All language subtitles for The.Office.US.S09E15.Couples.Discount.720p.BluRay.2CH.x265.HEVC-PSA

Hey, I feel so lucky we're in the
same city for Valentine's Day.

It's like magic.

Or it's like me getting
on my hands and knees

and begging my partners to
switch a Tuesday for a Thursday.

Alakazam.

By the way, they do need
an extra day next week.

And poof, he disappears.

Hey. Want to may
hooky today'?

Maybe. What do you
got in mind?

We can do
anything you want.

I really want to
have fun today,

because tomorrow
is going to be a nightmare.

Andy's coming back from his
stupid, dumb boat trip.

He's been rude,
he's been selfish,

I think he's a big jerk,
and I'm breaking up with him.

Bam, Andy!
How do you like me now?

I hope as a friend.

Erin says she's gonna break up
with Andy, but I'm not sure.

He's coming back tomorrow,
and surprise,

today she wants to
do whatever I'd like.

You know, when I was a kid we
had a dog who got real sick,

and we had to
send him to a farm.

And on his last day,
we did everything he loved.

Want to play catch
in the parking lot?

Sure.
Great.

Get my coat.
Perfect.

Come in.

Andy, hi, I just made
another huge sale

for the company
that you manage,

so I need you to authorize
that expense report

and sign off
on that contract.

I would be happy to.

It would be my pleasure,
Mr. Schrute.

I really like Andy
these days.

He's pretend, and he does
exactly as I tell him to.

All that will change when real
Andy comes back tomorrow.

Unless he comes
back as pretend Dwight.

In which case, we're in for
an epic, confusing showdown.

Andy left a carton
of milk in the fridge,

so I've been
sneaking a little bit

every day for
the last three months.

It's been yummy.

But now Andy's coming back.

So, I guess it's goodbye,
chunky lemon milk.

Okay, I'll say it.

I wish Andy had
stayed on his trip.

I say we all have one
last fun, boss-less day.

Yeah, let's get some
booze and some cocaine

and just blow it out,
no consequences.

Or the mini-mall.

They have all these
Valentine Day deals.

And you get 20%
off if you come in

with your husband
or your boyfriend.

But I mean, if you
don't have one of those,

you can probably
just bring whoever

it is you use to
kill your loneliness.

Phyll, I'll pretend
to be your husband.

I'm already sick of you,
so it'll seem realistic.

Oh. They have a nail salon there
where I get my feet detailed.

They use
a watch repair kit.

I'll be your foot buddy.

Everyone, it is our last day
here with no manager.

I say we go to the mini-mall.

Clark, you will be my fake boyfriend
so I can get the discount.

That's what I do.

Let's do it.

Darryl, everyone
seems to be pairing off.

Do you want to pretend to be
a couple so we get the...

No.

Yes. Yes.
Why wouldn't I?

I wanna pretend to be gay.
I got no problem with that.

All right, it'll be easy. Don't
be nervous, just follow...

Stop talking about it.
I said I'm fine with it.

These are gross.
They are terrible.

Hey, don't fill up
on chocolates.

I made us a lunch reservation
at State Street Grill.

Oh, my God.
That's so romantic.

It's with
Brian and Alyssa.

Oh, my God.
That's less romantic.

I know,
but we should go.

We need to thank him for,
you know, saving my life.

Yeah, yeah, no, totally.
That's good.

So should we just get a bottle
of wine later and celebrate?

That sounds nice.

I'm very excited
to see Brian.

Brian's a great guy, and Pam
and I have gotten really close

to he and his wife Alyssa
over the years, and...

He got fired for protecting my
wife from a jerk in the warehouse.

I'm sorry, but you know him.
He's a good guy.

Tiny foot lady is back.

Get the baby clipper.

You take off
your glasses.

Okay-

What?

Your boyfriend.
He look like a pretty girl.

My boyfriend does look like
a pretty girl, doesn't he?

Yes, a very little
pretty girl.

And you know what?
I think you are developing.

We should go and get
you a training bra.

You guys both
think this is funny?

Well, you know what?
No more discount.

Excuse me!
What? Shush!

Full price.
We're not together.

Come on.

She's living a lie.

Turns out I can't even be
in a pretend relationship.

Hi. We'd like the couples discount
on a pair of foot massages.

No, no discount
for two men.

Two men are
not a couple.

We are together,
romantically.

Two men.

Doesn't work.
No discount.

It works.

Him and me, all right,
we are crazy in love.

More in love than your
small mind can comprehend.

And we have two disposable
incomes and no kids,

and we're taking our
business elsewhere.

Hey.
Hey, Brian.

Hey-

Sorry we're late.

No problem.
I finished all the bread.

Yeah, okay.

What?

He's on a no-carb thing,
supposedly.

It's great to see you guys.
Thanks for coming.

Yeah.
Are you kidding?

Thank you, man,
I mean,

I've wanted the opportunity
to say thanks for

everything, and I'm really
sorry about the job.

That just seems crazy.

It's fine.
What are you gonna do?

But if you guys know of any
work, I'm fully available.

Well, my dad
can't hear a thing.

You could boom his
whole life for him.

Okay, great.
Does he pay well?

Where's Alyssa?

You know, Alyssa's... She's
not gonna make it today.

Oh.

Actually,
we're not gonna make it.

We're splitting up.

I have yet another
sales order for you to sign.

Why, thank you, Mr. Schrute.
I don't know how you do it.

You're a god.

Hi, Dwight.

You're back.

And you're disgusting.

Jeez. My nails
aren't dry yet.

I don't think I can work
for at least a couple hours.

Well, well, well,
look who it is.

Andy.
I guess I can cancel

my order from zappos.com because
the loafers have arrived.

Hey! Sweetheart!

I missed you so much.

Yes. Welcome back, buddy.

I have been dreaming
of this moment.

Me, too.
So much. I'm so happy.

I am really,
really bad at breakups.

Technically, I'm still dating
my first-grade boyfriend.

I mean, we just had
our 20th anniversary.

And I forgot to
get him something.

What happened? We thought you
were coming back tomorrow.

Well, Valentine's surprise for Erin.
Hello. Super romantic.

And I got you something.

It's a couple of pieces
of bamboo, big deal, right?

No, these are
musical instruments.

It's so we can play
island music together.

'Cause I have this.

Clop the cloppers.

Yeah, clop 'em.
It's called bembe.

Hey, burning man, if it's
not selling out too much,

you might wanna
throw on a tie.

David Wallace is
gonna be here in an hour.

Obviously,
that's why I'm here.

I mean, I came back
early to surprise Erin.

Happy Valentine's Day,
sweetheart.

But I'm just saying I'm also
excited about the Wallace meeting.

Why? Isn't he just
coming in to rip you

a new one for being
gone three months?

No, please,
come on, Clark.

Wallace knows that he's been
gone for the last three months.

Right?

Wallace does know that you've been
gone for the last three months?

I have no idea. I don't know
what he knows or doesn't know.

But we've been in
touch the whole time.

I mean, it's not
hard to get high-speed

Internet in Turks
and Caicos, people.

It's in every bembe cafe.

He only e-mailed me
four times.

Question. Where's Jim?

He and Pam are having
their Valentine's Day lunch.

For two hours, really?

So, you're concerned

about peoples' long absence
from their place of work.

If the shoe fits...

We were telling two different
versions of the same story,

and then everything
just went numb.

Well, I mean, that's okay. It
doesn't mean that it's over, right?

I mean, couples fight.

Yeah, and that's the thing.

When we were fighting,

it weirdly felt like the
relationship was still alive.

And it wasn't until we stopped
fighting that we realized it was over.

It's over.

I'm sorry, this is...
Oh, my God, okay.

We have to stop seeing
each other like this.

We have to find a different
way to communicate

other than breaking down
in front of each other.

Yeah.
What?

At least my crying
won't get you fired.

Crying?

I notice that you landed the
Scranton White Pages account

That is tremendous.

Thank you.

And you sold it to Jan,
too, I mean... Yes.

I'm impressed.
Yeah.

Well, there's one problem.

Couldn't help but notice
that you offered a price point

that was not approved
by the head office.

So, gotta run that
stuff by me, Dwight.

You were on a boat.

I was...

On a boat in the ocean.

Okay, the issue is that you
need to run this stuff by me.

Coolio?

Are we coolio?

Just say the word "coolio."
I'm not gonna say it.

Say it.
Not a word.

Coolio.
No.

What do you
think you're doing?

Just gonna call the Scranton White
Pages and clear this right up.

Don't you dare, Andy.

Hello?
Hey, Jan. Nard Dog here.

Hi, Andy.

I was just looking
over the paperwork.

I found a little hiccup.
Really?

Yeah, it appears my
employee offered you

a price that he was
not authorized to.

Coolio.

Seriously? You're
calling me a few weeks

after finalizing our contract
to gouge me now for more money?

Is that what you're doing?
Coolio. I'm coolio.

No, no, no, Jan, I think
you misunderstood. Yeah.

It's actually
justanissueu.

You know what, Nard Dog?

There is an option
in the contract

that allows me to back out
within 30 days of signing,

so I would like to
exercise that option.

No, Jan, please do
not listen to this boob!

Remember Clark. He gave you everything.
Everything.

Jan, I don't know what
he's talking about, but...

Tell Angela to send
me a final invoice.

Please, Jan...

That was not

how I had hoped
that would go.

Hey, everybody. Greatjob.

Listen, we're a smidge behind
on my paychecks.

Yes, well, as you know,
we get paid on Fridays.

And you haven't been
here for 12 Fridays.

All right.
Thank you very much.

Looking good.

Who's that little fellow?

It's a bonus check
for you from Wallace.

Because the branch exceeded its
targets over the past quarter.

Wow, that's wonderful.

Quarter's three months. That's
how long you've been gone.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Great, well,
we're all up to speed.

Two seconds
of the turd dog,

and he loses the biggest sale
this branch has ever seen.

Do you have any idea what I had
to do to get that sale from Jan?

I mean, I went all out.

All out. I mean like everything
was out the whole week.

He just waltzes back in here like
he owns the chunky lemon milk.

Who needs him, right?

God, I just don't know
what we do.

I mean, short of
telling David Wallace

that he was gone
for three months.

I'd like to rat out Andy,

but unfortunately
I have a bit of

a "boy who cried wolf"
dynamic with David Wallace.

Except instead of
a boy I'm a man,

and instead of a wolf,
I cried,

"Genetically-engineered
monster wolf."

I'm not gonna rat on him.
Andy gave me a second chance.

So the least I could do is let
somebody else rat on him.

Meredith, why don't you?

Meredith Palmer ain't never
been called no narc.

Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check.

Einstein sarcastically?
You bet.

But never no narc.

Vomit mop? Sure.
Floor meat? That's me.

Flesh hoover? Hi.
Hey...

Meredith, that's plenty.

All right?
That's more than plenty.

Why does no one
stop her?

Guys, I know that a lot of
people are mad at Andy,

and believe me, lam, too.

But he has been through a lot, and
we all used to love him, right?

So, if he's gonna
get in trouble,

just let it be
his fault, not ours.

I don't want that on my hands.

Fine.

The state he's in, Wallace
will take one look at him

and probably fire him anyway.

What's going on in here,
dirty players?

Let's get back to
busting some paper rhymes.

Come on.

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

It's Andy.

All right. Back to work.

Okay, I can tell
you're mad at me.

Do you want to just,
I don't know, tell me why?

I don't know.

I thought that
was a little weird.

You told me Brian got fired
for the whole warehouse thing.

And you intentionally left out a
kind of major intimate detail.

I don't know, Pam, I guess
I just feel like a chump

who knows less about his
marriage than the sound guy.

I didn't tell you
about the crying because

I didn't want you to
know how upset I was.

Becauseit
would've stressed you out,

and you're always saying how
much you don't want more stress.

Yeah, well, yeah, okay.
Well, then thank you.

Thanks to both of you.

It's not Brian's fault.
No, you're right.

And I'm not mad at Brian.

And to be honest, I probably don't
have any reason to be mad at all

because I wasn't there.

So let's just
forget about it.

Okay-

I need you guys to
tell me all the highlights

from the last three months
in case David asks.

Just a few things I could
sprinkle into conversation.

Any big sales
or office gossip?

Well, we had
the Scranton White Pages.

Not helpful. Let's
stay positive, people.

HeY, guys
Okay?

Hey, David, how are you?

We were just having our weekly round
table where we motivate each other.

I'm not gonna lie. I get as
much out of it as they do.

Sounds great.
Don't let me interrupt.

Whatever you guys have been
doing this last quarter,

I couldn't be
happier with the numbers.

Thank you.

Well, finish up.
I'm gonna meet with Val

about that warehouse guy
you had to let go,

and you and I will
talk in 15 minutes?

Great.
Great job, everybody!

We had to let
a warehouse guy go?

You know Pam's mural?
Well, Frank...

Lit the whole thing on fire.
It was crazy.

- What?
- Yeah.

There was a fire
in the warehouse?

The whole thing
is in ashes.

Fire department was here. It
was in all the papers. Whoa.

This is what
I'm talking about.

This would be good to know.
All right, what else?

We started selling balloons.

What?
Yeah.

And, Kathy Ireland signed on as the
official spokesbabe of Dunder Mifflin.

No kidding.

Yeah, in the European billboards,
she's gonna be topless.

Wow. Go, Kathy.
She's like 50.

They're tasteful.

Good, good. What else?

And who knew the balloon game
would be so lucrative?

And thank God, right? We needed
the income after the fire.

What fire?

The warehouse fire.
Weren't you just down there?

It's like burnt to ashes.

It looked fine to me.

I am speaking metaphorically,
of course.

You know I have lots
of irons in the "fire."

Well, that's one of them,
you know.

Making sure that
the warehouse logistics

is a well-oiled,
properly-stoked fire.

Okay-

Think you'll agree
I explained that pretty well.

Thanks, Andy.
Thank you.

All right. Everyone.

The fish sounds great.

Yeah, I guess.

Really playing
the scales, huh?

Yeah, I don't know. It just sort
of sounds like noise to me now.

You think I need a new fish?
I don't love you anymore.

What?
I still like you.

But you were gone
a really long time,

and you didn't really
e-mail me all that much.

You re-tweeted me a lot,
to be fair.

But I don't love you.

Okay, I get it.

You're unhappy.
I've been gone a long time,

and we lost
a little bit ofjuju,

but you and me,
we have a future.

There is a lot
of love here.

I just said
there isn't love.

On your side.

But there's tons on my side.
It's gushing.

We're just out
of sync right now.

But that's just timing,
and what's timing?

I mean, my parents
lasted 38, 40 years.

They were never happy
at the same time.

I guess.

I mean, what do we have left? Thirty-five,
maybe 40 years, if we're lucky?

I mean, I have spent
a lot of time in the sun.

You got really sunburned.

I'm gonna be a prune in,
like, three years. Ugh.

I know you may not be feeling
love for me right now,

but if you fake it, I won't be
able to tell the difference.

So I'll feel good.

And then eventually, maybe, you'll
actually start to love me again.

You really think we can
get that back? Yes.

Come on.

Totally.

You know what? Maybe we should
cancel that bottle of wine tonight.

Oh?

Yeah, I just feel like I got a
bunch of stuff to do in Philly,

and I'm sure you have stuff
to do, so we can just...

Drop me
at the bus station?

Are you sure?

I just feel like
we're gonna fight.

Yeah.

So...

How about let's not?

Okay-

Oh, um...

Happy Valentine's Day.

Sorry. I didn't
have time to wrap it.

Wow.

I didn't know
you kept this.

Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you.
No problem.

I don't think you
should go to Philly tonight.

I think that you should stay,
and I think we should fight.

You really want to fight
on Valentine's Day?

Yeah, I do.

Okay-

All right, put your
dukes up, Beesly.

Hi.

Hey. you okay?

I couldn't do it.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

You don't
have to apologize.

I just want you
to be happy, okay?

We're breaking up.

And just so you know, I was
worried that you were dead.

You were gone
for three months.

Andy? David. Still here.

What was that
about three months?