All language subtitles for Keep The Change (2017).Eng

Oh my god, look at that.

It's so sad they all messed

their lives up, those people.

Say, why did the
bum vote for Obama?

You're supposed to say, why.

Okay, why?

'Cause he
wanted change!

Wow, that's
funny Mr. Cohen.

Hey, you remember
my cousin Matt, the actor?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, he's doing a
show on Broadway now

and we're gonna tear
up the town together.

Wow.

Yeah, he knows all
the real cool spots,

real underground
places, you know?

I thought you were going
drop me off in the Village.

Mr.
Cohen, I told you,

your mom said that
I need to make sure

you get into your meeting.

Traitor.

Oh gosh.

Hi everyone.

Welcome to the summer
semester of Connections.

Over here on this table
we've got some clipboards,

that's where you'll register.

If you have any
questions about Lit Club

you can ask Mar.

Paint and Pottery
you can ask Annie,

she knows everything there
is about those groups,

and if you have any
questions about Drama Dreams

we have Sarah and Sammy.

They can tell you anything
you need to know about those.

Would you like to talk a
little bit about Drama Dreams?

Yes.

Okay.

Yes, Dorsey.

All right, here you go.

Hi everyone, welcome.

Drama Dreams is a wonderful,
magnificent opportunity

and way to shine and do
a little mix and match

and you do a great deal of
acting and improvisation

and spontaneous performances
that are so flexible.

You go with the flow.

And it's very unscripted, so...

This is
such a good party.

Yeah.

The
music's really great.

Because if you
saw what happened

with Bernie Madoff and
all the other people,

and AIG and Lehman Brothers.

We were kinda like bookies
or so I found out later on

and then kinda like...

Wait, who's Bernie Madoff?

He's a man who
ripped off investors.

His initials are BM
for a good reason.

Because he is a
human bowel movement.

I know it's your
first time here,

downstairs there's I
think this juice bar.

They've got this really
good kale shake down there

if you wanna do a
little juicin' with me.

What is with the
fruity music in this place.

You have a problem
with the music?

Oh no man, it's cool,
it's cool, I'm good.

Who's the new initiate
and what's wrong with him?

Well I
guess it's just,

you know, sensory overload.

I don't have a problem,
I'm just passing through.

I bet you say that
to all the boys.

Mom!

I'm not going back there!

Hold on.

Mom!

I said I'm not going back there!

You wanna go to jail, David?

You want to ruin
your father's life?

Dad, make her stop!

I mean, I know she hates me

and she just wants
me to roll up and die

and wants me to jump
off a goddamn roof.

David, give it a rest, okay?

It's not therapy, it's
a fruit cake place.

Like the judge said, you
show up, you sign your name,

six weeks later, dismissed.

Maybe next time, don't
tell pig jokes to a cop.

And what the hell
am I going to tell Angie?

Who's Angie?

The girl
that I'm seeing.

I thought her
name was Melinda.

No, that didn't work out
between me and Melinda.

If Angie has a
problem with this,

her mother can give me a call.

Ah!

David please.

Sorry, I can't
help it, I'm trying.

I don't belong there mom.

I don't like the
look of the people

at that place any
better than you do,

but if you don't do this,

you won't be able
to leave the state.

No Florida, no beach club.

You'll spend the
rest of the year

stuck up here with aunt Rudy.

Is that what you want?

No.

Just get it over with then

so everything can
go back to normal.

Oh sweetheart,
come let's have some fruit.

You go lie down with some fruit,

maybe a cool bath, your PJs?

Hi, I'm Mar.

What's your name?

My name is Sammy.

It's nice to meet you, Sammy.

It's nice to meet you, Mar.

I'm so happy that you are
here in this organization

that my parents
really helped found.

That's so...

And Connections
is a branch of that.

Oops, sorry to
cut you off Sammy,

I have trouble reading
non-verbal cues

because of my vision impairment.

That's okay, Mar.

I'm always respectful
to people around me.

Their needs and their wishes.

That's so cool.

Mar and Sammy that was
great, thank you so much.

Who wants to go next?

Sarah, all right.

Who's gonna partner with Sarah?

Andrew, how about you?

Haven't heard from
you much today.

Okay.

Hey, David.

We're gonna stick
with the same thing,

friendly conversations,
with people

who we maybe have just met
or don't know very well.

Does that sound okay?

Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

All right.

David, sound okay to you?

Yeah.

Okay, go for it.

So David, what would
you like to talk about?

Do you like to speak
about movies, operas,

ballets, Broadway musicals?

No.

Me neither.

I'm not really crazy
about speaking about

any of that kind of stuff.

Yes, Sarah.

Dorsey, David's being
really quiet, and shy.

He's not participating.

He's not contributing to his
fair share in the conversation.

He's just being so,
really in dead silence.

So let's ask the
group what they think

could help David be more
involved in the conversation.

I think Sarah, threw a
little too much information

at David all at once.

Sometimes, when you're in a
conversation with someone new,

that's not good,
it can scare them.

Any
other suggestions?

You cannot bring up
a conversation topic,

if neither of you is interested.

So let's find a
common interest.

David, you can even
pick the interest.

How about the Brooklyn Bridge.

Oh, okay!

That sounds wonderful.

What do you really
love and enjoy the most

about doing at the
Brooklyn Bridge,

I mean we should really make
some plans to go together.

That would be very
interesting for both of us.

And we could both have a
wonderful time together.

We can both jump
off the bridge.

Dorsey, David's really,
really not cooperating with me.

I can't believe she
actually took me so seriously.

Well David, I actually
think that this would be

a really wonderful homework
assignment for the two of you.

You can practice those
conversation skills

and come back and share
that with the group.

David, I
need you to cooperate.

Just missed my
freakin' elevator.

I just want to get
out of this building.

David, that's very irrelevant.

We need to focus on getting

our homework
assignment completed

that Dorsey assigned us to.

This is very exciting for me!

Maybe for you.

We wanna report,

my job and my
responsibility, David,

is to report to Dorsey
and keep her posted

on how everything
goes that we observe

at the Brooklyn Bridge.

We have to make this plan.

We were the one that committed.

We have to stick to our
commitments and plan properly.

Bye!

David we have to make plans,

we're not planning properly,

we have to plan properly David.

See you later.

Have a nice life.

- Hi!
- Hi!

You must be Angie.

David?

- I'm David, that's right.
- So nice to meet you.

- It's great to meet you too.
- I didn't know if you were

gonna recognize me
from the website.

You look even more
beautiful than in person

than on your profile.

Oh my god, thank you.

Oh my gosh, sorry.

I'm usually not this
nervous, but you know

I rarely meet
nice, normal, guys.

Thank you.

Thanks.

So uh, do you want anything
to eat or anything?

You seem hungry or
nervous or something.

No, I'm on this no-carb diet,

so that's all you.

Did you know that milk
had carbs in them?

Wow, milk had carbs.

So I'm excited about
this U2 concert

tonight, you know?
- Yes, me too!

I love U2!

I love Bono, I'm
obsessed with him.

I know everything about him,

like his date of
birth: May 10th, 1960.

Whoa, 1960.

You kind of look like
him a little bit.

Hello, hello!

- Yeah, the glasses.
- That's good.

That's good.

Um, do you always keep
your sunglasses on?

Sorry.

It's my allergies.

Do you need a napkin?

No, I just...

so, um, you into sports at all?

Um, sort of.

You heard of Kobe Bryant?

Yeah, this morning he was
traded to the LA Rapers.

I'm sorry, that wasn't funny.

I got a funnier one.

My two favorite things,
Jello pudding and rape.

I'm just gonna
run to the bathroom.

Excuse me, I'm sorry,
excuse me, sorry.

Angie!

Ang!

Hi.

Such a
fucking bum.

Fucking bum!

Welcome
to Drama Therapy

I'm so happy
to be here Delilah.

Excellent,
so this summer,

we're actually gonna be
working towards a performance.

Really?

Oooh, wow!

Yeah, and what
we're gonna be doing

is we're going to be
exploring who we are

and then we're gonna be able to

show that to the world.

And so one of the things
we're gonna do this summer

is we're going to
create our performance

around the idea of superheroes.

Ooh!

So what I want you guys
to be thinking about,

think about if you
had a superhero power,

what would it be?

I love it.

That is fantastic!

I love it, it's just
what I've wanted for years.

David.

What happened?

What?

You missed our
homework assignment.

What homework assignment?

Remember, we were
supposed to write a report

about the Brooklyn Bridge.

Look, how about this.

Why don't you do this
professionally, okay?

I'm gonna pay you
money to do this.

I mean, you want money.

How much do you want, $20?

David, that's
not the assignment,

you're giving me
a really hard time

which is completely not okay,
completely unacceptable.

Look David, if you're not
gonna cooperate with me

and contribute to
your fair share,

I'm going to advocate myself

and speak my mind to Dorsey

'cause this is
completely unacceptable.

Okay, you want to go
to the Brooklyn Bridge,

we'll go to the
Brooklyn Bridge, okay?

We'll go to the
Brooklyn Bridge, okay?

Will that get you off my case?

What does off your case mean?

It means
you'll be satisfied.

Very much so.

Taxi!

Um, I find
it really really scary.

But I feel so much
safer on the bus,

and the only way to get home

to my grandmother's home
safe and sound is the bus,

and taxis are so expensive

and I find them
so nerve-wracking.

What are you Rain
Man or something?

I mean, you have to have
a system for everything,

gotta go to Kmart, 41
Oak Street, lights at 11.

Don't you just want to live

without going according
to the system,

without sticking
to the line once?

Believe me, I took the bus once,

it was a messed up
experience for me.

I got on the bus, it
was goddamned crowded,

I felt like a sardine,
then when I sat down,

this homeless guy got up to me

and started harassing
the shit out of me

and I felt like yelling
out hobophobic slurs,

not homophobic, hobophobic...

What's Hobophobic?

It's a phobia against bums.

Look, it's one thing if you want

to take the bus by yourself,

you can do whatever the
hell you want on your own,

but when you're with
me, let's take a cab.

Buses are for paupers,
and cabs are for

the prince and the princess.

You know, why don't
you just sit back,

lay back and enjoy the ride.

Okay.

So how much
do I owe you, sir?

$7.50.

Here you go, $20.

Keep the change.

C'mon

C'mon, come join me David!

I'm having a wonderful time!

My first time ever at
the Brooklyn Bridge!

It's a gorgeous bird's-eye view!

Where are
you going, David?

I'm free now.

But, how
am I getting home?

How do you usually get home?

I plan to take my bus.

So then, take the bus.

The bus from the
JCC is the only way

I know how to get home to my
grandmother's home safely,

and I count 13 stops.

Oh Jesus.

How old are you Sarah?

David, I'm 24.

And how long have you
been living in New York?

I've been living in New
York City my whole life

since I was a little born child.

So you mean to tell me
that you've been in this town

for 24 years and you
don't know how to get

to your grandmother's
house from here?

Well, the JCC,
the bus from the JCC

is the only way I
know how to get home.

That's the only way.

You happy now?

I had to take you all the
way back to the JC bus stop.

I guess you want to take
the bus, we'll take the,

look there we go, it's
your bus stop right there.

Okay, take the bus, okay?

What?

Um.

Um.

Yeah?

Um, David.

What?

Um, what about, what
about, what about.

What happened?

When are we gonna finish
our homework assignment?

At the Brooklyn Bridge?

We were there all day?

We just did.

But it's not complete,

we're supposed to write
a report about it.

I don't know, do it
with one of your friends.

But David, I
really feel strongly

about doing this with you,

I really, really
wanna do it with you

because I find you really
smoking hot and so sexy.

Hey Mom, is it
okay if Geraldo drives me

into the city today?

It's a Sunday, what are
you doing in the city?

I just feel like
hanging out and stuff.

You know, for that group.

I didn't think you were forced

to go there on the weekend.

Do I need to make a call
to that woman, Dorothy?

No no no, it's not that.

It's this voluntary
thing, you know?

Voluntary?

I just figured I'd
get extra credit.

They'd let me out earlier for
like good behavior and stuff.

You're here to
audition for my play.

A lot of you are vying
for the same part.

I hope that this does not cause

any problems with
your relationships.

These pages aren't
numbered but flip the page.

Here scene three,
do you see it Sarah?

Pardon me pretty lady,

I couldn't help but
notice you in tears.

What seems to be the trouble?

I'd love to help.

David, you made it!

I want you to
audition for my play,

for the leading role
of Travis McHenry.

You look just like my
idol that I have loved

ever since I was a
teen, he's on a show

that did not last very long

but it's called Malibu Mohawks.

Oh, Malibu Mohawks?

My cousin was on that show.

- Your cousin?
- Matt Cone, Matt Cone!

Matt Cone's your cousin?

He's my cousin.

He's more like a brother to me

'cause I really worship him.
- Matt Cone is your cousin?

Yeah!

Like a brother to you?

Just tell me why
he's your idol, huh?

Why do you love him so much?

He looks like the person

who really can sweep
me off my feet.

And I know that he is
as wonderful,

he's as fancy on the inside
as he is on the outside.

Okay, what is it
you want me to do?

I want you to try on
some clothes for Travis.

Why don't we try
on this beautiful,

Handsome, white shirt.

I want to see how
you look in it.

- What the hell is this?
- C'mon David.

This looks kind
of gay, no offense.

Travis is bi-sexual.

Why?

Whoa, whoa.

I'm not going to play gay...

I think you can...

I like women you know?

Are you sure?

Yes.

This is a man's shirt.

Travis is a man.

It says Ann Taylor Loft.

Ann Taylor is the designer.

Yeah, that's a
woman's designer.

She's the designer, she
doesn't wear the shirt.

The men and the women
will love you, try it on.

You do
realize those people

are weird in there, don't you?

Huh? No.

No, what
do you mean no?

You don't know that
they're not exactly normal?

Um, no.

I mean, do they have
you brainwashed or something?

What's brainwashed?

Like,
they think for you.

You don't want to be like that,

you want to be normal like me.

Sorry, I sneezed.

Are you okay?

Yeah, it's been a
very hot day today.

I bet, it's really
hotsy-totsy today.

You don't have to
say stuff like that,

it's kind of irritating,

I mean, hotsy-totsy,
sharing is caring.

Yummy in my tummy!

See, there you go again.

I mean, why do you
say stuff like that?

It's very irritating.

So in other words, it
rubs you in the wrong way?

Yeah, that's right.

So meaning, it's
not your cup of tea

and it doesn't float your boat?

See, you're doing it again.

You don't want people to
think that you're abnormal

or anything like that, right?

Like those people
at that program.

I don't know.

No offense or anything,

but I think you're above them.

What's your problem anyway?

I don't know what's
wrong with you.

Well, I have autism.

Is that it?

Um, no, I also have an LD.

What is that
like a venereal thing?

No, it's a
learning disability.

Oh, huh.

Well, I guess
everybody's got problems.

That's true, so
what's your problem, David?

I don't know, I guess I got

a little bit stressed
out this year,

but I've been getting
better, you know?

Why do you have to go
home so urgently, anyhow?

How about if I take you
out instead tonight?

What will I tell
my grandmother?

Well, if not, then how
about tomorrow night?

Tomorrow is Game Night.

Thursday?

Thursday, we're going on
a field trip to the zoo.

How about Friday then?

Friday is show tunes.

Show tunes?

Yeah, show tunes is
every single Friday.

Every single Friday?

I enjoy it
very much, show tunes.

How about, just
miss one show tunes?

Just for me?

So I guess, I'll
see you this Friday?

This is my bus.

We're
gonna continue today

working with our
theme of superheroes.

Sound okay?

Yes! Wonderful!

So the question I
asked you guys last week,

and I asked you guys to think
about it a little bit was:

If you had a superpower,
what would it be?

Uh, I guess it would be to,

I guess it would be to,

I guess it would
be to let the world

know who I really am, you know?

To let the world
know who you really are?

But to really express
myself in a variety of ways.

My superpower would be

to get Matt Cone to
fall in love with me

and to propose to me.

Matt Cone is kissing
me, our shirts are off,

we're lying down, his
stomach is touching mine.

All right.

Let's try to stay focused. Okay?

On the count of three,
I'm gonna ask you guys

to change the way you're
sitting in your chair,

and I want you to think about

how this superhero would sit.

You ready?

Okay, hold on I didn't
count to three yet.

- Oh sorry.
- Okay, you ready?

One, two, three!

Ooh, careful.

Look at all of these
amazing superheroes here.

What incredible characters.

David.

If you had a superpower,
what would it be?

I'd be invisible.

Why?

So I can go into the
ladies' locker room.

To do this stunt,
takes a lot of confidence.

You all should
be confident.

Give him a hand!

So, a guy walks
into a sex shop

and says, "I want
an inflatable doll."

What's an inflatable?

You know, those sex dolls,

you have sex with
those inflatable dolls

that you see at the Porno Stop.

But so he says, "do
you want a male doll

"or a female doll
to do it with?"

"I want a female doll to do
with, what do you think I'm gay

"and I want to do it
with a male doll?"

"Okay, do you want a black
doll or a white doll?"

"I don't know, I'm not
sure, I guess a white doll?"

That's so racist
and offensive.

Well it gets even more
racist and offensive!

"Do you want a Jewish
inflatable doll,

"a Christian inflatable doll
or a Muslim inflatable doll?"

He goes, "Why do
you ask me that?"

"Because the Muslims,
they blow themselves up!"

Allah!

You don't get it?

No I don't, I find it really
offensive, and so confusing.

So, you know that
girl that said,

"I'm not working during the week

"because I have to go
do camp in Cranford?"

- Right.
- So I go, "Oh well,

"I'm Jewish, I don't
like to do camp."

Hold on, what camp is this?

I don't know, I think
it's a concentration.

I'm just kidding!

That's not funny!

I need to concentrate.

Right.

So what camp is this?

Um, I'm not sure.

Okay.

But, I go, "I don't like to go

to no camps, I'm Jewish!"

Well, I'm, you know
what David, I'm Jewish,

but I've been to sleep-away camp

and I've performed in a lot of

musical theater
productions and plays.

Oh, it was a stupid
joke I said, I'm sorry...

Can you give me
a time to ask you, maybe,

what the joke means?

I'll explain the joke,

I mean, I'll explain the joke.

Because words can

have multiple meanings.
- Because, it's like,

yeah, there were
multiple meanings.

Just like with...

Maybe when there's a pause

I can ask you for
clarification...

- Words...
- Wait, don't interrupt me,

I can ask you for clarification.

I'm sorry, I'm
getting nervous,

I didn't mean to interrupt.
- Maybe when there's a pause

to ask you, so I
know what it means.

I need specifics.

I only said
it to make you laugh,

not to make you argue with me.

It sounds like Who's on First.

I don't want to
hear Who's on First, I just,

all I care about is
understanding your jokes.

Sarah, I
made a boo-boo, okay?

It's not you, it's me.

I didn't mean to annoy
you just now, okay?

How ya doing,
chicken and rice.

David.

I have an opportunity
that I think

you'll appreciate as a gay man.

What?

Uh, lamb gyro please?

Dude, I'm not gay.

What?

- Sorry, I'm not gay.
- Thank you.

But you have such
gay mannerisms.

You're so artsy.

You're so suave and you seem
to flirt with all the guys.

How would you and
Matt like to come

to our exclusive club
of show tunes on Friday?

I can't this
Friday, I have plans.

Cancel them.

Nah, I'm supposed
to see Sarah that day.

Sarah is gonna
be at show tunes.

She can't get
out of this Friday?

She can't, ever!

She is the star,
she is the diva,

she is the songbird,
she provides the music.

Without her,
there'd be no music.

Well, I gotta
see Sarah that day,

I mean, we have plans, you know?

I mean, to go out on a date.

She's my girlfriend.

What?

Yeah, she's my girlfriend.

Oh my god!

You know what then, nevermind.

Don't come to show
tunes, it's okay,

forget I ever said anything.

Don't come to show tunes.

Wait wait, what the hell,

you just offered me and
then you take it away?

No, it's okay, I
changed my mind...

I got to see Sarah that day!

You can see Sarah another day.

Please don't come to show tunes.

Why not?

Why not?

How much?

$5.

There you
go, keep the change.

- Thank you.
- Have a good day.

Your turn, Zach, if
that's your real name.

Uh, how 'bout
something from Les Mis.

Could we please
do something else?

We hear it all the
time from Sarah.

How about
a song from Cats?

Which version?

Can it be the same one?

I prefer it wasn't,

we like some variety
in this thing.

Zach, could you
pick something else?

- No.
- It's not up to him, Sammy.

All right, your
turn, hippy guy.

My name is Dylan, don't
call me that ever again.

What's your pick.

The Acid Queen.

Great song,
but not a show tune.

How about, Paradox,

or When You Had Left
Your Pirate Fold,

from Pirates of Penzance?

You always pick that one,

but the game requires
me to indulge you.

David?

Hey everybody.

What are you doing here?

I told you not to come.

Gotta
give this to you.

Wow, you look great!

I mean, you look
great in red too.

I love the red dress
by the way, you know.

I was figuring, maybe you
wanna get together later,

after this thing, you know?

Go out somewhere to eat?

Why aren't you happy to see me?

David, I know how smokin'
hot and sexy you are,

but this is not the right time

and the place to be
having this conversation.

We're not gonna discuss
it here any further.

So, what exactly is
it that you do, David?

I'm a filmmaker.

Uh-huh?

I have a
project in the works.

Let me guess, you...

still live with your parents.

Never earned a
nickel in your life,

and never actually make films,

just talk about making them.

Am I on point here, so far?

I'm a legit filmmaker.

I have a film, which
is in consideration

of the Palm Beach
International Film Festival.

Here, take a look at this.

My movie.

Please take that
thing out of my face,

a bunch of random home movies

strung together in
no aesthetic order.

So, Sarah, my darling,
it is your turn.

Why don't
you ever let me sing?

As my girlfriend, Sarah
has special privileges.

Now sing my beautiful songbird!

Magnificent, brava!

Sarah and Will are a couple?

Let me explain,

Sarah is basically a
player or a man-izer.

Whoa.

This is part of her nature.

She said she really likes me,

that I'm the cat's meow.

She also describes the
holocaust as a bummer.

Can you understand
this about her?

Yeah.

Don't expect anything
other than dates and sex.

Can we play the title
song of Anything Goes?

Help a brother out man?

Get that fuckin'
thing out of my face,

it's not my fault you
fucked your life up,

you fuckin' asshole!

Fuck you, you bum!

Fuck you!

Chill out, dude.

Shut the fuck up!

Okay, Sarah, Zach?

Now, we did scene three before,

now we're gonna try
it without scripts.

That being said,
Zach, same thing.

Butt-naked would be best.

All my
clothes are staying on.

Then, that is fine.

To him directly?

Yes.

Oh, Travis.

I'm so impressed you came to me.

Sarah?

- What?
- You don't know his name.

No, just say
it without the name?

Say it without the name.

Oh my God, I'm so
impressed you came to me.

The joy of my life!

It makes me, I'm so thrilled!

Sarah.

- What?
- Do you tell him

how you feel, right away?

No.

Why you didn't
tell me you had a boyfriend?

What do you mean?

Exactly what I meant.

Why you didn't tell me
you had a boyfriend?

Well, I don't
know how you felt

about open relationships...

Open relationships?

This is what you call this?

David,
I still need to,

I need to still properly
smooth you out here.

I mean, what you
don't understand is,

there's so much fish
out there in the sea.

And you let all
these fish, touch you?

No, it's just,

all these men who
are on top of me,

all over me.
- Oh my god...

or on my lap.

What?

Am I hearing right, they sit
on your lap and all that?

My god.

Okay, I'm going to use a really,
really ugly word right now.

I'm not ugly.

I didn't say you were ugly.

I said I'm using an ugly word.

Does the word promiscuous
mean anything to you?

No.

It means that these
men, do not respect you.

That they just want
you for one thing.

Right in the
spur of the moment,

I feel as though you're
putting a lot of social

and emotional pressure
right now to me.

When was the last
time Will actually

included you in a
conversation, huh?

See?

I'm not pressuring you.

You do what you want to.

I'm not gonna force you
to be my girlfriend.

Whatever.

Sarah and David, you
had some homework, right?

You went to the Brooklyn Bridge?

How was it?

It's kind of irritating.

Okay,
irritating, how?

Sarah, what about you?

What did you think of
the Brooklyn Bridge?

Well, to be very
honest with you, Dorsey,

even though David found
it really irritating

to focus on the positive,
I had a wonderful time.

Terrific memories there.

Can anybody
else relate to that?

Yeah, I
don't envy anybody...

Are you
getting in, Mr. Cohen?

What about your friends?

One, two... gah!

Be angry!

Wooo!

Wow.

One more for good luck!

You wanna kiss your boyfriend.

What
about you, girl?

I don't know how.

Here,
use this, use this.

I just felt like watching.

I have very severe diet
restrictions to gluten,

I wanna make sure
there's no gluten.

I just want to make
it absolutely very,

very crystal clear.

And if it has no gluten,

I would really love
the lobster salad.

Does mayonnaise
have gluten in it?

No, all right.

Okay, yeah.

Look at this, this is fun.

It doesn't have to necessarily

be on the beach David, you know?

Well this is what
the beach is about.

David, I just really don't
like the sand on my feet.

Come on, I just
wanna hold your hand.

Can't we do something else?

Like mix and match and
explore a variety...

What you want to do Sarah?

Okay, what do you
want to do, okay?

- What I want to do David...
- We're in Coney Island here.

There's like a million
things to do here,

what do you want to do?

Oh my god.
- Oh, look, look!...

David, look!

Look at this, I love,
this looks so exciting,

look at the one
right here, look!

David,
sweetheart, this looks

so exciting and tantalizing.

It looks like the
strings are going to break,

I don't want you to get hurt.

We won't get hurt,
you'll protect me.

I want to go on them with you.

I just figured,
you'd like the teacups,

the horsey rides, the boats.

Perfect for a lady
like you, you know?

I don't want to go
on the baby rides,

I've aged out of those stages.

Do you want
to go on the sling ride?

Where's the sling ride?

Look at that, up in the air.

The boat rides, are
still not appropriate for my,

the boat rides are
still very babyish.

We can always go
on the horsey ride, you know,

like the merry-go-round?

Everybody goes on
the merry-go-round.

Everyone of all ages.

- Okay.
- It's not just for babies.

Okay, I trust you on
that, we'll do that.

What's wrong?

Don't you want a horse?

No, horses are not for men.

Woohoo!

Woohoo!

Woo!

I'm having a
blast, David, woo!

Woo!

Woohoo!

Sorry, it's my allergies.

It's okay, it's okay!

Oh, I'm out of control,
get off the ride!

Stop the ride!

Stop the ride!

About that thing,
the horsey ride,

I just got real sick that's all,

but I'm okay now, you know?

I mean, I'm not contagious
or anything like...

Sarah, look at me.

I'm okay.

I mean, I've really
been getting better.

Well, I always say,
you can't go wrong

with a little Gilbert
and Sullivan...

Gilbert and Sullivan?

For this?

How 'bout some
Justin Timberlake.

Hey, Will.

Let's do Mirrors
and Cry Me A River,

they're both on your Best List.

I'm excited to see

what you present
in the showcase.

Oh really, I thought
you were just passing through.

Are you a fairy princess?

I really love your
outfit, it's so beautiful!

I love green, it's
my favorite color!

Hey, thank you!

God bless you!

Here we
are, my cousin's play.

You're just gonna love it.

Hey Matt, it's David.

We just saw your show,
we're still at the theater,

so I don't know what to do.

You want to meet us
at the restaurant?

Is there anything I
can help you with though?

No, I don't really
need anything.

I wanna know what
your hobbies are,

what are you passionate about?

I don't have hobbies.

I just work.

Oh, what are you
so passionate about

working in the theater?

What do you love
about it so much?

Nothing.

I don't love anything about it.

Please give me a call, okay?

Hi.

- Hey.
- We're not exactly

asking for autographs,
have you seen Matt Cone?

I just work the door,
I'm just security.

If I show my ticket
stubs, can I go in?

I really got to see him.

You can't go in here.

Well, they do come out
here, the actor's right?

I'm not asking for any trouble,

I'm not a bad person
or anything, I just...

You're not
getting any trouble.

There's no trouble, you
just can't go in this door.

He's my cousin, you know?

I don't care who
your cousin is,

or your brother, your
uncle, your grandmother,

I don't care...

I feel like you're angry
at the world, ya know.

You should just
lighten up, ya know?

I mean, I'll tell you a joke,

Shia LaBeouf was in the
car with Lindsay Lohan.

Do you know who was driving?

The cops!

You trying to get hurt?

You wanna get hurt tonight?

Being up so
late, it's gorgeous.

Well hurry up,
the light, the light.

David, it's
so deserted here,

like there's no one,
there's no souls,

like it's practically not even...

Watch out for those bikers!

Isn't this place great?

Oh my god.

You know you're
at a good restaurant

when the ambiance is beautiful.

So, take a look at the menu.

David, but the language
is so confusing, I mean...

That's because it's
Italian, it's another country.

David, I don't
speak any Italian,

it's very confusing.
- I don't either.

Just order anything
that sounds pretty.

Under antipasti,
there's esparigo di campo,

esparigo oliva oil,
foggi montinada.

David, that's so confusing

that I have no idea
what that means.

That's how Italian
works, you know?

Good evening.

Hi my name is Kevin, I'll
be taking care of you.

- Hey Kevin.
- Good evening Kevin.

What's up Kevin?

Something for the
lovely lady and gentleman?

Well, I just want you to know,

I'm expecting two more people.

Oh great, well we do
have some specials tonight:

Mozzarella con Funghi,
Scallopine Tutta Terra,

Farfalle con Pollo,
Carciofi, Marsala,

Salmone, that's with the
little white wine sauce.

It sounds so
beautiful and romantic.

See, it sounds
like music, Sarah.

It sounds great,
here why don't you

order whatever you want, okay?

Excuse me for a minute.

Okeydokey artichokey,
oh my goodness.

I mean, we're
holding the table for you,

but you want to meet for
drinks after or something?

Ah, sorry bud.

This cast party's
not letting out,

but it'll be just
you and me next time.

I promise.
- Yeah, yeah and Sarah.

You gotta meet this
girl, she's beautiful,

classy and she's
crazy about me, Matt.

All right buddy,
I can't wait to meet her.

Yeah, we'll do a double date.

Wow, this is a lot of food.

I'm glad you're getting
comfortable here.

How do you like it?
- This is to die from.

Yeah,
it's good, isn't it?

Mm!

And here we are...

Wow.

Would you
like anything else?

No, I'll just
have the check, here.

Great.

I've never seen
you so happy before,

aren't you glad you came here?

This is a $900 bill.

What were you doing
there, traveling Europe?

I met a girl.

David, come on, one
of the internet women,

your imaginary girlfriends?

No, this girl's real.

Sure she is.

She wants to marry me.

What?

David, that is not funny.

Where's she from?

From that group?

This is a gold-digger.

From now on, you go to your
classes, you come home.

Look I'll pay you back.

You couldn't pay me
back for a Lifesaver.

It's not the money.

It's where will you
be when we're gone?

Who's going to take care of
you when Dad and I are gone?

Hi.

Sarah.

Hi grandma.

Hi, who's this?

This is my
boyfriend, David Cohen.

- Hi David.
- Hi.

Would you like a tequila?

Uh, no thanks, I'm not
thirsty but thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

Okay, excuse me,

I'm going in.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah,
it's all right.

She's my Grandma.

She's an alcoholic.

Oh.

There's me
at my bar mitzvah.

Aww.

Yeah, I was
a cute kid back then.

That's my prom date.

I didn't even get to kiss her.

That's too bad.

Well, that's high school.

Say hi to
the camera, David.

So what do you think, huh?

Isn't it great?

I mean, that's my whole
autobiography, you know?

Overall, I really,
really loved it.

It's a powerful film.

You have to admit, it is very
creative, don't you think?

Yeah, it's really...

to be very honest with you,

I mean, it's very powerful
and very creative.

I really loved it very
very much overall,

except for...
- That's right,

it's a work of art.

Yeah, that's what I
really loved about it,

for everything
except for the ending

which was really,
really confusing.

But that's the point.

Nobody says, when I grow up,
I choose to be that, you know?

And sometimes, changes
happen for the worst

and people just have a
sad ending after that,

and that's realistic.

Like that, you know
those tics and all that.

Those noises that I make?

I'm perfectly aware of that,

but David, let me give you
also positive critiques,

what I did really, really
love, your childhood memories,

your bar mitzvah
and your graduation,

they were so rewarding
and so special.

You know my cousin, Matt Cone?

Yeah.

You know how
Sammy always says,

oh Matt Cone this, Matt
Cone that, I want Matt Cone.

You know why?

He's a very, very
important person.

He's an actor and all that.

A real big-time celebrity.

- Mm-hmm.
- He's going to like

put this in a film festival.

Palm Beach International
Film Festival.

He's gonna open the door for me,

and I'm gonna catch my
big break in Hollywood.

You know?
- Cool.

Sarah, can I
ask you something?

Yes David, sure.

I mean, I know that,
I seem like a big shot

driving around town
with my limo driver,

and taking you to all these
nice fancy restaurants.

It never occurred to you,

oh this kid's just a
total bum with no future,

just a complete bum.

You don't think
I'm a bum, do you?

Absolutely not, David.

I think you're really,
really bright, very smart,

really, really a glorious
hunky, sensational

and just so sexy and
attractive-looking.

To a point that it's really
getting me in a very horny

and sexually-arousing
mood right now.

Wow, oh my god, you
have your hand on my leg.

That feels so
sexually arousing.

Oh, god.

Hi!

Go Josh, go Josh, go
Josh, go Josh, go Josh.

Go Sarah, go Sarah, go Sarah.

It's so easy,
it's a piece of cake.

I'll teach you, David.

I don't like to
dance, come on.

But I'll teach
you, it's a piece of cake.

Come to the dance floor.

I would like to make a
toast to Sarah and David.

As somebody who
has dated many men,

I never thought you would find
love like you did with David.

You two are really going
to make it as a couple!

I know it.

So here's to you,
to Sarah and David!

To Sarah and David!

It's getting a little
sappy for my taste here.

When we say I love you,

we're really trying to
say to the other person,

I like you enough not to
wanna rip your face off

and feed it to a dog,
feed it to a mongrel.

That would be a bummer.

I don't believe
that for a minute.

I think you two
will get married,

and Matt and I will get married

and the four of us are
going to be family together

and friends together.

How can you have friends,

if the person next
to you is the one

who's gonna sell you out to
save his own ass, you know?

It would be boring,

imagine if you didn't
have someone to nuke.

Come on man.

Do you watch a
lot of Fox News?

I'm a Fox News junkie.

I like it the way Homer Simpson
likes Duff at Moe's Tavern.

Do you know what Homer
Simpson said to the drug dealer?

No, what?

Dohpe!

Oh my
god, oh my god...

You know, I'm with
Nancy Reagan there.

Ooh!

Can you
pass the potato...

and the macaroni?

Are there any more
chicken cutlets?

Here you go, Sammy.

On your
way, you're Russian.

When you get in, European.

When you come out,
you're Finnish.

What does a soda machine

have in common with
Monica Lewinsky?

Both say insert Bill here.

Oh, let Sarah!

No.

Come on Sarah.

I don't know any jokes.

The jokes
are gluten free.

I don't know any jokes.

Don't pressure her,
come on, come on guys.

I don't know any jokes.

It's okay, it's okay.

I got one, I got one.

This one got me into
a bit of trouble.

Why did the Jewish
guy divorce his wife

when she became a cop?

Why?

'Cause Jews can't eat pork.

So we've got
our showcase Night to Shine

coming up really soon, and
I also have registration

for the fall semester.

If anyone wants to
sign up for the fall

be sure to register and
write your name down

because this registration
goes really quickly.

There's a clipboard going
around this side of the room,

but I'm gonna start
another one over here.

Just put your name down, and
I hope to see you in the fall,

so we can have
more fun together.

I just don't understand
why you're leaving.

Why aren't you
coming back, David?

I don't know, I just can't.

Can I ask you something, Sarah?

Do you want to live with
your grandmother forever?

I mean you do want
to grow, right?

You're a grown woman.

Yeah.

Don't you wanna
have all the things

that normal people have?

I want to marry you.

I don't see myself being with
anyone else but you, Sarah.

If I had to go to Florida,
would you come with me?

To Florida?

No, no, no, she can't
come to Florida.

I don't even know this girl,

and you want her to live
with us for six months?

What if she just
comes for the ride

and she can stay at Aunt
Evelyn's and Uncle Harry's?

In Boca.

She's not some girl from
some crazy house though,

she really has it together
and she's beautiful,

and she's Jewish too, mom!

You'd love her so much,
you'd probably want her

to be your
daughter-in-law one day.

Maybe, maybe someday
we'll meet her,

but we don't bring
people to Florida,

especially people that
we don't know, okay?

That dad and I haven't met so...

Okay, well what if I told you

she's upstairs right
now in my bedroom.

I invited her for the weekend.

Look, this has
no gluten in it,

it's very good,
it's very healthy.

Wow, it looks really delicious

and yummy in the tummy.

Potatoes, beets.

Here try this try it and tell
me what you think of this.

Oh I love it, it's
absolutely delicious,

groovalicious and really
yummy in the tummy.

So, Sarah, how
did you two meet?

Oh, well Carrie
that's a great question.

David and I, us two met at
a place

called the Jewish
Community Center

and I found the perfect
one, right here.

Mm-hmm

It was a dream come true,

it was very romantic and sexual.

It was what?

I mean, Mom, Dad, you see
how happy I am, you know?

Sarah is the most amazing
thing that ever happened to me.

She's the one for me.

How long did it take to
realize that this was the one?

We met over a month
ago, but officially,

we've been going out
for roughly two weeks.

- Mm-hmm.
- We've been dating.

Two weeks?

- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

That's 14 days.

Yeah.

Half a month.

If you
have any questions,

you know what to do, okay?

Don't worry about
trying to understand.

Just follow the leader!

That's right, follow
the leader, okay?

Just pretend you're interested
in what they have to say.

If they laugh, you laugh,

if they look serious,
you look serious, okay?

In other words,
I will try my best

to lighten my load,
take a chill pill

and have a wonderful time.

Yeah, we just need to
chill out tonight, okay?

In other words,
to get the lay of the land,

cool ourselves off and
have a wonderful time.

You don't even
have to say that,

just say, yeah okay
cool, that's great.

Okay, cool, take a chill pill,

lighten our loads...

You know that
saying, less is more?

I remember
perfectly, David.

Yes.

Uncle Jimmy!

How are ya?

This is my girlfriend Sarah.

Girlfriend?

- Yeah.
- Holy moly!

Let me get a look.

Perfect.

What did the duck
say to the bartender?

Come on.
- Here we go again.

It's okay.

What?

Put it on my bill.

Ha!

Multiple meanings!

Hi, oh how
lovely to meet you.

I'm Sarah Silverstein,
David Cohen's girlfriend.

And I love being a
performing artist,

singing, acting
and working with.

Let me ask you
this, Aunt Jessica,

or what about you,
what's your name?

What are your
passions and careers

that you guys like
to do for fun?

Well, we love artwork.

We like to go to art shows,
and we like to travel.

What kind of art
shows, do you guys like?

We go to a lot of craft shows.

Oh, wow.

It's a really great
pleasure to meet you,

what a blessing.

I really love your outfit too,

I love the color pink,

it's my second favorite color.

Thank you, you're
very interesting.

Thank you, it's a
pleasure meeting you too.

I mean, boy you really
love those garnishes.

Down the
hatch-a-roonie it goes.

Yep.

Mmm.

I tasted it, it was
so yummy in the tummy.

Didn't you have
enough to eat, sweetheart?

Um.

Are you all right?

Everybody's okay.
- I'm fine,

I'm perfectly fine.

Did he ever tell
you any of his jokes?

Oh, many many
times in the past.

They're a bit, very confusing.

It took me a lot of time to
process and understand them.

- Two Jews walk into a bar.
- Right.

They buy it!

You know why he cracks me up.

I don't know.

I love your song.

- What?
- I love your song.

What was the name of that song?

Thank you.

We have to clear out
the boathouse for Matt.

Matt's here?

In the boathouse.

Matt, my cousin,
Matt, Matt Cone.

Ladies first.

Thank you.

Just walk on the pebbles.

Okay.

On the pebbles,
on the pebbles.

No, on the pebbles.

Yeah, step down.

It's okay, it's okay.

I got you, I got you.

Oh, sand.

I'm on the sand,
you're on the rocks.

See, we're on our
way to the party.

See, you're not
getting muddy at all.

Ooh, you don't have to
step on that rock but,

yeah, here we are.

We live our
lives, we're busy,

and all this stuff going on.

Yeah, but
that kind of implies

that like you're not present
enough with each other

on a day-to-day basis
enough to know that...

Yo, Matt!

What's up Matt?

Whoa, David, holy...

Dude, I can't
believe you're here.

What's going on?

Yo, it's my girlfriend, Sarah.

Your girlfriend?

- Yeah, my girlfriend.
- Yeah?

Is he paying you?

Shut up, Matt!

Oh, I'm just kidding.

You're just pulling
my chain, Matt.

Yes, I am, Sarah.

I'm sorry, I have a
messed up sense of humor.

It's cool man, it's cool, yo.

Yeah, come on
in, celebrate with us.

Let's make this
a bigger holiday.

Yeah.

Yeah, so you
remember Karen of course.

Hey Karen, how are you?

How are you?

And Julia...

Hi, nice to meet you.

What's up Luke?

What's up David?

- What's up man?
- Good to see you brother.

And this is...

Sarah.

Hi Sarah.

Sit down, you guys, please.

Thank you guys
so much for hosting us.

Thank
you for having us.

So this is David's place
that we are crashing at.

David, this is
amazing, thanks for having us.

Thank you, it's an honor
having you guys here.

- Yeah, it's an amazing honor
- It's our pleasure.

for us to be here with...
- I mean the star

of Malibu Mohawks, a movie star.

No, no, no...

He loves
it, he loves it.

Not talking
about that right now.

Why don't you
tell him our other news.

- Oh my god.
- I popped the question!

Wow, you're getting married?

- Yeah.
- You said yes?

Yeah, I said yes,
I'm wearing the ring.

Of course!

Congratulations, mazel tov!

Thank you.

So are we!

You guys too?

We've been
discussing it lately,

like in theory and
all that, you know?

You don't waste
any time, huh man?

- Are you nervous?
- It's been the best

two weeks of my life.

Yeah, David was especially
really, really nervous...

No I'm not...

Yes, it's about the penis
going inside the vagina.

- Oh?
- No, no, no.

But I definitely did teach him

how to have sexual intercourse,

in a very constructive way,
for the very first time

at my bedroom in my apartment.

Use a condom.

Oh I love condoms,

I live in a condom!

She's
just very sheltered,

she thought you're
talking about condos.

Not only am I very innocent

and really beautiful princess,

but I'm a lyric soprano
singer with perfect pitch.

Okay.

That's wonderful, isn't it?

That's great, okay?

Okay, okay.

She's got a nice voice.

Please stop, please
stop, please stop.

Please stop!

Stop it, zip it!

Please, please, I'm
sorry, just please,

I'm sorry you're right in my ear

and piercing my ears, okay?

Okay, please?

Please?

I mean, Matt
was applauding it.

I know, I know, but
you don't understand.

People are clapping because
they're trying to be polite,

they don't like your music...

I was just...

You're
embarrassing me,

I was just...

in front of some
very important people.

You're even
embarrassing yourself.

Just trust me.

Okay?

So, how about this?

A guy walks into
a sex shop, right?

And he says, I want
an inflatable doll.

What's wrong?

Where's Sarah?

Well, she begged
me to take her home.

Geraldo's driving her back.

What happened?

Nothing.

Okay.

The mailbox is full

and cannot accept any messages

at this time, goodbye.

David, give me some
of the lox please.

David.

David, will you
pass dad the lox,

we've asked you three times.

Thanks, honey.

You okay?

He's a little upset
about that girl.

Oh, your bride?

Are you joking?

Nevermind, it
is a private joke.

Oh, it would have
been a lot, sweetheart,

with all you go through,

to take care of someone
with problems like that.

What was her issue anyway?

She had an LD.

An LD, what's that?

Learning disability.

Oh, I'd say more than that.

Was she brain damaged?

I mean, you'd ask
her a simple question

and she'd talk your head off.

It was a non-verbal
learning disability.

She also ate a dozen radish
roses off my fish platter.

A dozen radishes,
I'm not kidding.

I thought she was sweet.

She was weird.

David, better you
should find someone

who maybe is more advanced
at things than you are.

Like, Melinda, that
girl you used to date?

Angie, whatever
happened to Angie?

The girls from the internet.

Well, we go to
Florida next week.

Maybe that'll cheer him up.

I liked her because
she was weird, Mom.

I'm weird too.

What do you think
about this for Annie,

and this for Zach?

Sammy!

Is Sarah backstage?

I really need to
speak to her, okay?

Backstage is for actors
who want to be in my play,

not for actors who called
it a load of bullshit,

like you called it.

I want to be an actor
in your play, okay?

I'll even go
butt-naked if you want.

I'll even do a gay
sex scene with you,

just let me see Sarah.

After what you did to her,

she decided she wants
nothing to do with you,

so please go away, you asshole.

The other day my dad
said he wanted some wine,

"Dad, do I have to?"

I get very angry
when innocent people

get hurt by bullies.

And it is my job
to protect them!

Try to find, what's
going on in their mind,

when you see somebody
who's in need.

For those of you
who don't know me,

my name is Jared Klimber

and I'm from the south
shore of Long Island.

I would like to take a
moment just because...

What do you do with
the mad that you feel

when you feel so
mad you could bite?

What do you say
when you see a fawn?

Oh dear?

Hi, I'm Sarah.

I really want to take this
time to show the entire world

my musical theater beauty-glow.

You getting on or not?

You getting on or not, man?

Here, keep the change.

Exact change.

$2.75.

One, two...

Sorry, I've never
been on a bus before.

Do you
have $2.75, sir?

One, two, three, um...

Sarah?

I don't know how much...

Nope, just one more quarter.