Original subtitles

in the interest of truth and justice I have set down the unvarnished facts of my life

my own story in my own words

and especially in the images of the movies I was in

let people judge for themselves

if these things can ever be said to have a beginning for me it started when I was 12 years old I went to the movies and I saw a film called "hurricane"

the actor was John Hall

when he dove from the mast I knew what I wanted to do with my life

I wanted to be in the movies like him a movie star

that dive, that body I dreamt about them long after I had forgotten the film

maybe my attraction to that shadow on the screen convinced me I could replace it with my own body

movies and eroticism who can separate them?

the sad thing about films though, is you can trace the decline of beauty and the process of aging in the course of a handful of films

just a few years later Hall's innocence looks shotworne and coarsened

it was just five years. Hollywood can do that to you

his bandage on his head didn't help

the same was true of me I suppose

I never understood how this

could turn into this

years later I met a stuntman who told me he did the actual dive

I was bitterly disappointed to learn that it wasn't Hall himself

but by then I had already learned a great deal about the illusiory nature of the screen image

when I died of aids in 1985 everyone was so shocked that the lesser shock that I was gay was more easily absorbed

after all, being gay isn't quite as horrible as being dead, even by the most conservative standards

but what a way to come out of the closet on the front-pages of every newspaper in the world everyone's worst nightmare

it certainly used to be mine

what I'd like to know is how come everyone didn't know by then? it's not like it wasn't up there on the screen

if you watch the films carefully

the truth hurts, doesn't it? I'd like to know the truth about you

the truth about me? I always knew the truth wasn't that enough?

even as a child I knew that I was different

how different?

well ... just ... different

- poof! - what do you mean? poof?

- do you wanna pump before or after we sail? - if I thought we should pump I'd ask for it

the Odeon, that's the biggest nightclub there, has made us a fine offer and I've accepted

no! the Odeon? that's wonderful! Hamburg is the gayest city in Germany

I've already given notice here, we close a week from Saturday and open in Hamburg before Monday night

he's the last guy in the world I would have figured

who can look at my movies the same way ever again?

I made these films before the word gay was used in polite company before aids existed

before people knew that gay also meant their sons, their brothers, their husbands

now everyone can see my films and say knowingly "But of course he was gay" as if they knew long before my death

but at the time nobody got it

I of course knew and understood better that anyone else the gay implications in every movie

in fact, I snipped these scenes out and would run them over and over again for my friends in the screening room in my house, we rolled on the floor with laughter

evidence, irrefutable proof, it was all up there my homosexuality in plain sight like the purloined letter

the public insisted on seeing me as some kind of ideal embodiment of American manhood no matter what happened on the screen

and with women - even if they didn't know what I was talking about, or what they were talking about - I did

it was all about excuses, evasions, protestations

from them: confusion, accusations, understanding

for your consideration: my sample reel

well since I've nothing to gain by lying to you

I think you're the most provocative, exciting and most desirable woman I've ever met

you and Kyle! the Rover boys

I guess that's why I hate him so

for taking you away from me

yeah I got an interest in somebody that's got an interest in somebody else

I haven't any wife I live with my sister

why aren't you married?

why can't you get married?

it's the sort of thing a man doesn't discuss with a nice woman

oh Linus! what is it?

what a kind of life you lead? I don't know that life how can I make sure it would work out?

you can't, Carrie

- and whey you get tired of it you're gonna wander into town, pick up a hand and have to shoot your way out of town again - a man can change, Carrie

there's only so much a woman can do and no more I speak from personal experience with you

- oh, but I'm not any fun for you any more I'm just like a big flour barrel - you're more beautiful all the time

- just the same you're going down to town tomorrow and find yourself some gay young playmate - I don't wanna be with anybody else. - Yes, you do.

Anton I know what happened and what must be on your mind

but please try and forget it. you couldn't have acted any differently

one doesn't always have to have a clear reason for the things he does, it's how I feel, that's all

Carrie, this is what I have to do

Linus! what are you doing here?

where am I?

this is Jerry Webster's apartment

how did you get here?

are you alright?

try to think

- was he waiting for you at your hotel last night? - yes, that's it

but how did he get you to come here?

- you got to tell him the truth! - you know what will happen?

I know it'll mean you'll lose your job and your customers and everything, but you've got to do that

once you start fooling people you have to go on and keep on fooling them and

you're too nice a guy to be a phony and to keep on being a phony

if you didn't live through the fifties you can't imagine what it was like

men were supposed to be men strong silent secure, John Wayne, Gary Cooper

and women were supposed to be women delicate filly things who only had marriage on the brain

well I looked the part of the manly man which accounted for my screen success

and one thing men and women were expected to do, had to do, was get married

hitched, hooked, yoked. all the phrases suggesting what? animals in a trap

and love is the tender trap

but before you succombed kicking and screaming to this blissful state

the guy was supposed to avoid it as long as possible

as a handsome bachelor movie star he was supposed to play the field, in fact he had to

but here's the contradiction: if by a certain age you're not hitched, even if you're a sexy movie star bachelor, the gossip starts

I think a man has all the confidence in the world until he's asked about his wife. then he goes to pieces

why aren't you married?

it's about time you got hitched, isn't it?

no, I have trouble enough finding oil

- has he proposed? - no but I have. quite often.

there is nothing in this world so wonderful, so fullfilling as coming home to the same woman every night

why?

I've met plenty of girls nice ... otherwise

well not the right one, and when you do - or do you think you're not susceptible?

some day you're gonna make some lucky woman a very fine husband

that's kind of you

I'm afraid I can never get married

that's what it means to be adult: a wife, a family, a house

a mature man wants those responsibilities

why?

now you know why I'm afraid to get married

I'm afraid, afraid I'll be a failure

oh, but you won't! I know!

a woman knows these things

I wouldn't know what a woman knows

but my marriage, a marriage of convenience, was a disaster

it was arranged by the studio to prevent the scandal sheets from blabbing about my sex life

the fan magazines went bananas

Hollywood's most eligible bachelor snared

but the innuendo never stopped

- are you alright? - what do you mean "alright"?

he obviously respected you

he didn't even try to kiss you

or maybe you just don't appeal to him?

he didn't write your number down

or maybe he's ... can you allow yourself to think of the word, Doris?

it doesn't matter. the audience is way ahead of you

- damn it, Lily. - I'm sorry, I really can't help it

if you really wanted me, it shouldn't matter anyway

I'm not afraid anymore

oh that's good!

what are you going to do?

I'm going to give you confidence

be gentle

you're afraid of me, aren't you?

get a lot of dates with that line?

that's Cyd Charisse who had seen better days dancing opposite Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly

here she makes like Miss Dracula on a talent search

what was it about the fifties anyway?

was it a cultural thing, the almost inevitable interruption of the kiss?

or did it just happen to me?

not that I especially minded

as if I didn't have enough troubles

give me a little kiss and I'll give it right back to you

would you please like to kiss me?

of course I had a couple of simulated steamy kisses from my scrap book, one or two scorchers

but mostly it was pack and part

kissing interruptus

what is it? what did I? oh, she just has to fix her hair

here I am arm-wrestling with Angie Dickinson, a former girlfriend of the late JFK

the historical implications of being a kiss away from the president, I have to admit, did brace my motor. - I'm sure you get the general idea.

and the ultimate interruption in kissing interruptus

our first kiss ever and look what happens a metaphor for love in the age of aids 20-odd years before the fact

a new definition of kiss of death ?

I guess this is what the upcry was about when I kissed Linda Evans on Dynasty

even though everyone knows you can't get aids from kissing

if my love scenes with women - however tenuous and unresolved - was the cake Hollywood was serving up to the public,

the scenes with me cruising - yes, cruising men right under the studio bosses' very noses, was for me the frosting

remember heterosexuals, before they appropriated the word cruising, it was called flirting

making a pass at, coming on to, showing an interest in

the tell-tale signs, discreet or indiscreet glances and a dumb ice-breaker or two

- do you live around here? - yes

I should have collapsed on one of these roads long ago

in guy-girl screen pickups we know what to look for and listen to because we all assume to be straight, and we're taught the conventions

when guys cruise each other on screen - because it's so unacceptable in real life - we don't even notice it, it becomes invisible

what does it look like?

let's say it's a fandango of furtive glances, or glances that are held too long, cryptic remarks and innuendo-full propositions

in the fifties and sixties no one was paying attention but I was

need a light, cowboy?

when are you heading back to the ranch, Tex?

they told you'd try to circle around to get the sun in my eyes

you did a little circling yourself

circling, eh ? Maybe I did, Kirk. maybe you did, too

cruising in its purest state, so classic and obvious it can't be mistaken for anything else

he'll stay in my tent so we can live here I'll bunk in with you, I snore like an elephant but that's your problem

why am I smiling? what can my character be thinking of?

I am sorry I lost control out there I'm alright now

I had a similar experience once

something I have never been able to completely shake

so I'm not exactly the one to give advice

Sir, it's the way of things I guess

that's what I always thought. maybe we ought to get the work done first

- I'll come for you at sundown. - I'll be waiting for you

what verb is his body language conjugating?

you like Beethoven?

- take it or leave it - well you'd better take it

oh oh think fast Rock. don't fumble this pass

by the way, my name is Drager

what's yours?

but my finest moment was putting the make on Duke

maybe wearing that silly plume gave me the courage

first the pause dramatic

don't I know you from somewhere?

to my knowledge, Colonel, we've never met before

then the remark nonchalant

it's late. will you and your friend join us for supper? stay the night?

- I'm about to make my rounds before I turn in tonight. would you care to accompany me? - thank you, sir

that's Mrs. Rock. was she ever pissed but she's used to it

Wayne was 62 in this movie 3 years older than I was when I died

sometimes violence is the most genuine form of flirtation especially with two gun-totting bare-chested hunks like us

come back with me

we'll start over again. this time it'll be different

it is too late for you and me

boy! it was never this deep or steamy with Doris

it got less amusing as I was getting older and the guys were ... well

- young. - they all are

can I be very candid here?

sure, man, that's why I come to

we've never discussed this but I can see now is the time

you see I've always had the real hope that ...

I'm sorry I understand, Captain, I really do

and I did

more circling with the muscular Jan Michael Vincent

- you're a good junior officer Bubba Wilkes - thank you sir

but as a young man who desires my daughter's hand

you're pitiful. it embarrasses me to watch you

- I don't understand Sir. - you sure don't

but the scrumptious Earl Halliman who plays my son-in-law in "Giant" seems to understand something

I've been watching you pretty close for a lot of years

you're a ranchman and you're smart

long looks punctuated by even longer silences

I guess he's afraid I'm going to put my hand on his knee

you're wondering why I'm talking to you

Bob Dace, look me right in the eye!

it's oh-oh time deep in the heart of Texas

but the sexual tension of course gets deflected

and not because I'm his father-in-law either

in any case, Earl was 28 and I was only 31

more inter-generational cruising. hello son

not bad. and despite my gray hairs I'm only 28 maybe this explains why my performance is an uncomfortable mixture of parental pride and barely concealed lust

you're strong too you've worked hard haven't you son?

well now that there's two of us maybe you'll have time for some fun once in a while

parental concern or brazen innuendo?

sexual come-on or fatherly affection? you tell me

more illuminating were the friendships I had with men

they all smacked of what the French call "amiti�s particuli�res"

in plain English it looked likes guys after each other

take Otto Kruger a pipe smoking cultured gentleman in the European style many years my senior

he's given to wearing foulards and cardigans and talks about art and whatnot

and in many respects he is very much like our director Douglas Sirk

it's a nice place you have here

but Otto in a word cannot keep his hands off me

is this how you wake up yours guests in the morning?

all the signs were there: the handshake held too long is he trying to read my palm?

extensive, unprovoked back-slapping and laying-on of hands

Otto the predator stalking his prey

gotcha

ever hear of pedagogical eros? older man, mentor type younger man, eager near fight willing to learn

that could describe Otto and me in this movie and maybe it's a good description of my relationship with Douglas Sirk

Otto in this film was a definite Sirk-alike and the two of them looked like they were separated at birth

Sirk and I made 9 movies together and under his tutelage I became a star

9 movies? Godard only made 6 1/2 movies with Anna Karina, although John Ford made 13 with John Wayne

but anyway you slice this, we were a team, Sirk was my mentor as Otto was in Magnificent Obsession

assuming there is a power or how do you call it, how do you establish contact?

it's very simple. just be of real service to people find people who need help and help them

I think you might be surprised of what follows after trying this way of life

one of the first men who used it went to the cross at the age of 33

that's a strange thing to say. here's this big strapping hunk sitting next to him on the couch and that's all he can think of?

I was 27 at the time so I didn't take it personally

I just thought of it as the pedagogical part of pedagogical Eros

here's the other part:

the hands-on part

now you're gonna repay that old old debt in a way that you never imagined

another Sirk movie, another mentor, younger this time

what does this look like to you? yeah I thought so too. two handsome guys with the same hairdo dying to kiss each other

but Jack Morrel's not ready, not yet

but remember, nobody's to know who I am, nobody!

not even the two ladies?

they least of all. You don't know women, they'd have to do some crazy impulsive thing

just 'cause we diss dames together doesn't necessarily mean we�re more interested in each other than in women

I mean straight guys do it all the time, right? and nobody suggests that they're fags

but there's also our meek cute first encounter which seemed very similar to scenes from my own life

- jump up, I'm on my way Dublin. - well I might as well trust you

come on up my boy. The Lord is providing. we have a room for the night

and check this out!

I hereby christen you Cpt Lightfoot

we live in a world of fantasmagoria, false forms and false faces, each man wears a mask against his fellows. well have you nothing to say?

I've always lived like that, all gays do, especially in Hollywood with my mask firmly in place - what about your mask?

when he finds out his daughter is interested in me he goes ballistic

what's this fool talk about you and Mike? well he's a boy, fresh from the box. think what you're doing, girl. he's reckless, he's handsome

that he admits to having noticed is yet another sign of progress

- like yourself, Captain. - nonsense, he's a very dangerous proposition

ouch! translation: it would put severe strains on family ties to have someone as cute as Rock as a son-in-law

could I control myself? could you trust him?

the subtext love interest in this one is: good grief, it's big daddy!

first clue: he starts trashing my girlfriend

Mr Girth and Mirth in his bath a formidable sight

through some plot complications he arranges to move in with me

when he finds out my girlfried is going to visit he has a snit fit

I have no intention of getting out or getting married, just calm down

I managed to convince him that he can't be replaced in my affections, but big daddy can't leave me alone for a second

wherever I am, there he is

- see you at dinner. - where are you going?

he begins to think of us as a couple

we were married last night

he can't have any ties for the work that I planned for him. he must be a man alone and I somehow got the feeling that you were

Dr. Jenson, I want you to take Anton back

it just isn't working out, our marriage I mean I don't know what to do

what's going on? another woman?

no, if it were something like that I think that I could cope with it. this is something else

you know what it is, Gena? does it have a name? can you say it aloud?

another older man in my screenlife

- many pretty girls? - enough

oh shut up about dames

it's the legendary director Vittorio de Sica being overly chummy

I reciprocate

but does he ask me to be in his films?

we pretend to cruise girls together isn't that what guys do? oops

he's always pumping me to find out if I'm getting laid I think something else is going on

this is pretty lame compared to the homoerotic overtones in the earlier "Farewell to arms" with soon-to-be-a-major-rightwinger Adolphe Menjou and the young and yummy Gary Cooper

if you want to be a friend of mine, shut up!

I don't want to be your friend - I am your friend. an envious one.

but who is he envious of: me or her?

- are you married? - not yet. - still in love? - yes.

and then there is the diminutive but adorable Brian Forbes who later became a director always complaining, always whining

by the moment they heard Napoleon was making ready to invade they shipped all the beautiful girls back to England

I don't know, Willie. I find plenty of them. Maybe you've been at sea too long

I think I know what he means. I think you know what I mean.

I'm straight as an arrow, Rock Hudson, 6-4 with a jaw of steel and he's always finding fault with women

that's the sidekick's purpose in these crypto homo romances

but the hero loyal to a fault never questions his friendship with or the behavior of the second banana who is usually a jealous nagging harpy

the relationship is like a bad marriage on a sitcom

did you have to go and give her back the gold? now we made the trip for nothing

like no other girl I ever met. - now don't change the subject, the fact is we haven't got the money

what came over you?

we brought her here, she paid us we don't owe her anything

the pity about you Willie, you're a good man but you got no heart

I got a stomach that needs filling at least once a day

come on, forget her he's in love

he met a girl and she told him she had a hard life and she's all alone in the world and you mustn't feel sorry for her

do you think a bullet would shut him up?

will you stop feeling sorry for her and feel sorry for us what have we got so far?

but it wasn't all bickering and growsing, it had moments

untie me

how long you been here?

till last night what did they get you for?

thrust like this: what do you think?

is that all? I thought maybe it was something serious

women come and go but a buddy is forever

you know it's good I got you with here, Willie. otherwise I'd get in a lot of trouble

and then there's Tony Randall who always plays my best fiend

he's such a prancing prissy neurotic nerd, my sexuality is never called into question

here he is suggesting and hoping for a little bit of S&M

you're gonna hit me? you're gonna hurt me?

George, do me

do me? he lays it even more on the line

need a light, cowboy?

when're you heading back to the ranch, Tex?

that's up to you

in all of our movies together Tony manages to find me in various states of undress

he tries to act nonchalant but he really wants to look

finally he does

a stealthy glance that only lasts a millisecond but may have to last for eternity

memorize it, learn it by heart. I understand, Tony, really I do

he can't help it he has to do it again

you blame him? I'm not sure I could resist

that was what they wanted from me in Hollywood and that's what people paid to see

and as long as people were paying

you shouldn't be embarrassed if people see you like that no, you look wonderful without your clothes

if you want my body and you think I'm sexy

is this necessary?

well yes, it was necessary

and it made me a star

and he was gorgeous Rock Hudson me Roy Fitzgerald

you can believe it or not but I never worked out a day in my life

getting back to Tony. Drink your fill, Randall. Nice touch, don't you think? One of my own.

the situation: my wife threw me out of my house in my pyjamas

I go to my next door neighbors that's Tony

I take off my pyjama tops and put on one of his

but I have trouble putting it on

I have trouble with sweaters that way

that's never happened to you

- I'm gonna sleep in the kids' room ok? - that's being painted

I've read the script I don't remember anything about the kids' room being painted

ok Tony have it your way

you'll have to shack up with me

we look like we're ready to go out to a gay bar dressed as lumberjacks

in addition to the beard, the hair is combed forward as opposed to the usual slicked-back look and both of us show more cleavage than is generally permitted

Tony reads his lines which are obviously engraved on my chest

the truth now: do you think I make this stuff up?

in a sense Tony is as much my significant other as Doris is

I usually play an oversexed womanizer and he is if not quite queer probably neuter

a Laertes to my Hamlet you might say

for openers he's deeply bothered by my success with women

girls! what's this obsession you have with girls?

you and your women! I told you sex would get you into trouble

and tries to wing me away from them

we'll go up to Dad's old hunting lodge in Canada and do nothing but relax

George, do me

ok you can stay here tonight you can even have the bed

which side of the bed do you sleep on?

- good God, you got cold feet! - complaints, nothing but complaints I could complain a little too you know

Tony auditioning for the odd couple even before it was written, after 3 movies finally gets his way

in all fairness: Tony had nothing to do with writing these scripts any more than I did

we just did what we were paid to do

of course even then everyone in the industry knew about me because I wasn't shy about my sexlife

and they made me pay for it

they would invent situations and suggest not so delicately either that I was...

well the word wasn't gay then

look at the movies of Burt Lancaster, Kirk Douglas, Monty Clift, Paul Newman, Brando, my contemporaries, were they ever put in the awkward situations I found myself in time and again?

Monty of course was every bit as gay as I was

but I thought I'd be a sport

I'd handle whatever they threw my way

only a fag would object to playing a fag

what would a straight guy have to fear?

so I did what I was told to do

my reward beside the money was that for every now and then I was revealing my true self

although a ridiculous stereotyped version of it

the comedies are all comedies of sexual embarrassement and innuendo

they capitalized on my masculine good looks

because I looked the way I did the thought I could be one of those would never enter anybody's mind

that was the premise: a fag playing a fag is not funny it's obvious

what could you call a fag that he hasn't been called before?

homo, faggot, queer, fairy?

but a straight guy playing a fag is a load of fun

I'm a playboy who shares the partyline with Doris Day

we've never met but we hate each other

have you any idea what it's like to be on a partyline with a sex maniac?

we meet purely by accident I know who she is but she doesn't know it's me

so that's the other end of your partyline!

I've got to seduce her but not as Rock the ladykiller

I pretend to be a sensitive caring guy

you've been a perfect gentleman

and I appreciate it Rex, I really do

but ... she wants somebody nice but not quite that nice

that's when Rock the sex maniac goes into high gear

yes he took me to his hotel room

he showed me Central Park and then we left

- and nothing else? - nothing!

- that's even worse than I thought - worse? what do you mean worse?

must I spell it out?

either you're not telling the truth or ...

well there are some men who just... now they're very devoted to their mothers

you know the type that likes to collect cooking recipes, exchange bits of gossip

what a vicious thing to say!

but on the next day the good Rock performs on cue

it must be very exiting working with all them colors and fabrics

in case someone doesn't get it we go in for a little lily guilding

Doris tries not to think about it but I force her to

ain't these tasty! I wonder if I could get the recipe

I sure would like to surprise Mama when I go back home

the strategy works. by pretending to be a homo I get the ice maiden to throw herself at me

moral of the story for straights: it's easier to score if you pretend to be gay

moral for gays? I'm not sure that there is one unless it's ok to be gay as long as you're straight pretending to be gay

but what if you're a gay actor passing for straight playing the role of a straight pretending to be gay?

it was a hall of mirrors! remember Lady from Shanghai

it was easier if I thought of it as a Shakespearean play where the boys played the womens' parts and then pretend to be girls masquerading as boys

in "Lover Come Back" Doris and I don't know each other but we hate each other

sound familiar? once again there are two Rock Hudsons

since she doesn't know what I look like I pretend to be someone else in order to commit a little industrial espionage

so I'm the relentless woman chaser and his alter ego the quiet awkward homo type who's a virgin

guess which one Doris falls for?

you're so cultured, so refined

so innocent

you're so nice

no, go ahead, say it: innocent

that's what I am

you're a gentleman

thank you Doris for the official Hollywood litany of euphemisms for the word that dared not be uttered,

at least when I was in my height day. more of me doing my shy homo routine to get Doris to seduce me

I taught you dancing, golf, how to swim

what is it you'd like to do now?

I'd like to kiss you

in your apartment? alone with you? all night?

yesterday at the beach you kissed me and I was thrilled

a kiss! what does that prove?

it's like finding out you can light a stove still doesn't make you a cook

you're a kind, sensitive person

but I'm not the kind of man a woman could love!

oh of course you are!

but what's really interesting is the fictive relationship between Dr. Macho Jekyll and Mr Homo Hyde

there they are, the two sides of me on the screen in the same movie

Macho Rock is the one you're supposed to admire because he's such a stud

and Homo Rock of course is a figure of fun

still if I didn't know any better I'd think there was something going on between the two of them

he's everything I'm not and want to be

he's a man of the world he's smooth, he's competent, he's experienced he's a real man

no, I find him very intriguing in a man-to-man sort of way

anyway I've never even seen the kind of places he wants to show me

what do you think he means, Doris?

yeah that's what I thought, too

but the best is yet to come when Doris makes a kamikaze-surprise-visit to the apartment of macho Rock

and finds homo Rock there

Linus! what are you doing here?

where am I?

this is Jerry Webster's apartment! how did you get here?

I thought everyone in the world would draw the obvious conclusions including Doris

but the audiences still didn't get it - not yet

in the last panel of the Rock-Doris-Tony triptych I mistakenly think I'm dying and my main concern ostensibly is my wife's well-being after my death

Judy should get married again but she must marry the right man!

I'll have to find her another husband

another husband! who, George?

the world must be full of eligible bachelors

this is the spunky premise for the plot-sanctioned license to cruise

I've made a list of all the eligible bachelors around here

he's reasonable good looking

not as reasonable as you, George

the plot heats up when someone actually is interested in Doris

sort of figured she'd wind up marrying somebody like Cary Grant

she did! but that's in "That Touch of Mink"

Tony! how many times do I have to ...

did your wife come with you?

I'm not married

not married! at your age?

after you threw me over I certainly couldn't settle for second best

excuse me, please. got to powder my nose. George?

your nose needs a little powder, too

that's right you heard what you thought you heard

so why was everyone so surprised when they learned that I was gay?

meanwhile I become such an ardent champion of Burt even Doris gets suspicious

why don't you ask Burt to dance again? he's a marvelous dancer

have you danced with him?

Doris is getting warmer in a way that's beginning to interest me

he must be a marvelous dancer he does everything so well don't you think?

it's about time to take a good hard look, Doris

and then there is my all time favorite

- just about this big - this big

what can we have been talking about?

does it make a difference?

by now can there be any doubt as to what we were really really talking about?

so good you have to see it twice

but I would be doing the film a grave injustice if I didn't show this clip

assuming the husband goes first and then later on the wife remarries

then assuming the wife goes next and is buried alongside her first husband

well when the second husband goes

is he buried alongside the other two? are they all put in there together?

I rest my case. Speaking of Paul Lind there are a lot of odd creatures floating about in these films, they can be swishy or effeminate, but no one seems to notice or comment on it

since these characters are cartoons their sexuality is never an issue

although they're obviously gay

they're just amusing units

- Leonard, who has a lilac floor in their kitchen? - I have!

well Leonard, everyone isn't as artistic as you are

"artistic" more talking in code

do you know what TR2748 was? my phone number

why is this plain sized salt and pepper butter ball giving me his phone number?

if I told you that in the movie he lives in Greenwich village and is a self described woman-hater

would that explain it?

there is no other woman! we did make arrangements for another man

yes Mr Kimball was very thoughtful. he made provisions for a second husband

it's a very unique idea

it is. Doris, forever unflapable, is grateful that her suspicions that I'm seeing another woman are unfounded

even another man is preferable

and then there is Howard Hawks's "Man's Favorite Sport"

the whole movie is one extended joke trying to force me out of the closet

in a role intended for Cary Grant I play a fishing expert who can't fish

why don't you just fish?

because I happen to hate fish to handle them, to smell them

what do you think we're talking about?

think hard

time's up. fear of fishing and heterosexual panache are strangely intertwined

I'm so glad that you hadn't gone to bed yet because I just couldn't sleep

- what are you doing? - well I'm taking my coat off. - why?

- now take him off there! - you mean every fish I catch I have to - nobody else can. now grab a hold of him and get the hook out of his mouth

Paula Prentiss obligingly gives me lessons in fish-holding

how long do I have to hold this thing?

I don't even like them on a plate

- I just want to ask if you'd like to kiss me? - oh for pete's sake! I haven't got time

I always look at you as a friend even though you can't kiss

she's always trying to get me to kiss her even though she knows my secret

that I hate fish that I can't fish and that I won't fish

basically she urges me to come out of the closet

she wants me to confess I'm gay

I know that you are a phony and you know that you are

if my customers learn the truth I'd lose my job, get thrown right out of my ear

you've got to tell them the truth

I know it'll mean you'll lose your job and your customers and everything but you've got to do that

once you start fooling people you have to go on and keep on fooling them and

she was certainly right about that

no one knew that better than I did

although just at the time I got really sick I was considering doing La Cage aux Folles on stage which would have been my way of coming out

I had to endure a million humiliating situations and I'm made to look like a jerk over and over again

ok maybe that's what comedy is about in a western the hero triumphs in a comedy he's humiliated

but that combined with being kiss-shy, a major fish hater and totally inept in every other way makes me look like a ...

well they all but call me a sissy

why are you camping? anybody sees you here camping... - they'll know you've never been out of a hot-house before

maybe you better take that little red thing that you had up at the camp. can you ride it?

- It just so happens that I can - well you're just full of surprises

when Cary Grant does fey things in Hawks's movies it never reflects on him despite the persistent stories about his relationship with Randolph Scott when the two of them shared a house

maybe it was the number of wives that Cary had that helped dispel those rumors

no one who married that frequently and insistently could possibly be gay

I was only married once though and for a very short time

so the story stuck

luckily I never had to do anything like that! in my films it was all through inference, implication, innuendo

but even if I hated it whatever Hawks wanted me to do I did

- why? you ask? - because my boss wants me to camp

calm it down, Abigail

Abigail?

but the feminization of Rock is a consistent theme. Hawks didn't invent it

only a very manly kind of guy could get away with this sort of thing, right?

I would have thought so, too

he's the last guy in the world I would have figured

if you like me in mink you'll love me as a guy in a delicate condition

and the plot thickens...

I'm not feeling too well

probably just an upset stomach but a fellow can't be too careful

I'm gonna have a baby

but I wasn't just a cream puff I also had my macho moments

before there was Sergio Leone there was Rock Hudson

me machoing it out with Kirk Douglas

in case you're interested: I win

I'm the good guy

and James Dean I enjoyed decking James Dean

I didn't like that son of a bitch

he thought he was acting while I was standing around making sure my hair didn't get messed

in fact I got an Oscar nomination for my role in "Giant"

but my only one

the most fun I ever had playing a guy-kind-of-guy was when I knocked John Wayne flat on his ass

even though it was only a movie it seemed like a triumph of my people over his people

however momentary

even though I was plenty masculine part of my appeal was that I was also very vulnerable

a fainting violet that needed to be taken care of

usually by an older woman

look, I haven't got a temperature

it's absolutely immaterial to me. Mr Merrick but I'm going to take your temperature one way or another

it's gonna take time to recover. but I knew that because I had played a doctor even more often than I had played a patient

Will, with one line of dialogue in the film, is young dream-bo Clint Eastwood

scrubbing down gave me another opportunity to display my star quality

and then when it began and nothing could stop it nothing I had learned as a screen doctor was of any use

trouble?

the trouble was people were beginning to notice

what's the matter with you? you look terrible

- did you get vaccinated? - no

- I've had all my shots. - oh no, not for plague, you haven't

plague?

if it were 19th century novel or play you probably call it foreshadowing

there were situations in some films that I would remember when I was sick and think: how ironic

but at the time they were just the lines that had to be learned

for example: I look upon Brad Allen like any other disease

I've had him, it's over, I'm immune to him.

it didn't sound so cruel back then in the sixties before people knew they had immune systems

but there were plenty of other scenes to mull over

check up? but you just had one two weeks ago

in two weeks your body will turn on you, just like that

- what did you see? - the beginning of a lesion, discoloration, softness of tissue - that could have been anything

you can just sit there and laugh about it if you want to, meanwhile men my age are dropping like flies

And I was gonna be one of them. I just knew, that's all

- why is it that every time you hear somebody has something you think you have it too? - no, I knew

I was losing weight and I had no strength

I pretended it was anorexia and that an old heart condition was acting up

the last thing in the world I wanted was for people to find out I had aids

but I was sick alright

I am not a hypochondriac

how much time do you figure he's got, doctor? few weeks ?

hilarious

even funnier is me and Doris discussing my approaching death

Judy, I think it's useless, this trip to the clinic

it will be so costly

I'd just lie there and linger

one of the most expensive things you can do these days is to linger

a novel approach to convalescence and health care

an approach I'm sure shared by my friend Ronald Reagan

when I say friend I mean we were both actors and I had a couple of on-screen affairs with Jane Wyman, his ex-wife

so I guess that made us boyfriends-in-law

his aids policy made me wonder why I had been a republican all those years

but I was glad that my death, if nothing else, gave him an excuse to talk about aids publicly for the first time

even though it was because I was famous

- the pain hasn't started yet - a good thing to know

strange the way you're facing a great adventure

changes all your moral values

how, George ? - I didn't know either, it was hardly a great adventure

as for moral values... well

I don't know which was harder, facing death or knowing that one moment I was a legendary movie star

and the next I'd be a dead fag

in a split second I'd lose my life and my reputation and I resented being the most famous person to die of aids so far

thousands had died before me. did anyone pay attention to their pain, their suffering, their anger?

but suddenly the eyes of the world were focused on me

is my life more important than theirs?

is that one of the prerogatives of fame? maybe it is

thinking about it later I was glad that my death could serve some purpose, however small

at least people would know that even famous people get aids

and even more importantly that the icons they love can also be queer

but unlike the roles I played in some movies I was no hero

as for death: the only way I could imagine it was by drawing on images from my movies

I was hoping it would be clean and beautiful

a single bullet something fast

maybe from James Stewart's rifle

a movie bullet that doesn't even pierce the skin

that's the way it would have been if my life had been the movie of my choice

but that's not the way it happened

don't be afraid

think of life as a shadowy place crowded with people

wait a minute! what's happening?

think also of the door just beyond

what's happening to me now?

when that door opens

we pass through into a wonderful brightness

and he said thou can'st not see my face

for no man can see me and live

that's all there is

just a gentle step from darkness to light

at sunwake we eyes in the storm...

from darkness to light

you were a great star, Mr Hudson one of the biggest

sorry it all had to end like this

and a wind came from the wilderness

and it carried me where man can never reach alone

maybe it's not true to say there will never be faces like this again

but they won't be treated with such loving attention, respect, and yes, gratitude

as if they were gifts from the gods

I would be young and beautiful forever

frozen by a machine that captures the soul

as well as your youth

when I was a kid I wished that time would stand still so that I could be old enough to be on the screen with John Hall as he was then.