Original subtitles

Tents no longer stand at Caligari Carnival.

Any researcher traveling the Hinterlands

wouldn't be able to tell there'd been a carnival here at all.

All that remains is a poorly dug pit...

a few burnt remains...

And ash.

On nights like this,

I think of the fearsome beasts lurking in the darkness,

and I wonder which part of the beast is the most frightening.

Some say the teeth or the claws or the hair,

if you are allergic.

I believe that the most frightening part of any beast is its belly,

because if you are seeing the belly, you have been devoured.

And for that reason, the phrase "in the belly of the beast"

means "in a terrible place with little chance of escape."

My name is Lemony Snicket. Before this episode is over,

"in the belly of the beast" will be used three times,

not counting the times I've already used it.

And for that reason, I would stop watching now,

before this story gets so frightening

that you feel as if you are in the belly of the beast.

That time doesn't count either.

We don't have long. Olaf will be here any minute,

and we are in the belly of the beast.

Why're you a fortune-teller?

A fortune-teller is just a librarian with smoke and mirrors.

I may have lost you at Prufrock Prep, but I never forgot you, or your friends.

After the Quagmires were kidnapped,

I headed to the city to rescue them.

That's where I met Jacques Snicket and joined VFD.

- The Volunteer Fire Department. - They were trying to save the Quagmires.

We almost had them at the Village of the Fowl Devotees.

But Olaf captured us.

I made a deal with Esmé to get us out of jail.

Jacques stayed behind. I went to find our bravest agent in the field.

This carnival is a place that VFD gathers information.

There is no real Madame Lulu.

It's just an alias for whichever volunteer is stationed here.

It's a rotating position.

The previous Madame Lulu took my taxi to the hospital

to retrieve a very important sugar bowl before Esmé could get her hands on it.

But she hasn't come back.

And Jacques...

well, he's not coming back, either.

- He tried to help us. - He was very brave.

The Quagmires are safe. We rescued them.

I'm so glad to hear that.

You truly are remarkable children.

But Olaf is here now and we're all in danger.

I've tried to stall him till the previous Madame Lulu returns.

She'll know what to do.

But he's getting suspicious. I don't know how long I can fool him.

You fooled us. It's a great disguise.

So is yours. I almost didn't recognize you.

How did you?

A certain gleam in the eye indicating a sharp acumen.

Volunteers have eyes like that.

Madame Lulu...

- Olivia. - Olivia.

We found a message saying one of our parents survived.

You told Olaf it was true.

I'm sorry. I only said that to keep him here.

But if Jacques believed that there was a survivor,

then it must be true. His research is never wrong.

I've been doing some reading.

The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations.

You found it.

VFD has a secret headquarters in the Mortmain Mountains.

If one of your parents really is alive, this is where they'd be.

- We have to go there. - I'm going to take you.

Jacques told me headquarters is on this map,

- but it doesn't seem to be marked. - May I see it?

Markings on maps are like codes.

This blue line is a stream. These green houses are campgrounds.

Look, the Valley of the Four Drafts. VFD.

But there's no markings in the valley.

Just a stain where Jacques must have accidentally spilled coffee.

Maybe it wasn't an accident. Headquarters might have a secret way of marking it.

I think the stain is the headquarters.

We have to get there.

We're stranded till the previous Madame Lulu gets back.

Do the roller coaster carts have engines?

They do, but they don't run. The radiator keeps overheating.

That sounds like a fan belt problem.

You need to transmit torque from the engine to cool the radiator.

I can get it running, but it may take all night.

Then we'll leave first thing tomorrow.

I'll pack my library and food for the journey.

I can keep Olaf distracted until then.

I've wanted to help you

since the moment you set foot in my library.

We've all lost people we love, but we've found each other.

And I promise, if one of your parents really is alive, we'll find them, too.

But now we must hurry before Count Olaf gets back.

There's something I don't understand.

Our parents were in VFD, but so was Olaf.

So is VFD a noble organization or a wicked one?

Jacques said there was a time when VFD was noble.

They were dedicated to putting out fires, literal and figurative.

There was a schism. You know what that means?

A division between members of the same organization.

One side decided it was better to start fires.

One night at the opera, a sugar bowl...

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for an interruption!

Quickly.

If you're in a tent, if you're in a caravan,

if you're in the men's room, wash your hands and come on out!

Right this way, folks.

How do we look?

Your ribbon.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, freaks and normal people,

I am pleased to announce

a brand-new attraction at Caligari Carnival.

That is good news, because this popcorn is stale.

It is good news.

This show is about to get a lot more entertaining,

not just because I'm back in it.

Who here is familiar with the ancient art of sorcer-enary?

Wait. Of sorcer-generarry?

It means magic.

Oh! Sorcery! You're trying to say sorcery.

Yes! Sorcery.

How right you are.

I'm surprised that you could hear, girlie, with something being in your ear.

What?

Oh! Behold!

- Astounding! - Incredible!

That's not that impressive. Maybe if it was doves.

Really?

Well, then how about this?

A scarf. Two scarves, three scarves...

Darling, you're scaring him.

All right.

One more. There's your dove. It's dead, thanks.

That's a little impressive.

You know what's a lot impressive?

More impressive than 17 scarves and a dead dove?

Behold!

A pit of starving lions!

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a very special surprise for you.

Lions are carnivorous, which means they eat meat.

- That's not a surprise. - Everybody knows that.

But these lions have not been given any meat.

Not a single drop of food. They're starving.

- That seems cruel. - And not much of a show.

Come back tomorrow, Mr. Heckler-man,

when we will randomly select one freak from the House of Freaks

and we will watch as the lions devour them.

You can tell a lot about a person

from their reaction to the news that someone will be eaten by lions.

Most wicked people would be thrilled

while most normal people would be horrified.

A person might be unable to disguise her glee,

while another person might have to pretend to be gleeful,

if she is in disguise.

Finally, some people might be horrified, but still manage to spot something useful.

Something long and starchy, designed to enhance certain sauces,

but to the trained eye, shaped a little like a solution.

I saw your face at the pit.

- You've got a solution. - The tagliatelle grande.

You mean the giant noodle Olaf uses as a whip?

I'll use it as a fan belt to repair the engine.

- We can fix it when everybody's sleeping. - Dinner's ready.

Enjoy. It could be the last tom kha gai you ever eat.

- Tom kha who? - Soup common to Thailand,

made from chicken, vegetables, mushrooms, ginger,

coconut milk and water chestnut.

Chabo grated ginger with her teeth.

For a feral monster, helpful in the kitchen.

If she wasn't a freak, she could be an excellent chef.

She's gonna be an excellent chef.

Not if she's eaten by lions.

I am not crazy about this devouring plan.

But the visitors to the carnival were excited, so it's good for business.

Everybody loves violence.

Especially when combined with sloppy eating.

That's not a dilemma.

None of you should jump to your death to entertain.

There are better things to do than get eaten.

- Like what? - Like, literally, anything.

Y'all never know when an opportunity will knock.

Open up.

- Hurry up. I want to talk to you. - I'm hurry upping, Ms. Squalor.

Let's be on our best behavior.

It's not often a normal person wants to talk to us.

We'll be good. I won't bend into a single strange position.

I'll only use my left hand. No, wait. My right... My left.

I am Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor,

and as you can see from my gown, I love freaks.

- That's so nice of you. - Yes, it is.

I had this gown made to show how much I love them.

See this stuffed animal,

like a hunchback,

and this creepy little face is like I have two heads.

You look very freakish.

I'm not really a freak. I'm a normal person.

But I wanted to show you all how much I admire you.

I admire you so much, I consider you more than employees at a carnival.

I consider you to be some of my closest friends.

Oh, Esmé, do you really mean it?

Of course I mean it.

I'd rather be with you than with the finest people.

Wow. I've never had a normal person call me a friend.

Well, that's what you are. You're all my freaky friends.

And it makes me terribly sad that one of you will be eaten by lions.

I have real tears in my eyes thinking about it.

Close friend, don't be sad.

I can't help it.

But I have an opportunity for you all that might make us all very, very happy.

We were just saying that an opportunity could come any minute.

Well, that's completely true.

Gather around the fire. I'll tell you about it.

Now that we split these logs and started this fire like you asked,

what's this opportunity?

I am offering you the chance to quit your jobs at the House of Freaks,

and join Count Olaf and myself in his troupe.

Do you think a normal man like him wants to work with freaks like us?

Of course he would.

Count Olaf doesn't care whether you're hideously freakish or normal,

as long as you obey his every whim beyond all reason.

Wow! What an opportunity!

I had a hunch you'd be excited.

- No offense. - None taken.

If you're interested, all you have to do is one simple task.

Commit a murder.

- Okay, sounds good. - Did you just say...

During the lion show,

Olaf will choose one freak to jump into the pit.

But I want whomever is chosen to throw Madame Lulu in instead.

You want us to murder Madame Lulu?

Think of it as a dramatic exercise

to show Count Olaf you're brave enough to join his troupe.

Throwing Madame Lulu into a pit of lions doesn't strike me as brave.

Just vicious and cruel.

How can it be vicious and cruel to give people what they want?

You want to join Count Olaf's troupe.

The crowd wants to see someone eaten by lions.

I want Lulu thrown into the pit.

It doesn't sound so bad.

Tomorrow, one of you will have the exciting opportunity

to give everybody what they want!

Why do you want Lulu thrown to the lions?

Oh, you'll understand when you're older. Hmm.

Maybe not you.

Is something wrong?

I just offered you a job, which was generous.

It is very generous, Ms. Squalor.

I just don't feel comfortable throwing Lulu to the lions.

I agree.

- Chabo, too. - I bet Chabo only half agrees.

I bet her wolf half can't wait to see Lulu get eaten.

- I'm excited. - Me, too.

I really want to join Olaf.

Maybe you can convince your two-headed coworkers.

Consider this.

Maybe Lulu doesn't deserve to get thrown to the lions.

People don't always get what they deserve.

And who knows that better than the two of you?

After all, you're freaks.

I'll let you sleep on it.

Nice work, Sunny.

The curious thing about being told to sleep on it,

is that you usually can't.

"Sleep on it" is a phrase which here means

"to go to bed thinking about something in the hopes of reaching a conclusion."

It's much easier to sleep when you've made up your mind.

It's run-down. This won't be easy.

- What? - The ribbon Sunny made

out of the hospital bracelet, I can't find it.

Uh...

Will this work?

Violet was troubled about the roller coaster,

and whether she could repair it with nothing but a tagliatelle grande

and the cover of night.

Sunny, untangle the ivy.

Get me pliers and a half-inch wrench.

I'm gonna take a look.

Klaus was troubled about Madame Lulu's map,

and whether the course he charted was the best way.

And Sunny was troubled about the long drive ahead

and whether Olivia would pack enough food for the journey.

- The lions aren't sleeping. - They don't sound ferocious, just sad.

I feel sorry for them.

They don't deserve to be starved.

Esmé was right.

People don't always get what they deserve. Neither do lions.

I can't understand

why Hugo, Colette and Kevin would join people that do wicked things.

Maybe they're happy someone's treating them like normal people.

Maybe that's why Count Olaf's troupe works for him.

They don't think they have anywhere else to go.

Then we're lucky. We know where we're going.

The Baudelaires were troubled about the mountain headquarters

and whether one of their parents was alive and waiting for them.

Think you can shorten this noodle?

But they should have been troubled about Olaf,

who, at that moment, was sleepless himself.

Hmm. Listen to them. That hunger. That insatiable desire.

Those poor creatures.

They'll have someone to eat soon.

Let's talk about what I want. The location of the surviving Baudelaire parent.

You said you would give me the answers tomorrow.

It's after midnight. That makes it tomorrow.

Come back in the morning, my Olaf.

Spirits, they talk when they talk.

They'd better.

I'm a patient man, Lulu, but patience is like a grating foreign accent.

It can wear thin.

Wait. Wait. Spirits, they are sending me vision.

Yes. It's a terrible thing you did to a noble man.

And now, I am getting a name.

Jacques Snicket.

Jacques Snicket got in my way.

Ask the spirits how that turned out.

What happened?

A crystal ball has accident. Good thing Madame Lulu buy in bulk, huh?

You wouldn't have had any guests from the Heimlich Hospital, would you?

No. No.

Handsome Olaf is Madame Lulu's first visitor in long time.

Really?

Then how did this get here?

Spirits work in mystical ways.

Also, Madame Lulu recently have checkup.

Regular health care is important.

Hmm. I'll see you tomorrow, my Olaf.

You certainly will.

- Well done. - Thank you.

The engine should be able to get us to the mountains.

Will it hold the weight of Lulu's archival library?

Let's test it.

Riding a roller coaster is the sort of activity normal children do.

Here we go.

There are few truly happy moments in the lives of the Baudelaire children.

This is not one of them.

But it's close.

When meeting a volunteer,

you may determine their allegiance with the use of a code phrase.

"The world is quiet here."

This may sound curious, like the motto of a secret organization,

or something a stranger might say when he picks you up in his taxi

and invites you to use your talents to benefit the world.

There'll be losses along the way.

We may never triumph, not completely.

We may be defeated, at least for a time. But we will never disappear.

Not so long as there are noble, well-read people...

- To take up the torch. - ...to take up the torch.

Going somewhere?

Oh, there you are, my Olaf. You are so early.

Spirits still sleeping, like lazy goat.

Go get breakfast wine spritzer with Esmé, and come back in, say, an hour. Yes.

Spirits will be ready for big fortune-telling show.

I won't need a fortune-telling show this morning.

- You don't? - No.

Things are different. Plans have changed.

I've got my own show now. And look, the early crowd arrives.

Right this way to the lion pit, folks!

You, too.

Step this way for violence and sloppy eating!

Has anyone seen the boss's giant noodle?

Look, Mrs. Bass. Freaks!

Don't say my name out loud. I'm on the lam.

Sorry, I'm just very excited.

"One of these freaks will be eaten!"

I sure hope so.

I haven't had any fun since I robbed that bank.

Oh, I'm starving for entertainment.

I hear the lions are starving, too.

What was that about a bank?

Ladies and gentlemen,

this may be the most exciting day of your entire lives.

Welcome, welcome, welcome...

to the Caligari Carnival's Big Top Finale!

Thank you.

I am your ringmaster, Count Olaf,

but a different Count Olaf than the one you've read about in the papers,

who is dead.

Incredible! Who knew there were so many counts with one eyebrow named Olaf?

We're both very handsome. But enough about me.

Ladies and gentlemen, inside this pit are two starving lions.

And standing beside said pit are five delicious freaks!

I'm glad this is my last day in these clothes.

Soon I'll be part of Olaf's troupe.

Are you really gonna push Lulu?

I'll do anything if it means never having to look like a freak again.

Look closely at all these freaks.

Observe Hugo's hideous hump.

Cackle at Colette's cockamamie contortions.

Giggle at the absurdity of Kevin's ambidextrous arms.

Snicker at Beverly and Elliot, the two-headed freak.

Laugh so hard you can hardly breathe at Chabo the Wolf Baby.

- I hope it's the man with sores! - Or the woman with money!

I am not a freak. I'm a member of the audience.

I have a dermatological condition.

And this isn't money. Uh, these are algebra quizzes.

I don't care who it is. I just hope this circus has clowns.

I like the sad ones.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the choosing ceremony to commence.

The names of each and every freak

have been written down on small pieces of paper,

folded up, and placed inside the box that this lovely young lady is holding.

I don't think she's lovely.

Play along. We'll think of something.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I will reach inside the box, pull out one piece of paper,

unfold it, and read the name of the freak out loud.

Then that freak will then walk down this wooden plankway,

jump into the pit, and we'll all watch as the lions eat him.

Or her.

Or her.

Before we begin, does anyone have any questions?

Why do you get to pick the name?

It was my idea.

Is this legal?

What... Don't spoil the fun, boy.

If you're going to ask questions, you might as well wait in my car.

Ladies and da-da-da, I am now reaching my hand inside the box.

I am pulling out one piece of paper,

which I will unfold very slowly, to increase the suspense.

A grown man, unfolding paper. Amazing.

I learned how to amaze crowds by working in regional theater.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am now unfolding the first fold in the piece of paper.

I feel morally queasy.

It could be from eating this hot dog I found on the ground.

I have just unfolded the second fold in the piece of paper!

There are only five... four more folds left.

Is this gonna be scary?

Don't worry, Trixie. This was advertised as family entertainment.

I'm sure whoever is eaten by lions deserves it.

No one deserves to get eaten.

Except maybe Count Olaf.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking it.

I did one more fold, and that was the last fold!

What does it...

Ladies and gentlemen,

today's lucky freak proves that two heads are better than one.

Beverly and Elliot, step on up.

- It's a wicked thing to do. - What choice do we have?

Thank you. We're thrilled to be chosen.

You're welcome.

Now, jump into that pit so we can all watch you get devoured by lions.

Get in there!

What's the problem?

- My other head and I were thinking. - Thinking with both heads.

Instead of watching a freak jump into the lion pit,

wouldn't it be more exciting...

To watch a freak get pushed?

This would be more violent, please.

Yeah, do it!

Yes. I'd like to see that two-headed freak thrown to the lions.

I'd like to see someone pushed into the pit.

And who, pray tell, do you imagine performing such a dangerous job?

You.

After all, you are the star of the show.

That's true!

I'd like to see the ringmaster throw that freak into that pit!

With pleasure.

I am deeply honored to have been asked.

But I'm afraid I couldn't possibly go any further than here.

- Why not? - I'm allergic to cats.

Really?

Wow. I didn't even know you had allergies, boss.

I have an idea! Madame Lulu,

you walk the plank and throw the freak to its death.

Of course!

After all, Madame Lulu is the reason we're all here today.

What do you think, violence fans?

Let's see Madame Lulu throw Beverly and Elliot in the pit!

Hit her with something! That'll get her moving.

That will not be necessary, please.

I'm positively gasping with suspense.

- What do we do? - I don't know.

Stop whispering.

We're increasing suspense.

The suspense has been increased enough.

This is the moment we've all been waiting for.

If Madame Lulu is not brave enough to do it,

then whoever volunteers will get a special reward.

I'm brave enough! So are Kevin and Colette!

Freaks that are brave? Don't be ridiculous.

We are brave!

Count Olaf, let us prove it to you, and then you can employ us.

- Employ you? - Oh, what a wonderful idea!

I'll do it!

- No, I'll do it! - No, I'll do it! With both hands!

I'll do it! I don't want a freak for a coworker.

Ahh!

I'll do it for Esmé!

I should get that reward. I live on a teacher's salary.

I don't even care who gets eaten. I just want to feel alive!

I never knew this show involved audience participation.

I can't wait anymore.

I'm ready to push someone myself.

Trust me.

- No! - Go!

- But... - I'm right behind you.

I've been behind you all along.

Go!

You're no fortune-teller. You're that school librarian!

I'm more than that. I'm a volunteer.

Well, thank you for volunteering.

Now it's time for your special reward.

I never had the privilege of meeting Olivia Caliban,

but I do know my brother loved her.

I know she was armed with curiosity, a well-defined moral compass,

and a well-curated collection of books.

In other words, she was like many librarians I've known.

A brave and noble person

who did not deserve to end up in the belly of the beast.

- That sounded like... - Olivia.

If she's dead, it's our fault. We thought to push Olaf.

We can't think about that now. We have to get out of here.

I always thought it would be entertaining to see someone eaten by lions,

but that was...

- Horrifying. - Terrifying.

- Messy. - That could've been me.

It could have been any of us.

- I want to go home. - Me, too.

The book.

Olivia promised she'd find it for us.

She was a great person and a great librarian.

- The show's not over yet. - Count Olaf.

- What are you cowards doing here? - They might be cowards,

but I'm prepared to offer them a place in my troupe.

That's very kind of you to offer,

but you don't want us cowards in your troupe.

Sure we do. You never know when you might lose an associate.

Look at Madame Lulu.

You don't have a choice.

We're burning down this carnival starting with that rickety roller coaster.

See for yourself.

No.

You see, if you don't join us, where can you possibly go?

Where are you going?

Hello.

Give...

I haven't seen one of these in years.

A brown stain? You saw that this morning.

- Coded stain. - Oh.

It's to mark a secret location without anyone else noticing.

And this stain happens to mark the secret location of VFD headquarters.

I haven't been there in years. Not since that masked ball

when I failed to push a woman in a dragonfly costume off a cliff.

Who knew those wings worked?

A map to the VFD headquarters.

Yes. That must be where the survivor of the fire is hiding.

It seems like Madame Lulu gave us one last answer after all.

I'm really going to miss her.

Hmm. Pack your mittens, kitten. We're going to the Mortmain Mountains.

I wonder if Lulu left anything else useful here.

I don't see anything useful.

I think you're lying to me.

My other head is telling the truth.

Well, then what is that box of food doing there?

Don't you think food would be useful on a long journey?

Chabo compliments you on your cleverness. We hadn't noticed it.

That's why I'm the boss,

and I boss you to carry that crate to my car.

But first, I want you to light this tent on fire.

Really?

Yes, really. You're with us now, freaks.

Really light this tent on fire.

Really destroy all these papers and notes

and the rest of Madame Lulu's boring clutter,

and then meet me at the car when you're done.

Chabo, you're coming with me.

- Chabo would prefer to stay with us. - I could care less.

I am the man in charge here, not this feral little monster.

Come... Just stop... Stop growling!

Nice wolfie.

You know, you're lucky that there are so many books and films here.

They're highly flammable.

Burn this tent down

and then you can join that little wolf baby in my acting troupe.

It's time to take up the torch.

We're not going with Olaf.

He already has Sunny, and he burned our ride out of here.

And riding with him is the only way to get to the mountains.

If we set that fire, we're as bad as he is.

If we don't, we'll never find out if one of our parents survived.

I know just how you feel.

My first time was hard, too.

Let me help you with that.

Get the food.

You can ride in the gift caravan.

We're going to pull it behind us.

With so many new recruits, we're getting mighty crowded.

Ow, your hooks are hurting me.

- Get in the trunk, freak! - Okay.

I know a knot called the Devil's Tongue. It might hold better. I can tie it.

That's a relief. I have no idea what I'm doing.

It was horrifying.

That anonymous tip promised I'd find the Baudelaires,

but all I saw were freaks

and a fortune-teller who got devoured by a lion.

Then everything caught fire. I'm glad that ticket was comped.

I'm on my way home now, but I have to make a detour first.

I'm giving a teacher a ride

and she insists on a private tour of the bank.

- Need to make a deposit? - A withdrawal.

Oh! What's for dinner?

Here we are, riding off into the sunset.

It's the afternoon.

That's not the point.

The point is, we are going to be very, very rich.

And the surviving Baudelaires are about to be very, very dead.

Do you think Sunny will be okay with Count Olaf?

Nobody's okay with Count Olaf.

But it's only until we reach the mountains.

As soon as we're together,

we'll escape and get to the headquarters.

What do you think we'll find there?

Sometimes a story ends before it's over

with unanswered questions, unresolved plots, lingering suspense

blanketing the world like snow.

Like smoke from a suspicious fire.

This is Larry Your-Waiter.

I learned the survivor of the fire is headed to headquarters. I'm on my way.

Is that smoke?

I myself am in suspense about the current fate of the Baudelaires.

And there are other details I've yet to discover,

such as the fate of my late brother's taxi and location of a certain sugar bowl.

And the identity of the previous Madame Lulu,

though reliable sources tell me it's a woman I know very well.

It can be frustrating to live in suspense.

Not knowing what's around the next curve in the road.

You may feel as if you are on the edge of a cliff,

not knowing if you will fall.

How sharp the rocks are at the bottom, or if you will have time to scream.

But life is like that.

It's a cliff-hanger.

Beverly, Elliot, press the red button and speak to me.

- We're here. - Look out the window.

- We are. - The other window.

- Stop! No! - What are you doing? Stop it.

I didn't need a fortune-teller to tell me where the Baudelaire brats were hiding.

I'd figured that out all by myself.

So, allow me to tell you your future.

A great deal of suffering and pain and then a long fall to rock bottom.

Do you know how that feels? Because I do.

But things are looking up for me.

I'm cutting all ties with my past failures.

Get it?

Because I'm actually cutting the rope that you tied...

I'm sure they get it, darling.

Goodbye, Baudelaires.

- Sunny! - Sunny!

- Sunny! - Sunny!

- Sunny! - Sunny!

Down they go, into the belly of the beast.