All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S04E05

(Door closes)

(Gasp) Flowers!

Oh, John, I do love how
you keep the magic alive.

Well they're not from me, Moira.

"Sorry for your loss.
She was really something."

Ew. Who was something?

Well, I don't know.

They didn't even... put
their name on the card.

- Alexis: Mom?
- In here.

Oh, thank God.

The internet says you're dead.

What? Whadda ya mean?

Who's saying that?
Your mother's not dead.

I'm standing right here.

Yeah, well now I know, but it's weird

- 'cause they're still saying it.
- So people are believing it?

Um, well it doesn't help
that Alexis just tweeted

"Goodbye to a great actress,"
with a cool sunglasses emoji.

Ok, I'm wearing sunglasses
because I'm in mourning, David.

What is the source of this falsehood?

And what photo are they using?

Unclear and primarily a
head-shot from the 90's,

so fresh, and young, and permed.

So what are you saying?

The entire internet
thinks your mother is dead?

- Um, well not like the entire internet.
- (Knock on door)

It's not even trending,
which is actually kind of sad.

- Mhmm.
- That's what you think is sad?

(Door opens)

Someone just dropped these off for you.

I'm assuming you're not dead?

All right, consider
this camel's back broken.

Who sends pink carnations?

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

(Door opens)

Oh Johnny, Johnny, get over here.

Come on, lemme give you one.

Oh yeah. Oh good, that
feels good, doesn't it?

- She's...
- Let it out.

She's not dead, Roland.

Boy, it's strange, I can
almost still smell her perfume.

It's because I was just talking to her.

Well, I understand. You know,

sometimes I wear Jocelyn's
robe when she's outta town.

Yeah, it was a misprint, Roland,

Moira's very much alive.

Oh, well, thank god! Geez.

You know, I gotta be honest with you,

this news really kinda hit me hard.

That's... very nice.

Yeah, the first thing I thought of is

what would happen to the baby
if something happened to us?

Roland, this is kind
of a heavy conversation

- to have at 9 a.m., isn't it?
- Johnny, Johnny,

I want you to be the
godfather to my child.

What?

Well, it's a no-brainer, Johnny.

- I mean, we're best friends.
- Yeah... but are we?

And to mark the occasion,

I wanna take you to a celebratory lunch.

Well that's not necessary.

Well, nothing's too good for
the godfather of my child.

(Crickets chirping)

I can't believe it.

I mean, I literally saw her
walk past the cafe yesterday.

I know.

And again you know,
my thing with ghosts?

- Yeah.
- But she didn't seem angry

- like the other ones.
- Oh.

You know, it says here,

that Moira was projected to be nominated

for 10 Daytime People's Choice Awards.

- 12!
- (All gasp) Oh my god.

The most projected nominee

- to have never actually been nominated.
- Moira?

We were just reading an
article that said you were...

Shh. Fear not. She hath risen!

(Clapping)

It's so good to see you. In the flesh.

Credit that internet!

Due to careless reporting,

and the gullibility of the masses,

everyone thinks I've died.

Yeah, because the news is everywhere.

Thank you.

Did you see the byline
by Maria Menounos?

No? How did it go?

(Sighs)

The unsung hero of afternoon television.

(Ahhs... )

Oh they're singing my praises now.

All: (Giggle)

Oh Moira, we are so
happy that you are okay!

Yes, Jocelyn, thank you.

Can you imagine an alternate universe

in which I've actually died?

Wow. I wonder what you'd be saying.

I don't even wanna think about it.

I know, right? But theoretically,

what do we think we'd
be saying right now?

(Silence)

Uh, she always kept things interesting.

Yeah.

Or uh... heaven just got
its newest leading lady.

All: (Chuckle)

Alrighty, I think we should
get to rehearsal, okay?

We can revisit this later.

Alexis: Thank you so much
for taking me out, David.

I really needed it.

Especially after everything
that's going on with Mom.

Okay, is that the reason,

or is it because I'm on a buying trip,

and that means you get free samples?

We make a very good team, David.

You do the talking, and
I sample the merchandise.

And speaking of, we
might have to circle back

and get more of these
peanut butter things

- from those old farm witches.
- They were Mennonites,

and I would put the
peanut butter square down,

we're about to spend the
afternoon sampling a lot of cheese.

Hmm. Nom nom for us, David.

Never say nom nom, again.

Anyway, this is a very
important account for me.

I've been trying for the
past little while to secure

an exclusivity deal with this vendor,

but she's very picky
about her retailers.

Everyone's trying to get their
greasy hands on her cheese.

Ew, David.

Wait, Warner Farms?

Does this cheese woman
have animals on her farms?

Like goats? Does she have goats?

Well, we're about to
sample some goat's cheese,

so I would imagine she
has goats on her farm.

- This is Heather Warner's farm, David.
- I know.

No, like Heather, Heather.
Like, Ted's Heather.

What? She's like 50.

0 She's 42, and I know!
- Ugh!

- Okay.
- (Tires crunch)

You know what?

I can't have your personal drama

storming over my business
dealings right now,

so I think it's best if
you got out of the car,

- and walked home.
- Walked home?

That would take like 15 minutes, David,

that's absolutely not happening.

Anyway, don't worry
about me. I'll be fine.

Okay. Um, then maybe it's
best if you stayed in the car

with the windows down.

Stop it, David, I'm not a baby.

(Alexis whines)

(Doors open and shut)

(Birds chirping)

(Crow cawing)

So just...

(Crow cawing)

(Car rumbles)

So Roland, I've been thinking about

your very generous offer to
be godfather to your baby.

It's not an offer, Johnny,
it's an offer you can't refuse.

- Oh. Ha ha, Marlon Brando.
- Right, but from what movie?

- The Godfather.
- No, from Casino.

Okay, fine.

It wasn't Casino, Brando
wasn't in Casino, but...

- Hmm?
- Roland,

I assume when you say
godfather that it's, you know,

just an honorary title?

No. You'd have to step
in and raise my kid

if something happened to Jocelyn or me.

Which isn't gonna happen,
but you never know in life.

Our house inspector said that
our furnace could go any day.

Oh, and I'm thinking of getting Joce

his-and-hers cliff diving
lessons for her birthday.

Oh, yeah, well you see
that... concerns me a little.

Well, those are just kind
of extreme examples, Johnny.

I mean, other than that I'm
in the prime of good health.

Except for this
friggin' mole on my back.

Okay, scoop of tuna on the
Mediterranean salad, for you.

Thank you.

And the usual fried chicken
on a waffle, extra skin.

- Okay.
- I will be right back

- with the hot sauce and butter.
- Yes, and the gravy,

Twyla, please. Thank you. Ah.

See the thing is, Roland,
I don't think you realize...

... just how big a
responsibility you'd be,

I don't wanna say
strapping to my back, but...

Well, Johnny, that's why I'm asking you

because um, I consider you family.

Oh. Well, as a family member,

I feel we can say
anything to each other.

- Sure.
- And, quite frankly,

your lifestyle choices

are making me just a little nervous.

Don't worry about me. Mmm mm.

(Roland chokes)

(Coughs)

- I'm okay.
- Good.

(Roland coughs)

(Roland coughs)

It's just a little
piece of skin back there.

- Hmm.
- (Roland coughs)

- I got it. Still good.
- Hmm.

(Brando voice) Do you wanna have a bite?

I'll give you a bite you can't refuse.

No, no, that's okay.
That's fine. I am done.

(Birds chirping)

Well, this is quite the spread.

Hm, yeah. Look at all this cheese.

Nom nom for...

I'm glad we could
finally make this happen.

I know I've been a
little hard to pin down.

It's just we're a family-run business,

and there's an apprehension
about branching out.

I totally, totally get that.

We are also a family-run business.

- This is my sister.
- Oh!

I thought you had a
male business partner.

Oh, I do. She is an intern.

Oh.

Um, in training to be CEO
of executive buying so... Okay.

Anyway, I just thought
if we partnered together,

we'd be able to extend
your customer base,

and raise your brand awareness.

Ultimately, like, raise brand awareness.

Listen, David, I love your store.

But I wanna be up front with you.

I have been approached by
a couple of other retailers

that I have to consider.

Hm. Someone's in demand,
isn't she? (Laughs)

Which makes sense because
this cheese is amazing and...

like I don't usually
love goat cheese, but...

Thank you. I do have
some prize-winning goats.

And it doesn't hurt
that I'm dating a vet.

Fun. Mm hmm.

Must be very helpful for you.

How's that going?

You know, there is something
so familiar about your voice.

Oh. No, people have told
me that I just have like,

- one of those voices.
- Mhmm.

Super generic and trill.

Anyway, I just happened
to eat one of those

pieces of blue cheese,

and normally I don't like
blue cheese in my mouth,

but that was very... not bad.

I am with you. I wasn't
a fan of it either

until I started using it in salads.

- Oh.
- Speaking of salads,

I just whipped up a big lunch.

I would love it if you guys could stay.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

No, I for one just had like a
very big peanut butter thing,

so I'm feeling pretty...

Well, I for one did not.

So we would love to stay for lunch

- with an important supplier.
- Great.

By all means, keep sampling,

and I will start bringing out the food.

Oh um, I hope you don't mind
if my boyfriend joins us?

I'm sorry?

Your boyfriend is here?

- Yeah.
- Mhmm.

You know what, I'm realizing
that this might be an imposition.

Get in the car! Not
an imposition at all.

Ted?

The clients are gonna stay for lunch.

Would you mind helping me set the table?

Uh, sure.

Thanks.

(Birds chirping)

♪♪♪

Oh, Becca DeMornay, what a sweetheart.

It's times like this you learn
who your true friends are.

(Knock on door)

I'm busy!

Stevie: There's kind
of a situation out here.

Okay, come in.

(Door opens and shuts)

Oh hey, so there's a reporter
outside, asking questions.

I thought you should know.

A reporter? Here? Now!

Yeah, didn't you expect them to come?

Well, I thought it might be
contained to the internet.

Is there a scrum? How many camera crews?

I think just one.

Unless they all used the same van.

No. No, Stevie, no.

This is not, not how I imagined
my resurrection news to break!

Impeccably dressed woman
wanders out of Podunk motel.

No, that's not the headline!

Okay, well I actually
own this Podunk motel,

and I don't know what choice you have.

Well, we have to think of something.

After all my fans have endured?

No, I can't let them see me like this.

It would kill Sir Tony Geary.

- (Hangers rattle)
- No!

No! Ah! Stevie, help me!

Ah! No!
- Okay.

Wow. Well, this looks delicious.

Thank you so much for having us.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Well, this quiche is a treat.

I didn't know you'd
gotten into prepared foods?

I haven't. I just made this for lunch.

But if you've ever had her quiche,

you can definitely say
that it is eggs-cellent.

- (All chuckle)
- Ted.

So how is it you know each other?

Um, well...

Uh... well Alexis and I worked together.

She used to be my receptionist.

That's how I know your voice.

You answered the phones
at the vet's clinic.

Yes! Well, I mean, like technically

I had more responsibility than
just answering the phones but...

Oh, and Ted is the vet that
you said you were dating.

- Yes.
- Okay,

because when you said vet,
I thought you meant like,

- a War Vet.
- (Ted laughs)

Yeah, no definitely not a War
Vet. Damn these fallen arches.

I mean I must've called
there every day, for months.

Yes.

Okay, okay. David, see,
now this all makes sense.

Mhmm.

- (Both chuckle)
- The quiche is vivacious,

and that is not a word I
use to describe quiche often,

but you know, when the time is right.

You know, Alexis, I feel like
I really need to thank you.

Had you not passed along
all those messages to Ted,

I mean, looked what happened.

I feel like we owe you, or something.

Hmm.

Well, she's a very generous person so...

(Awkward silence)

Well, if you are looking
for a way to thank me,

I know that David is looking for

exclusivity on your products.

Ooh, she is good.

(Heather sighs)

Okay, I'm in.

Um...

Well, that is why she is
one of our finest interns.

We-we need to get
ahead of this, Stevie.

We must, we must craft the perfect spin

that both proclaims I'm not dead,

and explains why I've been found here.

Um, okay.

We'll tell them you brainwashed me.

Could you tell then someone
else brainwashed you?

A cult. A cult. Our
family joined a cult.

There was a charismatic leader,
40 something, very sexual,

had very long hair,
longer than you'd expect,

but it worked.

How 'bout this idea?

Um, what about telling the truth?

Truth serum. Oh Stevie, yes,

those stories are always successful.

- No, I meant the actual truth.
- Oh.

I've been reading what people
have been saying about you.

They're gonna be really
happy you're still around.

Yeah, I don't think loyalty
was ever in question.

Then why not come forward and
be honest about where you are?

Stevie, I don't...

Okay, that reporter's not
gonna be out there forever.

This is your chance
to tell your own story,

in your own words.

Like we did during the writer's strike.

Right? You have the opportunity
to create your own headline!

Yes.

And honestly, would you
rather be thought of as dead,

than living here?

- (Birds chirping)
- Mrs. Rose?

No, I know. I'm thinking on it.

Look, Jocelyn, the last thing I want

is for this conversation
to get... uncomfortable.

Oh boy.

But-but there is a delicate issue

that I wanted to talk about.

Roland asked if you wanted
to be godfather to the baby.

- Yes!
- He has been asking everybody

to be the godparent.

You're the 3rd person I've
had to talk to today, so.

Oh, I see.

I just think he wants to make sure

that our bases are covered, you know?

Well... that's a relief,
that your bases are covered.

But here's the good news,

if something does happen to
one of our first 3 choices,

we will definitely be
knocking on your door.

It's all for the best, Jocelyn,

because frankly the thought
of raising another kid...

Yeah, well, let's face it,

your first 2 were no
walk in the park, right.

Well, they're good kids.

Yeah, I mean you had a lotta help.

Yeah, but you know, we're
very capable parents.

Well if you like, we could
um, move you up the list?

No, no, no, but this has
all been very, very helpful.

So, thank you.

(Car engine rumbles)

(Rumbles by)

(Slow song plays on radio)

Ahem, well, that went well.

Yeah.

You didn't have to do that.

I just like, hate how
good this cheese is.

Thank you.

That wasn't the most
comfortable situation to be in.

I'm just glad Ted's found
someone so stable and healthy.

You're in love with him, aren't you?

Yes.

Yup.

Moira: I've always had great
affection for the press,

and my fans.

My fans, and the press, so thank you.

Yes! Yes!

(Clothes rustle)

(Jewellery clinks)

(Bird chirping)

(Car engine rumbles)

(Running footsteps)

- (Door opens)
- (Stevie gasps)

- Stevie!
- (Door closes)

Do you happen to know
where the van went?

Uh, yeah, apparently there
was another celebrity death.

Oh, I'm sorry. Who passed?

Um, you know that YouTube video

of the giraffe and the
kitten who are best friends?

Alas, I do not.

Okay, well the giraffe
stepped on the kitten.

Well, of course he did.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I didn't think you
were gonna talk to them.

Oh, uh... you know what, I'm relieved.

Yes, enough of me for one day.

Yeah, well I mean, it's pretty amazing

to see how many people care about you.

- Yeah.
- I mean if I died,

I'd be lucky if 1 person
had something nice to say.

Oh, Stevie. Stevie,

you have years ahead of you
still to collect a cartage

of adoring mourners.

In the meantime, they
will laugh in your face,

and they'll stab you in the back,

but the moment you give up the ghost,

oh they'll all have nothing but
nice things to say about you.

I know I will.

Thank you, Mrs. Rose.
That's very comforting.

And I, for one, am through
with trying to impress people.

I like the outfit you chose.

Well, you were a big help, Stevie.

Heading to the cafe.

It's always nice to dress for dinner.

(Crickets chirp)

Alexis: According to
this, you're alive again.

(David clears throat)

Well, looks like we're back, sweetheart!

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

I guess we should think about
returning some of these gifts?

John, they're perishable.

And excuse me, but
this is the first time

we've heard from most of these people.

These gifts are long overdue.

Oh my God! As if this day
couldn't get any worse.

What?

Cuppy the Kitten's dead.

Oh my god, what happened?

I don't know, I'm reading, David.

He stepped on her?
Weren't they best friends?

'K, Kelly Ripa just tweeted,
she's taking tomorrow off.

Hashtag RIP Cuppy is trending.

Who's Cuppy?

Honestly, what kind of
kitten befriends a giraffe?

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --