Original subtitles

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(birds caw)

(upbeat happy music)

♫ Blow me like a Nintendo game be like

(air blows)

♫ Grab me like a Nintendo, eh

♫ Put the plastic on my cartridge first

♫ Plastic on the cartridge

♫ If my game doesn't work take it out blow it again like

(air blows)

♫ Make a DVD, Xbox 360

♫ Check out my video game

♫ Ladies you know the way to my heart

♫ Is up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right

♫ B A B A select and start

♫ Oh my god I give it to ya how ya want to

♫ I can man up infinitely likes this was Contra

♫ You wondering about the last time I held ya

♫ Hit me and we can link up like this was Zelda

♫ Come here girl I got something you can toy with

♫ Give me a hand just grab on the joy stick

♫ You looking at it, wait, why wonder

♫ You can buckle up take a ride on my (mumbles)

♫ I'm real nice with my after dark survival

♫ I hit it real hard like this was arch rivals

♫ I give ya, thigh, ass, and (mumbles) slam

♫ You'd be saying damn slop, you're my Megaman

♫ So blow my like a Nintendo game be like

(air blows)

♫ Grab me like a Nintendo eh

♫ Put the plastic on my cartridge first

♫ Plastic on my cartridge

♫ If my game doesn't work take it out

♫ Blow it again like

(air blows)

(upbeat rock music)

- [Man] I don't know if you guys heard,

but Pete Harrison is getting married.

- [Man] Pete Harrison?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that guy that does that song right?

- Yeah what song is that exactly?

- The, um, dun dun dun dun, dun, dun, dun, dun dun dun

dun dun dun dun, dun?

- It's the guy we went to high school with you fucknut.

(laughs)

- Oh yeah, that Pete Harrison, I know him,

Come on, Transition Hulk.

- Exactly.

- Wait what's Transition Hulk?

- Did you know Pete Harrison?

- Yeah kinda, I mean I remember him a bit why?

- And do you remember the Incredible Hulk TV show

from the 80s?

- Absolutely.

- Okay now remember when Bruce Banner

was about to change into the Hulk and then

showed him between stages as he was transforming.

(growls)

- Oh that is so mean.

(laughs)

- Who made that up?

- He did.

(laughs)

It's true, I mean ever since that bastard

hit puberty, he's had (mumbles) weird in between stage.

- Yeah, I mean I've been calling him that for so long,

honestly almost forgot his real name.

- Almost?

You thought he was a famous musician.

Hell you were singing once of his greatest hits.

- Alright, let's do this.

- Ooh, yes please.

(glasses clink)

- Salud.

- Ugh, I can't understand how you guys

drink so much of this stuff.

- Practice.

- Shout it one for time.

- Maybe it's me, I just don't get it.

- What do you need help understanding now buddy?

- Okay, how does a guy like Pete Harrison,

aka Transition Hulk, find love, real love?

- Robbie, you're so cynical, I mean,

just cuz he's not the most attractive guy,

he can't find love?

- Come on, we're talking about Pete here okay,

it's not like the guy had a great personality to

balance it out his ugliness, the guy was a complete dick.

- That is one thing I remember about him.

- Yeah he smelled bad too.

[Crosstalk 00:04:25]

- That's what I mean okay, how does a guy like that

find real love?

- You know what, maybe he found

someone just as nasty and mean.

- No I'll tell ya what's happening, okay,

he's probably marrying the first girlfriend he's every had,

probably the first girl he's ever boned

with that transition cock.

- Oh my god, maybe finding a girl

changed him and his personality blossomed.

- No, I ran into him a couple of weeks ago,

he's the one that told me he's getting married,

and he's still a prick.

- That makes me wonder what her problem is,

what kind of pills she's on.

- It's different for women okay,

if she believes that she can truly change him,

that's all she needs, some women, just enjoy

having a project to work on.

- He's a fixer upper alright, but you girls

are some fucked up creatures.

- Hey, Chelsea, hi.

- Hello.

- Hi, so I've left you like four messages

on your machine in about the past three days and uh?

- How do you, I just haven't checked my messages in awhile.

- Oh I mean it's okay, just wanted to let ya know,

the ball's in your court.

- Okay.

- Okay.

(laughs)

- She's got the ball now.

- I think she does.

- Come one guys just give him some credit for trying.

- Yeah, persistence, wear them down.

- I will, I'm going to wear her down.

Wear her down.

- Hey, to Transition Hulk.

(glasses clink)

(glass clinks)

- Alright, I'm gotta go.

- You can't leave yet, one more round.

Shannon, four jager bombs.

- Just three Shannon.

I gotta go, it's my grandmother.

- What she's still alive?

- Whoa.

- Damn Robbie.

- What?

- Robbie, I swear to god, you need

to get outta your little funk.

- Oh my god, don't swear to god okay,

since when did you start believing in God?

- Redneck ex.

- It's because of that redneck ex of yours isn't it?

- Okay, you're really starting to piss me off.

And he wasn't a redneck, he was a southern boy.

- That fed you roadkill.

(laughs)

- It wasn't roadkill.

We hit a deer on the side of the road,

and he brought it home.

- After he slit its throat?

- Yeah, after he slit its throat.

- Yeah and then he cooked it up in his

little redneck apron with his redneck fine dining

and lobster bib, and you ate it.

- Just because it was killed on the road,

doesn't make it roadkill.

- Uh, yes it does, actually that's exactly what it means,

that is the very definition of roadkill.

- He is a writer.

- Roadkill is mangled possum.

We ate venison.

- Sounds a lot more romantic.

- Oh, moist, mmm.

- Okay, you can pay for my drinks Robbie.

(laughs)

- Come on Nikki, I'm sorry.

- Moist you dick, I'll catch up with you guys later.

- Alright, Chelsea.

- [Man] Here's the bad boys.

- I just wanted you to know I'm probably gonna

leave you another message tonight to just sort

of remind you that the other messages were there.

- [Man] Uh Carl?

- Yeah right, sorry, you know, your court, your court.

- Thank you, Chelsea.

Alright gentlemen.

- Salud yeah.

- Salud motherfucker.

Drop and pop.

(glasses clink)

(glass clinks)

Ah!

Let's get outta here man, come on.

(upbeat rock)

- Hey you okay?

(vomit squirts)

(tires squeal)

(upbeat rock music)

- [Narrator] This one mile stretch of old town,

filled with bars, restaurants and little shops,

this is where we've been coming since high school.

It's where we've worked and played for most

of our lives now.

Carl, the one that showered you in his glory,

has been working at the same place for most of those years

as a waiter and bar tender.

Ian there, well at one time or another,

Ian has probably worked at every place along this stretch.

Sometimes he quits, cuz he can't always get along with

the revolving door Managers that go through here.

Or, he wants to nail some hot young waitress that's

started working at another place down the street.

So, he'll get hired there for a little while,

do his deed, and then quit, but most of the time

his problem is his inability to keep his mouth shut.

- Liver and onions?

Our specialty, excellent choice, and for you miss.

- I'll take a diet soda and I'd love a tossed salad.

- I bet you would you little slut.

- What the hell?

You son of a bitch.

- Ugh!

(balls crack)

(sticks crack)

(upbeat rock)

- [Narrator] I could easily be described

as a human shadow or Carl's cool friend.

I work the same dead end jobs, I live the same

going nowhere lifestyle of bartending and drinking

all night and then sleeping all my days away.

They are perfectly content with it.

Call me crazy but, I have dreams.

That's right, I'm a wannabe writer,

but don't all writers start off that way,

I hope so, I'm sick of just existing, just getting by.

(ball cracks)

(stick cracks)

- Fuck this guy, I'm not playing against him.

- How's the writing coming, you making some progress?

- Yeah well actually I did pick up this.

- [Ian] Carl, no more sugar packets,

you already threw up once.

(sugar pours)

Sorry man go ahead.

- Uh, I was just saying I picked up this writing gig.

- Oh shit, a paying writing job, that's great.

- Yeah sort of.

- Technical writing?

- It's 500 pages, the manual needs to be no more than 50.

Can you handle that Robbie?

- What kind of an agent are you, Phil?

I mean what the hell makes you think I'm

a good technical writer?

- The email you sent me last month,

the one you know you wanna hate fuck my mother.

(laughs)

- I don't really wanna hate fuck your mother.

- Look, as disturbing and crude as it was,

it was very good, technically,

I like to keep copy of it right here to

sort of remind me of you know, what a

creative person you are, it just inspires me.

As I slowly insert my fist further and further

into the rectal cavity of your now whimpering

provider of life, I rotated counter clockwise, huh?

- Okay, Phil, I got it.

- I thought you might see it my way,

you'll take the job right?

I'll work on getting you something creative.

- Greeting cards?

- Yes, greeting cards.

(laughs)

It's beautiful there's plenty of writers

who start off with greeting cards and go into

Emmy award winning TV.

I mean from sitcoms to reality TV, I mean it's all

starts in greeting cards.

(laughs)

- Fuck it, I'll do it, but I want something

creative next time.

- Okay, there's a hard dead line on this

so let's not jerk them around okay?

- Fine but it's greeting cards next,

I want all the major holidays.

- Surely there's a stepfather's day,

that's gotta be like the bottom,

if we start there, you'll sky rocket from there,

it's beautiful.

- [Nikki] Hey, did I miss anything?

- How's your grandma?

- Still alive.

(upbeat rock music)

I'll go wrangle in Carl.

- There ya go.

- Okay, alright, okay, okay, Carl.

- I'm good at it, I'm doing it.

- Let's just get down one step at a time.

- Okay.

(laughs)

I got beer on my hand.

- Oh my god.

- It's okay, hey it's okay.

- Where's you sugar packet?

- Oh no, not the sugar packet.

- Carl!

- Beer.

(gasps)

Okay.

- But still it's an actual writing gig, that's cool.

- Yeah, I guess.

- [Ian] And your book how's that coming?

- It's, I haven't written a single thing in months.

- Really, why not?

- Lack of inspiration, writer's block, procrastination.

Lack of sex probably.

- Maybe this job is just what you

need you get outta the rut.

- I was kinda hoping that same thing.

You know what, actually I was thinking about talking

to Lester about getting one of those beach houses.

(upbeat rock)

- Yeah, nothing like sunbathing bikini bodies

to get the creative juices flowing, huh?

- No, no, no nothing like that, I just need

to shut myself off in a new setting and just zone in man.

- You know, I like this beach house idea,

I think you need this, dude, you need this.

- No, I don't need it like you think I need it,

I just need to zone in and work.

- Can I take care of this for you?

- You, how?

- Yeah, Lester owes me.

- Lester owes you?

- Yeah.

- Ian, you gotta help me bro.

- I don't wanna ask for details, I'll do it.

(laughs)

- Hey man, it's Lester.

(stick crack)

- Go ahead, I guess.

- Uh, ha, that's right!

(chokes)

Whoa!

Hey, Transition Hulk!

(laughs)

Scared the shit outta me man, I thought I was gonna

have a limb torn off or something.

- Ha, ha, ha, funny dick.

By the way, no one calls me that anymore.

- Really?

Why not?

(grunts)

I hear you're getting married

- Yeah.

- Cool, here's to that sir.

(glasses clink)

- Yeah.

- [Carl] It's great.

- If it can happen for me man, it can happen for you.

- I would sure as hell hope so.

(laughs)

Hey guys, look, it's Transition Hulk,

but nobody calls him that anymore.

- Really?

- [Carl] Yeah.

- [Ian] Why not?

- [Carl] I don't know.

I mean, what are they thinking?

What else can we call you?

I mean you matured really well.

- Yeah thanks dick.

- Okay, have a good wedding.

- [Hulk] Your Mother's a dragon.

(happy music)

- [Narrator] Nikki has been with us from the start,

innocent looking, yes, but I think all the testosterone

over the years has affected her, when an ex boyfriend

had the balls to show up at Nikki's favorite hang out

with his new girl, Nikki didn't take it so well.

(flesh smacks)

♫ So unfair, I should explain these things I do

(phone rings)

- [Ian] It's Lester.

- What you're doing this now?

- Yeah, Lester's working tonight.

If we're gonna do this thing let's go ahead and do it.

- [Carl] Alright.

- [Ian] I'll get some goodies.

- Yeah?

About time motherfucker.

- [Man] One hour.

- Yes please.

(relaxed music)

- You tell him I said to pay for it and get out.

Hey!

Pay for it and get out.

- [Woman] Oh my gosh.

- How the hell do you imagine it's gonna turn out, I mean,

why the hell would a group of girls you just met

stay with you three clowns?

(laughs)

- Look, I'll handle the details, just let me know when,

that's all you gotta do.

- And you're gonna cover the rent for all?

You think it's gonna work, I mean,

I'll put a call in tomorrow.

(laughs)

- Thank you, sir, one more thing.

- What's that?

- Hook me up with a couple of those J's

I know you got stashed back in your office.

- Yeah, yeah, head on back, you know where I keep the shit.

- Alright buddy, thanks.

- Mmm, this some good food right here.

(owl hoots)

- No it happened, it absolutely happened,

I was there and that's what I saw.

- Ahhh!

Here he is.

Here he is, you got?

- [Ian] Oh, I got.

- Nice.

(lighter strikes)

- Lighter?

(lighter strikes)

(laughs)

- This spot always reminds me of Melanie, has anybody

heard from her?

- I actually went to see her the other day.

- I need to go see her, how's she look?

Any word on when she'll be released?

- It could be awhile.

- How is she?

- So so, she was definitely fully doped up

on whatever the hell they had her on.

But she looked good.

- Oh man, she always looks good.

- Smoking hottie.

- You horny assholes.

- Hey easy there, charm buck, that's not

what I meant at all.

- That's what I meant.

(laughs)

- Fine, Robbie, I take it back,

you two cunts are pricks.

- Oh wait second how does us commenting

on her sexiness affect anything or anyone?

- Yeah, I mean, I think it's the kinda

thing she'd like to hear right about now ya know?

Might perk her up.

- She tried to kill herself you morons,

it's not like she got stood up on prom night

and needs to be perked up.

- Blah, blah, blah, blah.

(laughs)

- Why do I hang out with you?

(mumbles)

- Okay, on a lighter note, beach trip soon yes?

- Oh yes.

- Robbie?

- I can't make it.

- Good, cuz you're not invited.

This is a full out guyfest.

- [Nikki] I hate you, more and more with

every single passing day, just so you know.

- [Narrator] I wouldn't admit it, but Nikki was right,

I couldn't help but think about taking advantage of Melanie

while she was all doped up.

She looked so hot and vulnerable.

(seductive music)

♫ What's wrong with my smile

♫ Can you tell it ain't me

(water sprays)

(dog barks)

(engine hums)

- Yes my man is ready to go.

Hey Robbie if this writing things takes off

you can dig up the rest of your house.

- Hey, no more knocking my house, I get enough

heat from my goddamn super successful neighbors.

(laughs)

(stuff ruffles)

- What's that?

- Pleasure reading.

- Relax you'll nail it, you work and we'll play.

- [Ian] How's that for support?

(laughs)

(upbeat happy music)

♫ She got everything that you want

♫ She got sugar and she got salt

♫ She got her left foot in but her right foot's out

♫ She'll take it with or she'll take it without

♫ She ain't got no eyes in the back of her head

♫ Try to beat you with the (mumbles)

♫ Boy instead

♫ What she wants to say fellas she ain't never said it

♫ Come on, salt water jacket

♫ She got lips like (mumbles) mama oh yeah

Nice one?

- Yeah man.

- Oh man, I really hope one of these houses is full

of some hotties.

- Now what'd you have in mind for the hotties Carl?

- Okay, you know what, whatever, I'm set either way, okay?

I've already booked two dates online

with some local lonely chicks.

- Dude, that is so sad.

- You know what, I disagree alright.

Nine times out of 10 these dates end

in some sort of sex.

- Yeah indeed, some form.

- Right.

- Like the chick with the carrot stick fetish?

- It wasn't that bad.

- Wasn't that bad?

She made you eat it afterwards, Carl.

- Could have been worse.

- [Robbie] I gotta hear some stories

that are worse than carrot girl.

- Okay, I'm getting laid this week either way,

can you say the same, either of you?

(engine hums)

- I think I'll manage.

(upbeat music)

- Who the fuck are they?

- I don't know.

- Hi, I think you guys have the wrong house.

- You're scheduled here this week.

- Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.

- Yeah, this week.

- But we can't both be booked here.

- Oh that would be so great.

- Uh, well.

- I know this is Lester's house

because I've stayed here before.

Who did you talk to?

- I talked to Lester, right Carrie?

- Yeah, I talked to Lester.

I did.

- Well, one of us has either the wrong house,

or the wrong date.

- Yeah well fuck you, we don't have the wrong dates,

we didn't come all the way out here and get the dates wrong.

- Relax, we'll figure something out.

- [Woman] Figure something out?

- You know there's nothing to figure out,

we're not here to become friends,

we're not gonna talk about it, you know what,

we'll just call the realtor and then,

let them figure it out.

- The realtor.

- Yeah.

- I thought you said you got the place from Lester?

You know, the owner of the house, my personal friend.

- Huh, well obviously we're fucked, whatever we'll

just call the agent we'll get our deposit back

and we'll just go somewhere else.

- But what about your vacation?

I mean here me out, and think about my offer.

- An offer, huh?

- Yeah, we've already paid for the place,

we're here, you guys are here,

we can all just stay here.

- I don't think that's gonna happen.

- But we don't all have to pay.

- Meaning, if the agent fucked up

and double booked it, you guys will get your money back,

but you can still stay here, there's plenty of room.

- Oh, so what do you get outta this deal?

- Well, I know Lester will be furious about this fuck up,

and I also know that he'd be very grateful if I handled

the situation and made sure everybody was happy.

I mean hell, he'll probably give me my money back.

- Aww.

- Lester's a stand up guy.

- I'm sure he is.

- Well fuck, my cocksucker double booked it.

- I booked it I swear.

- [Woman] He didn't say you didn't, he said

it was double booked. - How did this happen?

- You know Lester, I mean look, it's Lester.

I mean this is so Lester.

- No, this is so fucked, I didn't come here

for this, this is a complete distraction.

- Okay, on the record, I think this is so awesome,

how are you not seeing this?

- Relax, we'll figure something out man,

you'll still get your stuff done.

(laughs)

- Whatever.

Okay, if you'll cover the house, we'll stay.

- Deal.

- But it's not your house.

- [Ian] It's not our house.

- We're not your guests, it's our house, too.

- [Ian] It's your house, too.

- And you have to play by our rules or you leave.

- Your rules or we're gone.

- [Woman] Not us, you.

- Not us, you.

- You fucking with me?

- [Ian] Little bit.

- Three things we want, privacy, respect, and privacy,

and the master bedroom.

- Deal, deal, deal.

Not sure what I can do about that.

Unless you want to join me.

- Hey no, dick, ugh.

- Is this gonna work?

- I don't know.

- [Woman] Does he play by the rules?

- Not his strongest suit, but I'll handle him.

- Hi, I would like to volunteer to help

you ladies unpack, not like you know go through

your stuff just help you carry it up the stairs there

so you know if you have any luggage, I'm the guy.

Broad shoulders here that's what's happening.

(laughs)

Alright, I'm Carl by the way, and uh, hi, Carl, that's me.

- I'm Laura.

- I don't suppose either of you

ladies are fans of lighthouses?

- There's no fair way to decide.

- So what, that just means it's yours?

- Well my bag is here and I'm unpacking.

- You didn't even wanna stay here with us.

- You know, I don't think so, re-pack.

- Really?

- Really, what are you doing?

- Getting comfortable in my room.

- You're joking right?

- You're still staying?

Cuz naked time is all the time in this room baby.

(laughs)

- Oh my god, we're leaving Kerry!

- Hey look, I'm making a capital I for Ian.

Almost there, oh yeah, there it is, Ian!

(laughs)

- That is not a problem.

- I don't care how drunk you get, who's getting sick

in the other bathroom, how bad you've gotta go,

this bathroom is off limits.

- Understood.

- I hope so.

- Look, I didn't sign up for this,

you're welcome to use ours.

(keyboard clicks)

- Do you guys trust the guys here alone?

- Yeah, as much as I trust being here with them.

Thanks.

- What do you guys thinks gonna happen?

They go through your underwear drawer and sniff your panties

a little.

(laughs)

Who cares?

I would however hide your dildoes,

cuz they'll probably try to fuck that weird one

with it.

(laughs)

- Oh my god, thank you so much Fiona I feel so much better.

- So you hid yours, huh?

- Oh hell now, I want them to see

what they have to compete with.

However that Ian one, I don't know, he uh, he looks like

he might be able to compete.

- You've been here 10 minutes

and you've seen someone's cock?

- She's amazing. - Uh huh!

- She's my hero.

- Why do I bother?

(happy reggae music)

- Hey, this is vacation, let us vacate.

- All the way around sweetie.

(monkey calls)

- Nikki says hi.

- I didn't get anything.

- Me neither.

- Umm, so explain this to me please, the girls are at

the beach in their bikinis and we're here drinking

like we're back home, why are we here instead of there,

where there are bikini's with chicks in them

and I wanna nail one of these chicks, like any of them.

- We will.

One more and I'm done.

- And then we go?

And hang out with the girls at the beach right?

- Look, you act desperate, you get treated desperate.

Haven't you listened to anything I've said,

what would be the obvious thing any rock hard cock

would do to get these chicks?

- Uhh, talk to them, at least.

- But no one dying to sleep with them

is going to go to a bar and ignore them.

- Not at two in the afternoon, no I

absolutely agree with you there.

- Exactly, we're not desperate.

He let me ask you something.

- Me?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I'm not having sex with you.

- I can tell.

- Really?

- My crotch is dry.

- Okay, yeah go ahead.

- Are you more interested in the guy

who asks your name and tells you his,

or the guy who simply says, this is what my life is babe,

this is how I have fun, and you could

have tons of fun with me.

- Which kind are you?

- Have I asked you your name?

- She's wearing a name tag.

It's above the left coconut.

- Thank you.

The point being, girls like a mystery,

if you're an open book, you're not a mystery.

And only a mystery gets solved.

- That is true, most girls I know

would go for the mysterious type.

- Exactly.

- So we act like we don't want them?

- Yup, you don't give them what they want,

you give them the opposite.

- Are girls really that dumb?

- This is fascinating, but um, are you done with me?

- Yeah for now.

But don't go too far.

- Okay, but how can they see us having our own fun,

if they're at the beach and we're here.

- They don't need to.

Okay, we could be anywhere right now,

having all sorts of fun, they don't know.

- Anything would be better than telling them that

we're having shooters at high noon.

- But if we're water skiing or jet boarding,

or water boarding, or being touched

by the gorgeous views of lighthouses,

whatever bullshit we say, now we're not the guys

who are drooling after them.

- Okay, so we're going to attract them by avoiding them?

- No, this is just phase one man, and we're gonna

plow through these phases a lot faster than normal,

I'm not fucking around, but just know this,

if you're mouth is watering she's staying dry.

So man up, and show them that you don't give a fuck.

- I would love to, when?

- Right now, let's hit the beach, walk by, say hi,

nothing more, the we walk away from them.

Okay, this is very important.

I'm getting laid either way, okay, I'm trying

to help you partake as well.

You want the girl you'll listen, say hi, walk away.

You got it Carl?

- This is good, I like, just like eat it bitches.

(air whips)

- Yeah, exactly.

- Good, good plan, let's go.

- I'm gonna throw up first.

(waves crash)

- Ladies.

- Is that a canoe, we should rent some canoes.

- Would you girls like to get dinner with us this evening?

(laughs)

We'd be honored you know, our treat, of course.

Just might be nice to get to know each other

a little bit better you know.

I mean we're gonna be living together for like a week

and we don't know anything about you.

I mean, we don't know you, you don't know us,

I mean you probably don't even know our names.

- Carl, right?

- Yeah, actually, wow.

I mean we're probably this big mystery to you

and I know you are to us, right?

I mean I'm intrigued frankly, how about you guys?

I think we're all intrigued, right?

So, umm, I think you're mysterious, I do.

(laughs)

Like in a good way, not like suspicious, or you're

you know, doing anything criminal or illegal or

anything like that, nothing trashy.

Umm, everyone loves a mystery, mystery is something

everyone wants to solve.

(laughs)

Little help guys.

- Yeah, we have plans, huge plans, big.

Tisk.

- Plans? - Yeah.

- [Carl] You have plans, they have plans, it's okay,

we have plans too, so.

So it's yes.

- Maybe some other time.

- Definitely.

(laughs)

Like when do you think?

- That's the mystery.

(laughs)

- That's they mystery, absolutely,

that's they mystery guys, you know,

whenever we're gonna have dinner,

cuz that's what's gonna happen.

- Enjoy the surf guys, get that canoe.

(waves crash)

- Thanks a lot guys, you know, what's plan B?

- Why?

That went perfectly.

- Yeah that was fantastic.

- That went perfect, really?

Hold on.

(upbeat rap music)

- Fuck.

- Oh yeah!

- Whoo!

(people moan)

- She's going at it.

- You (mumbles) earn mother fucker!

(laughs)

- I like your (mumbles)

- You know what, none of these girls

are gonna get with him now, none of them,

he just lost them all, they are off the table,

and our game now, that's what happening,

right now, that's what's happening.

Ian just removed himself from the competition.

And you know what I'm gonna do, this is what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna nail all three of them, just to spite the guy.

That's what I'm gonna do, they can hear him,

why do you think they're not down here right now.

- [Fiona] And I can hear you too asshole.

- Damnit!

(laughs)

I think I hate them.

I really do, I just, ugh.

- Brutal man, here hit this.

- Brutal doesn't even begin to describe this woman.

What do you think they're doing up there?

- I'm so ready to, holy shit,

you look so hot.

- Thanks.

- When that weird, awkward one sees you, he's gonna die.

- I just hope I get some drinks

bought for me tonight you know?

(mumbles)

- Could be totally dead.

- It won't be dead, the bartender told me

all the tourists come out tonight

and they're young and they're rich

and they buy drinks.

- And if not?

- Then I guess I'm gonna have to make out with you

and charge commission.

(laughs)

- Ah!

- Hey do my hair, do my hair.

- [Laura] Fine!

(techno music)

- What's happening?

- Back again, huh ladies?

(laughs)

- He's wearing no shirt.

- I know.

- Oh my goodness.

- Explain this to me again, the girls

just went to a nightclub to get hit on by a bunch of guys

and we're just sitting here, drinking, still.

- I appreciate your resilience there buddy, but

I don't know maybe take the night off,

I think you've probably crashed

and burned enough for one day.

(laughs)

- Okay.

What the fuck dude?

At least I'm making an effort, I mean what the hell

are you guys doing?

- Carl, you're trying too hard.

- Okay, you know what, here's something I've

kind of started to notice.

- Okay, let's hear it.

- It seems to me you two motherfuckers,

you've just known me for so long now

and know me so well that you can only see anything I do

towards a girl as lame, alright?

It's like I've been typecast to just play a certain

role in life but only in the eyes of you two cock suckers.

- Cocksuckers?

- Well I think I sort of (mumbles) too dude.

- Shut your suck holes and let me finish.

Now if I even decide to, I don't know, make a move

or strike up a conversation with a girl

not only do I have to worry about the possible rejection

from that cunt, but then I have to also worry

about you to mu-lak-as busting on me afterwards.

- Hey nice use of the word mu-lak-a.

- Thank you, may I finish?

- Absolutely.

- Please do.

- Now if Ian decides to go up to a girl,

do his thing, yeah it usually works,

because he's confident, but he also knows

that if by chance this girl should reject him,

we're all just gonna get together

and analyze the hell out of her, we're

gonna come to the conclusion that there must

be something wrong with this girl

because she didn't fall for his slobbering, drunken,

burping approach, he feels safe, you know, either way.

Where as I, you greasy Greek shit bag, have pressure from

both sides of the equation, but fuck you both,

fuck you both and fuck those bitches,

cuz I can still get mine, without any grief

from any of you.

- Carl, meeting desperate women online

is no way of getting yours.

- At best, it's the equivalent of fucking

a blow up doll.

- Yeah or like one of those rubber latex dolls.

- Yeah, they're actually kinda sexy you know.

- Yeah for the price they're probably not that bad.

But dude, the women you're talking about

those are just desperate, vindictive nymphos

that need to feel loved, even if it's for one night.

- And there's no strategy involved in that.

- Yeah, it's the easy way out.

- And you know, one of these psycho chicks,

one of these days is gonna cut your throat man,

I guarantee it, now you keep casting your net out there,

you're gonna catch something more than you bargained for.

- Yeah, like the clap man.

- Yeah, the clap, or an std cocktail,

a little gonorrhea on the rocks with a herpes twist.

- You'd be mixing up some crap salad.

(laughs)

And dude do you remember from a few months ago,

that girl he was sleeping with (mumbles).

- [Ian] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(laughs)

(religious music)

(moans)

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, ah.

(cries)

- I can't believe I'm doing this on my wedding night.

(cries)

(laughs)

- Man that is so twisted.

- Yeah like that Karen girl twisted.

- Whatever, look, check out what my net

brought in now.

(lips pop)

- Now she's hot.

- Whoa, she is hot.

I don't what the girl you'll be meeting looks like,

but she's hot.

(laughs)

- Whatever.

Remember to rehydrate between blowing each other fags.

(mumbles)

(monkey calls)

- Uh, Nikki says hi.

- Oh man.

You got anything?

- Nope, nothing, I wonder what that's about.

- That's weird, she always texts me.

- No, seriously though, one drink

and we're done here.

- [Woman] You're not having an amazing time?

- Oh my god, check it out.

I think he's on the prowl.

- What's with the balls, why do guys feel the need

to announce that their balls have also arrived.

- I feel like a guy adjusting his balls is like the visual

equivalent of a pickup line

- Yeah it's sexy.

- Yeah, women love it.

- Especially when sloppy joes like that do it.

(laughs)

- Oh gross.

- Sup ladies, buy you a drink, while I rub on my balls?

- [Woman] Oh my god that's so gross.

- You see that?

- I think it's a tranny.

- What the hell's a tranny?

- Hey, uh, beer and a shot please, I've got card.

Monies on that card, you don't have a shirt on.

- What's he doing here all alone?

- God, if he comes over here do I have permission

to give him a wedgie or something?

- Yeah totally, if you want him to think you're flirting.

(laughs)

- Carl.

- Hey, that's me baby.

- Umm, you're not quite what I expected.

(laughs)

- I sent you a picture.

- [Woman] Not of yourself.

- A good likeness.

- Hugh Jackman, really

- Uh, yeah, I'm sorry, you're not

exactly this either ya know.

This you?

- That is me, and a better likeness.

- Well.

- [Woman] Yeah.

- So uh, you down to fuck?

- I'm going home, thanks.

- I mean we could just spoon, oh whatever.

Fuck me, this never happens when Hugh Jackman

uses my picture.

Oh that was a bad idea.

(gags)

- Did he just throw up?

(gags)

- Oh my god that is so sad.

- I have never seen a crash and burn quite like that.

- He's definitely not scoring any points for originality.

- True, but if you're gonna crash and burn,

crash baby and burn.

(laughs)

- God.

- Umm, what are you doing?

- Call it charity.

- No, we're calling this vacation.

- Oh no she's not.

- Hey funny seeing you here.

- Hi ladies.

Here to join me?

- We should probably bring you home.

- Oh yeah.

- Oh yeah, not what you're thinking stud.

- You wanna eat my liver don't you?

- Listen you drunk fucker.

- Uh Carl, be nice.

- Fine.

- I hate them.

- See that, I see a little hole.

- Oh man, this is the best.

- There she goes.

So much love to give.

(people moan)

- [Carl] What's up fellas?

(laughs)

- That was quick, glad you made it back alive.

- Oh that was magical Carl.

- Oh yeah, I'd ask you to spend the night with me,

but you wore me out.

- What the fuck are you guys watching?

You sick bastards.

(laughs)

- (mumbles) sympathy, I think.

- Necromancer.

- What have you seen this?

- Yeah, actually I like the second one better though.

- That is so strange.

- Yeah well I have a DVD player in my room,

McConaughey movie, let's go.

- No, no, no I'm sorry, that is disturbing.

- Eh yeah.

- See you guys later.

- Sweet dreams, Carl.

- [Fiona] Yeah, yeah, late night Carl.

(laughs)

(mumbles)

- Get the fuck outta here, I'm not buying that shit at all.

- I gotta get to work.

I'm never gonna finish this stuff.

- Later man.

- [Robbie] Later.

- Look, that's gonna be you one day man.

- Which one?

- Right there man.

- Oh, I was hoping for the other one.

(upbeat happy music)

(paper ruffles)

♫ I get lonely without myself

♫ I'm in trouble

♫ She's in love with someone else but you can't know

♫ (mumbles)

♫ I don't (mumbles)

♫ I'm not joking you can't wear down

♫ (mumbles)

♫ Love to be yours, that way I won't be lonely

♫ She's a flaw in my design, stuck in my

- [Narrator] I can't help but think of the

changes I want to make, the changes I shoulda

already made, hell, I've already lied to you,

about visiting Melanie, all the girl needed

was someone to listen to her, and I couldn't

keep my head outta the gutter.

(seductive music)

- Take me Robbie.

- [Narrator] Jesus, you see what I mean?

I couldn't just sit there and provide

some sort of comfort for this long time

friend without wishing I could cure her with my cock.

I actually found he situation somewhat arousing and

it sickens me, a little.

- Oh yes, Robbie, thank you, thank you,

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, thank you Robbie.

- You're a good man, Robbie!

[Crosstalk 00:46:13]

(moans)

(hands slap)

- Yes, yes, cure her, bring her back,

heal the shit out of her, boy!

- [Melanie] Thank you Robbie!

- [Narrator] I feel as though I've hit

some sort of a bottom.

Do I no longer have any compassion, did I ever?

Something has to change.

I have to change.

- Ugh, I don't know, porn stars for GPS.

(monkey calls)

- Nikki says hi by the way.

That's a great idea alright, I mean, think about it.

Turn right, just up ahead, one meter, turn right,

now, aaah, ahhh, you've arrived at your destination.

No?

What about scream queens?

(screams)

- Jesus Christ man take it easy.

- You have arrived at your destination.

(rock music)

♫ Sold my soul to get where I am

Ladies, where are we off to this lovely afternoon?

- We're going to the beach.

- Oh really, there's a beach?

(laughs)

- We decided to take you up on your offer.

- Why what ever do you mean?

- We're gonna let you buy us dinner.

- Really?

- Yeah, some place nice.

- No problem, you wanna tag along, sea food at seven?

- Good, sea food at seven.

- Bye.

- I like your blue ball.

- Blue balls, that's me.

(laughs)

- What was that about?

- I don't know man, but those chicks got some spunk.

(laughs)

- I'm Yon, Yon Zamolla.

Yon Zamolla, Yon Zamolla.

Dudes, you guys have got some of the hottest bunnies

on the beach, huh?

I dig it, I dig it, I see you checking out my girl, huh?

Worry not my friends, there's plenty more inventory

where that came from huh?

Nice dudes, fun chicks, college freshman, spring breakers,

I have an arrangement with them, I have the arrangement.

I buy all the alcohol, all my vacation expenses are

covered in full, the deal of deals, no?

(laughs)

Yeah, we'll be hanging out all week.

Freshman kids, don't know how to quit partying,

and freshman girls don't know when to quit drinking.

(laughs)

Makes for a good party huh?

(mumbles)

You should join us, huh?

What else are you gonna do in this dead town?

Party with the seagulls and the dolphins?

(laughs)

Easy there sweet pants that's six dollars a case.

(laughs)

Anyway, there is only one kind of wild life for me

my friend, only one type of clam I am interested

in diving for if you know what I mean.

Vag.

Huh?

What is vacation without a little, right?

(laughs)

anyway, you should join us, what's mine is yours,

mi casa, su casa, huh?

My pussy is your pussy, huh?

As long as your pussy, is my pussy.

Right?

(hands clap)

Wonderful.

You come, they come, that's the deal right?

And BYOB.

(laughs)

(rock music)

♫ Sold my soul

- Think she's even in to you?

- Oy, sweetheart!

That is good beer!

- What's the legal age in this state anyway?

- I don't think it's done by age anymore,

pretty sure it's determined by cup size.

- Oh yeah, where'd you hear that?

- I don't know I just heard it somewhere.

- So by law, if a girl's breasts are

of a certain size, she's legit?

(laughs)

- No, I think it's the younger you are,

the bigger the cup size has to be, ya know?

- Uh huh.

(birds caw)

(boat horn blows)

- [Woman] You're (mumbles).

- Not because of me.

- Yes, we're here because of you,

because you have a crazy, psycho, stalker,

ex boyfriend, came to her house everyday,

sent weird gifts, like.

- It wasn't that bad, you know it was.

- It was super bad, he called our house,

like went to her mom's and just freaky, stalker.

Actually finally broke up with him.

- Congratulations.

- You know what, I think we've all been there, right?

I mean a little bit, some, I mean it's safe to say

we've all done that, ya know?

Well no, I mean like not me, I wouldn't do that,

you know, it's just there are guys who do that.

I've heard of them, they're strange, they're strange guys,

and they do that, I mean.

- What are you talking about?

- I would never call you Kerry?

(laughs)

- Thank you.

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean I would never call you,

I mean call you and hang up on you, you know, like

be all stalkery, I would never do that,

that would be out of control, I mean if I were obsessed with

you I would probably just like hide under your bed

listen to you breathe while writing poetry.

- I have to go to the bathroom.

- Yeah, I'll go cuz you're a maniac.

- Hey can you watch them and make sure nobody

slips anything into our drinks?

(glass clinks)

- What they hell am I supposed to do now,

she figured out my strategy.

- [Woman] It's the only way you're getting any, pal.

- Good to know, hey ladies, let me know

if you need any help in there.

(laughs)

[Crosstalk 00:52:56]

- It was totally gruesome.

- It was so gross when the director

says oh my gosh this is a love story.

- But he's right, I mean within the reality of the movie.

- Yeah, yeah you writers (mumbles)?

- Yes, but it's true, I mean if you take out the fact

that the love interest was a corpse.

- So within the reality of the movie?

Is that what you're saying?

- Yes, and just forget about the fact that

he committed while stabbing himself in the stomach

while jerking off and he orgasms at the end.

- Yeah a bloody orgasm like how can there possibly

be a love story within that reality.

- And the blood is like splattering all over the place

and on the fucking walls.

(laughs)

- I love it, it's so gross it's so classic.

- So hot that you've seen this movie.

- You're gross.

- Will you play dead for me?

- [Woman] I will eat your face.

(boat horn blows)

- Oh yeah!

Yeah!

(mumbles)

Now you know these are an aphrodisiac right?

- Yes.

- Does that mean they're going to put me to sleep?

- I'm surprised you know that word.

- I know, I read occasionally.

- Spell it.

- That is so gross, you guys are all, fat.

- Can you just try one before you judge?

You've swallowed way worse and more mouths (mumbles)

(laughs)

- Let me buy you another drink.

(laughs)

- I think I'd prefer the oysters.

- Now, now come one, share some of

you sexploits with us, Kerry.

- Uh no, I think Fiona's the one

that you wanna ask about that kind of thing.

- I know, I do have good stories, however

in high school, dear Kerry that she should save

herself for marriage, however she did this

while still having sex with her boyfriend, hmm?

- [Man] How can that be?

- How is it possible?

- I'm your first am I?

- You're not gonna be anything buy my (mumbles).

- Just tell it, it's funny, they will love it.

- [Ian] Come on, just tell the story.

- Someone's gotta tell the story.

- Someone tell it, come on.

- Back in high school, Kerry decides that

she can get out of the no sex before marriage thing

by only doing anal with her boyfriend.

- In the ass.

(laughs)

- Technically I was right.

- [Carl] You're very innovative,

probably (mumbles) for your time.

- I take back everything I said about you my queen.

(laughs)

- Know it's really sex isn't it.

It's so hot and humorous.

She got a horrible case of hemorrhoids.

- Fiona!

(laughs)

- Hemorrhoids suck.

- Yeah.

- Anyway, so what?

- Okay, well if we're going there,

well then why don't you tell yours queef queen?

So this one time.

[Crosstalk 00:55:14]

- My pussy has amazing things to say.

- I can't take her to yoga class.

- A lot of air, she has a big vagina.

- [Ian] So we have like royalty at the table.

- A big vagina, fuck off, you're the

one with the quarterbacks and NFL.

- [Carl] I like ventriloquism, so.

(laughs)

[Crosstalk 00:55:33]

- Hi ladies and gentlemen.

Can I have you do me a favor,

pay your bill and leave, please.

- [Woman] Why?

- I said so, the Good Star, my restaurant, my rules.

- [Woman] Ooh, tough guy.

- Do you guys get kicked out of everywhere you go?

Just want to know what to expect.

No.

(laughs)

- Yup!

- Sometimes.

(laughs)

(insects chirp)

- See now this is nice.

- It is.

- I have a question for the guys.

- [Robbie] Fire away.

- Have any of you ever been

in a real long term relationship?

Don't worry Carl I don't know you.

- Wow, what the fuck, come on, I've been

nothing but nice to you this evening.

- Oh you have been, but Fiona just doesn't

want anyone to hurt her rep.

- As what?

An ice cold bitch?

(people jeer)

(gasps)

No.

- Ah man, that was your moment there.

- Yeah you shoulda just made something up man.

- Whatever Fiona, alright look,

a relationship doesn't have to be long term

to be good.

- How so?

- Passion, alright.

Short and sweet.

No reason to drag it out to the bitter resentful end.

- Well you know my man's got a point there.

- Yeah he sure does.

- You don't look very comfortable down here.

- Thank you, that's really sweet, but I think we'd both fit.

- Sure, I like the sound of that.

(mumbles)

- Tell us about passion.

- Well that seems like a pretty broad topic don't ya think?

- Yeah would you mind narrowing it down a little bit.

- Passion in a relationship, tell me about a passionate

date or a passionate first kiss with a girl.

- Or a guy.

- [Robbie] Ian what are your thoughts on passion?

- Talk to me tomorrow, I'll tell you all about it.

(laughs)

- I got one.

I got one.

High school, Halloween party, Stacy.

Robbie you remember Stacy?

- I think so.

- She was your girlfriend?

- Yeah, no, not really.

Her friends kind of dared her to make out with me.

- How is that passionate?

- Okay, the thing is I didn't know at the time, alright?

I didn't find out that they

dared her til like the day after.

- Oh how sad, that doesn't even count.

- Okay, look at this from my perspective okay.

Here I am, I'm at this party and all the sudden

the girl I had my eyes on since like junior high,

just randomly approaches me and starts kissing me,

like passionately, for at least minute,

maybe a minute and a half, with tongue mind you, right?

- Uh huh, I think if your memory about it is passionate

then that's what matters.

- [Carl] Thank you Laura, absolutely.

- I think that's pathetic.

(slow passionate music)

[Crosstalk 00:59:01]

- Good one, too.

- Like what?

Did she have a short skirt?

- [Carl] She did.

Actually it was very short and leggings

like garter leggins and decent sized.

- You like strawberries?

- [Carl] I'm starting to.

- Do you like short cake?

(laughs)

(mumbles)

[Crosstalk 00:59:30]

(laughs)

- [Ian] Oh, Carl!

- Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him.

(laughs)

Oh my god.

(laughs)

Oh my god, he's (mumbles) now.

(laughs)

- Well, good night Carl, good night fuckers.

(laughs)

- What did she just do?

- Wow, that's some good fucking weed.

(laughs)

- I don't know if that was like really fucking hot

or strange.

- [Ian] Kinda both actually.

- I think I need a cigarette.

- Yeah, did that turn you on?

- Mm hmm.

- I'm gonna hit the hot tub, join me?

- Yeah, I'll be right there.

- [Laura] Goodnight Carl.

(laughs)

- Good night.

- Hey grab some soy sauce, too.

(relaxed music)

- What the hell was that?

- She's just having a good time, man, she's drunk.

- Do you think I got a shot?

- Well, I, honestly I, I don't know man.

- Okay.

Cool.

- [Robbie] Cool?

- Me?

- [Robbie] Yeah.

- I'm perfect.

(laughs)

- Good.

- [Carl] Where you going?

- Hit the hot tub with Laura.

(laughs)

- Oh yeah!

- Word of advice.

- [Carl] Yeah?

- Okay, cold (mumbles) less desperation.

(laughs)

- I wish you could get off on that.

- Think about it, because if you need them,

then they'll know you're needy.

- If I need them, I'm needy.

- Yeah, if you need them, you're needy, alright?

- Got it.

- Good.

- Totally, okay, have a good hot tub.

If you need them, you're needy.

If you like them, your chances are unlikely.

(wolf howls)

Oh hey, Fiona, what's up?

Me?

Oh no, I'm sorry, I think we had a miscommunication,

I mean I think you're pretty and all

but you kinda just do the ice,

cold bitch thing a little much.

What?

Yeah, yeah, I think you're pretty.

You know, you just don't always have to be

such a pain in the ass.

Well, I mean, yeah, you know I condition and shit,

I put some lotion in there, some shampoo.

Get over here!

Oh!

(lion growls)

- Oh!

I thought you might be a selfish one,

but you're oh so generous.

- Not only that but I'm happy

to put my penis in you as well.

- Oh!

(laughs)

(kisses)

- Stay there.

Alright, now is an exercise in self control.

- Okay.

Ah!

That's really cold.

- [Ian] Just wait.

- [Carrie] I didn't realize you were so hungry.

- [Ian] Oh I can always eat fish baby,

and I got a lot of fucking sushi to eat.

- Oh my god, oh!

Whoo!

Oh shit!

(laughs)

(insects chirp)

- Hey.

- Oh hi there.

- Finally get you to myself.

- Yes, I was thinking the same thing.

(kisses)

(rock music)

(kisses)

(laughs)

Whoops!

- Oh, oh so romantic.

- What happened?

- I don't know.

(rock music)

(clothes splat)

(rock music)

- Hey, hey, hey, Robbie, nice going bro!

- Can we help you?

- In so many ways darling, I'm sure that you could.

Yon, Yon Zamolla.

- What do you want Zamolla?

- Yes, sorry, sorry, has anybody seen my group?

- What?

The kids?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, we were supposed to party tonight,

you know, shake our money makers, toss back a brewski or two

and I haven't seen them all night.

- Yon, I haven't seen. - Hasn't seen them.

- Yon?

- Yes, alright, I can see that you, hm, are busy, huh?

Hey Robbie, you call me and tell me all about it.

- There's nothing to tell Yon.

(laughs)

- [Yon] Hey are you two going to the party?

- [Carrie] God!

- [Robbie] God damn it, Yon!

- Alright, alright, I get it.

(laughs)

I get it, I will leave you two kids alone.

- What the fuck is that guys problem?

- I don't know.

- [Yon] Don't forget, tomorrow night, yeah?

Bring the ladies, tons of fun, okay, BYOB,

no one parties like Yon parties.

(laughs)

- I don't think he's (mumbles).

- [Yon] Tomorrow night, (mumbles)

(wood thumps)

- So um, we'll continue this conversation later.

- Yeah, I'm just kinda drunk

and that really killed it for me.

- Sorry.

- [Yon] Eight or 8:30, eightish, okay.

- Goodnight Robbie.

- Goodnight Laura.

- [Yon] See my kids?

Tell them, Yon is looking for them.

You get that Robbie?

Good to meet you, Robbie's lady.

- Shut the fuck up, Yon!

- [Yon] You got it Robbie.

(water splashes)

(phone buzzes)

(footsteps thump)

- Hi.

- Hi.

Got any brew?

- Sure.

- Dark.

Thanks.

(bottle top pops)

I got it.

- Sure.

(bottle top pops)

(glasses clink)

Cheers.

- You know this reminds me of.

- Yeah, no, no.

Just cheers, do a toast, I'm gonna kick ya.

(gasps)

- Ice cold.

(door knocks)

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Sorry I took off.

- Oh no, I completely understand.

(laughs)

You want to grab a drink down stairs?

- I think I'm gonna turn in.

- BYOB, eh?

Huh?

Hmm?

You bring the drinks, I bring the party.

- Stop it, he's harmless.

- Uh, I don't think he is.

- Okay, ill see you tomorrow.

- Alright,

- Okay.

- Tomorrow.

- Bye.

- Mm.

- Goodnight, Robbie the writer.

- Goodnight, Laura.

(door clicks)

- [Robbie] We'll talk tomorrow, meh?

- Okay.

- [Robbie] We'll have fun, yeah, hmm, eh?

Robbie knows how to have fun, heh, heh?

You want fun Robbie's your man, heh?

No awkward hot tubbing with Robbie, okay then,

heh, goodnight, heh, heh.

(laughs)

(birds caw)

- How'd you make you last night?

- Eh, could have been better, how was your sushi?

- No wasabi either.

- Nice, not sure exactly what that means.

- Eh, me neither.

- Where's Carl, sleeping?

- No, he had an afternoon lunch date.

- Yeah a little, blue ball relief, compliments of Fiona.

(laughs)

- Gross.

- Well there's the dirty little devil now.

- There ya go, even Carl can find the beach at the beach.

- Where's he finding all these hookups?

- It's a Carl thing don't ask.

- Lotion me up.

- Burn bitch.

- Fiona.

- Hands are full.

- How was your date?

- Oh, oh.

- Good?

- Oh, oh.

- You taste so good.

- Oh?

- What?

Aahhh.

Typical.

I'm gonna wash my mouth.

- What was that?

- That was our boy Carl.

- So what are we doing tonight?

(laughs)

- Yon Zamolla's! - Yon Zamolla's!

- Oh god please!

(door knocks)

- Guys, hey, welcome, huh?

Hey guys, bros, where's the babes?

- Shut up, Yon.

- Thought we had a deal.

- And you didn't bring any booze?

Hey come on bros, I thought we were simpatico here, huh?

- Hey.

- You know what, alright, no problem.

This is Yon's party huh, I got you covered.

- Thanks Yon, real sweet of you buddy.

- No problem guys I am glad you are here.

(glasses clink)

- So I thought you were having

a party here tonight, Mr. Big Time?

- Eh, you know, kids, they said eight,

maybe they meant 10, huh?

(upbeat music)

Hey, hey, hey kids, what's going on?

(hands slap)

- Listen.

- Hey, what's wrong bro?

- In your face!

(laughs)

(gurgles)

- Party in my face!

(laughs)

- [Man] Hey Yon!

- Hey bro!

- Missed ya dude.

- I missed you.

(laughs)

- Party in your face!

- Hey man, thanks for letting me party in your face.

- Hey, that is what my face is here for.

(laughs)

Hey, party in my face.

♫ I got a crown on my head

♫ All day and night

♫ Cuz karma she don't like me when I don't play nice

♫ I got bruises on my feet from petty crimes

♫ I'll leave your ass so fast don't think twice

♫ (mumbles)

♫ I thought what you done is bad (mumbles)

♫ A train derailed from the track

♫ (mumbles) could it save

♫ I stayed inside the lines

♫ And had a heart attack but I aint going back there again

♫ Oh oh oh

- That is not a band and the music is just okay.

- What the hell is your idea of a band?

- Oh man, all the guys you're talking about

they're a bunch of pussies.

Okay, my music has to be hard and the guys

playing they need to be able to kick the living shit

out of me, I mean literally like kick the living

shit out of me, like I should be afraid

to get into bar fight with any of the members.

- You're funny dude.

(rock music)

(people cheer)

♫ You threw a stone or two well though I didn't break

♫ How many times you kick what does it take

♫ To make me walk away from it all

♫ Oh oh oh

♫ I feel so outta control

- Alright, if you're such a player, what are you doing,

sitting here talking to me?

- It's playa, not player, get it right dog.

- I don't care about your gansta lingo, tough bucket,

which one of these bitches is yours?

- Shit all of them are mine,

been with all of them at some point.

- Get the fuck outta here, you are full of shit.

- He's calling you out dog.

- [Man] Yeah, he is calling you out.

- Ah, what?

(people cheer)

What the fuck was that?

- That's a party in your face bro!

- I don't mind a party, why's it gotta be in my face?

- I need many drinks if we're staying here.

- (mumbles) they just like to party, it's okay.

Hey, hello ladies.

- Good to see you.

(party music)

- Football and basketball and shuffle board, yeah.

- Shuffle board?

- Yeah, yeah, shuffle board.

- Ah, reliving the glory days?

- Oh yeah, I was just telling um?

- Susan.

- Susan about back in high school

when I played all those sports.

- I never heard of the last one.

When was this, like 20 years ago?

- Uh?

It was 12 years ago.

- She's gone.

- It's 12 years ago.

- I can't even talk to these young chicks.

Shuffleboard, I don't even know what that is.

- It's that long slidey thing at the pool hall

we used to play it all the time.

- Oh, well I actually like that game.

- Come on let's go do some shots, forget about this one.

- I don't know, I think I'm gonna call it a night, you know.

- Why you got something lined up?

- Well, kinda, I got a possibility.

- Alright, do your thing man.

- I'll see you later, Ian, I'm out.

(rock music)

♫ Me or myself, kiss and tell, take the stairs

♫ (Mumbles) my belly if I'm around I will answer

♫ Love to let you in, pour some gin,

♫ Lay you back

(spews)

♫ It took a little while to realize that my sky was falling

- I get all kinds of benefits from hanging out

with these kids, huh?

- They seem like good kids, normal college kids.

Why would you take advantage of them like that?

- Whoa.

Bro, I provide them with a service, huh?

They want alcohol and drugs and I get it for them,

they want a safe place to party and I provide it,

I take care of them.

- So what you do this for a little coin and company?

I don't quite get it.

- A little coin?

My man, you've got the wrong idea about Yon Zamolla.

These kids come from upper middle class families and higher,

money means nothing to them, cash and credit cards

flow freely and my services do no come cheap.

- Come on let's hear it.

- What?

- What else?

- Well as you said, I do occasionally get a little something

more than company.

- Yeah, and?

- And, these girls get incredibly fucked up sometimes,

and sometimes they do some crazy shit.

- Well on of these days, the father of one of these kids

is probably gonna catch wind of you

and bury you in a hole somewhere.

- Hmm?

Yeah.

But until then, I'm going to keep my fingers

in their tight little asses.

Huh, huh?

(laughs)

- (Mumbles)

And we need two good looking men.

- Good looking men!

- No, I don't mean, like find them.

- Boys!

- No, not our boys!

- Robbie, Ian!

Come over here!

- Ugh, (mumbles) new guys.

(laughs)

- [Ian] What do we have here?

- That guy is like really super nuts.

- Yeah I kind of admire him, I think he's an entrepreneur.

- Good, focus here, I have rules to this, focus.

- [Ian] You have rules?

- Shot, lemon, neck, salt, lick, drink.

- In that order?

- Just, come on.

(seductive music)

Eww, fucking party in your own face, eww!

Give me my shot, dick!

- What the hell did you do man?

- [Ian] I don't know but I think I like her more now.

(laughs)

- I think you met your match Ian.

(laughs)

- [Ian] I'll see you kids later.

- So you girls sure you're not gonna stay

and have one more drink with Yon before you go, huh?

- No, I don't think so

- Kerry, can we leave?

- Here we go, a little game of eight ball

before you leave huh?

- I don't even know what that means.

- Kerry we're leaving.

(techno music)

(insects chirp)

(door knocks)

- [Woman] Come in.

- Hi.

I'm Carl.

- [Woman] Shut the door.

- Okay.

- [Woman] Take your clothes off.

- I can do that.

A nice place.

- Do you think I'm pretty.

- Um, yeah, I mean I can't really see you very well

it's kinda dark in here.

- Come here put your fingers through my hair.

- It's um, it's very soft, it's nice.

So uh, what do you wanna do now?

- [Woman] Now I'm gonna fuck you with my wiener.

- Wait what?

- I said.

- [Recording] I'm gonna fuck you with my wiener.

♫ Naught naughty naughty

- No, no, no, no, no.

- Get you little ass back here.

- Ah!

Ah!

Ugh.

♫ Naughty naught naughty

Ah.

(body thuds)

(body thuds)

- Wiener, wiener, wiener.

♫ Naughty naughty naughty kiss my naughty naughty

♫ Ass

- Just tired of all the bullshit you know.

The partying and drinking all night

and working just enough to go out the next day.

Just tiresome.

- Maybe you can look for a new job.

You're getting writing jobs now.

- I don't know, it's not so easy to make a change like that.

- It's a start.

- I like you Laura.

- I like you too, Robbie.

Maybe we can hang out when we get back home?

- I hope so.

(laughs)

- Don't eat it, carbs are the enemy.

(mumbles)

(door opens)

- [Kerry] Hey Carl.

- Hey.

- [Carrie] God, Carl, what happened?

- It's not a big deal.

- It looks like a big deal to me, you're bleeding.

- Ah.

- Oh my god, sit down.

- Okay.

- Oh my god, you're a mess, you're really bleeding.

- I think I got jumped.

- You think you got jumped?

- Well.

- Oh my god, um.

- Carl, buddy, you're back.

- Oh, hey.

- Um.

- The fuck happened?

- A fucked up date.

- Some chick did this to you?

- Yeah, no, no, I don't really know, actually.

- Robbie!

- Um I'll go get some ice.

- [Ian] Robbie, come here!

- What's up?

Oh shit man, are you alright?

- It's just some cuts and bruises.

- What the fuck happened?

- Some freak beat the shit out of him.

- This is one of those internet dates again?

- Let me see.

- You need to take us here now.

- Look, I don't even know if the guy is there

anymore alright?

- We'll just go and we'll find out okay?

- That's nuts, what are you going to do, go beat him up?

- No, I'm gonna buy him an ice cream cone.

- What is your problem?

We don't know the guy, what if he has a gun?

- Ow.

- Look we're wasting time, let's go.

- Robbie you can't do this, this is the opposite

of everything that you want right now.

- You don't understand, they're gonna go

with or without me, I'm not gonna abandon my friends.

I have to go.

- Come one we're wasting time, let's go.

Let's go!

(door slams)

(slow rock music)

- [Carl] So this is it.

- [Ian] This is a very nice place there Carl.

- [Carl] Yeah well, like you guys said,

something like this was bound to happen

sooner or later.

(engine hums)

Oh shit.

- [Ian] That's the guy?

- [Carl] That's the guy.

- [Ian] You failed to mention this

guy's the top of the food chain, Carl.

- [Robbie] Alright so what's the plan?

- [Carl] I got an ice scraper.

- [Ian] Fuck it man, there's three of us,

hey we can handle the big boy.

Come on let's do it.

- Carl?

(laughs)

- Choke him out, changed my mind, you choke him out.

- [Man] Back for more huh?

- Robbie, why?

- I can't even get my hands up to his shoulders.

- Fight or flight.

Fight or flight.

- Sorry about your head.

(hard rock music)

(laughs)

(body thuds)

(body thuds)

(growls)

- Ah!

(rock thuds)

(body thuds)

(body thuds)

- Ian, no!

(sirens blare)

- Guys, let's go.

(squeaks)

- Jesus.

- Sorry.

(gasps)

Mur moor me moor.

(door squeaks)

- What the fuck was that man?

- What, what?

- What?

You went into psycho mode back there,

you woulda fucking probably killed the guy.

- Oh what happened?

- He'll be fine, just shut the fuck up, Robbie.

- Yeah, he'll be eating solid food by the end of the week.

- How the fuck is that funny man?

In the least fucking possible way, how is that funny?

- Because he got what he deserved that's how.

- Overboard man, okay, you would've killed

the fucking guy if I wouldn't have fucking stopped you.

- Okay, I get this, gotta show off in front

of the little girlfriend.

- Look who's talking, you are the fucking king of show off.

You knew god damn well I came here to work

and you turn it into one of your god damn fucking parties.

- You know I don't know if you've ever noticed Robbie,

while you got your nose in the fucking note book

all the time, but you have absolutely

zero fucking fun in your life if I didn't arrange for it.

- What do you mean by that, arranging, arrange what?

Ian, you wanna tell everybody else?

- Yeah fine, this whole thing, yeah, I fucking

arranged it fine, what's your fucking problem with that

buddy, huh?

(claps)

- You set this up?

Through your friend who owns the place?

(gasps)

- Lester!

Lester, that's right.

- Fuck you Ian, and I still smell like fish.

- Yeah fuck you Ian.

(door slams)

(people mutter)

- Ugh.

Thank you Ian, I don't know what everybody

else's problem is, oh shit, new lighthouse documentary

is on again.

(stuff rattles)

We can watch sports instead if you want.

(birds caw)

(sirens blare)

(frogs croak)

(sirens blare)

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,

shit, ah, this is all my fault, and I've

got the worst morning wood that just won't go away.

- Holy shit, Carl, put that thing away.

- Fuck me.

- Ugh, oh!

- Sorry, dog, I didn't mean to hit you with my dick.

- Put that fucking thing away.

- [Ian] Christ, Robbie you alright man?

- Yeah.

- Guys!

There are not here for you.

Cops are across the street.

- Oh maybe, they have the wrong house.

- Maybe they're setting up for an ambush.

- [Carl] Maybe if I start crying

I can get rid of this boner.

- You guys, I think they're here for Yon.

- What?

- Carl!

You're poking me!

Gross!

- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

(groans)

- Eh, eh?

- You know guys I think it's safe to say

they're here for your buddy.

(taser zaps)

- [Group] Oh!

- He's doing the Zamolla.

(gargles)

(taser zaps)

- [Group] Oh!

- They tased him.

- Uggggh!

(body thuds)

- Well, that's it, Yon just got a party in his face.

- Oh good show.

- Did I start crying yet?

- Yes, and you still have a boner.

- Damn it!

- Oh my god, do you guys see what's going on outside?

- Yeah. - What's it all about?

- Okay, so apparently all of those college kids,

are all actually really still in high school.

- Oh!

- High school?

- Damn.

- Well, then.

- Dodged a bullet there.

(laughs)

- And detective Dan that Yon is wanted

for a whole nother list of charges

which include statutory rape.

- Damn.

- Delinquency of a minor,

I don't know what that one is, drug trafficking,

sodomy.

- That's a good one, I kinda like that one.

- I know Carl, I like that one too, but it's still illegal.

- Anything else?

- Oh yes, and possession of child pornography.

- Oh!

- Oh that's a big one.

- Uncle took pictures of me and my cousin once.

- How do you make that go away.

- I'm sorry, I have a magazine

for these kinds of emergencies.

- Anyway, there were a few more charges,

but I can't remember all of them.

- Oh.

- Wow.

- Yeah, breakfast anyone?

- I really think we should hit the road.

- Dude, we're in the clear.

- [Robbie] I think we're done here.

- I think we all are.

- You're leaving too?

- I'm already packed.

(monkey calls)

- Spend a night at a nice hotel,

but I'm not spending another night here, no way.

- This is bullshit.

Look if we leave now, like this,

we're all gonna remember this as a shitty trip.

Stay, it's all passing then be cool.

- Hmm?

- It's the beach for god's sake.

- It might be cool, but I think we're just done here.

- Hey guys, I just got a message from Nikki,

her grandmother died, I think she wants us to come home

as soon as we can.

- I think she wants you to come back buddy.

- [Carl] Really?

- I think that settles it, let's go.

- Really, fine, perfect end right, like a bad massage.

- A bad massage.

- Yeah, one without a happy ending.

- That's a real massage you jerk off.

- Fiona please, can we at least try and end this

as friends.

- Whatever, just as long as it ends.

- Group hug?

- No.

- [Ian] I'm good.

- I'll give you a hug Carl.

- Thank you, Kerry.

- Part of me will always be inside you.

♫ I've known it from the moment that I saw your face

♫ All the ink that lined the page before has washed away

♫ All my selfish needs would cease to be

♫ When you looked at me

♫ Regrettably I fight the urges that I had locked inside

♫ All caught up in tragedy and how to nurse my pride

♫ I wish I could see these things you see

♫ When you looked at me

- Call me when you get home?

- Yeah, I don't know if that's a great idea, Robbie.

- I thought you might say that.

- I just think you have some things to fix

and maybe some growing up to do.

- That saddens me, I'm saddened, but it's good though.

As long as I don't end up like that guy in the movie.

- What you mean the bloody masturbatory suicide?

- Yeah.

- Yeah I don't recommend that.

- You're probably right, I'll try and avoid it.

- Think you're gonna be fine, Robbie.

Just think you need to figure it out

what it is you want to accomplish in this life, you know?

- I always wished that for me.

(kisses)

I had fun though.

- Yeah, I had fun too.

- [Narrator] Laura did call me a few days later,

I went to visit her several times and she came to visit

me some, but we eventually just faded out.

The car ride home was pretty quiet, except

for a lengthy explanation to Carl that Nikki

was wanting more than just a friendship from him.

- You mean like with benefits?

- [Narrator] I think he eventually got it.

It's hard to tell with that guy.

(slow guitar music)

When we got home that afternoon, we drove

right to Nikki's house.

Ian and I left after a little while,

Carl never did.

A few years later and Carl still hasn't left,

not that they didn't have their share of issues to overcome.

(moans)

- Talk dirty to me.

- What?

- Come on say something nasty.

- Uh.

(kisses)

- Come on.

(laughs)

- Okay, ooh, I got one, um, I'm gonna fuck you so hard,

you're grandma's gonna feel it, the dead one.

- Oh my god.

- What? - That was terrible.

- No wait, hold on a second.

- I can't.

- You said she didn't even leave you anything in the will.

- Stop.

- No.

- What?

- It was like.

- Oh my god.

- There was a love fuck for you.

- Just get it out of my head. - It was a hate fuck for her,

but everybody gets. - Stop, stop talking Carl.

- No, okay, she can't feel anything,

she's dead. - Stop talking!

Stop!

- [Narrator] She had her work cut out for her,

I guess she needed a project to work on.

I eventually finished the writing gig,

he needed me to write in order to be my agent.

- That's two weeks late.

- [Narrator] So I wrote.

- Eeeh!

- [Narrator] But I never wrote greeting cards.

It took awhile, but I finished the book,

it got a reasonable first print,

maybe it'll get a second print,

and who knows, maybe it will even get an option for a movie.

Stranger things have happened.

Over the next few years, Ian remained pretty much the same,

that isn't a bad thing, he's just not quite ready

for a change yet, I mean who can blame him?

What are we in such a hurry to grow up for?

Hell, Ian is happier than most people I know.

When we got back I went to see Melanie,

you remember, the girl I wanted to miracle fuck

back to life?

Felt great just to sit across from her and not

have to focus solely on her tits.

I did it this time, but only because I wanted to.

(upbeat rock music)

- Good, cuz you're not invited, this is a full out guyfest.

- [Nikki] Oh nice, you can measure your cocks all day long.

- There's gonna be no cock measuring alright,

we're gonna be too busy seeing lighthouses, please.

Oh, no lighthouse for you, sad face, tear tear.

- [Ian] Carl, lighthouses?

- Why the fuck else are we gonna go to the beach, really?

(laughs)

- [Nikki] You're gay.

- There's nothing gay about lighthouses.

(laughs)

Lighthouses are like mystical creatures they're like

unicorns and rainbows, double rainbows.

- [Nikki] If there was a unicorn,

I would bribe it to run straight into your ass

with its horn.

- Well that would be really difficult for it,

because I would already be.

- [Nikki] Bent over and waiting?

- Protected by my lighthouse, and then

I would blind the unicorn with the light from my lighthouse

and your unicorn would die.

- [Nikki] Unicorns didn't even exist when lighthouses did.

- [Director] Cut?

(laughs)

Now we don't gotta tell nobody, it'll be our thing.

It's cool.

You're getting kinda needy, I like some distance so just,

well I mean if you have to.

- [Robbie] Carl?

- Oh shit, fuck Robbie, God fuck.

(upbeat rock music)

♫ We were (mumbles) to dance with a gun to our heads

♫ Monochrome boys

♫ Will fold their arms and not let you in

♫ We will only sing with a sing (mumbles)

♫ Better monotone boys

♫ There is no way that you can win