Original subtitles

So, what have we got so far? We need big ticket items.

I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers to send us a signed guitar.

That's great. April, how did you do that?

It's a long story, but the short version is

I'm currently catfishing Anthony Kiedis.

We are throwing a charity auction

to raise money for the Unity Concert.

And we're going to need it, too.

If I'm going to perform Islands in the Stream

with the Sacagawea hologram.

Plus, we need lights, generators, microphones, water, that boring stuff, too.

Hey, maybe we should put a pin in this

because we have to do that thing?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay, all right. Just like...

Everybody, keep working. We'll be back.

Andy. Hey, you haven't told anyone about the baby, right?

No, but my brain is about to explode from stress.

I am not good at keeping secrets.

That's exactly what I told Kyle

when he told me his wife was cheating on him.

Andy, come on.

Ah! See. Oh!

Not cool, man.

Not him. Not that Kyle.

Okay, we are going to have a doctor's appointment

and then, after that, we can probably tell people.

So, just hang in there, please.

I can do this. People do this. People keep secrets.

My neighbor, Eric, he's kept a secret for 20 years.

He's in witness protection.

Okay.

Ripped By mstoll

You wanted to see me? Yes.

I need to ask you for a favor.

What? Ron Swanson asking for help?

Keep your voice down, woman!

Part of the Unity Concert

is a youth review about the history of Pawnee.

They require volunteers.

So, I want you to come with me

to my daughters'

public elementary school,

to help make costumes.

The elementary school.

I'll do you this solid,

but you're going to have to keep an eye out

for my ex-boyfriend, Joe.

He teaches music at that school

and he is a nightmare.

He's my Tammy.

Your Tammy?

Donna, my two ex-wives

are the worst people in the world.

Tammy Two once seduced a coroner

and had me declared legally dead

just so she could get a discount on a plane ticket.

When I'm with Joe,

he turns me into a person I don't like or recognize.

I go insane.

All I'm asking is for you to keep him away from me.

I understand this problem well

and agree to this exchange of services.

We need to raise a minimum of $30,000 from the auction,

or else the concert is going to be in trouble.

What else can we auction off?

What about those fish? You think they're valuable?

Cover me. Maybe you should start taking it easy.

You're stressing out for two now.

That's actually a pretty decent T-shirt idea.

Babe, I cannot slow down. The concert is in three weeks.

Look, I feel fine

and if you're worried,

we can just ask Dr. Saperstein what he thinks.

Someone say "Saperstein?" Come on, you two.

Let's settle you up and put some jelly on the belly.

That's a little weird. Mmm-hmm.

Look at me! Jesus.

Okay, here's what's happening.

I want to auction off a personalized Johnny Karate song tomorrow,

so I need you to come to the auction.

Auction? Okay, yeah, let me write that down.

Andy, you already have three Johnny Karate shows tomorrow.

No, not according to my file here.

Oh, I forgot. Other hand. Crap.

Okay, we need a better system.

Look, I'll just write down an itinerary for you

so you can just focus on songs.

Well, you have to catalog all this stuff.

I mean, this is hours' worth of work.

What is that? "Don't Tell Secret?"

Oh. No. That's not one.

Andy, if you have a secret, you have to tell me.

That's the whole point of marriage. You get twice the secrets.

Dude, it is nothing. I don't have anything.

I'm not acting weird, you're acting weird.

Excuse me. I have to get back to work now.

What are you doing?

I'm getting a picture of you volunteering at a public elementary school,

in case I ever need to blackmail you.

Uh. That's Joe. Twelve o'clock.

Donna. How are you?

It's really nice to see you.

Mmm-hmm. Thank you so much for helping out.

These kids are so lucky to have your fashion expertise.

Hello, Joe. My name is Ron Swanson.

I am Donna's work-proximity associate.

Oh, my gosh. Donna has told me so much about you.

It's nice to put a face to the name.

Mmm-hmm.

Whoop!

I've got to get back to my classroom.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Ron.

And if either of you guys need anything at all today,

please do not hesitate to ask. Okay?

I'm onto you, friend.

What? Tread lightly.

Okay.

Now, Ben wants me to slow down.

But I have this huge project coming up,

and slowing down isn't really my jam.

Your body is going through some changes.

But you're a healthy gal. Right, Leslie?

There is no reason for you not to be yourself.

I win.

It wasn't a competition.

All right. Let's see what's going down in baby town.

There's your healthy baby.

Oh, wow.

Oh! And there's another one.

The baby has two bodies?

Twins. Ben, we're having twins.

No, you're not. Because look who's hiding over here.

Triplets? Triplets?

And here's a fourth.

I'm so sorry. No, it's a little fleck of cream cheese on the screen.

Just triplets.

Wow. You guys really dodged a bullet.

Can you imagine raising four children at one time?

Ha! A nightmare.

Triplets.

Triplets.

I can't believe it. We knocked it out of the park on the first try.

If we do this right, we can be parents

to one third of the Supreme Court.

This is insane.

This is amazing.

I always knew we were one in a million,

and now we've got the proof.

Well, actually, one in eight thousand.

Triplets occur a lot more frequently than you imagine,

especially at your age.

Your body is prone to releasing multiple eggs.

It's what we doctors like to call,

and I don't mean to be insensitive,

a going-out-of-business sale.

So, Doctor, um, what do we...

Like, what do we do?

Like, what do we do?

How... How... How... How do we... How... How...

How... What do we do?

The first thing you do is you forget everything that I said before

because you, young lady, need a lot of rest

and especially avoiding stress.

Leslie, I need you to be Buddha on Quaaludes.

And Ben, you are Matthew McConaughey in a hammock, on the beach.

All right. All right. All right.

This is insane. Three kids?

I just multiplied all our future expenses by three,

and you know what happened?

The numbers got a lot higher.

I think I heard the computer laugh at me.

And Saperstein wants us to relax?

Are you ready to go, my gentle dove?

I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing.

And I love you.

We are so screwed.

Uh-oh.

What did you do now, Joe?

Thank you, so much.

We thought we were going to have to tell Dylan

that his doggie was gone forever.

Oh, my gosh. Barbara, don't even mention it.

Look, I hate it when my students are upset,

so I just went out driving around,

I checked a few neighborhood parks.

It took barely six hours.

Oh! How can we ever repay you?

No need.

Would you like a muffin? I made them last night.

It's the best muffin I've ever had.

You're welcome, guys. You're welcome.

So, whose birthday is it, anyway?

Ugh. Who knows?

I got so many kids from different women,

I just get all of their birthdays out of the way

one day a year.

Ladies.

Okay. So, when this ends,

we have a half hour to get to the next party.

That gives us 15 minutes of travel time

and 15 minutes for you to take a Wet-Nap shower in the car.

Good, I need one. Also, tell me your secret.

Babe, don't make me tell. I don't want to break my promise.

Tell me now.

Oh, jeez, this is heavy. Pardon me.

It's about Larry.

He is very sick. He has some kind of disease.

Oh!

So, that's why you've been so nice to him

and let him carry all your stuff.

Yes. That is the reason. Good call, babe.

Oh! Uh, jeez.

I'm so sorry. Sorry. Poor guy.

Hello, everyone. Thank you all for coming

to this wonderful and calm event.

Our first item up for bid is

two all-access VIP passes to the Unity Concert.

Let's start the bidding at 40 dollars.

Do I hear forty? Thank you, Forty.

We can beat this. Fifty? Anyone for fifty?

Fifty dollars. Thank you, sir.

Terrific. Any higher?

No? Well, that's fine.

We're all just calm and happy people

enjoying ourselves together on Earth.

Sold for 50 dollars. How magnificent.

Leslie, that's less than face value.

You need passion, zeal, showmanship.

I don't have the gavel, so I'm powerless.

I respect the hierarchy of the auction.

I think Leslie is doing a great job. Thank you, Craig.

Hey, are you doing all right? Yeah.

You want to do some tai chi? No, I'm totally fine.

Leslie is already the queen of stress.

So, I have to be like her stress ShamWow.

I wrap myself around her, I soak up all of her stress,

and then after the kids are born,

someone can squeeze me out into a bucket.

Ron! Ron, play with us!

Okay. Girls, Ron's got sharp tools now.

Ron. Ladies.

Eyes are watching Ears are listening

Lips are closed

Hands are still

Feet are very quiet You should really try it

Listen well Listen well

That was well-played.

Children their age respond positively to melody and rhyme.

They are great girls.

You must feel very lucky to be their stepdad.

I do. Indeed.

If you'll excuse me, Joe,

I have to finish hocking out the cheeks on these lap joints.

Oh. Maybe you could use this jig I made.

It's just a hardwood clamping block connected to a small piece of hackberry.

You could use it to locate your cuts for the inside shoulder

without having to reset the fence.

Without having to reset the fence.

Exactly.

Muffin?

Thirsty there, big guy?

Well, jeez. Yes, thank you so much.

Do you remember the time when you put sleeping pills in my soda?

I fell right over in the middle of a town hall meeting.

Mmm. No, I don't remember that.

You made a video of it and showed it at my birthday party.

Yes, it went over really big.

Well, I'm sorry.

Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

That's very sweet. Um...

I have got an itch that I have not been able to get to all day.

Not even against the wall. Nothing will do it.

Would you mind doing that? No, not at all.

If you could... Yeah... Okay, go up... Go up the back.

Hey, Ben. Can I just please tell just April?

I am hanging on by a thread over here.

No, just... Look. Everyone is healthy and fine,

but it's complicated. There's a lot going on.

So, just don't say anything to anyone about anything, forever. Okay?

Andy?

You can say "okay."

Oh, okay. Bye. I didn't mean to say bye.

Our next item up for bid is the naming rights for our children's tent.

So, let's start the bidding at $1,000 please.

I'll bid 100 bucks.

A thousand? Anyone want to...

Oh! Thank you, madam. A very wealthy and elegant looking woman,

with a diamond encrusted eye patch just raised her hand.

Don't look at her. She doesn't like attention. But she's there. She's real.

So, do I hear two thousand?

Yeah, here we go. The sheik has thrown his hat into the ring.

Well... There's no sheik.

It looks like we've got a real bidding war between...

There's no bidding war. No one's talking.

Because there's no sheik and there's no old lady with a...

What is it, a diamond eye patch?

Three thousand, says the gentleman with...

There's no three thousand. It's a hundred bucks.

It's my bid.

That is outrageous. That's the only bid out there, right now.

Naming rights for the kids' tent goes to Jamm Orthodontics

for 100 smackers.

Now, that is the steal of the day.

I think it's going great. You want a head massage?

Okay.

So, um, Andy told me what's going on.

Really? Oh, I was trying to keep it hush-hush.

You know, it's kind of embarrassing.

Well, if you ever need to talk to anyone, I'm here for you.

Like, you know, I'm here. Standing near you.

Earlier today, I was licking icing off of my finger and then,

boom, I swallowed my wedding ring

and I wish I could say it was the first time but...

Wait, wait, wait, wait. So, you're not, like, dying?

No. No. No. I mean, can it be painful? Sure.

But the good news is, I've gotten very good at passing it.

It's just a matter of getting out the old colander.

Come on. Pearl, jump in.

Don't make me pull the permits on your rental units.

Hey, all the paperwork on those buildings are under my dogs' names.

So, if you've got a problem, take it up with Princess.

Honey, why don't you take a whale-sounds break, okay?

I'll finish this up.

Guys, come on now. This is signed by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Just think about all their great songs,

covering everything from the culture of Southern California to

drug use in Southern California.

I'll bid thirty bucks.

This is easily worth $500.

Come on. Please, anyone.

We're just trying to raise some money for this concert,

so no one gets stressed out.

Fine, 50 and another win for old Herman.

Why would you erase the signatures?

I'm more of a Jack Johnson guy.

Okay, give it back.

If you want it so bad, bid on it!

I don't like the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

It's not even the original lineup.

Give it back!

Ben! It's okay. I'm fine. Stay relaxed.

Oh, my God. There is blood everywhere. Call a doctor!

No, call a coroner! It's disgusting!

You have very weak hands.

Why would you say that?

I was just making an observation.

Poor Ben.

You know the EMT said that if Flea had sent you his bass,

you could have lost a thumb.

I'm totally fine, babe.

Everything is A-okay, coolio beans.

You want to meditate real quick? No, we do not have time.

We have a concert to save.

Excuse me. He's feeling better.

He can go, right, Ann?

Damn it. I wonder if I'll ever stop doing that. Come on.

I honestly don't care, but I'm just going to say it,

I like Joe.

He's a nice man who's good with kids,

and he seems to be smart and patient.

I know. That's why he's my Tammy.

I'm a social butterfly.

When we're together, all we do is have sex,

sit on the couch, eat homemade pasta, have sex again.

Enough. He is constantly being respectful,

wanting to spend time with me,

trying to connect with me. It's a nightmare.

I become boring.

Live your life how you want,

but don't confuse drama with happiness.

So, I've been talking to Larry,

and he's definitely not dying.

Technically, we're all dying

unless you choose the right grail.

It's the dusty one.

Andy, I was nice to Larry.

I scratched his back.

I had a conversation with him. It was horrible.

How can you do that to me?

Fine. I'll tell you the secret.

Ben's dog is dying. Lie.

Ben is dying. He has the same disease Larry has.

Leslie is dying. No.

They're both dying. No.

I'm dying.

Chris and Ann are moving. They already moved.

They're moving again to Chinatown in France.

No. Okay, fine.

Do you really want to know? Yes.

Leslie is a spy. No.

Tom has something wrong with his butt. Oh, my God.

What? Did you hear that? They need an encore.

Honey, they want... The kids want an encore. I'm sorry.

What song should we do? You want to do Toots?

I hope you don't mind, but I noticed that your

right rear tire was a little flat.

So, I patched it and I inflated it for you.

But you're still going to want to go to a garage because...

I like to do things. Excuse me.

Museums, opera, night clubs.

Sometimes, I disappear for a day or two because I'm fly fishing

or I'm at a Seattle Sounders game.

I promise not to cheat on you

if you promise not to try to pin me down too fast.

I have no problem with that.

You can take me to dinner. Friday.

I have only one request, that you wear that red thing.

I'll wear that red thing when you deserve to see me in that red thing.

I'm gonna go make some muffins.

Okay, there are still plenty of ways

to raise money for the concert, right?

Maybe we'll win the lottery.

I mean, hey, you're looking at a woman

who just hit triple cherries in her uterus.

We're screwed. No, we're not.

We have three weeks until the concert. It will be fine.

No, not the concert. The triple cherries.

I mean, of course it's the most amazing and wonderful thing

to ever happen but...

I am an accountant, and I am looking at cold, hard facts.

Raising three kids is going to cost two million dollars.

Babe, our kids will be geniuses,

they'll get scholarships.

Half of my tuition was paid for

by the Indiana Scholarship

for Pretty Blondes Who Like to Read.

It's now called the Virgina Woolf Prize. Different time.

Leslie, I have been trying so hard not to stress you out,

but we just spent our entire savings account on a trip to Paris.

What were we thinking? We spent too much money on macaroons.

Hey, honey. Okay, wait.

What's the number for the Louvre? Maybe I can get a refund.

We barely looked at the Mona Lisa.

Honey, can you just breathe for a second?

Leslie, these numbers are going to determine everything

for the rest of our lives.

Breathe. Maybe we should move

because we could make more money, or maybe we should stay here

because it's cheaper to live here than in Chicago.

Oh, my God, I'm ShamWow-ing all of your stress

and there's no one here to wring me out.

Benjamin Wyatt... I don't even know...

The man of my dreams. The one that I love.

Leslie, we are in trouble here.

We are in real trouble.

What?

You just look so crazy right now, but cute.

You're always stressed out. How are you calm right now?

Because I realized something.

Everything that we have been through,

the Harvest Festival, the election, the recall,

the merger, Ann leaving,

Larry changing his name for some stupid reason.

All of it has just been preparation for this.

I am immune to stress because I have you.

Come on. I have an idea.

Ron is King Sparkle of Cupcake Forest.

Much obliged.

So, I'm going to dinner with Joe next week.

Glad to hear it.

It's always nice to see someone

actually change for the better.

Yes. Joe seems like a good man,

but at this point, I am done talking about him.

I was talking about you.

Your family has made you a more patient and empathetic person.

You take that back.

Come on, Swanson.

Did you think even two years ago

you'd be playing matchmaker for me,

while wearing a glittery crown?

Now you're a dad, you care a little itty bit about your friends,

you're King Sparkle of Cupcake Forest.

It suits you.

Andy. The camo is not working. I can see you.

Damn. Really? Yes.

Babe, you don't have to hide from me.

I don't care about the secret anymore, okay?

I just thought when we got married

we would share everything,

but if you really can't tell me or whatever, it's fine. I trust you.

It's just that it's a really big secret.

And for once, I wanted to keep my word.

But screw it, you're more important than anything.

I'm going to tell you because it's super juicy.

You ready? Okay.

Everybody, if you could gather around.

They're here. Don't try to get it out of me now.

The reason I have been acting so weird

is not because I've been waiting for the results

of the soil samples to come back.

Jeez, I've been up all night trying to make sure...

It doesn't matter, Larry.

It was a pointless ruse, designed to waste time.

The truth is

I'm pregnant.

Yes! I did it! I kept a secret.

Congratulations.

I'm sure you will both raise a wonderful child

with whom I will profoundly disagree on nearly everything.

Well, actually, uh, and this is crazy, but it's children.

Plural. We're having triplets...

And I'm a little freaked out about it.

That's amazing. Babe, I'm so glad you didn't tell me.

I know. I'm incredible.

Okay. Now, listen to me, you two.

Gayle and I have kept everything our girls ever used.

So, we have millions of clothes and strollers and...

Just don't buy a thing, okay?

A triple crib sounds like an interesting woodworking challenge.

Do you like oak or pine?

I'll make both and you can choose.

My boy... My friend, Joe, has the hookup at all the good pre-schools.

Andy and I can babysit anytime.

Except for on weekends and nights,

but we're free anytime during work hours.

This is going to be the happiest time of your life.

Well, I sold everything on the auction list,

no thanks to you people.

What's so wonderful that you're all celebrating

while I do all the hard work?

We're having triplets.

Oh, great. First, my cousin, Wynona,

gets into a car accident

the night my one-man show opens and now this?

Why are my accomplishments always overshadowed?

Congratulations, I suppose.

That's nice of him.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll take that. Yeah.

Ripped By mstoll