Original subtitles

Hey, you're looking a little under the weather.

You all right?

He most certainly is not.

He dined on that lovely can of bacon fat

you've been hiding under the sink.

Aw, geez. Poor little guy.

(doorbell rings)

You know bacon grease is bad for dogs.

Ironic, considering its vast health benefits for humans.

Hello. Hi, guys. Hello.

Hey. Sorry we're late.

Well, that's all right.

We're not having lunch until 1 :1 5.

Oh, great.

Oh, long night, Niles?

Oh, a bit. We were out at a party last night.

At Bill Gates' house.

Really?

Some sort of charity event?

Oh, no, just a few people over for dinner.

His wife has been following

Maris's case, and she wanted to meet us.

It seems the story's captured everyone's imagination.

People want to get the inside scoop.

Their house is enormous.

I got lost going to the loo,

but a voice in the wall guided me back.

Sounds like fun.

Anyway, I thought after lunch

we might stop by the museum

for the Goya exhibit.

Actually, we're going

tomorrow night with the Blenkinsops.

Tomorrow? But...

the museum's closed tomorrow.

Not for Bunny and Bruce.

Well. Oh.

With all the rarefied elbows you've been rubbing lately,

I'm surprised you could find the time for lunch

with a commoner like me.

Oh, now, stop, but if we could get going,

I have a perfume launch at 4:00.

Oh.

(doorbell ringing)

It's a pretty lady holding some mail.

Oh, you didn't pull that trick again, did you?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Step aside. Don't let her slip it under the door.

Hello.

Hi. Sorry to disturb you.

Some of your mail got mixed in with mine.

Oh, dear. How did that happen?

Some of it just seemed to be jammed in there.

Uh-huh.

Really? Well, you know,

we must make allowances for our mailman.

He's a veteran.

So, uh...

my name's Dr. Frasier Crane.

Caroline Harwich.

Nice to meet you, and this is my family.

My father, Martin Crane.

Hi.

My sister-in-law, Daphne,

and my brother, Niles.

You look awfully familiar. Have we met?

I am somewhat of a media figure.

No, your brother.

Oh, you're Niles Crane from that big murder case.

I saw you on the news.

Mmm. He's been on three times this week.

He's practically famous.

Oh, well... hardly famous.

Yes, my brother doesn't like to toot his own horn.

You know, I was discussing that very personality type today

on my very popular radio show.

Oh, right, right-- Dr. Frasier Crane.

Yes.

Yes, my mother listens to you.

Oh.

Well, anyway, it was nice meeting you all.

Yes, likewise. Take care. Bye-bye.

Yes, bye.

You know, isn't it nice to know

there are still honest people in the world?

How come your mail never gets mixed up

with that sweaty fat guy's upstairs?

We should, we should really be running along.

Yes, yes, you know, I'm afraid

we'll have to be lunching at Vindaloo.

I couldn't get us in at le Toque.

Mmm...

Oh, n...

Well, you know, maybe I should call.

I've had the best luck with restaurants lately.

Well, they swore that they were absolutely booked solid.

Oh, dear.

Hello. Yes, wondering if you could possibly

squeeze in three for lunch today?

That's Dr. Crane.

No, actually Niles.

Oh, how lovely. Thank you.

We'll see you in a bit.

Oh, hey, Fras.

Oh, hi.

I'm so sorry about the show.

I was a little distracted.

Oh, yes, I sensed that when you patched through Wanda,

who wanted to know what our soup of the day was.

My sister Denise is in town. I hate it when she visits.

She isn't happy until she make me feel completely miserable.

Do you know what she called my place?

"Cozy. "

Well, that's a compliment.

No, it's code for smaller than hers.

Cappuccino, please.

She wraps every insult up in a compliment.

When I try to call her on it, she just says,

"Hon, I was trying to be nice.

You're so sensitive. "

And of course everything in her life is so perfect.

Her home, her husband,

her stretch of highway she keeps clean.

She's so competitive.

Mmm.

Well, if it's any comfort,

Niles has been perfectly insufferable of late.

This whole Maris affair has gained him some mild notoriety.

He's been flaunting it like a tattered boa.

I'm trying to do the right thing and rise above it, of course,

but there are times when I just want

to step on his feet-- and hard, too.

Ooh.

Denise!

Frasier, hi. Hello, Denise.

How are you?

Good to see you.

Well, you are looking very distinguished.

Thank you.

That's code for old.

i know.

Oh, i am so sorry i'm late.

Craig called.

The poor thing, he misses me so much

it's just impossible to get him off the phone.

i hope this makes it up to you.

Now, Roz, i know you love your sportswear,

but trust me, men like women

who wear dresses once in a while.

So you've said.

Denise, you having fun on your trip?

Oh, yes. Staying with Roz

is always so much fun-- it's sort of like camping.

(phone ringing)

Ooh.

Hello?

it's my contractors.

Take my advice-- never build a pool house.

Oh, hon, i picked us up a Seattle magazine

so we can find some fun things to do this week.

Does that include rolling it up,

turning it sideways and...

Now, Roz.

At least she's trying.

She did get you a gift, after all,

and look, it's very chic, and expensive, i'm sure.

And two sizes too small.

All right, she's a bitch.

Thank you.

Hey, hey, it's Mr. Sea Bees.

The nominations are in?

Yeah, two of them.

Oh, Roz! Yay!

Actually, Roz, they're both for Frasier

You're up for Best Host

and Best informational Special

which gives you the lifetime record for most nominations.

Oh, my God! i'm...

i'm so flattered.

i hope you two will join me at my table?

Ugh, those awards are endless.

They're torture.

Can i bring my sister?

Of course.

Oh, look. it's Niles.

You going to tell him you broke the SeaBees record?

if it comes up.

You know, Doc, we should take advantage of this thing.

i got a friend at the Seattle Times who owes me one.

i could ask him to write a big profile on you.

Thank you, no, Kenny.

let others engage in that sort of shameless self-promotion.

i'm not interested in playing that sort of game.

Oh, Niles.

Hi. listen, Frasier, i'm so sorry.

i have to cancel tonight.

i-i-i'm going to go hear Tony Bennett.

Oh. Really? Really, where's he playing?

At Frank Gehry's birthday party.

Well, speaking of glamorous parties, Niles...

Oh, no, is that Seattle magazine?

i was hoping you hadn't seen it.

Seen what?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

it's a silly thing . it's page 30.

Oh, it's one of those

"What's Hot- What's Not" lists. i love these.

"Heirloom tomatoes, hot.

Sun-dried tomatoes, not... "

Give me that.

Ha-ha.

"Dr. Niles Crane, hot. Dr. Frasier Crane... "

Well, you see where they're going with this.

Well, we'll just see who's not hot

when the winter/spring edition

of Seattle Broadcaster comes out.

For your information, Niles, i have recently...

Excuse me. i'm so sorry for this.

i'm going to get some coffee.

Oh, dear. Oh...

Oh.

Hello. Hello, Daphne.

A delivery from Bill and Mindy?

Aren't they sweet?

(sighs) No.

Don't uncrate it till i get home.

Kenny, about that article.

Way ahead of you, Doc.

No, he'll make for a great profile.

SeaBees record holder, doctor, big ladies' man--

the whole ball of wax.

Uh, well, you can ask him yourself.

Hello. Yes, well , when would be agood time for you?

Oh, i've just had the greatest idea.

What if you interview me while we're at the SeaBee Awards?

Yes, it'll be a freewheeling chat

against a glittering backdrop.

Splendid. i will see you anon.

Hey.

No, he always talks like that.

Why are you taking him to the SeaBees?

Because i want him to see me at my best, Roz.

Do your realize, i'm giving the opening remarks this year,

and if i do say so myself, they will change you.

Yeah, from an awake person to a sleeping one.

(gasps) Perfect.

All i was lacking was the appropriate piece of arm candy to accompany me

and there she is.

Who's she?

it's a neighbor of mine in the building

whose acquaintance i have recently made.

Oh, right. Daphne told me

you pulled that old mail trick out of moth balls.

Caroline.

Frasier, hello.

Hi. Good to see you.

Cappuccino, to go.

Thank you so much for those flowers.

Oh, gosh, it was the least i could do

after that stumblebum of a mailman

made you do his job for him.

Oh, i'd send him a complaintit. letter if i'd think he'd get

(laughing)

That's delightful.

Uh, listen, uh...

i hope this isn't too bold,

but you see, i've been nominat for a broadcast award,

twice actually, and i was... well,

there's a, there's a black -tgala on Saturday night.

i was hoping you could accompany me.

Why, thank you. i'd love to.

Fantastic. i'll pick you up around 7:30.

Well, i worked my magic.

That magnificent creature

will be accompanying me on Saturday night.

Frasier, the awards are Saturday morning.

What? Of course they're not.

Yes, they are.

Who would plan an awards ceremony on a Saturday morning?

Kenny was in charge this year. He booked the room too late.

See you this weekend.

Oh... Yeah, bye-bye. Uh... right.

Oh, oh, don't forget--

i'll pick you up, 7:30 Saturday morning.

Bye-bye.

Saturday morning?

Yes, Yes. Did i...?

i did mention that, didn't i

Oh, gosh. it-it seems the SeaBees are to be

a cheery breakfast event this year.

but the good news is, actually,

i'll be able to get you home by noon.

Bye-bye.

Yeah, i don't think that's going to work for me.

i have Pilates on Saturdays.

Oh, gosh, i wish you'd said something sooner.

i'm sorry. Bye-bye.

Yeah.

Oh, you can't blame her, Frasier.

Who wants to get into hair and makeup at 8:00 in the morning?

Well, somebody better. i'm being profiled.

it's gonna looke like i can't even scare up a date

You scared that one pretty good.

Cindy, where are you?

listen, this thing's about to start.

Well, i'm sorry you broke your heel,

but can't you just put o n a different pair of shoes?

Oh, your actual heel. Ouch.

Well, uh... feel better.

(sighs)

Roz, are you sure this dress didn't fit you?

Because i'm just swimming in it.

Two Bloody Marys, please.

And there's a 20 in it for you

if one of them's poisoned.

i don't even care which one.

There's a face i'm happy to see.

Frasier.

Not you, Roz. Denise, listen.

Could you do me a small favor?

, You see, my date didn't show up

and there's a reporter here today

doing a story on me.

Could you pretend to be my date?

Well, sure. First, the valet hits on me, and now this.

Hi, guys.

Some spread. i got pigs in a blanket

lying on an omelet pillow.

And check it out-- it snowed cheese.

Oh, Roz, larry Gamba couldn't make it.

So, if he wins, can you accept for him?

Sure, Kenny. Nothing takes the sting

out of not being nominated

like accepting an award for my former intern.

Now, Roz, don't frown.

Those lines don't go away.

Oh, hey there! Randy! Over here!

This is the reporter.

Here he is-- the Doc himself.

This is Roz Doyle, his ace producer.

And this is my dad, Martin Crane.

Dad, could you move over one?

Thank you, Kenny. Here we are.

And i'd like you to meet my date,

the lovely and talented Denise Dawson.

Oh, honey, stop it.

it's a pleasure to meet you.

Very nice.

So, i'm so glad you could join us

on our gala morning.

is this thing always so early?

No. But, then, the SeaBees has always been

the wayward maverick of award shows.

in fact, i plan to touch on that

in my opening remarks,

while hewing to my original theme

of communication as the engine of social progress.

Sounds great.

Could i get a big cup of coffee, please?

What's Niles doing here? i gave him Ronee's ticket.

She said she hated to miss it, but she didn't want to come.

Hello, i'm sorry i'm late.

i had to distribute some sound bites.

That's quite all right,Dr. Crane.

i'm very excited to meet you.

Randall Schoonover of the Seattle Times.

He's doing Oh. Hello.

a profile of me: "A Day in the life of Dr. Frasier Crane. "

But if there's anything you'd like to tell my readers...

Oh, uh... thank you.

i'm just here to support my brother.

"Supports his brother. "

(music begins playing)

Oh! Well, i guess it's time

for me to give my opening remarks.

You just, uh...

sit tight, and i'll be back in 20 minutes.

You want to give me a cue

so i know when to play you offstage?

Ah! You will feel the pace quicken

as i build to my climax:

a grim verbal picture of the world without broadcasting.

Just tell me the last words.

i'll say, "Thank you. "

Good morning.

i'm Dr. Frasier Crane, and it is my great honor

to stand before you, my fellow luminaries,

and welcome you to the Seattle Broadcasting Awards.

i hope to do justice

to the dignity of this most august occasion.

i've been asked to inform everyone

that we are running low on sausage...

so if you would please limit yourselves

to one link or patty.

Thank you.

(band plays)

But i'm not finished.

Thanks, Frasier.

Oh... oh, thank you.

Now...

who wants to hand out some hardware?

Angela DiStefano...

Keith Meebly...

and Chet Hardy,

the legendary host of "it's Your Dime. "

So many greats this year.

This is for you, my dear.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Oh, hi, Craig.

Honey, i've got to take this.

Oh. Okay. Hurry back, love.

So, Randall, where were we?

Your brother was just telling me

how Maris is coping with jail.

So is it true that Maris tried to break out?

Oh, no, no, no.

Her eyebrow pencil simply rolled out of her cell,

and she went to get it.

it's really the jail's fault

for making those bars so far apart.

This is really my brother's day though.

And now the nominees for Best informational Special.

Doc, this is you.

Riley Austin for Underground Skateboarder.

Harper Norton for inside the Statehouse,

and Dr. Frasier Crane

for The Young Person's Guide to Depression.

And the winner is...

Riley Austin.

i'm just going to track down some Sweet'N low.

Well, Niles, you should have powdered your nose

if you planned to spend so much time in my spotlight.

i was just making conversation.

Well, stop it.

Knock it off, you two.

if you can't share this reporter,

i'm going to ask him to leave.

Roz, get ready. This is larry's category.

i can't believe that this happened.

No, it-it's all right.

i-i'm still up for Best Host.

Craig... He's leaving me.

What?

He met someone else.

i can't believe this is happening to me.

And the winner is larry Gamba for KACl.

KENNY: Roz, get up there.

This is so terrible.

i know, i know.

How would you know what it's like

to lose a husband, Roz?

You never even had one.

Accepting the award is Roz Doyle.

(sobbing)

Um, thanks, Plum.

Um... larry couldn't be here today,

but if he were here,

he would say, um...

Yes!

Thank you, God!

Yes! This is the best day

of my entire life!

i-i've just been waiting for this

since i was a little girl!

Yes! (music playing)

You have no idea how much this means to me!

Yes!

Thank you. Thank you so much.

i hate men.

Now, now, Denise...

Shut up. You're all the same.

No, listen, Denise, i know...

Get your hands off me! Stop it!

There's no need for you to write that down.

And now the nominees for Best Radio Call-in Host.

Better get ready, Doc-- this one has your name on it.

Well, it better, because this whole show has been a nightmare,

not that it actually could be a nightmare,

because it's mid-morning.

And the SeaBee goes to...

the late Chet Hardy, for "it's Your Dime. "

(music plays)

MARTiN: Sorry, son.

You can't beat a dead guy.

Dead. That's the best kind of guy.

i think maybe i have enough.

Uh, no, pl-pl-please don't go.

Uh, listen, the show'll be over very soon.

They actually have a Bat Mitzvah booked for noon,

so maybe we can finish up in the lobby.

Okay, i'll get my coat . Thank you.

i hope you can join us, Niles.

Oh, uh...

Don't you dare.

You have been monopolizing that man's time all morning.

You should be thanking me for distractinghim from this circus.

You should talk-- You've been the ringmaster of your own media circus

for the last week. And it's just killing you, isn't it?

if you think i am jealous of your tawdry notoriety,

then you don't know who i am.

Just like most of the people in this city.

You go too far!

(woman screams)

Doc, that's Jerry Edwards.

He's supposed to close the show.

is he all right?

Oh, no,

you knocked his glass eye out.

You're going to have to close the show.

What? Well,

you took him out... and you'll be the only guy

in history to open and close the SeaBees.

Really?

Nobody's ever done it before?

But i don't have anything prepared.

Don't worry, it's all on the TelePrompTer.

Now get up there and sing. it's to the tune of Moon River.

Ooh, think i just kicked something.

("Moon River" playing)

The SeaBees now are at an end

We hope you've made a friend or two

And the SeaBees

Have great freebies

Just pick up your bag

At the door to your right

Found it!

That's an olive.

The SeaBees

We hope your day was great

And yes, we validate-- right there

See Rico, Eduardo or Jen

They'll bring it round the bend

A Hyundai or a Benz

The SeaBees are through.