Original subtitles

Oh, I don't know, do you want me to hold your paintball trophy

- while you open the door? - Oh.

Trophy-holding's only for winners.

Ouch.

No, but, seriously, today was so fun.

What are you up to tomorrow? You want to grab dinner?

Uh, actually I can't. I have to go to a thing

with another woman.

And now it's my turn to say, "Ouch."

I-It's my nonna.

Uh, she's old-school Italian,

so the two of us always do Sunday dinner together.

Uh, don't get jealous,

but she does always kiss me good night.

I lived in Italy for a few years.

Sì, uh...

Okay, someone only learned the food words.

Well, I couldn't cook. How else was I supposed to eat?

Tell me more about this Sunday dinner.

Nonna goes all out... I mean, Sunday sauce, handmade pasta.

She spends the entire day in the kitchen.

How cool. You know, I love dinner.

And I'd love to meet your grandmother.

Uh... yeah.

I'm not sure we're there yet.

Oh, really?

I mean, I just thought we were.

Uh, yeah, no, it's ju... It's just that her place is

really, really small, so...

Well, I'll make Sunday dinner.

Didn't you just say you can't cook?

Well, I couldn't cook then,

but now... I'm amazing.

Handmade pasta? I'm a master at that

cranky machine thingy.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Tomorrow night.

Okay... sure. Yeah, uh,

we'll see you tomorrow night for dinner at Carly's Cucina.

That means kitchen.

Yes, it does.

Spencer, can I host a really important dinner party

here tomorrow night, so I can meet Wes's grandma?

I can? Thank you.

Ooh! Meeting the family?

Sounds like you're getting serious,

like me and Maeve and our perfect relationship.

Oh, there's my Sleeping Beauty,

freshly risen from dozing the day away.

Mmm. Well...

I wouldn't need a nap if my sweet baby

didn't snore all night.

Oh. I could've sworn I was the one up all night,

thanks to your ocean noise machine.

- Nothing more soothing than the sounds of seagulls. - Mm.

- Squawk! Squawk! - Mmm.

I love those birds.

Maybe more than I love you.

Just kidding.

- Bye.

See?

Aren't we adorable?

That was my nightmare.

Seems like you burned right through the honeymoon phase,

and now you're on to the next one.

Which is what?

The "smean" phase...

Where everything's mean,

but with a smile.

Carly, check it out... The perfect look

for Double Dutch's first music video with a real budget.

It's kaleidoscope like her first single "Kaleidoscope."

And it's tattered like her second single "Tatters."

And it's elegant like her third single...

- "Ugly." - Uh

yeah, so ugly.

Wow, the disrespect.

Double Dutch is on the rise,

and she's counting on me to help her get to the next level.

Like, where would Gaga be without her meat dress?

Or where would Katy Perry be without her cupcake bra?

Wait, should I be doing something with food?

I don't know, I don't want to think about food.

I invited Wes and his grandmother over for dinner,

and he said we weren't there yet.

But you've been on nine dates.

I know. So after that,

I pushed him just a little,

and he said, "Sure."

Ooh.

I know.

Now I have to make this gourmet feast.

- You don't cook. - So I can impress his grandma.

Who he didn't want you to meet.

And then maybe he'll define the relationship

and ask me to be his girlfriend.

You two haven't done that yet?

Oh, I mean, yes!

Great plan. Manifest, queen.

But, look, you don't have to pretend to cook.

Just be your authentic self.

: Hello, Harper Designs,

Miss Pennyfeathers speaking. How may I help you?

: It's Dutch.

: I'll see if Miss Harper's available.

Aw, Miss Pennyfeathers,

the hardest-working fake assistant in the biz.

: Mm-hmm. Dutch!

How are you?

I hear you're having a dinner party,

which is perfect timing because

I just finished the beta version of the app I'm developing.

Can I give you the Barracuda Boardroom pitch?

Fine. I'll pretend to be a wealthy,

overly judgmental investor

that can make or break you.

Freddie Benson is an app designer

from Seattle, Washington.

He's cool with fish,

cruel with bedtimes, and he's come here today

to share an app that's going to revolutionize cooking.

Hey, Barracudas.

Whipping up a big meal is hard.

With all the different recipes and ingredients and timing,

who can keep it straight?

That's why I created Bon Appe-timer,

the app that takes the guesswork out of kitchen work.

Just drag in your recipes and the app alerts you

every step of the way.

This is exactly what I need.

- Well, I'm in. - You're right.

Kaleidoscope, tatters, elegance... it's so passé.

I don't know why my assistant pulled that.

: Please don't fire me, Miss Harper.

I need this job to feed me family.

: All right, I'll give you one last chance.

Yeah, girl, she been messing up a lot.

I got to say, Freddie's app is saving my butt.

I couldn't decide between rigatoni, ziti, or spaghetti,

so I found a recipe that uses them all.

It's called Raviolo Maximo.

It's the Turducken of pasta.

Yeah, Turducken, yum.

Wow, the disrespect.

Sorry, I'm distracted.

Dutch has hated the last five looks I've shown her.

If this one's not a hit, I'm probably fired.

Do you think she'll like this?

Reminder, I am very fragile.

Yeah, she's gonna love it.

But if she doesn't, are you just gonna bail on it again?

If I want to keep my job!

I can't just tell Double Dutch what I think.

But isn't that exactly what you're hired to do?

Carly

sweet Carly.

You know nothing.

I've been saying that for years.

Oh, that reminds me. Millicent, I am begging you,

please be nice to me tonight.

You got it, Aunt Carly.

Wes really hit the jackpot when he met you.

Already bribed her?

Yep. I wanted you to be able

to focus on what matters the most tonight.

Defining my relationship with Wes?

No, the real star of this evening...

My app.

- Ooh, pasta's ready. - Great news!

Figured out how to stay in the honeymoon phase.

I found this book How to Stay in the Honeymoon Phase.

Listen.

"The first thing you should know is that

"for every relationship, the honeymoon phase

ends at some point."

This book was written by a mean liar.

Okay, he's here.

Uh, remember, this dinner is really important to me,

so everyone be on their best behavior.

Welcome.

Uh, sorry, I came straight from work.

Carly, this is my nonna Sylvia.

: It is so nice to meet you.

Uh, this is my brother Spencer, that's Freddie

and his daughter Millicent, and my roommate Harper.

: Hello!

What a nice-looking bunch you are.

And, Carly, aren't you a stunner.

Thank you, Sylvia.

Oh, call me Nonna.

- I'm gonna change real quick. - I'll take your coat.

- I'll finish setting the table. - I'll get drinks.

Well, I guess it's just me and you, Nonna.

Oh, good, because I have something to tell you.

I don't like you.

This is a disaster.

Wes's nonna hates me.

If she doesn't like me, there's not gonna be a relationship.

- Aah!

Time to layer the three pastas inside the raviolo!

Uh, Spencer, Harper, go entertain Nonna.

You got it.

Don't leave it to the amateurs when you've got

a pro in the house. Grannies can't resist

this.

Carly, I will not let you down.

Wow. What did you bribe her with?

Bon Appe-timer stock options.

She said it would round out her portfolio.

Hi, Nonna Sylvia. I'm Millicent.

Want to see me do a cartwheel?

I'd love to.

Why don't you do a few out in the hallway?

But then you won't be able to see me.

Exactly.

Yeah, you're screwed.

Oh!

Here's my handsome Wesley!

Carly? You're the angel

I prayed would land on this earth

for my grandson.

- She's really into praying.

To who?

- Oh. Uh...

Time to put the raviolo in the oven.

Wait, this doesn't make sense.

How am I supposed to put the raviolo in

when the garlic bread's already baking at another temperature?

- Hang on a second. - Okay.

- Uh, here.

Oh.

: Hello, Harper Designs.

May I place you on a brief hold?

At least Spencer's still there.

- : Spencer! - Got to go.

Great news, nothing wrong with the app.

It was user error.

How do people on TV make dinner parties look so easy?

That Barefoot Contessa is a lying she-devil.

Do you need some help, chef?

Oh, no need.

Everything's running smoothly.

I'm very impressive.

Wow.

Look at all these people that no one told me were coming over,

my little social butterfly.

It's almost like you heard them, knew they were here,

and chose not to say hi,

my precious hermit crab.

What a fun, little play you must be rehearsing for.

Since nobody fights at important dinner parties.

: Love you!

Big problem.

There's a problem?

- Here, I can help you. - Oh, no. No, you can't.

'Cause there's no problem.

You're not gonna leave, are you?

Of course not. Dutch is coming here.

- What? When?

Now-ish? Look,

I promise it'll be real quick.

She insisted on seeing her video outfit in person.

Carly, if I don't nail this assignment, I could lose my job.

Okay, just keep it inconspicuous.

Of course. Nonna won't even know that she's here.

I assume everyone knows who I am. No.

I don't need your names.

I will call all of you Josephine,

after my sister, whoms I don't like.

Please-please tell me this is not the outfit you wanted me

- to see. - Uh...

This dumb thing?

No! No.

I don't think it's dumb. I think it...

It's smoking!

It's on fire!

Dinner is moments away.

You screwed me, Benson.

You had the garlic bread too close to the broiler.

That's not on me.

Ugh! Where is my outfit?

The shoot is tomorrow.

Um, I'm gonna be totally honest with you.

My assistant Miss Pennyfeathers is on her way with it.

Okay, well, how far is she?

'Cause I was already hungry, and now the smell

of charred garlic bread has me ravenous.

Oh, well, do you want to...?

Stay for dinner?

Oh, I would love to! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

That just came out of me.

Carly

do you mind if Dutch stays for dinner?

Oh, cool.

An unexpected guest,

who also happens to be a high-maintenance indie darling,

at the most important dinner of my life.

We're having fun!

Um, I'm not a huge fan of tomatoes,

so I'm not gonna do the pasta.

Um, but it's okay. Don't worry.

I will just take whatever the chef's alternate meal is.

Thank you, Josephine.

You screwed me, too, Bettencourt.

Carly, if you don't let me help,

I'll never come over again.

Okay, fine.

Um, could you just make sure that there...?

Serving spoons? Already got 'em.

What are you wearing?

Something downright adorable

to make that old broad like me.

Ah.

Well, hello, Mrs. Wes's Grandma.

I was hoping that we could sit next to each other

during dinner, and you could tell me about the good old days.

Oh, I would love to.

There was this glorious time

a few minutes ago

when you weren't here.

It's official.

I've lost my mojo.

"Meal complete. You are done."

I am? That was so fast!

- Moment of truth.

Uh... is it supposed to be

pulsating?

The pulsating's how you know it's done.

I did it.

I can't believe I did it.

Everyone, let's eat!

Oh!

This is a beautiful table!

And look at the pulsation on that raviolo!

Thank you, Nonna.

Uh, Maeve, my sweet love, would you like to sit next to me?

No.

I'm really happy we did this.

I knew we were ready.

I just love seeing all your faces around the table.

It's so great that

She's choking!

Nonna's choking! Here, get up!

Okay.

Let go of me!

What are you doing?

You were choking!

- Are you okay? - I wasn't choking.

I ate a bite of raw sausage

and was trying to spit it out, when this one jumped on me!

I thought you were dying!

I'm sorry, did you say "raw sausage"?

I have a broken rib.

And I have a broken app.

I am so, so sorry.

I need to lie down.

Uh, you can use my place. Here, I'll take you.

Aah! Don't touch me!

Yeah, Carly. I'll take her.

: So

do you think it's safe to eat the salad?

Well, this seals it.

I don't think Wes wants to be in a relationship

with an elder abuser.

Come on, I'm sure his grandma's fine.

That's why we have so many ribs.

Oh, I could go for some ribs!

I'm just gonna say what everyone's thinking.

- Outback. - Chili's.

Okay, I can't just sit here feeling sorry for myself.

I'm gonna go apologize to Wes and Sylvia.

Aw! Who's this little guy?

Her name is Kevin.

And she lives in my purse.

And now

she lives in my lap.

Can I talk to you really quick over...?

Oh, yeah.

You want to order a pizza? Anything but pineapple.

Unless you like pineapple, in which case, mahalo.

I'm starting to think that your assistant

isn't coming with my outfit.

No, she's coming.

Uh, maybe her quintuplets got sick.

Or she had to take her baby to the airport.

Look, if you and I can't work together

like a well-oiled machine,

I'm gonna have to hire someone else.

Well-oiled machine?

Wes's coveralls. Wait, hold that thought. I need to work.

- If-if that's okay with you. - Yes, go!

I'll fire Miss Pennyfeathers when she gets here.

Nonna Sylvia?

I'll let you sleep.

I'm so sorry that I hurt you.

And... I lied about knowing how to cook.

I just wanted to impress Wes.

And you, 'cause you mean so much to him.

And I like him a lot.

Like, a lot a lot.

Sorry, maybe that's too many lots.

I like him a sane amount.

I just really hope that maybe you can forgive me.

And...

Oh, no.

Why is your hand so cold and clammy?

Nonna? Nonna?

Oh, my God.

This can't be happening.

Okay, I-I can do this.

I saw a CPR video online once.

- Clear!

- Get off of me! - Oh, my God!

Wes!

She tried to kill me again!

No! No, no, no. I was trying to save you.

Carly, what are you doing?

I-I'm sorry. I thought she was dead!

- Well, I'm not! - A-And I'm glad!

I am so glad you're not dead.

Again.

Come on, Harper.

Let's see it.

May I present...

Greased Lightning.

Aah! No, you may not.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't love Grease.

First of all,

you need to put some respect on Olivia Newton-John's name.

- Oh. - And second of all,

this is the look.

It says you are the well-oiled machine.

You're in the driver's seat.

- Skrr, skrr. - Oh. Oh.

- You leave the competition in the dust. - Ooh.

Honey, you're miles ahead.

Oh! Okay, enough car puns.

I'm into it.

You are? Um, I mean, of course you are.

It's so Dutch.

Oh!

I love Dutch.

Where has this Harper been this whole time?

Terrified of losing her job.

Aw. Well

maybe she can be slightly less terrified.

She loves that for her.

There you are.

This is where I go when I need to get some air.

Did we move too fast?

Only according to everyone we know.

I mean, I built you the Titanic for our first date.

Do you think that was a bad omen?

I love you, Maeve, but I think we need some space.

Hmm. Of course we do.

Because my immature sweetie has never been

in a real relationship before.

Because my honey bunny has trust issues

from lying to her friends and family for four years.

I guess we both got some growing up to do.

Maybe one day we can grow back towards each other.

Hmm. I'd like that.

I'm not gonna live on a boat. No.

You okay, Spence?

Nonna's waiting in the car.

So... I should head out.

I'd say today was fun, but...

I know it wasn't.

And I'd say see you later,

but I know you're never gonna call me.

You were right.

We weren't ready.

Carly

no one is ready to meet my nonna.

You probably didn't notice 'cause I told her

to be on her best behavior,

but she can be a serious pill.

I don't think so.

Most pills have healing properties.

You know

my last girlfriend would have let her choke.

Are you saying that I'm your girlfriend?

Does this answer your question?

- Not really. I mean, am I your girlfriend? - How about this?

Damn it, Nonna, stop salting my game.

Mmm.

Can't go wrong with spaghetti tacos.

Mm-hmm.

This was so worth the wait.

You know what, I get it now.

Kevin, I know we just met a few minutes ago,

but would you be interested in moving in with me?

I'll build you a boat.

Kevin's more of an independent woman,

but if you want,

you can watch her tomorrow during my video shoot.

I would love that.

This little lady's gonna help me through

the toughest day of my life.

You know, studies have shown

that petting a dog is very therapeutic.

Unless your allergic.

Then you'll just get hives.

And too bad there's no way to connect people who need

pet sitters with

people who need therapy animals.

Like an Airbnb but for pets.

I'll call the app...

Kevin.

Yeah, I need her back now.