Original subtitles

We're going to have orchids on the all the pews, right?

Because orchids are Donna's favorite flowers,

and she's my favorite flower.

We're real cute.

Well, of course, there are going to be orchids.

You think this is my first time working

a side job as a wedding planner

for a former co-worker?

No? I'm so sorry.

I mostly have my rage problem under control,

but planning is very stressful.

Please, avoid my trigger words,

flowers, schedule, vows, bride, groom, food, love, happy, church,

event, wedding, and Craig.

I'm so sorry, Craig.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

April, walk with me.

So I chose you as my maid of honor

because you've become one of my best friends.

And I love you like a sister.

Ew. But also, because you're tough.

My family arrives tonight. I know.

And they're all set with their welcome bags.

And I told your brother, LeVondrious, that he is not welcome.

Good, but still, there's going to be 28 Meagles in one room,

which means there's gonna be drama.

I will handle everything.

I actually care whether you're having a good time and are happy.

It's weird.

The Meagles are a cold-blooded crew of judgmental grudge-holders.

My cousin Winnie once forgot to use

a coaster at my grandpa's house,

and he wrote her out of his will.

The last four Meagle family Pictionary

tournaments ended at the hospital.

Legally, no more than three Meagles are allowed

on an international flight together.

But they give great gifts.

Got to get that flatware.

Ripped By mstoll

Tommy, I was at the nail salon and I picked up

some geranium hand cream. Do you want to try it?

Uh, yes. Warm it up, please.

Ooh! That smells nice.

I'm just gonna go and make sure everything is set

for tonight, okay? All right, see you later.

See you, Ron.

I've always liked that Lucy.

Glad things are going well.

Better than well.

And guess what I have planned for tonight.

No. As Donna's butler of honor,

I'm going all out.

Baby blue brocade.

As a surprise,

I got a matching dress for Lucy.

And you believe Lucy will be happy with this gift?

A hundred percent, we're so in sync.

I finally feel like I'm with the person

I'm going to be with forever.

I'd marry her tomorrow.

Bully for you, son.

More importantly, do you have tri-tip for tonight?

Because if not, I brought my own.

I love weddings.

Good food, the celebration of romantic love,

and most of all, churches.

Say what you will about organized religion,

those bastards knew how to construct an edifice.

Okay, monsters.

Mommy and Daddy have to pack because we're going to a hotel.

But Roz is going to stay here with you.

Yeah, and we are going to have so much fun,

we're going to play games, we're going to color,

maybe we're going to even sit quietly for 30 seconds.

Do you think I could have 30 seconds?

Is all...

She's fading.

Roz, Roz. Hey. Hey.

You are a wonderful nanny.

Oh. You're tough and strong.

And you're an excellent caretaker for our children.

Yeah, every time you come to our house,

we are so happy to see you.

I love you more than Ben.

I do.

If Ben left me, I would be sad but I would get through it.

But if you left me...

I would never recover.

Thanks.

That helps.

I'm so used to packing for them,

I almost put in diapers for myself.

Incoming call, Jen Barkley.

Jen Barkley is calling again.

She's relentless.

Jen is a powerful political operative.

Don't you even want to know what she has to say?

She'll just say what she always says, which is,

"Leslie, would you consider running for state Senate or Congress?"

And I'll say, "Jen, thank you very much,

"that's very flattering but I love my job

"and I get to do it for the entire country."

The whole world is my park.

Besides, our lives are so chaotic, we can't run a campaign.

Well, if you really wanted to do it, we'd find a way.

I mean, things aren't that chaotic.

All three of them just bonked into each other and broke everything you own.

I don't know what that was.

Oh! Would you look at that?

Sweetie, I think your best friend, Tom,

is giving his lady friend a gift.

You know Gayle gives me a gift each and every day.

Oh, I've got the greatest gift of all.

Being married to you.

Oh! Sweetie!

Control yourselves, Gergiches!

Damn, Tommy, well done!

I knew you'd like it.

Get changed, baby. We've got to dominate this party.

What do you think, Ron?

Tommy's the man.

I normally don't get involved in people's personal affairs

but something about a wedding...

I'll just say it.

Tom is quite taken with you.

He's taken with me, huh? Yes!

He said he'd "marry you tomorrow."

Seems silly to stay at a hotel that's 10 minutes from our house.

It's been three years, we deserve one night away together.

A little down time. A little privacy.

Maybe we make some more kids?

Don't even joke about that.

Let's just make, like, three more

so that each one of them can have a friend.

Jen? What are you doing here?

You idiots won't answer my calls

and what I have to tell you cannot wait.

What's that horrible sound?

Children.

Ugh! Your life is gross.

My life is amazing.

Jen, thank you so much for coming but we have to go.

I have never been late for an event that requires an RSVP.

You guys live in Pawnee, Indiana. Where do you have to go?

Puttin' up a new scarecrow?

Could you, please, just get to the point? Sure.

Paul Hartwell, who is your congressional

incumbent from this district, is a moron.

Even by Washington standards.

But he wins every year

because he's a horrible bully and nobody opposes him.

Till now.

Indiana's 10th district needs a new leader.

Someone who's made it a home.

Who cares about our citizens, and who understands the local economy.

Jen, I told you. I have a dream job. I don't want to...

A candidate named Ben Wyatt.

Sorry?

I'm dead serious, Ben.

I think you should run for the House of Representatives.

Whoa! What was that? That was huge.

Hang on, this is Congress you're talking about.

Like where... Like bills become laws.

I am not qualified for that.

We're talking about the House of Representatives, Ben.

You might be over qualified.

Hartwell's biggest weakness is the economy, which is your exact strength.

You're young. You're smart.

You're running the biggest city in the district.

I saw you handle that WiFi thing on TV.

My firm is ready to go, as soon as you say the word.

Are you in or are you out?

Uh, two of the three kids are showering in their pajamas,

and most of Ben's ties are in the toilet.

Just like, as a update of where things are at.

I mean, this is chaos.

Guys, it happened a really long time ago, right?

And it was probably an accident.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure the Dig Dug machine just unplugged itself,

right before I was about to beat his high score.

Yeah, I'm sure it was an accident.

Hey, status report?

The Meagles are weird.

The words that they say sound

passive but seem aggressive.

I feel like there should be a term for that, like...

Nicey meany.

Yeah, I just had to physically separate two 80-year-old men

who were arguing about whether it was really Lena Horne

in that grocery store in 1970.

Okay, you stay on the Key Largo and Denver Meagles,

and I will handle the Berlin Meagles. Done.

So, you're thinking about Jen's offer? Yes.

I mean, how would this even work?

Our lives are so busy, and if I won,

I would be a Congressman

or woman, I mean, equal rights.

No, that doesn't apply.

Okay. Try this.

Tonight, just act like you've decided to run.

And then tomorrow, at the wedding,

act like you've decided not to run.

See which one feels better. Okay.

And what do you think I should do?

Ben has to run.

I don't want to push it because it might backfire but he has to run.

He would be good for America. Good for the world.

Ben should be

the Royal Archduke Sultan Emperor

of all inhabitable lands on Earth.

I'm completely neutral.

I will support you no matter what you do.

You told Lucy, I want to marry her?

Damn it, son, the small hamburgers! Ron!

You have to walk back what you said.

"Walk back" sounds like lying.

Can you drop your strict life codes for a second and help me out?

Even though I've known Lucy for years,

and can see myself spending a life together with her, having children,

walking the grounds of Tommy's Bahama,

a private island, I'll eventually buy.

That's way in the future, man.

Don't call me, "Man."

That's what you took away from this?

Uh!

Don't serve this man.

No more food until he fixes the giant disaster he's created.

Okay. Starting now, you're in campaign mode.

So first up, meet and greet.

You remember how this goes, right? Your goal is to act

like everyone is interesting and important.

Hey, guys.

Nope. Too hard.

Let's try someone else. Okay.

Oh! Here's Donna's parents, okay? Okay.

Work your magic. You got it.

Hi, Mr. And Mrs. Meagle, I presume.

I am Mr. Meagle but we're divorced.

I'm Grace Callahan.

Well, I'm sorry Ms. Callahan.

It's Doctor Callahan.

Well, I hope that you are a podiatrist or a dentist

because I seem to have a case of foot-in-mouth disorder.

Hey, guys. How's everything going?

April, we couldn't be happier and you are an angel for asking.

Yeah, it's surprisingly painless.

No swiping, no passive-aggressive comments...

No drama at all.

Here are all the troublemakers, boss.

Thank you.

Meagles, I am not screwing around, okay?

Lauren, no more discussion of Majorca.

Majorca is off-limits.

Brian and Gloria, stop making Horatio

feel bad that your daughter went to Yale.

No one gives a...

And Ginuwine. Yes.

Get it together.

I'm sorry, April. Kathy started this.

"It's Kathy that started..." I don't care!

She doesn't mean it.

Don't cry, Ginuwine, it's okay.

Thanks, Andy.

Easy-peasy.

Lemon sneezy.

Lucy, I have something to tell you.

I am a liar.

What?

Well, no, I am not a liar.

I have never lied about anything in my life.

Though, I suppose you could construe camouflage as a lie.

What is happening right now?

Tom wanted to convey that he likes you a great deal.

So he said that he could imagine marrying you

and living on an island with your kids.

Wait, now we're on an island?

With kids?

Plural? Yes.

Now, do you know where I can find those little ham balls?

Watch out for those riding lawnmowers, man.

Babe, you are killing it.

I am, right?

Yes.

See, just thinking I'm a Congressman

makes me feel like one.

Yes. Oh, also, I have a little secret.

I'm drunk.

I am too.

Ever since we had our kids, it only takes, like, one sip of wine.

I feel so good and condifent.

Con... I feel condifent.

You know what you should do? You should give a toast.

Because if you were running for Congress,

you have to give speeches, right?

You want me to make a toast? I'll toast it up.

Toast it, baby. Roast it and toast it till it's brown on both sides!

Hey everybody, I'm Ben Wyatt.

Listen, we, of course, are here to celebrate Donna and Joe.

And I have to say, you know, getting married

is the bravest, most wonderful thing you can do.

Because every day you come home and you're just like...

"What?

"It's you, I love you.

"You're my sexy roommate.

"We love each other."

Whoo! He's talkin' about me.

Yes, I am, babydoll.

Look, Donna and Joe

are great.

You all are great.

And this wedding is gonna to be amazing.

Let's get some music and dancing going.

And I am Ben Wyatt,

and I very much approve this message!

You want me to shut that down?

No, I like it.

Let the little man dance.

Hey!

My head...

Last night was so fun but my head...

Died. Yeah.

Yeah, mine's filled with concrete.

Okay, so...

Yesterday, you pretended you were going to run.

Today, you're going to pretend like you're not going to run.

Oh, no.

Jen posted the campaign add, it's everywhere.

I'm running.

How could she do this to...

Oh, God, I'm remembering things.

We called Jen last night, didn't we?

Yeah, we did. Oh!

I also called 8-6-7-5-3-0-9, 100 times.

Oh, God.

Bad. What do we do?

There you are. Surprise. Surprise. Whoa!

You guys should have corner boothed it because you look awful.

You're gonna scare off the other customers.

Hey, Jen. All those kids keep you up all night?

So happy with my choices.

Okay, Jen. Yeah.

I know I left you a message last night

but I really do think you should have checked with me

before throwing me into this.

No. Ben. I'm sorry, you left me four messages last night.

What? And they contain

very specific policy positions.

I want to come out strong on education,

then I'll tack hard into fiscal responsibility.

Oh, God.

8-6-7-5-3-0-9

I love that song.

Jenny, I got your number...

Hey, babe, it's ringing!

Honey, you were a lot more lucid than I was.

Wait.

Were you guys drunk?

That is hilarious. No, we weren't...

Oh, you guys are going to fit in so great in Washington.

Most of Congress is drunk all of the time.

Okay, official presser is tomorrow at 9:00.

You could bail if you want, but it would be embarrassing.

Might derail your career. Might not. Probably will.

Well, you never do know, though, right?

So, just let me know what you want to do. Okay?

Well... I'm just going to spend my time

doing exactly what I want to do.

Because I don't have children.

Bye, guys.

Ron, I'm Walden with the Church's historical archives.

You called about wanting information on the building?

I did, indeed.

Let's start with the fa�ade.

Was the limestone locally hand-hewn?

No. In the late 1870s,

it was actually cheaper to import limestone from Michigan.

Fascinating. But tell me...

I'll do whatever you want. I'm fine with whatever.

No. Wherever you want. No pressure.

Excuse me.

Oh, my God!

Oh! Look at how beautiful you look.

Leslie, I'm not even in my dress yet.

But you're going to be very soon.

All right, I want to say something to my girls.

Knope, you're a softie

but on the inside you're a straight-up boss.

April, you're the exact opposite.

You all inspire me and I love you.

And you too, Michelle.

Michelle, you were my best friend from childhood.

Until we lost touch because you thought

your college boyfriend was into me.

He was.

I never gave him the time of day.

But now, we're rebuilding our friendship.

Is this wedding going to be a test for you? Yes.

But the doctors once told you, you were never going to walk again, so...

This should be easy, right?

Wow. What a complicated tapestry that is.

Bring it in, bring it in.

Moment over.

Leslie, April, help Donna with her dress.

Hi, I'm Typhoon.

Typhoon, I am interested, but now is not the time.

Michelle, get the bouquet.

You're skating on very thin ice.

I couldn't help but notice from afar

that you are both acting like weirdoes.

I further suspect you have not yet talked about what happened.

What? I don't even know what you're talking about,

us having not talked about.

I only meant to say that there's no shame

in declaring how you feel to a person you cherish.

I am sorry if I caused a problem

because the two of you make a good team.

If you'll excuse me,

I missed out on the food,

and was denied a fascinating conversation about Michigan limestone.

But I'll be damned if I don't properly honor

the expression of romantic love.

Ron does this weird thing where he says exactly what he means.

You just have to ignore him.

So you didn't mean what you said?

Look, I'm all in.

That's all I meant.

I didn't want you to think I was crazy or jumping the gun,

and I know you just got out of a relationship

so I don't expect you to feel the same way,

but...

That's how I feel.

Well, I'm only dating you for the free dresses, so...

I'm fine with that.

Donna.

Even though I've known you for years,

I feel like I learn something new about you every day.

Just yesterday I learned that the Pearl Jam album,

Vitalogy was written about you.

You are an amazing, confident woman.

And I love you.

I know that I can be a lot.

And awhile back I was thinking I'd never find someone who loved me for me.

But you're patient and kind and together,

we can do anything.

You may now kiss the bride.

Hey, Roz. Okay, we have the zebras.

Tell the kids not to worry, they're coming back home.

Also, we want to give you a raise.

And anything you want to take from our house. Okay. Bye.

How in the world am I supposed to run for office?

Our lives are like one big unexpected stuffed zebra emergency.

I don't know, what do you think I should do?

I told you, I'm neutral.

Honey, you have never been neutral on anything in your life.

You have an opinion on pockets.

Yes, I think they should all be bigger.

Okay, fine. I think you should run.

Yes, our lives are bonkers

but if something is worth it, and I think this is,

then you just make it work.

Besides, I just read an article on two minute micro-naps

and the science on them is very promising.

Ben Wyatt. Any comment on the report

that you're running for Congress?

I'm sorry, I can't talk about this right now.

Your only experience in politics

was as a failed mayor at age 18.

Okay, please, everyone. We're at a wedding.

And I'm holding zebras.

I mean what qualifies you to take over Hartwell's seat?

Guys, listen to me, please.

I'm dealing with an actual problem right now, okay?

Which, by the way, is what I do for a living.

I solve problems.

As a budget specialist, and for five years

as a City Manager and I'm pretty good at it.

I have worked hard

to transform this area into a fiscally sound destination

for people who want good jobs and a good public education,

and I think the results speak for themselves.

My name is Ben Wyatt and I'm running for Congress.

My God, babe, that was so hot.

Donna. Hey.

How did I do?

Everything was perfect. You are a miracle worker.

But I gotta say, I kind of miss the Meagle drama.

I thought for sure somebody was going to do something crazy.

But everybody is just nice and chill.

Anyway, I love you, and to thank you,

I'm going to try not to hug you.

Thank you. I'm going to hug you.

No! Okay, all right.

Wyatt, why didn't you tell us you were running for Congress?

Well, we didn't want to steal your thunder.

Steal my thunder? I'm sorry. Have you seen how I'm wearing this dress?

Okay, well, in that case, yes, I am.

To Ben. To Donna and Joe.

To me. I own my own restaurant and several other properties.

It's always worth celebrating.

Who's Gary?

Oh, I think that's supposed to be me.

That's your new name, Garry.

Garry. Garry!

Garry! Garry! Garry! Garry!

Garry is my real name.

Yes, after 30 years, my co-workers are finally

going to call me by my real name.

Oh, boy, I'm blessed.

Everyone, can I have your attention, please?

Now, it's time for a surprise musical guest.

One of my all-time favorites,

me.

I had a girl

Donna was her name

Donna. Joe!

I hope you saved a slice of that cake

for your estranged brother,

LeVondrious.

What's up, girl?

Didn't expect to see your baby bro at your wedding, huh?

Well, I'm here.

Despite what you did to me all those years ago.

What I did?

This is because of what you did.

Oh, you must be referring to the microwave incident.

Yeah. Don't worry.

I brought it back.

Now no one gets any popcorn.

You said you wanted a little drama.

That's why I love you, girl.

Ripped By mstoll