I wonder why Mike didn't tell us.

'Cause he doesn't know yet.

Mike don't know?

What the hell business is it of his?

He's the first one that should know.

Gloria, he's upstairs packin'.

Why don't you go up and tell him?

You want me to run up and tell him for you, little girl?

No.

It's just that this is going to be such a big surprise for him,

because, well, we weren't planning to have a baby for some time.

And, well, you know how Michael worries

about world problems and the population explosion.

For a guy who worries about explosions,

he lights the fuse every chance he gets.

Ma, what time is Gloria gettin' home?

I'm home, Michael.

Oh, great. I'll be right down.

Uh, Daddy,

why don't you take Ma out to dinner tonight?

What for? It ain't her birthday.

Archie, Gloria wants to be alone when she tells Mike.

Why?

Please, Daddy.

I gotta leave my own house for something he done?

Please, Grandpa.

Oh, jeez. Oh, Grandpa!

Don't you weep and whinny again.

All right, get your hat and coat. We'll go out.

Thanks, Daddy. All right, all right.

Don't run, don't run, don't run.

You'll fall off them shoes and wake the baby up.

I gotta get Michael's dinner.

All right. We'll go out, Edith.

But nothin' Italian because it causes garlic stones.

Hey, where are you two goin'?

Oh, Archie's takin' me out to dinner.

Come on. I didn't know it was your birthday.

No, no, no, no. Her birthday's in March.

October. Whatever.

We're goin' out to celebrate something else.

Why are you smilin' at me?

Well, because I like you.

You're okay there, Meathead.

What's wrong?

Nothing, Mike.

Gloria's in the kitchen. Come on.

Yes, she's in the kitchen.

She's got a surprise for you out there.

In the oven.

In the oven.

- Hey, Gloria? - In the kitchen.

Something's the matter with your father.

You know, he was smilin' at me out there. Patted me on the cheek.

I thought he was gonna kiss me.

Michael. Yeah?

I've got some news for you.

Yeah? Good news or bad news?

Well, that's up to you. Um...

You remember that weekend we spent in Long Beach?

Gee, how could I forget?

We had Leo and Miriam's bungalow all to ourselves.

You bought that new string bikini.

And I forgot my pills.

And you didn't feel like running out to a drugstore that late at night.

Gloria,

are you trying to tell me that you're pregnant?

First you tell me if that would be good news or bad news?

Are you kidding? That would be great news.

I'm pregnant. I don't believe it.

That's wonderful! That's just great!

Uh, uh, is there something we should be doin'?

Uh, yeah. Boil water. Boil water.

Already? Yeah, we're having spaghetti.

We're not havin' spaghetti. We're goin' out for dinner.

Oh, boy. We're gonna celebrate because we're gonna have a baby.

Oh, Michael,

I was so worried that you didn't want to have a baby.

Honey, why would you worry? We're gonna have a baby.

Well, after my miscarriage, we did promise each other

that we wouldn't try again, at least till things got better in the world.

Well, yeah, but, honey, things did get better.

I'm workin' now, and tomorrow, we're movin' next door.

And you know what else? What?

We're gonna have a baby.

Why would you worry about me?

Well, you did say that there are millions of babies in the world already born

that don't have a fair chance to live.

Yeah, I know I said that.

And then you said that maybe we ought to think about adopting one

instead of bringing another one into an already overcrowded world.

Yeah, I know I said that.

And you said we ought to think about what's happening to our ecology.

Yeah, yeah, I said that.

'Cause you said that the air is poisoned and the water is filthy

and there's not enough food to go around.

Yeah, I know I said that.

Are you upset now?

Upset? No, no, no, no. I'm not upset. I'm just, uh...

It's... It's a natural reaction.

You reminded me of a lot of unhappy things.

So naturally, I, uh, started to feel a little bit unhappy.

But deep down inside, I'm, hey, very happy.

Really? Oh, really. Really.

The only thing that I'm slightly unhappy about

is that you forgot your pills.

Are you insinuating that I deliberately forgot my pills?

No, no, no. Honey, honey, I'm not saying you deliberately forgot 'em.

Did you?

No.

Besides, you were the one that didn't wanna run out to a drugstore.

You... You were the one that went parading around the living room

in your string bikini.

Well, you were the one that put on the Mantovani record.

You were the one that danced us into the bedroom.

Well, there was a cold shower in the house, you know.

I know. I took one. It didn't help!

Because you took it with me!

Uh, Gloria, I... I hate to say this,

but I think that, yes, I think subconsciously

deep down inside,

you tricked me.

Tricked you? You trapped me.

Trapped you? You... You lured me.

Lured you? You seduced me.

If I seduced you, how come I'm pregnant?

Because you forgot the pills.

Honey, if you had to forget something,

why couldn't it be the string bikini and not the pills?

Would you let me walk on the beach wearing three pills?

I'm going out. Where are you going?

I don't know. I'm goin' out. Out into the night somewhere.

Michael!

Michael Stivic, you come back here this instant!

Michael, come back here!

Michael.

You forgot your coat.

I can't believe she forgot her pills.

You know, Irene, I was so mad at her,

I felt like running to the nearest bar and getting loaded.

Then why didn't you?

When I drink, I throw up.

Come on, Mike. Sit down. Calm yourself.

Here, eat something.

I can't eat when I'm feelin' this way.

How could she do that? She knows accidents can happen.

Now wait a minute, buster. You were at the scene of that accident.

You're no innocent bystander, you know?

And you know something else?

I think all your gobbledygook about not having babies

because the world is falling apart is just a big crock.

Sure. Sure, Irene. You're sayin' that because you're a devout Catholic.

No, I'm sayin' that because you're a devout coward.

I think you're afraid of the responsibility of raising a child.

That's a low blow, Irene.

All right, if you don't want kids,

then why didn't you have a vasectomy, huh?

That's an even lower blow, Irene.

You don't want my advice.

You just want me to tell you that the baby is Gloria's fault

and that it's wrong to bring a child into an overcrowded world.

Yes, yes. Now you're makin' sense.

Look, before you blame this one poor little baby for destroying the world,

I got something I want you to read.

What is it? Vatican propaganda?

What?

I don't need any more poop from the Pope.

It happens to be from The Christian Science Monitor.

Since when do you get The Christian Science Monitor?

Since my Baptist butcher ran out of wax paper.

All right, Irene. Make jokes. I came here for understanding.

I thought I'd get somebody like Joyce Brothers.

I got Joan Rivers. Thank you very much.

Look, at least read the article.

Yeah, I'll read it.

Gloria, why don't you come upstairs to bed?

I can't. Michael's left me,

and I'm going to have a baby.

Oh, he'll be back long before then.

He probably just went to the movies.

Or get a divorce.

Who's getting a divorce?

Nobody, Archie.

I'm just trying to cheer Gloria up.

Mike loves you very much.

He wouldn't think of doin' a thing like that.

If Ann Landers got a divorce, it could happen to anybody.

Maybe Ann Landers should've wrote to Dear Abby.

Oh, oh, my. I am a grandma.

I just knew Michael would be unhappy about the baby. I knew it.

Oh, Gloria. Mike will be very happy

as soon as the baby gets here.

Maybe the baby won't get here.

Well, there ain't nothing you can do to stop that...

Gloria, no.

Oh, you wouldn't do a thing like that?

It's exactly what I've been sitting here thinking about.

Oh, my.

If... If I'd have thought like that,

I'd be sittin' here now talkin' to myself.

Well, Ma, don't you feel a woman has a right to do

what she wants with her own body?

Well?

Well...

Oh, when I'm sittin' here watchin' them women

talk about it on TV, I guess it's yes,

but when I'm sittin' here with my own daughter,

who's carryin' my own grandchild...

Oh, Gloria,

I'm already in love with that baby.

Well, so am I.

But the baby isn't here, and Michael is,

and I don't wanna lose my husband.

Oh, jeez.

You're doin' a hell of a job cheerin' her up.

She's worried. Mike has been gone a long time.

Yeah, he left before dinner,

which means he probably fainted in the streets.

Archie, Gloria and me got something to talk about.

Would you please go back to bed?

No. I hate bed when I'm up.

You go and make me some coffee, huh?

Go on. Make coffee. Let me talk to her, huh?

Oh, all right. But please be nice.

I'm always nice.

Coffee, coffee.

Oh, little girl.

Would you get out of my chair?

All right. Don't cry. 'Cause I'm never kicking you...

I'd never kick you out of my chair. Come over here.

I just want you to sit with me. Like this here, you know.

Like we done long ago. Remember that, huh?

Gee, I guess we ain't done this since you was six years old,

and I had to talk you into going to school. Remember that?

Yeah, I had to take you by the hand

and drag you to school everyday, for a week. You remember that?

And all the kids teased you because you had to have your daddy drag you to school.

Remember that? Hmm.

So, I finally made you go to school all by yourself. Remember?

Sure.

Except, there you were following me about half a block behind,

just creeping along, ducking behind bushes and mail boxes.

Watching out for me every step of the way, making sure I was safe.

Who went and told you that? Your mother, huh?

She didn't have to. I couldn't miss the sound of you

crashing into those garbage cans.

I didn't see them. I had to keep my eyes on you the whole time.

Did I ever tell you about the first time I ever set eyes on you?

Yeah, lots of times. Oh, well, all right.

Will you tell me again? Yeah, sure.

The nurse took me up to that special room

where they keep all the fresh babies, you know?

I looked through the glass

and I pointed right at you.

It wasn't easy because it was about a 12-to-1 shot.

Well, no, it was a 11-to-1 shot.

One of the kids was a colored kid.

And you picked me out, huh?

Oh, just like that. And I rapped on the glass,

and you looked up at me and you give me a big smile.

You remember that?

Yeah.

So, come on. How about giving me

one of them big smiles again, huh?

Come on, give me a smile.

There. That's it. Sure.

And then the years went by. You was growin' up,

and I was watchin' you blossom.

And then one day, all of a sudden, bingo, there you was.

Wearing my very first training bra.

Oh, don't mention that.

Daddy, we're all alone. You're my father.

We can talk about things like that.

Yeah, I guess we can now.

Hey, you know what Stretch Cunningham says about them trainin' bras?

What?

He calls 'em Little League chest protectors.

I guess this is one of them, what you call

close father-daughter moments, ain't it?

Hi. Ah, jeez, he's back.

Where have you been, Michael Stivic?

I was out walking and thinking.

I didn't know you could do them two things at the same time.

Did I hear Mike come... Oh, hi, Mike.

Yeah. See, he's back. You didn't think he was gonna miss his last night

of free room and board, did you?

Arch, please. I'd like to talk to Gloria in private.

You can talk to her in private,

but I gotta hear.

Yeah, Daddy's right, Michael. You're the one that ran off and left me,

and they stayed here with me, waiting and worrying about you.

Your mother worried. I didn't give a damn.

So, anything you've got to say,

you can say in front of all of us.

Yeah. Bravo, bravo.

All right.

Uh,

I feel happy about the baby.

Jeez, whoop-dee-doo.

Yeah, whoop-dee-doo. I'm real happy you're happy now.

And I sure am happy.

We all heard from you.

I've always wanted to be a grandmother.

Well, not always.

First, I wanted to be a wife.

Then I wanted to be a mother.

Then I wanted to be a grandmother.

And now do you wanna be quiet?

Look, honey,

I... I was wrong.

I... I really do wanna have the baby.

Look,

I want you to read somethin'.

It says it a lot better than I can.

It's, uh, something Alistair Cooke wrote.

Alistair what?

Alice, the cook.

"In the best of times, our days are numbered anyway.

"And so it would be a crime against nature

"for any generation to take the world crisis so solemnly

"that it put off enjoying those things

"for which we were designed in the first place.

"The opportunity to do good work,

"to fall in love,

"to enjoy friends, to hit a ball

"and to bounce a baby."

Oh, Michael.

Good night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, Archie,

wasn't that beautiful, what Gloria read?

Yeah, it was kind of nice.

What the hell did it have to do with cookin'?

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.