Original subtitles

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Pawnee Bicentennial Scavenger Hunt.

Get ready for a full day of hunting, maybe even days! Plural!

Enough talking.

Clues. Please and thank you.

Leslie warned me that Ron was a master puzzle solver.

So, I have outdone myself.

This is the Lady Gaga of scavenger hunts.

A complete work of genius wrapped up in a disorienting mix

of confusing cultural red herrings.

The treasure is buried beneath the south-western most bench in Ramside Park.

How could you have possibly figured that out already?

Once I determined the cryptex was a false lead,

I realized the hidden clues on the scrolls could be solved

within complete columnar transposition.

The transposed words often numerically link to numbers,

the sequence of which suggested latitude and longitude.

Then, it was simply a matter of accessing my mental sexton.

I'm shocked.

I ran this hunt plan by the Indiana Puzzlers' Guild

and they gave it five out of five Sherlock pipes.

Keep it. And don't feel bad.

It's my curse.

Ripped By mstoll

We need to go over the schedule

leading up to the primary. Let's talk shop.

Ooh, shop talk. One of my five favorite types of talk,

along with pillow, girl, real, and TED.

Why are you wearing a poncho?

Oh, because every surface area

in your house is sticky.

Last time I was here, I found a melted crayon on my blazer.

Okay. I have a photo op with Gryzzl tomorrow.

Between now and then we have a ton of stuff scheduled.

Looks like we're gonna have to skip the pie baking event

and the ceremonial squash toss.

Oh, really? We have to skip that?

I love watching those squashes fly through the air.

I kind of like the way they land.

Me, too.

Okay, excuse me, but I have to get back to a city,

where things happen.

Okay. This campaign is about to start in earnest.

Things are about to get real intense. You ready?

I already made my pump up mix.

There's a surprising amount of Pat Benatar. Nice.

I was talking to Leslie.

Me, Leslie? Yeah.

Well, I was an actual candidate, so I think

I can handle being a candidate's wife.

I know all the issues inside and out.

Mmm, see, that's the problem.

If you were just a ding-dong, I would just slap a flag pin on you,

and pour some Valium down your throat.

Everything would be fine.

It's the smarties that freak people out.

I think you're underestimating the voters.

I don't think that is possible.

Being the wife-of is a minefield.

Right, Ben?

You know, why don't you think of it like sex freshman year of college?

You just want to get through it as fast as possible without embarrassing yourself.

I'm using that as an analogy to help you out

because I'm assuming you were a late bloomer.

Not me. I crushed it from day one.

Stephen, be careful!

Poncho!

I know you normally hate foundations,

but this one I think you'll actually like.

We take people that don't know what they wanna do

and then put them to work doing cool stuff all over the world.

And I start in a couple months.

Well, I had hoped you'd choose

a more dignified trade

like masonry or logging.

But you are out of local government,

and that's a step in the right direction.

It's definitely the job I wanted.

But it means that we have to move to Washington.

Well.

Then bully for you.

If you intend to move, I suppose you should return

the spare key to my house.

The one I gave you years ago

when you were my assistant, for emergencies.

Okay.

Good talk.

This neighborhood has been mostly abandoned for years.

But now, thanks to the new Gryzzl headquarters,

this district will soon transform

into a hub of innovation for decades to come.

Mister Wyatt.

Uh... Yes, I'm taking questions. Yeah, what is it, Dad?

Your campaign released a schedule.

And it looks like your wife is skipping the Pie Mary.

Care to explain?

The Pie Mary is a Southern Indiana tradition,

where Congressional candidates' wives

face off in a pie-baking contest.

The last contest's winner was June Hartwell's buttermilk meringue.

Last contest's loser was all women.

Leslie would be the first candidate's wife not to enter the Pie Mary.

What kind of a statement are you making by skipping it?

We're... I'm not making any kind of statement.

We're just focusing on bigger issues,

like Ben's $150 million revitalization project.

Pardon me. I need to get through. Pardon me. Excuse me.

Mike Patterson here.

Leslie, you made it pretty clear

that you don't think homemaking is important.

Do you ever cook for your children?

And who's even watching your children right now

while you're out God only knows where?

What are you talking about? I'm standing right here in front of you.

Okay, take it easy. Let's not get emotional.

Okay, we have to run.

We'll see you all at my economic address.

Thanks for coming, everybody.

What other traditions are you against, Leslie?

Baseball? Hugging your children?

How much did that haircut cost?

None of your business. And thank you for noticing.

My desk was right here.

Sitting right on top of it this whole time.

How much money is it? It's not money.

I told you. It's Ron's key.

I hid it in here years ago.

Hey! Yeah. No. No key.

Just a note and a movie ticket stub and four teeth.

"If you are looking for Ron's key, I moved it,

"and you'll never find it. Cordially, April."

Where'd you put it then?

I don't know. It was eight years ago.

Oh, God. A key to Ron's house

is lost in a government building.

It's his worst nightmare. Listen, babe.

All we gotta do is train Champion

to sniff out Ron's key.

Okay. All we need is Ron's key

to give him a scent.

So give me the key

and I'll get you that key.

Welcome back to the program. My guest is June Hartwell,

wife of incumbent Congressman Paul Hartwell.

Now, June, we all know

what Ben Wyatt's wife is really saying.

By skipping the Pie Mary, she's saying,

"Women who love their families are stupid."

Mike, we all make certain choices.

Ms. Knope chose to try to have it all.

I chose to put my family first.

Oh, I'm just speculating here, but do you think that

Leslie Knope's actions indicate

that she actually hates her family?

Well, it only took three hours for Jen to be right.

I'm officially a distraction.

I'm gonna enter that Pie Mary.

This is just nonsense, it'll blow over.

And the Pie Mary is ridiculous and antiquated.

But the more they talk about this,

the less they're gonna talk about your economic plan.

Besides, I'm good at making pies,

so I'll win and then I can promote

my self-published women's rights barbecue cookbook

The Feminine Mesquite.

Everything's fine.

Except you're gonna need to get a new calculator

'cause I crushed this one in a blind rage while I was watching the show.

Keep looking. It's a small, brown box where I used to hide things.

It had an eagle on the top of it.

I found this one, but it has a falcon on the top.

I'll keep looking. No, that's it! That's it, Andy!

Eagle, falcon, whatever. Not whatever.

Eagles are more robust, have stronger talents.

Didn't go to Bird School much?

Okay, let's see.

Garry's wedding ring, Tom's watch, Kyle's car keys...

What the heck?

Wait, wait. I lost that wedding ring down the sewer grate six years ago.

I know. And I fished it out, so I can put it on my voodoo doll.

It's not in there. I have to run away.

That's it.

Garry, goodbye. We're disappearing forever.

You're a nice man and I'm sorry for everything I did to you.

Goodbye. Babe, no. Listen.

We could easily go that route.

Initiate Ghost Protocol.

We switch faces, we burn our fingertips off with acid,

we live in the tunnels beneath the Kremlin. We could do that easily.

But this is not that big of a deal.

Just be honest. Tell him you lost his key. Come on.

Garry, I take everything back. I hate you.

I can't believe after all these years...

Jeez.

I had it in a safe place, and then I moved it

to protect it, and I don't remember where.

I see.

Don't be mad, Ron.

She hid it too good,

and she left a string of clues.

It's an impossible puzzle.

And I love puzzles.

A minimal, unhelpful note...

These appear to be human teeth.

- And what is this? - New Moon?

It's a movie, but I've never seen it.

It's, like, about lame werewolves and vampires and stuff.

Donna likes those things.

Dollars to donuts this points us her way.

Finally, a scavenger hunt worthy of my time.

Onward!

Okay, snacks given, kids tucked in, books read,

three simultaneous meltdowns for no reason,

kids tucked back in, one of them briefly got outside somehow,

kids back in bed, they're all napping. Good.

I got everything you need for pie domination.

I even got an extra whipped cream can,

one for baking, one for directly into mouth.

You know me so well.

That might be one of the kids.

Hi, Leslie.

Elise Yarktin, from the Indiana Organization of Women.

Oh, my goodness, Elise.

Please, come in.

Wait. Are you here to give me

the Woman of the Year award?

I have a speech prepared. Would you like to see it?

Right now? No.

Leslie, we were thrilled to find out

you were boycotting that ridiculous Pie Mary.

But we just got word you've decided to enter?

Yeah, well, I agree that it's dumb.

But this is not about me, it's about Ben,

and he will do more for women than Hartwell.

So, you know, lose a battle, win the war.

That kind of thing. It's the way to go.

So, the way to go is to set women back decades.

Look. The Pie Mary is retrogressive and misogynistic,

and if you participate, we will have no choice

but to protest you and Ben at the event.

Hope you like pies...

In your face.

Metaphorically. We'll be civil.

Elise. There is no bigger defender

of gender equality than Leslie Knope.

And my husband, Ben, is a progressive champion of women's rights.

Babe, the oven's ready.

Chop-chop, time to get bakin'.

Daddy want pie.

Hi, Ben Wyatt.

We have a wonderfully small number of clues.

One is this ticket.

Did you see this movie about vampires and such?

New Moon? Yeah, I saw it with April.

She was so hopped up on painkillers

from getting her wisdom teeth out,

I convinced her to see it with me.

The teeth. They're yours.

You were super out of it.

You kept yelling "Team Voldemort!"

At the screen and we were kicked out.

I was furious.

You only get to see the second Twilight film for the seventh time once.

Do you remember anything about a key?

Or April doing anything unusual that day?

She did make us stop by the shoeshine stand before we left

because she wanted to drop something off for Andy.

She had a real bad crush on him.

Oh!

Babe. You had a crush on me.

That's embarrassing.

We're married. Still.

To the shoeshine stand!

- Ooh! Chase me. - Stop.

Garry? What the hell are you doing?

Oh, gosh.

Well, I dropped my wedding ring down this grate,

and then I was trying to get it out

and I dropped my keys down there too,

so I can't leave.

But you know what? The light from the phone. I can see it.

I just...

Oh!

Dang it!

My Jitterbug.

Damn, this takes me back.

Mind if I stay and watch?

Not at all. I appreciate the company.

Oh! You know how I can get the ring out?

I will use my driver's license and my only credit card like chopsticks.

Garry, don't...

Mmm.

Nuts.

Never fear. I still have my passport.

Wait, let me see your stamps.

The IOW does not mess around.

Which normally is why I love them,

but now I'm on the other side.

Oh, my God, Ben, I gave them $100 in their annual pledge.

Do you know how many anti-me signs that could buy?

Or even banners.

You just don't do the pie contest, obviously.

Then we're just back where we started.

Then it just seems like I'm saying

I'm better than the women who bake.

What should we do? Should we get a divorce?

Well, how about this?

What if I register for the contest?

I bake the pie. I act as my own wife.

Oh, that could work.

We sidestep the controversy,

we refocus the campaign

onto the actual candidate.

And then we flip the antiquated tradition right on its head.

Exactly.

But more importantly, we change the idea

of what a pie is.

I feel like that's not more important,

but I like the energy that we have, so let's hear it.

Okay, picture this... Crust on the bottom. Filling. Crust on top.

What am I describing?

A pie. No.

But you're in the right "zone." Oh.

Calzone! Sure!

Pies are just sweet calzones, honey.

And I'm good at making calzones.

You're amazing.

I can win this thing.

Of course you can, baby.

Get in there and start baking.

Talking 'bout the highway to the calzone zone

I'm having some serious d�j� vu.

How many times have you lost your wedding ring?

Too many times to count.

And it causes real trouble with Gayle.

And any time I lose my ring,

she turns into a real grumpy goose.

Is that so? Oh, yeah.

She'll say, you know, "Garry, you'd lose your head

"if it wasn't screwed on tight."

And then she makes me go for the fresh oranges for the morning OJ.

And she says, "Hey, Mr. Forgetful."

I mean, those words...

They rattle around here for hours.

That's why I've gotta be extra careful

with this replacement ring,

because if I lost...

I'm gonna order us some dinner.

The shoeshine stand is gone.

Or maybe it was never here.

They must have moved it during the remodel.

It's probably in basement storage.

To the basement!

Tighter. You sure, dude?

Yeah, dude. Tighter. I can do it.

Do what, exactly?

Nothing. We're not doing anything.

And we definitely do not live down here now.

Guys, where's the old shoeshine stand from upstairs?

We don't know anything about that.

Boys, think.

We are on a quest and we are not leaving until we get an answer.

Well, we're on our own quest,

which is to squeeze this just tight enough

to make my eyes bulge out a little bit,

but not so tight that I die.

I've been there. That's a real tightrope walk.

Oh!

Hey! Last week this real scary ghost

came down here looking for it.

It had black hair, but you could see through his skin.

And it wouldn't talk to me. It would only talk to Harris.

No, dude. That was just that bonk's dream that I had.

How are we gonna have the same dream, dude?

'Cause we're best friends. I love you, dawg. Man, I love you!

We're dreaming together

We're sleeping together But not like that

Can you tell us anything else about this ghost?

It didn't like me, but that's just 'cause

I got a soul of a Ghostbuster.

Yeah, it said something about how

it was worried Brett was gonna mug it.

Okay. So we're looking for a racist ghost

with black hair who likes shoeshines.

I think I have the answer.

The chase continues!

Okay, wait. At the time that you told us

you were mugged in the park,

what were you reaching for in the river?

A burrito. That's right.

You fell in the river reaching for a burrito.

Yes, ma'am. That was not one of my finer moments.

Ooh. It's getting late. We need to bounce.

I can give you a ride. Oh, thank you, Donna.

Probably gonna get an earful

when I get home tonight.

Gayle might even call me the B-word.

"Bozo."

Wow.

We are very different people.

This is my pecan pie recipe.

Straight from my Mema's kitchen.

Mema was no Leslie Knope.

She didn't have a PhD, but she sure knew a lot about P-l-E.

Did you hear back from Elise?

Oh, yeah. We're good.

The IOW is not gonna protest us.

How's your pie?

I don't know. I didn't make a pie.

Okay. How is your dessert calzone?

It's ready.

The question is, are they?

All right, our next contestant

Is candidate Ben Wyatt's wife, Leslie.

Let's see what Mrs. Wyatt

has baked up for us, shall we?

It's actually Ms. Knope.

And actually, right now it's Mr. Wyatt.

Leslie has her own busy life

and I happen to be an excellent pie maker,

so we figured we'd switch it up a bit.

Now, pack your suitcases,

because we're going to a little town

Called Napoli...

In Italy.

Free Ben Wyatt! Free Ben Wyatt! Free Ben Wyatt!

Excuse me, free me from what?

From the tyranny of women.

We are the Male Men.

We are a men's rights activist group,

and we are fed up.

I'm sorry. What's happening now?

Behind every successful woman

is a man she has oppressed.

First Leslie Knope poaches her husband's campaign

by making it all about her.

Now she's forcing him to bake pies

and enter a contest for her?

Excuse me! I'm not forcing him to do anything!

He loves to cook.

Yeah. He has five personalized aprons.

Oh. So I guess he was asking for it

because of the way he was dressed?

We are sick and tired

of this feminized society.

Men have had a very rough go of it, for...

Just recently.

And it ends now.

Male and proud!

Male and proud! Male and proud!

We can all agree that no one likes Leslie Knope.

But the question is, "Why?"

Marcia Langman.

Leslie Knope exemplifies

the feminist attack on our values.

She could learn a little something

about traditional family structure

from me and my husband, Marshall.

Um. Fierce alert. Eat 'em up, honey.

The idea that feminism is an attack on family values is absurd.

Ooh. So you're defending Leslie Knope?

No. Absolutely not.

Frankly, I don't think she's done enough

to distance herself from this misogynistic lunacy.

Let's turn now to Sasha Dunkirk.

She is head of the group Women Against Feminism.

What a surprise.

The woman is only talking to other women.

Can we have one conversation

about feminism where men get to be in charge?

I actually agree with him.

I don't need your pity.

Joan, Leslie Knope and I are united

Oh. In our disgust of this week's events.

Leslie, if you're watching,

I, Brandi Maxxxx,

star of 69 Jump Street and Fifty Shaved Old Gays,

have your back.

Oof. You really stepped in it this time, Knope.

Told ya. Being a candidate's wife is a tough gig.

This is crazy.

Why isn't the other candidate's wife being scrutinized like this?

Because June Hartwell is a lukewarm bowl of nothing.

She started an awareness campaign called "Bring a Sweater."

She calls it "goose bump prevention."

Okay, you know what? We can fix this.

Ben and I will just schedule some appearances together,

and we'll create a new group.

Feminists and pie makers united for equality

despite our philosophies on equal rights and crust flakiness.

Okay, you could do that, and this could drag on for another three weeks.

Come on, you guys, you know the drill.

Just ignore the fact that you're right,

put on your blandest outfit...

So that one, hopefully, and then just go out there

and publicly apologize. Done.

What? Apologize for what?

Doesn't matter. Just say you're sorry.

It's like taking a shot of tequila.

You just gotta force it down,

suddenly the world feels so much more pleasant.

I do three shots every time I have to enter this house.

Donna. What are you doing here so early?

I come bearing gifts.

First off, I got a dude in maintenance

to open up that grate this morning.

So here's your rings, keys, credit cards,

and I found some heart medicine I assume is yours?

Yeah, no. That's mine. That's mine. Oh, my gosh.

Also, I thought I'd bring over

some fresh oranges for you and Gayle.

Okay. Well, that is just so kind, Donna. Thank you.

You're one of a kind, Garry. Oh.

And I just wanna thank you for taking me down memory lane,

ya big B-word.

"Buddy."

So much has changed around here.

I just wanted to remember

the good old days,

when a shoeshine was two bits,

and there were no Mexicans in the music business.

If you don't mind, Councilman Milton,

we just need to search this stand.

Yes. Found it.

"Hi Andy, I hate people,

"but you are okay. It's weird.

"Woof, woof. April."

My God, babe, you were so into me. That's hilarious.

That's it.

It's a dead end. No more clues.

See me in my office.

If it makes you feel any better,

I had a big crush on you too.

That does make me feel a little better. Thanks.

Oh! Thank God.

Get off my boat!

And so, I'm genuinely sorry if I offended anyone,

and here's to my three favorite things, Pawnee, America, and pies.

That is bland. You know, you really don't have to do this.

Babe, I want to. Let me just put it all to rest, and then, we can move on.

Good afternoon.

I'm here today to share with you all

my vision for the economic future of Southern Indiana.

But first, Leslie Knope, my wife,

has a brief statement.

Hello, everyone. Thank you. Wow.

How about this weather we're having?

Very temperate.

Okay. Recently, I made an attempt to...

Actually, hang on. Stop.

I'm sorry, this whole thing just makes me queasy.

I love how independent my wife is,

and because of that, I will not let her speak.

That came out wrong.

The point is, Leslie is a great mother,

public servant, all-around person,

and I am tired of everybody constantly telling her

that she's making the wrong choice.

So you can say whatever you want,

I couldn't care less about the political consequences.

Thank you, Ben.

Well. The first thing I'm gonna do is say sorry.

I'm sorry that the spotlight is on me and not on Ben,

because he is going to make a great congressman.

Second, the Male Men... Where are you? Ah.

You're ridiculous, and men's rights is nothing.

Third, I'm now gonna give you permanent answers

to all the silly questions that you're gonna end up asking me,

and every other woman in this election, over the next few months.

"Why did I change my hairstyle?"

Oh, I don't know. I just thought it would look better.

Or my kids got gum in it.

"Are you trying to have it all?"

That question makes no sense.

It's a stupid question. Stop asking it. Don't ask it.

"Do you miss your kids while you're at work?"

Yes, of course I do.

Everybody does.

And then, you know, sometimes I don't.

Yeah. And by the way, no one's ever asked me that question.

No one asks me, "Where are your kids?"

Or, "Who's taking care of them?"

By the way, who is taking care of the kids right now?

My mom, babe. Everything's fine. Right.

So, Leslie is really smart, which is great,

because if you're like me, you get twice as many good ideas.

And, maybe she doesn't fit your personal idea

of what a candidate's wife should be.

So what? That's good,

because there shouldn't be just one idea anyway.

That's right. If you wanna bake a pie, that's great.

If you wanna have a career, that's great, too.

Do both, or neither, it doesn't matter.

Just don't judge what someone else has decided to do.

We're all just trying to find the right path for us.

As individuals.

On this Earth.

I'd say that's fifty-fifty boos and cheers.

Yeah. That seems about right.

Let Ben speak! Let Ben speak!

He just spoke.

Oh. Sorry. I just got here. I had a broken bike chain.

My bad.

So I guess we are celebrating that

you trusted me and I let you down.

Great.

I change my house locks every 16 days.

That key has been useless

since the second Tuesday after I gave it to you.

What matters is that I trust you

and admire you as a person.

I will be sorry to see you leave this town.

For many reasons.

Not the least of which is that you created

a puzzle that even I couldn't solve.

And boy, oh, boy, did you love Andy.

"Woof, woof."

It really is embarrassing.

Oh, my God. I totally know where the key is.

How'd you remember?

"Woof, woof."

Bark.

Why here?

Because this tree reminds me of you.

It's strong. And quiet.

And always here when you need it.

Or whatever.

I have always felt a certain kinship with April,

and this is proof that I was correct.

Not the nice things she said about me,

the fact that I buried a large amount of gold

under that same tree years ago.

I have since moved it.

Or have I?

Or was I lying the whole time?

Or was I lying about lying?

Or was there never any gold to begin with? Or...

Elise?

What did I do wrong now?

No. Actually, we at the IOW

loved what you said in your speech.

Really? But...

What we loved even more was how you, Ben,

gave Leslie a platform in which to speak her mind.

Congratulations, Ben Wyatt,

you are this year's IOW Woman of the Year.

Son of a bitch.

Ripped By mstoll