All language subtitles for Daytime Divas - 01x09 - Whose Show is it Anyway.VH1.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-VLAD.English.C.upd

Previously on Daytime Divas...

- We won.
- Yay!

Morning Talk offered
me a 20 percent bump.

We'll match it.

We never wanted Mo.

I think you got played, Maxine.

Hopefully, you will watch my new show.

Do you need a wife?

I'll have the network give you a ring.

- There it is, yeah!
- When they flash, you flash.

When Oprah launched her network

we had to hide out
at the Sag Harbor house.

Wait that was five years ago.

Thought you said you'd only
been together for one.

My mom is lying to me about
something important.

I wish I could make it better.

You stalked your colleague
and his wife on air...

Shut up, he said he loved me!

That's Maxine Robinson
killing her husband.

What were you and Vance talking about?

I was talking to him about Tandy.

If you touch my sister, I'll kill you.

It's so good to be back.

With my baby.

So, so, so good.

I didn't, I didn't know
it could feel this good.

Cheers, baby.

Why don't you use that tongue for
something other than talking?

I love daytime.

synced and corrected by susinz
*www.addic7ed.com*

Uh! Does everyone have to
go through that?

Frequent exposure
to radiation causes cancer.

- Everyone but you mom.
- Well, that's fair.

Besides, with this chunk of
metal might make it explode!

Hah!

All hail the queen
of daytime television.

Long live the queen.

Wow, Dieter!
Hey, thanks so much for coming.

- Yeah!
- So, friend, what's up?

All kinds of good stuff actually.

Yeah, my-my folk band
just pressed an album on vinyl.

Oh, that is so cool,
I can't wait to buy it.

So, what, I, uh,
I need to make a purchase.

Right, yeah, um, I thought
you went all clean.

Oh, totally, I still I am.

I just need Adderall for my ADD.

I'm diagnosed but my doctor he moved.

And it's been really hard
for me to find a new one.

Especially being under so much
scrutiny as a celebrity.

Yeah, yeah yeah, being
a celebrity must be so hard.

Ugh, you have no idea.

Okay, um, yeah, I got you, for sure.

Oh, great.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

- Okay.
- Yeah, you're the best.

See you later.

Hey, boss lady. You got a sec?

For you? Always. Here, have a seat.

I just wanted to thank you for backing

that money truck up to my house.

Now that I'm back I just
want to make sure we're cool.

You know that we're, starting
off with a clean slate.

Of course. We're both DTA Award
winning professionals.

- Hell yes, we are.
- Okay, Mo. What do you want?

So, the network is talkin' to me about

starring in a Sitcom with Vance Gordon.

- Sitcom? Cute.
- Mm-hmm.

I didn't realize you had
acting aspirations.

Well, I don't. I mean,
It's just a sitcom.

I just got to do what I do but,
Vance Gordon is kinda bland

so of course they need
Mo to bring the funny.

I love it when funny is used as a noun.

Yeah, so, you know,
they caught on to the chemistry

that he and I had at the DTA

so, if I get it which you know I will.

I'm just gonna,
I'mma need your blessing.

Well, that's very nice of you to ask me.

- No, I mean, legally.
- Hmm.

Like, I need for you to carve it
out of my contract.

You know, 'cause
if you don't agree then...

...I-I won't be able to do it.

Is, um, this important to you, Mo?

Well, if it wasn't,
I would not be asking.

I will give you my blessing.

I will call business affairs
and uh, take care of it.

Thank you.

But I do have a few minor concessions.

Which will also be carved out
of your contract.

Okay. Such as?

You are never to...

...discuss my age or my vagina...

...on air again.

If that's what it takes.

Yo! Dieter?

What the hell are you doing here?

Hey, long time. How you been?

Hey, I, uh got some of that
Kush, if you're interested.

I do not need you anymore, okay?

I've got my medical card

and I most certainly don't
need you in my place of work.

- How did you find me?
- I'm not here for you, Mo.

I just... you know, I'm...

I'm a fan of the show.

You look great by the way.

Thank you.

Hey, business affairs just
called about Mo's new contract.

You letting her go off for a sitcom?

Sure, why not. Seems like a good
venue for all her talents.

They can pipe in
laughter for all her yucks.

Okay, but if the show gets picked up

she'll be doing two jobs.

- Yeah, right.
- Look!

First year shows, I've heard stories.

Scripts change all the time.

Crazy hours, re-shoots.

Ahh, she'll be run ragged.

She'll miss shows.

Oh!

How did it take me so long to get there?

But, be careful, mom.

It's gonna go straight to Mo's head

and she'll be an even bigger monster.

Sometimes when I feed the beast

I slip a little something
extra in her kibble.

I-what does that mean?

It means I'm not scared of monsters.

No, I'm not going for the
Frida [bleep] Kahlo look.

Where's the water? My mouth is [bleep].

Okay, really, spotlight
on fetal massage?

Another frivolous pregnancy piece.

If it bugs you that much,
you should take a stand.

- You are a DTA winner.
- That's right!

You gotta throw down to get
anywhere with Maxine.

That's why I get whatever I want

because she's too scared
to say no to me.

Yeah, I'm terrified, Mo.
You got me by the balls.

Congratulations, ladies.

Winning is so humbling...

Even more humbling than all
those years of losing.

Yeah, I say we celebrate all month.

Maxine as a DTA winner

I'd like to use our increased
visibility to report

on issues that I really care about.

And I would like you
to get the network to scrub

all the images of me
and my dress from the internet.

So much drama with you and your jugs.

- Yeah, Heath, free the nipple.
- My nipples are not free.

It's humiliating guys.

Well, as long as we're
asking for things, I mean

could this DTA winner
get like a juice bar

maybe some organic crap.

And Mo, for you?

Oh, no. I'm good.
I got everything I want.

Alright, newsflash, girls.

As lovely as this award is

all it means is that
our formula is working.

And that we need to do
more of the same.

And that we beat those smug
bitches at "Morning Talk!"

Shouldn't we be using this
as a launching pad

to bigger and better things?

The "Lunch Hour" is bigger and better.

Nina, there are a lot
of journalists out there

that would kill for your gig.

Print media is over.

Oh, that's arguable.

Uh! What isn't arguable with you, Nina?

Ladies, instead of whining

we should be relishing our victory.

I am, all I'm saying is that

the world is scarier than ever
and we have a platform..

No, I have a platform.
And you're a guest on it.

Now, we need to look past our
accolades and focus on the work.

All eyes are on us. So, today
should be the best show ever.

Maxine, these just came for you.

Oh, my God. That's huge.

- Who's it? Oprah?
- Ooh!

Is she finally
acknowledging our DTA win?

Actually it's from your dry cleaner

congratulating you and thanking you

for your continued patronage.

What's this?

- Oh!
- What is it?

This is from Oprah!

The women owns her own cable channel.

Gift certificate. 50 bucks.

Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Oh!

Another meme. It's so offensive!

And not a single one of them
give me props for being perky

after having two kids.

- Phone for Leon.
- I can say it, Ramona.

- Then why didn't you?
- Because, what's the point?

Ooh!

Hey, Mr. Network President

Oh! Mo!

You picked up.

Hey, my favorite funny lady.
How are you doing?

Big day today.
First day back on the show.

So, you're calling to tell me,
I got the part, right?

The network loved your audition.

They loved it. We were roaring.

Yes.

But the network really wants you

to focus on "The Lunch Hour."

You're calling to tell me
I didn't get the part.

Is that what you're saying?

You're, you're telling me
that you're passing?

No, no, no, not passing per se.

Was it Maxine? That bitch.

Some of the upper brass felt

that you didn't
have the right chemistry.

Chemistry? What the fuck?

I mean, no wonder your
primetime line up is tanking.

You are a very important part
of the NEB family, Mo.

Very important... Mo?

[bleep] just watch me

[bleep] explode.

Come on! Move.

I've been telling you, we're screwed.

They're subpoenaing my phone records.

Damn, this thing is not going away.

No, it's not. In fact,
it's getting way too close.

And I don't know how to shut it down.

In all my years reporting the news I've

interviewed presidents,
princes, and pop stars.

But there are other voices
that I wanted to be heard.

So, a decade ago I created a show

where woman could sit down
and say what's on their minds.

And, boy, do they ever!

We have a real slice of American pie

who puts faith and family first.

A Pulitzer prize winning journalist

with a passion for justice.

A child star who is all grow up.

Her POV is OMG.

She's back. The outrageous, outspoken

the one and only, Mo.

And me, Maxine Robinson!

I'm in the left chair every day at noon.

On, "The Lunch Hour."
Where no topic is taboo.

The DTAs were great!

I'm not saying who but someone
let's call her, I don't know

Star Jones got into this thing
with someone let's call her...

...uh, Sharon Osborne...

Oh, my gosh, I'm totally
making up those names.

Okay, can you like save

some oxygen for the rest of us in here?

- Yeah, okay.
- We were all at the DTAs.

And I'm sure there
are plenty stories that

that are more interesting
for you guys to hear, right?

Yeah, like, my stories,
like I was telling...

Do you know, I have the talking stick.

I'm sure we all can agree with
the highlight of the evening

was when I received that award
in that awesome dress.

Do you have the picture of the dress?

Ahh! Look at that dress.

Oh. I was so stoked
when I heard that we won

I was in the bathroom which was a...

And I think the other highlight
of the evening was...

...Heather's headlines.

Mo, no, please, please, I'm...

Some haters said that
they were lowlights.

- We weren't gonna talk about...
- That is not okay.

We can't talk about Heather's boobs?

I thought we couldn't talk
about Maxine's vagina

which for the record I'm not
talking about your vagina

I'm talking about the fact that
I can't talk about your vagina.

What is happening on the show today?

We are talking censorship.
Keep up.

Mo, can talk about whatever she'd like.

So, far it's still a free country.

Oh, great, now I don't
have anything to say.

Well, if anyone finds my
DTA, I kinda lost it.

Um, I think I left it in the Uber

oh, with my purse which
I, which I also lost.

Kibbs, I think you lost
your ever loving mind.

Well, if anyone finds
that and returns it to me

then you get a free "Lunch Hour" tote.

Alright, Maxine, say what you need.

Enough about the DTAs and Mo's return.

- Let's talk about babies.
- Talk about...

- Nina!
- Thank you, Maxine.

Well, I have got some great tips

on how to make a happy baby in utero.

They can wait until
they're fully formed adults

to be miserable.

Nina, pregnancy is supposed
to be the most wondrous time

of a woman's life, so, I've heard.

So, can you please put
a smile on your face

for your next maternity segment?

Like this?

Dealing with second
trimester hemorrhoids.

Well, suck it up. I see your
face I'm wanna turn the channel.

And I suspect most of America
feels the same way.

Well, I am sorry, I'm doing
the best I can with this fluff.

There's real arrogance in that attitude.

Well, I think you're risking
patronizing your audience.

I think you're risking patronizing me.

Kudos to you Kibby,
you saved us out there.

Oh! Oh, man you were so funny.

Kibby, keep doing whatever you're doing.

Okay, I'm on the DTA high
and like 30 cups of coffee.

So, ha-ha.

Kibby is only funny because
I came back, okay.

Obviously I elevate the conversation.

Any network would know
that except this one.

- You didn't get the pilot?
- I didn't really want it.

It needs to be a network
that deserves me.

Wait, wait, I rehearsed with you.

You did amazing, baby.

I'm allowed to call you baby
now in the public, right?

It's all good. Come on, baby

- I owe you one.
- Yes!

Hey, did you want me to tear Mo

a new one for mentioning your, um...

Vagina? No. It's fine.

Well, she is in breech
of contract, we could always...

This just came for you, Shawn.

I think it's from Oprah.

Okay, uh..

Why'd they subpoena my phone records?

What the hell? Why would they?

Uh, you know what? It's no big deal.

I'll handle it, okay?

Handle it?

Shawn, how do you handle a subpoena?

Even Maxine's not that powerful.

Uh, she'll figure something out.

Baby, this is the one thing
that she can't control.

Hey, so, what were they asking you

the other day at the police station?

I mean, they were just
drilling down for details

about the night that Ted died.

But I couldn't give 'em much.

- Well, why not?
- I wasn't there.

I was at a graduation party wasted.

You? Wasted?
I mean, you barely drink.

I was wild back in the day.

I actually, hardly remember
what happened that night.

Wow, even I haven't heard

of these wild Shawn stories.

There's a reason for that.

Um, there's a lot I don't
know about you, player.

"You can do anything
that your heart desires."

I mean, this script is so lame.

Oh, my gosh, seriously?

Like, "Lacey From Outer Spacey"

is Shakespeare or something?

Can you just help me
with my audition, please?

I mean, you were the one
who said you'd help me.

- Remember?
- I know I did.

But, it's just that...

Tan, I gotta be honest
with you about something.

I'm having a hard time with this.

The thought of you doing
the show with Vance.

Tandy...

...I mean, this script sucks, right?

It's really bad and being
a child actor is hard enough.

- But if you really wanna...
- You think I suck, right?

- What? No.
- Just say it.

You, you're scared that I'm gonna

embarrass you in front of Vance.

That's not it at all.

Then why won't you help me?

Huh?

Because, I-I don't think you're ready.

I think you need a lot of training.

Because you only get
one shot in this business.

Darling, I think you should know

what your police department is up to?

Subpoenaing my phone
records and my son's.

This is harassment.
It needs to be stopped.

Maxine, I can't do anything about that?

You're the deputy mayor.
Do something with your title.

You know my show employs over
200 tax paying citizens.

Not to mention the tourists
that come and see it.

And then go across the street
and eat at Shake Shack.

And then drop buckets of dollars
on "I Love New York" t-shirts.

Maxine, what do you want from me?

The police should focus on real crime.

- Drugs, theft.
- I hear you, Maxine.

Get them off my back now
or it won't be pretty.

You know, my sister's boy wants
to break into the business.

Yes, uh, we can give your
nephew an internship, see?

I knew there was a way we
could work things out.

Just like that, the case is over.

When I'm so damn close.

It's rules like "Thou shall not kill"

just for little people and suckers, huh?

- Siri, get me the asshole.
- Jason Abel!

Jason, you passed on Mo
for the Vance Gordon Sitcom.

What happened to Mo? I thought
she killed at the auditions.

Well something died, here.

You can see for yourself.

I won't tell your dad this time, Jozy.

"because living with your
mistake is punishment enough."

I promise I won't do it again.

"But if this behavior..."

Well, I can't do this [bleep].

Okay, this is how it should go.

Listen, your behavior you keep
acting up like this [bleep]

I'mma knock your ass
till it hits your head.

You entitled [bleep] off it.

You think anybody gives a shit.

that your mother is dead?

Um, can we stick to the
script? It's a family comedy.

Where's the [bleep] comedy?

She is awful. Truly awful.

- Let's watch it again.
- We've watched it eight times.

You think it's too late to call Jason?

For what? She stinks.

He'd have to be an idiot
to actually give her the part.

That's what I'm counting on.

Brad's actually okay with the
kids going to the Crossroads.

I'm sure he calls it
a hippy-dippy school

with pot smoking parents,
and barefoot kids.

- Is it?
- Yeah!

But, Ella can be Ella and..,

...as long as the kids are happy.

I mean, screw Nina and her stalker.

Metal detectors at work?

We're living in a police state.

But you can't be too careful these days.

What? Yeah! Keys kill!

Ready. Good Morning.

Ow! Shit! It was the white girl.

It was the white girl you saw that.

Oh! Ah!

My gun, must have set it off.

I probably should have taken that out.

Don't worry, I have
a concealed weapons permit.

Come on, Mo. We're gonna be late.

You don't want Maxine to be mad.

I bring my gun to work every
day, ladies. It's fine.

Hell, no, Annie Oakley.

What the hell are you doing with a gun?

Yeah, Heather! Are you freakin'
insane? Guns are scary.

There is no reason for anyone
to bring a weapon to work.

I agree. I was the one
who was threatened.

With a selfie stick.

The point being

I would never bring a gun to work.

Hey, ladies, while I
respect your very liberal

and left-minded opinions
about this matter

may I remind you
that I am well within my rights

to carry a firearm? Besides...

And it's pink.

I don't see what the big fuss is.

I carry my gun safe and
sound in my purse...

...inside of my drawer...

...which I lock. No big deal.

No big deal, my ass.

Heather, a gun is not costume jewelry.

Do you know how many
black people die from guns?

Ladies, I am protected
by the Second Amendment

which gives me the right to bear arms...

- Every man is...
- Ladies, enough!

This is not the time nor place
to have this discussion.

We will continue a civilized
discussion where it belongs.

The law is very clear,
as a citizen of New York

and a lawful holder
of a concealed weapons permit

I'm allowed to carry my gun
wherever I want

as long as there are no signs
prohibiting it.

Look around, ladies,
there are no signs.

No one thought
we needed a no-gun sign

plastered on the set of
a daytime talk show for women.

- She has a point.
- Fancy makes people safe.

- What?
- Fancy?

Fancy's what I have named my gun.

But it's a gun, not a Pomeranian.

My aunt had a Pomeranian named
Fancy. Cute, but annoying.

Didn't know how to feel
when they put her down.

Heather, the argument that you
and your NRA friends make

that guns deter violence
is absolutely ridiculous.

Guns are almost never used
in self-defense.

And when they are, they always
result in a more dire outcome.

No, I don't, I don't know, Nina, look.

I actually think people have
the right to strap up.

- Thank you, Mo.
- But not your crazy ass.

You think I trust you with a weapon?

You can barely use a can opener

without hurting yourself,
Heather. Come on, stop it.

You know, let's check in
with our social media

to see what they say about this topic.

Ooh.

Please, take your fantasies

somewhere else, creepers.

Yeah, I'm a responsible gun owner

and I carry it everywhere I go.

Keep that in mind next time you try

to cut in front of her at communion.

Jason, listen to me,
Mo's humor is broad and vulgar

but a sitcom with a laugh track?

That seems like the perfect vehicle.

Let her audition again.
She wasn't used to the format

or the, the rhythms...

"The Lunch Hour"
should be her priority.

The sitcom will just be a distraction.

Mo's capable of multitasking.

I assume you're gonna be
shooting in New York, right?

Well, I mean, we'd have to
if we went with Mo

to accommodate her schedule.

Tandy, hey, can I talk
to you for a second?

No. Seriously, I'm about
to audition, to get in the zone.

Are you trying to sabotage me now?

- No.
- Uh, just talk to my manager.

- Tandy, please.
- What do you expect?

- You told her she sucked?
- That's not what I said.

I'm just trying to protect her.

You know what, maybe if you were
this dramatic on camera

you'd still have an acting career.

Well, maybe if you weren't so greedy

you wouldn't be such a terrible mother.

Oh, good.

Why don't you go put in a nice word

with Vance for your sister?

"Josey, your mother will be with you

at your birthday party in spirit."

"But she won't really be there."

"Josey."

Damn this.

Josey, let your mom's
spirit follow the light

where she could be with her dead
relatives and pets and she...

No, wait. T-t-those are not the lines.

If you want this part

you're gonna have to
stick with the script.

- It's not funny.
- It's a network comedy.

- It's not supposed to be funny.
- Why are you tryin' to help me?

Well, because I told you
I would support you.

- Clean slate.
- Really?

Okay, well, I would
hope that we're there

'cause we are on the same team, right?

Of course.

Our friendly rivalry has become

a fun part of our brands.

- Okay. Fine.
- You know what, Mo?

I wouldn't have hired
you in the first place

if I didn't think you're funny
and certainly not re-hired you.

Well, I never would've taken
the job in the first place

if I didn't have to pay my goddamn rent.

Alright, let's, uh, let's
just read the lines.

"Josey, I'll make this

the best birthday party you ever had."

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What you doing?

It says you have to hug Josey Pinch.

I don't believe in hugs.

Well, neither do I.
You wanna get the part?

Just pretend I'm a big bag of money.

Money. Money, money, money, money.

Ah. Really?

Well, now you need to
pretend I'm your doorman.

Thank you.

- Hm.
- Hm.

- Now say the line.
- Oh, [bleep]. Okay. Um.

"I will always be there for you,
my little lovebug."

- End scene.
- Ooh!

Oh, thank God.

Vance, do not hire Tandy.
I mean it.

Jealousy is not becoming on you.

- Your sister deserves a shot.
- You're such a dick.

And the network
makes the decisions, not me.

Don't act like you don't have
a say. Tank her audition!

Calm down. Calm down.

I swear to God, if you so much
as look at her wrong

I'll go public with everything.

And what are you gonna say,
that I took advantage of you?

Come on, Kibbs, you and
I did not fall in love

until you were, what, 18?

Love? I was such a little idiot
for believing you. So smooth.

Protecting yourself
while still being a perv.

And thanks for the drugs, by the way.

Uh-oh, that sounds like addict behavior

blaming your actions on other people.

The difference is I didn't have
anyone looking out for me

but Tandy does.

Do you really expect people
to believe you?

Look at you. Kibby, huh?

Well, what-what do you want here?

Uppers, downers, combo platter?

[bleep] you.

Maybe no one will believe
me, but do you really

wanna take that chance?

I get the feeling that
this is really important to you

so I will push for somebody else.

Daddy comes through again!

What do you mean she quashed it?

Subpoena's gone.

It's over. Let's celebrate.

Do you know how difficult it is
to get rid of a subpoena?

Uh, she must have pulled
some serious strings.

- Whatever gets the job done.
- Shawn.

Think about it.

She lied about how long
she was seeing William for.

Why?

What else is she hiding that
she has to pull in such favors?

She's my mother. She asked me
to trust her and I'm going to.

Well, what exactly did she
ask you to trust her about?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

With how she's handling this.

You deserve to know the truth.

I know it. Everyone knows it. Ted fell.

- He hit his head and died.
- But you weren't even there.

You said it yourself,
that you don't even remember

what your mother told you that night.

Look, Nina, I don't need you to
be an investigative journalist

on this one. Just leave it alone.

Well, that's interesting.

You were so worried about how my
one lapse in journalistic ethics

would jeopardize the show,
yet a murder investigation

involving your mother
doesn't even faze you?

The murder investigation
that's now closed

because there was no murder, Nina. Look.

Can we just let it go?

Babe, I'd really like
to just focus on the future.

I mean, I feel like
we're finding our way

back to a really good place again.

Me, too.

So, can we just let it go?

Well, Nina, I was happy
and surprised to hear from you.

Yes, we ended on such an ugly note.

Well, maybe that's because
you called me a psycho stalker

on national television.

I'm so sorry. I feel
really bad about that.

I feel kinda bad, too.

Maybe sending you a big box of dog poop

was a little over the top.

That was you.

Water under the bridge, right?

So, um...

What's going on with you and Maxine?

- Why do you wanna know?
- Well, clearly...

She didn't wanna keep you on the show.

And we both know

that when somebody
has something on Maxine

she shuts them down hard.

Luckily, you've landed on your feet.

It must've been so tough to
get another job in journalism.

- Oh, talent always rises to...
- Yo.

I asked you for an Espresso.

And, make it a ristretto

not that sketch banana-nut
spice crap.

And, don't forget to restock
my mini fridge.

We're-we're
a social news website

which means we spend all day
writing listicles

like 20 Disney Princesses
With Serious Bitch Face.

Hey, Bowen! Yay, me.

But it's not easy to get
a decent internship at my age.

You must be so pissed.

That's a polite way of putting it.

So, then tell me

why did Maxine
wanna get rid of you so badly?

I have evidence
that she murdered her husband.

Oh, and since we're being real

it wasn't dog poop.

Damn. Hey, slow your roll, girl.

It's only 8 o'clock in the morning.

What's the big d?

It works a hell of a lot
better than coffee.

Okay, I'll take an 8-ball, please.

I thought you were only
stickin' to Adderall.

I am. This is just a special, like

hump day/bump day treat.

Alright, well, as long as you remember

to check yourself before
your wreck yourself. Alright?

Okay, this whole drug-dealer-
with-a-conscience thing

is getting really annoying.
So, uh, here's your money.

- Give me my goods and go.
- Alright. Hey, one love.

Okay. Can you please just go?

See ya.

Bye, you guys.
Have a good day at school.

Make good choices.

Principal Freewoman.
Thank you so much.

Ella is so happy and trans

and Savannah is confused

but, she's getting used to it.

- You have been so welcoming.
- Stop.

We ask for consent before touching.

- And I'm denying.
- Oh. Okay. I am so sorry.

I'm also denying you access
to the school.

Several parents caught your show
and you must understand

that guns terrify our students.

And they're not really a solution

but if you insist on carrying one

then we're going to have to reconsider

your children's enrollment.

I thought this school
was all about inclusivity.

And yet, here you are, outright
excluding me and my children.

We are not excluding.

We're just extracting.

For the record, my gun
has never gone off nor will it

unless I'm protecting myself
and my children.

I am not judging you.
We don't judge here.

Oh, but I think you do

you alternative socialist hypocrites.

Thank you for speaking
your truth, Heather.

And now here's mine.

If you wish your children
to stay in this school

there better not be a gun
in your handbag tomorrow.

Yeah, well, gluten
intolerance is a conspiracy

created by the rice industry!

Hey! Maxine!

I just wanted to show you my new bag.

- Cute, right?
- Oh, yeah.

I mean,
it's very new-money-meets

I-just-landed-a-major-role-
on-a-network-sitcom.

You got the job. Congratulations!

Thank you! Girl, it's all about
that double-income life, baby.

And I would not have been able
to land this role

if it weren't for you. So, thank you.

Speaking of children, uh, you know what?

I'm, I think I'm finally understanding

what it feels like to have children.

Oh. Mommy loves her so much.

- Are you breastfeeding?
- Oh, gosh, she wouldn't latch.

No, really, like, she wouldn't latch.

The clasp broke, I had
to take her back to be fixed

but I wanted to ask you real quick.

What do you think about having

Vance Gordon on the show tomorrow?

I mean, we can tell the world
that I, Mo Evans

is playing his wife and I'm bringing

a little chocolate to the milk.

I think the network would love it.

That's why I love you, baby.
She needs a nap.

- Oh.
- You, what, what happened?

You're so sleepy. Okay.

Max, I appreciate you, girl.
Love ya!

Hey, Kibbs. Doin' a
little spring cleaning?

Yeah. Yeah, I was feeling
kind of repressed

by my current setup, so, figured
I'd rearrange some things.

Sometimes it, just moving a chair

can make you feel refreshed, you know?

- Nice bag.
- Oh, thank you.

I bought it with my new sitcom money.

Oh, you got the part.

Wow, congrats.

Thanks. Did your sister hear anything?

Oh, um, I-I don't think
it's happening for her.

Oh, that's too bad.
Vance really liked her.

I bet he did.

Look, Mo, I got to warn you.
Vance, he sucks.

Like, he's the mayor, treasurer,
and president of-of Suck Town.

Working with him,
it-it, it's a nightmare.

Hm. You know what, Kibbs?

Maybe you need to worry
about yourself, you know?

Are you coming down
with a cold or something?

You're doing an awful lot of sniffling.

No, I'm-I'm fine. Um...

Can you go? You're kinda
harshing my feng shui.

Well, I am so happy you are
doing "The Lunch Hour" tomorrow.

I think our audience is gonna
flip over your new show.

It's crap, but they're
paying me a ton of money

so, you know, whatever. Right?

What's it gonna be like
to work with Mo?

Oh, she is so down to earth and easy.

Uh, absolutely no ego with her.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

You know, that brash personality
she flaunts on stage

it's just an act.
She's as sweet as a wallflower.

Alright. Well, then
this is gonna be fun.

They're not making you
shoot in New York, are they?

Ah, on-on account of Mo,
I think we kinda have to.

She can't be in two places at once.

Yeah, I guess not.

- Not that that's your problem.
- It kinda is.

I mean, to tell you the truth,
it's a huge pain in my ass.

I mean, everything's in LA.
I got my house, my kids...

Oh, darling, you are Vance Gordon.

If you don't want to pick up your life

and move to New York
for some crappy sitcom

put your foot down.
I'm sure they'll cave.

And then what? I mean, what,
y-you and I would fight over Mo?

Darling, I would never fight.

There are a lot of other
co-hosts out there

but only one Emily Pinch.

Maxine, you got a sec?

Uh, if you're trying to get out of doing

the story on pregnancy sandals
tomorrow, forget it.

No.

No, as much as I loathe
these insipid pieces

you keep on assigning me,
this isn't about that.

This is about Shawn

and the investigation
into your husband's death.

And I think you should know

how stressful it's been for him.

Well, it isn't easy for me, either.

Oh, these detectives
need to get a hobby.

I just think he would feel a lot better

if you told him what actually
happened the night of his death.

I've told him everything
he needs to know.

So, if you will excuse me

I have a show to prep.

I spoke to Anna Course.

She told me that you killed Ted.

Uh, you're gonna take
the word of a woman

who has proven herself unstable
on national television.

Actually, my instincts are telling me

that Anna is onto something.

I think you're forgetting this,
Maxine, but I am a journalist.

Oh, yeah. And so am I.

So, if you wanna dig, let's dig.

Don't think that I haven't forgotten

about your own skeletons in your closet.

I don't have any.

I bet your ex-husband begs to differ.

It's never too late to find out, is it?

You know what, Maxine,
there is nothing to know.

Andrew's a spiteful person and
he'll say just about anything.

Nina, darling, if you wanna continue

meddling in my business, go ahead.

But be forewarned.

When they go low, I go lower.

Hey, thanks for letting me
swing by before work.

NBD. That's how we talk
around here. It's really cool.

Saves like three minutes a day.

Doesn't NBD have the same exact
number of syllables as no big deal?

- Hey, Anna.
- Hm.

Ah. I'm rebranding.

I'm super-close to getting
my own listicle. Yeah?

Can you restock the
fridge with kombucha?

Just give me a second.

Bo, I'm currently in
the midst of scheming

to take down my old boss
with my former nemesis.

Sweet.

He's so cool. I'm totally DTF.

So, Anna, you said on the phone
that you had something for me.

Yes, right. I'm sorry.

This... is the police investigation

into Ted's death.

Apparently, Maxine had it killed.

TBH, that's what she does.

These are the actual police files?

Mm-hmm, the detective in charge

was taken off the case
and he was pissed AF.

Twist, he gave the files to me. Hm.

Spoiler alert, Queen Maxine once again.

Yeah, well, we'll see about that.

Mm-hmm.

What's this?

Nothing you need to worry about.

It's just a crappy mix tape of mine

from the '90s.

God, I loved Hootie & The Blowfish.

One second.

Uh, come in.

- Uh, five minutes?
- Yeah.

Actually, I-I was coming to ask
if you would do me a big favor.

Do you think you could ask Vance

if he would take a selfie
with me after the show?

I saw him getting miked in the back.

Vance is here? He's doing the show?

Yeah, and I'm a really big fan

and I... Actually...

I used to have a big crush on him, so...

- Get out.
- Okay, sorry.

- But now it's four minutes...
- Get out!

Sorry.

Hey, what happened to you earlier?

Thought we were going out to breakfast.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I had some errands to run.

- Is everything okay?
- Mm-hmm.

One minute! One minute!

Hey! Excuse me.

Alright, hold the baby
while I'm at work.

Mommy's gotta bring home the bacon.

Ooh. Hello! Yo, kid,
you better check yourself!

You do not want a piece of me.

- You okay, baby?
- Man.

You're sweeter to this purse
than you are to me.

But that's because
that purse holds my money

without spending it.

Oh, look here.

I think you need to do
some talking to Kibby.

Why is my hair so flat today?

It's looks really, really, really bad!

Can you do something about this?

Yeah, she's looking
very Lindsay Lohanish

circa 2006.

Well, should we try parting it
on the other side

so it's not as [bleep] just flat?

I'll speak to her after the show.

I need clips, I need clips.

Aria!

Mm-hmm. Your problem.

So, I walked right back
into that audition room

and I said, "Oh, no, I am not done.

You bitches are going to give me
another chance."

She killed it! You are so fun.

- Thank you.
- Oh, that's our Mo, so funny!

So, Vance, uh,
Mo will be playing your wife?

Oh, wait. Wait a minute.
Mo's gonna play Vance's wife?

But how will that work since you
don't really do age appropriate?

That is an interesting point,
not only will the show

be diverse, but finally we will
see an age appropriate spouse...

Hey, Nina, do you, like,
try to be boring?

Sorry, go back to talking
about Vance's relationships.

So, uh, tell me, will
your second wife be as mellow

as your IRL wife?

Since we all know
she puts up with a lot.

- Is she high?
- Okay, Kibby.

All cameras off Kibby.

Come on, we all know I'm a handful

both off and on camera.

Oh, he's a handful.

Now, speaking of relationships

we have a little surprise for you.

It is time to introduce America

to the young actress who'll be
playing Vance's daughter...

And my stepdaughter.

Okay, that's the whole
point of the show.

Please welcome, Tandy Ainsley!

What?

Well, we wanted to surprise you, Kibby.

Isn't this fun, passing
the baton to your kid sister?

Yeah, it is so cute.

The fake family keeping
it on the real...

Tandy, are you F-ing kidding me?

Sister, hi. Aww.
So, apparently, I can act.

She was terrific.

They loved you.
How do you feel?

You feel good? I was so nervous for you.

Every time I think you can't go
any lower, you prove me wrong.

Careful, Kibby. Green
was never your color.

I'm not jealous!

Uh, excuse me. Kibby,
I would like to speak with you.

Oh, is that what you like? Well,
I don't care what you want.

Kibby, you need
to get a hold of yourself.

- How could you do this to me?
- Oh.

Kibby, you need to dry out now.

I have invested a lot in you.

Oh, is that what I am,
just some investment?

Oh, Maxine, um, what's
the matter with Kibby?

Oh, she'll be fine.

So, I have a little
announcement for you two.

We are so excited about "In A Pinch"

we wanna give it the best
possible production value

we can get, so we've decided
to shoot it in LA.

- Ah!
- Oh, LA as in Los Angeles?

- Los Angeles.
- Yeah!

Oh, Mo, what a shame.

And so soon after you came back
to "The Lunch Hour."

You're gonna love it out there.

- What the fudge?
- Have you seen Kibby?

Have you seen this sign? Not cool!

I can't bring my gun here...

Heather, I don't have time for this.

I need to find Kibby.

You don't have time
for the Second Amendment?

Back off, Heather.

You know, this California shit

has Maxine Robinson written all over it.

Not now, Mo.

You knew exactly what you were doing.

And it's a shame you didn't.

Oh, there she is.

What the f...

- Okay, you should stop.
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, God.
- Kibby. Kibby.

How does it feel, asshole?

- Kibby, no!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, my God.

Kibby, please put down the gun.

- No, I'm not gonna let him touch her!
- Kibby!

I'm not gonna let him
get away with this!

- Put down the gun!
- Everybody look out!

synced and corrected by susinz
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