Original subtitles

Here's Amber, everybody, Amber, come on out.

( Audience booing )

Larry?

Hey.

Just, just move, just a little bit?

I asked you to be ready when I got back.

Well, I'm...

Have you even moved since I left this morning?

Yes, of course, what are you talking about?

I got up, I got up to tip room service.

Larry...

Come on, that's funny.

No, it's not funny.

It might have been funny a week ago,

but enough is enough.

Every time I walk in you're just sitting here

with your chips and your cookies and watching...

Maury.

You know, listen,

we've got to meet that woman in a few minutes.

So, you need to get dressed so we can go look at that house.

Let me just finish.

No, you need to get dressed now.

No, because they're gonna go to boot camp

and I want to see which ones get rehabilitated.

Get up, please get up.

They break them down and they cry.

And then when they're done with the boot camp,

they're all better.

Have you just retired

and this is what you're gonna do for the rest of your life

and you're never going to work again?

Of course I'm gonna work again!

When? I don't know!

You're in the prime of your life!

I'm gonna work when something comes up that I want to do.

I would really like for you to get dressed

so we can go look at this house.

Fine, thank you.Fine.

Alright, here's Britney, Britney, come on out.

Look at that girl come out, look.

You don't know me, you don't know me!

Yeah, you all go fuck yourself!

That's right, yeah, come on!

Come on, come one, yeah, fuck you, fuck you!

No, fuck you!

It's big.

Boy, it's really big.

I think it's a little too big.

Look at the size of this place, are you kidding me?

It's perfect.

Perfect? Yeah.

This is like for the osmonds, this place.

I didn't know why had to sell the old place.

Just 'cause of the wire?

That wire was making me crazy.

That's not a reason to move.

That is a reason to move, when you can't get rid of it.

Oh, there's the real estate agent.

( Female ) hi.

Hi.

I don't know why we had to leave the hotel.

I love the hotel.

I cannot live there any longer, it's not a house.

You get the room service, the wake-up calls.

When do you use the wake-up calls?

You never leave.

Naps.

Oh, my god.

Hello. Hi.

Hello, hello, isn't this beautiful?

Yes, we were just...

It's awfully big.

It's very exciting, you're going to love it.

So, here's the scoop.

They are highly motivated sellers.

I think this one's a slam dunk.

If you like it, we'll go back and write an offer.

And I asked them about the cash.

They were totally open to a cash offer.

So, that is the absolute best.

Yeah? Yeah.

So, you could maybe be in here in days.

Days, how's... what, days?

Oh, they bought another house.

So, they are ♪ssso ready to mov.

( Knocking )

Hello, hi, Susan.

Hi, how are you?

Good, how are you?

Barbara Schneider, Cheryl and Larry David.

Hello, hi.

Oh, my gosh, is that the ocean?

Oh, yeah.

You get used to that in two days.

Come on in.

Oh, this is gorgeous.

Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

( Barbara ) we have vaulted ceilings.

Very spacious.

Beautiful.

What about this furniture, it's fantastic, isn't it?

Yeah, it fits perfectly in this room.

Beautiful.

Beautiful house.

Really beautiful.

Thank you, and this is our amazing view.

Breakfast every morning, sunrise.

Oh, I love the sea.

My father was a fisherman, an Italian fisherman.

Yeah, from the old country.

You know, this morning, you're going to love this.

I saw a whale breach.

I've never seen that here before, it's very rare.

Can you shoot the whales from the terrace?

What?

'Cause I like to have blubber for breakfast.

Don't pay attention to him.

No, pay attention.

Okay.

Are these the new suckers?

Larry David, Jay Schneider.

I would call you when you were at "Seinfeld".

I was working at the William Morris agency.

I would call him up and pitch my clients.

How you doing? Jay Schneider.

Hi, I'm Cheryl.

Nice to meet you.

You're not gonna believe this, I just signed Jason Alexander.

You're kidding, really?

Two months ago, we're two months into it.

He's phenomenal, I'm a lucky guy.

A tremendous actor.

Unbelievable.

How's he doing?

Honestly, he's kind of struggling right now.

Is that right?

Everybody wants George Costanza.

You know what, he's nothing like George.

He's nothing at all like George.

He's the antithesis, 'cause Jason is brilliant,

and George is an idiot, just an imbecile and, you know.

It's just tough to branch out with that.

The range of characters this guy can do.

You think he's an idiot, huh?

It's the classic barnacle.

But, you know, every sitcom needs that.

What have you been up to?

Nothing.

Yeah, I bet.

You got any ideas? Got anything coming down the pike?

I've got ideas, but I choose not to carry them out.

I say we team up you and Jason again.

Let's get you guys in a meeting.

You should call him.

You're not doing anything, let's take a meeting.

Yeah, you're not doing anything.

Let's sit down and just kick around,

kick around some ideas.

( Cheryl ) I think it's a good idea.

Don't want to push.

Nice sweater.

Thank you, thank you, it's cashmere.

Really?

It's not for sale.

That's cashmere?

100%.

It's nice, yeah.

Well, let's go see the rest of the place.

Yeah, yeah, let's see the rest of it.

I love it.

I really, I think it's perfect.

Larry, did you love it?

I liked it. You thk it's perfect?

I really like it, it's a nice house.

It's big, but I like it.

Alright, that's all I needed.

And the master bedroom?

I love the master bedroom.

I love the downstairs, I love the fireplace.

Let me ask you something,

did you notice that when I asked him about the sweater

he said it was 100% cashmere?

There's no way that sweater's 100% cashmere.

It's, like, maybe 35, 40, 50 at the most,

but 100?

That can't be...

Sooner the better, I'm ready to...

Wait a second, I mean, do you trust this guy...

'cause the guy's lying about a cashmere sweater.

You feel comfortable with that?

We're not buying a sweater, we're buying a house.

Okay, listen, we have to talk about how much to offer.

Absolutely...

What kind a person lies

about a percentage of cashmere in his sweater?

You know, uh, fake cashmere and all,

I do think it's a good idea for you to work with Jason.

I just, you know, I love Jason.

I just don't want to go back and do TV now.

Oh, come on, TV's a great medium.

Too much work.

Too much work? You have to work.

It's a pain in the ass, I can't do it.

No, you need to work, you need to work.

I'm married, that's plenty of work.

Okay, but you need to start writing.

Just, you know, I think for your own good, for your own sanity.

Why, I'm not insane.

You think I'm insane?

Listen, Richard Lewis wants me to manage him.

Really.

Yeah, but I need you to be honest with me.

Oh, sure.

No, really honest with me.

Okay.

Is he a high maintenance guy?

What, are you kidding?

So, his act is pretty close to...

Well, yeah, but so what?

I'm gonna sign him, that's cool, you like that.

Oh, good.

I can't believe he didn't even mention that to me.

Hey, Tom.

How are you, man?

Jeff, hi, good to see you.

Good to see you, too.

Tom Clark, Larry David, Larry David, Tom Clark.

Larry David, nice to meet you.

Tom, sit down, man.

Tom sold me my Toyota sequoia.

Oh, Toyota of Hollywood?

Toyota of Hollywood, yeah.

So, you're a car, you're a car dealer?

Dealer, yeah.

But I like to sell, too.

Do you?

Somebody special comes in, a big wig...

He's a big wig?

Yeah, he manages.

That's good, I'm managed by a big wig.

What do you drive?

I drive a prius.

You're happy with the prius, though.

Very happy, and the prius is extremely happy with me.

Let me ask you a question.

How does somebody become a car salesman?

Do you have to have a lot of experience to do something like that?

It was in my blood, yeah.

It takes years to be a car salesman.

You know, I always felt I could be a great salesman.

Well, you gotta have the gift.

Believe me, I could talk anybody into anything.

Except women into sex, that's the only thing I can't do.

But other than that, I know how to manipulate people, I'm very good at it.

Car salesmen are not bullshit.

No, of course, they're not.

We're an honest pack, between ourselves especially.

But to be honest with you, I like to make money.

But I love to sell cars, I really do.

If I wanted to do that for one day...

Sell cars.

Yeah, just for a day.

Huh?

I don't think so.

I just want to see if I could do it.

'Cause I always thought that I'd be great at it.

But you can't do it, you're a writer.

What do you do?

( Jeff ) do you know who he is?

That's Larry David, he created "Seinfeld".

Oh.

Okay?

Forget that, I just want to try it for a day.

I think that would be great.

Come in and work for me.

Maybe I'll do it for two or three days.

What're you doing?!

What are you talking about?

Wait a second, what do you care?

What do I care?!

What if I'm good at it?

What if you're good at it?

Yeah.

You're not gonna sell a car the first day.

Let me tell you something, I guarantee you

I will sell more cars than anybody in your showroom,

guarantee it.

You won't sell a car the first day.

Nobody does it the first day.

You'll see, okay, fine.

You know what, I'll tell you what.

Come by, get some brochures, you know where we are.

I'll get the brochures, I'll study up

and I'll learn everything, don't worry about it.

I'll have it down when I get there.

Uh, come by on Monday?

I really appreciate this,

because this is like a little fantasy that I have.

This'll be great, Monday morning.

You got it.

Okay, great.

Thank you.

I'm pretty excited.

Oh, my gosh, that's wonderful.

No, no, that is no problem.

Oh, Larry just walked in, can't wait to tell him.

Okay, bye.

You're not gonna believe this.

We can move into the house on Monday.

Really?

Yeah, it's all done.

So fast?

Yeah, it was a cash deal, there was no escrow.

They've already moved their stuff out, we're ready.

Oh, so, make sure that you are clear on Monday,

which I'm sure is not going to be a problem for you.

I actually can't do it on Monday.

Why?

I got a job.

You did?!

Oh, well, that's good, did you call Jason?

I'm selling cars.

What?

I was having lunch today with a guy who owns a Toyota showroom.

He sold Jeff some cars and, uh...

So, now you're going to be a car salesman?

Yeah, you know, he said I could try it.

What is wrong with you?!

Why? What?!

You've committed to this?

It's only for, like, a couple of days.

Or however long I want to do it, you know.

I just want to get it out of my system...

Well, you can't do it on Monday.

Well, I have to do it on Monday.

I have to show up for my first day at work.

What, am I supposed to call in sick?

That's not gonna fly.

Prius, huh? That's ours, that's easy.

Uh, can I help you?

What do you think?

Uh, excuse me, sir,

perhaps the land cruiser would interest you.

And we have, uh, corolla, canola,

and, uh, rave, is it rav?

This is so stupid.

Why is it stupid?

It's insane.

Some people, they run in marathons,

they want to see if they can do that.

Other people, what, they swim the english channel.

All I want to do is work in a showroom for a little while.

So, what's the big deal? Who's more insane?

And then on Monday when I come home from work,

I'll help with the pictures or whatever you need me

to help around the house with.

I'll help when I come home.

But I'll be a little tired, too, probably.

Yeah, hey, Alan, guess what.

Larry David just walked in.

Who you talking to?

Alan.

Really? Yeah.

Say hello for me.

Okay, you take care, I'll talk to you later.

Hey, man, how ya doing?

It's great to see you.

How come you didn't say hello?

There wasn't an opening.

Boy, you look, great.

Oh, well, yeah.

Come sit down, come sit down.

You want, uh, water or a coffee or...?

Uh, naw, I'm good.

Okay.

So, so, so, l.D.

Yeah?

What it be?

I like how our representatives got us together here.

Right, Schneider, yeah.

They set us up.

Did he tell you that I was buying his house?

Yeah, wow.

So, this is good, how's everything going?

Things are, you know, things are good.

I don't know, I've got this set up and, uh,

did some directing and trying to produce some stuff.

You know, the acting thing is, frankly coming a little hard.

I'd love to go back to TV, that seems good.

But I can't shake this George thing.

They all see me as George.

The thing about it is that you're not even close to George.

I tell this to people all the time.

You can't imagine what a great actor this guy is.

He is nothing like that character.

Thank you, thank you.

I know, and, you know, I go in and I talk to them

and we, you know, I try to present differently.

But they, uh, they see the idiot,

they see the schmuck, so, I don't know.

Well, what do you mean schmuck, I don't get that.

What do you mean schmuck?

The yutz, the idiot, the, you know.

You know, you know.

No, frankly I don't know.

I don't know why you can say he's a schmuck and a yutz and an idiot.

I don't see him that way at all, I just see him as funny.

I mean, of course, it was funny.

But he was the fall guy, the jackass role.

This is the guy that never got the girl

and he finally gets the girl and he kills her

with the envelope, and, uh, doesn't know what he wants.

That's funny, that's not schmucky, that's funny.

What is more jerky or putzy

than going to a girl's house

and stealing a tape out of her answering machine?

I went to a girl's house

and took a tape out of an answering machine.

Larry, he's eating eclairs out of a garbage can?!

Yeah, so what, I ate an eclair out of a garbage can!

And, masturbation contests, four people agreeing...

I was in a contest

and you know I was in that masturbation contest!

So, I'm a schmuck for being in a masturbation contest?

It's not an incredibly noble experiment, was it?

Well, I'm sorry that you hate the character so much.

I don't hate the character, I'm a little tired of it.

I mean, I'm an actor.

I have a range of characters that I can play.

Why am I relegated to this?!

Everywhere I go on the street, "hey, Costanza",

"hey, jackass."

I just had this, I just had this idea.

I don't know, I'll throw it out at you, okay?

For a series, an idea for a series, okay?

You played a character based on what you're going through now.

In other words, you play an actor

and the actor is having a tough time getting work

because he was on this mega-hit series,

like a "Seinfeld" kind of series,

and now this actor, after the series goes off the air,

he can't get work anymore

because he's so identified with this character

that they won't let him do anything else.

And he becomes embittered and grows to hate the character.

That's pretty funny.

That's pretty funny.

You sonofabitch, you, that's pretty damn good.

Alright, let's do it, let's do it.

Come on, let's go, you wanna do it?

I'd like to, I kind of...

I'm kind of, I'm actually working.

You working on another thing, another show or something?

Um, I'm selling cars.

I start on Monday.

( Phone )

Hello?

Bye. Bye.

Hey, see you in the new house.

Okay.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Anything else you have?

Um, if I'm closing in on something, price, always come to you.

You really do have to come back and talk to me.

Okay.

Just, um, have fun.

Alright, thank you.

The cars sell themselves.

I'll see you at lunch.

Hi, I'm Larry.

Hi, Larry, Archie.

You know what? My wife's name is Veronica.

So, this is the, uh, camry I heard about, huh?

This is the big boy, the top of the line.

This is as good as it gets.

You know, you hear Lexus, Lexus, Lexus.

We don't hear camry, camry, but that's what you should be hearing.

Well, tell me, what's in the engine here?

What's in it?

Big stuff, big charging, crazy pistons, nutty pistons.

Is it twin cam?

Yeah, twin cam.

What other colors...

This is a fuckin' work of art.

What's your name?

Shirley.

Shirley, that's my mother's name.

Uh, tilt wheel steering, which I really like.

Does this car have that? Is it standard?

You know, you don't have the need to tilt in this car.

I've never had a tilting need.

My wife calls it peppy, "are we taking peppy?"

'Cause we have two cars, she says, "let's take peppy".

What kind of gas mileage am I going to get?

52.

52 in the city.

Depending on the city, of course.

Duluth is a city, it's considered a city,

but it's not as big as Brooklyn or whatever.

Okay.

That's my brother's name.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

What's the wheel base?

My wife is concerned about a car being solid.

It's a thick base, it's a thick wheel base.

I heard that these, uh, suvs,

that they, sometimes they roll over rather easily.

Roll over, are you kidding?

Look at this thing, look at this.

( Alarm going off )

Dana.

Dana, that's my middle name, Larry Dana David.

Uh, I notice this is a gt,

and the brochure says there's a model called the gts.

Now, what, what is the difference between the gt and the gts?

The gts is "guaranteed tremendous safety".

So, without the "s", it's just "guaranteed tremendous".

How you doing?

Hi, can I help you folks?

Apheon.

Apheon.

That's my step-brother's name, apheon.

( P.A. announcement )

That might be for me, one second.

No, okay.

I want to find out more about the car.

I want to see what the features are so we can negotiate...

Don't be acting like

you going to put a whole bunch of stuff back here.

What you need a big car for?

I don't need to talk myself, I like this car.

Okay, could you excuse us for one second?

What the hell are you doing over here?

You're fucking up my shit, man.

Why you pushing so hard to get this, uh...

Because she likes the car, she wants to be happy in the car.

Maybe she won't be able to afford the car

if she takes it off the lot.

Is there somebody else who could help me with this car?

Look, sir, I'm sorry, thank you.

I'm really not interested in buying today, okay?

What? What are you doing? Shirley?

Ever seen the "Seinfeld" show?

Yeah.

I'm the co-creator of the show.

No, it's true.

Please, buy one, please?

You'll sell a lot of them, you're a good salesman.

Cheryl?

Hi!

Isn't this weird, coming home to your new house?

Yeah, hi.

Oh, hey, so, how did it go today?

Pretty good.

Really?

Yeah.

Did you sell a lot of cars?

Well, you know, that's not how the business works.

No?

No, you know, you don't just sell them.

People, they think about it and they're, you know,

you get back in touch with them and...

Are you, uh, over it now?

You know, what does that mean?

The whole car selling thing.

No, I'm not going to quit just after one day, you know,

I want to do it right.

I want to show them I can do it.

Okay.

But, I'll tell you, it's exhausting.

Tell me, I have been unpacking all day.

House seems different than it did the other day.

Yeah, it's definitely different.

It feels strange, that's all.

Maybe after we, uh, hang everything up

and finish unpacking.

Maybe, I don't know.

( Strange noise )

What's that noise?

Do you hear a noise?

Yeah.

What is it?

It's probably just a house sound or something.

A house sound?

Yeah.

What's a house sound?

You know, noises that a house makes?

Houses make noises?

Yeah, plumbing or just, it's settling.

What? Settling?

I can't, I can't sleep with that.

You'll get used to it, just ignore it.

Our last house didn't make any sounds.

Yes, it did, you'll get used to this.

Well, I don't know, this is coming from somewhere.

I'm going to be up all night with this thing.

Gotta be fresh in the morning.

Told you I didn't trust that Schneider.

He didn't say anything about a house sound.

( Strange noise continues )

And it's like, it's like you're driving a bus up there.

Yeah, looking over the traffic.

Didn't you used to envy bus drivers?

Oh, yeah.

With the big round steering wheel like that.

Makes you, gives you a little ego boost.

Oversee the traffic.

Yeah, that's right.

You've got a great view.

You know what? I think I'm ready to buy.

Oh, no kidding.

Yeah.

Oh, great.

You get the wood grain, we might do this today.

We could get some wood grain.

What, what's so hard about getting wood grain?

Wood.

Wood grain is not going to stop us from...

That's what I like to hear.

This is a joke, right?

Could you please excuse us for a minute?

I'm talking to somebody.

This is a practical joke, right?

A practical joke? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Would please excuse us for a second?

I'm talking to somebody here.

I'll meet you outside.

Excuse who?

Excuse me, just wait outside, okay?

Go outside, go outside, okay?

Larry...

I'm with a customer, do you see I'm with somebody?

You're with a customer, you're selling cars to this...

Sir, sir!

( Male ) I'll come back another time.

Forget him.

You just cost me a customer.

You just cost me a customer!

You cost me a customer.

I had him!

How can you have a customer?

I was about to take him into the manager's office.

What are you, fuckin' Willy loman?

What are you doing here?!

I'm doing business in here!

I just came from Jeff's office.

He tells me you're down here selling cars,

which I say, it's gotta be a fuckin' joke.

But what I'm really fuckin' down here is for,

you tell him that I'm high maintenance?

He's my manager now,

what if he goes to a studio, to the palm or spago

and tells studio people, like, "I love Richard but he's high maintenance"?

And what if he does?

I spent, like, seven years getting my life together

and now all of sudden they can think I'm like a fuckin',

you know, sex maniac or drinking again.

Oh, no, you won't get the remake "from here to eternity".

People, I thought I had dark secrets?

What the hell is this all about?

It's not a dark secret.

Larry David selling cars is not a dark secret?

Is that a cashmere sweater?

This guy had the same one.

Of course it's a cashmere sweater.

Is that 100% cashmere?

What are you doing here, Larry?

Is that 100% cashmere?

What, you don't believe me?

Would you mind if I check the label?

I just want to...

My word's not good enough for you?

Let me just take a look,

I don't like people touching me.

I won't touch you, I'll just take...

Stop it!

I want you to call Jeff...

You call Jeff and tell him I'm not high maintenance.

What the hell is going on here?

That's it, Larry, you're fired.

Happy?

Oh, Christ.

I had that, I had that sale.

I'm happy for you, Larry.

I had that guy.

You're fired.

I locked him up and I wish you could have heard it.

It was beautiful.

Leave.

Hi.

Hello!

What are you doing home so early?

I got fired.

You did?

I got the boot!

Why'd you get fired?

I got 86'ed.

He's checking for the house sound.

Yeah, hi, I'm Jim.

Hi, I'm Larry.

Uh, yeah, I've checked all over the house

and I can't find the house sound that you were talking about.

Tell him what it sounds like again, Larry.

It's like a camera whirring.

You sure it's not the ocean?

It's not the ocean, I know the ocean.

Um, sorry, I just haven't found anything.

You know what, you don't really hear it very well until after 10:00 at night.

You know, when we're in bed, that's when I hear it.

I don't hear it during the day.

Is there any way you can come back tonight?

Wait, uh, what?

Yeah, I could, yeah, I just have to, uh,

call and get a sitter.

Great.

Yeah, if it's trouble.

It's no trouble.

He just says he has to call and get a sitter.

Yeah, that's no problem, I can just do that.

Well, it makes perfect sense to me.

Why don't we discuss this and we will let you know, okay?

Okay.

( Strange noise )

Hey, um, I think I'm going to call Jason Alexander tomorrow.

You are? Oh, that is good news.

You like that?

We'll go over the show, and...

Oh, that's so good.

Maybe pitch it to some networks or something.

Why not? Look at you, back in the saddle.

Maybe I'll call him right now.

You can't call him now, it's 10:45.

It's 45 minutes past the cutoff.

So what, you get like an hour dispensation for good news.

Who told you that?

Who told me that? It's common knowledge.

What are you talking about?

Oh, that's common knowledge?

Complete common, everybody knows that.

Well, look what happens with deaths and babies,

you go all night.

Well, this isn't a baby.

Well, it's still good news.

( Jim ) quiet, quiet, quiet!

Sorry!

It's news that can wait till the morning.

( Whispering ) shut up, he's trying to work in there.

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