All language subtitles for 1234

(TRAIN WHISTLE)

(ENGINE DRONING)

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

Thank you!

Hello! Hello!

-Thank you.
-Hello!

Thank you, thank you,
thank you!

Thanks, everybody,
and welcome!

And in today's show...

Richard chooses
his favourite waterfall.

I like that big one.

...James waters
a stranger's barbecue...

...and I put
some dust on a girl.

(APPLAUSE)

All that is to come,
but we start with McLaren.

They have replaced the 650
with a new car

which is fast around
the corners and faster
in a straight line.

Plainly, then, the only one
of us three qualified
to drive such a thing

is Richard "Whoops,
I've Done It Again" Hammond.

(LAUGHTER)

RICHARD:
While the outgoing car
may have been great to drive,

it was never what you'd call
beautiful, or even
very exciting to look at,

but its replacement, well
that's a different matter.

It's called the 720S,
and from any angle

and in every detail,
it's simply sensational.

Right down to the engine bay
that glows red when you
unlock the doors.

(ENGINE ROARING)

Yup, on the head-turn-o-meter

this thing definitely matches
the Ferrari 488

and the Lamborghini Huracán.

And then when we move onto
the business of speed
and power,

it actually beats them.

(ENGINE ROARING)

Nought to 60
takes just 2.8 seconds.

Top speed
is 212 miles an hour.

Both those numbers walloping
the efforts of the Italians.

Everything is bigger
in this car.

Even the price, £208,000.

Oh, wait, that's not a good
point, is it? No, that's a...
Never mind. Whatever.

The horsepower is...
Well, it's ridiculous
is what it is.

This four-litre V8
with its twin-turbos
produces 710 of them.

To put that into context,
the actual mechanical engine
in a McLaren P1

without all the hybrid
battery boost

produces
just 17 horsepower more.

The net result of that is...

(ENGINE REVVING)

...staggering!

Ooh, that is fast.

However, although they've
gone nuts with the styling
and the engine,

the 720
is still very much a McLaren.

By that,
I mean it's been made

by the ultimate tech nerds
from the Kingdom of Geeks.

Let me put it this way.

This is, like I say,
the replacement

for the McLaren 650S.

If you ask a McLaren
technician, so how much
of this car is new then,

they will tell you 91%.

Not, "nearly all of it,
mate,"

or "about 90%".

91%.

James May applied for a job
at McLaren

but they turned him down
for being too slapdash.

And this incredible geekery
has paid dividends.

For example, one of
the reasons the 720
looks so pretty

is because it's the only
mid-engine super car

without massive gaping
intakes behind the doors.

Instead, McLaren created
subtle channels

along the bodywork to feed
air into the engine bay.

More nerd stuff. The old car,
the 650, had a carbon fibre
tub that came up to here.

On the 720, all of this,
all of that down the centre,
everything, is carbon fibre.

That means these
carbon windscreen pillars
can be very thin,

which makes it easier
to see out, and it's light.

Overall, they've lost
about 18 kilograms up here.

That means the centre
of gravity is lower,
which is good.

Then there's the
computer-controlled
suspension,

which is even more advanced
than the system on the P1.

It makes the ride on this
700-horsepower hardcore
supercar

as comfortable
as a nice sit down.

The question is, what does
all that comfortableness mean
for the handling?

Here we go. Track mode...
active.

Haw! I like that.
I do like that.

Right! Um, well, carry on!

(ENGINE ROARS)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Oh, my God!

This is breath-taking!

The new chassis control
system on this,

based on the work of proper
pointy-heads in Cambridge,

it's all about maintaining
the biggest possible
contact patch

between the tyres
and the tarmac.

God! It's the grip!
It's staggering!

It feels like
a four-wheel drive.

But if you do want things
to get a little more lairy,

simply dive into the
computers and activate

Variable Drift Control. It
lets you select the angle of
dangle through your drift

by varying the amount
of traction control.

I think we'll go for all of
it, lots of drift available.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Yeah, maybe less than that,
I think.

I think I'm gonna have 38%.

38.5.
This is a McLaren. Accuracy.

And that seemed
to do the trick.

Yes!

Yes! Working! That's it!

I know my setting
on a McLaren's
Variable Drift Control.

Unleash the beast!

And when you've finished
your slide fest...

...you can switch back
to comfort mode,

and settle down
for a relaxing cruise.

That's the thing that
stands out about this car,

it's everything in one. You
want speed, you get speed.

You want comfort,
you get comfort.

You wanna lose tyre rubber,
help yourself.

You want boot space,
there's plenty.

But the thing I keep coming
back to is those looks.

Because at last, McLaren's
technical perfection

has been clothed in a way
that does justice

to the fizzing brilliance
underneath.

God, I'm falling in love
a bit here.

Actually, no,
I'll go further, I'm in love.
This is utterly brilliant.

(CHEERING)

No, you're wrong.
Well, no, I drove that car,

not that one, but I drove a
720 a couple of weeks ago
and I didn't love it.

Are you just being obtuse
because I did?

No, no, honestly. I didn't
like the brake pedal.

-Oh, was it the wrong shape?
-The wrong colour?

-No.
-Was it in the glove box?
Was it the handbrake?

-No.
-Was it round
and in front of you?

No! Listen! The problem was -
imagine a volume knob
on a stereo

where the volume doesn't
start till you get to six.

So you push
and then it all happens.

You wouldn't have
noticed it on the track,

but on the road it was almost
impossible to drive smoothly.

It drove me mad. Nearly
as mad as the seat controls.

What was wrong with those,
then?

They were really complicated.

I should explain, by the way,
that this is a man

who a couple of days ago
summoned a woman from
the other side of London

to help him send a tweet.

-Yeah, he did!
-No.

-It was a complicated tweet.
-No, it wasn't complicated.

-Did you try
the seat control?
-Can I say, actually, yes.

And I agree with you,
there's no sense to it.

There's no sense to all this.
You can't recline.

You can't make them
do what you want.

Anyway, let's forget the seat
controls and let's forget
the brake pedal

and let's find out how fast
the 720 goes round
the Eboladrome.

-With someone
who can adjust the seat.
-Yes.

Right, let's do this.

JEREMY: And she's off.
Short-shifting away from the
line to manage the traction

and immediately
onto the Isn't.

Total focus there.

A deliberately wide line
round the first corner,

working the tyres hard
on this cold, tricky track.

Flying down
to Your Name Here.

-(ENGINE ROARS)
-God, that thing
sounds good.

-(TYRES SQUEAL)
-Ooh, getting
a bit of tyre squeal there.

And then hammer down up the
hill and back onto the Isn't.

This is so quick.

A dab of brakes. Down the box
to keep the fire lit.

Now up to the slow and
technical Old Lady's House.

Avoiding any understeer
there.

Interesting, she's got the
car in track mode but the
dash is in full screen.

Clearly that's what
proper drivers prefer.

Even with the air brake up,
clearly needs some managing
under braking.

Just the last corner
to go now.

Slices through there
and across the line!

(CHEERING)

It looked good.
It looks fast.

Right, let's see where it
goes on the leader board.

Here we go, up it goes.
Quicker than the GTR.

Ooh! Now, that's
quite interesting, isn't it,

because what we've
deduced from that
is the car you loved

is no faster
than the car it has replaced.

Yeah, yeah. That is a bit
weird. The only thing
I can think of

is the 650 was on Super
Trofeo tyres which are
super sticky, wasn't it?

And that 720 was
on normal road tyres.
It makes a difference.

-That is actually
quite a good explanation.
-Thank you.

Well it's either that
or it's no better.

Anyway, shut up,
because now it's time for us

to plant a sapling of chat
on Conversation Street.

(LIVELY JAZZ)

And it is an unusual
Conversation Street
this week.

Because it's the end of the
year we're doing our awards,
OK,

or as we call them,
the Nigels.

We start actually with, well,
we're calling it

the Nissan Juke Award for
the Worst Car of the Year.

Nominations are, the
Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV.

Why is that on the list?

Well, many, many reasons,
actually, chief among which

is the way it beeps as you're
driving along for no reason.

You just go along
and it goes "beep".

-Ah.
-Nothing's happened,
it's just beeping.

-Maybe it's just bored.
-I'd be bored if I was
a PHEV, but anyway.

Other nominations include
the Mini Countryman

and the Renault Kadjar.

(MURMURING)

And the winner is...

It's the Nissan Juke!

There you go!

-A deserved award.
-Oh, yeah, it is.

The judges were
particularly impressed with
its consistent awfulness.

It was awful when it was
first launched seven years
ago

and it continues to be awful
to this day. Well done,
the Nissan Juke.

Do you know what that car is?
It's a wacky vicar.

It's more like the sort
of vicar that will go,

"I've just been on My Face,
and do you know who else was
there? Jesus!"

-Yeah.
-That's what it is.

Next it is
the Hard Ass To Follow Nigel.

This is given to the car with
the worst-looking rear end.

The nominations are
the Honda Civic Type R.

-Oh, I like that.
-No, you're wrong.

That is well wrong. It's just
a car they wouldn't stop
designing.

Look how many spoilers
they put there.

"We'll have one here and one
here and one there and there,

and we'll have the one
exhaust, two exhausts,
three..."

It's a bit like your jacket.
They just didn't know
when to stop adding bits,

unnecessary, pointless,
stupid things to it.

I might be in with a shout.

The next nomination
is the Toyota C-HR.

A car styled by nine people
who'd fallen out
at a wedding.

But the winner of the Hard
Ass To Follow Nigel is...

Ooh! It's
the Land Rover Discovery!

Look at that!

(APPLAUSE)

I think the problem is the
designer Gerry McGovern...

Can we get
a picture of him here?

And this is his dog.

-This is where he lives.
-It all makes sense.

So it's only natural his car
should look like that.

It's just all hunched up.
Now we have a special award.

It goes to a car that
you like but you know
you shouldn't

cos it would be
a bit embarrassing.

We're calling it the "You
Would But You Know
You Shouldn't" Award.

Sarah Palin.

Oh, yeah!

It is the new - next year's
one, actually - Corvette ZR1.

RICHARD: That is...

That fits the bill perfectly.

That is exactly right,
because you would buy one
cos, "Wow!"

And then the next morning
you'd wake up and think,
"What have I done?"

We're moving on now to the
Lack of Continuity Award.

Nobody's gonna beat me
on that.

You were nominated for
your mid-season haircut,
that's true,

but you were
beaten by Richard Hammond!

Hold on.
Why was he beaten by me?

Well... (CLEARS THROAT)

I would invite you all now to
pay careful attention to...

well, actually a clip from
the McLaren film
that you saw earlier.

This was an early edit, OK.
See if you can spot
something wrong here.

On the head-turn-o-meter this
thing definitely matches

the Ferrari 488 and the
Lamborghini Huracán.

And then when we move onto
the subject of power and
speed it actually beats them.

-A deserving winner.
-You switched to
a completely different car.

Yeah.

Which brings us
on to the next award...

-Oh, no.
-Yes, you'll like this.

It's for Accidentally Filling
Up the Petrol Tank of a
Supercar With Water Award.

Oh, God.

How in the name of all
that's holy did you do that?

-Well, it's interesting...
-Is it?

It was running low on fuel
at the track,

and rather than take it off
to a petrol station which is
miles away,

I filled it
from one of the jerry cans.

-Which was full of water?
-Yes.

-And you didn't notice?
-No.

-When did you notice?
-When the tea started tasting
funny, I suppose?

It's, it's...

It was when
the engine sort of let go.

How many supercars have you
destroyed this year, Hammond?

Two.

Two?
How many have you driven?

Two.

Well, anyway, I'd like to
present you with your Nigel
for Appalling Continuity.

-There you are.
-Thank you.

-Richard Hammond.
-Thank you very much.

That concludes the awards and
that concludes Conversation
Street for this week.

Moving on. After every single
film we ever show
on The Grand Tour

we always get a load of
messages from people
on social media...

I say "people", I mean
teenagers,

saying that
they didn't like the film

cos it was too scripted,
too faked and too set-up.

Yeah. I've got
one of them here.

It's from Monaro Boy 4541

who says, "I hated that thing
you did in Morocco

because it was too scripted.
Why can't you do stuff like
you did in Portugal?

Which I also hated
because it was too set-up."

Yes, so we decided to make
a completely unplanned film.

No scouts going ahead
to find locations,

no pre-scripted exchanges
between us,

no set-up explosions.

No. All we agreed on was that
we should do whatever it was
we were going to do...

in Croatia.

We chose to meet
in the town of Zadar,

next to its famous sea organ.

(SEA ORGAN PLAYING)

Not realising that this
wave-powered machine

makes
a terribly annoying noise.

But I ploughed on regardless.

This is an Audi TT RS.

Four-wheel drive,
five-cylinder, turbo-charged,

two-and-a-half-litre engine,

nought to 60,
three and a half seconds.

Really you can think of it
as a Nissan GTR

in a Bauhaus baby-gro suit...

No, that doesn't work,
hang on.

Sorry, I normally think...

I normally think of this
before I get here.
Hang on. It's a...

It's a GTR...

with a well-groomed
scrotum? No, that's...

(SEA ORGAN PLAYING)

Before I'd had chance to come
up with the right words...

...Richard Hammond arrived
in an Ariel Nomad.

This is an Ariel Nomad.

I know, I've already said
that in voice-over.

Why didn't you bring
a Porsche?

You could have brought
that Porsche...

What is it? The new one?

No, the one that was
the Cockster that is now
the 97 one?

-Uh, the 718?
-Yes, that.
Why didn't you bring that?

Because I brought this.

Nobody's gonna say,
"Shall I buy an Audi
or some scaffolding?"

I grant you, it's...
No, because they're both...

-What?
-Cars?

Are they the same price?
No. Do they have
the same performance? No.

Are they for the same thing?
No.

As we argued about
our mismatched cars,
James arrived...

...in an even more
mismatched Lada Riva.

Well, that's not gonna
work, is it? I mean...

This is...a Lada Riva.

We know. We've already said.

-I'm talking to the viewers.
-Yeah, but they already know,
don't they?

-I said it in voice-over.
-You haven't said
voice-over yet.

Yeah, he's done voice-over.
He said mine in voice-over
as well.

This is whatever Jeremy said
it was. And I paid just £800,

which leaves me £1,200
for the all-important
modifications.

-And that is plenty.
-Hey?

What modifications?

The modifications to turn
them into fire engines.

We're gonna turn
them into fire engines.

Who said anything
about turning...

Turn your car into a fire
engine using the money you
haven't spent

out of the budget on the car.
I've spent £800.

Well, I just borrowed that
from Audi.

I made a phone call.
"Can I borrow a Nomad?"

If you don't turn it
into a fire engine, you
won't win the competition.

-I'm not in the competition.
-You are in the competition!

James, we have tried time
and again to think of a way

to turn something into
an amusing fire engine.
It can't be done.

The fire engine already
exists. It's brilliant.

It's already more compact
than you'd expect,

faster than you'd expect,
you can fit the firemen
in it, and the water.

-And they work very well.
-Exactly. That's
the challenge.

You're only saying
you're not gonna turn
that into a fire engine

-because it's
an air hostess car.
-It is not.

Have you checked the boot
to make sure the luggage

hasn't moved
during the journey?

JEREMY: Then
our unscripted film
got even more unscripted.

MAN: Can I have a selfie?

-Um, well...
-OK.

That's really up to you
if it's a selfie! I mean...

If I do it, I'll get us
all in. I'm better at this.

-I can get everybody in.
-Could it maybe wait?

-There you go.
-Brill.

Come on, let's do whatever
we're doing. Doors to manual.

-Cross check.
-OK.

No air hostess jokes.

-Is that seat back upright?
-Where are we going?

Well, let's just go.
This is the point
at which we set off.

We always do that.
Chat, chat...

There'll be a line
of voice-over. I'll put some
voice-over in that says...

Hang on. It'll say,

"Since we weren't able
to decide what we were doing,

-we all went
in different directions."
-OK.

Since we weren't able
to decide what we were doing,

we all went
in different directions.

If he'd thought about it
in advance,

Richard would have found a
quarry in which he could test
his action-lifestyle Nomad.

But he hadn't. So...

(HORNS BLARING)

Yeah, we've...

I don't feel I'm exploring
the outer reaches
of this car's potential

in this traffic.

JEREMY: Because I had satnav,
I fared better.

And found the perfect road

to open the taps
in this brilliant little TT.

(REVVING)

Oh!

The engine in this car
is an absolute masterpiece.

You've got as near as makes
no difference

400 horsepower.

And then there's that sort of
deep bass drum of torque
all the time.

And listen to the noise
it makes. It sounds like...

(ENGINE ROARING)

It sounds like...

um...what does it sound...
It sounds like...

It's like... It sounds like
a bear that's trodden
on a plug?

No, a bear would go "ow",
wouldn't it?

Soon I'd got it worked out.

Oh! Listen to that.

It sounds like
a happy hippopotamus.

(GRUNTS)

Now you would imagine
that putting

this much power and this much
torque in an Audi...

RICHARD: Hey, Jeremy,
do you have to put your phone
in flight mode

when you drive one of those?

Bob the Builder appears to be
here in his scaffolding.
Anyway, as I was...

Would you mind checking round
your feet to make sure
there's nothing on the floor?

As I was saying,
you would imagine...

Have you folded
your tray table away
ready for when you stop?

You would imagine that
putting this much power
and this much torque in a TT

would make it wayward
and out of control, but no...

Have you pointed out
the lavatories?

There's nothing for it,
I'm gonna have to lose him,
get out of radio range.

Right, Hammond, goodbye,
I'm losing you now.

He probably thinks this is
just a dune buggy
with a number plate

that's no good on the road.

I shall now prove
that he's wrong.

Charge!

Well, it looks like
we've got ourselves
an unscripted race here.

Ha-ha-ha. Oh. Oh.

Hang on a minute, wait.

Oh...

What?

Where's the road gone?

(WIND WHISTLING)

If we'd sent scouts out
last week to check it out
like we usually do,

we'd have known about this
and we wouldn't have done it.

-But we didn't.
-No.

-So we didn't.
-No.

But the fact is, I really
want to show you
how fast this is.

I-I'd like to see it
in my mirror,

but there's just one other
thing before we do that.

-What?
-I'd really like a jumper.

So, the situation is,
we're gonna have a race

after we've bought him
a jumper.

-Yeah. Ideally...
-And while we're doing that,

I should imagine in the edit
they'll cut back to James in
his stupid Lada.

Yeah.

JAMES: While those two
were bumbling about,
I'd found a workshop...

Good.

...and some health
and safety-obsessed locals...

...so I could convert my Lada
into a fire engine. Oh, yes!

JEREMY: Meanwhile,
back in the 21st century,

Hammond
had bought his jumper

and we were looking for
somewhere
to have our drag race.

It's a dual carriageway.

No, it's got buses on it.

We can't race
where there's buses.

And there was
another problem as well.

It was obviously
a slow news week in Croatia,

so we were being followed
everywhere by the paparazzi,
and TV crews.

JEREMY: We can't do it here.
Everybody is filming us.

RICHARD: This is impossible.
How are you supposed to have
a bloody race?

Hammond, just pull over here.
Stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop.

Three, two, one, go.

(ENGINES ROARING)

Stop, stop. Abort, abort.
He's paparazzi.

We can't do it here.
It will be in the Daily Mail.

Luckily though, Hammond
then had a sudden burst
of intelligence.

RICHARD: Look,
there's an airport sign.

Oh, yes.
Well spotted, Mr Hammond.

Well, that's where we always
have drag races, isn't it?

Business as usual.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

However...

RICHARD: There's a man
with a... This is like
a news crew here.

-You're joking?
-Hello.

-We're just having a drive.
-Don't tell them we're doing
a drag race.

You just said that
on the radio!

-Hello.
-Hello. Are you having
a nice time?

Very nice, thank you.
Look. So you can't be
cross with me.

-You love Croatia?
-Absolutely, yes.

So, we're...we're just having
a drive around.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Right, runway's there.
Jeremy's gone in
to ask permission.

Drag race, humiliation,
end of, move on.

RICHARD: Ah, nobody in?

JEREMY: No. He says
it's a commercial airport,

they're not gonna suspend
flight operations for us
to do a drag race.

-I mean he has got a point.
-Yeah, I suppose so, but...

Well...

He also said if we had rung
a couple of weeks ago,

he might have been able
to sort something out.

-There's a reason
why we do that.
-Exactly!

Here's how I'd sum up
unscripted television.

You could sit and film
a waste disposal unit all day
long and every day long

and transmit the pictures,
hoping that one day
a cat will fall into it,

or you could actually push
a cat into it
and get it over with.

Whilst James continued
with his stupid fire engine
conversion,

Richard and I drove about
until eventually...

...we found
an abandoned runway.

-Right, ready!
-Do the tension thing
before the race.

Oh, OK.

Rev the engine.

(REVVING)

RICHARD: Yeah, he's got
400 brake horsepower
but his car is heavy.

This only has
290 brake horsepower

but it only weighs 670 kilos.

So in actual fact this has
400 brake horsepower per ton.

That doesn't.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Hang on, Hammond?

How are we going to start it?

Normally we have a production
member with a chequered flag.
We haven't got that.

We'll start it on the radio.
That's what we'll do,
we'll start it on the radio.

I'll do it, OK?
No, wait a minute, hang on.

No, I can't do it,
I've got launch control,
I need both hands.

I can't do it,
I have to put the radio away

before I set off.
I've got nowhere to put it.

Shall we...why don't
we just get a local person?

Yeah, that's not difficult,
for somebody just
to wave a flag. Yes.

Right,
we'll cut back to James

and then when we get back
we'll have a local person.

JAMES: With Hammond
and Clarkson's camera crew

looking for a local person
to start
their pointless race,

I was finally in business.

(WARNING BEEPS)

So, here we are. Just
a few hours and exactly
£1,200 later, my fire engine.

My colleagues have been
very quick to point out

that the fire engine
as a concept
is very well established,

but this is something
different. You don't call
the fire brigade.

I patrol in your area and you
summon me if you need
a fire putting out.

Like an ice-cream van. And
to that end I have a siren.

(TINKLY MUSIC)
♪ Pop Goes The Weasel

There is a large range of
fire-fighting accoutrements
on board.

There are various hoses.
We've got CO2 for electrical
fires, fire blankets, sand.

There's a water cannon here.
See, if I just turn on
that pump,

steer with my knees, and
put on the windscreen wipers,

and extinguish the fire.
There you go.

And a lot of it comes through
the window and it... Jeez.

Yeah, it's quite...
I may have made it

a bit more complicated
than it needs to be.

All I needed now
was a fire to put out.

And since this was
an unscripted film,
it had to be a real one.

I'm going to put my light on,
and my siren, just in case
anybody needs me.

♪ Pop Goes The Weasel

JEREMY: As Mr Softee
continued to drive round

looking for
an unscripted fire,

our camera crew had found
a typical Croatian
to start our race.

(COUNTS DOWN IN CROATIAN)

It didn't work,
we didn't go anywhere.

Um, oh, yeah.

I-I dunno where I was.
My mind was elsewhere.

I've had another idea.
Why don't we use her
as the finish line

and then get, I don't know,
a sound recordist
to do the start?

RICHARD: Yeah. That works.

OK, problem sorted.
We have our starter.

We've lost the distraction,
in quite a big way, actually.

(ENGINE IDLING)

(REVVING)

Three, two, one, go!

(CLANKING)

(REVVING)

I just cooked my clutch.

Ah.

(ENGINE ROARING)

That is
one hell of a finishing line.

Back at the start line,
the news was bleak.

I think I've broken
that drive shaft end.

As spare parts
had to be sourced,

I decided to take the
finishing line for a spin,
in my functioning Audi.

-Woo-hoo!
-Hammond?

I need to go to feed my pet.

She's got to go
and feed her cat.

Right. You go off with the
old man, I'll fix the car.

(SIREN WHOOPING)

JAMES: (BROADCASTING)
Fire service is now available
in your area.

JEREMY:
Back in town, Fireman May

still hadn't found
anything to put out.

A kiosk, not on fire.

Ice-cream shop, not on fire.
People with shopping,
not on fire.

(SIREN)

Are you having a fire?
Your last chance to summon

the local fire brigade if
your mobile phone is ablaze.

JEREMY: James
eventually realised that
in an unscripted world

he wasn't going to find
a fire. So he deployed
his acting.

Wait! Smoke! It looks as if
somebody's bin's caught fire.

Not to worry,
I can deal with that.

(WHIRRING)

RICHARD: Several hours later,
with my car fixed,

we were finally ready
for our showdown.

-Let's do it, then.
-OK, let's do this.

Let's sort this out.

(REVVING)

Three, two, one!

(TYRES SQUEALING)

Come on, baby, come on!

Oh-ho-ho!

No! Where's he come from?
Oh, no!

(EXCLAIMS IN CROATIAN)

What's that?

Since when did a finishing
line have an opinion
on a result?

I'm better than him.

I don't know why you're
applauding, I really don't,

because there you are,
Monaro Boy,

that is what unscripted
television looks like.

You've got
17 minutes of film there.

All we did was buy a jumper -
which was actually
a sweatshirt -

-It was.
-and have a ten-second
drag race. That's all we did.

Hang on a minute.
I built a fire engine.

Yeah, but it wasn't
a very good fire engine.

-Yes, it was.
-I'm sorry, James,

but your water cannon
would only be any use

at putting out a fire
if the fire were on
your windscreen wipers.

Anything further away than
that would be hopeless.

-I put out that bin fire.
-Yeah, the bin fire
that you started.

I did not start it.

-Yes, you did.
-I might have done a bit.

You did a lot. Anyway,
listen, we'll pick that up
later on.

Now, though, it's time
for Celebrity Face Off.

(CHEERING)

And once again we're asking
an important question.

Who is the fastest classical
singer in the world

who has an interesting
connection to the British
motor industry?

Many, many people we could
have gone to for this one,

but in the end
we selected two.

And they are, and would you
please welcome them now,

Michael Ball and Alfie Boe!

(CHEERING)

Gentry men.

Thank you very much.

How are you? Have a seat.
You can go in either way.

Both British this week.

Welcome gentlemen,
welcome, welcome.

Now, I've just described you
as classical singers

but actually that's not
strictly true, is it?
You're not...

-Well, it is for me. He's...
-I'm not.

But classical music,
how was it described
in that movie In The Loop?

It was all vowels? Which it
is, "aa-ee-aa-uu-uu".
Nobody likes classical music.

-Do that again?
-(WAILS TUNELESSLY)

Do you wanna come on tour?

Whatever your music is,
however, it is unbelievably
popular.

Last Christmas
you were number one,
with your joint album,

and that kept The Stones
and Little Mix, whoever
the hell they are,

off the number one,
and then this year,

your album's keeping,
who is it, the Stereophonics?

Yeah, we went
to number one again.

And it's still...
it's doing all right.

Cos I was looking...
I was thinking,
so what sort of music is it?

And I was looking on YouTube,
at clips of you two singing.

The audience is quite...old.

Those are Michael's fans.

Are they Michael's fans?
They're the ones that...
Do they smell of urine?

-No!
-No?

OK, we were just waiting,
they were...

One of your audience
said that

they'd bought our album,
so there is someone here
who has our album.

-Who is it?
-Where is she?

Well, "she",
there's a surprise.

-Come on, where are you?
-She's now denying it.

Yeah, she's denying it.
She's surrounded by
a load of bikers, that's why!

We've got to get onto
these connections with
the motor industry

cos that's what people
are interested in here,

which is a genuinely
fascinating thing that we've
managed to find with you two.

-We'll start with you
if we may.
-Sure.

Michael, your dad
was world sales chief
for British Leyland.

That's where he ended.
He started off as an Austin
apprentice back in the '50s

and eventually ended up
as world sales chief at BL

under Michael Edwardes and
the whole Red Robbo scenario,

and when they actually
went bust. So...

So you grew up in
a British Leyland household?

-Totally, yeah.
-So how did you ever
get to school?

We did have some dogs.
We even had some...

Well, did they make anything
that wasn't a dog?

No.

My favourite one
had to be the Allegro Equipe.

The ugliest car,
with the "Go Faster" stripe.

Yellow and brown
"Go Faster' stripe".

And matching nylon interior.

Didn't your dad progress up
to things like E-Types
and what have you?

Yeah, yeah. I remember him
crashing the E-Type.

Taking me to school, funnily
enough. Third day he had it

and someone
into the back of him,

he went into the back of,
well, underneath a lorry.

There's a lot of nose
to go under a lorry,
let's be honest, with an E.

The fascinating thing is
he launched the Mini.

He was the guy, he was given
a 500-quid budget.

He was taken in by Issigonis
and all of them, they said,

"This is the car, we want
to make some headlines.
Do a thing with it."

And he came up with
this concept of "It's Magic"

and put on one of the
first-ever car launches.

didn't he do the thing
about how many things
can you get in a Mini?

That's right.
That's absolutely right.

Which became a huge thing,
for those of us old enough
to remember,

they were always seeing what
they could get in a Mini.

800 Boy Scouts.

I'm gonna move it on,
if I may, to, not your dad,
but you...

actually worked
on the shop floor at TVR?

I did. I started off...
I was there
for about two or three years.

There are some questions I've
got about TVR, because I...

As I understand it, people
who worked on the shop floor

would often,
before the cars were painted,

or underneath the carpets
on the boot floor,
leave rude messages.

-Yeah.
-Is that true?

Absolutely! There's a guy
driving around
in a TVR Griffith

with, on the bonnet,
with a big penis shape on it.

-Underneath.
-Before it was painted?

Yeah. And there's a car door
somewhere with
"Alfie is a twat".

I think I've got that one!

They basically got some
things right about TVR, so...

You always think,
they couldn't possibly
have done this?

If you've got a TVR
and you lift up the carpet
in the boot...

There'll be a message
somewhere, yeah.

Wasn't it a way of passing
messages onto one another
down...

Well, there wasn't really
a production line, but...

Yeah, that was the, you know,
the flatting shop would pass

a message down to the paint
shop, and, yeah, usually rude
and annoying, but, yeah.

Didn't they used to spray
the backs of your heads?

Yeah, they'd come up to you
and just straight across
the back of your neck.

With the paint? Which was
cyanide? Yeah, it was.

Cyanide-based paint, yeah!
Yes!

I came out in a bit of a
rash, but I'm all right now!

Why did they use
cyanide paint?

Just cos it was the metallic
feel that they'd get from it.
That real...

-Like a metal flake thing?
-Yeah.

So that must have hurt? Well,
being sprayed in cyanide?

It did a little bit.
It stung for a while.

The worst thing was being
shoved through the powder
coating room. That was...

(LAUGHTER)

That really...that really
got under your skin.

That itched like crazy,
that did. That was rough.

It's a wonder TVR went out
of business, isn't it?

It makes you wonder,
"How did that happen?"

Cos they had the engine,
presumably your dad's
engines, weren't they?

Cos they were using
the V8s from...Rover V8s?

Yeah. They built this engine
bay and they mounted this
engine on a plinth

and then stuck the exhaust
into this metal box,

bricked around the metal box,
fired it up on the first test
of one of the engines,

and they didn't turn
the extractor fan on.

Oh, God!

So this metal box
was turning into
this huge bomb, basically.

It backfired,
lit up everything,
bricks flying everywhere.

All the paintwork, cars
were smashed to pieces
with bricks,

and the metalworking, the
foreman came up and said,
"What the (BLEEP) wrong?"

He said, "Just get on with
it. Come on, clean up, we're
all right." And that was it.

Was anyone ever killed there?

Not as I...
Oh, there was a guy, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, he...

I think...

-We're laughing.
-Yeah, I know, it was crazy.

Yeah. He did, he went
in the spray booth
without his mask on

and just started spraying and
keeled over and that was it.

So he disposed of himself
with cyanide?

Yeah. It was crazy.
Well, the paint job was good.

He said, "Ooh, I've done it."

So how did you get from there
to singing?

Well, I was working
in the factory
and working on a Griffith

and I was polishing it away

and this guy was overhearing
me singing along
to the radio,

and he said, you know,

"You've got a good voice,
you should try out for this
company in London."

And I took the day off work,
went down to London and...

sang for this company
and got taken on.

Came back to TVR, handed in
my notice, and my foreman
went crazy.

He said, "What do you wanna
go and do that for? Singing?"

He said, "Why do you wanna
leave this job?
You're on 60 quid a week."

Well, there we are, then.

Didn't you try to get Michael
to give you a leg up
in the music business?

When I was at college,
I stayed in the same area
of London

that he was living at the
time, I was renting a room,

and I posted a note through
his door to see if he'd give
us a bit of advice and...

never heard a (BLEEP) thing.

(LAUGHTER)

-See, you look nice.
-Oh, I know.

You have that nice-looking
face, but actually there
beats a cold heart.

Oh, I'm a cold bastard.

Absolutely. I mean, no, I
still haven't given him any.

Could you remember it? You
don't remember the postcard?

-No!
-But your house burnt down?

-Yeah, it did.
-Did you do that?

Probably! When I didn't hear
anything from him, you know.
It's the only way forward.

So, anyway, you're here,
in the depths of the English
countryside,

and how did it go
on the track?

I'm dreading this.
I'm so nervous.

Are you?
I loved every second.

I was told there is quite
a bit of needle between
who is the fastest today?

BOTH: Yeah.

And there's a big dinner
riding on this.

-A really major dinner.
-Who shall we go
with first?

Let's have a look at...

-Michael's lap.
-OK.

JEREMY: Here we are.
And it's a smooth start.
Up into second.

-Pedal to the metal.
-Well, pedal to the carpet.

Now, I like to brake
half way through this one.

And you do as well.

I think it makes sense cos
then you've got more speed
going onto the tricky bit,

which is coming up now,

cos we've run out of money
and there it is, the gravel.

Really, keeping it quite tidy
through there,

and tidy through there
as well.

Who the hell
puts gravel on a race track?

I told you,
we haven't got the money.

Right, now, this is the...
I can't remember what it's
called.

Gravelsel, that's what it is,

Named after the Carousel
of the Nürburgring.
Onto difficult bit two.

Is that any good?

-That's pretty good
-It's quite slow.

Cos sometimes
if you keep it tidy

and it looks slow,
it's actually fast.

That's a hard corner. Cos it
always is more slippery than
you think.

Right, now, smoothly onto
the main stra...

Well, not smoothly,
virtually stopping.

(LAUGHS) I'm loving this!

Good. Now this is
supposed to be flat
but it's quite greasy today,

so you probably wouldn't be.
You definitely aren't.

Right,
final corner coming up now...

Ooh, more understeer, not as
bad as last week. But there
we are, across the line!

(CHEERING)

-I mean...
-Well, who knows?

-I didn't crash.
-You definitely didn't crash.

Slow and steady
wins the race.

Or gets around. What's that?

These are the times. But
we're not gonna reveal them
until we've had a look at

Alfino, as we liked to call
you all week, when you were
coming off.

Right, let's have a look at
Alfie's lap.

-Oh, fog's come down.
MICHAEL:
He gets special effects.

Right, and he's disappeared.

All right, Bally,
I'm coming after you.

God, that
really is a pea souper.
Could you see all right?

-No, it was...
-Ooh, there's an excuse,
Alfie.

-You should say,
"Yes, easily".
-It was easy. I was fine.

That's nice and smooth
through there. Now, are you
exuberant on the gravel?

Let's have a look,
as we come up here.

Ooh, that's wide!

This gravel turn is as wide
as Michael's vibrato.

(LAUGHTER)

JEREMY: That traction control
is really letting you have
some angle there

as we come now
to Difficult Bit Two.

Cutting that corner nicely,
sliding wide on that one.

Very different styles
you two have got here.

God, that really is
fishtailing down there.
Onto the tarmac once again.

We'll ignore that.

MICHAEL: That's illegal!

You almost stopped as well.
Now, here we go.

(BLEEP) Yay!

JEREMY: I never would have
had you as a swearist.
Right, now...

That seems fast but wide.

Ooh, he's off, he's off!

No, he's back on.
And stopping. Why? No, not...

Virtually stopping.

And then across the line.

(APPLAUSE)

I actually
don't like this bit,

having to reveal the times
to two people
when it really matters.

-Really matters.
-It does.

Anyway,
I've got the times here.

Are you nervous?
I'm really nervous.

I've shat myself.

It smells like
one of your audiences.

(LAUGHTER)

-I've gone again!
-Right.

-Michael Ball.
-Yes.

You did it in one minute...
23.3.

My heart is pounding.

Alfie Boe. One minute...

twenty...

...four point four.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

(APPLAUSE)

Too exuberant.

I think, too exu...

-You probably had more fun.
-Yeah.

But you were faster.
By actually 1.1 seconds.

1.1 seconds?

-Yeah. Do you want me
to say it again?
-Would you mind?

It's not the winning,
it's the taking part!

(LAUGHTER)

So there we are,
ladies and gentlemen,

Alfie Boe and the fastest
classical singer

with a connection
to the British
motor industry,

-Michael Ball!
-Thank you!

(APPLAUSE)

Now, this week
we are in Croatia,

making a totally unplanned
and unscripted film

in which we attempt to turn
cars into fire engines.

No, James, we are not.

Well, I am.
Yes, but to be quite clear,

Jeremy and I
are doing something
completely different.

JEREMY:
Having proved that my Audi

was faster in a straight line
than Richard's
Honda-powered Nomad,

I was now determined
to show him it was also
faster at rallying.

I'm confident
for several reasons.

It's got four-wheel drive,
it's got a differential that
moves the power

to whichever wheel
is best able to handle it
at any given moment,

and it has
a fabulous gearbox.

But most of all I'm confident
because this is the
first Audi I've ever driven

that has a front on it.

What I mean by that
is it has a front end that
goes where you point it.

You flick the wheel and it
goes in the direction
you selected.

There's no understeer.
You then have to sort out
the back end, obviously,

but that's OK,
that's what all top drivers,
such as myself, want.

Does that mad old ape
really believe
his air hostess chariot

will stand a chance off-road
against this custom-built
off-road racer?

Has he got £3,000 worth
of Fox off-road long-travel
coil-over suspension?

No, he hasn't.

Can he glance out the side
and see exactly how his
wheels are positioned?

No, he can't. Does he have
a hydraulic handbrake?

No. Does it weigh
just 670 kilograms?

No, he weighs more than that.

JEREMY: All we needed to sort
this out was a loose-surface
gravel track of some kind.

Obviously nothing planned,
we just drive round
until we find somewhere.

Can't do it there,
too many trees. That's just
a little bit of gravel.

Can't go there,
that's an orchard.

Somebody will be cross.
There must be somewhere!

Meanwhile, after his success
with the staged bin fire,

James was now
getting carried away.

Ah, looks like a job for me.

-My pleasure.
-Ah...

JEREMY:
Back out in the countryside,

Richard and I had stopped by
some nice lakes.

But, because this was
an unscripted film, we didn't
have much to say about them.

I like the waterfalls.

Yeah,
the waterfalls are nice.

What's your favourite
of the waterfalls?

-I like that one.
-I like that big one.

-Yep.
-Oh.

Hold that a minute.

Right, I've done
a quick chart of how
we're performing so far.

We aren't...?

RICHARD: I'm not performing.
-Right, Economy.

Three points for me,
most economical obviously,

followed by Hammond, two,
you, one.

Top Speed. It's the other
way round. You're the
fastest, three points,

two for you and one for me,
the slowest. Now, Value.

You get a point for
every pound you save
under the £2,000 budget,

but you lose a point for
every pound you go over it,
OK?

So I am winning that.
My car car was £800.

I score 1,200. You...

Minus 65,000...

-James?
-I think there's something
wrong with him.

645.

I can't write on
a vertical surface.

Let's have a writing
competition. You lose!

Hang on, your car,
you lose...

Minus 48,000.

-I can't be minus anything.
-Hang on, hang on,

have you included
his optional windscreen?

-Don't encourage him!
-Was that optional?

-It's an optional windscreen.
-How much is it?

1,500 quid.

Minus 1,500.
That's interesting.

Minus minus is a plus,
which is a minus.

James, this is very riveting,
but it's irrelevant.

It's not irrelevant.

It's like saying, "Jeremy,
you lost to Manchester United
yesterday."

I wasn't there,
and I wasn't taking part.

-You are taking part in this.
-I'm not.

Yes, you are. Just because
you can't be bothered
and you've done it wrong.

You're losing. Catch up here.
You've got
Fires Extinguished,

Water Capacity. You can still
claw it back for the total.

But at the moment, mate,
you're losing.

Fires Extinguished.
So far I've done two...

Having thrown James's chart
in the lake,

Hammond and I resumed
our search for a rally stage.

And soon, we found one.

This would be perfect
for our timed shoot-out.

Hammond elected to go first.

Right, this bush
is the start/finish line, OK?

-OK. Yes.
-Good.

No, hang on.
I don't trust you to time me.

I'm not. Sylvia is.

Oh, great,
the human finish line.

Yes!

SYLVIA: Tri...

(SPEAKS CROATIAN) Go!

This is it.

A little touch of the brakes.

Don't wanna drift too wide.

Two-wheel drive means I've
gotta take advantage of every
bit of grip I can find.

A lot of rocks!
A lot of rocks!

Come on. Get your
concentration on, Richard!

Now, floor it!
Everything we got!

-Sylvia, what was the time?
-Two minutes,
five point seven.

Well, that's...
that's probably brilliant.

Two minutes,
five point seven. Right,

-My turn.
-OK.

Watch and learn.

(COUNTS DOWN IN CROATIAN)

Go!

Right, I have the whole car
set up in its dynamic mode.

So, the throttle response,
the gearbox, the suspension,

they're all now sharper
than an architect's pencil.

Jesus! God's truth.

I am not the world's best
loose-surfaces expert.

I'm not even
in the top 20 million.

But, in a car like this,
you feel like you have
all the control you need.

Absolutely unbelievable.
And flick it in.

That front end on this
is just phenomenal.

(ENGINE ROARING)

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

Yes! Go, go! Go, Jeremy!

Oh, yeah, totally unbiased.

-The finish line looks happy.
-Sylvia, what was the time?

SYLVIA: Perfect time. Two
minutes, three point seven.

Oh, come on!

That's just because...

She can't mess with time.

Time is just an entity
on its own. You can't
mess around with it.

-Jeremy!
-(PHONE RINGS)

-Hammond, Hammond?
-No.

Hammond.

May. What, now? Where?

OK. No, yes.

Yes, yes, yes,
I've got satnav.
I'll find it. All right, bye.

He says he's organised
a demonstration

and he wants us two
to come and watch it.

-Watch it?
-Yeah.

I'd personally prefer to do
another race of some sort.

-No, there's no point.
-In a swimming pool, perhaps?

-The finish line is biased.
-On a beach? Why don't we...

No. Let's go. I'd rather go
and see James

than be humiliated by another
biased...

-Why don't we have
a race in a sauna?
-No.

As James was a fair few miles
away, we had time to sum up

what we'd learned
about our cars.

I know the Audi TT
has an image problem.

I know people think
it's an air hostess's car.

But the RS
genuinely is different.

The RS is like...

Oh, not again. Um...

It's like...

It's difficult to think of
anyone who really needs
a supercharged Ariel Nomad.

Even an emergency off-road
vet would have nowhere

to put their tools to do
anything when they got there,
so it's useless.

It's also draughty,
expensive, noisy...

...and brilliant!

I adore it!

It's the best toy in the
world, and what finer praise
could you have for any car?

Eventually we met up with our
colleague, who was eager to
explain what he had in mind.

I'm making
a simulated bush fire,

the start of a bush fire
to demonstrate

how quickly my roving fire
engine could just put it out

before it develops into
something like
a massive conflagration.

This bush fire, OK,
is going to start
right next to a road.

Which happens to be next
to where you've parked
your fire engine?

I'm not... I'm gonna drive in
and put it out.

But you know where it is!
You've just started it.

I know! It's a demonstration,
you morons!

It's two and a half feet
from a road!

Bush fires happen miles out
in the middle of...

All right, go and build one
out there. It doesn't make
any difference.

Why don't we go
and start a fire for him?

That's more realistic.
You travel to the fire,

wherever we've started it,
and put it out.

Off you go.

RICHARD: Having travelled
a realistic distance
from the road,

we soon had
a bush fire on the go.

JEREMY:
Ooh, hello. Hello! Hello!

Yes!

That is speeding things up,
isn't it?

Isn't it? There you go.

What it's doing is catching
on. The wind moves it along
and it gets bigger.

It's quite good.
Another bit there, look.

Then we told James
to come and do his stuff.

(TINKLY MUSIC)

(JAMES HUMS ALONG)

Relax, I am coming
to put out the fire.

RICHARD: However, because
of his leisurely pace,

the fire had grown a bit
by the time he got there.

Jeez.

Pressure.

It's too big!

I've run out of water!

This isn't gonna work.

I think what we've
established here

is that he's only capable
of putting out fires
that he's started himself.

Yeah, that are nearby
and contained.

I haven't got anything left!

JEREMY: Luckily,
at this point, the real
fire brigade arrive.

(METALLIC CRUMPLING)

Thank you.

(CHEERING)

It's a six-tonne
lump of water...

Hold on. Hold on, hold on.

Let's have a look
at the final scores on my
water-damaged scoreboard.

No, James.
No, there's no point.

You get minus a million
cos that was the cost

of the real fire brigade
that had to come,

and I get plus a million
for winning everything.

No, hang on, the only reason
your doors-to-manual Audi

beat the magnificent Nomad
is that you fed
the finishing line's cat.

And because it was faster.
And better in every way.

It is a superb car, that TT,
but you can't have one.

Because of
the air hostess thing?

No, because
I've driven three examples

and every single one
has had squeaky brakes.

You can hear it in the film,
and it drives you mad.

Yeah, that's unforgivable.

And on that terrible
disappointment,
and that total waste of time,

it's time to end. Thank you
very much for watching.

Have a very happy New Year.

Unless you're watching this
in April, in which case,
whatever. Goodbye.