Original subtitles

( Whispering )

I'm so sorry.

Thank you so much for coming.

It's so good to see you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

( Female ) oh, gosh, thank you, thank you.

Larry, I'm so sorry about your aunt.

Oh, you know what? It was Cheryl's aunt.

But thank you.

Did you fly in from Florida?

No, no, no,

her sister and her sister's boyfriend and her parents flew in.

I live here.

Oh, I see.

Condolences.

Nice service.

Yeah.

Thanks for the hotel room.

I appreciate that.

Please, my pleasure.

It's, uh, I was gonna ask you,

is that mini bar,

is that included with the whole thing?

Sure, whatever you want.

Oh, great.

Yeah, help yourself.

Some M&M's, you know, toblerone.

I don't drink.

It's chocolate.

How's, uh, how's Cheryl holding up?

I think she's okay.

Yeah.

Cut my finger this morning trying to put that, uh,

make a hole in my belt.

So I must have lost weight or something.

It's killing me.

Well, uh, it's a good family.

Yeah, they're very nice.

Becky's a nice girl, right?

Becky? Yeah, she's a doll, she's really sweet.

How, how long did you date before

you and Cheryl got married?

Not that long, really.

We were friends for awhile and then, you know,

after we had intercourse we got married very quickly.

Becky really wants to get married.

And uh, I'm just not, I'm not into it.

And, uh, the day that we got the call,

I was actually gonna break up,

I was over there to break up with Becky.

Holy cow, so you flew out here

and you wanted to already be free.

I missed it...

Like, by five minutes.

Oh, my gosh.

And then you couldn't do it after she killed herself.

What do think would be the appropriate time

for somebody to wait 'til they...?

Uh-huh.

'Til I tell her?

If it was her mother, I would say you'd have to

go back on the plane and wait maybe six days.

A week.

For an aunt?

For an aunt who doesn't even live where you live,

who you don't see that often,

I think you could do it when you get home,

when you get back, when you get back to Florida.

What should I say? I mean...

Just tell her you're not happy.

That's very good, that works.

I've never actually used it myself, but I think it works.

Okay.

I've got a breath problem, what...?

No, I thought I saw a bug, that's creepy.

Aright, listen, we never had this conversation, by the way.

No.

Okay?

I won't say anything.

( Fly buzzing )

Thanks for your advice.

Wow, I think I got the heat, uh,

turned down a bit.

What were you and Craig talking about?

Louise.

Is he okay?

Oh, yeah.

You would be very surprised how broken up he is about this.

He's been very, very quiet for several days.

That's so sweet.

The service was wonderful, wasn't it?

Yeah, it worked out nicely.

Well, thank you.

You know what? Hey, listen, you guys, um,

I want you to know if you want to stay

a couple of extra days in the house,

that's fine, don't worry about it.

You could stay another day in the hotel.

Oh, that's really nice.

Stay there a night or two.

Yeah, one night.

That would be nice, because we hate flying.

Neither of us like to fly.

Yeah, hey, nobody likes to fly.

I don't even like to drive.

And I don't like walking.

So occasionally, I don't really know

what mode of transportation to...

I don't know if we can do anything about this,

but we were a little upset that there was no obituary.

Oh, wow, I didn't even think of that.

Like she didn't have a life out here, you know?

It sort of makes it real.

You know, my friend, uh, my manager

actually knows somebody at the paper.

I'll bet I could get something in there for you.

That would be so good.

That'd be really sweet.

You know what? I'll write it myself.

I'll take care of the whole thing.

No problem.

There's anything you want to add,

you just tell me about it, and I'll get it in.

It's not gonna be funny, is it?

Mom, please.

( Mom ) well, that's what he does.

No, it's not gonna be funny.

It'll be very tasteful and appropriate.

Don't worry, it'll be fine.

He's just a writer, he can do anything.

Thank you so much.

We love you, Larry.

I love you, too.

Hey.

Hey!

Sorry I'm late.

Hey, it's understandable.

It's very hard to extricate myself from Warner's.

Why are you still wearing the tie?

You don't have to wear it anymore.

I don't know.

If I didn't have to, I wouldn't.

Well, I mean, once you've got the outfit on,

you might as well just wear it to its completion.

Maintain the outfit.

"To its completion."

Yeah.

Hey, so you think you can take care of this,

this obituary thing?

Really? Done deal, man.

4:00 is the deadline.

You get it to me by 4:00 and I'll get it to him.

I'll fax it over.

No problem. Thanks so much.

Very nice of you.

Oh, well, it's my pleasure.

That'll score some big points with the family.

How did she die?

Killed herself.

No, she didn't.

Killed herself...

Why?

Why? Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note.

That is so rude, isn't that?

That's really rude.

I mean, if you leave your house for 10 minutes

to go get a container of milk,

you tell somebody where you went, don't you?

I leave my wife a note before I go anywhere.

Yeah, would it have killed her to leave a note?

I don't know.

Uh, my mom's in town with my dad.

It's her birthday.

It'd be great,

considering all that's gone down between you and my parents,

if, for my mom's birthday, you got her a little gift, a little something.

Doesn't matter what it is, it's a nice gesture.

It really is.

Any ideas?

No.

Okay.

Good.

Hey, let's do this obituary thing, okay?

Alright.

You have a pad?

Okay. Yeah, I got a pad.

Um, Louise hoenin.

H-o-e-n-i-n.

Devoted sister,

beloved aunt.

Died of undisclosed causes...

It only took us about 20 minutes, door to door.

Did very well.

( Male ) yeah, that's unusual.

I wasn't worried

because I have unlimited mileage on my rental car.

I wouldn't care how long it was.

( Male ) that's good.

We were surprised the freeway was virtually empty.

You can really get stuck in traffic for hours.

Yeah.

Sometimes it gets so bad you can hardly breathe.

I'm glad I don't live here.

Do you think Becky's coming down pretty soon?

Oh, I think so.

She's been on the phone all morning with her, uh,

boyfriend, well, now her ex-boyfriend.

He broke up with her last night and...

Isn't that awful?

I mean, what kind of timing... It's unbelievable.

( Female ) lousy.

So I think I'm gonna go out for awhile.

Is that okay?

Where are you going?

I was thinking about playing some golf.

Are you joking?

Well, I'm not contributing anything here.

Yes, you are. I'm detracting.

I'm a minus here, I'm not a plus.

If your aunt died,

I would be right by your side to support you.

Hey, if my aunt killed herself,

I would be encouraging you to leave the house.

I'd say go, go have some fun.

You don't have to stay here and mourn.

I would keep you around to mourn?

You're not going golfing.

Well, I know we're all going to miss Louise.

Oh, yeah.

Very much so.

Mm-hmm.

But we have to continue.

We must go on.

( Larry ) we must go on.

Can't go on.

Must go on.

Well, you know, laughter is a great healer

and you've gotta have a smile.

You know, you get over a lot of things that way.

Yeah, I once performed for Norman cousins

in his hospital room when he was on his deathbed.

He requested me to do five minutes.

And, uh, I bombed, actually,

and he got much worse

and he had to watch some Marx brothers movies

to actually resuscitate him, but...

You know who's funny? That carrot top.

Have you seen that guy?

He comes on the tonight show once in awhile.

Big mop of red hair.

Oh, my gosh!

The obituary! Do we have the paper?

Oh, yeah, we want to look at that.

Okay.

I'll go get the paper.

No, don't you bother, I've got the car.

You don't even know where it is.

I have unlimited mileage, I can drive anywhere.

No, he knows what he's doing.

It's right around the corner, he'll find it.

I'm sure he will.

Gives him pleasure to use the rental car.

Mm-hmm.

You could move over a little bit now

because he's not sitting there anymore.

Get a little more room here.

Oh, that's okay.

These are pretty good.

Yeah.

How many do you think I can get in my mouth at one time?

Six.

You say six?

( Female ) five.

Three, four.

( As Brando ) look what they did to my Santino.

Gladys, George...

Look what they did.

Oh, sugar.

Oh, no, Becky.

Oh, no.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, what did he say? What happened?

He just kept repeating something about not being happy.

We could've worked through that.

The nerve of this guy!

Jerk.

What kind of timing is this?

I just buried my aunt!

I know.

And he breaks up with me?

You don't do that to somebody, no.

That's so awful.

I mean, he really loved me.

Yeah.

Did he say anything to you?

I know how much he likes you, I just thought maybe...

No, we just, uh, you know,

he talked about aunt Louise and, the mini bar.

The mini bar?

Oh, gosh, oh, gosh.

This is ridiculous.

Where are you going?

I've got to get a birthday present for Jeff's mother.

I'm sorry, I forgot, today's her birthday.

I'll be right back, I'm sorry.

Oh, god, alright, I'm gonna be back in 20 minutes.

Everybody, everybody stay here, okay?

Gladys, you're here, okay, Barbara?

George, right here.

Gladys, I'll be right back.

I'm just gonna get a birthday present.

Half an hour at... 40 minutes at the most.

45 minutes.

( Sobbing )

Um, I'd like to buy a pair of sunglasses.

It's a birthday present.

Okay.

For my friend's mother.

Oh, this one I like a lot.

These are great.

Elizabeth Taylor wears these glasses.

The exact same glasses. You're kidding!

Let me see that mirror over there.

They're very in vogue right now.

They are? Yeah, absolutely.

You see why? Oh, yeah.

I like that.

I think they're perfect.

Beautiful.

Alright.

Really?

Yeah, sure, come on.

Alright, let me get you a case.

I don't fool around.

Give you a case, I'll throw in some lens cleaner.

How would you like to pay for these?

Okay. Credit card.

Um, can you gift wrap these?

No, I'm sorry, we don't wrap.

Well, how would one go about getting this gift wrapped?

Get some wrapping paper and wrap it.

Okay, where would I get the paper?

You know, there's a card store upstairs.

You could maybe go there.

And what about, would they have, you need a scissor, too, right?

A scissor.

You need a scissor to cut the paper, right? And also...

To cut the paper, yeah.

And scotch tape, too, right?

Right.

Do they sell all that in the same store?

No, I don't believe they do.

You could check.

And you might want to...

If you're gonna go get that stuff, you might wanna get a bow.

And a card.

A bow and a card?

Well, yeah, so she knows who the gift is from.

I'm gonna be handing her the gift.

Isn't it obvious who it's from?

You don't have to have a card, I'm just saying.

What a process this is, a bow and a card...

Where do you get the bow and the card?

Is that in the same store as the scissor and the scotch tape?

No, the card...

How many stores are we talking about here?

I really don't know.

Boy, this is very complicated.

( Loud chattering )

( Chattering stops )

What?

What, what?

What?! We got a paper, that's what.

"Devoted sister, beloved cunt"?!

Huh?

That's what you put in the paper?

This is a typo.

That's aunt, it should be aunt!

Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?

No, they have proofreaders at these papers!

The woman leads a decent life and this is how she ends up?

"Beloved cunt"?!

Oh!

My wife is upset!

I'm just glad you weren't in charge of the headstone!

I meant beloved aunt, not beloved cunt!

Larry.

Don't keep saying it!

Please.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

( Muffled yelling )

It's a typo.

Don't you see? It's a typo!

It's a typo, it's aunt!

Cheryl!

Larry...

Hey, Larry, excuse me for a second, Cheryl.

I just got off the phone with Craig and I, uh,

wanted to run this by you, see if it rings any bells.

"It wasn't her mother who died, it was just her aunt.

"You should break up with her today.

You don't look happy, you should break up!"

What?

Yeah, that's what he said!

Oh, my god, did you tell Craig to break up with Becky?

He talked to me at the funeral,

but I told him to wait 'til he got back to Tallahassee!

I didn't say to do it last night at the wake!

Oh, well, never mind!

What is the matter with you?!

He's a bad guy, I was doing you a favor!

Okay, Larry, I think you should just leave!

You mean for tonight?

At least, please.

I am sorry.

Cheryl,

you know how I can get this gift wrapped?

Hey, let me ask you something.

How would one go about getting this gift wrapped?

Um, well, uh, if you, uh,

do you have the paper?

No, I don't have anything.

You could probably go to a stationary store.

Yeah, stationary store for the scissor and the tape,

but you gotta go someplace else for the paper.

Yeah, depending on what kind of paper you want.

I don't give a shit, any kind of paper.

Well then you should probably go to, like, a party store,

where you can get gift wrapping paper,

at, like, a party store.

But they don't have the tape and scissor.

I don't know, they might,

I wouldn't bet on it, I would bring my own.

Well, let me ask you a question.

If I brought the scissor and the tape

to this party store that you're talking about...

Right, they have the paper there.

Would they wrap it for me?

They might, honesty, I don't know

because my wife wraps everything.

But if you bring it with you, if you have it there,

maybe they... I don't know,

if you just tip them or something.

Hey, let me ask you something.

How would you go about getting something like this gift wrapped?

Just go to a hallmark or something.

Yeah, stationary store.

That's for the paper, right?

But they don't have the scissors and the tape.

Yeah, they will.

They got scissors and tape?

Yeah. Really?

Ribbon and bows and cards.

Yeah, they have everything there.

So, hallmark has that whole thing there?

Where's the hallmark?

I don't know.

( Male ) you gotta fix this pump over here.

Alright, forget it, I'm all done here.

You don't know where the hallmark is.

So, mom, I thought maybe tomorrow if you're up to it,

we'd go to the outlet center.

Alright.

Hi! Look who's here.

Hello.

Larry, hi.

Hi.

Be nice.

Hi.

Hi.

Happy birthday.

( Jeff ) hey!

( Wife ) that was sweet of you.

What kind of present is that? Not wrapped nicely.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I looked in stores, I couldn't find any wrapping store.

You know, there's no wrapping stores anywhere?

Oh, my gosh!

Sunglasses!

( Jeff ) wow, look at those.

Oh, my gosh, look at this!

You know what? Elizabeth Taylor wears glasses,

exact, she has the exact same glasses!

You hear that?

I can't use 'em.

I, I have a prescription in my lenses.

I'm sorry.

Alright, no, no, I'll get...

I'll take care of it.

I want to do it, I want to do it.

I'll get lenses put in.

You'll give me your prescription

and we'll make them prescription glasses.

( Jeff ) isn't that nice?

Oh, how did the obit go?

You got a paper?

Yeah, it's over there.

Obituaries...

It's in the back there.

Here, I'll show you how it went.

Here, here's how it went.

"Louise hoenin, devoted sister, beloved cunt"?

( Wife ) what?!

Jeffrey, it says that in the paper?

Let me see this.

That's unbelievable!

I know!

That's unbelievable!

You said aunt, I wrote down aunt!

That's bullshit!

Don't they proofread these things?

I am so sorry.

Oh, god, Larry.

Yeah, I need a letter of apology from your friend...

Retraction, retraction.

What are they gonna say?

"We're sorry we called her a cunt, we meant aunt"?

Point well taken, I'll have them write a letter of apology.

And you, too.

I'll write one, too, I promise.

Yeah, still, to print this.

Cheryl must be so upset.

She kicked me out of the house.

She kicked you out?

Her relatives are there, her parents, friends,

they came after me like a pack of...

I thought they were gonna kill me.

You know what? You'll stay here.

I can't stay here, I have nothing to wear.

I've got plenty of stuff for you to wear!

No, Larry, you'll stay here.

You know, mom and dad are here anyway.

It's no big deal, I'm making a great dinner.

You'll stay here tonight, I'm so sorry.

I think you should call Cheryl and personally apologize.

I will, I will.

Do me a favor.

When I die, let someone else handle the obit, okay?

Hey, how much longer 'til dinner?

Oh, 25 minutes, 30, tops.

Dad, let's go finish the movie, come on.

What movie?

Larry, let me see those glasses again.

Those sunglasses.

Okay, sure.

I can't see through them, but I can get an idea.

They're beauties.

I'm telling you, Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh, wait, wait a minute.

I think I can see my reflection in here.

Oh, wait, hold it, I'll help you out here.

Good.

Uh-huh.

Hmm.

Um, alright, so I'll get the prescription for this thing.

We'll get that taken care of.

It shouldn't take too long, you know?

They look good, though.

See, mom, I told you he's got a very, very sweet side.

( Snickering ) very.

( Knocking )

Yeah?

You gotta go.

What?

You gotta go.

What the hell are you talking about?

You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go.

I copped a feel off your mom, what are you saying to me?!

She's walking around, moping around,

I'm saying, what's the matter?

She said, "Larry touched my bosom

and held it there for several seconds."

Schmuck! Would you listen to me for a second?

What?

We're in the kitchen.

She wanted to try on the sunglasses again, okay?

And she was looking in the toaster

and I picked up the toaster and I was holding the toaster,

and she wanted to get a better look at her face in the toaster

and she leaned against the back of my hand,

and so, I didn't want to just turn...

I didn't want to hurt her feelings by just taking it away fast.

I'm sorry.

She's all freaked out.

You gotta go.

You're kicking me out? Is that what you're doing?

Alright, look, look, look, look, look, look, look...

Set the alarm, do you know how to set the alarm?

Seven A.M.

She rubbed up against the back of my hand!

I believe you, it's not about that!

You think I go around feeling up old ladies?!

I apologized, it's not about that!

Shh, it's not about that.

But listen to me.

You gotta get out of here at seven in the morning.

Alright, I'll be out of here early in the morning.

There's bagels in the kitchen, grab one and get out.

I won't grab anything, I'll just walk out the door.

Your mother thinks I touched her breast?

That is so sick.

It's what she thinks, what do you want me to say?

Sweet dreams.

Sweet dreams.

I'll dream about fucking your mother, sweet dreams.

You!

Shh, quiet.

How dare you.

I didn't do anything.

Let me explain what happened.

What, you think I enjoy that kind of thing?

No, of course not, don't be ridiculous, I didn't do anything.

( Jeff ) this has gotta stop.

Will you please tell her I didn't do anything?

Ma, ma, he didn't do anything.

It was the toaster and the hand.

You rubbed against me.

Shh, you're gonna wake up Sammy.

Shh!

Did you see what he did?

I explained to her it was an accident.

It was an accident.

Oh, how convenient.

It was an accident, you rubbed up against me.

What kind of human being are you?

Yes, you pushed up against my hand!

I didn't do anything!

It was an accident.

You gotta go, you have to go.

I think it's better, Larry.

Okay, ma? He's gonna leave.

Go back to sleep.

Sick person.

( Jeff ) enough of the "sick person", he's not a sick person.

Hey.

I'm really sorry.

This is horrible, I'm so sorry.

Please accept my apology.

Well, I mean, you know, it's not you.

I'll straighten it out tomorrow.

You know, they get a little crazy, my parents.

I'm sorry.

It's an awful thing.

I mean, even when I was dating,

I would wait four months

before I would try and make a breast move, you know?

I understand.

And it wouldn't be in their kitchen

in front of their daughter-in-law and their son...

I know, it's horrible.

I'll take of it all tomorrow, I'll smooth it all over.

Do me a favor.

Let me take care of the sunglasses.

The sunglasses?

Yeah, give them to me, let me take care of them.

You want me to give her a gift now?

You gave it to her.

After this entertaining evening?

You gave it to her.

No, I don't think so.

No, no, no, no.

That's called "Indian giving".

Yes, I know what it's called.

It's a very racist term, but I'm okay with that.

What are you gonna do with them?

What could you possibly do with them?

I'll give them to somebody who likes me.

Where are you going now?

I don't know, I can't go home.

Guess I'll go to a hotel.

Hollywood Roosevelt hotel, how can I help you?

I'll see you this evening, thank you.

Welcome to the Roosevelt, how can I help you?

I'd like a room, please.

I'm very sorry, we're completely filled to capacity this evening.

Okay.

There's a guy in this hotel, his name's Craig Butler.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'm paying for his room.

I don't want to pay for it anymore.

Wake him up, get him out, that's my room.

Okay, um, this room is paid for through tomorrow.

The cards have already been run for this evening,

so he's authorized to be in the room

'til eleven a, m, tomorrow morning, check out time.

Our manager will be happy to work out the bill with you,

if you come back tomorrow, he comes on at ten.

You don't have a room for me in this hotel tonight?

Not one room?

Don't you always keep extra rooms for people?

Not one room.

You're not the first person we've turned away.

I'm frank Sinatra, Jr., you're turning me away tonight,

Jr. walks in here and you're turning him away?

Yes, sir, unfortunately.

The pope, the pope is being just shooed out into the street.

You're shooing the pope out, is that what you're gonna do?

Yes, sir.

We are filled to capacity, sir.

A pair of sunglasses?

Excuse me?

A pair of sunglasses, here.

You want to give...

Yeah.

Elizabeth Taylor sunglasses.

They're very nice, sir...

Elizabeth Taylor wears these sunglasses.

Thank you, sir, I wear prescription.

Thank you very much.

You ever watch the Seinfeld show?

Yes, sir.

Just curious.

( Girl laughing )

Hey, Larry!

Oh, hey, Larry, hi!

Hi, buddy.

This is Larry?

Thanks for ratting me out to Becky,

really appreciated it.

I did not rat you out.

You told her everything we talked about.

And I told you not to say anything.

Well, that's your problem.

What a jerk.

Oh, I'm a jerk?

Is that right?

Oh, what are you gonna do, beat me up?

Maybe I will.

Go ahead, take a shot.

You Hollywood people.

Guys, guys, guys, gentlemen,

I cannot have the two of you

standing in the lobby of the hotel yelling at each other.

Right, I am sorry, sir.

Excuse me,

are you guests at the hotel this evening?

Yes, I am.

Can I see your room key, please?

Yes, sure.

I'm paying for that.

Excuse me, one at a time.

I think it would be best if you go back to your room now.

Very good, thank you, thank you very much.

He's here because I'm paying for him.

Sir, do you have a room key here at the Roosevelt?

No.

Then I need to ask you to leave.

Sir.

Can I interest you in some sunglasses?

No, just leave, please.

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