All language subtitles for Im.Dying.Up.Here.S01E08.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

[Arnie] Previously
on I'm Dying Up Here...

I saw you on Carson.
Your answering service

could barely speak,
and then she hung up on me.

[Teddy] I will give you
half the door, cash.

He's betting on a junkie.

And you're offering--
what was it again?

You ever think that maybe
I'm not that nice a guy?

- [applause]
- [Cassie] Not for a second.

We're not friends.

[Ralph] Uh-oh, you don't think
I get respect?

[Adam] What you think,
you made it?

Think this sorry-ass bar
you made

or any of this
mean shit to me?

[Sonja] We like to think
of ourselves as courtesans,

here to entertain
members of nobility.

Can't believe Barton
didn't say nothing

about this place being
a whorehouse.

- [police siren blaring]
- Don't worry,

I'm gonna take care
of everything.

He did not have anything
to do with this.

If you're released now,
it's like it never happened.

This offer doesn't
extend to him.

I'm good with that.

Can't afford to pay you
right now, Hoss.

No need.
It's already paid.

Who the fuck is
Barton Royce?

♪ jazz music ♪

♪♪

[Edgar] Are you having
a good time, ma'am?

Really?
All right.

Tell your face.

[laughter]

[Sully] Guys, Vietnam's
coming to an end.

That means what?

Comedians
are coming home...

from Canada.

[wild laughter]

[Adam] I used to do
a lot of handyman work,

growing up.

Mostly because my dad
was in the business...

of breaking shit.

[laughter continues]

[Cassie] Well, what are you
doing in here?

That hooker in the trunk
ain't gonna bury herself.

[laughter]

[Edgar] All right,
thank you, folks.

You've been a...

slightly
above average crowd.

[laughter and applause]

[children laughing]

[Adam]
[muffled yelling]

[laughter]

Hey!

Help!

[laughter]

- Oh, here we go, here we go.
- It's okay, baby, Mama's here.

Here we go.

You two can't look out
for your baby brother?

[Parnell]
Ain't no goddamn baby, Verna.

The boy needs
some toughening up.

You the one that's
hurting him.

[Parnell] I ain't got time
for this shit.

You okay, baby?

They said it would be more fun
than a Ferris wheel.

They said?

I ain't always gon' be here,
so you listen up good, you hear?

They two kind of people
out there,

discerners and fools.

Discerner know the difference
between what people say

and what people mean.

Fools...only hear
what they want to hear.

You got to know the difference
out there.

You hear me, Adam?

How I know, Mama?

You watch they eyes.

A mouth smile easy,
but not eyes.

[Al] So my wife's new husband
is younger, better looking,

better job,
bigger dick...

[laughter]

...nicer car.
Why would she leave me?

Just because I made noise
when I chew?

Well, she made noise
when she chewed--

his cock in my bed.

[laughter]

Hey.

[Al] The kids were home.
[laughter]

Hey, keep it tight.

Haul ass offstage
when you see that light.

[Al] I'm back
in the dating world.

- [Al] Nobody knows.
- Man, look.

About the other night,
I'm sorry.

Okay, you were cool
and I wasn't.

It won't happen again.

It's disrespectful
to the next comic

when you running
the light.

Disrespect for who?
Fucking Randy?

Didn't you say he was
as funny as a dick pimple?

Randy open mic'd for three years
before he got down here.

You know,
he didn't leapfrog

'cause he built
some fucking shelves.

That deserves some respect.
You dig?

Yeah.
Whatever, nigga.

You don't ever
get to call me that.

And if you roll your
motherfucking eyes at me again,

your head is gon' be rolling
after it.

You understand that?

[Al] That's my time.
Clap for me, please.

Mind the fucking light.

[cheers and applause]

[laughter]

I know what you're thinking.

I look like Danny Partridge

if his mom kicked him
out of the band.

Wonder if there were
some family members

that didn't pass the audition,
you know?

Like, behind the long bus
there's a little short bus.

Poor kid, Patrick Partridge,
sitting back there wondering,

"Why can't I
shake the tambourine

or hit the triangle
or something?"

I hear you're having dinner
with Roy Brenner.

Yeah.

Somebody was harping
in his ear.

Eh.
[laughs]

Thought I'd use
the guy's pain.

Little inside information
on Brenner.

He doesn't like
hard to get.

So do me a favor and quit acting
like you're doing him a favor.

You want this.
You want it more than anyone,

so woo him.

Here I thought he was
supposed to be kissing my ass.

[chuckles]

Your career's got
about five minutes

before it goes the way
of the Emperor's new clothes.

And right now, everyone is
contorting themselves

to keep you
from fucking yourself up,

but it's all just piss
in the wind

if you can't get
out of your own way.

Any tips?

[chuckles]
Yeah.

Don't talk
with your mouth full.

♪ tense music ♪

[laughter]

It wasn't even a kiss.

I mean, I basically punched her
in the face with my mouth.

Maybe she'll even the score,
punch you in your vagina.

[scoffs]
You're an asshole.

I'm gonna pretend that's
the estrogen talking.

Mm-hmm.

Read this.
Changed my life.

It's all
about positive thinking.

No offense, but your life's
kind of the only thing

that makes me feel positive
about my life.

Mm, that's very funny.

"The Unbelievable Power
of Believing."

$7.95.
Oh.

Do you realize how many unicorns
you could have bought with this?

After I read this book, I got
fired from "Let's Make a Deal."

Well, it sounds like
you read this book

and then something shitty
happened to you.

[laughs] Getting fired
from "Let's Make a Deal"

was a gift
from the universe.

If you believe
that good things

will happen to you,
then they do.

How do you explain
sleeping with Arnie then?

Yeah, what else
does the universe have

in store for you,
besides hepatitis?

Right, okay, fine, if you
don't believe in believing,

then it's your loss.

Hm.

[man] Edgar?
Edgar Martinez?

Yeah.
What took you so long?

Unlike Uncle Hitler
behind me,

I've been holding a shit
for three days.

I've reviewed your case file
and...

...you should turn
state's evidence.

You mean snitch?
No fucking way, man.

I ain't no snitch.

No, you're
a drug trafficker,

and transporting drugs
over state lines

means if found guilty,
you're facing a minimum sentence

of nine years in prison.

All right, the guy you're
looking for is Carlos Mendoza,

goes by Big Chewy
in the street.

His address is
727 North Barclay Avenue,

apartment 3.
He also works

with his cousins,
Santiago and Juan Diego.

They have a pit bull,
but don't worry, it's blind.

Are you writing this down?

♪ jazz music ♪

Hey, you seen Eddie?

'Cause the last guy who
kissed me and ran away

at least had the decency
to come back

and push me in the dirt
after recess.

Did--did something happen
the other night?

Because--that's weird,
I talked to Eddie,

and he didn't mention anything
about--about the other night.

Wow, you're a terrible actor.

[clears throat]
It was that bad?

Yeah, I'm tempted to re-enter
and let you try that again.

[laughs]

What's with the book, man?

Cassie, I'm tired of living
in a closet.

- [scoffs]
- Not getting laid,

not getting paid.
I mean, I've been blind,

and this book has
given me sight,

because if you can believe it,
you can achieve it.

It's all in there.

- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.

That's actually
pretty impressive.

I'm gonna have to borrow this
when you're done.

What chapter are you on?

12.

Page 12, but...those 12 pages

are chock full
of life-changing information.

♪♪

Oh, uh, excuse me,
can I help you?

Yeah, just grabbing
a booth.

[Cassie]
Tell Eddie to call me, okay?

Yep.
Uh, I'm--I'm sorry, sir,

we actually don't have any
booths available at the moment.

Well, what about this one
right here?

Oh, no, I'm sorry.
That--that booth is reserved...

...for President Grant.

President Grant died
100 years ago,

so I don't think
he'll mind.

Okay.
Uh, how about President Jackson?

Also dead, but we'll move
if he shows up.

Come on, honey,
have a seat.

Sir, uh,

you know that I'm--I'm talking
about money, right?

Amazingly, yes.

Did I start too high?
I was gonna start with Lincoln,

but then I was like,
"Seriously,

who wants to sit in a booth
reserved for Lincoln?"

Yeah, another time.

♪ jazz music ♪

♪♪

[whistling]

[Goldie] Mm.

Not sure who it's from,
but whoever it is,

they're puckered up.
[laughs]

Oh, hey, Arnie, this show is
chewing up my schedule.

I'm gonna need you to step up
around here--

set the lineup, not just
for the Cellar and Open Mic,

Main Stage too.

Main Stage?

Oh, I'm honored.

And please know that whatever
additional responsibilities

you might find necessary
on my part

to keep your empire running...
are welcome.

Just give the word.

Easy, Mussolini,
just keep the trains running.

- [Cassie] Hi.
- [knocks on the door]

[Goldie] Hey, honey.

Can I talk to you alone?

Yeah,
Arnie was just leaving.

Oh, yeah, right.
I'll go and, uh,

I just gotta set the lineup
for the Main Stage.

[scoffs]

[clears throat]

I know it's probably not
my place to say anything,

um, but have you
read the sketches?

Mm-hmm.

I mean, 'cause I'm worried
that the Little Bo Peep one

might be...

...kinda...lame.

It's not lame.

It's fucking horrible,
goddamn offensive.

Ohh. I thought
I just didn't get it.

[laughs] Ho, ho,
the writers don't get it.

I mean, it's two guys
never been laid

writing their idea
of what a woman might say.

If you told them your twat was
horizontal, they wouldn't argue.

Okay, because I was thinking,
maybe we could change it

to "The Little Bo Peep Show,"
and men show up

thinking it's gonna be
this sexy peep show,

but instead, the girl
behind the glass is wearing

this ridiculous dress,
not showing any skin,

because she wants to be taken
seriously as an actress,

doing her one-woman show
about her wayward sheep.

[laughs]

Why don't you take a swing
at rewriting it?

Really?

I can do that?

Why not?

I'm Executive Producer.

Yes, you are.

[funk music playing]

Mmm.
Oh, yeah!

So I said to him, I said, uh,
"So what's your angle?"

Talking 'bout,
"Why I gotta have an angle?"

[laughter]

I said,
"Because

you one angling motherfucker,
that's why."

[laughter]

♪♪

♪ Ah! ♪

♪♪

Anybody order a white guy?

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

If I buy a girl a drink,
it means I want to fuck her.

You paid for my entire haul
of liquor, plus money owed.

Cards on the table, Barton,
I'm not that good a fuck.

Not according to your
current business model.

What do you want?

I want what you need,
a business partner.

Hm.

I saw this, uh,
nature documentary.

It's about buzzards.

They can smell their next meal
from a mile a way.

- Hm.
- A mile.

But from "Niggerville"
all the way

up to Sunset Boulevard?
[laughs]

Now, that is impressive.

♪ tense music ♪

I'm sorry, may I?

♪♪

Now that we're
on a first name basis,

I'm gonna talk frank.

You're gonna go bankrupt,

just like you did
in New York in '70,

just like you did in Atlanta
in '62, and you know why?

Oh, joy, you're gonna share your
secret of success.

'Cause you don't know
what you're selling.

Fuck I don't.

I sell a night out,
a good time.

Hope.

♪♪

You are selling hope
with a two drink minimum.

And you deal in hope?

These kids today,
they want fame.

They want headlines.

They want all the shit
that you can't give 'em.

See, they can know
that it can never happen,

but they got to think
that it still could.

You're talking Carson.

Don't think I ain't
fucking tried.

His guy, Mitch Bombadier,

got his head
so far up Goldie's ass,

it's fucking impossible.

I have a working relationship
with Mitch.

We'll work something out.

Through Pryor?

♪♪

Well, if you could get Pryor
to play my club...

...that'd be
a hell of a shot in the arm.

That ain't even gonna happen.
He's all Goldie's.

What I am proposing...

...is that we build
our own Pryor.

Right, so this book says
that you can have anything,

as long as you believe?

Mm-hmm.

And you chose pizza?
Not Carson.

Well, Carson takes time.

I mean, I mean,
it's like on "Bewitched."

You know, Tabitha didn't
just pop out of the womb

and levitate her crib.
She started with her doll,

and then worked her way
up to heavier shit.

I know what you should
manifest next--

the powers to not say
dumb shit.

No.
Next I'm manifesting vaginas.

Already got
a big box of Trojans.

Well, as long as you didn't
buy a box of big Trojans.

You should give it a read, man.
You need to believe in yourself.

And talk to Cassie--you still
haven't even called her.

Whoa, whoa, what?
Stop that train.

You like Cassie?
Okay.

Okay, I can see it.
Now that Bill's

out of the picture, I feel like
you should go for it.

[laughs]
He's not gonna do that.

Excuse me, how do you know
what I'm gonna do?

I don't--I just know
what you're not gonna do,

which is talk to her,
or be a man.

[laughs]
What, you scared?

Yeah, I'm scared.
No, none of you know

what the fuck you're
talking about, okay?

Okay.
Okay.

How 'bout we
settle this like men?

Cock or Balls?

[Adam]
Whoa.

[clears throat]
Wait.

What is Cock or Balls?

It's like Rock paper scissors,

except you stand back-to-back,
unzip your fly,

pull out a little bit of skin,
and the other guy has to guess

whether he's looking
at your cock or your balls.

Best two-out-of-three wins.

Somebody wins?

[Eddie] [groans]
I'll go first.

[clears throat]

If I win, you gotta
face Cassie.

Okay, and if I win,

you shut the fuck up
about that book.

Deal.

Wait, y'all actually
about to play this shit?

No peeking.

No need.

I can draw a courtroom sketch
of his dick.

All right, ready?

Yeah, did you find it?

Three, two, one.

- Balls.
- Fuck!

Every time.

[Ron's zipper opens]

- You all right back there?
- Yep.

Whew!
Okay.

♪ funky rock music ♪

What do you think of that?

Yeah, drink it in.

Why are you
so fucking close?

Balls.

- Cock.
- [Adam] Wow.

Bullshit!
There's a pube right there.

I did that to trick you.

That's 100 percent beef
you're staring at.

Wait, why not just play
rock paper scissors?

What are we,
fucking ten?

[laughs]

[van door opens and closes]

♪ light guitar music ♪

♪♪

Max?

Where are you, Maxie?

Maxie boy?

You happy to have me home?

♪♪

Max, honey?

Where are you, Maxie?

Marty, I gotta be honest.

The sketches, they're
not exactly Shakespeare.

Well, your girls aren't exactly
thespians, but I hear ya.

Don't worry, it's a first draft.
Next will be better.

Great, we're all
on the same page then.

Uh, the thing is, my problem
isn't just the writing,

it's the content.

It's frat humor.

I mean, it should be
about women.

That's the point, right,
to showcase women?

Marty said it was
just a first draft.

It's all part of the process.
Just relax, all right?

Goldie, please,
don't get so emotional.

Now, Eli, in the second sketch--

- Could you repeat that?
- What?

Could you repeat that
without the condescension?

Just say it to me like
you're talking to another guy

and not
your six-year-old daughter?

What are you looking at him for?
I'm talking to you.

[laughs]

That what makes
Goldie Goldie.

You know,
she's a straight shooter.

[chuckles]
You got your spin.

Anyway, don't worry about it.
I took care of it.

Got one of my girls
to rewrite it.

You did what?

I'm a producer,
so I'm producing.

No.
No, you don't hire writers.

No, not without consulting me.

Look, Marty, if I had a prick,
I might stand around

holding it all day,
but I don't,

so I have time
to actually get shit done.

She'll have your pages
by the weekend.

Come on.

You know, for a woman who
usually sees the big picture,

that was
extremely shortsighted.

I refuse to put out
a mediocre product

with my name on it.

I've worked
long and hard

to make that name
mean something.

Oh, come on,
no one is disputing that.

The problem isn't your message,
it's the way you deliver it.

You kill more flies
with honey.

What's wrong
with a flyswatter?

You have to respect
the network.

You can't treat 'em
like a necessary evil.

You ask me, they aren't
all that necessary.

Jesus, Gold.

You're not gonna break
if you bend.

Why can't you compromise
on something? Anything?

Because then I'd be you.

A real Hollywood agent.

I want to look
like that French girl

in "Last Tango in Paris."
Oh.

Where are my heels?

She had that hat,
remember?

It's black with the flower?

Clothes are not what I remember
about that movie.

What?

You're nervous.

[scoffs]

[laughs]
It's cute.

You're cute.

Just cleaning my boots.

[sighs]

[brush swiping]

Do you love me, Nick?

[laughs softly]

I wouldn't want to be
on this ride with anyone else.

[chuckles]

♪ solemn music ♪

[sighs softly]

Do you remember
what I said

the first time I saw you
do stand-up?

"The fries here
are so good."

- [both laughing]
- No.

♪♪

I said you were
going places.

Yeah.

And then you asked me
if I wanted to come with you.

♪♪

I want to come with you.

♪♪

I can't wait until our trip
to Merced this weekend.

My mom never believed in you,
but I told her.

I told everybody.

♪♪

Okay.

- Hi. Huh?
- Oh!

More meat.

Yeah.

- Such the provider.
- Oh! Can I?

- Say, "Hi, Dad."
- Yeah, I think this is

how the cavemen felt
when they purchased

their woolly mammoth steaks
and baby formula.

Maybe we should've gotten
the bigger fridge.

Most of this is
for the christening, but still.

Ooh!

Look at that.
That's a full freezer.

What? Yeah, I've never
heard of it either.

[laughs]

Watch out.

[chuckles playfully]

[gasps]
Wow--oh, wow.

♪♪

I'll put him down
and be right back.

Okay.

- Say, "Night night, Daddy."
- Night night.

[sighs]

♪♪

[baby babbling on speaker]

[laughs]

[Betty on speaker]
Look at you, so sweet.

[baby babbling on speaker]

[Betty muttering on speaker]

When Cassie shows up, remember,
all you have to do is believe.

And don't limit yourself
to what you can see.

You know?
I mean, we can't see the air.

- Hmm.
- Does that make the air

less fucking real?
No.

- What page?
- 16.

Jesus Christ,
you're a slow reader.

Yeah.

Oh, here we go.

[Cassie] Oh, hey,
"kiss and run."

P.S., uh, I lied,
those were my balls.

You're welcome.

Hello.

- [groans]
- [chuckles]

Uh, look...

...um, fuck it.

I'm not gonna apologize
for kissing you.

I did what I did, and...
that's that.

So.

[inhales]
Yep.

- [sighs]
- [chuckles]

Ahh, well, that's
way too long of a pause.

I've overplayed my hand,
haven't I?

Look, despite almost losing
a tooth on impact,

the kiss was nice.

You running away
was fucking weird.

Yeah, I think I used up, uh,
all my adrenaline on the kiss,

and I...had to hide
in the men's room

until closing
to recharge.

[both laughing]

- [sighs]
- Mm.

- Ahh.
- [sighs]

Look...
I think you're so great.

Ah.

But I just broke up
with Bill...

- Right. [clears throat]
- ...and I got all this

"Girls Are Funny, Too" stuff
happening...

- Right.
- ...and Goldie's actually

letting me do a rewrite
of one of the sketches.

Oh, wow.
Congratulations.

Thank you, so it's just--
man, it's just--

it's really bad timing
for me right now.

Timing, right.

So...
is there any chance...

...we could just be friends?

Of course.
[laughs]

Yeah, yeah.

- Okay, good.
- Yeah, friends.

- I'll see you later, friend.
- All right.

Oof.

Hey.

Missed your time, Sull.

By ten minutes,
just put me up next.

- Sorry.
- Who's here?

Booked until 1:45.
I'll put you up after Cassie.

Arnie, listen, man,
I had a sales call

in Bakersfield
and it went long, okay?

I--and I have to go get
the groceries, you understand?

I have to sit down and have
dinner with my wife and kid.

I've gotta plan out
this goddamn christening!

What am I, Dear Abby now?

1:45.

You can be a fucking dickhead,
you know that, Arnie?

Heavy is the head
that wears the crown.

Nick.

- [Nick] Hey.
- Hey, hey, hey.

- How are ya?
- Good.

- How are you?
- Yeah, good--good to see you.

Good.
This must be Tawny.

- [chuckles] Hi.
- Yes.

My wife, Olivia.

Hi.
So nice to meet you.

Last time I was invited
to a house this nice,

it had a grotto, so.

[laughter]

Holy guacamole,
I-I love marble.

- Yeah.
- [Tawny] Yeah.

[laughs]
Oh, my God, so cute!

Can we have them for dinner?
'Cause I could just eat them up.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
[laughs]

She skipped lunch, so.

Why don't we get you two
a drink?

- Great.
- Yeah.

Tawny, come, please.

Good night, girls.
[kisses] Bye.

I'll see you later, okay?

[Arnie] You know,
I'm thinking of trying out

for the Washington Generals.

You know,
the basketball team

that's always losing
to the Harlem Globetrotters?

Hey, why can't white people win
once in a while, right?

I know what you're thinking,
"Arnie, you're too small.

Arnie, you're pathetic
at basketball.

Arnie, you're too white."

No, those are
the requirements

to play
for the Washington Generals.

[laughter]

Now, you know that should be
you up there, right?

[sighs] Goldie says
all the greats take the stairs,

not the fucking elevator.

Or they go up the street
and get themselves paid.

Hey, you know
Teddy's paying.

Ten bucks a set.

Get more if it's
Adam Proteau.

Ain't Teddy's going under?

Man got a sudden influx
of cash.

You been packing Goldie's cellar
really tight,

and I can only imagine
what it would be like

if you were at Teddy's.

Name on the marquee,

headlining
whenever you want,

real money.

♪ dramatic music ♪

Yeah, and who's watching?

All the kingmakers,
same as here.

♪♪

Look, man, I don't know
what your game is,

but Goldie's got a plan,
so I'm cool.

Oh, right, right, right.
Stairs.

[laughs]

Look, son, in this business,
you wait too long,

you wait tables.

[Arnie continues set]

[Arnie] Brain cancer.

[laughs]

This is my favorite.

Oh, I've never seen a ring
like this before.

It's so twinkly.

It's a rose-cut diamond,
from India.

[lounge music playing]

I can't stop looking at it.

Nicky, see this ring?
Hint, hint.

No one does subtlety
like you, babe.

[laughs]

Olivia's dad was
a jeweler in Romania,

and now she makes
her own stuff.

Come on, come see
my wine cellar.

I have some bottles here
that Bob Hope gave me.

Whew.

♪♪

- Oh.
- [clears throat]

Uh...
[laughs]

It's okay with you,
I'd prefer you fuck me

the old fashioned way,
10 percent at a time, huh?

You come to my house
with your junkie girlfriend.

I have two kids here.

What are you talking about?

That, I...
[chuckles]

She's got the flu.

- Mm.
- Yeah, she's got the flu

and she didn't want to come,
but I begged her.

Uh-huh.

And she took
this cold medicine,

and it's knocking her out,

but it--it's sweet,
actually.

Now can we--or do I gotta
keep pretending to enjoy

this giant nut-covered ball
of cream cheese

Olivia calls an appetizer?

You want me
to represent you?

This is what's gonna happen.

You're gonna
make an excuse up

as to why you can't be
at dinner tonight.

You're gonna dump the broad,
clean up your act,

and never, ever come back
to my house fucked up again.

You kicking your habit
on your own?

That's a slim chance
of happening.

You two doing it together,
zero.

That's my offer.

Okay.

[sets drink down]

Yeah, I just thought
of a perfect excuse.

Okay.

Um, Olivia, we can't
make dinner tonight

because...

...your husband's a cunt.

Oh, Nick.

How's that?

You don't know her.

- You don't fucking know me.
- Mm-hmm.

I could throw a rock
out your front door

and hit nine of you.

You're not special.

You are a by-product
of those of us who are!

[comic talking indistinctly
onstage]

[Bill and Sully laughing
and chatting]

Yeah, I know you will,
you always do.

Oh!

Edgar.
Heard you got deported.

Yeah, did Mexico stick
its finger down its throat

and send you back?

That's very funny.
It's a shame

Mitch isn't around to hear
how witty you two are.

Man, I know
you're still pissed.

I should've told you that--

Told me what, Edgar?

That you're a selfish asshole
with no regard for anyone

or anything
but your sorry-ass self?

No.
You shouldn't have told me.

I should've already
fucking known.

Hey, man.

We don't all feel that way,
Edgar.

As a matter of fact,
I got you new headshots--

a little welcome home present.

[crowd laughing in the theater]

What do you think?

- [laughing] Oh, man.
- Fuck you!

Come on, man, we're just
fucking with you.

Man!
Prison has changed you.

Yeah.

Baby.

Eat.

They seemed so nice.

Yeah, get used to it.

We're gonna be fine
without him.

Even you said
they were pretty big.

Yeah, I say
all kinds of things.

Why do some people
get so much?

My sister's got
a convertible.

She's only had her license
three months.

[laughs] I could never
drive one anyway.

Why not?

Have you ever been in one
at night?

All the stars twinkling
right above you, it...

...makes you just want
to reach out and grab one.

[laughs]

Who could possibly keep
their eyes on the road

with all those stars,
right?

[laughs softly]

Yeah.

♪ solemn guitar music ♪

♪♪

[Tawny] She made really
pretty jewelry, don't you think?

♪♪

Hey, you know if you fart
in that, it turns red, right?

- Have a seat.
- No thank you.

I want to be able to get
out of here as fast as possible.

[clears throat] Ernie Falk
wants you to give him a call.

Who the fuck's Ernie Falk?

Uh, he's the big-time
TV producer

you tried to hustle
the other night.

You mean hustle
like you told me to?

Hustle, as in you take
a 20 percent cut?

You know, I grew up
in Cold Lake, Alberta?

My father used to walk
across Cold Lake to work

every morning
when it was frozen,

which was most mornings.

Then one day,
when I was 17,

he fell through the ice
and drowned.

What the fuck
does that even mean?

Wasn't his day.

You walk across that lake
every day, and then one day--

No, no, I-I get it,
sort of,

it's--it's just
a fucking terrible analogy.

It's a fucking brilliant
analogy.

You're comparing
your father drowning

to me having to make
an unpleasant phone call?

We're all walking on thin ice,
idiot!

Oh, my God,
seriously?

Uh, speak to someone.

- [scoffs]
- Okay? Like, a professional,

'cause you're
really fucked up.

Get out.

Jesus.
Not you, Arnie.

- He sat at your desk.
- She said to leave!

So, what did I miss?

Besides the world's
saddest pissing contest.

[scoffs]
Same shit.

Comics complaining
about time slots and whatnot.

There is talk.

King Theodore's.

Teddy's put the word out.

He's giving comics
ten bucks a set.

Apparently,
he's got an investor.

Barton Royce.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

[all murmuring]

Carson.
Carson.

Sitcom.

Development deal.

Carson.
Carson.

Carson!

Film career.

Carson, Carson, Carson, Carson!

Carson and fuckin' Carson.

So, if any of you want
to go over to Teddy's

and help rearrange deck chairs
for ten dollars and a sandwich,

you know where
the fucking door is.

Money is your fucking enemy.

The desire for money,
I get it.

Who doesn't want
something tangible

for all their hard work, huh?

But you don't get paid

until the job is done, period.

That desire,
that hunger,

that's what keeps
you fuckers awake!

And raw enough
to still feel the pain

that delivered you
to my doorstep

in the first place!

When I was a little kid,
we raised chickens, hmm?

And chicks break
out of their shells.

That's what gives them
their strength.

If someone helps them,
they die.

You may think
you're doing them a favor,

but that struggle,

that is how they survive.

Now, that's
a fucking analogy.

Fuck off.

Y'all know where
I stand now.

You decide where
you fucking stand.

Goldie.

You got a second?

Oh, I am through begging you
to give a shit.

[lighter clicks]

[footsteps leaving]

[dance music playing]

Hey, any chance you can help me
with that rewrite tonight?

Oh, shit.
Um...

I can't, I...gotta
fucking work at the deli.

You're a tough guy
to nail down.

What's good for you?
It's just one sketch.

Um...

[hums]

I don't know, let me--
I'll just--

I'll--I'll look at my schedule
and I'll get back to you.

You're not gonna help me,
are you?

Of course I'm gonna
help you.

Well, what am I,
not gonna help you?

I just--like I said,
I can't, I gotta--

I can't, I got the thing.
I-I got a shift.

Uh-huh, and what would
happen to the shift

if I said I wanted
to fuck you tonight?

[chuckles]

Well, I mean...

♪♪

Could probably
get it covered.

♪♪

Hi.

- [clears throat]
- What are we doing?

Diffusing the sexual tension
that's ruining our friendship.

Okay, so, you want this?

Well, if this is what it takes
for us to become friends again,

then yes, but this is
a one-time offer only, okay?

This is for you to get it
out of your system.

Well, what if I need
more than one time?

One time.

[music continues, muffled]

Okay.

No eye contact?

Well, it's a tight space.

Um, just the fumes
are making me gag,

so let's, like,
move this along, okay?

A little impersonal.

Well, I'm gonna throw you
a look over my shoulder

every now and then
like this.

Oh, thanks.
That's more of a "I stole

your parking space" look
than it is of, uh, arousal.

[sighs]
Well, I'll keep that in mind,

try to make it better.

[chuckles]

This floor is disgusting.

[clears throat]

- [groans]
- Are you gonna...

Yeah, sorry, I just,
you know,

gotta ramp myself up
a little bit.

[sighs]

[panting]

What's going on
back there?

Uh, I'm--I'm trying to get
my penis erect.

[scoffs]

You really know how
to sweet-talk a girl.

- Yeah, well--
- I'm surprised we didn't

do this earlier.

- [sighs]
- [scoffs]

[groans]

Do you want me to do
the look?

[sighs]

I'm gonna do the look.

Don't do the look.

All right, you know, this is--
I can't--I don't want this.

[scoffs]
What? What?

I can get sex, Cassie, thank you
very much, I can get sex.

I had hoped
for a little bit more with you.

Well, this is all the more
I have, I'm sorry,

sex in a supply closet,
so take it or leave it.

You know, this--this is
worse than a pity fuck.

A pity fuck would be like
if I came back home from Vietnam

with...one arm, then this
would be nice of you,

but a "let's get this
out of the way" fuck?

And that's--somehow
you think that's

gonna lead back
to a friendship?

I don't do those.

[music continues]

♪ solemn jazz music ♪

♪♪

Oh, shit.

Tawny.

Tawny.

Fuck.

[groans]

♪♪

[groans]

♪♪

[sighs]

Tawny.

♪♪

[sighs]
Okay.

♪♪

[Barton laughs]

Man, Richard's always
running late.

I've yet to meet a star
who wasn't.

Mitch,
while I've got your ear,

you know King Theodore's.

I know where it's located.

You should drop by
sometime.

Tell that to the comics.

You know I'm investing,

building the place up.

It would mean a lot if you would
grace our little club.

Look, Barton, I got
things to do and places to be.

Maybe Richard can reschedule
with my secretary.

Of course.

Busy man,
places to go.

Thanks for understanding.

[laughs]
I just thought,

since we've already
done business together,

a little visit from you
to give the club credibility

with the other comics wouldn't
be out of the question.

[chuckles]
Business?

What business?

Little place of mine
on Laurel Canyon.

You're a member,
in good standing.

Those your kids?

♪ solemn guitar music ♪

♪♪

♪♪

Yes, sir, yeah,
I-I'll be there.

Thank you.
Thanks, thank you.

Well, what did Ernie say?

He get you fired,
or what?

No, he thought
I was funny,

and he likes my look,

and wants me to come in

and audition for a guest role
on one of his sitcoms next week.

- [laughing] Hey!
- [squeals]

- It's the fucking book!
- All right!

- It's the book!
- Holy crap!

- [laughs]
- That's great, pal, congrats.

You really...

...well, what's the opposite
of deserved or earned?

[laughter]

Ronnie, you asked and
the universe provided.

Yeah, I-I can't believe
how much time I wasted

looking for jobs when I could've
just been manifesting.

[sucks in air]
[groans]

Jesus, it's like my father's
drowning all over again.

Okay, dude, seriously,
call a fucking hotline.

Did you see
where I put my boots?

Right here.

Oh.
[chuckles]

I'm such a jelly head.

[chuckles]

You sure
you can't come tonight?

[kisses]

I'll blow you
on the bus.

[sighs]

It's tempting.

I gotta sort out
all this agent shit here

before the buzz dies down.

But you'll be there, right?

Tuesday night?

Of course.

Take the 11:40 bus, okay?

Anything later on a weekday
will get you in too late.

Especially with traffic.

♪ lively rock music ♪

Ralph, are you
supporting his head?

- I-I got him.
- Act like you love him.

Pretend he's
a Christmas ham.

Okay, here it is.
[chuckles]

♪♪

[unintelligible chatter]

♪♪

What have I missed?

- Ooh.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho!

- Baby.
- [laughs]

[Cassie] Well, look at you.
You're looking good.

What do you got, like,
a court appearance later?

[Edgar]
Oh, that's hilarious, Cass.

Hey, what's the statute
of limitations on lame?

[Cassie] Oh, they fucked
the funny out of you in prison?

[Edgar] [mock laughs]
Like I said.

- [laughs]
- All right, come on, follow me.

I guess we're
following Edgar now.

[laughs]

I've never followed Edgar
anywhere, and I--

- All right, listen up.
- [chuckles]

I've decided to make
some positive life changes,

and I am giving up drugs,
selling and using.

Fucking have at it.

- [Ron] Holy shit!
- [Cassie] Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God, Edgar.
- Take whatever you want.

Edgar, there are
children here.

What do you have
in a nice house hallucinogen?

I'm glad you asked--I have
some acid, mescaline, and oh,

my favorite organic hallucinogen
of choice, mushrooms.

Oh, hell yes.

- See you later.
- Yup.

[sighs]

[knocks]

Yeah?

Hey, uh, I need
to know something.

What--what is your plan
for me here?

We're working the plan.

You're in the Cellar,
honing your craft.

No, my craft's
already honed.

I'm killing it every night
in the Cellar.

All right?
I need the Main Stage.

Jesus.
You kids and the Main Stage

are like lemmings
heading off a cliff.

Well, how about
a straight answer?

No chickens,
no lemmings, no...

...no struggle,
just a straight fucking answer.

You hear Barton coming
out of your mouth?

You think 'cause some guy
offers you

the moon and the stars,
he can actually deliver?

Barton's offering cash...

- [scoffs]
- ...and stage time

- and a marquee.
- Oh, Jesus.

You're the only one offering
the moon and the stars.

I just want to see
something, Goldie.

'Cause I heard enough.

♪ I came along and did... ♪

[Bill] Probably gonna eat it
again, too.

Haven't eaten in, like,
two days.

Hey, Ralph.
You--you mind if I sit down?

[Ralph]
Go ahead.

♪ But now you tell me
I ain't good enough ♪

So, I was thinking
about what you said, and, um,

I am a Jack.
I-I let you down,

and I get it now.

♪ You either beat me up ♪

Edgar...

...we been friends
a long time.

Everybody make mistakes.

I see the righteous man
in you.

He's way in the back,
cowering in the corner.

He's inside there,

but he can't hide
from me.

Can't hide from me.

♪ Oh mama ♪

Mmm.
I love you, buddy.

[whispering]
I love you.

Damn.

♪♪

He loves you?

I crushed up some MDMA
and I put it in his drink.

The fucking guy threw somebody
from a helicopter.

♪♪

Seems to be having fun.

[Ron] I think the universe
is holding me up right now.

[pop music playing]

♪♪

[clears throat]

Hey.

Ahem.
Um...

...so I've reconsidered,
and, uh,

if your offer's still good,

there's an old refrigerator
out back that the raccoons said

we could use
when they were done fucking.

I'm so sorry.
That was...

...probably the stupidest thing
I've ever done.

No, I-I think my passing was
the stupidest, actually.

[laughs]
Anyhow, um,

you were a friend to me
when I needed one.

I can be a friend to you.

Really?

Yes, absolutely.

Beer?

[Cassie] Yeah, that'd be great.

- Yeah.
- [Cassie] Okay.

♪ I'm getting
kind of tired now ♪

♪ And I'd like to settle down ♪

I forgot to tell you, um,

my mom's making these
little apple meatloafs

for your visit.

Everybody gets their own and
they've got brown sugar on top.

♪ Those emotions
more advanced ♪

She was so wrong about you.
I saw it.

I saw it
right from the start.

♪♪

♪ And I'm getting
kind of tired now ♪

♪ 'Cause I've carried
quite a load ♪

♪ And don't know
which way I'm going ♪

♪ I'm just going where I go ♪

Better get on that bus.

♪ Little dewdrops
fall to drink ♪

♪ Silver minutes
time to think ♪

♪ I'm ready to go now ♪

Take care, okay?
[clears throat]

♪ I'm getting
kind of tired now ♪

♪ And I'd like to settle ♪

♪♪

♪ And I've played the games
already ♪

It was just a ring, Nicky.

♪ And the fun is wearing out ♪

♪ As I sit here with the rest ♪

♪ Go through motions
or at best ♪

♪ I'm ready to go now ♪

♪♪

Is one of those for me?

Um...
[chuckles]

No, for a friend,

but I-I can go back
and I can get you one.

I'm kidding.

[both laughing]

I-I don't know anyone here,

so that was just
my lame attempt at flirting.

Well, uh, I...
you could walk with me

while I think of my lame attempt
at a response.

Okay.
[laughs]

- Sorry, sorry.
- Sorry.

Here we are.

[both laughing]

Oh, here you go.

Um...
oh, Cassie, this is, um--

- Sorry, what was--
- Oh, Sabrina.

- Sabrina.
- And you're...?

Eddie.

My brother's name's Eddie.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Good name.
- That is incredible.

- Mm.
- So, is that short for...

Eduardo, or--

- Yes, yes, Eduardo.
- Oh, Eduardo.

My father was an explorer.

Blacks have the fist in the air,
black power.

Jews, we're more of a shrug.

How about a hunger strike?
Eh.

A hunger strike?

Our whole existence
is based on eat, eat.

Which rules out sit-ins.

You want me to go
to a restaurant,

sit at the counter,
and not order anything?

Not even a roll?

How is this helping anyone?

Plus we lose half our people
at sundown on Friday night.

And that's really when riots
are taking off, at sundown.

We're not an athletic people.

To sprint while carrying
a television,

that is a tall order.

There he is.

Please,
give Goldie my best.

'Cause that's what
I intend to do.

[Gabe]
What would my mother say?

♪ Janis Joplin's
"Piece Of My Heart" ♪

♪ Oh, come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

[Maggie] Have you ever danced
naked in the rain?

I really wish it would rain
in L.A.,

but that's what I miss the most
about home,

it doesn't do it.

I can see your nipples
through your shirt

and I'm fully erect.

♪ Yeah, and didn't I give you
nearly everything ♪

Okay, now you say
something nice about me.

♪ Honey, you know I did ♪

♪ And each time I tell myself
that I... ♪

Oh!
I am manifesting

the ever-loving fuck
out of you right now.

Yes! Yes, do that.
Keep manifesting.

- Damn!
- Keep--

I'm believing!
I'm believing!

Why can't I fucking come?

Do truck drivers not come?

I don't know
any truck drivers.

[both panting]

Oh, your hair is
so soft and shiny.

My neighbor had
an angora goat growing up.

Your hair's like that,

except without the sour goat
smell.

Edgar said that this was
truck driver speed

so that they could
drive all night,

so you're gonna have to drive me
all night long, baby.

Okay.

- Keep going!
- I got--

- [grunts]
- Keep going!

[baby squealing]

[Maggie chuckling]

[babbling]

We're in the baby's room.

Shh.
Did you hear that?

[baby babbling]

I think we're
in a baby's room.

I can't come
with a baby in here.

- [babbling]
- [Ron] Bad baby.

- It's gonna crawl out.
- Shh.

- [Ron] Go back to sleep.
- [Maggie] Get back inside.

[laughter]

I gave her speed.

You know what's funny?

Now there's two baby dicks
in there.

[laughter]

Honey,
did you get buns?

You didn't ask for buns.
You asked for hamburger.

Sully!
Are people supposed to eat

hamburger patties
with their bare hands?

400 bucks,
you'd think it would come

with some
fucking food in it.

Nothing wrong with the old one.
The old one was fine.

The old one didn't work.
It froze all my breast milk.

For a refrigerator,
that's the very definition

- of working, Betts.
- What is with you?

You don't stop.

"Get a job, get a raise,
get more hamburger.

Get home for dinner."

So what,
you don't want this?

Okay, always twisting my words.

[Maggie] [over intercom]
You have to fuck me harder!

- Oh!
- [laughter]

- [Ron] Okay, can we stop?
- [baby babbles]

[Ron] I think I'm getting
a boo-boo on my privates.

- Whoa.
- This was a really nice party.

I-I need my jacket.

I never came,
if that helps.

So when it's 2:00 a.m.,
and your son won't stop crying

because he wants his daddy,
it's because you'll be out

having pancakes
with these people?

No, because I don't go
to Canter's anymore.

I barely get any stage time,
because I have to get up

in the morning and go
to my soul-sucking sales job

so I can pay for things
like that baby monitor,

or a fridge the size
of the Grand Canyon,

or God forbid,
a fucking house!

I am so sick
of you blaming me

for your lack of success.

Lack of success?

You are a real bitch, Betts,
you know that?

And you're a salesman.

[sniffs]

[door closes]

No, actually,
that's disgusting.

[both laughing]

Uh, one sec, let me--
I'll just be right back.

Okay.

Hey, you getting out of here?

Yeah, Goldie wants that sketch,
so I should probably...

Well, if you still want,
I could come by later

and, you know,
go over it.

No, please, go,
before she puts on underwear.

Yeah, you're right.

She's so inappropriately
dressed.

I think I could
stand on her tits

and see my house
from here.

[laughs]

You--you sure?

Yeah, have fun.
Just don't take her

to the supply closet,
because that's our place.

I wouldn't think of it.

I'll see you later.

♪ solemn jazz music ♪

Hi.

You told your friend?

- [Eddie] Yeah, um...
- [Sabrina] I like her dress.

[Eddie]
Yeah, she likes your dress too.

That's it?
You're leaving?

Fine, go!

Go, you fucking coward!

Fuck you!
Fuck you!

♪♪

[clicking tongue]

[distant dog barking]

[whistles]

[clicking tongue]

♪♪

Max?

♪♪

Max?

♪♪

[sobs]
Max?

♪♪

♪♪

Don't forget towels.

Yeah.

Hey,
can I ask you something?

Is Barton a good man?

I'm the wrong person to ask

about the contents
of men's souls.

No, I mean,
is he a man of his word?

Yes.

Why you hesitate?

'Cause a man of his word
isn't always a good thing.

♪♪

[Sonja] Why are you asking?

I don't know, I guess
I'm just trying to figure out

what's real and shit.

[Sonja]
Life is a constant vacillation

between buyer's remorse
and seller's remorse.

I find it best to pick
your poison and live with it.

♪♪

I heard you were at Teddy's
last night.

I'm not booking anyone
from there.

[Goldie] So why fucking go?

Because I have
a wife and kids.

You stupid fuck.

♪ Alan Price's "O Lucky Man!" ♪

♪♪

♪ If you have a friend on whom
you think you can rely ♪

♪ You are a lucky man ♪

♪ If you've found the reason
to live on and not to die ♪

♪ You are a lucky man ♪

♪ Preachers and poets
and scholars don't know it ♪

♪ Temples and statues
and steeples won't show it ♪

♪ If you've got the secret
just try not to blow it ♪

♪ Stay a lucky man ♪

♪ A lucky man ♪

♪♪

♪ If you've found the meaning ♪

♪ Of the truth
in this old world ♪

♪ You are a lucky man ♪

♪ If knowledge hangs
around your neck ♪

♪ Like pearls
instead of chains ♪

♪ You are a lucky man ♪

♪♪

♪ Takers and fakers and talkers
won't tell ya ♪