Original subtitles

Was it burned to the ground?

Are you sure it's him?

You're positive.

Has he admitted to it?

It can't be that bad.

Look, no one was killed, no one was hurt.

No!

I gotta call you back in a few minutes, okay?

I can't believe he did this.

I'm very sorry, that's all I can tell you.

Bye.

What's going on?

You know, I...

You got a tissue or something around here?

No.

Oh.

What's all that about?

You okay?

Yeah, what's going on?

I sponsored a kid from the inner city

to go to summer camp.

You sponsored an inner city kid?

Yeah.

You're kidding.

No!

I'm completely nonplussed.

Is that the right word?

I don't know what the right word is.

I'm flabbergasted, I'll tell you why.

He set fire,

to the canteen and his cabin.

Who does that?!

Oh, my god!

That's insane.

Holy cow!

Well, that's too bad.

You try to do something nice, see what happens?

You get screwed.

You do one nice thing in your life.

I assume it's the first nice thing

you've ever done in your life.

You're so complimentary.

That was very nice of you.

It would put you one up on me, if that's the case.

Although I did once try to stop a woman

who was about to get hit by a car,

I screamed out, "watch out!",

and she said, "don't you tell me what to do!"

I tried to save her life and she screamed at me.

And that's all it took for you to stop helping people.

I got out of the nice business at that point.

Well, I'm out of the nice now after a fire.

Maybe you don't have all the facts and all the details.

I've gotta talk to the kid.

You'll talk to the kid, see what the kid has to say.

I've got to find out.

In retrospect, it would have been a lot better,

had he been a kleptomaniac or another kind of maniac,

rather than pyro, because that's...

Pyro's a bad maniac.

If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro is a bad maniac.

Not a good maniac.

Yeah, it's not a good maniac.

( Knocking ) Larry, Cheryl just called.

She just wanted me to remind you

to come home early tonight, okay?

Okay, thank you.

Why you got to be home early?

We've got this wire in our backyard.

And my wife is completely obsessed with taking it down

because it's ruining the view.

So, she wants to bury it underground.

In order to do that,

we have to get signatures from adjacent neighbors.

Five have signed on.

One couple won't sign it, they wanna meet us first.

Have you ever heard of anything so nutty?

Never.

Why are they doing that?

It's really wrong.

It's very wrong.

It's so, so wrong.

How's this?

Oh, that's better.

That's much better.

It doesn't look better.

Yes, you think they'll like me now

in this shirt better than the other shirt?

They will, please.

Please, just do this for me, Larry.

I'm doing it.

I've got to rid of that wire.

It's making me crazy.

Yeah, well...

Okay, and what do you think?

Does everything look alright?

Yes, it looks fine, the house looks great.

The pillows and the...

Who gives a shit?

Looks okay, what's the difference?

[ Doorbell ]

Okay, here we go.

Okay, let's get this over with.

Alright, best behavior, please.

Hi.

Hi.

Please come in.

Dean.

Hi, Dean, I'm Larry.

Hi, Phyllis.

I'm finally in the house that Jerry Seinfeld built.

With his own hands.

And some hammers.

He actually worked on it like Jimmy Carter.

He can do that kind of thing.

Okay, this is the living room.

Is that Swiss coffee or vanilla bean?

I think it's chocolate Cho Cho.

He's teasing, you know, let's head outside.

Let me show you the problem.

There it is.

That's what we've been looking at day and night.

Can you believe it?

Jesus Christ.

It was like that when we moved in,

and it has been bugging me so much,

I can't even tell you.

I'm gonna get a divorce, I'm telling you.

I can't take her anymore!

That's horrible.

Tell me exactly what has to be done with that.

Because that has got to be fixed.

That's horrible.

All you guys have to do is sign some papers.

Right.

We've taken care of everything else.

Yeah, they put it underground.

It's all environmentally safe.

This has to be buried.

Thank you.

[ Phone ]

Let the machine get it, it's okay.

( Female ) hi, we're not in right now, so, just leave a message.

( Male ) Larry, it's Jeff.

That kid that I sponsored, the one who set that fire,

the camp called.

They want me to pay $17,000 in damages.

Me?!

If you know any lawyer that handles this sort of thing,

call me.

Call me anyhow.

I'm nuts, bye.

Okay, I didn't know who that was...

That's my manager.

I'm a lawyer.

You are?

Yeah.

Really?

Did Jeff say he needed a lawyer?

I overheard that, that you were looking...

Oh, my god.

Rutgers and university of Vermont, too.

Holy!

Look at this.

Kismet.

Isn't that what it's called?

I'll be happy to give him your number.

I'm happy to help out.

Look at this, you got a new client.

Did you think you'd come and get a new client?

And who knows, you know what?

Maybe I'll be able to need a lawyer someday.

Anything could happen.

Because a lot of people sue me.

I'm very vulgar and you might wind up suing me.

I would never sue you, no, no.

Can I ask you a question?

Do the cast members ever come over to the house?

Just hang out with you by the pool and...

Well, not by the pool, but they have come over, yes.

They're friends.

Dean, why don't you just tell the truth

and tell them who your biggest...

I'll just say it, she played Elaine on the show.

Julia.

He's obsessed with her.

He thinks she's the most talented actress.

Yeah, she's great.

Okay, she's not just beautiful.

And she's not just talented.

She's sublime.

Tell me if I'm going over the line here,

but, it's always been a dream of mine

to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus,

just meet her in person.

And if you could just make a phone call,

make that happen, that would be so great.

I'm more than happy to call her up.

I can't guarantee.

It's so hard to get anything absolutely guaranteed.

It's just like you want to get something buried,

you don't know if it's guaranteed,

you don't even know if that...

Because there's a lot of papers to be signed.

I agree with you there.

I know I can make something happen.

I don't say I think I can make something happen.

I can make something happen.

I just wanted to be clear...

I think you're pretty clear.

We have an understanding,

this has to be buried.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to give you my number.

Great, great.

Yeah, we'll do that on the way out.

Yeah.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you guys.

Would you like to have dinner, too?

I've got a nice casserole in the oven right now.

I would kill to have your casserole...

Listen, I can wrap it up...

I can't do it because there's something wrong

with my stomach.

Okay?

Thank you so much for coming over.

Let me just show you out.

Fuck him!

Fuck him!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is not showing up at his house,

and you'll have to kill me

before I call her to do that.

And I will move, do you understand me?

I will move before I make that phone call.

Move!

If you wanna get that wire down,

start looking for a house.

Let's relax for a moment, okay.

Take a deep breath.

What, the guy's 40-years-old?

He's gotta meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus?!

What kind of person is that?!

He's a fan.

What does he expect to gain from such a meeting?

What does he think, he's gonna go over there,

she's gonna be so charmed by him,

that all of a sudden they're gonna start becoming friends?

They'll talk on the phone and go out to dinner together,

go to the movies?

What, start e-mailing each other?

Summer vacations?!

Is he out of his fucking mind?!

Larry, one phone call, one small favor,

to make this house completely perfect.

I can't live with that wire any longer.

I've done so much work

trying to get this removed...

Why does there have to be 300 pillows on the bed?

Listen, please, I'm asking you.

I don't think she'll mind.

And, she'll probably think it's funny.

Yeah, she's gonna think it's really funny.

I really thought we had the deal cinched with the lawyer,

with Jeff.

I know.

I should call Jeff and tell him about this.

Wait, wait, what time is it?

It's 10:20.

10 o'clock is the cut off time.

You don't call people after 10.

No, no, no, the cut off time is 10:30.

Larry, they have kids.

10 o'clock, you don't call after 10 o'clock.

No, no, 10:30.

The cut off time...

Is that right?

Yeah, cut off time's 10:30, everybody knows that.

It's a 10:30 cut off.

Okay.

Oh, hey, susie, it's Larry.

Did I wake you?

Oh, I'm really sorry.

No, no, it's not, it's nothing.

I'll just talk to him tomorrow.

No, I'm really sorry.

Okay.

Alright.

How'd that work out for you?

Susie was pretty pissed off.

She's really upset.

10 o'clock is the cut off, man.

I thought the cut off point was 10:30.

No, 10:20, you called, 10 o'clock's the cut off.

If you called 10:01, she'd be just as mad.

Is that right?

Listen, I've got a big problem.

Dean, your lawyer friend, I don't think he's competent.

I think you hooked me up with a freak.

I think he's probably a good lawyer.

He's a weird guy.

He's weird, but he's very shrewd.

Shrewd?

He's a wire lawyer, I know, I know.

I know what you're doing.

You've got me paying some expensive idiot lawyer

so, you can have your wire dropped down.

I know your games.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you screwed me with this guy,

and I know it.

I wanna let you know that I know it.

I know it.

Wait, first of all,

I don't even have to tell you the story behind that.

See how he does, a few more days.

Can I fire him? I wanna fire him.

You cannot get rid of him.

I have to, he's a freak.

I know he is, but, please, if you get rid of them,

we're never gonna get rid of that wire in the backyard.

The guy's a total prick,

and he will do a good job, believe me.

Prick's are good.

You want a prick, and this guy's a prick.

Look at you.

You're a prick, you're doing a good job.

Are you a prick, or, are you not a prick?

I am a prick.

In business, are you a prick?

This guy's a bigger prick than you.

I'm in a lot of trouble,

and you're not taking it seriously.

The camp's gonna charge me.

They're trying to get me to pay.

I know.

( Glass breaking )

Well, listen to me, that kid,

he called me begging me to come stay with me,

he got kicked out of the camp,

and he wants to come stay at my house.

He said, "look, if I go home early from camp",

"my mom will kill me,

thinking that I did bad things."

You let this kid stay in your house?

Yeah.

So, you're going to put up a sociopath

for a couple of days?

He's not a sociopath, he's a very good kid.

The kid burned down the canteen...

He burned down the canteen.

And he burned down the cabin.

But they were both accidents.

Got insurance?

Yeah.

Get the kid to burn down my house

so I don't have to worry about the wire.

That I would love to do.

I would love to do that.

Thanks again for doing this.

Listen, it's fine.

But, I've gotta tell you something.

I've got 10 minutes, tops, that's it.

Because, I gotta get to school,

the whole thing, okay, really.

( Clearing throat )

Who is it?

It's Larry David.

Larry?

Are you by yourself?

No, I'm with Julia.

Jul...

Oh, my.

Are you okay?

Oh, my god.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, this is Phyllis.

Weinstock, Phyllis weinstock.

Hi, it's nice to meet you.

Are you okay?

Yes and no.

Oh, dear.

Yes and no.

My cat died.

My cat died.

Oh.

Please come in, please come in.

Please sit down, please, please, please.

Where's Dean?

Dean's with Jeff.

What do you mean, why is he with Jeff?

Who is Jeff?

Jeff's my manager.

Yeah, Jeff crane, he's with Jeff.

He called, he said,

I'll be home in 20 or 25 minutes.

Don't let them leave.

And I said, don't worry about that.

I can't it here this long, really.

This is just bad timing for me.

I've got to get out...

I'm so sorry about your cat.

Yeah, and it's tail has been trapped

when the gardener came over,

it had been trapped in the lawnmower...

God.

Poor kitty.

You know what, I don't wanna talk about mittens.

I've got a better idea.

Hey, brainstorm.

Phyllis has just had a complete,

I don't know why I didn't think of this.

Camcorder.

I'm getting the camcorder.

No, don't get a camcorder.

Please, don't.

Okay, I thought that the husband

was supposed to be here.

Isn't he supposed to be here?

Is he the one we're supposed to meet?

Yeah, he's the one we're supposed to meet.

It's just another 10 minutes.

Because, Larry, I'm not kidding.

I've got to get to the school...

This is just so outrageous.

Do you know this woman?

I've met her once before.

She came over my house, I told you.

You are living next to...

Another 10 minutes with this lunatic...

She's a lunatic.

She's a total lunatic.

Oh, god.

Oh, this is good, this is good...

Hi, Julia.

Talk.

You know, I don't mean to be a party pooper,

but I'm not really crazy about those camcorders.

You wanna ask Larry something on the machine?

Okay, just let me get, okay...

Tell me about Jerry Seinfeld,

and, he dates those young girls.

Well, he's a eunuch.

Yes.

His testicles were cut off when he was about 13,

because he was in the Beth shalom choir.

And that's what he wanted to be,

he was a choir boy.

Julia, is that true?

Does he really have no testicles?

You know, I gotta tell ya,

I don't have any fucking idea.

I think that's enough.

Dean's gonna love this.

Uh, Larry...

I think I'm gonna call Jeff, okay?

Okay, good idea.

( Julia ) your manager?

Could you make it quick,

and tell him I've got a time thing.

Julia, over here.

Hey, what time did Dean leave?

He didn't leave, he's still here.

What?

He's still here.

He's still there?!

What the hell are you doing over there?

He's supposed to be here!

I can't kick him out,

we've got business to do.

What do you mean, you're doing business?

I've got Julia Louis-Dreyfus at his house,

we're waiting for him!

I gotta go, he's charging me...

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Okay, we're gonna have to get going.

Oh, no.

Dean's still at the office.

You're kidding me.

You're kidding?

Alright.

( Larry ) what's going on here?

( Julia ) this is so unusual.

You know what? I'm gonna get this.

Oh, great!

What is all this?

I'm an antique jewelry dealer.

You didn't know that.

Can I see that for a second?

Julia just fell in love with it.

( Julia ) I'm in love with it.

I can't believe it.

I gotta tell you, I just love jewelry.

This is the same bracelet

I was gonna buy for my wife,

but, I got in a fight with Richard Lewis...

I was gonna get this.

I've never turned a piece of jewelry around this fast.

I love it...

love it, thank you.

Oh, I have a check from Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

( Julia ) that's so pretty.

I guess Julia will have to come back over.

You'll have to arrange another meeting.

Are you out of your mind now?

Get Julia back over there?

You think I'm gonna ask her again to do this?

We're not gonna give up on it just like that.

Well, I'm not asking her again.

You wanna ask her, you go ask her.

I'm not asking her again, that's it.

Larry, do you not even care about me?

I love you, I care very much about you,

but, I have a friendship with Julia.

I can't impose more on that friendship.

She's already done this favor for me.

Don't you understand?

It would not kill you to just make a phone call

and ask her if she could reschedule.

Where's my pad?

What?

I can't find my pad.

Your little pad?

Yeah, my little brown pad.

That you write your ideas down on?

I don't know where that is.

Where the hell's my pad?

Jesus!

What did I do with that?

Oh!

I think I left it in Julia's house

when I talked to her about Dean.

I took it out in her kitchen.

That's the last time I used it.

Well, then, why don't you call her tomorrow,

and you can ask her about...

Wait, what time is it?

It's 10 to 10.

What time is the cut off?

Cut off's 10, 10 minutes before the cut off.

No problem, I'm right in there.

No, you're pushing it.

I'm not pushing, two minutes is pushing.

10 minutes is not pushing.

That's not a push.

That is right in the wheelhouse.

I have 10 minutes before the cut off time.

Hi, Julia.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

No, it's 10 to.

Really?

I gotta tell you, I never heard of a 9:30 cut off.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm sorry about this.

It'll take me two seconds and I'll be out of your hair.

( Clearing throat )

I don't have it, though.

It's not here.

Well, hi, Brad.

Hey, sorry for coming over so late,

but this pad is really important.

You sure you haven't seen it?

It's brown, it's got like a black trim, no?

Uh uh.

I'll just take a quick look in the kitchen.

I'll be out of your hair in a second.

I'll just take a quick look.

Also, I'm sorry about calling so late,

but, I thought the cut off time was...

10:00.

No, it's not.

It's 9:30 for us.

Most people have a 10:00 or 10:30 cut off.

I think 9:30 with kids...

Seems like an early cut off to me.

It's pretty standard...

And for visitors, it's more like 9:00.

Yeah.

That's the telephone drawer,

so, there's not gonna be anything in there.

And those are my notes,

and, these are my bills and stuff.

( Brad ) I looked pretty carefully in here, Larry.

It's not in the kitchen.

Of course, those are cookbooks.

Larry...

Sorry, okay.

It's definitely not...

You know, sometimes...

Those are napkins.

We'll look carefully tomorrow, Larry.

And those are more placemats.

You know, I'm gonna check the patio

because that's where we were talking.

It may have dropped out of my pocket or something.

Want me to kick him out?

How are you gonna kick him out?

I'll just make a joke.

If you can make a joke, but don't make this awkward.

Okay, I realize where it is.

I made a phone call in that office.

In my office?

You know, I was working there all day, Larry.

It's really not in there.

( Julia ) Larry...

Larry, what the hell are you doing?

( Larry ) no, that's where I was sitting.

This is bad, this is not good.

( Arguing )

What are you doing?!

Mommy?

Bobby? Oh, great!

And we had a helluva time putting him to bed.

( Larry ) I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What are you doing, it's so late?

Did you find a little brown pad,

it has little black trimming on the side?

( Brad ) Larry, go home, please.

Bobby, nobody's angry with you.

Larry, go, okay?

Just go!

Larry, go!

If we find it, we will bring it over, okay.

See ya.

What was that?

Do you think I can call New York right now?

I'm gonna call Seinfeld.

I gotta tell him about this.

What's the cut off on New York?

I don't know.

About midnight.

No, forget it, these are extenuating circumstances.

I'm coming up there in just a second.

Mommy's gotta call Jerry Seinfeld

and then I'll be right up there.

He's not gonna believe it.

( Susie ) I just can't believe

that I have to deal with this!

He has ransacked our entire house!

Do you know what he took, Jeffrey?

Do you wanna know what this little shit took?

He took our wedding video, okay?

You weren't even thinking!

You know why?

'Cause you're a fat, fucking asshole,

that's what you are.

This is not my problem, this is your problem,

do you understand that?

I'm pissed, Jeffrey!

I am pissed, because my whole life

is now in shambles!

I've had it with you, I've just had it with you!

Hey!

Hello.

Oh, this is great, this is all we need,

"Mr. wake me up in the middle of the night"!

What the fuck are you doing here?

Jeff and I were gonna play

the new computer golf game.

Oh, were you really?

Well, let me tell you something, Larry.

Jeff's computer golf game is gone!

The computer's gone!

The t.V.'S gone, the new DVD player's gone.

Everything's gone!

My wedding video is gone

because your fat, fuck manager over here

let an asshole kid into our house, okay?

You happy?

All gone!

It's not his fault.

Who's fault is it, Jeffrey?

I know it's not Larry's fault.

It's the kid's fault.

No, I don't think it's the kid's fault.

I'm gonna get him!

Oh, you're going to get him?!

Look at you, you're pathetic.

And, Larry, by the way,

what the fuck was that about,

calling at 10:20 at night the other day, huh?

I thought the cut off was 10:30.

You know, I have trouble sleeping?

No.

Yes, you do.

Don't know that.

You never told him about my trouble sleeping?

The cut off is 10:00!

10:00.

A lotta things to do during the day,

once I go to sleep,

then I have to take a Xanax!

I was crazy that night, okay?

You have a 10:00 cut off, okay.

It seems reasonable, a 10:00 cut off.

Please respect that.

And, while I'm on the subject,

who is this schmuck, fuck-faced lawyer

you set us up with?!

I could see how one could interpret that

as a serious error in judgment.

I would say that that's quite correct.

I would say that's even an understatement

because that guy is costing us,

how much money, Jeff?

How much is he costing us?

Larry, should I be upset about this?

They're just things, we can replace all of them.

We can replace everything.

There's things we can't replace.

What about my grandmother's brooch,

that she brought over from Russia?

Did he take it?

I'm gonna go check that right now.

She brought it over from Russia from a pogrom.

She was in steerage.

If that's gone, I'm gonna be hysterical.

She worked hard all her life

to give that to me!

I'm sorry you walked in on that.

No, no, don't, please.

Goodbye.

No, no, please, I'm begging you.

Just stay here.

I can't stay here.

No, no, trust me.

That fucking brooch better not be missing.

( Susie ) it's gone!

It's gone, you fucking, motherfucking!

I'll kill you, Jeff!

You're a cocksucker

motherfucker!

My grandmother's brooch is missing.

I could not replace this item.

How would you feel if something you cared about was missing?

You don't give a shit about anything!

My baseball cards.

Alright, see, now, it's not so funny anymore.

Mickey mantle might not be there.

( Yelling )

( Jeff ) will you shut up?

( Susie ) oh, fuck you!

Larry?

Hey!

Hey.

Ooh, ooh, stay right there.

I wanna show you something.

You got my pad?

No, no, no, it's even better.

You're not gonna believe this.

I went by that jewelry store on Wilshire

and I found that bracelet.

Can you believe it?

This thing?

Yeah, is that unbelievable?

The same store on Wilshire?

That's where Julia... I don't get it.

I was so excited, I bought it right there.

What are they, knocking these things off?

Listen, I've got to get running.

I've got a meeting.

Will you put that away from me?

You know, I can't find that pad anywhere.

Oh, no.

I went to Starbucks, they don't have it.

I went to the gas station.

I'll help you look when I get back, bye.

Bye.

[ Doorbell ]

Hey.

Hi.

Hi, come on in.

How are you?

Good.

How you doing?

I'm okay, okay.

Listen, I am so sorry about last night.

That was just so insane,

I completely apologize.

That was crazy.

But, that pad is just so important.

It has, like, nine months of ideas in there...

Like I have wasted nine months of my life...

When you were looking around last night,

did you see my bracelet?

Because I can't find my bracelet.

You know the bracelet that you like?

Yeah.

You didn't see it?

No, but you know what's interesting,

Cheryl actually, was just...

Jesus Christ.

This really looks bad, I know it does.

This is my bracelet.

Cheryl bought the same bracelet that you...

Oh, Larry.

Julia, I swear to you, I didn't.

Why are you doing this?

I'm not doing anything, I didn't take your bracelet.

That's Cheryl's bracelet, Julia.

You keep the bracelet now.

I don't want it in my house.

Hey, Dean, come on in.

Dean, look, it's Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Remember? This is Dean!

We went over his house the other day.

It's Julia.

This is fantastic.

I can't believe we're actually meeting.

Like, this is great.

You were supposed to come the other day

and you didn't show up?

Okay, can I tell you something, my friend?

When you make appointments, keep it!

Because now I'm busy, and I can't talk to you anymore.

Julia...

Keep your appointments!

I think I'm nauseous.

She's certainly a lot different on television.

Hey, you know what, she's mad at me, not you.

Don't take that personally.

That has nothing, nothing to do with you.

Okay, nothing!

It's me.

The point is you met her.

You met Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Come on, you met Julia.

That's what you wanted, you met her.

Isn't that fantastic?

I think that's great.

That was terrible.

That was like, maybe an encounter,

but, that's not a meeting.

I don't what you're quibbling about semantics here.

You did meet her.

It was an unpleasant meeting,

it wasn't a long meeting,

but it was, nevertheless, a meeting.

Okay, we have, a divergence of opinion.

This happens all the time in law.

It's like, one person sees it one way,

another person sees it another way.

You saw that as a meeting.

I just saw that as a horrible moment in my life.

Okay, get out.

Well, there was a reason I came over.

Thank you.

I found this.

Does that look familiar at all to you?

Is that...

Yeah, where'd you get this?

It was in my house.

It was under a cushion by the chair.

I was just wondering if that was yours.

Yeah, thank you, thank you.

There's a reward involved in that.

Just look right in the front part.

It says $500 to the person who returns this to l. David.

I put two and two together and thought the "I" stood for Larry.

Is that right?

I'll get a check, Sherlock.

Perfect, check is fine.

Maybe you can get yourself a new sweater.

It's "ei"

weinstock.

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