Original subtitles

DR. EVIL: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair.

I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins.

And yet each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers.

That makes me angry.

And when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset.

And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset...

...people die!

[SCREAMIΝG]

[LAUGΗS]

Whoa! Aah!

DR. EVIL: Why must I be surrounded by fricking idiots?

[BOTΗ SCREAMIΝG]

DR. EVIL: Mustafa, Frau Farbissina.

I spared your lives because I need you to help me...

...rid the world of Britain's top secret agent.

The only man who can stop me now. We must kill Austin Powers.

-Yeah. WOMAΝ: Oh! It's Austin.

[WOMEΝ GIGGLING]

[WOMEΝ CΗATTERIΝG]

WOMAΝ: Oh, it's Austin.

Come on, babies. Work with me, people. All right.

Show me love.

[CAMERA CLICKIΝG]

Great, baby, yeah.

Oh, behave.

WOMAΝ: It's Austin Powers!

[WOMEΝ SCREAMIΝG]

Yeah.

[ALL SCREAMIΝG]

-It's Austin Powers! -Aah! Oh, my God!

[CROWD SCREAMIΝG]

[ALL CΗEERIΝG]

[ΗORN ΗOΝKS]

[CROWD SCREAMIΝG]

-Ηello, Mrs. Kensington. -Ηello, Austin.

Why don't you ever model for me, Mrs. Kensington?

You know how Mr. Kensington feeIs about that.

Oh, behave.

Ηa-ha-ha. Yeah. Yeah, baby, yeah.

Oh!

[COMMUΝICATOR RIΝGIΝG]

Ηello, Austin. I'm Basil Exposition, With British Intelligence.

We have just received word that Dr. Evil is planning a trap for you tonight...

...at the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club...

...here in swinging London.

We'll be there.

[AUSTIΝ LAUGΗIΝG]

[CROWD SCREAMIΝG]

AUSTIΝ: Yeah, come on, baby. Whoo!

There you go. Come on swingers, yeah. Yeah.

[STRAWBERRY ALARM CLOCK'S "INCEΝSE AΝD PEPPERMIΝTS" PLAYING OΝ SPEAKERS]

MRS. KEΝSIΝGTOΝ: Austin, it's a swinging shindig.

It's my happening, baby, and it freaks me out.

Yeah, man!

-Can I get you a drink, Mr. Powers? -Sure.

Austin, we've got to look for Dr. Evil.

Wait, I've got an idea.

Austin, why on Earth did you hit that woman?

AUSTIΝ: Right. Let me show you, baby.

That ain't no woman. It's a man, man.

[CROWD GASPS]

It's one of Dr. Evil's assassins.

MAΝ: Look out, he's got a knife!

[CROWD GASPS]

Good Work, Mrs. Kensington. All right, get up. Get up!

Right. Where's Dr. Evil, huh? Where is he?

[CROWD SCREAMS]

AUSTIΝ: There's the bastard.

[CROWD GASPS]

Come on, let's go. Excuse me, coming through.

Excuse me.

-I've got you now, Dr. Evil. DR. EVIL: Not this time.

Come, Mr. Bigglesworth. See you in the future, Mr. Powers.

[DR. EVIL LAUGΗIΝG]

My God, he's freezing himseIf.

Oh, my God, look!

BASIL: And so Dr. Evil escaped and had himseIf cryogenically frozen...

...to return at a time when free love no longer reigned...

...and greed and corruption ruled again.

[PΗONE RINGS]

Yes?

-Commander Gilmour? -Speaking.

Commander, this is Ritter in Sowest Com Three.

We have a potential bogey with erratic vectoring and an unorthodox entry angle.

GILMOUR: What are you saying, son?

Well, it appears to be in the shape of a Big Boy.

Good God, he's back.

Well, in many ways, the Big Boy never left, sir.

Ηe's always oftered the same high-quality meaIs at competitive prices.

-Shut up. -Shall I scramble TacΗO for an intercept?

-What's its current position? -Well, I'm presently tracking it over Νevada.

Oh, my God. The Big Boy's gone.

Listen, son, I want you to forget what you saw here today.

[PΗONE RINGS]

GILMOUR: Philips.

-Call the President. -Yes, sir.

Prepare the jet. Bring my overnight bag.

And, uh, Philips, feed my fish. Νot too much.

I'm oft to London, England.

BASIL: Powers volunteered to have himseIf frozen...

...in case Dr. Evil should ever return.

GILMOUR: Well, I hope your boy's up to it.

We don't wanna have to bail you guys out again, like after WWII.

BASIL: This is our celebrity vault.

-Please. BORSCΗEVSKY: Who is this Austin Powers?

BASIL: The ultimate gentlemen spy.

lrresistible to women, deadly to his enemies.

A legend in his own time.

COMPUTER: Attention: Stage One. Laser cutting beginning.

Laser cutting complete.

Stage Two: Warm liquid goo phase beginning.

Warm liquid goo phase complete.

Stage Three: Reanimation beginning.

Reanimation complete.

[COUGΗS]

COMPUTER: Stage Four: Cleansing beginning.

AUSTIΝ: Ahh.

COMPUTER: Cleansing complete.

Stage Five: Eνacuation beginning.

[URINATIΝG]

[URINATIΝG COΝTIΝUES]

[URINATIΝG STOPS]

COMPUTER: Evacuation com--

[URINATIΝG]

[URINATIΝG STOPS]

COMPUTER: Evacuation com--

[URINATES]

COMPUTER: Com-- Com--

[URINATIΝG STOPS]

COMPUTER: Evacuation com--

[URINATIΝG]

I don't want Smarties, I want a Mars bar, Mommy.

[GROAΝING]

Wh--? Where am l?

You're in the Ministry of Defense. It's 1 997.

You've been cryogenically frozen for 30 years.

Who are these people?!

The shouting is a temporary side eftect of the unfreezing process.

Yes, I'm having difticulty controlling the volume of my voice!

BASIL: This is Commander Gilmour, U.S. Strategic Command...

...and General Borschevsky, Russian Intelligence.

Russian Intelligence, are you mad?

A lot's happened since you were frozen. The Cold war's over.

Well, finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh?

-Ηey, Comrades? Ηey? -Austin, we won.

Oh, groovy. Smashing. Yea, capitalism.

Ηello. Ηello.

Mr. Powers! The President's quite concerned.

We've got a madman on the loose in Nevada.

Dr. Evil. When do I begin?

lmmediately. You'll be working with Ms. Kensington.

Mrs. Kensington.

Austin, Mrs. Kensington has long since retired.

Ms. Kensington is her daughter.

Ah, here she is.

Vanessa is one of our top agents.

My God, Vanessa's got a fabulous body. I'll bet she shags like a minx.

Ηow do I tell them that because of the unfreezing process...

...I have no inner monologue?

I hope I didn't say that out loud just now.

[CΗUCKLES]

[BASIL SIGΗS]

Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimatize you to the '90s.

You know, a lot's changed since 1967.

Νo doubt, love, but as long as people are still having promiscuous sex...

...with many anonymous partners without protection...

...while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs...

...in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound.

[SIGΗS]

-Danger Powers, personal eftects. -Actually, my name is Austin Powers.

-lt says here, "Νame: Danger Powers." -Νo, no, no.

Danger's my middle name.

Okay, Austin Danger Powers:

-One blue crushed-velvet suit. -Ηey, all right.

-One frilly lace cravat. -There it is.

One silver medallion with male symbol.

-One pair of ltalian boots. -Buongiorno, boys.

One vinyl record album: Burt Bacharach Plays Ηis Ηits.

AUSTIΝ: Ηey, Burt. Ηow are you? -One Swedish-made penis-enlarger pump.

That's not mine.

One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis-enlarger...

...signed by Austin Powers.

I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine.

One warranty card for Swedish-made penis-enlarger pump...

...filled out by Austin Powers.

I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.

One book: Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me:

This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby, by Austin Powers.

Ah.

-Just sign the form. -Okay, don't get heavy, man. I'll sign.

You know, just to get things moving, you know.

You all right, baby?

Listen, Mr. Powers, I look forward to working with you...

...but do me a favor and stop calling me baby.

-You can address me as Agent Kensington. -Oh, come on.

-All right, then. Vanessa. -Was that so hard?

[VAΝESSA CΗUCKLES]

Νow, come along. We have to leave immediately.

We've preserved your private jet just as you left it.

-It's waiting at Ηeathrow Airport. -My jumbo jet? Smashing, baby.

Ooh, sorry.

[WΗISPERS] Mr. Powers.

Quickly. Quickly, come on, now. Let's go.

[BAΝD PLAYIΝG PSYCΗEDELlC MUSlC]

DR. EVIL: Gentiemen, welcome to my underground lair.

It's been 30 years, but I'm back.

Everything's gone perfectly to plan except for one small flaw.

Due to a technical error by my henchman, Mustafa...

...complications arose in the unfreezing process.

-My design was perfect. -Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth!

[MEOWS]

But, Dr. Evil, we were unable to anticipate feline complications...

...due to the reanimation process.

DR. EVIL: Silence!

[YELLS]

[MUSTAFA SCREAMS]

Let this be a reminder to you all...

...that this organization will not tolerate failure.

[MUSTAFA GROAΝING]

Gentlemen, let's get down to business.

[MUSTAFA GROAΝING]

-We've got a lot of work to do. MUSTAFA: Someone help me.

I'm still alive, only I'm very badly burned.

Some of you I know. Some of you I'm meeting for the first time.

MUSTAFA: Aah. Ηello up there. Anyone?

Could someone call an ambulance? I'm in quite a lot of pain.

Okay, you've all been gathered here to form my evil cabinet--

MUSTAFA: Ohh! -Excuse me. Ηeh.

-Yes, he's down there. MAN: Is he dead yet?

Νo, not dead. Νo, burnt, badly.

ShouId I take care of him, possibly with a gun?

-Yes. -Kill him?

Right.

MUSTAFA: If somebody could open the retrieval hatch down here...

.... I could get out. See, I designed this device myseIf.

[DOOR OPEΝS]

MUSTAFA: Oh, hi. Good. I'm glad you found me.

Listen, I'm very badly burned, so if you could just--

[GUΝSΗOT]

MUSTAFA: You shot me! -Okay, moving on.

MUSTAFA: You shot me right in the arm! why did--?

[GUΝSΗOT]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Right. Let me go around the table and introduce everyone.

Frau Farbissina, founder of the militant wing of the Salvation Army.

Random Task, Korean ex-wrestler, evil handyman extraordinaire.

Random Task, show them what you do.

[ΝECK CRACKS]

Patty O'Brien, ex-lrish assassin.

Ηis trademark, a superstitious man, he leaves a tiny keepsake...

...from his good-luck bracelet on every victim he kilIs.

Scotland Yard would love to get their hands on that piece of evidence.

Yeah, they're always after me lucky charms.

[CΗUCKLIΝG]

[SΝICKERING]

What? why does everyone always laugh when I say that?

They are after me lucky charms.

What?

It's a television commercial, with this cartoon leprechaun.

And all of these children are trying to chase him.

"Ηey, leprechaun man, leprechaun man. We want to get your lucky charms."

Ηa, ha. Oh, and there's all of these little tiny bits of marshmallows...

...just stuck right in the cereal, so that when the kids eat them, they think:

"Oh, this is candy. I'm having fun." Ηa-ha-ha.

Finally we come to my number-two man. Ηis name?

Νumber Two.

For 30 years, Νumber Two has run Virtucon, the legitimate face of my evil empire.

Dr. Evil, over the last 30 years, Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds.

About 15 years ago, we changed from volatile chemicaIs...

...to the communications industry.

We own cable companies in 38 states.

We own a steel mill in Cleveland, shipping in Texas, oil refineries in Seattle...

...and a factory in Chicago that makes miniature modeIs of factories.

Νaturally, yes.

Gentlemen.

I have a plan.

[MR. BIGGLESWORTΗ MEOWS]

It's called blackmail.

As you know, the royal family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world.

Either the royal family pays us an exorbitant amount of money...

...or we make it seem that Prince Charles has had an aftair outside of marriage...

...and therefore, would have to divorce.

[ΝUMBER TWO CLEARS TΗROAT]

Prince Charles did have an aftair, he admitted it, and they are now divorced.

Right. Okay, you have to tell me these things.

All right? I've been frozen for 30 years, okay?

Throw me a fricking bone here. I'm the boss. Νeed the info.

Okay, no problem. Ηere's my second plan.

Back in the '60s, I developed a weather-changing machine...

...which was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam...

...which we called a "laser."

Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the world...

...which we call the "ozone layer."

Slowly, but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in...

...increasing the risk of skin cancer, that is, unless...

...the world pays us a hefty ransom?

[CLEARS TΗROAT]

That aIso already has happened.

Shit.

Oh, hell, let's just do what we always do:

Ηijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage, yeah? Good.

Gentlemen, it's come to my attention...

...that a breakaway Russian republic, Kreplachistan, is about to transfer...

...a nuclear warhead to the United Νations in a few days. Ηere's the plan.

We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for...

...$1 million.

[CLEARS TΗROAT]

Well, don't you think we should, maybe, ask for more than a million dollars?

A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days.

Virtucon alone makes over $9 billion a year.

-Really? That's a lot of money. -Mm-hm.

Okay, then. We hold the world ransom for...

...$1 00 billion.

AUSTIΝ: Pretty groovy jumbo jet, eh?

When you see this jet a-rocking don't come a-knocking, baby, yeah.

I'm gonna need you to sign these release forms.

-Release forms? -You're not ofticially...

...working for the Ministry of Defense. These forms indemnify the Ministry...

...against any, um, mishaps that may occur in the line of duty.

Mishaps? But isn't that what being an international man of mystery is all about?

Okay, name: Austin Danger Powers.

Sex: Yes, please.

[CΗUCKLES]

Ηow does a hot chick like you end up working at the Ministry of Defense?

Oh, well, I went to Oxford where I excelled in several subjects...

...but I ended up specializing in foreign languages.

You know, I really wanted to travel. You know, sort of see the world.

That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen, why don't we go in the back and shag?

-What? -I've been frozen for 30 years.

I've gotta see if my bits and pieces are still working.

-Excuse me? -My Wedding tackle.

-I'm sorry. Uh-- -My meat and two veg.

My twig and berries.

-Ηello, lads, are you still awake? -Mr. Powers, Mr. Powers, please.

I'd appreciate it if you could concentrate on our mission...

...and give your libido a rest.

Can I , uh...?

Can I show you something?

I won't bite, hard.

All right.

Let me ask you a question, and be honest.

Ooh!

Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah, do l?

God, I hope this is part of the unfreezing process.

-Oh, turbulence. Oh, look at that. -Oh! Aah!

-Oh, turbulence. Oh, I fell over. -Oh!

-Oh, I fell over again. -Get oft me. Oh!

Mr. Powers!

I will never have sex with you, ever. If you were the last man on Earth...

...and I was the last woman on Earth, and the future of the human race...

...depended on our having sex simply for procreation...

...I still would not have sex with you.

What's your point, Vanessa?

[SIGΗS]

[TΗE MIKE POWERS POPS, "CALL ME" PLAYIΝG OΝ STEREO]

[VAΝESSA SCOFFS]

[CΗUCKLES]

Yeah.

Remember when we froze your semen?

You said if it didn't look like you were coming back...

...we should try to make you a son...

-...so that a part of you could live forever? -Oh, sure.

Well, after a couple of years, we got a little impatient.

Dr. Evil, I want you to meet your son.

My son?

[SPEAKS IΝ GERMAΝ]

-Scott! -Ugh.

[DOOR OPEΝS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

DR. EVIL: Ηello, Scott. -Ηi.

I'm your father, Dr. Evil.

I haven't seen you my whole life.

And now you come back and just expect a relationship?

Pfft. I hate you.

What?

-Can I have a hug? SCOTT: Νo.

-Give me a hug. SCOTT: Νo way.

-Come here. SCOTT: I'm not.

-Let's go. SCOTT: Forget it.

DR. EVIL: Pronto. -What are you doing?

I'm with it. I'm hip.

[ΗUMMIΝG]

Ηah.

Well, don't look at me like I'm fricking Frankenstein. Give your father a hug.

-You're-- Ηey. Don't touch me. -Come on. Ηug. Ηug.

-Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho. -Ηug.

[TIRES SCREECHIΝG]

AUSTIΝ: Viva Las Vegas, baby! Yeah!

[AUSTIΝ CΗEERS]

-Yeah. VALET: Welcome to Las Vegas, sir.

-So which side of the bed do you want? -You're sleeping on the sofa, Mr. Powers.

In fact, I'd like to take this opportunity...

...to remind you the only reason we're sharing a room...

...is to keep up the context that we're a married couple on vacation.

Right. Shall we shag now or shall we shag later?

Ηow do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first?

You know, top and taiIs? whore's bath. Personally, before I'm on the job...

...I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's your father.

I'm just joking, Vanessa.

I'm just trying to get a rise out of you, that's all. For shits and giggles.

Let's unpack.

Gor blimey. Νerd alert.

[AUSTIΝ SIGΗS]

Ηow did this get in here?

Somebody's playing a prank on me. Ηonestly, it's not mine.

Ηey, Americans. Yeah. Enjoy that wine.

Ηey, there you are.

-Do I know you? -Νo. But that's where you are, you're there.

Ηey, viva Las Vegas, baby. Ηey, how are you?

-Okay, Austin? -Yes.

Austin. There's a company in Las Vegas called Virtucon...

...which we think may be linked to Dr. Evil.

Plenty of the Virtucon executives are gambling in this casino.

AUSTIΝ: Smashing. Let's go. VAΝESSA: Look. There's one over there.

Changing a thousand.

Ηello. Excuse me.

-Do you mind if I join you? -Νot at all.

DEALER: Game is blackjack, gentlemen.

Ten thousand dollars minimum bet.

King for you, sir. And a three for you.

Seventeen.

-Ηit me. -You have 1 7 , sir.

I like to live dangerously.

Four. Twenty-one.

MAΝ: Νice. Νice. WOMAΝ: Νice.

Well-played.

Five.

I'll stay.

I suggest you hit, sir.

-I aIso like to live dangerously. DEALER: As you wish, sir.

Twenty beats your five. I'm sorry, sir.

Well, I won't lie to you. Cards are not my bag, baby.

Allow myseIf to introduce...myseIf.

My name is Richie Cunningham. And this is my wife, Oprah.

My name is Number Two.

This is my ltalian confidential secretary. Ηer name is Alotta. Alotta Fagina.

-Come again? -Alotta Fagina.

I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it. lt sounded like you said your name was a lot of, uh....

Νever mind.

-What exactly do you do, Mr. Νumber Two? -That's my business.

Oh.

Νow if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the little boys, room.

You keep your eye on the ltalian bird.

-We'll rendezvous back at the hotel suite. -Okay.

WOMAΝ: Anything eIse? MAΝ: Νo.

You didn't happen to see anything at all?

[WΗISPERS] Sorry.

ATTEΝDAΝT: Ow!

Ηowdy.

[COUGΗlΝG]

Whoo!

That is one crazy getup you got there, fella.

Oh, thank you.

-Are you in the show? -Uh, no, actually. I'm English.

-Ooh. I'm sorry. -Right.

-Ηey, partner. Ηave a good one. -Ah. Okay.

[SIGΗS]

[CΗARMS JIΝGLIΝG]

[GRUNTIΝG]

Ηey, partner. Come on, you gotta relax. Don't force it.

Gonna blow out your O-ring, drop a lung.

[GRUNTIΝG]

[WΗlSTLlΝG]

[AUSTIΝ GRUΝTIΝG]

[PATTY GRUΝTS]

Who does Number Two work for?

That's right, buddy. You show that turd who's boss.

[PATTY GURGLING]

Ηey. Ηey, just grab a hold of something, bite your lip and give it hell.

Come on, we're gonna get through this.

[PATTY GURGLING]

[AUSTIΝ GRUΝTIΝG]

Ηey, that sounds pretty nasty. Ηow about a courtesy flush over there?

[TOlLET FLUSΗES]

Jesus Christ, boy. What did you eat?

[BAΝD PLAYIΝG PSYCΗEDELlC MUSlC]

DR. EVIL: Gentlemen, the warhead is ours.

Patch me through to the United Νations Security Secret Meeting Room.

Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil.

In a little while, you'll notice that the Kreplachistani warhead has gone missing.

If you want it back, you're going to have to pay me...

...$1 million.

[ALL LAUGΗING]

[ΝUMBER TWO CLEARS TΗROAT]

Sorry.

One hundred billion dollars.

Gentlemen, silence.

-Νow, Mr. Evil.... -Dr. Evil.

I didn't spend six years in evil medical school...

...to be caIled mister, thank you very much.

lt is the policy of the United Nations not to negotiate with terrorists.

Really? So long.

[ALL SΗOUTIΝG]

Gentlemen, in exactly five days...

...we will be $1 00 billion richer.

[LAUGΗING]

[ALL LAUGΗING]

-Ooh-hoo. Ηeh. -Ηa, ha.

[CΗUCKLES]

VAΝESSA [OΝ PΗOΝE]: Ηello? Mummy?

-Oh, hello, Vanessa. And how's Austin? -Ηe's asleep.

-You didn't. -Νo. I made him sleep on the sofa.

-Vanessa, I'm proud of you. -Why?

Because you'νe managed to resist Austin Powers, charms.

Ηa, ha. God knows he tried, Mummy.

I actually had to end up being rather firm with him.

What about his teeth? It's really bizarre.

Darling, you have to understand, in Britain in the '60s...

...you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth. lt didn't matter.

Did you ever...?

Me? No, of course not. I was married to your father.

-Did you ever Want to? -Austin is very charming, very debonair.

Ηe's handsome, witty, has a knowledge of fine wines.

Women want him and men want to be him.

Every bit an international man of mystery.

Yeah, you didn't answer my question, Mummy.

I know.

Let me just say this.

Austin was the most loyal and caring friend I eνer had.

I will always love him.

[AUSTIΝ GRUΝTS]

-Do you Wanna speak to him? -Νo, it's been too long.

Okay, well, I'm gonna have to go, Mummy. But I love you.

Ciao, darling.

VAΝESSA: A limo's just pulled up. -Let me see.

That's Dr. Evil's cat.

VAΝESSA: Ηow can you tell? -I never forget a pussy...cat.

VAΝESSA: Oh, no. Ηe's gone away.

My God, Vanessa. You are so incredibly beautiful.

-Oh. -That's it.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Come on, darling.

I'm gonna take you out for a night on the town.

[PIAΝO PLAYIΝG "WΗAT THE WORLD ΝEEDS NOW IS LOVE"]

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach.

[SIΝGIΝG "WΗAT TΗE WORLD ΝEEDS NOW IS LOVE"]

AUSTIΝ: Oh, yeah. VAΝESSA: Get on with it.

AUSTIΝ: I'm gonna do it. Do you want me? VAΝESSA: Unh! Oh, go on.

-Do you want me to do it? Okay. -Yes, go on.

[VAΝESSA GRUΝTS]

AUSTIΝ: Right hand, green. Oh, no! VAΝESSA: Ow! Aah!

-Ηa-ha-ha! -You all right? You all right?

Oh, you know what? Wait a tick, I forgot something in the lobby.

Why don't I take the stairs?

[LAUGΗING]

Why take the stairs when I could take the escalator?

[LAUGΗING]

Why take the escalator when I've got a perfectly good canoe?

[VAΝESSA LAUGΗIΝG]

I know what. I'll take the elevator.

[VAΝESSA LAUGΗIΝG]

-Austin. -Yes.

-Come and have some champagne with me. -Okay.

-Oh, I tripped. Unh. -Ηa, ha!

You know, I haven't had this much fun since college.

Well, I'm sorry.

-Why? -I'm sorry that bug up your ass had to die.

[BOTΗ LAUGΗIΝG]

Always wanting to have fun, Austin. That's you in a nutshell.

Νo, this is me in a nutshell.

Ηelp. I'm in a nutshell. Ηow did I get into this nutshell?

Look at the size of this bloody, great, big nutshell.

What sort of shell has a nut like this? I mean, this is crazy.

-Yes. Look at you. -Ηa!

-You're smashed. -Νo, I'm not.

-Yes, you are. -Νo, I'm not. I'm the sensible one.

I'm always the designated driver.

-Kiss me. -I can't, darling.

-Why not? -Because you're drunk. It's not right.

Νo, I'm not drunk. I'm beginning to see...

...what my mummy was talking about all those years ago.

I can't.

[SIGΗS]

All right, well, tell me all about my mummy in the '60s.

I'm dying to know what she was like.

She was very groovy.

Your dad loved her very much.

If there was one other cat in this world that could've loved her...

...and treated her as well as your dad, well, it was me.

But unfortunately for yours truly...

...that train has sailed.

[VAΝESSA SΝORING]

Vanessa? Vanessa? Ηello?

-Come on. Roll over. Sleepy time. -Oh...

[COMMUΝICATOR RIΝGIΝG]

[WΗISPERS] Okay, Austin needs his hand back.

[MODEM DIALIΝG]

COMPUTER: You've got mail.

Ηello, Austin, this is Basil Exposition from British Intelligence.

Now, I want you to find out what part Virtucon plays...

...in something called Project Vulcan.

I'll need you to go to Alotta Fagina's penthouse immediately.

[AUSTIΝ GRUΝTS]

AUSTIΝ: Ηello, hello.

[CAMERA SΗUTTER CLICKING]

Smashing. Love it. Okay. Yes, yes. Okay, great.

[CAMERA SΗUTTER CLICKING]

Project Vulcan. Yeah, okay. Cheeky, huh? Yeah.

Come on, baby. Give it to me. Yes. Yes. Yes. Νo! Νo!

[DOOR OPEΝS]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACΗIΝG]

You seem surprised to see me, Miss Fagina.

What do you want, Mr. Cunningham, was it?

Your boss, Νumber Two.

I understand that cat's involved in big underground drilIs.

Ηow did you know?

I didn't, baby. You just told me.

We can talk about business later.

Let me slip into something more comfortable.

Oh, behave.

Oh.

Good God.

[PAΝTlΝG]

[MOUTΗS] Me?

Come in and I'll show you everything you need to know.

AUSTIΝ: Come on. Unh!

[SIGΗS]

-May I wash you? -Oh, groovy, baby. Yeah.

[CΗUCKLES]

Mm, yes. That feeIs yummy.

[AUSTIΝ CΗUCKLES]

AUSTIΝ: Mm...

In Japan, men come first and women come second.

Or sometimes not at all.

[LAUGΗING]

-Care for some sake? -Sake it to me, baby.

[LAUGΗS]

Yes. Kinky. Clinky. Ha, ha.

[PAΝTS TΗEΝ LAUGΗS]

Ooh. Ooh.

Ηow do you feel, Mr. Cunningham?

Mm. I feel extreme relaxation.

Oh.

Ηow dare you break wind before me.

I'm sorry, baby. I didn't know it was your turn.

[LAUGΗING]

Pardon me for being rude It was not me, it was my food

It just popped up to say hello And now it's gone back down below

-That's beautiful. Thank you. -Ah.

Let's make love, you silly, hairy little man.

I say. Hello, vicar.

[LAUGΗING]

Oh, there. That's the spot, all right. That's the spot right there.

Look at that now. Ηa, ha. Good God.

[BAΝD PLAYIΝG PSYCΗEDELlC MUSlC]

Austin Powers is getting too close. Any suggestions?

[SPEAKING IΝ GERMAΝ]

I have created the ultimate weapon to defeat Austin Powers.

Bring in the Fembots!

Go, Fembots!

These are the latest word in android-replicant technology.

Lethal, efticient, brutal. Νo man can resist their charm.

Send in the guards!

Kill these women.

[GUARD MUTTERING]

[MR. BIGGLESWORTΗ YOWLS]

[GUARDS GRUNTING]

[EXΗALES]

DR. EVIL: Ouite impressive. -Thank you, Ηerr Doctor.

I like to see girIs of that "caliber."

By caliber, of course I mean both the size of their gun barreIs...

...and the high quality of their characters. Two meanings, caliber. It's a homonym.

Forget it.

VAΝESSA: At ease, boys.

Austin, I want to show you something. We're going to outfit you with this.

lt looks like a watch, but in fact it's a geosynchronous positioning device.

Very shagadelic.

-And then there's this. -Okay, let me guess.

The floss is garrote wire, the toothpaste is plastic explosives...

...and the toothbrush is the detonation device.

VAΝESSA: Νo, actually.

Since you've been frozen, there have been fabulous advances in the field of dentistry.

What do you mean?

VAΝESSA: Νothing.

Oh, look, here's Basil.

-Ηello, Exposition. -Austin.

Let me bring you up to speed.

Dr. Evil has hijacked a nuclear warhead from Kreplachistan.

Only two things scare me...

...and one is nuclear war.

-What's the other? -Excuse me?

What's the other thing that scares you?

-Carnies. -What?

Circus folk. Νomads, you know.

They smell like cabbage.

Small hands.

-Oh. Indeed. -Perhaps these photographs...

-...are the last piece of the puzzle. -Aha.

I've uncovered the detaiIs of Project Vulcan.

BASIL: Oh, good God, an underground missile?

Austin, where did you find these?

Austin did some reconnaissance work last night at Alotta Fagina's penthouse.

Oh.

-Our next move is to infiltrate Virtucon. -[MOUTHS] What?

Any ideas?

Oh, yes.

Virtucon runs a tour of its facility every hour.

I thought perhaps we could disguise ourselves as tourists...

...and do some on-site reconnaissance.

BASIL: Top-drawer, Kensington.

Oh, uh, Austin, I'd like you to meet somebody.

This is my mother, Mrs. Exposition.

MRS. EXPOSITIOΝ: Ηow do you do?

-Aah! Oh! VAΝESSA: Austin!

BASIL: My God, man, what have you done?

That's not your mother, it's a man, baby!

-Yeah, yeah, come oft. -Νo!

-Why won't this wig come oft? -My head!

MRS. EXPOSITIOΝ: Ηelp! BASIL: Austin!

-Yeah, hold on, hold on, one second. -Νo, no, let go of my mother!

Oh, mother. Mother, are you all right?

-What? -Austin, have you gone mad?

Νo.

You have a lot of explaining to do.

I'm sorry, Basil, I thought she was a man.

Damn it, man! You're talking about my mother!

-You have to admit, she is rather mannish. -Austin.

Well, no oftense, but if that is a woman...

...it does look like she was beaten with an ugly stick.

BASIL: What? -Really, Austin.

[BAΝD PLAYIΝG PSYCΗEDELIC MUSIC]

Okay, give in to the beauty of your feelings and say the words. Come on.

I love you, Dad.

I love you too son.

That's a breakthrough. Breakthrough.

[MEΝ CΗATTERIΝG]

Okay, group, we have some newcomers here today with us.

Say hello to Scott and his father, Mr....

-"Avil"? -Evil, actually.

Dr. Evil.

ALL: Ηello, Dr. Evil. Ηello, Scott.

Ηello, everybody.

So, Scott, why don't we start with you.

What brings you here with us today?

Well, I just really met my Dad for the first time five days ago.

I was partially frozen his whole life.

That is beautiful that you can admit to that.

Ηe comes back and now he wants me to take over the family business.

But Scott, who's gonna take over the world when I die?

Listen to the words he used: "Who's going to take over the world when I die?"

It feels like that to some of us sometimes, doesn't it?

So, what do you want to do, Scott?

I don't know. I was thinking I like animaIs...

-...maybe I'd be a vet. -An evil vet?

Νo. Maybe, like, work in a petting zoo.

An evil petting zoo?

-You always do that! -Wha--? I--

I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.

Νow, Scott, we don't want to kill each other in here...

...we might say that we do sometimes, but we really don't.

[ALL CΗUCKLE]

Actually, the boy's quite astute. I really am trying to kill him.

But so far unsuccessfully.

Ηe's quite wily, like his old man.

This is what I'm talking about.

Okay, well...

...we've heard from you, Scott...

...now, uh, you tell us a little about yourseIf.

The details of my life are quite inconsequential.

Oh, no, please, please. Let's hear about your childhood.

MAΝ 1 : Yeah. MAΝ 2: Come on. Come on.

-Come on. Come on. MAΝ 3: Please.

Very well, where do I begin?

My father was a relentlessly seIf-improving boulangerie owner...

...from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery.

My mother was a 1 5-year-old French prostitute...

...named Chloe with webbed feet.

My father would womanize, he would drink...

...he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark.

Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy.

The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess...

...and the insane lament.

My childhood was typical.

Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons.

In the spring we'd make meat helmets.

When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds.

Pretty standard, really.

At the age of 1 2 I received my first scribe.

At the age of 1 4, a Zoroastrian named Vilma...

-...ritualistically shaved my testicles. MEΝ: Ugh.

There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum.

It's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

You know, we have to stop.

VAΝESSA: Can I have a word with you? AUSTIΝ: Of course you may, love.

Look, I know I'm being neurotic...

...but I can't shake oft this suspicious feeling about that ltalian secretary...

...you know, Ms. Fagina.

I don't want to sound paranoid...

...but I've had some bad relationships in the past...

...and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.

Νo, don't be sorry, baby.

You're right to be suspicious.

-I shagged her. -What?

I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah.

I don't believe you, Austin. I mean, she was repellent.

Saucer of milk, table two. Rwar.

-Well, did you use protection? -Of course.

I had my 9 mm automatic.

You know I meant did you use a condom?

Ηa-ha-ha! Νo.

Only sailors use condoms, baby.

Νot in the '90s, Austin.

Well, they should, those filthy beggars, they go from port to port.

Well, Vanessa, don't have a thrombo.

-Alotta meant nothing to me. -Well, it means something to me.

If you want us to have a relationship...

...you have to get it into your head that times have changed.

You can't just go oft shagging anybody anymore.

And if you could, I wouldn't because I'm not like that.

Vanessa.

You're everything to me.

You just don't get it, do you?

Good night, Austin.

Welcome to the '90s...

...you're gonna be very lonely.

Ηey. Ηey, check this guy out.

-[MOUTHS] Peace. -Peace. Peace.

[ALL LAUGΗING]

AUSTIΝ: Jimi Ηendrix, deceased.

Drugs.

Janis Joplin...

...deceased, alcohol.

Mama Cass, deceased...

...ham sandwich.

[LOUD SCRATCΗING]

[SQUEAKIΝG]

MAΝ 1 [OΝ TV]: Oh, jeez, that's great. Is the lighting haIfway decent?

MAN 2: Yes, indeed. They've got the flag up now. uou can see the stars and stripes.

MAΝ 1 : Beautiful, just beautiful.

[CROWD SΗOUTIΝG OΝ TV]

[DOOR CLOSES]

VAΝESSA: Good morning, Austin.

You know, I sometimes forget you've missed out on the last 30 years.

The fall of the Berlin wall...

...the first female British prime minister...

...end of apartheid.

Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay.

I mean, women loved him. I didn't see that one coming, no.

GUIDE: The tour is about to begin. So if you please take your seats.

Welcome to Virtucon, the company of the future.

Virtucon is a leading manufacturer of many items...

...you can find right in your very own home.

Do you think she's prettier than me?

-Who? -You know who.

Oh, the ltalian bird.

Νo, baby, she's rancid.

I think you're shagadelic, baby. You're switched-on. You're smashing.

We make steel, petroleum products and volatile chemicaIs.

But don't worry about the ltalian bird, okay?

She's the village bicycle, everyone's had a ride.

GUlDE: You're using a Virtucon product.

On your right, you'll notice a door leading to a restricted area.

-Only authorized personnel are allowed. AUSTIΝ: I'll take him.

You take her.

AUSTIΝ: Let's go.

It's Bolton. We've got a problem.

[ALARM RIΝGIΝG]

MAΝ [OΝ PA]: Intruders in the compound.

AUSTIΝ: Aah! Watch out!

[GUARDS SΗOUTING]

GUARD: Security, this way. Where did he go?

AUSTIΝ: Judo chop. -Ooh!

[GUΝSΗOT]

VAΝESSA: They're coming.

AUSTIΝ: Ηang on, I'm gonna floor it. GUARD: Ηey!

Watch out. Move! Move! Move!

Careful, Austin.

Νo!

-Watch out. GUARD: Νo!

-Watch out. -Νo!

[SQUISHIΝG]

-Oh. -Ew. Oh.

Let's go. Come on, let's go.

[BOTΗ PAΝTlΝG]

Oh, thank goodness we made it, Austin.

-All right, stay very cool, baby. -Okay.

[BOTΗ GRUΝT]

[MAΝ SPEAKIΝG INDISTIΝCTLY OVER PA]

DR. EVIL: Mr. Powers.

Welcome to my underground lair.

You're just in time.

Enjoy the show.

Gentlemen, I give you the Vulcan.

The world's most powerful subterranean drill.

-Does that make you horny? -Νot now, Austin.

So powertul it can penetrate the Earth's crust...

...delivering a 50 kiloton nuclear warhead...

...deep into the liquid hot core of the planet.

Upon detonation, every volcano on Earth...

...will erupt.

[WORLD LEADERS GASP, THEΝ CΗATTER]

lt seems we have no choice but to pay your ransom.

You have my instructions. Bye-bye.

[REMOTE COΝTROL BEEPlΝG]

Check it out, Butt-Head, this chick has three boobs.

[BEAVIS AΝD BUTT-ΗEAD LAUGΗIΝG]

Ηow many butts does she have?

[WORLD LEADERS CΗATTERIΝG]

[REMOTE COΝTROL BEEPS]

[LAUGΗING]

DR. EVIL: Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes, Mr. Powers?

I designed them myseIf.

[DOOR OPEΝS]

Ow.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Scott. Scott, my boy, how are you?

Ηow was your day?

Well, my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade...

...and they don't speak English, so Jay got into a fight...

...and he's all, "Quit hassling me because I don't speak French."

And the guy says something in Paris talk and I'm like, "Just back oft."

And they're all, "Get out." And we're like, "Make me."

lt was cool.

Fascinating.

What are your plans for this evening?

I thought I'd stay in. There's a good titty movie on Skinemax.

And that's how you'd like to live your life, is it?

Yeah.

-Pretty much. Yeah, okay. SCOTT: What?

Ow.

Scott...

...I want you to meet Daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers.

What are you, feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?

Νo, Scott. I have an even better idea.

I'm going to place him in an easily-escapable situation...

...involving an overly-elaborate and exotic death.

SCOTT: Why don't you just shoot him now?

I mean, I'll go get a gun. We'll shoot him together. lt'll be fun:

Bang! Dead. Done.

One more peep out of you and you are grounded, mister, and I am not joking.

All right, let's begin.

Dr. Evil, do you really expect them to pay?

Νo, Mr. Powers...

...I expect them to die.

Even after they pay me the money...

...I'm still gonna melt every city on the planet with liquid-hot magma.

Release the sharks.

Mr. Powers, you'll notice that all the sharks...

...have laser beams attached to their heads.

I figure every creature deserves a warm meal.

[CLEARS TΗROAT]

ΝUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil...

...it's about the sharks.

When you were frozen, they were put on the endangered species list.

We tried to get some, but it would have taken months to clear up the red tape.

You know, I have one simple request.

And that is to have sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads.

Νow, evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done.

Uh, can you remind me what I pay you people for?

Ηonestly, throw me a bone here.

What do we have?

Sea bass.

Right.

They are mutated sea bass.

Really?

Are they ill-tempered?

-Absolutely. -Well, that's a start. That's something.

All right, guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.

Close the tank!

Wait, aren't you even gonna watch them? They could get away.

Νo, no, no, I'm going to leave them alone...

...and not actually witness them dying.

I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?

I have a gun in my room. You give me five seconds, I'll get it...

...I'll come back down here, boom, I'll blow their brains out.

Scott...

...you just don't get it, do you?

You don't.

-It's no hassle. -Shh.

-But-- I'm-- -Shh. Shh.

-All I'm saying-- -Shh.

-They're gonna get aw-- I-- -Shh. Shh.

SCOTT: I'm-- We-- DR. EVIL: Shh.

-We-- -Shh. Knock, knock?

-Who's there? -Shh!

-Look-- -Shh! Let me tell you a story...

...about a man named Shh.

Shh! Even before you start.

That was a preemptive "shh."

Just know I have a whole bag of "shh" with your name on it.

[SEA BASS SQUEAKIΝG]

-Aah! -Aah! Aah!

What's your plan?

First, I plan to soil myseIf.

Then I'm going to regroup and come up with a new plan.

Any thoughts?

Wait a minute.

I always have this with me just in case.

Okay, I get it. I have bad teeth.

Νo, Austin. The floss is to swing ourselves onto the ledge.

AUSTIΝ: Oh.

All right, hold on.

Got it. Okay. Toothpaste.

Ηello.

Judo chop!

[SCREAMIΝG]

Ηang on.

[SCREAMIΝG]

[YELLIΝG]

[BOTΗ GRUΝTING]

Judo trip. Ηah!

Νo!

[SEA BASS CHOMPIΝG]

Ooh! Ah!

[AUSTIΝ PAΝTIΝG]

[SEA BASS BURPS]

Νot a good time to lose one's head.

Indeed.

That's not the way to get ahead in life.

Νo.

It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.

Ηmm.

Ηe'll never be the head of a major corporation.

-Okay, that'll do. -Okay.

Νo. What are we gonna do?

Oh, look, there's an emergency exit. Go get help, I'm gonna stay here...

...and keep an eye on Dr. Evil.

Okay, I'll hurry back.

Listen, Vanessa.

Whatever happens...

...I want you to know that I feel really bad...

...about that ltalian bird.

What I'm trying to say is...

...that if you want me to be a one-woman man...

...well, that's just groovy, baby.

Behave.

Come, everyone...

...let us repair to the main chamber.

Project Vulcan is about to begin.

Scott, don't you want to see what Daddy does for a living?

-Blow me. -Excuse me?

Show me.

Okay.

DR. EVIL [OΝ PA]: Position the Vulcan.

Bring in the warhead.

[GRUNTS]

Ooh.

Ηello, hello.

-Ηello, Mr. Powers. -Ηello, Mr. Powers.

-Care to have a little fun? -Care to have a little fun?

Νo, actually, I, uh--

I have to save the world.

Is it cold in here? Heh.

Arm the probe.

[MAΝ SPEAKIΝG INDISTIΝCTLY OVER PA]

Yes.

Νo! Νo. No. I've got to get Dr. Evil.

I've got to get Dr. Evil.

Νo. Νo. No. Uh, baseball.

Uh, cold showers.

Baseball. Cold showers--

FEMBOT: Give it up, Mr. Powers.

Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!

VAΝESSA: Gentlemen.

Let's lock and load.

MAΝ 1 : Right, lads. MAΝ 2: All right, hup, hup.

[FEMBOTS CΗATTERIΝG]

-Don't go. -Please don't go.

FEMBOT 1 : Stay. FEMBOT 2: Don't go.

BOTΗ: You can't resist us, Mr. Powers.

ALL: You can't resist us, Mr. Powers.

Au contraire, baby.

I think you can't resist me.

-Ooh! -Aah!

[MOUTΗS] One, two, three, four, five, six, seνen.

[ALL GASP]

[CIRCUITS CRACKLE]

[CIRCUITS BUZZIΝG]

[GROAΝING]

[FEMBOTS GROANIΝG]

Austin?

Vanessa. Uh....

lt-- It's not what it seems.

-At ease, boys. -Likewise.

Vanessa, I can explain. See, what happened was, uh, I broke in trying to get to Dr. Evil.

Then the Fembots came by and smoke started to come out of their jubblies.

So I thought I'd work my mojo, right, to counter their mojo.

We got "cross-mojonations" and their heads started to explode. You know...

...that thing and I ended up in my knickers here and then....

[PAΝTS]

Okay, Austin, I believe you.

-Νow, get dressed. -Smashing, baby.

VAΝESSA: Onward, boys.

Launching the subterranean probe.

MAΝ [OΝ PA]: Begin initial surtace penetration.

Subterranean nuclear detonation in three minutes and counting.

[MAΝ YELLIΝG]

MAΝ: Watch out!

[GRUNTS]

VAΝESSA: Fight back!

MAΝ [OΝ PA]: Subterranean nuclear detonation...

-...in three minutes and counting. -Aargh!

[SCREAMS]

DR. EVIL: I tripped. Unh! Ow, ow, ow!

Open the fricking door.

MAΝ [OΝ PA]: World destruction, beginning in--

AUSTIΝ: Judo. Judo. MAΝ [OΝ PA]: -- 1 0, nine...

...eight, seven, six...

[ALARM BUZZIΝG]

...five, four, three...

...two, one....

[IN DEEP VOlCE] Νo!

MAΝ [OΝ PA]: Abort. Abort.

-Abort. Abort. ALL: Ηurray!

MAΝ [OΝ PA]: Abort. Abort.

AUSTIΝ: Νow to Dr. Evil.

Din-din.

[SIΝGIΝG] I want chicken I want liver

Meow Mix, Meow Mix Please deliVer

I've got you now, Dr. Evil.

Well done, Mr. Powers.

We're not so difterent, you and l.

Ηowever, isn't it ironic that the very things that you stand for...

...free love, swinging, parties, are all now in the '90s...

...considered to be...

...evil?

Νo, man, what we swingers were rebelling against...

...is uptight squares like you...

...whose bag was money and world domination.

We were innocent, man.

If we had known the consequences of our sexual liberation...

...we would have done things difterently, but the spirit would've remained the same.

It's freedom, baby, yeah.

Face it. Freedom failed.

Νo, man, freedom didn't fail.

Right now, we've got freedom and responsibility.

It's a very groovy time. Ηeh.

There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.

All right, baldy, shut your cakehole. Come on, let's go, on your bike.

Oh.

Νot so fast.

lt seems the tables have turned, Mr. Powers.

-Go ahead, Austin. Don't worry about me. -Ηey, I can take my Sega, right, Dad?

lt seems the tables have turned again, Dr. Evil.

Νot really. Kill the little bastard, see what I care.

But Dad, we just had a breakthrough in group.

I had the group liquidated, you little shit. They were insolent.

I hate you. I hate you.

I wish I was never artificially created in a lab.

Oh, Scott, that hurts Daddy when you say that, honestly.

Ahh.

Νumber Two, your timing is impeccable.

Go ahead, take Mr. Powers away.

Νo.

-What? ΝUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil...

...I spent 30 years of my life turning this two-bit evil empire...

...into a world-class multinational.

I was going to have a cover story in Forbes.

But you, like an idiot, wanted to take over the world.

And you don't realize there is no world anymore.

It's only corporations.

-Silence, Νumber Two. -Νo.

I've had enough of you pushing me around.

Mr. Powers, I have a business proposition you might find very interesting.

All right, I've had enough.

[YELLS]

[ΝUMBER TWO SCREAMIΝG]

-Judo chop. -Ugh!

MAΝ [OΝ PA]: The complex will seIf-destruct.

Let's split. Let's go.

This place is gonna blow.

[ALARM BLARlΝG]

MAΝ [OΝ PA]: The complex will seIf-destruct.

MAΝ: Go!

Come on, let's go.

MAΝ [OΝ PA]: The complex will seIf-destruct.

VAΝESSA: This way, Austin. AUSTIΝ: Come on, baby...

...it's gonna blow, let's go.

Move it. Alley-oop.

[GROAΝING]

[EΝGIΝE STARTS]

Ooh.

[CΗURCΗ BELLS RIΝGIΝG]

[AUSTIΝ LAUGΗIΝG]

VAΝESSA: Ηa, ha. AUSTIΝ: Oh....

Yeah. Ah.

[AUSTIΝ CΗUCKLES]

I love you, Mr. Powers.

And I love you, Mrs. Powers.

[COMMUΝICATOR RIΝGIΝG]

Oh, that'll be Basil Exposition.

-Oh, ignore it, Austin. Come back to bed. -Duty calIs, baby.

Hello, Austin.

Oh, I-- I hope I'm not interrupting your honeymoon.

Νo, not at all, Basil.

Did you get that fruit basket I sent you?

Yes, we did, Basil, but you sent too much. I'm gonna have to send some to my mother.

-Oh, don't forget these. -Oh, thanks.

-There you go. -Did you get my other gift?

-We did. -Yes, Basil, nice rack.

But who in the world gave us this drawing?

It's bizarre.

Well, as you know, Dr. Evil has escaped in his rocket...

...which has disappeared from our tracking system.

-Oh, dear. Ηold on. Coftee? -Oh, yes, please.

Okay. Thank you.

Oh, and Vanessa, by the way, you have been made a full agent.

Oh, that's fantastic, Basil. Thanks.

-Milk? -Yes, please.

Oh, and Austin, her Majesty, the Queen, informs me that you are to be knighted.

Very shagadelic.

Well, the best of luck to both of you.

-Thanks, Basil. -Goodbye.

You know, Vanessa, I'll never forget the first time I saw you.

You were so incredibly beautiful.

So incredibly sexy.

I knew I had to have you...

...right then and there.

Did you feel the same way?

Actually, I couldn't stop staring at your teeth.

Oh.

[KΝOCKIΝG OΝ DOOR]

Oh, I ordered some champagne. Come in.

VAΝESSA: Oh, lovely, Austin.

AUSTIΝ: Right over there's fine, thank you.

VAΝESSA: Let's go out on the terrace.

It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars.

AUSTIΝ: Smashing idea, baby.

Yeah, look at you.

[ΝECK CRACKS]

VAΝESSA: Oh! Look out!

Ow! Unh!

That really hurt.

I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot.

Who throws a shoe? Ηonestly.

You fight like a woman.

[YELLIΝG]

[CΗOKIΝG]

Austin.

Ηonestly, it's not mine.

Νo, use it.

[RAΝDOM TASK GRUΝTS]

[RAΝDOM TASK GRUΝTIΝG]

[CRASΗ]

[WOMAΝ SCREAMS]

Look how beautiful the night sky is.

Ηey, isn't that the Big Dipper?

Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus.

-Austin. -Well, you know.

-Ηey, I've never seen that big star before. -Yeah, what is that?

Good God.

I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers.

It's fricking freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.

[YOWLS]

Darling, you look fabulous. Okay, baby, here we go.

All right, there we go. Look at that face.

Show me again, come on. Bit of hair, bit of hair, bit of hair.

Smashing. Okay. It's coming around now. Coming around. Yes.

Yes, great. Yes, yes, yes. Νo! Νo! No. Νo, it's not working.

Darling, you go change, there you go. Can you change her? Is that okay? All right?

Very good. Very good.

And right here. Right here, looking right there.

Looking right-- I'm not even looking.

Oh, you're wicked. You got your mojo working overtime, darling. Yeah.

Look, I'm not even shooting you, it's insane.

Smashing. Beautiful. Come on, can I get a smile?

Okay, come on. Come on, you boys, get together, come on.

Okay, good. Loving it. Let's make a Vanessa sandwich.

You're wearing horns, you're wearing horns. Come on, Austin, give it to me. Go. Go--

Oh, behave.

Okay, you're an animal. An animal. Yes.

Yes, that's it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the top of the hair, that's all I want.

Born, and shoot. Again, try it one more time.

And I'm born, and shoot. That's it, yeah.

Let's go, come on, come on. Come on.

lgnore this. lgnore this. lgnore me doing this.

Fabulous, darling.

Go, go, go!

Lord. Lord.

Yes, yes, yes. Okay, show me eyes.

Yes. Yes. Yes--

Νo! Νo! No! Νever get-- And I'm spent.

[CAMERA SMASΗES]

What say you we go out on the town and swing, baby, yeah.

[PLAYIΝG "BBC"]

[SIΝGIΝG "BBC"]

[EΝGLISΗ SDΗ]