Original subtitles

Whoa! Alcatraz!

Can't believe Michael Bay spent

a billion dollars of his own money

to build that for The Rock.

I can't believe you were able to recite that entire movie,

from memory, on the plane ride.

You weren't trying to sleep, were you?

I couldn't tell, 'cause you had that mask thing over your eyes.

This may be the craziest week of my entire life.

I am six days away from the start of the Unity Concert,

I am pregnant with triplets,

I am trying to decide if I should take a job

that will move me away from Pawnee,

and I am speaking at the National Parks Conference in San Francisco.

It is gonna be so much fun.

Michelle Obama is the keynote speaker.

And you know what they say.

"What happens at a National Parks Conference

"is compiled and emailed to you in a PDF the following Monday."

We gotta find a way to break in there.

They give tours.

Yeah.

That's exactly how they'll be expecting me to try to break in.

Ripped By mstoll

My restaurant opens in six weeks,

and I'm making sure I get every detail right.

This is the hardest

I've worked on anything since...

Wow. I've never worked hard on anything.

What a cool life!

Looks like everything's on track for July.

It's just too bad we're not opening

in time for this Unity Concert.

The extra publicity would've given us a nice boost.

Why don't we?

We could do a soft opening tomorrow,

and be ready just in time for the concert crowd.

You really think you can pull that off?

Well, nobody can predict the future.

Except me. I guarantee it'll work,

and in six months,

this place will be bigger than McDonald's.

As always, I love your enthusiasm.

See you tomorrow. Partner.

A soft opening tomorrow?

From now on, everyone call me Kristen.

Because I am wigging out right now!

Yeah, we're not even close to being ready.

They're not even done painting that sign. It says "Tom's bi."

Actually, no, that's good.

We're ready. Mitch was right.

The amount of buzz we'd get from opening next weekend

is too big to pass up.

We can do it!

"This little Italian restaurant will put

"McDonald's out of business" on three.

One, two, three!

This little Italian restaurant

will put McDonald's out of business!

...rise from hell fire!

Lester Kanopf? Come on, guys, get it together.

That's mine.

Sorry, Lester.

Yours is right here.

Grant! Hi!

Yeah, I saw you were gonna be here,

and since you've been ducking my calls,

I just thought that I'd drop in.

Care to join me for lunch?

I would...

Liam Bonneville's gonna be there.

Liam Bonneville?

The Department of the Interior's resident bad boy?

Well, now you've got my attention.

Let me go grab my autograph book and we'll head out.

Andy and I are meeting with a tech company called Gryzzl.

Now, they're giving away free WiFi to a few cities across America,

and we're going to pitch Pawnee to them.

And what exactly does Gryzzl do?

No idea.

So, Gryzzl's really taking off, huh?

Yeah. It's been a crazy ride.

Our music service GryzzlDump launched in November,

and now we have 170 million users.

Six months ago, I was working in a taco truck.

Now, I own one-third of the Portland Trailblazers.

So, you can just get your hair cut in the lobby at Gryzzl, huh?

Uh, Gryzzl's a work collective.

Everyone just kind of does whatever they want,

and we just sort of flow in that direction.

Do you think I could cut somebody's hair?

If that's how you want to flow.

Andy? Go get it.

I think Pawnee is a great candidate

for your free wireless initiative.

We lead the country in online pizza ordering.

In fact, a lot of people go to the library just to order pizza online.

Right now, we're kind of focused on bigger cities,

like, Shreveport, Akron.

Sure, obviously, we're no Akron.

I mean, we're more like Dayton.

But with your help, we can become Toledo.

Ben, we don't like to say the word "no"...

No.

...at this company.

We feel it's counter-productive

to our creative mission.

So instead, let me say,

"Nah, bro."

How is that better?

Check it out, guys, all done. Only made, like, 12 mistakes.

Dwayne "The Rock" Swanson.

Donna told me I'd find you up here. What's all this?

Over the last few months, I've remodeled the entire third floor.

Wiring, heating and cooling,

restored this red pine back to its original glory.

Oh, wow, the stripes are so wavy. It's really...

All right, I can't keep this facade up any longer.

I need a favor.

You know those chairs you were making for my restaurant?

I need them now.

I was told I had until July. My chairs take time.

Who do you think I am, Thomas Hucker?

Please, Ron? I've never asked you for anything today.

I just spent 10 weeks refurbishing

an entire floor of this building.

And now you want me to drop everything and furnish your restaurant?

Yeah.

Good.

I was worried I wouldn't have a project after this was done.

I'll get to work right away.

Please, you're really far behind.

Hello, everybody. This is Leslie Knope.

Leslie, this is Rebecca...

Varuvian, yes.

Hello. I know who you are. I've read all of your papers,

and, um, I had your poster on my wall when I was a kid.

What poster? I made a poster of you

by blowing up your picture from the National Parks newsletter.

I cut out your face and made it look like

you were dunking over Charles Barkley.

My God.

So you're the author of the famous river clean-up proposal, huh?

It wasn't bad.

Liam Bonneville read my proposal. Wow.

Liam's being withholding as usual.

That proposal was brilliantly written.

Rebecca Varuvian. Yes?

Nothing.

That was the best lunch I ever had.

I have to see the photos that you took.

I didn't take any photos.

What? Grant, come on!

Leslie, you're treating those people like they're your heroes.

They could be your peers.

Look, I really hope you take the job,

but we're at the end of the line here.

I need a decision by tomorrow.

Okay, that's fair.

I mean, I would be insane not to take the job.

But I'm just having some trouble thinking about leaving Pawnee.

Hey, here's someone who may be able to convince you.

Hello, Mrs. Obama.

Hey, Grant. How you doing?

I'm doing good. This is Leslie Knope.

She's considering a job with us

running the new Midwest bureau in Chicago.

Well, you know how I feel about Chicago.

Yeah. You are from Chicago, so you like it!

That's right. And we need passionate people,

like you, on our national parks.

You know they get hundreds of millions of visitors each year.

Are you nodding because you agree with me?

Yes. I do agree with you.

I agree with you on all things.

Throughout history. Until the end of time, forever.

You and Grant work together?

Yeah, we work together a lot.

He's helped me integrate the Let's Move program

into our National Parks, you know?

Getting kids outside, rock climbing, hiking.

Whoa! That's really, really incredible!

Great work! I'm sorry I'm talking so loud!

I'm getting louder and now I can't stop! My apologies!

I don't know, I can't...

Can I high-five you? Yeah.

Well, I hope you take the job.

Change happens one person at a time.

Good to meet you.

Again, think it over.

Okay. This is a bad idea.

Just trust me.

You got your camera ready? Yeah.

Andy, I'm very nervous about this.

You're gonna hurt yourself.

And here we go.

Wow!

Look at it go! I mean, I knew it would go down, but not that fast!

San Francisco's the best.

Huh.

I thought he was gonna be on it.

Yeah. Anyway, it was amazing, babe.

Everyone was there, Rebecca Varuvian, Liam Bonneville...

I've decided. I'm gonna take the job.

There's so much more in the world to see,

and I feel like I can really make a difference.

Oh, and I met Michelle Obama.

What? Why didn't you lead with that?

I don't know! Liam Bonneville has me in a tizzy!

Guys! It's totally broken!

We have 10 tables booked for the soft opening.

It's all friends and family, so hopefully they'll go easy on us.

How's it looking, Ron? Maybe speed it up a little?

This is not government work. As such, I treat it with care and attention.

Okay, but also, go faster.

I haven't had time to hire a staff yet,

so April, you'll handle service.

No. Can't I just stay in the back

and spit in people's food like we planned?

The sawdust from Ron's chairs is everywhere.

My sinuses are on the fritz, and smell is 90% of taste!

Maybe 95!

Okay, Craig.

Donna's gonna be your wine taster. You guys will work as a team.

Fine, but if he raises his voice once, once, I'm out.

Please don't stick to that policy.

I've got the menus.

Great.

Larry, what the hell? What are these pictures?

Oh, geez, I must have given the printer the wrong flash drive.

What is this, a rotten grapefruit?

No, it's my dog's rectum.

Lord Sheldon has a growth, so we're sending pictures over to the vet.

But I guess this isn't good for menus, is it?

Larry? Larry. Larry. Listen to me.

This is the worst thing you've ever done.

I need you to take all of these dog butt pictures

and burn them in the pizza oven.

April, you'll list all the menu items from memory.

It'll be classier anyway.

Ron! What was wrong with that one?

It was too perfect. It looked machine-made.

Okay, we have to convince them that Pawnee is a special city.

Ooh, we could tell them that there's buried treasure in Pawnee,

and then, after they give us the free WiFi,

we tell them that the treasure was love all along.

No.

I am not gonna take no for an answer.

If we're leaving Pawnee, I'm gonna give them a going-away present,

free WiFi for all.

Every time someone in Pawnee clicks through

a slideshow of American Music Award red carpet sideboob fails,

they'll say, "Thank you, Ben Wyatt."

What the hell?

They're playing Cones of Dunshire.

Hey, you invented that game.

Are they playing any games I invented?

Are they throwing dirt into a fan?

The key is, you have to throw the dirt into the back of the fan.

How the hell do they...

Excuse me.

How did you guys get your hands on this game?

Someone sent it to us. Have you played it?

I invented Cones of Dunshire.

You're The Architect? Yeah, right.

And I'm the alchemist of the Hinterlands.

There can't be an alchemist of the Hinterlands.

The Hinterlands is a shadow kingdom

that can only sustain a provost or a denier.

He's right.

Hey. How about this? Let's play.

If I win, you give me another shot at free wireless for Pawnee.

Have a seat.

You wanna be corporal or warrior?

Neither.

I'm the maverick.

By using the Leslie Knope Seamless Merger Super System, patent pending,

Pawnee and Eagleton, and their parks departments,

will be fully integrated within the next six to twelve months.

I know, I know. I think it was a good presentation, too.

Is that why you're laughing?

Your timeline is way off.

I was in charge of the Wesham-Southborough merger of 2004.

You know when it was completed?

Last month.

What? How is that possible?

Merging governments requires constant hands-on management.

You're being very cavalier about the future of your town.

Excuse me. I've been accused of a lot of things,

but cavalier has never been one of them.

I have a Super System.

I had a system, too.

But the economy went south.

My hometown hit some hard times

and was converted into unincorporated territory.

You lost your cityhood?

If you wanna see this through,

you need eight to 10 years minimum.

Unless you wanna run the risk of Pawnee becoming...

Don't say it!

...unincorporated territory.

That's a bold flavor. Fruity. A little earthy.

Which is it? Fruity or earthy?

It can't be both, they're mutually exclusive!

Oh, no! You do not come at me like that.

I'm sorry. I don't know who I am anymore.

A man without a palate isn't a man.

I love you, Donna.

What are you guys doing? There's people waiting out there!

We're having a moment, you monster!

Stop hassling me.

Ron, you're amazing. You've always been like a grandpa to me.

But can you please lower your standards a tiny bit

so my customers have somewhere to sit?

No.

Oh.

I am so sorry, Tom.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but don't worry about it.

Restaurant superstition,

breaking a glass on the first night is good luck.

Thank God.

Oh, geez. I'm so sorry.

Guess I have to start over.

Who wants to go look for trees with me?

I play an action card to build a Belltower inside your Citadel.

My shaman casts a Toyber spell on your prosperity tile.

Looks like someone's out of resource gems.

Uh-oh.

What's this?

I'm offering you a draw. Right here, right now.

Why would I...

I'm winning, I have all your resource gems.

This is your last chance.

Roll the dice.

Gladly.

I move my abbot to the ocean hex,

which moves my brinksman to the devil's lair,

and pushes my farmer, yes, my humble farmer,

directly into the central cone.

Yeah, man! We did it! This whole company is ours!

Oh, no, it's not. That's mine.

That's mine. It's all mine. Andy?

For the record, I did invent this game.

But it doesn't even matter, because I won,

and I get another chance to prove

that there is something truly special about Pawnee.

Yes, there is. It's the home of The Architect.

Let's talk.

Hey, man, I don't know what you're up to, but get to my office.

We're cutting that hair.

Seems like things are a little chaotic.

No, no. Everything is perfect.

This is April. She's gonna be taking care of you tonight.

Hello. Welcome to Tom's Bistro.

Today we have spaghetti, linguine, fettuccine,

ravioli, rigatoni, bucatini, lasagna.

Could you repeat that?

Spaghetti, linguine, fettuccine, ravioli, rigatoni,

Ferrari, Lamborghini, bucatini, lasagna.

Can I see a menu?

We had to throw our menus away

because they are covered with pictures of Larry's dog's rectum.

Great news. Lord Sheldon's gonna make it. Yeah.

We just have to apply a salve to his anus

every hour for the rest of his life, but...

Oh! Enjoy your meal!

For crying out loud!

No! Mitch, don't leave. Come on!

You have no idea how to run a restaurant.

I've been in this game before, and I can see the cracks starting to form.

Sorry, kid. Consider my investment terminated.

Dee, let's go.

Sir, were you sitting in that chair?

Yes. Yes, I was. Why?

No reason.

Let's go.

Apparently, and I don't know how, but the game has spread.

I mean, it's all over the Internet. Austin, Charlotte, San Diego.

I mean, people are playing with my cones, babe.

That's great.

I'm just bummed I never copyrighted it.

I'll look into that.

But at least because of it, Pawnee will get free wireless

and we can both move away with a clear conscience.

Uh-oh. What's wrong?

I can't leave Pawnee

during a difficult merger that I'm responsible for.

I have to turn down the job.

Leslie, no. You made up your mind. Yesterday. You...

Michelle Obama!

I know! But I've been doing this for months.

I wanna stay and go.

I mean, how far along are we on human cloning?

Wasn't Dolly the sheep like 20 years ago?

It's like, "What the hell, scientists? Get it together!"

Okay, coming up on Terminal 3.

No. Keep driving, just loop around.

Listen, we are not getting out of this cab until we make a decision.

Honey, we are gonna miss our flight.

Then we miss our flight.

I'll tell Andy to fly home without us and cancel our tickets,

but we are not going back to Pawnee

until we know we are staying in Pawnee.

Just make a decision.

So, you screwed up a little.

You tried to shoot the moon and you came up short.

That doesn't mean it's over.

My main investor pulled out.

Any dollar I spend from now on is my own.

And despite what my pocket square says,

I'm not a billionaire.

So, I quit.

Just go home, Ron.

Not done with the chairs yet.

It is my belief that you never start a job you don't intend to finish.

Really? I love quitting.

When I was a kid and things didn't go my way,

I would just take my ball and go home.

That's better than winning, 'cause then, your friends can't play anymore!

Hey!

No! My stemware!

You are not quitting.

I just called a bunch of reviewers,

and I told them that the soft opening went great,

and I invited them to come here on Friday.

Why would you do this to me?

You worked really hard.

You owe it to yourself to give it a real shot,

because you are smart and talented.

Well, I hate doing work, but I love being flattered,

so maybe I'll give it another try.

Good. That's a smart move, son.

Thanks, Ron.

Because you currently owe me $16,000.

For the wood.

The labor was free, but the wood was a bargain.

At $16,000.

You know, it's none of my business,

but how can you not take this big job?

I know, it's an amazing job.

But on the other hand, it does seem like

you've put down some really deep roots in your hometown.

Yeah, welcome to the predicament, Horace.

The town will be okay without you if you leave.

So, what does your gut tell you?

I'm never gonna be able to decide.

I'm gonna be paralyzed by hypotheticals

until I die here, in this mini van!

At the San Francisco airport.

Wait a second. I have an idea.

Drive here.

Where are we going?

It's right up here. Just trust me.

Wait. I'm on Endor.

These are the redwoods George Lucas used

to create the forest moon of Endor.

Sorry, that's not why we're here. Let's go.

Well, that is a gorgeous view.

Yes, it is.

But don't look at that. Look at this.

You've been thinking about this job in the abstract.

Focus on what it actually means.

We're standing in a national park that stretches 50 miles.

That's The Presidio, over there, it's a national park.

So is Alcatraz, and so are the redwoods

we just walked through, by the way.

You take this job, places like this will be your office.

Well, that is a compelling point.

Okay, when we got back from London,

you said that it's a very big world

and you've seen very little of it.

This is your chance, honey.

This whole region,

Mount Rushmore, the badlands, the Ozarks,

Abe Lincoln's childhood home,

you would be in charge of all of it.

Your job would be to preserve the most beautiful places on Earth

so millions of people could enjoy them.

And those places, the greatest treasures America has to offer,

will all have signs with your name right there.

Hi, Grant. I want the job.

Uh, I have a lot of questions,

but I'm a little amped up right now, so I'll probably just hang up.

Might be for the best. But anyway, I love you.

No, I don't. I'm sorry.

That was weird. Okay, bye.

This is Lester Kanopf. No, you know...

Okay. Bye.

Smoothly handled, Lester.

Yeah. I panicked.

We should go. We have a lot of stuff to do.

And the meter's still running on that cab, so chop, chop.

Really? Oh. Yeah.

Leslie, you wanted to see me?

Yeah, Larry. Have a seat.

Oh, geez. Am I fired?

I wish. If only it were that easy.

I have accepted a new job,

and I need to start telling everybody that I'm leaving.

It's gonna be very painful.

So, I've decided to start with Larry. As a practice run.

Because, it doesn't need to go well.

Because, who cares? Because, Larry.

Larry, I have something to tell you.

I'm going...

But Leslie, no... What...

But, no...

No.

What is going on?

She wanted to fire me,

but she realized that she loved having me

around too much, and she couldn't do it.

What? Larry, that was not even close.

God, just get out of here, please.

Why didn't you fire Larry?

I thought you were going to fire him.

I'm sorry.

Opening of Tom's Bistro was a disaster. So, what?

This is America. And America's the land of second chances.

And now we have one night, one after-party,

to make the world realize that Tom's Bistro is where miracles can happen!

Thomas, I have to work all day at the Unity Concert.

If you're gonna pull this off, we need more people!

I know, and I didn't wanna do this,

but I called in some reinforcements.

Did someone call for a party zoo?

Craig, this is my friend,

Jean-Ralphio, and his twin sister, Mona Lisa.

All right, so we got a four-way going

with my ex, my brother, and this rando?

Okay, if that's where the night is going.

It's 9:00 in the morning. What?

It's not a four-way.

And I need your help. Ugh!

And you both once lied about me to your father,

and basically caused the downfall of my last business.

So, you owe me a favor.

I owe you a favor? Oh, boy.

I stole $2,000 from you.

I'm the person that sneaks into your home

every night, and eats your food.

Oh, so... Oh, right, so I do owe you a favor.

Man, I'm gonna help you out, okay? And she's gonna help you, too.

Because you owe me a favor.

You remember the time you made me dress up as you,

and go on a date with one of your ex-boyfriends?

And then the guy immediately figured it out, and beat me up?

Oh... Now you remember that I got beat up.

Yeah.

Who are these people? They are awful,

and horrifying, and I love them!

Take these VIP invitations,

find all the A-list peeps at the concert,

and get them to the restaurant tonight.

I gotta stop by the Parks office.

I'll meet you later. God speed.

I like your energy, hombre.

What do you say you and I ride go-karts later?

I wanna go horseback riding!

Deal.

Last chance, Ron.

The slots are finalized, but I can squeeze in 10 minutes

if a certain Mr. Duke Silver wanted to come out.

Come on, Ron. It's gonna be so fun.

Thank you, Andrew.

But fun or not, playing music is

something I like to keep private,

along with my family, my conversations,

and my whereabouts at all times.

Okay, everyone.

Welcome to the very last Unity Concert planning meeting.

Andy, you are in charge, this is your show. Take it away.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it,

is to accept the following missions.

Madison. Manning the art tents.

Donna.

Scheduling and security liaison.

Larry.

Staying out of the way.

And all of the rest of the volunteer work assignments

are up on this board.

Your main goal today is to get 2,000 people to sign up

for the Pawnee-Eagleton Merger Preservation Volunteer Action Squad.

Their first project will be to come up with a shorter name for the group.

You're right, the name is too long, I was picturing bigger hats.

All right, here we go. Everybody, let's get to work!

Can the Parks and Rec people hang back for a second?

The story of these nuts is... they're mixed.

Mr. Hapley, hi. My name's Craig Middlebrooks.

I'm a huge fan!

I work at Tom's Bistro, which is a wonderful restaurant,

and we need you to come to a special party tonight,

or it all goes down the toilet!

Well, will there be music, food...

And a location? Yes.

Good, because in this reporter's opinion,

it's not a party unless there's music,

food,

and a location.

Um, the reason I wanted you guys to

stick around is, I wanted to tell you

that I love and admire you.

Oh, Leslie, thank you!

You say that every morning.

A while ago, I was offered a job at the National Parks Service.

And it's a great opportunity, but it means that I'll have to move.

To Illinois.

And I took the job.

Good for you!

- That's great! - Congratulations, Knope.

The sentimental people in this office will probably miss you.

When do you leave?

- Soon. Maybe a month. - Oh...

That makes what we're about to show you a little bit awkward.

We had a new Founder's Day statue commissioned,

and added your name to the list of founders of Pawnee.

Because you basically founded this new town.

"Leslie Knope, champion of the Pawnee-Eagleton merger.

"Our most faithful citizen. She never abandoned us."

Oh, boy. There's a quote, too.

"Only a moron would ever live anywhere other than Pawnee, Indiana.

"Leslie Knope, multiple occasions."

I can cut a new plinth with a less ironic inscription.

This is so touching, you guys.

I am crying out of happiness and sadness and gratitude,

and because I'm carrying triplets,

and for a fifth reason that I can't figure out.

Leslie, don't cry. It's not that great.

Doesn't even look like you.

Or actually, you know what? It kinda does.

Well, about that time. Unity Concert!

Hello, Pawnee, we're The Decemberists.

It's great to be here in support of this event.

This is truly an amazing town.

I ordered a small cheeseburger and both the buns were pizzas.

Hope I don't see this on eBay.

There you go.

Victoria Secret supermodel Karlie Kloss?

Really? Where? Wait a second.

You're not Karlie, you're my friend, Joan Callamezzo.

They don't even allow me in Victoria's Secret anymore.

Why? Yeah.

Joanie baby, I'm throwing a huge party tonight at Tom's Bistro.

You gots to stop by.

You gots to stop by.

Will this medium drink of water be there?

The only reason I wouldn't be there is if I got pulled over.

For violating my house arrest

Ah, boosh! What?

Judge gave me two ankle bracelets.

Said it was the first time he ever had to do that.

Ja boy's a question on the bar exam! Ya heard!

Anyway. Tom's Bistro, tonight. Be there.

Don't. Just let me talk... Mmm.

Well, the relocation package seems fair.

But the dental plan is more than fair.

I mean, three annual cleanings for the spouse? Ka-ching!

Did someone say "dental plan"?

How's it going?

Councilman Jeremy Jamm, Jamm Orthodontics.

Hey, I think we can all agree this concert blows, right?

If you guys really wanna see a crowd,

you might wanna stop by my

secession rally later tonight.

That is gonna be off the hook.

You ever heard of Warrant? Yeah.

There's a cover band right here,

that call themselves Cherry Pie.

Pretty sure we got their bass player.

Oh, wow. Gonna be pretty good.

Rock and roll Yeah, poison

What is that?

Just general rock, man. It's gonna be fun.

She's my cherry pie Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

That guy was a councilman?

Crazy, right?

Okay, let's talk staff.

For the first few months, you're only gonna have six staffers.

Four of them will be coming up from Omaha.

Oh, so, does that mean that

there's two openings left? Yeah.

Because I happen to know some of the most dedicated civil servants,

and greatest people to ever walk the planet Earth.

You can hire whoever you like.

This is how I will soften the emotional blow of me leaving,

I will bring people with me.

But just two. Who do I bring?

Oh, I know, I'll sacrifice my spot for a third person.

No, that's not gonna work at all.

Well, you gotta admit, it was a very noble idea.

Ginuwine, it is an honor to be breathing the same air as you.

No joke.

But real talk,

we're both men about town

being constantly bombarded with party invitations.

Who is this guy?

My friend who's opening a restaurant tonight,

and you're going to be there, cousin.

Unless you want me to get on stage

and talk about how we used to take baths together.

How you cried whenever I took away your rubber duckies.

Damn, Donna, why you gotta bring the Quackson Five into this?

How y'all doing?

Lil' Sebastian, this one is for you.

Because you're my pony.

Ron, I have to ask you something,

and I want you to consider it, okay?

Really consider it.

How would you feel about leaving Pawnee and moving to Chicago?

Hold on. Come on, I'm not done.

You'd be working for the federal government.

You know what? Excuse me for wanting

my dear friend and ethical mentor

to accompany me on the adventure of a lifetime.

It's very sweet, Leslie.

And the National Parks Service is probably

the only branch of government worth a damn.

But Diane and I are quite happy raising our family here.

Now if you'll excuse me,

there's a booth over there serving

something called "fried sausage quilts,"

so I'm going to buy the booth.

Freddy Spaghetti, hey!

Andy Dwyer, or Johnny Karate, I'm such a huge fan!

Save it, jagwipe.

I had this place on lockdown.

I was rolling in cash and lonely moms,

and then you come out of nowhere, and you blow up my spot.

You're going down.

Hey, kids, spaghetti time!

All right, see ya.

Clap your hands, kids, it's Johnny Karate!

Hello. I'm Johnny Karate.

Imaginary friends are cool

Imaginary friends take the fall for you

Daddy, you should play music.

Yeah, Ron. Go on, get up there, have some fun.

I recalibrated the sights on all the rifles in the shooting gallery.

I've had enough fun for one day.

Oh, I know that look. Where is she?

She's near. Hide the children.

Hello, Ron. Hello, Ron's friend.

Tammy.

What could possibly bring you to a children's performance?

Preparing a ritual sacrifice of a newborn?

No, just trolling for some daddy.

Sorry, I pronounced that wrong. I'm trolling for some dad-dy.

Diane, why don't you take the girls for some ice cream

while I dispose of this sewer-dwelling gutter witch?

Bye, Tammy. Always a pleasure.

She's cute.

So, you wanna get out of here?

Her very existence renders you

a neutered bowl of tasteless gel.

Find someone else's life to ruin.

You're not fooling me, Ron.

This little domestic charade of yours hasn't changed you one bit.

You're still the same old Ron Swanson.

And I will defeat you.

I will defeat you right into my pants.

Thank you. Everybody go crazy!

All right, thanks, guys. Remember. Karate on bad guys only.

Hey, man, you were really great out there.

Oh, hey! Burly! How you doing, man?

Pretty good, man.

Remember my nephew, Jack? He's a really big fan.

Whoa. Hey, Jack. Good to see you, bud.

Hey, listen, man, I'm really sorry

things ended so weird with Mouse Rat.

That's not really how I pictured us breaking up, you know?

Yeah, I do know.

I always figured we'd, you know, whatever,

break up because I got drafted by the Colts.

And then in the first game, of course, I break my leg.

The crowd starts chanting my name,

and I give them the thumbs up.

And then I go to the hospital, I get really good at chess,

I end up beating the computer finally.

And then the band just sort of drifts apart.

That was how I saw it, but... Yeah.

Take it easy.

Yeah, see ya.

Babe!

That was so awesome. That was the best performance ever.

One kid peed his pants because he didn't want to miss anything.

What? I gave a kid pee-pants?

Yes!

That's why I do what I do.

What's wrong?

I guess I just kind of miss having people up on stage with me.

They never tell you, when you go solo,

that it's just gonna be you up there.

Anyways, what do you say I take you over to the ball pit,

and we find your cell phone I lost?

Wait, what?

I love you, Kay Hanley!

I hope you like deep-dish pizza,

because there's gonna be a lot more of it in Chicago,

where we're all gonna be moving.

Okay. No. No!

We are not moving to Chicago for, like, a billion reasons.

But, babe, pizza.

There's pizza in Pawnee.

Right. Thanks, babe.

You're so good at reminding me where pizza is.

Come on, guys, take a risk!

Live on the edge. Life is an adventure.

It is! Let's do it!

No! No.

Pawnee is cheap and we like it here,

and Chicago seems like there's a lot of stuff to do and people,

but I like to do nothing with no one.

So, thank you and I love you,

but no thank you, and I hate you.

More I love you.

You know, you owe me for that pizza.

Thank you, Pawnee!

We have been Bobby Knight Ranger!

Yeah, and check this out, Thursday night

we're opening for Steely Dan Quayle!

Super cool to hear Sister Christian that many times in a row!

Now is the moment we've all been waiting for.

This next band agreed to re-unite for one night only.

And it's gonna be great.

I personally hope that they play Summer Sun.

We all know how it goes, right?

Hey, Andy. Why don't you let us play those, bud?

Oh, yeah. Good point. Okay. Without any further ado, Land Ho!

Hello, Pawnee!

Thank you, Pawnee!

You miss the band?

No, I mean, I love that I'm Johnny Karate now.

But being part of a band, that's rock and roll, man.

Joining us now for our finale, legendary local band,

please welcome Mouse Rat!

You guys are closing this sucker down!

How about this Unity Concert, huh, Pawnee?

I love this town so much and I'm just so proud to live here.

And we're gonna close tonight out with a tribute

to Pawnee's greatest treasure.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Duke Silver!

You know, Donna, I think you would thrive in Chicago.

The night life, the big city.

I do owe Derrick Rose a brunch.

But I like it here, plus, things are getting serious with Joe.

And if I'm gonna move to any other city...

I know, it's gonna be Seattle.

No, Istanbul. Girl, it's the Seattle of Eurasia.

It's hot! All right, I'm gonna bounce.

I'm gonna go to Tommy's party. I'll see y'all there.

Leslie, I know that you're asking people

to go with you, and I just want to tell you,

that you can count me in!

Gayle and I have been talking about

our golden years in the big city.

This is perfect, the four of us

in Chicago!

Oh, my God!

I gotta call her right now, but, yeah! Chicago!

Ben, this is a disaster.

I thought of 20 different pairings

of people that might come with us.

And none of them were "Larry" and "no one."

I don't know, it sounds pretty good to me.

The windy city, me, my lady, my boy Lar-bones...

What? Larry's great.

Have you lost your mind?

Guys, this is the most important night of my life.

Which means it's the most important night of your lives, too.

Speak for yourself.

I once got into a cab that Kyra Sedgwick was getting out of!

No way, the closer?

It's opening night. Let's do this!

Hey, butt-weiners!

Look who I found

Daddy!

No! Your father ruined my last business. Why would you bring him here?

Mmm. Because you told me to look for VIPs

and my daddy is the Vl-est PI know.

I love you, Daddy.

I love you, too, angel!

Money, please!

Money, please! Money, money, money!

Craig, grab a drink!

Why would you come here, Saperstein?

I came here to see your flourishing business.

To see how well you're doing.

Wow! You're packed!

Can you squeeze me in, or do I need a reservation?

'Cause there's nobody here.

Maybe this restaurant won't be a huge success.

Maybe it won't be packed with celebrities.

Tommy! Or maybe it will!

Hello, Joan! Hello, Perd. Hi!

Thanks for coming by.

Can I get you a drink?

I'll have the "Joan."

It's a tumbler of gin and it's got crushed aspirin around the rim.

And I would just like an empty glass.

Steve, can we get these cocktails going for Joan and Perd?

Oh, look! Kay Hanley, rock star. Thanks for coming by!

Thanks for having me.

Come on in, guys. You might wanna grab a seat, Dr. Saperstein.

Looks like it's getting a little crowded.

And I said, "You don't need a towel. You need a washcloth."

That's a good one. That's a good one.

I don't think that the girls have ever been happier or more surprised

than when you got up on that stage.

Well, having you and the kids in my life

has made me a different person.

And I like it.

There's more room in my life for fun.

Speaking of which.

How would you like to have a little more fun?

Another. Make it a double.

Oh, well, well, well, well.

You know I had a secession meeting tonight

and nobody was there because they were all at that stupid concert.

You and Knope totally boned me on that.

Betrayed by my two best friends in the world.

Not now, Jeremy. I am in the middle of a situation.

My ex-wife, Tammy, is right over there.

She is sexually voracious,

and she'll do anything to make me jealous.

Promise me you won't sleep with her,

even though it would be quite easy, and certainly mind-blowing.

Yeah, sure, man, you got it, no problem.

I mean, dudes gotta stick together, right? Right?

Man, she is wearing that dress, though.

Oh! Mmm.

Hi, Ben!

It's me, Barney, from the accounting firm.

Yes, hi, Barney.

You don't have to introduce yourself every time.

I was gonna wait until your birthday to give this to you,

but I'm just too excited.

This is the copyright to Cones of Dunshire.

After you gave it to us as a gift, we saw its potential,

so we formed a "C" Corp and registered it in your name!

This is amazing. How can I ever repay you?

Come work for us at the accounting firm?

Okay.

No, sorry, I can't.

Wow. Shortest one yet.

Thank you.

What's your name?

Hey, You ready to do this?

Let's grab a handle of amaretto,

head to the ladies' john, and see what's what.

Tammy, I don't wanna fight you.

Or do whatever it is that you're suggesting.

Oh, my God.

What?

That's Jeremy Jamm.

Ron's mortal enemy and my former lover.

Ron hit the roof when he found out.

Everything about Jamm drives him crazy.

He's kind of cute.

I wonder if the carpet is as curly as the drapes.

Excuse me.

Babe, thank you so much for organizing the Mouse Rat reunion.

It was actually Ginuwine who arranged everything.

He really cares about you.

You're the greatest wife ever.

I wish I could marry you all over again.

Let's get divorced. That way we can get married again!

Yes! Let's do it.

You want to? Yes!

We should do that, right? Yeah, totally.

We're getting divorced! Yes!

This is amazing! Practically everyone we invited came.

Except for Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus.

I was hoping tonight would be magical enough to get them back together.

Let it go, friend. He's not good enough for her.

And vice-versa!

Thomas.

Yes, we don't get along.

But I look at you, I see driven, I see smart,

and I just had the best Italian meal I've ever had in my life.

And I've been to Dallas.

I'm in. No way.

I'm not gonna let you take another one of my businesses.

No, I'm in as a partner.

I'm always looking for new investments.

I've got an auto dealership, I've got a massage parlor,

a dry cleaning transactional holding company

that is doing unbelievably well, I might add.

What do you say?

You know what?

I'm not really looking for investors

given the almost embarrassing level of success I've attained.

But I'll consider it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get

some pictures for my Wall of Fame.

Uh, excuse me, Miss Hanley? Do you mind if I snap a "You-ie"?

It's what I call selfies of other people.

Sure.

Can I get everyone's attention, please?

Our goal was to get 2,000 signatures in support of the merger.

We got almost 4,000 on the first night!

Thank you all for your hard work.

You may have... literally saved this town.

Now, back to the owner of this amazing restaurant,

"Pawnee's most eligible entrepreneur,

"the man who puts the 'Bist' in 'Bistro,'

"He..." "Card one of six."

Okay, I'm not reading this whole thing. Mr. Tom Haverford!

Hey, everybody, let's keep this party going!

The next round of gnocchi is on the house!

Are you crying?

They're just gonna make each other so miserable.

Ah...

You look sad, Knope.

Couldn't find any takers for Chicago?

Everybody turned me down but Larry.

Ouch. Yeah.

Well, cheer up.

You got a new job, new challenges, all that crap you like.

Man, I'm gonna miss Pawnee. I wish I could stay.

Keep an eye on it, raise my kids here.

And let's be honest, am I ever gonna find

a better breakfast than JJ's Diner?

You will not, no.

I know it's not easy to leave

but this job does seem perfect.

Of course, I'd prefer you use your talents elsewhere.

With your courage and small frame,

you'd make an excellent coal miner.

Thank you, Ron. That's very sweet.

It's time for you to move up in the world.

Your ambition was bound to take you away

from the town you love sooner or later.

And you can't have everything you want.

Oh, my God.

I can have everything I want! Thank you!

I feel like you're not listening to me.

And by the way, don't think that we are not discussing Duke Silver.

When were you going to tell me about that?

Unbelievable. I am so furious at you.

But I've already forgiven you

and you need to teach me how to play the saxophone. Okay, bye.

Hi, Leslie, and everyone. I'm Grant.

No time for small talk!

I think the best version of me working as Midwest Regional Director

is not in Chicago.

It's right here in Pawnee.

How so?

The financial savings here are enormous.

The cost of living is way lower here,

and renting the entire third floor of this building

would be way cheaper than a much smaller space in Chicago.

Pawnee is actually closer to most of the parks in the Midwest region.

And, it's got Tom's Bistro,

an exciting, new-wave, Italian eatery,

that is equal parts Dean Martin and Bruno Mars.

But that is just what the Indianapolis Star is saying.

Let's see what everyone else has to say.

No, no. This is not what we're doing right now.

But congrats.

Leslie should stay here.

And if you don't agree with us,

it's nine against one and we can make you disappear forever.

What?

I said we have free WiFi.

Look, Pawnee is a town on the rise

and National Parks could get in on the ground floor.

It's the best option. Hands down.

Well, I'll run this up the flagpole.

Also, can you bring back Power Rangers?

I don't know what it is you do,

but you seem important enough to get that done.

Sometimes you have to make the hardest climb

to see the most beautiful sunrise.

I read that once on an old lady's decorative pillow.

But it is really how I feel today.

I've climbed a very weird and rocky mountain

and it was a pain in the ass and my legs are tired and I'm starving.

But the sun is rising over a sea

of love and waffles and possibility.

So I'm just gonna relax and take a deep breath

and enjoy this view for as long as I possibly can.

Call Ken and Rebecca

and no statements to the press

unless I personally release them.

We are on a media lockdown.

Where is Ed with the file? Ed!

I'm sorry, Miss Knope. I lost the file, it's gone.

Ed, you're a nice guy,

but you're the most incompetent person I've ever worked with.

And that includes Terry.

Jeez. Get it together, Terry.

Clean out your desk. You're fired.

I understand. Thank you for the literally

hundreds of opportunities you've given me.

Goodbye, everyone! It's been a great three years.

Cancel my flight to South Dakota. We'll do it next month.

Babe, what's our play here?

Everyone's waiting downstairs in my office.

Let's just go hear what they have to say.

Honey, tonight's your big night.

Well, this is more important.

Where are the kids?

Right here.

Hey, guys!

Mommy and Daddy have to do a little work

and you're going to have a fun play-date

with Uncle Andy and Auntie April, okay?

Let's go, munchkins. I forgot.

Ben, how many bags of marshmallows do I give them?

None. Just let April do everything.

Oh, God, one day in the distant future,

things will be calm and normal, right?

Probably not. But that's okay.

You ready? Not at all.

But that's never stopped us before.

Ripped By mstoll