All language subtitles for Mom.S05E12

And... here you go, babe.

You made coffee?

(chuckles) Better. Kona.

I was really looking forward to coffee,

but I'll give it a shot.

- Can I push the thing down?
- Not until the duck quacks.

(duck quacking)

Uh. Uh-uh.

And now.

Oh. Oh. Don't cry.

You did good.

No, it's just...

all my life, I've seen people in
TV commercials living like this.

Mm. (chuckles)

I never thought it would happen to me.

Well, it's happening,
and... it's not gonna stop.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

There's gonna be fluffy
robes, fluffy dogs

and push-down coffee forever?

- You want me to lie to you?
- Sure.

(groans) I wish I didn't
have to go home tonight.

Yeah, me, too. But, you know,

it's... it's hours
away. I'll tell you what.

Why don't we take a walk on the beach,

and then we'll warm up on the
pier with some clam chowder.

In sourdough bowls?

Well, they're always
disappointing, but sure.

(timer dings)

Mm. What's that?

Our scones are ready.

Scones? (exhales)

Kiss me, so I know this is
really happening. (chuckles)

♪ Sunshine, lollipops and ♪

♪ Rainbows, everything
that's wonderful ♪

♪ Is what I feel
when we're together ♪

- ♪ Brighter than a lucky penny ♪
- (engine grinding)

♪ When you're near the rain... ♪

(engine knocking, sputtering)

(engine stops)

(steam hissing)

And I'm me again.

(groans)

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

Hamilton. We had tickets to Hamilton.

It was a high school production, Bonnie.

Still a tough ticket.

I'm sorry. I know it's an imposition,

but my car is completely dead.

Why did you call us instead of Patrick?

Because he's a new boyfriend
and everything's perfect.

I don't want him to
know what a mess I am.

You live with your mom
and you're an alcoholic;

those are fairly large bread crumbs.

What'd the mechanic say?

That I should have changed my oil

at least once since I got the car.

You never changed your oil?

I meant to. I even
put a Post-it in my car

that said “change oil.”

And then I put my gum in it,
and that was five years ago.

How are you gonna get by without a car?

- I thought maybe my mom...
- Nope!

- Please?
- My car has 400,000 miles on it.

One week with your crazy
schedule, and it'll just be me

taping you to 50 balloons,
hoping for the best.

Well, can I at least
hitch a ride to meetings?

(sighs) Of course.

But I am listening to
Spanish language tapes,

so you'll have to
shut-o El trap-o.

Christy, I'd lend you

my van, but it's all
set up for me to drive.

Thanks.
I'll figure something out.

- Watch it.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Ow!
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I-I have to carry

all my stuff in my
bag; my car broke down.

No one cares!

(brakes hiss)

(shrieks)

Oh, man. Come on, come
on, come on, come on.

- Nope.
- What?

The Warriors are down by
two with three minutes to go,

and every time you come in
this room, Steph Curry misses.

I got up to make you a sandwich.

And the minute you left,
he nailed a three-pointer.

You're insane. Steph's
open. Take the shot!

Oh, you're killing me!

Do you know how many
babies throw up on the bus?

All of them.

They ought to change the song.

♪ The babies on the
bus throw up, up, up. ♪

Are you having dinner?

Nope. I've got 15 minutes
to wash this day off of me,

change my clothes, and
head out to Patrick's.

It's a bus to a train to
another bus, but it's worth it.

Is it? 'Cause you seem
a little stressed out.

Really? You picking
up on that, Dr. Phil?

And, by the way, who goes,

“Hey, I'm on a bus, time
to shave my calluses”?

Wow. Hey.

How about I give you
a ride to the station?

Oh, man. How about you have
this conversation in the kitchen?

'Cause he just missed another shot.

I'm sorry, Steph,
there's two of them now.

Thanks, Mom. That'd be great.

TV ANNOUNCER: ... third
foul of the night...

- (sighs)
- (mutes TV)

You may stand near me; it's a time-out.

She looks awful.

How long can she keep
going on like this?

I don't know. She's pretty tough.

For one whole year,
she slept in a drawer.

- A lot of babies sleep in drawers.
- No, she was 13.

She fit in a drawer when she was 13?

She fits now.

Listen,

what if I lend Christy the money
for a down payment on a car?

That is so kind of you,

but if you do, I will punch
you right in the throat.

- Why?
- Because I love you.

- What?
- You lend her money,

she can't pay you back,
she starts avoiding you,

you start complaining to
me, I bring it up to her,

she tells me to go to
hell, I get mad at you,

you and I break up, and
I'm stuck with my backup guy

at the tire department at Costco.

You have a backup guy?

Please. Like you wouldn't
drive straight from my funeral

to Trader Joe's to pick up Louise.

(forced chuckle): What?

Is that her name?

Oh, shut up.

Nobody has that many
questions about cheese.

(over ear-buds): ♪ Sunshine, lollipops ♪

♪ And rainbows, everything
that's wonderful ♪

♪ Is what I feel when ♪

♪ We're together,
brighter than a lucky... ♪

You need some help with that?

You need a mascara wand in your eye?

(doorbell rings)

Oh, man.

- There you are.
- Hi.

I was so worried about you.

I mean, I was texting you
for, like, three hours.

- Yeah. Sorry about that.
- That's okay.

Phone died, took a bus, let's get it on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Why were you on a bus?
- Ah, car died.

Didn't change the oil. Let's get it on.

Oh, wait, wait. Hold on.

Y-You took a bus all
the way down from Napa?

And a train and another bus.

- Why are your pants still on?
- Okay, I'm taking my pants off.

Taking them off. But hey, but, uh,

tomorrow we are getting you a car.

- I can't afford a car.
- Well, mm...

Well, that's why I said “we”.
I'll lend you the money.

No, no, no. I appreciate it,

but we're still at the “coffee
and fluffy robe” stage.

- Let's not ruin it.
- No, no, no.

- I know you're good for it.
- Uh, no, I'm not.

- Ah. Cute underwear.
- Uh, thanks. Mm.

They're my “I got me a
new girlfriend” underwear.

Mm-hmm.

What's the matter?

Something sticky in your hair.

Oh, God, that could be anything.

I'm getting worried about
Christy missing meetings.

Ooh. Was I supposed to pick her up?

Oh, well.

Maybe we could take up a collection

and buy her a new car.

Adam offered to float
her a down payment,

but I said, “Never lend
money to a Plunkett.”

They should actually put that on money.

Riding the bus isn't so bad.

Except for that one time

a guy leaned his head
on my shoulder and died.

There was a time I loved taking the bus.

I used to strike up a conversation

with whoever sat down next to me.

Of course you did.

MAN: Hey, lady. You can't sleep here.

What?

What's going on?

End of the line.

Where am I?

Stockton.

Stockton?

Where the hell is Stockton?

Thank you so much for picking me up.

I know it was a long drive.

Yeah, two hours.

Gonna be two hours back, too, so...

that's a total of four hours.

I am so sorry.

- Cheesy peanut butter cracker?
- Uh, sure.

Vending machine dinner?

I wish. I found 'em on an empty seat.

Open or closed?

Closed. I'm not an animal.

It's probably not my place,

and I don't mean to offend you, but...

I've been thinking, how 'bout I loan you

some money for a down payment on a car?

Great. Is there a
dealership open right now?

Whoa. I had a whole thing
prepared to talk you into it.

Well, waking up in Stockton

smacked the pride right out of me.

But we have to keep it on the DL,

because Patrick offered
me a loan, and I said no.

Yeah, let's keep it
away from your mom, too.

She shot me down when I brought this up

a couple of weeks ago.

What? Why'd she shut you down?

She said it was a bad idea to loan money

to anyone in your family.

Oh, she's right.

What you're doing is stupid,

and two grand should get it done.

The kick is up... oh, and it's good!

(imitating crowd cheering)

Hey, Baxter?

Oh, God, what did I do?

Nothing. I want to buy a car.

Can you just tell me why you're
mad and skip the mind games?

I'm not here as your ex. I
really do want to buy a car.

You know, they cost money.

And I have some.

Well, then, come right in!

Can I get you a
complimentary cappuccino?

Hot chocolate? Chicken soup?

They all come out of the
same machine; it's a miracle.

Just the car, thanks.

I want a new one with
buttons and seat heaters

and a working turn signal.

But it still has to be really
cheap, so I need a deal.

Where'd you get the money?

Oh, God.

Christy, are you gambling again?

And if so, who do you like
tonight, Sharks or Calgary?

I'm not gambling, and
only idiots bet on hockey.

Well, WNBA season
doesn't start for a while.

Oh. I know what's happening here.

Your new little boyfriend
is underwriting this dream.

Hey, that's offensive.

I got the money from my mom's boyfriend.

My new guy offered, and I said no.

That is nothing to be proud of.

Be like me.

Find someone rich that you
don't hate, and kick back.

You're still cute enough
to nab a sugar daddy.

I should have gone to Nissan.

Yeah, those are great cars.

Face it, you and me, we're arm candy.

Got to use it before you lose it.

So you're saying I should
drain everything I can

out of my boyfriend
before I become an old hag?

Ticktock.

I always heard about
this new-car smell.

(chuckles) I never knew it was real.

- Can you smell it?
- I can.

- And?
- Uh, definite upgrade.

Yeah, I just couldn't
get that wet-dog smell

out of my old car.

Oh, yeah, you had a dog?

Nope. Therein lies the mystery.

- Ooh, ooh, check this out.
- (horn honks)

(laughs) I don't have
to roll down the window

and yell “honk honk” anymore.

(chuckles) That's great, babe.

Where'd you get the money?

My ex-husband sells cars,

and he also loaned me the down payment.

Ooh, check this out. Satellite radio.

Do you want to hear the
Canadian comedy channel?

H-Hold on. So, uh, you
wouldn't take money from me,

but you took it from your ex-husband?

Yeah, because that relationship's

already burned down.

Has it? I mean, what's this
guy doing loaning you money?

- He's just a good guy.
- Well, I'm a good guy,

but I don't write my ex
any checks I don't have to.

So, does he want to get
back together with you?

Oh, God, no.

Trust me, we tried a couple
times; it did not work out.

- A couple of times?
- Not recently.

- Ah. Well, when?
- Not since he got engaged.

Wait, not since he got married.

You know, this story's
not getting better.

Okay, look,

I promised I wouldn't say anything,

but I got the money from your brother.

What?

Let's not make it a thing, okay?

Yeah. (scoffs) Of course not.

(TV playing quietly)

Where do you get off
loaning my girlfriend money?

You did what?!

- I thought it wasn't a thing!
- Nice job keeping a secret!

I had to tell him; he thought
I was sleeping with my ex.

You're sleeping with Baxter again?

No!

No!

All right, we're cleaning this up.

How much did you loan her?
'Cause I'm giving it back

to you right now with interest.

- No, do not take his money.
- Oh, I'm not taking his money.

- Well, somebody's taking my money.
- We could use a new fridge.

Consider it done. Blank
check, there you go.

You lend my girlfriend money,

I lend your girlfriend money.

How's that feel?

Great. Finally my beer will be cold.

Patrick, you cannot
give money to my mom.

Especially a blank check.

She'll have a black wig and
new fingerprints by sundown.

Look, your woman had
a problem, I solved it.

Don't get all threatened.

His woman? Screw you.

Screw you!

Screw both of you!

Excuse... excuse me. I think
I need to sit down for a minute.

- You okay?
- Yeah, it's just everybody's fighting,

and nobody's mad at me.

I-I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

- Hey, Baxter.
- Hey.

- Sorry to interrupt your lunch.
- Don't be.

Candace made me a kale and salmon wrap.

She fooled me 'cause it
looked like a burrito.

Thanks for taking the car back.

I only put ten miles on it,

but they were the happiest
ten miles of my life.

Ugh. Good-bye, sweet silver sedan.

Take it.

Rip the Band-Aid off.

Christy, I'm not taking the car back.

Unbelievable.

You promised.

You are the most selfish,

unreliable person I've ever met,

and that includes my mother.

And why the hell are you smiling?!

'Cause you're gonna feel
so terrible in a second.

What does that mean?

I'm buying you the car.

What?

Look, we always focus on
the bad stuff you did to me,

but I did a lot of bad things to you.

I would disappear for days on end,

I smoked your weed, I
slept with your friends.

Friends? I thought it was one.

One friend six times,
six friends one time.

The point is...

over the years, I've watched you

make up for all the
bad stuff you did wrong,

and I found it really inspiring.

So, this is me making
an amendment to you.

It's actually called an “amends.”

Dude, I'm giving you a
free car. Get off my ass.

You're right. I'm sorry.

But isn't Candace going to be upset

about you spending money on me?

Eh, she'll never know.

I had a secret
start-a-new-life fund,

but then I realized, who am I kidding?

Money's turned me into a house cat.

Thank you, Baxter. Oh...

Oh.

Wait.

You're not doing this

so you can sleep with me, are you?

Christy, I'm married.

So only if you insist.

- I'm good.
- Cool, cool.

You know, Baxter was
kind of a dick to me, too.

You think I can get a car?

Maybe you can get an oil change,

like the one I'm getting
in, uh, 2,981 miles.

- (chuckles)
- Whoa, whoa. A granola bar?

Why don't you just saw
a piece of wood in here?

So I guess it's a no on
this incredibly ripe peach?

How are you gonna tell
Patrick about the car?

Mm. I ran him by the
dealership to meet Baxter,

who was hiding from his
boss in a large tire.

Patrick's no longer threatened.

Well played. (chuckles)

Son of a bitch!

Can I eat my peach now?

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --