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1
00:02:58,656 --> 00:03:01,887
You in the robes. Put down
the weapon of mass destruction
2
00:03:02,093 --> 00:03:05,119
and get on the ground.
You're under arrest.
3
00:03:17,275 --> 00:03:19,743
Put down your weapons now!
4
00:03:21,379 --> 00:03:23,643
Why can't they ever do this
the easy way?
5
00:03:33,024 --> 00:03:35,254
World Police.
Get down on the ground!
6
00:03:44,902 --> 00:03:46,995
Hey, terrorist.
7
00:03:47,772 --> 00:03:49,967
Terrorize this.
8
00:04:00,885 --> 00:04:03,615
All right, let's make this interesting.
9
00:04:31,382 --> 00:04:33,179
You lose.
10
00:04:35,553 --> 00:04:38,852
- He's getting away with the WMD!
- I got him.
11
00:04:50,835 --> 00:04:52,029
Damn, I missed him.
12
00:04:52,270 --> 00:04:54,795
Sarah, he's got the bomb.
You got a fix?
13
00:04:56,474 --> 00:04:59,102
I got him, Carson.
He's heading for the Louvre.
14
00:05:00,711 --> 00:05:02,303
Your plans are over.
15
00:05:14,092 --> 00:05:16,356
- All right, Sarah.
- Yeah, all right, team!
16
00:05:16,561 --> 00:05:18,324
Nothing to it.
17
00:05:18,563 --> 00:05:20,690
All right.
18
00:05:22,867 --> 00:05:27,031
Bonjour, everyone. Don't worry.
Everything is bon.
19
00:05:27,238 --> 00:05:28,967
We stopped the terrorists.
20
00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:42,786
I was doing a lot of thinking
on the ride over here.
21
00:05:43,020 --> 00:05:44,612
Oh, yeah? About what?
22
00:05:45,022 --> 00:05:48,924
I was thinking that I want you
to marry me.
23
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:52,926
- Don't joke about that.
- Who's joking?
24
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:59,163
Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may
need to order up a wedding cake.
25
00:05:59,403 --> 00:06:02,998
- He finally popped the question?
- Lisa, you're an amazing woman.
26
00:06:03,207 --> 00:06:07,803
And a damn fine cop. And I want
to spend the rest of my life with you.
27
00:06:08,045 --> 00:06:11,913
Oh, Carson. Carson...
28
00:06:13,217 --> 00:06:15,685
Carson!
29
00:06:20,858 --> 00:06:22,689
No!
30
00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:29,298
Carson.
31
00:06:29,534 --> 00:06:34,198
- Feel so cold.
- You have to hang on, Carson.
32
00:06:35,006 --> 00:06:38,601
Sorry, babe. Looks like this
was a one-way ticket.
33
00:06:38,843 --> 00:06:40,401
No.
34
00:06:41,078 --> 00:06:43,808
Lisa, you have to live on.
35
00:06:44,048 --> 00:06:47,950
Find someone else who will love you.
Find someone else and be happy.
36
00:06:48,152 --> 00:06:50,484
You deserve...
37
00:06:54,458 --> 00:06:56,289
No!
38
00:06:56,961 --> 00:06:58,690
No!
39
00:06:59,230 --> 00:07:01,221
No!
40
00:07:24,589 --> 00:07:27,683
Everyone has AIDS
41
00:07:27,892 --> 00:07:29,860
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
42
00:07:30,494 --> 00:07:33,258
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS
43
00:07:33,497 --> 00:07:36,557
Everyone has AIDS
44
00:07:37,802 --> 00:07:40,566
And so this is the end of our story
45
00:07:41,005 --> 00:07:44,099
And everyone is dead from AIDS
46
00:07:44,308 --> 00:07:47,004
It took from me my best friend
47
00:07:47,211 --> 00:07:49,736
My only true pal
48
00:07:50,014 --> 00:07:51,675
My only bright star
49
00:07:51,916 --> 00:07:53,110
He died of AIDS
50
00:07:53,384 --> 00:07:55,875
Well, I'm gonna march on Washington
51
00:07:56,087 --> 00:07:58,351
Lead the fight
And charge the brigades
52
00:07:59,023 --> 00:08:01,719
There's a hero inside of all of us
53
00:08:01,926 --> 00:08:03,291
I'll make them see
Everyone has AIDS
54
00:08:04,762 --> 00:08:05,854
- My father
- AIDS
55
00:08:06,063 --> 00:08:07,360
- My sister
- AIDS
56
00:08:07,598 --> 00:08:10,362
My uncle and my cousin
And her best friend
57
00:08:10,568 --> 00:08:13,799
The gays and the straights
And the whites and the spades
58
00:08:14,038 --> 00:08:17,405
Everyone has AIDS
My grandma and my dog Ole Blue
59
00:08:17,642 --> 00:08:20,406
- AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
- The pope has got it and so do you
60
00:08:20,978 --> 00:08:23,970
Come on, everybody
We got quilting to do
61
00:08:24,181 --> 00:08:25,739
We're gonna break down
These barricades
62
00:08:25,950 --> 00:08:28,441
Everyone has
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
63
00:08:28,653 --> 00:08:30,780
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
64
00:08:30,988 --> 00:08:33,081
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS
65
00:08:42,133 --> 00:08:44,897
- Great job, Gary.
- Thanks. You too, Steve.
66
00:08:45,102 --> 00:08:47,093
That was the greatest acting
I've ever seen.
67
00:08:47,305 --> 00:08:49,068
I just don't know how you do it, Gary.
68
00:08:49,273 --> 00:08:51,173
How do you make yourself
so somber and emotional
69
00:08:51,375 --> 00:08:52,740
to make everybody cry like that?
70
00:08:52,943 --> 00:08:58,779
It's not that hard, really. I just think
about the saddest moment in my life.
71
00:09:02,386 --> 00:09:06,482
Man, wow. Gary is such a great guy.
72
00:09:12,997 --> 00:09:16,125
Gary. Oh, no.
Help me! Help me!
73
00:09:16,334 --> 00:09:20,270
Get off of me!
Get this thing off of me! Gary!
74
00:09:20,504 --> 00:09:24,804
Hello, young man. Congratulations
on a terrific performance.
75
00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:28,205
Oh, thank you.
I don't believe we've met, Mr...?
76
00:09:28,713 --> 00:09:32,513
The name is Spottswoode.
77
00:09:33,584 --> 00:09:36,849
- Well, nice to meet you.
- And you are Gary Johnston.
78
00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:40,353
All-American actor who graduated
Iowa University summa cum laude
79
00:09:40,624 --> 00:09:43,320
with a double major in theatre
and world languages.
80
00:09:43,527 --> 00:09:46,223
You've been at the top of every
acting class since you were a child.
81
00:09:46,430 --> 00:09:49,661
Top-gun actor.
82
00:09:50,234 --> 00:09:53,032
Hey, hold on a second,
are you from Hollywood?
83
00:09:53,270 --> 00:09:59,004
I have an incredible offer for you, Gary.
If you're interested, follow me this way.
84
00:10:17,361 --> 00:10:20,694
Please, Gary, step into my car.
85
00:10:22,867 --> 00:10:24,266
Oh, I get it.
86
00:10:24,468 --> 00:10:27,335
I'm supposed to get in your car
and let you put your finger inside me.
87
00:10:27,538 --> 00:10:29,733
Then if I go down on you,
I get a movie part.
88
00:10:30,975 --> 00:10:33,876
No, I just want to show
you something.
89
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:35,703
- Yeah, I'll bet you do.
- Please, Gary,
90
00:10:35,913 --> 00:10:37,107
I'm not from Hollywood.
91
00:10:37,314 --> 00:10:41,375
I'm not going to fuck your mouth,
and my time is extremely valuable.
92
00:10:52,229 --> 00:10:55,562
- Jesus, this is a nice limo.
- Yes, it is.
93
00:10:55,766 --> 00:10:57,927
Now, suck my cock.
94
00:10:59,270 --> 00:11:00,669
Just kidding.
95
00:11:07,711 --> 00:11:10,373
All right, just what the hell
is this about?
96
00:11:10,581 --> 00:11:13,277
I hate to break this to you, Gary,
97
00:11:13,484 --> 00:11:16,078
but some people out there
want you dead.
98
00:11:16,654 --> 00:11:19,020
- Dead?
- They're called terrorists, Gary.
99
00:11:19,223 --> 00:11:21,316
And they hate everything about you.
100
00:11:21,792 --> 00:11:25,558
Why? What did I do to them?
I'm just a Broadway actor.
101
00:11:25,796 --> 00:11:28,321
It's not who you are, Gary,
it's what you stand for.
102
00:11:28,532 --> 00:11:30,397
And every single minute
of every single day,
103
00:11:30,601 --> 00:11:32,626
the terrorists are planning
new ways to kill you
104
00:11:32,837 --> 00:11:36,466
and everyone else
who lives in a free country.
105
00:11:36,740 --> 00:11:41,336
The only thing standing
in their way is us.
106
00:11:41,545 --> 00:11:42,842
You?
107
00:11:43,047 --> 00:11:46,813
Baxter, I think we can
"valmorphanize" safely now.
108
00:12:19,416 --> 00:12:23,375
Okay, a limousine that can fly.
Now I have seen everything.
109
00:12:23,587 --> 00:12:26,852
Really? Have you seen a man
eat his own head?
110
00:12:27,057 --> 00:12:29,719
- No.
- So then you haven't seen everything.
111
00:12:29,927 --> 00:12:31,861
And neither have we.
112
00:12:32,062 --> 00:12:33,962
Last week in Paris,
we caught four terrorists
113
00:12:34,164 --> 00:12:36,496
with a weapon of mass destruction.
114
00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:40,466
The terrorists are planning
something very big.
115
00:12:40,671 --> 00:12:43,037
And just what does this have
to do with me?
116
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,470
Our only hope is to have somebody
act like a terrorist
117
00:12:45,676 --> 00:12:48,406
who wants to help them
carry out the attack.
118
00:12:48,612 --> 00:12:53,413
An actor convincing enough to make
the terrorists think he's one of them.
119
00:12:53,617 --> 00:12:56,211
This is crazy. I'm an actor, not a spy.
120
00:12:56,420 --> 00:13:00,015
That's all spying is: Acting.
And they say you're the best.
121
00:13:00,224 --> 00:13:03,193
An actor with a double major
in theatre and world languages?
122
00:13:03,394 --> 00:13:06,795
Hell, you're the perfect weapon, Gary.
123
00:13:08,399 --> 00:13:10,026
Look out!
124
00:13:39,797 --> 00:13:44,234
Right this way,
you maverick renegade.
125
00:13:54,878 --> 00:13:58,041
Welcome to Team Base.
126
00:13:58,716 --> 00:14:02,482
Gary, this is Joe, all-star quarterback
from the University of Nebraska.
127
00:14:02,686 --> 00:14:04,244
He's a natural-born leader.
128
00:14:04,455 --> 00:14:06,480
I've heard a lot about your acting,
Mr. Johnston.
129
00:14:06,690 --> 00:14:10,456
- Hope it's as good as they say it is.
- And this is Sarah,
130
00:14:10,661 --> 00:14:13,095
the top empath from Berkeley's
School for the Clairvoyant
131
00:14:13,297 --> 00:14:14,787
in San Francisco.
132
00:14:14,999 --> 00:14:19,493
I sense that you're slightly
confused right now.
133
00:14:19,837 --> 00:14:23,864
That's supposed to be Carson's
replacement, a fucking actor?
134
00:14:24,108 --> 00:14:26,702
Don't mind Chris.
He may be lacking courtesy,
135
00:14:26,910 --> 00:14:29,902
but he's the best martial-arts expert
Detroit has to offer.
136
00:14:30,114 --> 00:14:33,982
That's right, actor.
Just stay the fuck away from me.
137
00:14:34,652 --> 00:14:39,021
And finally, we have our
psychology expert. Where's Lisa?
138
00:14:39,223 --> 00:14:40,986
Right here.
139
00:14:48,699 --> 00:14:53,102
Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes
in how the terrorists think.
140
00:14:53,337 --> 00:14:57,273
Usually a case of malignant narcissism
brought on during childhood.
141
00:14:57,508 --> 00:14:59,840
We've been doing our best
to keep the world safe, Gary.
142
00:15:00,077 --> 00:15:03,137
But now somebody has supplied
the terrorists with WMDs.
143
00:15:03,347 --> 00:15:05,872
And intelligence tells us
they plan to use them.
144
00:15:06,083 --> 00:15:08,108
Isn't that right,
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?
145
00:15:08,318 --> 00:15:11,810
- That is affirmative.
- I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?
146
00:15:12,022 --> 00:15:14,650
The most sophisticated computer
in the world.
147
00:15:14,858 --> 00:15:18,157
I've intercepted communications
that several terrorist groups
148
00:15:18,362 --> 00:15:21,820
are being organized for one
massive worldwide attack.
149
00:15:22,032 --> 00:15:23,897
From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
Has gathered,
150
00:15:24,101 --> 00:15:26,661
it would be 9/11 times 100.
151
00:15:27,538 --> 00:15:30,996
9/11 times 100?
Jesus, that's...
152
00:15:31,241 --> 00:15:35,234
Yes, 91,100.
153
00:15:35,979 --> 00:15:39,540
Basically, all the worst parts
of the Bible.
154
00:15:39,783 --> 00:15:42,445
So now you see why we need you.
155
00:15:42,686 --> 00:15:46,713
We will disguise you as a terrorist and
take you deep into the Middle East.
156
00:15:46,924 --> 00:15:50,291
If your acting is successful, you'll be
able to get us the information we need
157
00:15:50,494 --> 00:15:52,724
to stop this whole thing
from happening.
158
00:15:52,930 --> 00:15:55,660
Of course, if you're not interested...
159
00:15:55,866 --> 00:15:57,891
...there's the door.
160
00:15:59,570 --> 00:16:02,038
All right. Thanks.
161
00:16:13,317 --> 00:16:16,047
Gary. Hey, hold on a second.
162
00:16:16,253 --> 00:16:19,689
Don't you understand?
Every country in the world is in danger.
163
00:16:19,890 --> 00:16:22,518
How is it my responsibility
to do something?
164
00:16:22,726 --> 00:16:26,924
Because like it or not, you're the one
with the power to do something.
165
00:16:29,399 --> 00:16:33,267
I can't fight terrorists. I don't know
anything about guns or jets.
166
00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:36,735
That doesn't matter.
If you wanna help people,
167
00:16:36,974 --> 00:16:41,274
all that matters, Gary,
is what you have here.
168
00:16:47,451 --> 00:16:51,046
Just think about it, okay?
Here, take this.
169
00:16:55,125 --> 00:16:58,993
Baxter will take you wherever
you wanna go. Just remember:
170
00:16:59,196 --> 00:17:02,222
Your freedom's at stake too.
171
00:17:13,944 --> 00:17:16,435
What do you think Spottswoode
sees in him?
172
00:17:16,647 --> 00:17:20,105
I don't know. But I think I see it too.
173
00:17:36,900 --> 00:17:38,993
Hey, Baxter.
174
00:17:39,670 --> 00:17:42,468
I wanna take a detour.
175
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,201
What would you do
176
00:17:45,409 --> 00:17:50,142
If you were asked to give up
Your dreams for freedom?
177
00:17:50,547 --> 00:17:52,378
What would you do
178
00:17:52,616 --> 00:17:56,814
If asked to make
The ultimate sacrifice?
179
00:17:57,020 --> 00:18:00,353
Would you think about
All them people
180
00:18:00,557 --> 00:18:04,323
Who gave up everything they had?
181
00:18:04,528 --> 00:18:07,861
Would you think about
All them war vets
182
00:18:08,065 --> 00:18:12,468
And would you start to feel bad?
183
00:18:14,438 --> 00:18:17,168
Freedom isn't free
184
00:18:17,374 --> 00:18:21,140
It costs folks like you and me
185
00:18:21,345 --> 00:18:23,506
And if we don't all chip in
186
00:18:23,714 --> 00:18:28,378
We'll never pay that bill
187
00:18:29,553 --> 00:18:32,488
Freedom isn't free
188
00:18:32,689 --> 00:18:36,250
No, there's a hefty fucking fee
189
00:18:36,460 --> 00:18:43,195
And if you don't throw in
Your buck o'five, who will?
190
00:18:44,668 --> 00:18:46,602
Buck o'five
191
00:18:46,803 --> 00:18:51,900
Freedom costs a buck o'five
192
00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:33,640
Our dear leader, Kim Jong II, says
the weapons of mass destruction
193
00:19:33,850 --> 00:19:36,614
you requested are ready
for you to take.
194
00:19:36,853 --> 00:19:38,548
I am still in the process of recruiting
195
00:19:38,755 --> 00:19:41,053
and training new terrorists
for the attack.
196
00:19:41,258 --> 00:19:43,818
We take weapons later.
197
00:19:51,101 --> 00:19:53,934
He asks what part of the deal
you did not understand.
198
00:19:54,137 --> 00:19:56,799
He says perhaps his translator
did not make it clear to you.
199
00:19:57,007 --> 00:20:00,704
He says he should fire
his translator?
200
00:20:04,181 --> 00:20:07,548
Do you have any idea
how fucking busy I am?
201
00:20:07,784 --> 00:20:10,719
I cannot berieve that I have
a Chechnyan standing here terring me
202
00:20:10,954 --> 00:20:12,785
when he's gonna take a derivery.
203
00:20:13,023 --> 00:20:14,615
Herro?
204
00:20:14,825 --> 00:20:17,350
Perhaps we can be ready sooner.
205
00:20:17,561 --> 00:20:19,756
Yes, perhaps you can.
206
00:20:19,997 --> 00:20:22,261
Now, take your weapons
of mass destruction
207
00:20:22,466 --> 00:20:25,492
and get the fuck out of here.
208
00:20:42,586 --> 00:20:45,521
I had to come back.
209
00:20:45,789 --> 00:20:48,815
- I know you did, son.
- I still say this is a fucking mistake.
210
00:20:49,059 --> 00:20:52,825
Stop it, Chris. I sense that you're
making him feel intimidated.
211
00:20:53,030 --> 00:20:54,429
Gary, I'm afraid there's no time.
212
00:20:54,631 --> 00:20:57,031
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Tells us
the attack is imminent.
213
00:20:57,234 --> 00:21:00,101
We need you to act like
a Middle Eastern terrorist right away.
214
00:21:00,303 --> 00:21:04,171
There's just one problem.
I don't look Middle Eastern.
215
00:21:05,742 --> 00:21:08,370
Leave that to us.
216
00:21:19,623 --> 00:21:20,891
Sarah's a professional at skin grafting
and laser "valmoriphication. "
217
00:21:20,891 --> 00:21:24,292
Sarah's a professional at skin grafting
and laser "valmoriphication. "
218
00:21:24,528 --> 00:21:26,428
Just try to be still.
219
00:22:03,166 --> 00:22:04,861
Amazing.
220
00:22:05,102 --> 00:22:06,694
The valmoriphication
completely worked.
221
00:22:06,903 --> 00:22:08,928
Sit up and take a look, Gary.
222
00:22:15,278 --> 00:22:16,745
It's uncanny.
223
00:22:17,614 --> 00:22:20,242
You're going to fool everyone, Gary.
224
00:22:20,450 --> 00:22:21,474
Or should I say...
225
00:22:21,685 --> 00:22:23,949
...Hakmed.
226
00:22:24,488 --> 00:22:28,083
All right, team, we've only got
one shot at this, so listen up.
227
00:22:28,325 --> 00:22:30,555
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
Has intercepted communications
228
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:33,957
that terrorists from different countries
are gathering at a tavern here,
229
00:22:34,164 --> 00:22:38,567
- in Cairo.
- Cairo. That's in Egypt.
230
00:22:38,802 --> 00:22:40,394
Exactly right, Joe.
231
00:22:40,604 --> 00:22:44,506
Now, team, your mission will be
to get Gary into that tavern.
232
00:22:44,708 --> 00:22:47,677
And once he's on the inside,
cover his back.
233
00:22:47,911 --> 00:22:49,970
Gary, you must use
your acting to find out
234
00:22:50,180 --> 00:22:53,172
any information you can
from the terrorists.
235
00:22:54,885 --> 00:22:57,979
Gary, if for some reason
your cover is blown
236
00:22:58,188 --> 00:23:00,281
and the terrorists take you prisoner,
237
00:23:00,524 --> 00:23:03,960
well, you'll probably want
to take your own life.
238
00:23:04,161 --> 00:23:06,721
Here, you'd better have this.
239
00:23:11,868 --> 00:23:14,769
All right, team, that's it.
We've got a job to do.
240
00:23:15,005 --> 00:23:18,441
Let's go police the world.
241
00:23:18,675 --> 00:23:21,838
America
242
00:23:22,045 --> 00:23:25,276
America
243
00:23:25,515 --> 00:23:28,177
America
Fuck, yeah
244
00:23:28,385 --> 00:23:31,149
Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
245
00:23:31,354 --> 00:23:33,948
America
Fuck, yeah
246
00:23:34,191 --> 00:23:36,682
Freedom is the only way, yeah
247
00:23:36,893 --> 00:23:39,453
Terrorists, your game is through
248
00:23:39,663 --> 00:23:42,223
'Cause now you have to answer to
249
00:23:42,465 --> 00:23:44,831
America
Fuck, yeah
250
00:23:45,368 --> 00:23:48,064
So lick my butt
And suck on my balls
251
00:23:48,338 --> 00:23:51,307
America
Fuck, yeah
252
00:23:53,076 --> 00:23:55,601
What if the old man is wrong
about him, huh?
253
00:23:55,845 --> 00:23:59,372
What if he's not the great actor
Spottswoode says he is?
254
00:24:00,550 --> 00:24:03,644
Why don't you trust actors, Chris?
255
00:24:05,088 --> 00:24:07,648
I got my reasons.
256
00:24:11,528 --> 00:24:13,223
You all right, Gary?
257
00:24:14,197 --> 00:24:15,994
I was just thinking.
258
00:24:16,199 --> 00:24:19,600
On-stage, if I mess up a line,
it could mean a bad review.
259
00:24:19,803 --> 00:24:21,896
If I mess up here,
260
00:24:22,105 --> 00:24:24,039
we're all dead.
261
00:24:24,708 --> 00:24:27,643
I believe you can do this, Gary.
262
00:24:27,844 --> 00:24:31,211
Why? What reason do you
have to believe?
263
00:24:32,649 --> 00:24:37,052
Sometimes believing is all we have.
264
00:25:31,174 --> 00:25:34,234
Fear not, Muslim friends.
We're here to find terrorists.
265
00:25:34,444 --> 00:25:37,811
I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety.
266
00:25:38,014 --> 00:25:41,609
All right, good job, Sarah.
Now, everyone make for the tavern.
267
00:25:41,818 --> 00:25:44,412
Let's get one thing straight, actor.
I don't trust you.
268
00:25:44,621 --> 00:25:47,749
If you betray us, I'll rip your fucking
balls off and stuff them up your ass
269
00:25:47,957 --> 00:25:50,949
so that the next time you shit,
you'll shit all over your balls, got it?
270
00:25:51,161 --> 00:25:53,493
- What's your problem with me?
- Yeah, you wanna go?
271
00:25:53,697 --> 00:25:54,789
Guys, guys, guys!
272
00:25:54,998 --> 00:25:57,660
Don't you see this is just
what the terrorists want us to do?
273
00:25:57,867 --> 00:26:02,463
The war is out there, man. Out there.
Now, pull it together.
274
00:26:03,907 --> 00:26:07,434
All right, team, let's move
to the inner city. Keep it quiet.
275
00:26:18,988 --> 00:26:19,977
- Clear.
- Clear.
276
00:26:20,190 --> 00:26:21,179
- Clear.
- Clear.
277
00:26:21,391 --> 00:26:23,120
Gary, you follow me.
The rest of the team,
278
00:26:23,326 --> 00:26:26,227
take super-secret hiding positions
Alpha One.
279
00:26:28,665 --> 00:26:31,225
All right, that's the tavern
with the blue door.
280
00:26:31,501 --> 00:26:35,665
Act your way past those guards
and see what you can find out.
281
00:26:35,905 --> 00:26:38,738
Remember, if you think they're
onto you, give us the signal.
282
00:26:38,942 --> 00:26:41,240
You remember the signal?
283
00:26:42,746 --> 00:26:46,238
That's right. All right, good luck.
284
00:26:48,351 --> 00:26:51,115
Go get them, cowboy.
285
00:27:21,985 --> 00:27:23,384
Oh, shit.
286
00:27:23,620 --> 00:27:26,214
Come on, Gary, act.
You have the power.
287
00:27:45,008 --> 00:27:47,499
- All right, Gary!
- Told you he was top gun.
288
00:27:47,710 --> 00:27:51,806
- I've never seen acting that good.
- He's amazing.
289
00:28:09,466 --> 00:28:12,196
Yeah, no, I know.
It's terrible, terrible.
290
00:28:13,536 --> 00:28:17,700
We are Bashir rebels from
the country of Somalia. Who are you?
291
00:28:19,142 --> 00:28:23,636
My name is Hakmed. I'm a terrorist.
292
00:28:25,615 --> 00:28:29,608
Anybody know of any terrorist attacks
coming up soon?
293
00:28:43,032 --> 00:28:46,229
I sense that I'm becoming
attracted to Gary.
294
00:28:47,403 --> 00:28:50,429
My advice is not to get involved
with a team member, Sarah.
295
00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:53,803
It's too painful to see them die.
296
00:28:54,043 --> 00:28:56,477
I'm sorry, Lisa.
I didn't mean to bring up...
297
00:28:56,679 --> 00:29:00,137
It's okay, Sarah.
I treasure your friendship.
298
00:29:00,383 --> 00:29:02,851
I treasure yours, Lisa.
299
00:29:08,992 --> 00:29:12,860
Hey, have you ever thought
of telling Sarah how you feel?
300
00:29:13,696 --> 00:29:18,065
What would a girl like Sarah want
with a simple Nebraska boy like me?
301
00:29:18,301 --> 00:29:21,702
I don't know nothing about fancy cars
and fancy restaurants.
302
00:29:22,372 --> 00:29:27,309
Still, I'd love to show her
a full-moon night on the cornfields.
303
00:29:40,590 --> 00:29:42,524
What do you know?
304
00:29:43,026 --> 00:29:46,393
I heard there might be
a large terrorist attack.
305
00:29:46,596 --> 00:29:50,293
If you tell me what it is,
maybe I could help out.
306
00:29:50,533 --> 00:29:53,866
Get out of here. We have put out
a jihad on the infidels
307
00:29:54,103 --> 00:29:56,663
because they destroyed our lives.
308
00:29:57,106 --> 00:30:01,042
What do you know
about pain and sadness?
309
00:30:02,278 --> 00:30:05,213
Gary. Help me! Help me!
310
00:30:05,415 --> 00:30:09,317
Get him off!
Get this thing off of me! Gary!
311
00:30:11,220 --> 00:30:14,087
I was just a boy when the infidels
came to my village
312
00:30:14,290 --> 00:30:17,088
in their Black Hawk helicopters.
313
00:30:17,961 --> 00:30:22,295
The infidels fired at the oil fields
and they lit up like the eyes of Allah.
314
00:30:22,498 --> 00:30:26,127
Burning oil rained down from the sky
and cooked everything it touched.
315
00:30:26,369 --> 00:30:29,270
I could only hide myself and cry
as my goats were consumed
316
00:30:29,472 --> 00:30:31,372
by the fiery, black liquid death.
317
00:30:34,177 --> 00:30:35,974
In the midst of the chaos,
318
00:30:36,179 --> 00:30:40,843
I could swear that I heard my goats
screaming for help.
319
00:30:42,752 --> 00:30:46,313
As quickly as they had come,
the infidels were gone.
320
00:30:46,522 --> 00:30:51,050
It was on that day
I put a jihad on them.
321
00:30:53,429 --> 00:30:57,729
And if you don't believe it,
then you better kill me now,
322
00:30:57,934 --> 00:31:01,233
because I'll put a jihad on you too.
323
00:31:06,809 --> 00:31:10,245
I like you. You have balls.
324
00:31:10,446 --> 00:31:12,937
I like balls.
325
00:31:14,917 --> 00:31:17,283
All right, listen carefully.
The WMDs are located
326
00:31:17,487 --> 00:31:20,581
in a secret bunker 20 yards east
of this building.
327
00:31:20,790 --> 00:31:23,281
You can help us by guarding it
and making...
328
00:31:27,230 --> 00:31:29,061
Come. They're onto us!
329
00:31:29,265 --> 00:31:31,096
Hurry, friend.
We must make our escape.
330
00:31:35,071 --> 00:31:39,030
Shit. I've got five terrorists going
southeast on Baka laka daka Street.
331
00:31:39,342 --> 00:31:40,604
Don't let them get away.
332
00:31:46,649 --> 00:31:48,913
I sense Gary's trapped
inside the tavern.
333
00:31:49,152 --> 00:31:52,315
Copy, Sarah. You get Gary,
we'll go after the terrorists.
334
00:31:52,522 --> 00:31:55,787
America
335
00:31:56,025 --> 00:31:58,653
America
Fuck, yeah
336
00:31:58,861 --> 00:32:01,694
Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
337
00:32:01,898 --> 00:32:04,389
America
Fuck, yeah
338
00:32:04,600 --> 00:32:07,933
Freedom is the only way, yeah
339
00:32:08,171 --> 00:32:10,731
It's the dream that we all share
340
00:32:11,340 --> 00:32:14,173
It's the hope for tomorrow
341
00:32:14,410 --> 00:32:16,002
Go faster, you idiot.
342
00:32:21,384 --> 00:32:24,148
Die! Infidels!
343
00:32:31,561 --> 00:32:34,155
- They're not stopping.
- They had their chance.
344
00:32:43,039 --> 00:32:44,506
Missed. Wide right.
345
00:32:47,076 --> 00:32:49,237
One of the terrorists is trying
to tell us something.
346
00:32:49,779 --> 00:32:51,576
It's me. It's me.
347
00:32:52,014 --> 00:32:55,506
Looks like he's saying,
"Kiss me. Kiss me. "
348
00:32:55,718 --> 00:32:56,980
Smartass motherfucker.
349
00:33:11,234 --> 00:33:13,725
- Gary?
- An infidel.
350
00:33:13,970 --> 00:33:15,870
Kill her.
351
00:33:26,182 --> 00:33:27,513
Gary?
352
00:33:31,621 --> 00:33:34,886
- Sarah to Team America Four.
- What you got, Sarah?
353
00:33:35,124 --> 00:33:38,457
Gary isn't in the tavern.
I think he may be with...
354
00:33:38,661 --> 00:33:42,119
- Say again. You're breaking up.
- Joe, do you copy?
355
00:33:42,365 --> 00:33:45,061
- I'll get him.
- Lisa?
356
00:33:48,638 --> 00:33:50,265
I lost her.
357
00:33:50,473 --> 00:33:53,931
It's all right. We'll kill these guys,
then we'll find out what she wants.
358
00:33:54,143 --> 00:33:55,735
Right.
359
00:34:02,819 --> 00:34:04,480
Hey, guys, I think
we should pull over.
360
00:34:04,687 --> 00:34:06,416
Pull over? Yes, of course.
361
00:34:06,622 --> 00:34:09,489
Pull over, let them pass us, and when
they turn around, we charge them.
362
00:34:09,692 --> 00:34:11,284
I love your balls.
363
00:34:14,897 --> 00:34:16,762
Shit, they got by me.
364
00:34:20,169 --> 00:34:23,536
- What are we doing?
- This jeep is filled with explosives.
365
00:34:23,739 --> 00:34:26,264
We're going to take their lives
and our own.
366
00:34:26,475 --> 00:34:28,340
We're gonna what?
367
00:34:29,378 --> 00:34:31,437
- Hang on, Joe.
- Die, infidels.
368
00:34:43,059 --> 00:34:44,321
Surprise, cockfags!
369
00:35:02,545 --> 00:35:04,740
All right. We fucking did it.
370
00:35:08,351 --> 00:35:13,220
Spottswoode, it's Lisa. Gary found the
WMDs and the terrorists are down.
371
00:35:13,422 --> 00:35:17,415
Great job, team. Head back to base
for debriefing and cocktails.
372
00:35:21,095 --> 00:35:24,656
This is breaking news
with Peter Jennings.
373
00:35:25,433 --> 00:35:28,561
Team America has once again
pissed off the entire world
374
00:35:28,769 --> 00:35:30,600
after blowing up half of Cairo.
375
00:35:30,805 --> 00:35:33,740
And now some Hollywood celebrities
are lashing out.
376
00:35:33,941 --> 00:35:37,502
Alec Baldwin is head
of the Film Actors Guild.
377
00:35:38,279 --> 00:35:39,678
The Film Actors Guild believes
378
00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:42,371
that what the world needs
is compassion, not violence.
379
00:35:42,583 --> 00:35:46,417
All that Team America
does is create new enemies.
380
00:35:46,887 --> 00:35:48,878
Let me explain to you
how this works.
381
00:35:49,090 --> 00:35:52,389
You see, the corporations
finance Team America.
382
00:35:52,593 --> 00:35:56,188
And then Team America goes out,
and the corporations sit there in their...
383
00:35:56,397 --> 00:36:00,595
In their corporation buildings,
and, see, they're all corporation-y,
384
00:36:00,801 --> 00:36:03,429
and they make money.
385
00:36:03,637 --> 00:36:05,366
Last year I went to Iraq.
386
00:36:05,573 --> 00:36:08,440
Before Team America showed up,
it was a happy place.
387
00:36:08,642 --> 00:36:10,610
They had flowery meadows
and rainbow skies
388
00:36:10,811 --> 00:36:13,075
and rivers made of chocolate,
where the children danced
389
00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:16,443
and laughed and played
with gumdrop smiles.
390
00:36:16,650 --> 00:36:18,550
The actors are calling
for an emergency meeting.
391
00:36:18,753 --> 00:36:20,778
Already expected to attend
are Helen Hunt,
392
00:36:20,988 --> 00:36:25,948
George Clooney, Liv Tyler,
Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon,
393
00:36:26,160 --> 00:36:28,594
Janeane Garofalo
and Matt Damon.
394
00:36:28,796 --> 00:36:31,594
Matt Damon.
395
00:36:31,799 --> 00:36:34,962
In the meantime, the world wants
to deal with dangerous individuals
396
00:36:35,169 --> 00:36:36,466
their own way.
397
00:36:54,789 --> 00:36:57,587
Hans Brix? Oh, no.
398
00:36:58,993 --> 00:37:02,258
Oh, herro,
great to see you again, Hans.
399
00:37:02,463 --> 00:37:05,955
Mr. II, I was supposed to be allowed
to inspect your palace today,
400
00:37:06,167 --> 00:37:09,330
and your guards won't let me into
certain areas.
401
00:37:09,537 --> 00:37:12,836
Hans, Hans, Hans. We've been
through this a dozen times.
402
00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:16,840
I don't have any weapons
of mass destruction, okay, Hans?
403
00:37:17,044 --> 00:37:20,275
Then let me look around so I can
ease the U.N.'s collective mind.
404
00:37:20,481 --> 00:37:23,780
Hans, you're breaking my barrs here.
Hans, you're breaking my barrs.
405
00:37:23,984 --> 00:37:26,680
I'm sorry, but the U.N. Must be
firm with you.
406
00:37:26,887 --> 00:37:29,981
Let me see your whole palace
or else.
407
00:37:30,191 --> 00:37:32,318
Or else what?
408
00:37:32,526 --> 00:37:36,485
Or else we will be very,
very angry with you.
409
00:37:36,697 --> 00:37:40,963
And we will write you a letter
telling you how angry we are.
410
00:37:41,602 --> 00:37:44,696
Okay, I'll show you, Hans.
You ready?
411
00:37:44,905 --> 00:37:46,873
Stand a rittle to your reft.
412
00:37:49,043 --> 00:37:50,772
A rittle more.
413
00:37:51,812 --> 00:37:53,143
Good.
414
00:37:59,053 --> 00:38:00,145
There you go, Hans Brix.
415
00:38:00,354 --> 00:38:03,482
How you rike that,
you fucking cocksucker?
416
00:38:05,759 --> 00:38:09,024
Do you have any idea
how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix?
417
00:38:09,263 --> 00:38:11,254
Well, fuck you.
You want inspection?
418
00:38:11,465 --> 00:38:15,060
Well, inspect that,
you buttfucking piece of shit.
419
00:38:15,870 --> 00:38:18,100
What, you think I'm just
a petty arms dearer?
420
00:38:18,339 --> 00:38:19,931
I'm pranning the attack.
421
00:38:20,141 --> 00:38:24,805
Congraturations, Team America,
you have stopped nothing.
422
00:38:43,831 --> 00:38:47,323
Congratulations, Gary.
You've done an amazing thing.
423
00:38:47,535 --> 00:38:51,335
It will be years before the terrorists
have the resources to attack again.
424
00:38:51,539 --> 00:38:53,905
We're gonna be unstoppable
with you on the team, Gary.
425
00:38:54,108 --> 00:38:56,838
Terrorists, your game is through.
426
00:38:57,478 --> 00:38:58,968
You're the best, Gary.
427
00:39:00,814 --> 00:39:03,942
So this terrorist is shooting at us
from the back of his jeep, and he...
428
00:39:04,151 --> 00:39:06,119
You might have all the others fooled,
but not me.
429
00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:09,312
Your acting was reckless
and it put us all in danger.
430
00:39:09,523 --> 00:39:12,822
The next time you pull a stunt like that,
I'll drill two holes through your dick
431
00:39:13,027 --> 00:39:16,793
so that when you pee, it shoots out
in all different directions. You got it?
432
00:39:18,699 --> 00:39:20,599
Hey, Sarah, do you mind
if I dance with you?
433
00:39:20,801 --> 00:39:23,167
No, of course not, Joe.
434
00:39:32,713 --> 00:39:36,114
Joe, do you think it's okay
for team members to date?
435
00:39:36,951 --> 00:39:39,283
Sarah, really?
436
00:39:39,486 --> 00:39:41,181
Yeah. Do you think it's all right?
437
00:39:41,388 --> 00:39:43,856
I think it's better than all right.
It's great!
438
00:39:44,058 --> 00:39:46,322
Oh, good. I'm so glad you think so.
439
00:40:00,741 --> 00:40:02,208
Gary? You okay?
440
00:40:03,577 --> 00:40:08,537
I was just wondering if I can let go
of an old, painful memory.
441
00:40:09,116 --> 00:40:11,641
Is it anything
that you wanna talk about?
442
00:40:12,253 --> 00:40:16,383
When I was a kid, I always looked up
to my older brother, Tommy.
443
00:40:16,590 --> 00:40:19,753
He was the jock,
and I was the little performer.
444
00:40:20,594 --> 00:40:22,926
We were all out at the zoo one day.
445
00:40:23,130 --> 00:40:27,396
I was doing some acting, walking
on the railing of the gorilla exhibit.
446
00:40:27,601 --> 00:40:29,398
I fell in.
447
00:40:29,603 --> 00:40:32,902
Everyone screamed,
and Tommy jumped in after me,
448
00:40:33,107 --> 00:40:36,372
forgetting that he had blueberries
in his front pocket.
449
00:40:37,378 --> 00:40:39,471
The gorillas just went wild.
450
00:40:39,947 --> 00:40:43,007
They jumped all over his body
and threw him around like a rag doll
451
00:40:43,217 --> 00:40:44,912
to get to those blueberries.
452
00:40:45,119 --> 00:40:49,385
One gorilla would throw him to another
gorilla, who tossed him to another.
453
00:40:51,959 --> 00:40:54,359
Everyone panicked and cried out
for somebody to help,
454
00:40:54,561 --> 00:40:56,529
but it was too late.
455
00:40:56,730 --> 00:41:02,032
The gorillas beat him to death before
the zookeepers could gas them all.
456
00:41:05,272 --> 00:41:06,762
My acting...
457
00:41:06,974 --> 00:41:08,601
...got my brother killed.
458
00:41:08,809 --> 00:41:10,538
I've had to live with that...
459
00:41:10,744 --> 00:41:13,110
...every single day.
460
00:41:13,314 --> 00:41:17,250
Gary, you can't blame yourself
for what gorillas did.
461
00:41:17,618 --> 00:41:20,086
I think I can finally let it go.
462
00:41:20,287 --> 00:41:23,723
Because my acting
saved the entire world.
463
00:41:23,957 --> 00:41:25,720
And something
even better happened.
464
00:41:25,926 --> 00:41:27,450
What?
465
00:41:27,661 --> 00:41:31,893
I met somebody
who took my breath away.
466
00:41:36,937 --> 00:41:39,235
Gary, no.
467
00:41:39,707 --> 00:41:40,799
I'm sorry.
468
00:41:41,008 --> 00:41:44,842
It's just...
Things are really complicated, Gary.
469
00:41:45,079 --> 00:41:47,013
I know about Carson.
470
00:41:47,214 --> 00:41:49,682
I know how it feels.
471
00:41:49,883 --> 00:41:51,976
God, I'm so confused.
472
00:41:52,186 --> 00:41:54,984
It's too soon to be
having feelings for you.
473
00:41:56,323 --> 00:42:00,760
Maybe feelings are feelings
because we can't control them.
474
00:42:01,028 --> 00:42:02,655
But I have to control them
475
00:42:02,863 --> 00:42:05,798
because I can't go through losing
somebody again. It's too painful.
476
00:42:05,999 --> 00:42:08,433
So... So, what, you're just
gonna shut down?
477
00:42:08,635 --> 00:42:10,330
I really like you.
478
00:42:10,537 --> 00:42:13,563
There's no chance
we can ever be together?
479
00:42:15,109 --> 00:42:18,670
Only if you could promise me
you'll never die.
480
00:42:18,879 --> 00:42:20,938
You know I can't promise that.
481
00:42:21,148 --> 00:42:24,515
If you did that,
I would make love to you right now.
482
00:42:29,123 --> 00:42:32,854
I promise. I will never die.
483
00:42:49,877 --> 00:42:55,008
I need this, I need love
I need you
484
00:42:56,617 --> 00:43:02,112
I don't need one heartbeat
I need two
485
00:43:03,090 --> 00:43:06,116
There's an emptiness I need to fill
486
00:43:06,326 --> 00:43:10,729
And only one emptiness will do
487
00:43:10,931 --> 00:43:17,234
Only a woman
Can brighten up my day
488
00:43:18,038 --> 00:43:24,534
Only a woman
Can touch me the right way, yeah
489
00:43:24,745 --> 00:43:31,309
Only a woman
Is allowed to touch me there
490
00:43:31,552 --> 00:43:35,648
All I ask
Is that you're a woman
491
00:43:59,213 --> 00:44:03,673
All I ask
Is that you're a woman
492
00:44:07,354 --> 00:44:11,450
Please just be a woman
493
00:43:37,630 --> 00:43:41,566
Lisa, you're the most amazing person
I've ever met.
494
00:43:41,768 --> 00:43:45,602
It's only been a short time,
but I think that I'm completely in love...
495
00:43:45,972 --> 00:43:48,304
Let's not talk.
496
00:43:48,575 --> 00:43:50,566
I can't help it.
This just feels so right,
497
00:43:50,777 --> 00:43:53,439
and I don't want anything
to mess it up.
498
00:43:55,849 --> 00:44:00,183
There's not a thing in the world
that can mess this up.
499
00:45:48,328 --> 00:45:51,161
Team, I'm afraid I have bad news.
500
00:45:51,364 --> 00:45:56,529
At 7:15 this morning,
the terrorists carried out their attack.
501
00:45:57,370 --> 00:45:59,702
- What?
- But how can that be?
502
00:45:59,906 --> 00:46:01,965
Gary stopped the terrorists
in Cairo.
503
00:46:02,175 --> 00:46:04,302
It appears now that
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Was wrong
504
00:46:04,510 --> 00:46:06,740
about the Chechnyans
being in charge.
505
00:46:06,980 --> 00:46:08,880
That was bad,
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
506
00:46:09,082 --> 00:46:12,540
- Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
- I'm sorry.
507
00:46:12,752 --> 00:46:16,313
We have to find out who did this
and take them down. Fast.
508
00:46:17,757 --> 00:46:21,215
Sir, I am intercepting communications
about the terrorists' identities.
509
00:46:21,427 --> 00:46:23,520
On screen.
510
00:46:23,730 --> 00:46:26,995
This is breaking news
with Peter Jennings.
511
00:46:27,267 --> 00:46:30,100
An attack in Panama today
has left thousands dead.
512
00:46:30,303 --> 00:46:34,399
Taking credit were terrorists
from Derka Derkastan.
513
00:46:34,607 --> 00:46:36,734
Of course, Derka Derkastan.
514
00:46:36,943 --> 00:46:39,503
The terrorists claim that the attack
was a retaliation
515
00:46:39,712 --> 00:46:42,044
for Team America's actions in Cairo.
516
00:46:42,248 --> 00:46:45,843
Alec Baldwin is rallying all
the members of the Film Actors Guild.
517
00:46:46,052 --> 00:46:48,282
- Alec Baldwin?
- Gary?
518
00:46:48,521 --> 00:46:50,284
He's my hero.
519
00:46:50,523 --> 00:46:52,684
The single greatest actor
of all time.
520
00:46:53,059 --> 00:46:56,392
Who is to blame for these attacks
in Panama?
521
00:46:56,596 --> 00:46:57,893
The terrorists?
522
00:46:58,097 --> 00:47:00,292
The person who supplied them
with WMDs?
523
00:47:00,533 --> 00:47:04,264
No. Blame Team America.
524
00:47:05,171 --> 00:47:09,301
Their reckless disregard in Cairo
brought on this violence today.
525
00:47:09,542 --> 00:47:14,946
Team America, the blood of the victims
of Panama is on your hands.
526
00:47:17,750 --> 00:47:19,741
Moved by Baldwin's
impassioned speech,
527
00:47:19,952 --> 00:47:23,080
hundreds of people turned out
at Mount Rushmore today to protest.
528
00:47:27,327 --> 00:47:29,261
Hey, that's here.
529
00:47:29,462 --> 00:47:31,930
Tom, it looks like filmmaker
Michael Moore
530
00:47:32,131 --> 00:47:35,897
is also jumping on the
"Fuck Team America" bandwagon.
531
00:47:36,602 --> 00:47:38,399
Protesting is not enough.
532
00:47:38,604 --> 00:47:42,597
We must take radical action against
the fascists in our own country.
533
00:47:42,809 --> 00:47:46,142
Bring it down! Bring it all down!
534
00:47:51,784 --> 00:47:54,776
Team, if the Derka Derkastanis
have weapons of mass destruction,
535
00:47:55,021 --> 00:47:59,117
I'm afraid it could be
9/11 times 1,000.
536
00:47:59,359 --> 00:48:01,122
- Jesus, you mean...?
- Yes.
537
00:48:01,327 --> 00:48:04,819
Nine hundred and eleven thousand.
538
00:48:05,031 --> 00:48:06,999
Then forget all these assholes.
We got work to do.
539
00:48:07,467 --> 00:48:10,334
Yes, let's get Gary valmorphanized
so he can use his acting.
540
00:48:10,536 --> 00:48:12,003
My acting?
541
00:48:12,205 --> 00:48:15,800
My acting? My acting just got
a thousand people killed.
542
00:48:16,008 --> 00:48:17,475
Jesus, I've done it again.
543
00:48:17,677 --> 00:48:20,874
Pull yourself together, Gary.
We need you now more than ever.
544
00:48:21,080 --> 00:48:23,275
- I'm through with this.
- Gary, you can't go.
545
00:48:23,483 --> 00:48:24,950
Without you, the team is doomed.
546
00:48:25,151 --> 00:48:28,518
Remember, there is no "I"
in Team America.
547
00:48:28,721 --> 00:48:30,689
Yes, there is.
548
00:48:33,626 --> 00:48:35,059
I know it's hard, Gary.
549
00:48:35,261 --> 00:48:38,355
But you're still the only hope
to stop these newer terrorists.
550
00:48:38,564 --> 00:48:41,362
Why me? Why am I the only one?
551
00:48:41,567 --> 00:48:43,296
Because you're the one
with the power to...
552
00:48:43,503 --> 00:48:46,472
Well, I don't want the fucking power!
553
00:48:48,241 --> 00:48:50,175
I don't want the guilt,
I don't want the shame
554
00:48:50,376 --> 00:48:52,207
and I don't want the responsibility.
555
00:48:52,512 --> 00:48:55,242
Then what about all the things
you promised last night?
556
00:48:55,448 --> 00:48:57,211
You said you'd never leave.
557
00:48:58,050 --> 00:49:02,714
I said I'd never die.
But now I'm dead inside.
558
00:49:03,790 --> 00:49:05,985
You slept with Gary?
559
00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:10,861
- Sarah.
- But you knew I liked Gary.
560
00:49:11,063 --> 00:49:13,054
I told you.
561
00:49:13,266 --> 00:49:15,928
You like Gary?
562
00:49:16,169 --> 00:49:18,569
Oh, I see.
563
00:49:18,805 --> 00:49:22,400
- I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah.
- Save it, Lisa.
564
00:49:24,177 --> 00:49:27,578
You see? All I do is hurt people.
565
00:49:27,814 --> 00:49:31,272
Gary, you didn't kill your brother.
Those gorillas did.
566
00:49:34,887 --> 00:49:37,583
I'm sorry I'm not the man
you think I am.
567
00:49:37,790 --> 00:49:40,258
I'm just bad news.
568
00:49:41,227 --> 00:49:43,593
I'll never act again.
569
00:49:51,304 --> 00:49:52,862
Fuck him. We don't need an actor.
570
00:49:53,072 --> 00:49:54,562
We can take out
the Derka Derkastanis
571
00:49:54,774 --> 00:49:56,435
the old-fashioned way.
572
00:49:56,642 --> 00:49:58,803
No. It would be a suicide mission.
573
00:49:59,011 --> 00:50:02,947
That's all right.
I feel a little bit like dying.
574
00:50:05,751 --> 00:50:07,844
Goddamn it, Gary.
575
00:50:13,359 --> 00:50:18,230
America
Fuck, yeah
576
00:50:19,332 --> 00:50:24,634
Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
577
00:50:24,837 --> 00:50:29,331
America
Fuck, yeah
578
00:50:30,776 --> 00:50:36,305
Freedom is the only way
Yeah
579
00:50:36,516 --> 00:50:41,647
Terrorists, your game is through
580
00:50:41,854 --> 00:50:46,484
'Cause now you have to answer to
581
00:50:47,493 --> 00:50:53,022
America
Fuck, yeah
582
00:50:53,833 --> 00:50:57,667
America
Fuck
583
00:50:57,870 --> 00:51:02,034
Gary! Help me!
Get this thing off of me! Gary!
584
00:51:05,545 --> 00:51:08,981
All right, team.
We're nearing Derka Derkastan.
585
00:51:09,181 --> 00:51:10,808
Let's get ready.
586
00:51:12,051 --> 00:51:13,951
Look out! We've got terrorist aircraft.
587
00:51:20,693 --> 00:51:22,854
There's only five of them, team.
This should be easy.
588
00:51:23,062 --> 00:51:24,620
I've got Korean aircraft at 1 o'clock.
589
00:51:26,566 --> 00:51:27,863
What are they doing here?
590
00:51:32,838 --> 00:51:35,136
Shoot them down. Rike dogs.
591
00:51:35,341 --> 00:51:38,003
Kim Jong II?
Why is he helping terrorists?
592
00:51:46,185 --> 00:51:47,675
I've got one on my tail!
593
00:51:49,889 --> 00:51:51,481
I got you, Sarah.
594
00:51:55,861 --> 00:51:57,294
Bring in the submarines.
595
00:52:00,533 --> 00:52:04,025
What the hell? Something's shooting
at us from the water.
596
00:52:04,236 --> 00:52:07,501
- It must be a Korean sub.
- Chris, you've gotta take them out.
597
00:52:07,707 --> 00:52:09,868
I'm already on it.
598
00:52:15,915 --> 00:52:17,348
These guys really snuck up on us.
599
00:52:17,550 --> 00:52:20,178
Yeah, there's a lot of that
going around lately.
600
00:52:20,386 --> 00:52:22,786
Sarah, you know I didn't mean
to hurt you.
601
00:52:22,989 --> 00:52:24,684
No, you just didn't care if you did.
602
00:52:26,792 --> 00:52:28,555
Now, come on, Sarah,
that isn't fair.
603
00:52:28,761 --> 00:52:31,127
Lisa can't help it
if Gary has feelings for her.
604
00:52:31,397 --> 00:52:35,128
Just like nobody can help it
if you have feelings for Gary.
605
00:52:39,505 --> 00:52:41,063
What is that supposed to mean?
606
00:52:41,273 --> 00:52:43,173
Oh, come on, Sarah.
You mean you never realized
607
00:52:43,376 --> 00:52:45,105
Joe has feelings for you?
608
00:52:48,481 --> 00:52:50,711
Joe? But you're like a brother to me.
609
00:52:52,585 --> 00:52:55,918
That's all I ever am. Like a brother.
It isn't fair.
610
00:53:02,094 --> 00:53:04,494
Hang on, team.
Someone has broken into the hangar.
611
00:53:04,697 --> 00:53:07,131
- Baxter?
- Hey, Team America.
612
00:53:07,400 --> 00:53:09,630
I got something for you.
613
00:53:09,902 --> 00:53:13,133
- What the hell?
- Prepare to die.
614
00:53:16,275 --> 00:53:18,971
Jesus titty-fucking...
615
00:53:22,481 --> 00:53:23,641
...Christ!
616
00:53:24,316 --> 00:53:25,408
Spottswoode!
617
00:53:27,953 --> 00:53:29,443
Oh, my God!
618
00:53:30,990 --> 00:53:33,481
No. He can't be dead.
619
00:53:34,460 --> 00:53:36,428
We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
620
00:53:36,662 --> 00:53:39,096
I repeat,
we have no I.N. T.E.L.L.I. G.E.N. C.E.
621
00:53:39,331 --> 00:53:42,425
Their computers are down.
Attack!
622
00:53:46,439 --> 00:53:49,101
- Sarah!
- I sense I'm going down.
623
00:53:51,477 --> 00:53:53,672
Sarah! God, Chris,
you gotta help her.
624
00:53:53,946 --> 00:53:55,846
I'm on it. Just hang on, Sarah.
625
00:53:58,984 --> 00:54:00,679
Oh, fuck, I've been hit.
626
00:54:01,253 --> 00:54:03,414
Chris, come in.
627
00:54:03,656 --> 00:54:05,920
- Oh, Jesus, I'm hit!
- Lisa!
628
00:54:06,158 --> 00:54:07,147
- Going down.
- Goddamn it,
629
00:54:07,359 --> 00:54:09,418
I'm gonna have to breach.
630
00:54:12,498 --> 00:54:14,295
I'm gonna hit the water.
631
00:54:15,401 --> 00:54:17,164
Missile lock. I've got missile lock.
632
00:54:17,403 --> 00:54:19,530
I've gotta bail out.
633
00:54:36,088 --> 00:54:40,252
Salvage their ships. If you find anyone
arive, you know what to do with them.
634
00:54:43,629 --> 00:54:45,597
Terrorists on screen.
635
00:54:46,699 --> 00:54:50,567
Okay, who brew up Panama Canal?
636
00:54:50,770 --> 00:54:52,761
We were angry about Cairo.
637
00:54:53,005 --> 00:54:55,098
Goddamn it, how many times
do I have to tell you?
638
00:54:55,307 --> 00:54:58,105
You don't use the WMDs
until you see the signal.
639
00:54:58,310 --> 00:55:00,073
I have worked ten years
on this pran.
640
00:55:00,279 --> 00:55:03,009
It is a very precise
and a compricated pran.
641
00:55:03,215 --> 00:55:05,342
I am sick of you terrorists
fucking it up.
642
00:55:05,551 --> 00:55:07,075
Now, take the weapons
where I told you
643
00:55:07,286 --> 00:55:11,382
and wait for the goddamn signal
this time. Goodbye.
644
00:55:12,658 --> 00:55:15,752
Why is everyone so fucking stupid?
645
00:55:16,595 --> 00:55:20,531
Why aren't more people interrigent?
Rike me?
646
00:55:22,401 --> 00:55:26,462
I'm so ronery
647
00:55:26,672 --> 00:55:28,606
So ronery
648
00:55:28,808 --> 00:55:32,539
So ronery and sadry arone
649
00:55:32,745 --> 00:55:37,205
There's no one
Just me onry
650
00:55:37,416 --> 00:55:41,147
Sitting on my rittle throne
651
00:55:41,420 --> 00:55:45,254
I work rearry hard
And make up great prans
652
00:55:45,457 --> 00:55:49,757
But nobody ristens
No one understands
653
00:55:49,962 --> 00:55:55,832
Seems rike no one
Takes me seriousry
654
00:55:56,502 --> 00:55:58,060
And so
655
00:55:58,270 --> 00:56:00,795
I'm ronery
656
00:56:01,841 --> 00:56:03,775
A rittle ronery
657
00:56:04,443 --> 00:56:08,846
Poor rittle me
658
00:56:13,886 --> 00:56:18,755
There's nobody I can rerate to
659
00:56:19,124 --> 00:56:22,616
Feel rike a bird in a cage
660
00:56:22,828 --> 00:56:26,195
It's kind of sirry
But not rearry
661
00:56:26,799 --> 00:56:30,826
Because it's firring my body
With rage
662
00:56:31,036 --> 00:56:35,973
I'm the smartest, most crever
Most physicarry fit
663
00:56:36,208 --> 00:56:39,439
But nobody else seems to rearize it
664
00:56:39,645 --> 00:56:46,016
When I change the world
Maybe they'll notice me
665
00:56:46,218 --> 00:56:47,685
And until then
666
00:56:47,887 --> 00:56:50,651
I'll just be ronery
667
00:56:51,557 --> 00:56:54,526
Yeah, a rittle ronery
668
00:56:54,727 --> 00:56:59,721
Poor rittle me
669
00:57:03,636 --> 00:57:09,666
I'm so ronery
670
00:57:26,926 --> 00:57:28,587
What would you do
671
00:57:28,794 --> 00:57:33,390
If you were asked to give up
Your dreams for freedom?
672
00:57:34,133 --> 00:57:37,569
What would you do if asked
To make the ultimate sacrifice?
673
00:57:37,770 --> 00:57:40,671
Hey, weren't you the actor
in that Broadway show?
674
00:57:40,873 --> 00:57:45,139
Hey, yeah, it is you. Do that scene
where everyone gets AIDS.
675
00:57:45,344 --> 00:57:49,007
I don't act anymore.
I gave that up.
676
00:57:49,214 --> 00:57:52,581
- Oh, come on, man, just a scene.
- I said, get away from me!
677
00:57:52,785 --> 00:57:56,482
I'm completely lost.
I've hit rock bottom.
678
00:57:56,689 --> 00:57:59,590
Easy, easy.
You gotta calm down there, Chuck.
679
00:57:59,792 --> 00:58:02,955
I hurt people. I'm a dick.
680
00:58:03,162 --> 00:58:05,630
Well, being a dick ain't so bad.
681
00:58:05,831 --> 00:58:07,355
See, there are three kinds of people:
682
00:58:07,566 --> 00:58:10,034
Dicks, pussies and assholes.
683
00:58:10,269 --> 00:58:13,864
Pussies think everyone can get along
and dicks just wanna fuck all the time
684
00:58:14,073 --> 00:58:15,540
without thinking it through.
685
00:58:15,741 --> 00:58:18,039
But then you got your assholes,
Chuck.
686
00:58:18,243 --> 00:58:21,406
And all the assholes want
is to shit all over everything.
687
00:58:22,214 --> 00:58:24,739
So pussies may get mad at dicks
once in a while
688
00:58:24,950 --> 00:58:27,578
because pussies
get fucked by dicks.
689
00:58:27,786 --> 00:58:31,449
But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck.
690
00:58:31,657 --> 00:58:34,182
And if they didn't fuck the assholes,
you know what you'd get?
691
00:58:34,393 --> 00:58:38,159
You'd get your dick and your pussy
all covered in shit.
692
00:58:39,665 --> 00:58:42,361
All right, that does it.
Get out of here, you drunk lowlife.
693
00:58:49,641 --> 00:58:51,370
Get out of here, I said.
694
00:59:00,119 --> 00:59:01,780
Lisa!
695
00:59:02,454 --> 00:59:06,083
Lisa. Lisa, are you here?
696
00:59:08,494 --> 00:59:10,792
Get out of the street,
you fucking bum!
697
00:59:16,035 --> 00:59:18,902
You gave up on life, didn't you?
698
01:00:42,321 --> 01:00:45,552
My fellow actors,
we live in a dark time.
699
01:00:45,824 --> 01:00:47,985
The world is becoming more
and more violent
700
01:00:48,193 --> 01:00:50,286
and the idiots in charge
are making it worse.
701
01:00:50,529 --> 01:00:54,932
What the world needs is
an international advisory committee
702
01:00:55,200 --> 01:00:57,361
who truly understands global politics.
703
01:00:57,569 --> 01:00:59,901
Namely, us.
704
01:01:02,708 --> 01:01:05,040
The time has come for us
to start using our acting talents
705
01:01:05,244 --> 01:01:06,336
in a different way.
706
01:01:06,712 --> 01:01:10,876
Yes, we can use our powers
to change the world.
707
01:01:13,552 --> 01:01:16,715
We will persuade everyone
to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking.
708
01:01:17,156 --> 01:01:19,454
If we focus our acting
on global politics,
709
01:01:19,658 --> 01:01:22,183
we can change everything and stuff.
710
01:01:25,430 --> 01:01:29,059
As actors, it is our responsibility
to read the newspapers
711
01:01:29,268 --> 01:01:33,568
and then say what we read
on television like it's our own opinion.
712
01:01:33,805 --> 01:01:35,966
Matt Damon.
713
01:01:36,241 --> 01:01:37,572
We've all done action films.
714
01:01:37,776 --> 01:01:40,404
If anyone tries to get in our way,
we'll show them just how tough
715
01:01:40,612 --> 01:01:42,546
us actors really are.
716
01:01:46,585 --> 01:01:48,450
I'm glad you all agree.
717
01:01:48,654 --> 01:01:52,590
Because I've just been contacted
by a very important political leader
718
01:01:52,791 --> 01:01:55,282
who is bringing all the
world leaders together
719
01:01:55,527 --> 01:01:58,496
for a massive
international peace conference.
720
01:01:58,764 --> 01:02:02,996
And he wants us to be
the keynote speakers.
721
01:02:05,270 --> 01:02:07,135
Matt Damon!
722
01:02:08,941 --> 01:02:11,501
Say hello to our new partner.
723
01:02:12,344 --> 01:02:14,574
Herro.
724
01:02:22,654 --> 01:02:24,679
Stop it! Stop it, you're killing him!
725
01:02:27,226 --> 01:02:29,319
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
726
01:02:29,528 --> 01:02:35,160
You're not in a position to kill anyone,
my red, white and brue friend.
727
01:02:35,534 --> 01:02:39,163
So you're the bastard
planning 9/11 times 1,000.
728
01:02:39,438 --> 01:02:41,998
No. You think so small.
729
01:02:42,207 --> 01:02:46,200
You see, I'm about to have
an eraborate peace ceremony.
730
01:02:46,478 --> 01:02:50,642
And while all the world's most
important people are distracted here,
731
01:02:50,849 --> 01:02:52,942
I will detonate the WMDs
732
01:02:53,151 --> 01:02:57,451
which I have given to terrorists
arr around the grobe.
733
01:02:58,223 --> 01:03:04,526
It will be 9/11 times 2,356.
734
01:03:04,763 --> 01:03:08,563
My God, that's...
I don't even know what that is.
735
01:03:09,401 --> 01:03:11,494
Nobody does.
736
01:03:11,737 --> 01:03:14,205
You heartless bastard.
Why would you do such a thing?
737
01:03:14,473 --> 01:03:16,532
Because then there will be barance.
738
01:03:16,742 --> 01:03:19,302
Every country will be
a Third World country.
739
01:03:19,544 --> 01:03:21,409
Just imagine it.
740
01:03:21,613 --> 01:03:24,878
All around the world, there will be
massive exprosions.
741
01:03:25,117 --> 01:03:26,482
With nobody to guide them,
742
01:03:26,685 --> 01:03:30,746
the people will break out into panic
and rioting all over the earth.
743
01:03:30,989 --> 01:03:34,083
The true nature of humanity
is unreashed.
744
01:03:34,293 --> 01:03:36,921
Dog eats dog,
as everyone attacks everyone
745
01:03:37,129 --> 01:03:39,359
and fends only for themselves.
746
01:03:39,564 --> 01:03:42,055
Grobal stabirity unravels.
747
01:03:42,267 --> 01:03:47,261
By the time my show is over,
it will be far too rate.
748
01:03:53,912 --> 01:03:55,379
Your plan will fail.
749
01:03:55,614 --> 01:03:58,708
You'll never keep the world leaders
distracted here for nine hours.
750
01:03:58,917 --> 01:04:03,911
Oh, no? I've got Arec Barrwin.
751
01:04:04,156 --> 01:04:06,021
Dear God.
752
01:04:06,224 --> 01:04:11,423
You are the rast of a dying breed,
the frag-waving American.
753
01:04:11,630 --> 01:04:14,895
Well, your rittle dream
will soon be over.
754
01:04:16,034 --> 01:04:18,525
I must get back to pranning
the ceremony now.
755
01:04:18,770 --> 01:04:21,136
The film actors are on their way.
756
01:04:21,340 --> 01:04:25,367
Perhaps they'll stop in and say herro.
757
01:04:25,911 --> 01:04:31,281
Having so little faith in humanity
must make you a very lonely man.
758
01:04:38,757 --> 01:04:41,385
You shall have a front-row seat.
759
01:04:41,593 --> 01:04:43,493
Bring her upstairs.
760
01:04:43,695 --> 01:04:46,027
Leave her alone,
you son of a bitch!
761
01:04:46,264 --> 01:04:49,631
Lisa, I treasure your friendship!
762
01:04:50,769 --> 01:04:53,761
Somebody has to stop this!
763
01:05:00,679 --> 01:05:05,309
I miss you more than Michael Bay
Missed the mark
764
01:05:05,517 --> 01:05:08,315
When he made Pearl Harbor
765
01:05:08,520 --> 01:05:13,583
I miss you more than that movie
Missed the point
766
01:05:13,792 --> 01:05:17,660
And that's an awful lot, girl
And now
767
01:05:17,863 --> 01:05:20,991
Now you've gone away
768
01:05:21,600 --> 01:05:24,194
And all I'm trying to say
769
01:05:24,403 --> 01:05:27,338
Is Pearl Harbor sucked
770
01:05:27,539 --> 01:05:31,305
And I miss you
771
01:05:33,311 --> 01:05:38,180
I need you like Ben Affleck
Needs acting school
772
01:05:38,383 --> 01:05:41,546
He was terrible in that film
773
01:05:41,753 --> 01:05:46,315
I need you like Cuba Gooding
Needed a bigger part
774
01:05:46,525 --> 01:05:50,484
He's way better than Ben Affleck
And now
775
01:05:50,695 --> 01:05:54,290
All I can think about is your smile
776
01:05:54,499 --> 01:05:57,525
And that shitty movie too
777
01:05:57,769 --> 01:06:00,067
Pearl Harbor sucked
778
01:06:00,272 --> 01:06:03,708
And I miss you
779
01:06:05,844 --> 01:06:08,608
Pearl Harbor sucked
780
01:06:10,715 --> 01:06:16,153
Just a little bit more
Than I miss you
781
01:06:17,289 --> 01:06:20,053
Oh, my God.
What the hell happened?
782
01:06:39,878 --> 01:06:42,676
Hello? Anybody?
783
01:06:44,916 --> 01:06:47,976
Greetings, Mr. Johnston.
784
01:06:48,186 --> 01:06:50,211
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.,
what the hell happened?
785
01:06:50,455 --> 01:06:54,255
Our base was attacked by
a giant socialist weasel.
786
01:06:54,459 --> 01:06:56,188
But where's the team?
787
01:06:56,394 --> 01:07:00,353
They have been taken prisoner
by Kim Jong II in North Korea.
788
01:07:00,565 --> 01:07:03,591
I have intercepted communications
that he is planning
789
01:07:03,802 --> 01:07:06,771
the massive attack
during a peace ceremony.
790
01:07:06,972 --> 01:07:10,408
Don't move, protester,
or I'll blow your commie brains out.
791
01:07:10,642 --> 01:07:13,406
- Spottswoode.
- Johnston?
792
01:07:13,612 --> 01:07:15,045
What the hell are you doing here?
793
01:07:15,247 --> 01:07:16,714
Get away from
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
794
01:07:16,915 --> 01:07:18,644
I'm using it to blow up North Korea.
795
01:07:18,850 --> 01:07:21,080
No! The team is in North Korea.
796
01:07:21,319 --> 01:07:25,779
I know. And so are the triggers
to WMDs poised all around the globe.
797
01:07:26,024 --> 01:07:28,083
My only option now
is to blow up Kim Jong II
798
01:07:28,293 --> 01:07:30,761
and everything around him
before he can set them off.
799
01:07:30,962 --> 01:07:33,829
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., initiate
detonation sequence on the ships.
800
01:07:34,032 --> 01:07:35,499
You'll kill them all.
801
01:07:35,700 --> 01:07:37,668
It's what they would
want me to do, Gary.
802
01:07:37,869 --> 01:07:40,337
They would happily give their lives
for the good of the world,
803
01:07:40,539 --> 01:07:43,531
- something you don't understand!
- There has to be another way.
804
01:07:43,742 --> 01:07:46,677
There's nobody left
to stop Kim Jong II.
805
01:07:46,878 --> 01:07:48,573
Let me go.
806
01:07:49,648 --> 01:07:52,515
You? You're a buttfucking quitter.
807
01:07:52,751 --> 01:07:55,311
You walked out, Gary. The team went
on a mission without you.
808
01:07:55,520 --> 01:07:57,852
And without an actor,
they were like pigs to the slaughter.
809
01:07:58,056 --> 01:08:00,354
I'm supposed to leave
the fate of the world in your hands?
810
01:08:00,559 --> 01:08:03,153
I know I walked out,
but I'd do anything to take it back.
811
01:08:03,361 --> 01:08:06,524
- Please, just let me help.
- You've done enough.
812
01:08:06,765 --> 01:08:09,859
Please, Spottswoode,
you have to believe in me.
813
01:08:12,003 --> 01:08:15,962
I want to believe in you, Gary,
I really do.
814
01:08:16,174 --> 01:08:18,665
But you've let me down before.
815
01:08:19,010 --> 01:08:22,275
Please, how can I make you
trust me?
816
01:08:24,049 --> 01:08:26,609
I remember the first time we met.
817
01:08:26,818 --> 01:08:29,616
You were a simple Broadway actor
afraid to get in my limo
818
01:08:29,821 --> 01:08:33,018
because you thought I wanted you
to perform oral sex on me.
819
01:08:33,224 --> 01:08:35,317
Do you remember that?
820
01:08:35,527 --> 01:08:37,461
Yeah.
821
01:08:37,662 --> 01:08:42,964
And now the tables are turned,
and I don't know if I can trust you.
822
01:08:44,369 --> 01:08:47,304
Just give me a chance.
823
01:08:50,909 --> 01:08:53,400
All right, I'll trust you.
824
01:08:54,112 --> 01:08:56,046
But only if you...
825
01:08:56,247 --> 01:08:59,216
...will perform oral sex on me.
826
01:09:00,752 --> 01:09:03,915
- What?
- Right here, right now.
827
01:09:06,224 --> 01:09:09,216
- You can't be serious.
- Oh, I am serious.
828
01:09:09,427 --> 01:09:13,329
Look, this is my serious face.
829
01:09:14,833 --> 01:09:17,393
- What will that prove?
- It will prove that you are truly ready
830
01:09:17,602 --> 01:09:18,762
to lay everything on the line.
831
01:09:18,970 --> 01:09:21,200
To throw away all your inhibitions
and give 100 percent.
832
01:09:21,406 --> 01:09:24,204
We must go back to that first night
we met, that first issue of trust.
833
01:09:24,409 --> 01:09:27,105
- Don't you see?
- No. I thought you weren't gay.
834
01:09:27,312 --> 01:09:29,678
This isn't about sex, Gary,
it's about trust.
835
01:09:29,881 --> 01:09:33,817
It's the eye of the needle, Gary,
and we must both pass through it.
836
01:09:37,956 --> 01:09:40,015
Okay, let's do it.
837
01:09:42,494 --> 01:09:44,724
I'll make sure nobody's watching.
838
01:09:44,929 --> 01:09:46,897
Yeah, it looks clear.
839
01:09:47,098 --> 01:09:49,066
Okay, go.
840
01:09:50,635 --> 01:09:52,262
There must be another way.
841
01:09:52,971 --> 01:09:55,940
I guess you won't do everything
to take it all back, will you, Gary?
842
01:09:56,141 --> 01:09:58,268
No, no, no. Wait, wait, hold on.
843
01:09:58,476 --> 01:10:03,277
You're saying if I do that,
you'll let me help the team?
844
01:10:03,515 --> 01:10:06,609
I'll give you all the time I can.
845
01:10:09,154 --> 01:10:11,816
Okay, let's do it.
846
01:10:12,023 --> 01:10:13,786
Here we go.
847
01:10:13,992 --> 01:10:16,119
And go.
848
01:10:44,823 --> 01:10:47,417
You are dedicated.
849
01:10:47,659 --> 01:10:49,092
Now, let's go get cleaned up.
850
01:10:49,327 --> 01:10:51,795
If you're going to storm Kim Jong ll's
palace single-handed,
851
01:10:51,996 --> 01:10:54,965
we have to make you
a complete soldier in very little time.
852
01:10:55,834 --> 01:10:57,699
How we gonna do that?
853
01:10:57,902 --> 01:11:01,929
I think I know just what we need.
854
01:11:05,176 --> 01:11:08,009
The hour's approaching
To give it your best
855
01:11:08,213 --> 01:11:11,614
And you've got to reach your prime
856
01:11:11,816 --> 01:11:14,341
That's when you need
to put yourself to the test
857
01:11:14,552 --> 01:11:16,884
And show us a passage of time
858
01:11:17,088 --> 01:11:20,717
- We're gonna need a montage
- Montage
859
01:11:20,925 --> 01:11:24,292
- It takes a montage
- Montage
860
01:11:24,529 --> 01:11:26,997
Show a lot of things
Happening at once
861
01:11:27,198 --> 01:11:30,031
Remind everyone
Of what's going on
862
01:11:30,235 --> 01:11:33,568
And with every shot
Show a little improvement
863
01:11:33,772 --> 01:11:36,036
To show it all would take too long
864
01:11:36,241 --> 01:11:39,335
- That's called a montage
- Montage
865
01:11:39,544 --> 01:11:43,071
- Girl, we want a montage
- Montage
866
01:11:43,281 --> 01:11:46,182
In anything, if you want to go
867
01:11:46,384 --> 01:11:48,909
From just a beginner to a pro
868
01:11:49,120 --> 01:11:51,748
- You need a montage
- Montage
869
01:11:51,990 --> 01:11:56,188
- Even Rocky had a montage
- Montage
870
01:11:56,895 --> 01:12:01,730
- Always fade out in a montage
- Montage
871
01:12:01,933 --> 01:12:05,596
If you fade out
It seems like more time has passed
872
01:12:05,804 --> 01:12:08,864
- In a montage
- Montage
873
01:12:19,217 --> 01:12:20,912
Radies and gentlemen.
874
01:12:21,119 --> 01:12:25,385
The Film Actors Guild and Kim Jong II
are preased to welcome you
875
01:12:25,590 --> 01:12:31,028
to the International
World Peace Ceremony.
876
01:12:31,229 --> 01:12:33,925
The most important people
from every country
877
01:12:34,132 --> 01:12:38,466
are gathered here in soridarity
to cerebrate peace.
878
01:12:38,670 --> 01:12:41,298
There will be music, dancing
and, of course,
879
01:12:41,539 --> 01:12:43,905
the biggest stars in Horrywood.
880
01:12:44,142 --> 01:12:48,238
In the box to your reft is the
mastermind of this spectacurar show,
881
01:12:48,479 --> 01:12:52,575
the multitarented Kim Jong II.
882
01:12:52,784 --> 01:12:55,275
Oh, herro.
883
01:12:55,920 --> 01:13:01,586
And now we present to you
the very best in North Korean music.
884
01:13:19,878 --> 01:13:23,279
Ten years of pranning,
and finarry the night is here.
885
01:13:23,481 --> 01:13:27,247
The terrorists know to be in position by
the time Arec Barrwin takes the stage.
886
01:13:27,652 --> 01:13:31,588
That's when I trigger all the WMDs
to go off at the same time.
887
01:13:31,789 --> 01:13:33,654
When you see Arec Barrwin,
888
01:13:33,858 --> 01:13:38,295
you will see the true ugriness
of human nature.
889
01:13:38,529 --> 01:13:41,657
Your plan will never work.
Something will stop it.
890
01:13:42,634 --> 01:13:45,262
You stupid, naive Team Americans.
891
01:13:45,470 --> 01:13:47,597
You berieve in true rove
and happy endings
892
01:13:47,805 --> 01:13:50,706
even while the world around you
spirals downward.
893
01:13:51,743 --> 01:13:56,305
Sometimes believing is all we have.
894
01:13:57,749 --> 01:14:00,809
And as the leaders of your countries,
you have the power
895
01:14:01,019 --> 01:14:06,514
to bring the world together under
the principles of the Film Actors Guild.
896
01:14:06,758 --> 01:14:08,692
You're gonna
knock them dead, Alec.
897
01:14:09,694 --> 01:14:12,390
Ten minutes, Mr. Baldwin.
898
01:14:22,273 --> 01:14:24,104
Who the hell you?
899
01:14:24,342 --> 01:14:27,743
I'm with the Film Actors Guild.
I'm here to help with the broadcast.
900
01:14:27,946 --> 01:14:29,208
Then you show credentials.
901
01:14:29,414 --> 01:14:31,245
Hey, you don't need to see
my credentials.
902
01:14:31,449 --> 01:14:34,316
I left them at home
and I'm running late.
903
01:14:34,552 --> 01:14:36,645
- I berieve him.
- Yeah, me too.
904
01:14:37,889 --> 01:14:39,447
Okay, have a nice day.
905
01:14:39,657 --> 01:14:42,558
My God, his acting is better
than ever.
906
01:14:58,076 --> 01:15:01,136
Don't worry, fellas,
I've got my pass right here.
907
01:15:11,756 --> 01:15:13,053
Please, Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins,
908
01:15:13,257 --> 01:15:15,691
you don't understand
what Kim Jong II is doing.
909
01:15:15,927 --> 01:15:19,590
Shut up. We have explicit instructions
to watch you.
910
01:15:19,831 --> 01:15:22,823
- Yeah. We're supposed to be guards.
- We're guards.
911
01:15:23,034 --> 01:15:26,663
- We're guards, huh? We're guards.
- We're guards.
912
01:15:26,904 --> 01:15:29,737
Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins. Someone
has broken into the main hall.
913
01:15:29,941 --> 01:15:32,774
What? Come on, Martin!
914
01:15:42,920 --> 01:15:45,480
- Gary?
- What the fuck are you doing here?
915
01:15:45,723 --> 01:15:48,214
Guys, are you all right?
Where's Lisa?
916
01:15:48,459 --> 01:15:51,019
What the heck do you care?
You walked out on her.
917
01:15:51,229 --> 01:15:52,696
Look, I wanna make things right.
918
01:15:52,897 --> 01:15:54,524
Here, Spottswoode's monitoring
from the base.
919
01:15:54,732 --> 01:15:57,724
- Spottswoode is dead, Gary.
- Not as dead as you think.
920
01:15:57,935 --> 01:16:00,961
- Spottswoode!
- Yes, I'm here, Joe.
921
01:16:01,239 --> 01:16:04,572
- All right, you're alive!
- Great to hear your voices again.
922
01:16:04,776 --> 01:16:07,540
Now we've got to get Lisa
and stop Kim Jong II.
923
01:16:07,745 --> 01:16:09,770
I'm not going anywhere
with this fucking traitor.
924
01:16:09,981 --> 01:16:11,881
What makes you think
we'll take you back, douchebag?
925
01:16:12,083 --> 01:16:14,517
- We're doing this without you!
- Now, hold on, team.
926
01:16:14,752 --> 01:16:16,083
Gary has already proven to me
927
01:16:16,287 --> 01:16:18,653
that he is 100 percent committed
to the team.
928
01:16:18,890 --> 01:16:22,451
He proved it last night
by sucking my cock.
929
01:16:25,997 --> 01:16:28,488
All right. Come on, team,
we gotta find that stage.
930
01:16:29,400 --> 01:16:34,030
Rook how much they rove my show.
The entire audience is so captivated.
931
01:16:40,778 --> 01:16:45,306
And now you see,
the new world is inevitabre.
932
01:16:45,516 --> 01:16:48,849
- It's what?
- Inevita... Inevitabre.
933
01:16:49,053 --> 01:16:50,884
- One more time.
- Inevitabre!
934
01:16:51,089 --> 01:16:53,614
Things are inevitabry
going to change.
935
01:16:53,825 --> 01:16:56,555
Goddamn it, open your fucking ears.
936
01:16:58,696 --> 01:17:00,960
- Five minutes, Mr. Baldwin.
- Thank you.
937
01:17:01,199 --> 01:17:05,158
- Alec, we have a problem.
- Team America escaped.
938
01:17:05,903 --> 01:17:08,633
What? You fools.
They'll ruin everything.
939
01:17:08,840 --> 01:17:11,400
We better warn everyone.
They'll be headed here.
940
01:17:11,609 --> 01:17:14,544
No. We can't look weak
and powerless.
941
01:17:14,745 --> 01:17:18,010
If violence is all those bastards
understand, then violence they'll get.
942
01:17:18,216 --> 01:17:20,241
Every actor, grab a gun
and keep Team America
943
01:17:20,451 --> 01:17:23,318
from reaching this ceremony
at all costs.
944
01:17:23,621 --> 01:17:25,646
Qapla!
945
01:17:25,890 --> 01:17:27,653
Qapla!
946
01:17:27,892 --> 01:17:31,191
I swear they won't reach this stage.
947
01:17:48,713 --> 01:17:50,340
Jesus! What have we got?
948
01:17:50,581 --> 01:17:53,448
Looks like George Clooney
and Liv Tyler, 20 yards.
949
01:17:55,219 --> 01:17:57,312
Look out, it's Ethan Hawke
and Janeane Garofalo.
950
01:18:03,794 --> 01:18:05,352
Drop your weapons.
951
01:18:05,897 --> 01:18:07,364
Fucking die!
952
01:18:09,367 --> 01:18:10,459
We gotta split up.
953
01:18:10,735 --> 01:18:13,101
Sarah, you and Gary go that way.
Chris and I will go right.
954
01:18:13,304 --> 01:18:16,705
No, I think I'd rather team up
with you, Joe.
955
01:18:18,409 --> 01:18:20,843
I guess you're with me, cockfag.
956
01:18:22,813 --> 01:18:24,041
- Danny Glover!
- Come on, Penn.
957
01:18:24,248 --> 01:18:27,217
- We must protect the show.
- Right.
958
01:18:27,818 --> 01:18:30,616
- The stage must be that way.
- No. Joe, Sarah, it's a trap!
959
01:18:37,028 --> 01:18:38,655
Very impressive, warmongers.
960
01:18:38,896 --> 01:18:42,457
Now let's see how Kim Jong ll's
panthers treat you.
961
01:18:46,304 --> 01:18:48,135
I went to Iraq, you know!
962
01:18:54,278 --> 01:18:56,746
- Susan Sarandon.
- Oh, thank God.
963
01:18:56,948 --> 01:18:59,473
We have to stop the ceremony.
Kim Jong II is mad.
964
01:18:59,684 --> 01:19:02,016
Here, let me loose.
I'll show you where the theatre is.
965
01:19:02,286 --> 01:19:04,880
- All right.
- No, Chris, stay away from her.
966
01:19:05,122 --> 01:19:09,456
- Fuck you. She wants to help us.
- No, Chris, she's acting.
967
01:19:10,328 --> 01:19:12,023
I am not. The others tied me up
968
01:19:12,230 --> 01:19:14,425
because I wouldn't go along
with their plans.
969
01:19:14,665 --> 01:19:17,099
Your skills are fading with age,
Miss Sarandon.
970
01:19:18,703 --> 01:19:21,001
You shall die a peasant's death!
971
01:19:30,715 --> 01:19:31,977
Jesus titty-fucking Christ.
972
01:19:32,183 --> 01:19:34,913
I could've sworn
she was telling the truth.
973
01:19:35,152 --> 01:19:38,815
That's why they call it acting.
Come on, we gotta find Lisa.
974
01:19:39,023 --> 01:19:42,857
I was 19 years old when
the musical Cats came to our town.
975
01:19:43,427 --> 01:19:45,156
I couldn't wait to see it.
976
01:19:46,330 --> 01:19:48,525
After the show, I was asked
if I wanted to go meet
977
01:19:48,733 --> 01:19:52,533
some of the performers backstage.
Man, I was thrilled.
978
01:19:52,737 --> 01:19:57,231
But when I got back there,
they were drunk and out of control.
979
01:19:57,475 --> 01:20:01,036
Rumpus cat and Macavity
kept feeling up my leg.
980
01:20:01,279 --> 01:20:05,045
I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer
held me down and...
981
01:20:06,183 --> 01:20:09,516
...I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.
982
01:20:13,090 --> 01:20:15,354
That's why you don't trust actors.
983
01:20:19,230 --> 01:20:21,357
I'm sorry I've been so hard on you.
984
01:20:21,565 --> 01:20:24,125
If there's still a world left
when this is all over,
985
01:20:24,335 --> 01:20:26,166
I'd like to buy you a beer.
986
01:20:29,006 --> 01:20:30,997
Come on, let's go.
We're running out of time.
987
01:20:35,746 --> 01:20:39,614
Sarah, before we die, I want to
finally tell you that I love you.
988
01:20:40,818 --> 01:20:44,777
No. No, I'm not gonna
let it end like this.
989
01:20:45,022 --> 01:20:48,924
We are not your enemy, furry ones.
You will not attack us.
990
01:20:49,160 --> 01:20:53,028
Sarah, that isn't going to work.
You don't really have mental powers.
991
01:20:53,264 --> 01:20:56,927
Your captors are behind you, Shebas.
Show your anger to them.
992
01:21:18,489 --> 01:21:20,116
Sarah, you did it!
993
01:21:23,594 --> 01:21:24,822
Wait. Hold on.
994
01:21:26,330 --> 01:21:28,821
Spottswoode, I think we just found
the entrance to the theatre.
995
01:21:29,066 --> 01:21:30,761
Have Sarah and Joe lock on to our...
996
01:21:31,802 --> 01:21:33,394
Gary!
997
01:21:34,372 --> 01:21:36,932
- Actors, ho!
- Helen Hunt.
998
01:21:37,141 --> 01:21:39,132
Samuel Jackson.
999
01:21:39,343 --> 01:21:41,436
Matt Damon.
1000
01:21:42,947 --> 01:21:44,744
Motherfucker.
1001
01:21:45,916 --> 01:21:47,110
Gary, Chris, come in.
1002
01:21:49,887 --> 01:21:54,586
And now, radies and gentlemen,
Mr. Arec Barrwin.
1003
01:22:06,370 --> 01:22:09,464
We are here to usher in a new era
without violence.
1004
01:22:09,707 --> 01:22:12,005
By following the rules
of the Film Actors Guild,
1005
01:22:12,209 --> 01:22:14,302
the world can become a better place
1006
01:22:14,512 --> 01:22:18,608
that handles dangerous people
with talk and reasoning.
1007
01:22:18,849 --> 01:22:22,285
That is the F.A.G. Way.
1008
01:22:22,486 --> 01:22:26,582
One day you'll all look at the world
us actors created and say,
1009
01:22:26,824 --> 01:22:30,487
"Wow. Good going, F.A.G.
1010
01:22:30,728 --> 01:22:34,892
You really made the world
a better place, didn't you, F.A.G.?"
1011
01:22:35,166 --> 01:22:39,535
Yes, Arec Barrwin.
Too bad there won't be a world reft.
1012
01:22:39,770 --> 01:22:41,499
Oh, God, no.
1013
01:22:41,739 --> 01:22:46,335
You see? No Prince Charming rode in
on a white stallion to save the day.
1014
01:22:46,944 --> 01:22:49,242
This is the real world.
1015
01:22:49,447 --> 01:22:52,348
I'm afraid your world is over.
1016
01:22:53,784 --> 01:22:55,308
In five minutes.
1017
01:22:58,355 --> 01:23:01,347
Yes, the ticking crock.
1018
01:23:03,027 --> 01:23:07,430
Sorry, Team America, but you see,
we must live in a time of peace.
1019
01:23:07,665 --> 01:23:10,429
Put down the gas can now.
1020
01:23:10,701 --> 01:23:12,362
Kill them.
1021
01:23:16,474 --> 01:23:18,066
Jackson!
1022
01:23:20,578 --> 01:23:22,170
Team, you've got to hurry.
1023
01:23:28,118 --> 01:23:30,780
Let's go, bitch.
I've done action films.
1024
01:23:30,988 --> 01:23:32,546
Come on.
1025
01:23:54,778 --> 01:23:55,836
Matt Damon!
1026
01:24:07,157 --> 01:24:09,557
Come on, stop trying to hit me
and hit me.
1027
01:24:16,333 --> 01:24:18,301
Don't fucking move!
1028
01:24:19,003 --> 01:24:20,834
Now, isn't that a shame.
1029
01:24:21,038 --> 01:24:22,801
You came so close
to stopping peace.
1030
01:24:23,007 --> 01:24:26,272
But you see,
peace always finds a way.
1031
01:24:26,510 --> 01:24:28,444
Goodbye, Team America.
1032
01:24:28,646 --> 01:24:31,444
I've just got one piece of bad news
for you, Robbins.
1033
01:24:31,782 --> 01:24:35,343
- What's that?
- I'm a smoker.
1034
01:24:53,871 --> 01:24:56,101
Now that the world
is going to be run peacefully,
1035
01:24:56,307 --> 01:24:57,831
we should all drive hybrid cars.
1036
01:24:58,042 --> 01:25:00,476
Right now famiries
are gathering in parks,
1037
01:25:00,711 --> 01:25:04,010
children are walking to school,
friends are sitting in movie theatres.
1038
01:25:04,214 --> 01:25:08,844
All compretery unaware that the world
is about to change forever.
1039
01:25:09,086 --> 01:25:11,111
All because of me.
1040
01:25:13,524 --> 01:25:15,048
Stop that man.
1041
01:25:16,994 --> 01:25:18,484
Gary!
1042
01:25:18,729 --> 01:25:21,562
- Team America?
- Goddamn it.
1043
01:25:21,765 --> 01:25:23,892
Sorry to interrupt the show,
everyone, but Kim Jong II
1044
01:25:24,101 --> 01:25:26,296
is an international criminal.
We're here to arrest him.
1045
01:25:26,503 --> 01:25:28,334
Oh, no, you're not.
1046
01:25:28,572 --> 01:25:30,062
This is a peace conference.
1047
01:25:30,441 --> 01:25:33,137
And if you even try to touch
Kim Jong II,
1048
01:25:33,344 --> 01:25:37,075
this audience and I will rise up
against you.
1049
01:25:39,350 --> 01:25:41,079
Fuck off, Team America!
1050
01:25:41,318 --> 01:25:43,684
Team, there's no time.
You have to convince that audience
1051
01:25:43,887 --> 01:25:46,287
to let you do your job.
1052
01:25:47,691 --> 01:25:52,025
- Gary, you've got to take the stage.
- No. I can't upstage Alec Baldwin.
1053
01:25:52,262 --> 01:25:54,992
- He's the best actor in the world.
- You have to try.
1054
01:25:55,199 --> 01:25:58,100
- I'm not that good.
- Actually...
1055
01:25:58,602 --> 01:26:02,197
...you're the finest actor
I've ever met.
1056
01:26:09,580 --> 01:26:12,344
Come on, Gary, hurry.
You've got to act fast.
1057
01:26:16,587 --> 01:26:19,454
I know you all don't like Team America
a whole lot right now,
1058
01:26:19,990 --> 01:26:22,322
but Kim Jong II is a lot worse.
1059
01:26:25,863 --> 01:26:28,388
You can't outact me, boy.
Don't even try.
1060
01:26:28,999 --> 01:26:33,959
For the truth is that Team America
fights for the billion-dollar corporations.
1061
01:26:34,171 --> 01:26:39,541
They are just as bad
as the enemies they fight.
1062
01:26:42,279 --> 01:26:46,215
Oh, no, we aren't. We're dicks!
1063
01:26:49,987 --> 01:26:53,047
We're reckless, arrogant,
stupid dicks.
1064
01:26:54,992 --> 01:26:59,053
And the Film Actors Guild
are pussies.
1065
01:27:00,497 --> 01:27:04,058
And Kim Jong II is an asshole.
1066
01:27:06,804 --> 01:27:11,241
Pussies don't like dicks,
because pussies get fucked by dicks.
1067
01:27:11,442 --> 01:27:15,310
But dicks also fuck assholes,
1068
01:27:15,546 --> 01:27:19,073
assholes who just wanna shit
on everything.
1069
01:27:19,283 --> 01:27:22,616
Pussies may think they can deal
with assholes their way.
1070
01:27:22,853 --> 01:27:24,946
But the only thing
that can fuck an asshole
1071
01:27:25,155 --> 01:27:28,386
is a dick with some balls.
1072
01:27:31,662 --> 01:27:35,291
The problem with dicks
is that sometimes they fuck too much.
1073
01:27:35,532 --> 01:27:40,026
- Or fuck when it isn't appropriate.
- Yes, Gary, yes.
1074
01:27:40,337 --> 01:27:43,397
And it takes a pussy
to show them that.
1075
01:27:43,607 --> 01:27:45,837
But sometimes pussies
get so full of shit
1076
01:27:46,043 --> 01:27:48,773
that they become assholes
themselves.
1077
01:27:49,012 --> 01:27:52,209
Because pussies are only an
inch and a half away from assholes.
1078
01:27:54,318 --> 01:27:57,776
I don't know much
in this crazy, crazy world...
1079
01:27:57,988 --> 01:28:03,688
...but I do know that if you don't
let us fuck this asshole...
1080
01:28:03,894 --> 01:28:07,330
...we are gonna have our dicks
and our pussies...
1081
01:28:07,531 --> 01:28:10,523
...all covered in shit.
1082
01:28:26,183 --> 01:28:28,947
Show us what you're doing,
Kim Jong II.
1083
01:28:31,255 --> 01:28:33,223
Do something, Arec Barrwin!
1084
01:28:33,624 --> 01:28:37,583
The... Global warming and...
Corporate America...
1085
01:28:40,063 --> 01:28:41,997
You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.
1086
01:28:52,276 --> 01:28:55,677
Don't fucking move!
You were all going to be treated
1087
01:28:55,913 --> 01:28:57,676
to a faburous show.
But now party's over.
1088
01:28:57,915 --> 01:29:00,076
- For I am the great Kim Jong II.
- Lisa.
1089
01:29:00,317 --> 01:29:04,048
And I am the greatest terrorist
ever to have rived.
1090
01:29:04,288 --> 01:29:06,051
Terrorize this.
1091
01:29:21,905 --> 01:29:23,805
- Lisa, are you okay?
- No, Gary, the countdown.
1092
01:29:24,041 --> 01:29:25,565
You have to stop it.
1093
01:29:25,776 --> 01:29:28,904
- What do I do?
- Hit the big "cancel" button!
1094
01:29:35,953 --> 01:29:38,251
- Gary, how did you manage this?
- Spottswoode helped me.
1095
01:29:38,455 --> 01:29:40,150
Spottswoode? He's alive?
1096
01:29:40,424 --> 01:29:44,155
Lisa, I'm crazy about you.
Will you please forgive me if I...?
1097
01:29:44,428 --> 01:29:48,023
You had me at
"dicks fuck assholes. "
1098
01:29:48,265 --> 01:29:51,063
Attention. Attention, everyone.
1099
01:29:51,268 --> 01:29:53,736
All you in the audience should go
to your homes now.
1100
01:29:53,971 --> 01:29:56,735
Your countries need you.
But the world will be safe,
1101
01:29:56,940 --> 01:30:00,842
thanks to a brilliant actor
named Gary Johnston.
1102
01:30:19,830 --> 01:30:23,288
Let me explain to you
the kind of man Gary is.
1103
01:30:23,500 --> 01:30:24,524
He's a man who knows
1104
01:30:24,735 --> 01:30:28,136
that when you put another man's cock
in your mouth, you make a pact.
1105
01:30:28,338 --> 01:30:29,703
A bond that cannot be broken.
1106
01:30:30,340 --> 01:30:33,275
He's a man so dedicated that
he will get down on his knees
1107
01:30:33,477 --> 01:30:35,445
and put that cock
right in his mouth.
1108
01:30:38,148 --> 01:30:39,877
Wait a minute. Look!
1109
01:30:44,922 --> 01:30:48,016
You have not heard the rast
of Kim Jong II.
1110
01:30:48,225 --> 01:30:50,352
I will return!
1111
01:30:51,194 --> 01:30:55,528
You shall see. I will be back!
1112
01:31:01,204 --> 01:31:04,173
So rong, earthrings!
1113
01:31:05,709 --> 01:31:08,371
We'll be here waiting for you,
Kim Jong II.
1114
01:31:08,578 --> 01:31:11,069
All right, you guys, I hate to break up
this little party,
1115
01:31:11,281 --> 01:31:13,078
but there's still a lot of bad guys
out there.
1116
01:31:13,283 --> 01:31:17,549
Well, then let's go show the bad guys
the police are back in force.
1117
01:31:17,788 --> 01:31:19,415
Fuck, yeah.
1118
01:31:19,623 --> 01:31:21,420
Fuck, yeah.
1119
01:31:22,392 --> 01:31:25,418
America
1120
01:31:25,662 --> 01:31:28,654
America
1121
01:31:28,899 --> 01:31:31,925
America
Fuck, yeah
1122
01:31:32,202 --> 01:31:34,762
Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
1123
01:31:34,972 --> 01:31:37,736
America
Fuck, yeah
1124
01:31:37,941 --> 01:31:40,432
Freedom is the only way
Yeah
1125
01:31:40,677 --> 01:31:43,077
Terrorists, your game is through
1126
01:31:43,280 --> 01:31:46,147
'Cause now you have to answer to
1127
01:31:46,383 --> 01:31:48,578
America
Fuck, yeah
1128
01:31:48,785 --> 01:31:51,777
So lick my butt
And suck on my balls
1129
01:31:51,989 --> 01:31:54,253
America
Fuck, yeah
1130
01:31:54,458 --> 01:31:58,417
What you gonna do
When we come for you now?
1131
01:31:58,628 --> 01:32:01,222
It's the dream that we all share
1132
01:32:01,431 --> 01:32:06,266
- It's the hope for tomorrow
- Fuck, yeah
1133
01:32:08,805 --> 01:32:10,204
- McDonald's
- Fuck, yeah
1134
01:32:10,407 --> 01:32:11,738
- Wal-Mart
- Fuck, yeah
1135
01:32:11,942 --> 01:32:13,068
- The Gap
- Fuck, yeah
1136
01:32:13,276 --> 01:32:14,607
- Baseball
- Fuck, yeah
1137
01:32:14,811 --> 01:32:15,869
- NFL
- Fuck, yeah
1138
01:32:16,079 --> 01:32:17,307
- Rock 'n' roll
- Fuck, yeah
1139
01:32:17,514 --> 01:32:18,742
- The Internet
- Fuck, yeah
1140
01:32:18,949 --> 01:32:21,440
- Slavery
- Fuck, yeah
1141
01:32:21,651 --> 01:32:22,640
Fuck, yeah
1142
01:32:29,726 --> 01:32:31,159
Everyone has AIDS
1143
01:32:31,361 --> 01:32:33,989
- My grandma and my dog Ole Blue
- AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
1144
01:32:34,231 --> 01:32:36,893
- The pope has got it and so do you
- AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
1145
01:32:37,100 --> 01:32:38,761
Come on, everybody
We got quilting to do
1146
01:32:38,969 --> 01:32:39,958
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS
1147
01:32:40,170 --> 01:32:41,660
We're gonna break down
These barricades
1148
01:32:41,872 --> 01:32:44,102
Everyone has
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
1149
01:32:44,307 --> 01:32:46,741
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
1150
01:32:46,943 --> 01:32:48,877
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS
1151
01:32:49,079 --> 01:32:51,741
Freedom isn't free
1152
01:32:51,948 --> 01:32:55,941
It costs folks like you and me
1153
01:32:56,153 --> 01:33:02,888
And if we don't all chip in
We'll never pay that bill
1154
01:33:04,127 --> 01:33:06,925
Freedom isn't free
1155
01:33:07,130 --> 01:33:10,759
No, there's a hefty fucking fee
1156
01:33:10,967 --> 01:33:14,835
And if you don't throw in
Your buck o'five
1157
01:33:15,038 --> 01:33:17,939
Who will?
1158
01:33:19,142 --> 01:33:20,905
Buck o'five
1159
01:33:21,111 --> 01:33:26,242
Freedom costs a buck o'five
1160
01:33:27,217 --> 01:33:29,708
Only a woman
1161
01:33:29,920 --> 01:33:33,856
Can brighten up my day
1162
01:33:34,057 --> 01:33:36,389
Only a woman
1163
01:33:36,593 --> 01:33:40,757
Can touch me the right way
Yeah
1164
01:33:40,964 --> 01:33:43,091
Only a woman
1165
01:33:43,300 --> 01:33:47,532
Is allowed to touch me there
1166
01:33:47,737 --> 01:33:53,573
All I ask
Is that you're a woman
1167
01:33:54,511 --> 01:33:58,709
I'm so ronery
1168
01:33:58,915 --> 01:34:00,780
So ronery
1169
01:34:00,984 --> 01:34:04,818
So ronery and sadry arone
1170
01:34:05,021 --> 01:34:09,321
There's no one
Just me onry
1171
01:34:09,526 --> 01:34:13,223
Sitting on my rittle throne
1172
01:34:13,430 --> 01:34:17,628
I work rearry hard
And make up great prans
1173
01:34:17,834 --> 01:34:21,895
But nobody ristens
No one understands
1174
01:34:22,105 --> 01:34:28,510
Seems rike no one
Takes me seriousry
1175
01:34:28,712 --> 01:34:30,270
And so
1176
01:34:30,480 --> 01:34:33,847
I'm ronery
1177
01:34:34,050 --> 01:34:36,450
A rittle ronery
1178
01:34:36,653 --> 01:34:42,285
Poor rittle me
1179
01:34:52,536 --> 01:34:57,371
I need you like Ben Affleck
Needs acting school
1180
01:34:57,574 --> 01:35:00,702
He was terrible in that film
1181
01:35:00,944 --> 01:35:05,540
I need you like Cuba Gooding
Needed a bigger part
1182
01:35:05,749 --> 01:35:09,845
He's way better than Ben Affleck
And now
1183
01:35:10,053 --> 01:35:16,458
All I can think about is your smile
And that shitty movie too
1184
01:35:16,660 --> 01:35:19,185
Pearl Harbor sucked
1185
01:35:19,396 --> 01:35:23,799
And I miss you
1186
01:35:30,106 --> 01:35:36,409
Why does Michael Bay
Get to keep on making movies?
1187
01:35:36,613 --> 01:35:40,640
I guess Pearl Harbor sucked
1188
01:35:41,251 --> 01:35:47,053
Just a little bit more
Than I miss you
1189
01:35:54,064 --> 01:35:56,589
Show a lot of things
Happening at once
1190
01:35:56,800 --> 01:36:00,361
- Remind everyone of what's going on
- What's going on
1191
01:36:00,570 --> 01:36:03,198
And with every shot
Show a little improvement
1192
01:36:03,406 --> 01:36:05,874
To show it all would take too long
1193
01:36:06,076 --> 01:36:08,943
- That's called a montage
- Montage
1194
01:36:09,145 --> 01:36:12,706
- Girl, we want a montage
- Montage
1195
01:36:12,916 --> 01:36:18,855
In anything, if you want to go
From just a beginner to a pro
1196
01:36:19,055 --> 01:36:21,421
- You need a montage
- Montage
1197
01:36:21,625 --> 01:36:25,857
- Even Rocky had a montage
- Montage
1198
01:36:26,062 --> 01:36:31,591
- Always fade out in a montage
- Montage
1199
01:36:31,801 --> 01:36:34,463
If you fade out it seems like
More time has passed
1200
01:36:34,671 --> 01:36:38,732
I was sent from planet Gyron
To conquer the Earth
1201
01:36:38,942 --> 01:36:42,537
I had a terrific pran
I thought it would work
1202
01:36:42,746 --> 01:36:46,238
Tried to get the earthrings
All to kill each other, you see
1203
01:36:46,449 --> 01:36:50,749
But it all went wrong
And now I must decree
1204
01:36:50,954 --> 01:36:55,448
You are worthress, Arec Barrwin
You are worthress, Arec Barrwin
1205
01:36:55,659 --> 01:36:59,493
You failed in every way
And now my stock in you has farren
1206
01:36:59,696 --> 01:37:03,154
Your career is starring
And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin
1207
01:37:03,366 --> 01:37:08,736
That's why I brew your head off
And your children are all bawring
1208
01:37:08,938 --> 01:37:13,238
Pranet Gyron is inhabited
With Zypods rike me
1209
01:37:13,443 --> 01:37:17,174
But also with Barmacks
Who are giant bees
1210
01:37:17,380 --> 01:37:20,975
The Zypods and the Barmacks
Are at constant war
1211
01:37:21,184 --> 01:37:25,678
So we wanted a new home
And that's what Earth was for
1212
01:37:25,889 --> 01:37:30,826
But you are worthress, Arec Barrwin
You are worthress, Arec Barrwin
1213
01:37:31,027 --> 01:37:32,460
You fucked up my whole pran
1214
01:37:32,662 --> 01:37:35,495
And now Gyron is smeared
With Barmack porren
1215
01:37:35,699 --> 01:37:39,430
Your garbage needs some hauring
And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin
1216
01:37:39,636 --> 01:37:42,833
Now I must return home a failure
1217
01:37:43,039 --> 01:37:49,308
I'm afraid the Pit of Cryrock
Is carring
98299
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