Original subtitles

It's the Johnny Karate Super Awesome

Musical Explosion Show!

Now, to introduce your host, Johnny Karate,

here is me, Perd Hapley!

Silence!

Welcome to the only show that's all about learning,

music, animals, fireworks, water-skis,

and above all,

ice cream, pizza, ninjas, getting stronger,

sharks versus bears,

and above all, karate!

Now, why don't you kids

help me sing the welcome song?

Let me just grab my guitar.

Someone has stolen my guitar.

This seems like a case for Special Agent...

Burt Macklin.

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I don't give a crap, Batman. You work for me.

Increase the perimeter!

Macklin, the President's called six times.

If we don't get that guitar back,

the peace in Iraq will be canceled.

Get off my back, Chief!

I'm doing the best I can.

I don't play by the rules,

but I get results.

Dang it. You're right again, Macklin.

And I'm sorry. You're the best agent I've seen.

And I've worked with James Bond.

This clue may help.

Mmm. It was left at the crime scene.

You're dismissed.

This case just keeps getting deeper and deeper.

I'm drowning in the adult end of the pool,

and the lifeguard's off in the bathroom pooping.

That's good, right?

Johnny Karate's guitar has been stolen.

That instrument is worth literally $900 million.

But more importantly,

he can't play the goodbye song without it.

So by the time this show is over I will find who stole it,

and they will pay the ultimate price.

A one-way ticket to the Funky Monkey Dunk Tank!

All that and more

on the Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show!

It's time to punch boredom in its stupid face

Jump, kick, punch and drop

And drop-kick sadness into outer space

Punch, yeah, till you drop

It's the Johnny Karate Super Awesome

Musical Explosion Show

So, karate masters,

you are here for an extra awesome

and super special episode of Johnny Karate.

And that is because it's my final show.

Aw.

Don't look glum.

In a couple of weeks, I'll be moving

to Washington, D.C.

It's the capital of the entire world.

They have things there like this white house,

and this mental institution.

And my very favorite,

the Lincoln Memorial.

It's this crazy statue

of this giant monster sitting on a chair

that represents all of America's enemies.

I'll be moving to Washington D.C.

Because my wife, April Ludgate-Karate-Dwyer,

has accepted an amazing job there.

I'm very proud of her and totally in love.

April!

Why don't you come on out and talk to the children?

Take a bow for being so cool.

Hey, Johnny!

So since it's your final show

I wanted to do one last extra special

April's Animal Corner.

That's right.

This week I brought one of the scariest,

weirdest animals in the whole world,

Ah... Now the name "Goliath" means "giant."

And you can see that...

Andy, where is it? What? Uh-oh.

Where is it? Don't look at me.

I don't know what happened. I took it out

to play hide and seek.

I couldn't find it. And...

Oh. That's what happened.

Okay. Well, once again,

April's Animal Corner

has turned into one of our favorite segments.

Yay!

And as always, when we accidentally

end up doing Loose Animal in the Studio,

we have to show you this disclaimer.

Boring.

Here's a disclaimer. I didn't read this disclaimer.

Ooh. Good point.

Okay. Done.

Okay, kids. So be on the lookout for a... What's it called?

A Goliath bird-eating tarantula.

Known locally to Venezuelans

as "The Devil's Fist."

Bye, kids.

Okay, kids, well, we've got a lot of work to do

performing the Five Karate Moves to Success.

Sing it with me!

Today we're going to...

And then we'll try something new

Oh!

And finally we'll have some fun

Because that's the Johnny Karate way

Step one, let's go make something.

Hello, Carpenter Ron. How are you doing?

My contract is very specific.

I do not have to answer that question.

This week, I am making a shadowbox frame,

which can be used to display

an object of great value.

This one is constructed with American cherry wood.

Cherry, huh? Now, I have just one question.

No. The wood does not taste like cherry. You cannot eat it.

I was not going to eat it, Carpenter Ron.

I was going to lick it.

Always remember, kids,

when you find something new,

you must lick it before you eat it.

That is incorrect, in a number of ways.

I sure have had some fun

making things with you, son.

Thank you for everything you've done

for the children of this area.

You're welcome, Carpenter Ron. Hey, kids.

This, to me, seems like a...

You are mistaken. Remove the graphic.

Well, kids, it's time

for our next karate move to success.

Let's learn something.

Hello, Professor Smartbrain! Hi, Johnny.

Uh, listen, I don't know if you got my email,

but I thought since this is our final show,

maybe we not use the...

Boring Buzzer.

Okay, kids. Today we're going to learn about geography.

Now, you, Johnny, are moving to Washington, D.C.

I thought what we could talk about

is how fast you could get there

using an airplane,

a train or a car.

Now as you can see,

the airplane is the fastest.

Not the fastest. What about teleporting?

Well, sure. That would be really fun,

but it's impossible.

Nothing is impossible, kids.

Teleportation is impossible.

It's about theoretical physics.

You asked me to do this.

This was a favor...

Morning, Johnny! Mail call!

Hi, Mailman Barry!

Who brought me mail today?

Well, Johnny, you got over 500 letters,

from kids who love you, asking for you and April to stay.

Aw. Babe, did you hear that?

Now, Johnny,

you also got one very special letter.

It's from me.

And on the last day of your show,

I thought I could read it to you.

Aw.

"Dearest Andy,

"I've never had a son of my own,

"and I just want you to know that for the past 10 years..."

It's time to karate chop something!

Ninjas, attack!

Ah, jeez.

Disperse!

Remember, never attack a real postal employee.

We're allowed to attack Mailman Barry

because he volunteered to help us

with our karate moves.

I kind of thought I'd be holding a piece of wood or something.

But, you know, always happy to help.

Next up, we're going to try something new

with my good friend Leslie Knope.

Hey, Johnny Karate!

I'm so happy to be here on your last show ever.

Hi, Leslie. I'm glad you're here

to teach us all how to be brave.

So, Leslie, what are you going to be trying new this week?

I am going to be taking over

hosting my friend's TV show. Huh?

Isn't that right, April?

That is right.

Johnny, you have made so many kids

and so many parents so happy

that we wanted to give you a proper sendoff.

Andy Dwyer/Johnny Karate,

this is your life!

Oh, my gosh. Leslie, this is amazing.

I don't know what to say.

Literally, because normally I have a script that I have to stick to.

But I don't know what I'm supposed to say right now.

It's kind of a nightmare.

Okay. You leave that to us, Johnny.

Uh, when we come back, we will take a look

at the journey of Andy Dwyer.

Stay tuned.

"Now listen to some words from our sponsors"

are the words I'm saying right now.

Hire Very Good Building Company

for your construction needs.

Or do not. I am not a beggar.

End of commercial.

The Wamapoke people have a saying,

"Only one who listens hears the cry of the wolf."

That advice has been passed down

from generation to generation.

Today, I give that advice to you.

Listen for Coinsy the Wolf

at Wamapoke Casino.

Twice a day, one lucky visitor will hit

the mega-wolfjackpot,

and Coinsy will howl for you.

The thing we return to now is

my Johnny Karate Show return message.

Welcome back.

When I first met the man standing next to me,

he was not a cultural phenomenon.

"Phenomenon" means "to explore a cave."

He was going through a tough time.

He had just broken both legs

from falling into a pit.

I was super wasted.

It's a kid's show, Andy. Yes. Good call.

Kid's show. Good call.

That event set in motion

many wonderful things in my life,

including the building of the Pawnee Commons.

So, in a weird way, Andy,

I owe it all to you.

And now that the show is ending,

I'm gonna have to start all over again.

Hopefully there's a pit in Washington D.C.

That I could fall into.

Andy pulled his life together

and he got himself a job

at the shoeshine stand in City Hall.

He then became a bureaucratic assistant.

Hi, honey. Hey, hi.

He was always enthusiastic,

but he also kept track of his appointments

by writing them on his arm.

Still do!

To commemorate that time

and to make sure that you never miss another appointment again,

we have brought you

a monogrammed day planner.

Guys, that's so sweet. Aw.

Thank you.

Aw.

Oh, no, I lost it.

The day planner's gone. I can't find it anywhere.

What?

Fitting, really.

From then, Andy went to England

for a few months to work for a non-profit.

It was there that he befriended

the 14th Earl of Cornwall-upon-Thames,

Sir Edgar Covington.

Ta-da!

Oh, my God, Eddie! This is amazing!

Andy, I am here in this weird, flat place,

to name you a loyal and true

karate defender of the Queen's Realm.

Please get down on one knee.

This honor is bestowed on those

who have shown great achievement

in the fields of the arts, learning,

literature and science.

Therefore, I hereby dub thee

a knight of the Order of the British Empire.

Hang on. Can you actually do this?

Well, technically, only the Queen can knight somebody,

but I'm so rich that she lets me do what I want.

Would you like to be knighted?

Oh. No, no, no. Of course not. It's Andy's day.

Dude, I don't mind.

Oh! Then, yes, knight me, please.

Oh, my God, this is amazing.

Winter is coming for Ser Ben Lightstorm.

Okay, you're both knights. Cool.

Guys, this was so much fun.

Friend, co-worker, musician,

husband Andy Dwyer...

Sir Andy Dwyer. Sir Andy Dwyer

had become so many things to so many people.

But his greatest creation was yet to come.

A salute to Johnny Karate when we come back!

We know what you want.

Healthy, natural food that still tastes great.

And we're here to tell you...

Healthy food is for suckers.

It tastes like garbage and if you say you like it,

you're a chump and a liar.

Be honest.

This is what you want to eat.

It tastes amazing.

What's in it?

How many calories?

It's awesome.

One of Andy's greatest achievements

was the success of his band, Mouse Rat.

No one was doing what we were doing.

Well, that's not really true.

We were basically playing covers of

Dave Matthews songs.

So I guess you could say

Dave Matthews was doing what we were doing.

To play in a band like Mouse Rat

that brought such joy to so many...

Truly was a mitzvah.

I should mention, I'm a rabbi now.

For the full rockumentary, go to...

And now, back to the show.

Every hero struggles with failure,

faces something they cannot do.

Andy faced one of those moments just a few years ago.

I would've chugged that entire gallon of milk,

had I not started puking out of nowhere.

No, you did not achieve your dream

of becoming a Pawnee police officer.

Oh. Right. But you did create Burt Macklin,

a character who exemplifies everything

that is great about law enforcement.

Take a look.

My name is Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin.

I don't know what the problem is, Sergeant.

Just drain the ocean.

Andy,

on behalf of the entire

Pawnee Police Department,

I'd like to present you with this genuine

Pawnee police badge. Wow!

It's ensconced forever in the shadowbox we made earlier.

How about that? No!

Son, we spent four days making that.

This means so, so much to me.

I'm a cop!

I should get some handcuffs too! Give me your cuffs, Randy.

No, no. It's an honorary title.

Stand down, sir. Quit it!

Andy, now that you are an official police officer...

He's not. I want to make it clear, he's not.

You should be able to solve the case of the missing guitar.

So, grab your clue

and head on over to Professor Smartbrain.

Professor Smartbrain,

this piece of fabric was found at the scene.

Look at it under your telescope.

Hmm. It looks like there are some tiny initials.

"J. C?"

President Jimmy Carter stole my guitar?

But why?

I don't think it's Jimmy Carter, buddy.

The champ is here!

Hi, kids. Is everybody having a great time?

I know I am!

John Cena in the house!

John Cena, you're my hero!

Wait. You're Andy. Yeah. I'm Andy.

From the information I got

I just assumed you'd be like 10 years old.

Thank you. That's... Okay, great.

Thank you. Thank you so much, man,

For bringing martial arts and music

to all the children.

Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing, man?

Gotcha! Got me? Wait. What?

He got my cuffs. Wait. What the hell is this? Oh!

John Cena, you're a great inspiration, a true hero,

and this is the greatest moment of my life.

But you're going down.

Going down? What are you doing... Whoa!

Stop! You stole Johnny Karate's guitar.

I didn't steal his guitar, man.

I'm just doing this as a favor.

You're going in the dunk tank, bud.

I don't wanna go in the dunk tank. Shut up.

Is anybody in charge?

Uh, a little help?

And now it's time to celebrate Andy Dwyer's greatest creation,

Johnny Karate.

He has brought so much happiness

to so many children in southern Indiana

that we thought a piece of Johnny Karate

should stay here in Pawnee.

Everybody was kung fu fighting

Raise it up!

Those cats were fast as lightning

This is awesome.

Can you believe it, babe?

In fact it was a little bit frightening

That karate gi will stay here forever.

Well, not here, here, because this studio actually has a show

where divorced couples work out their problems,

so that might be weird if that thing was hanging over them.

But it'll be somewhere. And the spirit will stay with us.

Forever.

Andy Dwyer's final goodbye, when we come back.

What powers us?

What gives us the tools to attain our goals,

face our fears, take that next step into the unknown?

It's energy.

Verizon, Exxon and Chipotle are proud to announce

a cross-platform merger of our three great brands.

Whether it's extending your 6G coverage,

drilling natural gas out of shale

or perfecting the chicken quesadilla,

we will give you the energy to get you to the next level.

And with enough energy, America,

nothing can stop us.

The all-new Verizon-Chipotle-Exxon.

I'd like to begin by saying thank you

to anyone who has ever worked

on the Johnny Karate Musical Explosion Show.

This has been the greatest job I've ever had,

and today has been the best day of my life.

And that's saying something.

I once found a rock that looked exactly like Santa Claus.

Hat and everything, so...

Before I say goodbye, let's review our checklist

one last time.

We made something with Carpenter Ron.

We learned something with Professor Smartbrain.

We karate-chopped something, old Mailman Barry's face.

And we tried something new,

even though it was scary to us, with Leslie Knope.

That leaves just one more thing.

The most important one.

And I think I know right now who needs it the most.

My wife, April Ludgate-Karate-Dwyer.

Honey, come on out here.

Come here.

Babe.

Hey. Babe?

Wait!

Honey, where are you going? Babe.

Hey. Where are you...

Hey, come here.

April, what's going on?

It's...

Every week this show is an amazing train wreck,

and you love doing it, and you're the best host.

Like, even better than my all-time favorite host,

Tom Snyder, which is crazy.

And all those kids love you,

and you're doing what you're meant to do.

And I can't be the person

that makes you lose what you love.

Yeah, but you're what I love.

You're the only reason I have any of this.

You believed in me,

and you supported me,

and you make me happy.

Happier than I ever thought I could be.

All right, without you, I wouldn't be anything.

You're what keeps me going.

You're my Verizon-Chipotle-Exxon.

As long as I'm with you, I'm going to be happy.

So we go to Washington D.C.

And then we figure out the next cool and awesome thing from there.

Okay?

Okay.

Well, that was a very good Being Nice To Someone.

I did it.

Now I can go finish the show.

Well, it's time for us to go

But I want you to all to know

That karate's not about fighting

It's about knowing who you are

And being kind and honest

While you're kicking for the stars

Yeah, that's the Johnny Karate way

Keep karate in your heart

And aspire to your dreams

And always remember you're forever on my team

Yeah, that's the Johnny Karate way

Karate yell!

Hiya!

Goodbye, Pawnee! I will miss you.

Guys? Guys? Guys!

Tarantula!

Could somebody get me outta here? Please?

I'll help you, John Cena.

No.

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