All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S06E19 - Flu Season 2 (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Okay, Martin,
show us what you got.

Okay,
so, I'm Quentin Tarantino.

And I'm casting a movie.

And I wanna put John
Malkovich in that movie.

Quentin,
I'd be happy to be in your movie.

But I want my friend
Tommy to be in it, too.

I
don't wanna be in your movie.

I hate movies.

Because I'm Tommy Lee Jones.

Ah!

Who are any of those people?

Thank you, Martin.
Also, I'm George W. Bush.

That's good.

We are holding auditions
for the local talent stage

at the Unity Concert.

This is the last task
I need to accomplish

before I can move forward

and take on the bigger
questions in my life.

I hate tasks that
are uncompleted.

I live for the check marks

in columns indicating
the completion of tasks.

Are we done here?

Great.

That feels good.

This is
a slam poem that I wrote.

And I am speaking the slam poem
to you right now with my mouth.

I cannot tell the
difference between

what's supposed
to be slam poetry

and what's just him talking.

I know.

My second slam poem is called "My
Second Slam Poem by Perd Hapley, "

by Perd Hapley.

Ripped By mstoll

I'd have to check, but I'm
pretty sure we can handle that.

I do have one question.

Hold on.

Oh, my God.

Andy! Oh, my...
Sorry.

Andy. Are you getting sick?

I don't think so.
Don't get sick.

Take more vitamin C.

Copy that. Vitamin C.

Is that the Fred one
or the Barney one?

It's flu season again,

and I cannot get sick.
I have too much work to do.

Unfortunately, Pawnee is like

a breeding ground for disease

due to our poor hygiene
habits and raccoon density.

It's deeply ingrained
in our town's history.

We used to crown
Miss Influenza every year.

The CDC called the pageant
"ethically reprehensible".

Stock up on Kleenex. Don't touch your face.
Don't touch anything.

People are dropping like flies.

We already had to
quarantine Larry.

Leslie, I don't feel good.

Can't I just work from home?

The tent is your
home now, Larry.

We already forwarded your mail.

Oh, well, here's something that's
going to make you feel really good.

Guess who I just secured as the
headliner for the Unity Concert.

Chipp McCapp!
No!

Yes!
Nice!

Wait, no, I don't want
to touch your hand. Wow!

Who's Chipp McCapp?

Chipp McCapp is the most amazing

17-year-old country singer
in the entire world.

He's like Indiana's sweetheart.

We are huge Chippmunks.

That's what his
fans call themselves.

I don't know why. Chippmunks.
Because of the animal?

No, that's too simple.
Yeah. Okay.

His latest song,

Beautiful Like My Mom parentheses

Has, like, two million
hits on YouTube.

She don't care about
no fancy trends

She's just a mom
from old South Bend

Get home safe, boys, and thank
you for protecting our freedom.

Let's play it again.
Play it again.

Donna, April, wine country train

is leaving the station.
You ready?

Yes. Donna, if you drive us
there, I will get very drunk.

Deal? Fine, but we're listening

to Jodeci nonstop.

Today at a local vineyard,

a bunch of sommeliers,
AKA wine experts,

are competing for
their certification.

I'm going to hire the best
one at my new restaurant.

Tom's Bistro.

People that convince
other people to buy

expensive stuff they don't need.

Those are the real heroes.

I want to come. I love wine
and everything about it.

The soil, the vines.

I studied botany for three
years at Purdue University.

Go, Boilermakers!

There will be alcohol there,
so I will go, as well.

Well, maybe I'll tag along.

I don't have any
more work to do.

Maybe it will be relaxing.

I didn't invite any of you.

I started with two cool people

and I ended up with
a bunch of grandpas.

Listen, grandpas.

When we get to the vineyard,

there'll be a lot of
fancy people there.

Please, I beg you,
don't embarrass me.

How would we embarrass you?

You're already doing it.
I begged you.

I love making cards and
putting them in the slots.

Task completed.
Nice.

I guess, now that we've got
Chipp McCapp as our headliner,

I can get rid of my
awesome wish list.

Yeah,
those are long shots.

"Bob Dylan's friends"?

I just thought maybe they
could get Bob Dylan to come.

Land Ho. God, I love them.
Everybody does.

But there's no way they're
getting back together.

Their lead singer
split 10 years ago.

He titled their last
album We'll Never Reunite.

Leslie? No! Back in
your tent, sicky.

I'm sorry, but Chipp
McCapp's manager called.

- He has to drop out.
- No!

Okay, we need all hands on deck.

There are no hands to be on deck

because everybody's
at the winery.

Okay, Andy, you and I
need to handle this.

We need to be
operating at maximum...

Oh, no.

Damn it, Larry!

Sorry.

Xander, my man-der.
Tom Haverford.

Owner, operator, and global
ambassador for Tom's Bistro,

opening this spring in Pawnee.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Damn. Look at that
tie dimple. Respect.

My main target for Tom's Bistro?
Xander Truffant.

He's the best young
somm in the game.

I don't say this lightly.

He's basically the Bruno Mars of
Indiana amateur wine tasting.

If you'll excuse me, I must prepare
for the tasting competition.

I pour saline
water through my nose

to clear the mucus
from my smell centers.

That is the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.

Oh, man. It costs $200
to get certified.

I wanted to make fun of stupid
people while I get drunk.

My two true passions.

You want to futz with these fools?
I will bankroll you.

Really?
Oh, hell, yeah, pimp.

Sounds like fun.

Thank you.

April Ludgate,
professional drinker.

Uh, where did you
study, Ms. Ludgate?

The Wine Academy.

The Wine Academy?
In Bordeaux?

Yes.

Carol, make sure
she's in Group A.

Uh, excuse me.
I want in, too.

I know I don't look the part,

but I know everything about
wine and I will prove it.

My name is Craig Middlebrooks,

and this is my
debit rewards card.

Why wouldn't you run
this by me first, Dad?

Whatever.

Sorry, just weird
family business.

Sounds private. No need
to discuss it with me.

My parents had this small, little
vacation house on Lake Hubbard.

And now, they've sold it without
telling the rest of us.

Did you not hear me say there was
no need to discuss it with me?

My dad sent me this check out of the blue.
My share of the profits.

It's so disrespectful to
the family structure...

Maybe a drink will help.

Put some alcohol in your mouth

to block the words
from coming out.

Some of our blueberry wine?

We make it right
here at the vineyard.

I don't drink alcohol from that
portion of the color spectrum.

Hey!
Whoa, that's strong.

Holy hell,
that's a lot of alcohol.

We will take four bottles,
please, and thank you.

We really need
Chipp McCapp because

he is the headliner
to our whole concert.

All we need to do is
go to Indianapolis,

convince Chipp
to do the festival

and then, you know, head home.

Are you sure you're feeling
up for this, boss?

I mean, if you have
to puke in my car,

it's totally okay,
I do it all the time.

I'm fine. I've had the flu before,
and I've worked through it.

We just need to go to the
pharmacy, and I'll power through.

Okay. Well, if you do collapse,
luckily, I know first aid.

Or karate.

That's not first aid.

It is if you do it right.

Heimlich!

Oh, I guess while
you get your medicine,

I'll just stroll through the
candy aisles, but won't get any.

You can buy two candies.

Two?

Can I help you?
I have the flu.

Super-nauseated for a few
days, a lot of barfing.

It's a total disaster.

Plus, I have a ton of work to
do, so I need the good stuff.

The Mariah-needs-
to-sing-tonight stuff.

You don't look flushed,
no signs of fever.

That just doesn't
seem like the flu.

Oh!

Could be aseptic meningitis.

What is that?
Is that bad?

It'd mean you have,
like, an hour to live.

What?
It's probably not that.

Sorry, it's my first day.

No, it's the flu. I mean, I don't
think it could be anything...

This counts as one.

Hey, Ron.

Can I just vent for a sec?

You may vent for as long as it takes
me to drink this bottle of wine.

Okay, I'm so mad at my parents.

I mean, they both wanted the
house for Columbus Day weekend,

and they fought so much,
they decided to

just sell it to
spite each other.

Which, I mean,
think about how...

Stop talking.

You know, you are
a wonderful guy,

and I admire many
things about you.

But you're a terrible person to
discuss personal problems with.

Thank you, friend. That
really means a lot to me.

Dry, medium acidity,

medium-plus finish.

Pumpkin, undertones of lavender.
Medium-plus body.

It's mostly pumpkin.

There's so much pumpkin, it's like
a Charlie Brown Halloween special.

I'm getting notes of
dried robin's blood,

old, dirty cashews from your
grandfather's basement,

and just a hint of
a robot's bathwater.

Ugh!

That one sucks.

An old world wine.
Italian.

It's a Verdicchio
Doc Classico, 2010.

Wait, sorry,
this is embarrassing.

2011.

It's new world. Northern
California, Napa Valley.

Some place beautiful
and warm and amazing

where everyone is in great shape

and the night sky
is full of stars!

This comes from
your mother's butt.

Possibly your father's butt.

Oh, actually, wait, never mind,
this is so embarrassing.

This comes from John McEnroe's
butt from the year 3055.

Man, you were in
the bathroom forever.

The receptionist said that Chipp
will be out in just a second.

But check it out, I made all the
little coffee pods they had.

Good work, Andy.
Uh, I just need a minute.

I'm going to call
Ben about nothing.

No problem. Take your time.
I've got my hands full.

My parents make me
so mad sometimes.

Just like the time they couldn't
decide who gets the dog,

so they just dropped it off
at the local synagogue.

I was, like,
"Say what?"

Hold on, Ron. Hold that thought.
Just for a sec.

- Hey, honey.
- Hey.

Uh, it's your me.
It's wife.

It's Leslie. Knope.

I have very big news for you.

Oh, well, my teeth
are blue. Blueberries...

What? Are you
having a stroke?

I was just saying to Ron
that my dog's Jewish.

Oh. Phone water.

Ben? Hello?

Hello? Hi. Leslie?

Hello?

It's dead.

It's as dead as Stanley Kubrick.

I miss them both so much, Ron.

You know, Leslie sounded weird.

I don't want to wait for Tom.
I want to walk home.

I'll join you. I'm always
game for a brisk walk.

Also, if I leave you alone,
I'm pretty sure you'll die.

Home is that way.

Watch out for that fence.

Who's that guy making
moves on Xander?

I don't know, but he's real fancy.
He's speaking French.

You know I picked up
a little French-Canadian

when I dated that Montreal Expo.

Ah, Mister Haverford.

Allow me to introduce
Terrence Montreaux.

He is a restaurateur
like yourself.

You own a restaurant, too?

No, monsieur. I own 12.

I am here to find the best
sommeliers as soon as they are,

how you say, certified.

That was my idea.

That is everyone's idea.

That is why we have this,
how do you say, thing.

Okay, don't act like you
don't know the word "thing."

With a filet mignon,
I'd recommend a red.

Something bold and dry,
like David Sedaris.

Perhaps you could recommend
a Riesling instead.

Not if you're
eating steak, you loon.

You know in the movies,
when the cops show up

and find lipstick on a wine
glass next to a dead body?

This is that wine.

I'll bring the
girls You bring the beer

And the troops
will bring the freedom

We're sorry to
interrupt, Chipp. Hi.

We just wanted to say we are such big fans.
It's an honor to meet you.

Yeah. Well,
I'm very blessed.

And it's always nice to meet my
amazing fans who keep me going.

You're the real superstars.

Thank you.

Can somebody give me
one of those LunchStacks?

And stack them for me this time.

Cheese on top,
or no one gets paid.

You got it, Chipp.

That's my dad.
Guy's such an idiot.

We wanted to talk to you

about the Unity
Concert in Pawnee.

You said you were going to do
it, but then said you weren't.

We really want you to do it.

So...

Can you do it?
Yeah.

Uh, no. I'm sorry, I got a previous
engagement. It's a bummer.

Oh.

Here you go, Chipp.

Well, look at that.
The cheese is on top.

Of turkey.
You dick. I want ham.

Sorry, son.
They were out of ham.

All right, well, maybe I should
just let Mom be manager, then?

Pick them up, Skipp.

This guy's the worst.

I mean, it sucks that
they didn't have ham.

But you can't treat
your dad like that.

I know. He's a monster.
But we need him.

Your job's not that hard, okay?
Just anticipate my needs.

Anticipating, Chipp.

Of the 25 entrants today,

only one has deemed himself worthy
of a sommelier certificate.

Oh, my God.
Are you sure? No way.

Oh, my God. Thank you.
Thank you so much, everyone.

I think we can agree that
all wine tastes the same.

And if you spend
more than $5 on wine,

- you are very stupid.
- Security.

I just want to thank all the
people that got me here.

Norbit, uh, Pluto Nash,
all the Klumps.

Congratulations to the next
Indiana Master Sommelier,

Xander Truffant.

I've got to go talk to Xander
before Terrence gets to him.

Cover me.
Got you.

Oh, my goodness.
Mon Dieu!

Xander.
Yeah.

Look. Tom's Bistro is
going to be the dopest,

quite possibly trillest
restaurant in the area.

What do you say?
You want to work with me?

Thank you, but I've already accepted
an offer from Monsieur Montreaux.

I'll double whatever
he's paying you.

You'll pay me $500,000 a year?

I will pay you one-tenth
of whatever he's paying you.

Sorry.

Aw, man, this wine bottle
is all out of the wine.

Well, hello, gentlemen.

What brings you out
on this fine evening?

Mother.

Whoa! Where'd you come from?

Uh, that's a
complicated question.

All depends on whether your conception
of time is linear or circular.

What?

Hello, Ron.
Ron.

You know this hobo?

He was my counterpart from the
Eagleton Parks Department.

Dude. Are you a ghost?

Am I?

What is happening right now?

We know that you have that
important other engagement...

Yo, I gots to get
that haircut. Snip!

It's not just Pawnee that needs you.
It's the entire region.

Permission to speak, son?

Pawnee is kind of the gateway
to that whole region.

They do buy a lot of albums.

They sure ain't buying toothpaste.
Bunch of dirty hicks.

What if we fly me
in and out same day,

so I wouldn't have to spend
a night in your crap town?

Excuse me.
Pawnee is a good town.

With good people
from all walks of life.

Plus, it is an amazing place to
raise kids and start a family.

You think I care about that?

Look. I can do whatever I want.
All right?

If I want to shoot a paintball gun
at my dad, I'm going to do it.

Good shot, son.
I'm proud of you.

You're crazy. This is over. Okay?
Pawnee does not need you.

And you should know that, when
you shook my hand earlier,

there was pee on my palms.

That makes us sound like hicks.
We're not. Shut up. Stupid.

Okay. Let's go, Andy.

You get pee-palm, too?
Every time! Shh!

You know what? That was awesome.
You were great.

I thought you were going to
punch that kid's lights out.

It was not awesome.

I lost our headliner,
I can't stop throwing up,

and Ben has not
called me back yet.

I'm sorry I'm so frazzled.

There's just a lot of
things going on right now.

Personal things that I
can't talk to you about.

You know, Leslie, sometimes
life throws us crazy curves.

And yes, this moment may
be the biggest curve

you've ever had to deal with.

But just because your
family is getting bigger

does not mean that
you can't handle it.

You and Ben can handle anything.

Wow!

Andy, thank you.

That's exactly what I
needed to hear right now.

God, it's so weird that you know
that I'm pregnant before Ben does.

Pregnant?
Holy crap! Leslie!

Yeah. What did you think?

I thought you
were getting a dog.

Why did you go like this?

That's a sign for petting a dog
that's sitting on your lap.

Pregnant? Wow!

Oh, that's amazing.

Andy, I think we need to focus on the
fact that we have lost our headliner.

We are out of options.
It's time for a Hail Mary.

Scott Tanner, the lead singer of
Land Ho, he lives in Pawnee, right?

I love him. I'm sure
he knows Bob Dylan,

but I don't know
if they're friends.

No, what if we go to him and
beg him to reunite Land Ho?

For one night only.
Let's do it.

Waitress, you mind boxing
all this up, please?

Put it in a doggy bag.

She's gettin' a dog!

Sorry, I'm pretty
drunk. Um.

Where are we?

Well, that's the
big question, isn't it?

We're in Indiana.
Can we go, please?

Mr. Ron Dunn,

I have something
I'm very angry about,

but other Ron isn't helping me.

I can tell by the
indigo on your Chiclets

that you've been
drinking blueberry wine.

That's a good start.

The Wamapoke called
it "mattapiqua."

They believed it
had mystical powers.

Yeah, it also tastes like jelly.

So what's got your goat,
there, friend?

My parents, they
had this lake house,

and they sold it
without telling me.

And so I was like,
"Why?" You know?

I was like,
"God, you guys!"

Oh. You're hanging onto that
anger for dear life, compadre.

That's no way to live.

Let's role-play.

I'll be your father.

And, Ron, you take
the role of Ben's anger.

Perfecto.

Well, goodnight, everyone.

I'm going to go home
and feel totally fine.

Who am I kidding?
I'm going to go home,

put on a Macy Gray album,
and cry in the mirror!

Why are you bummed?

Yeah, we got drunk and made fun of
a bunch of snobs. It was amazing.

Are you all blind? I want
that job at Tom's Bistro.

I've been trying to show you
for the last five hours.

You want the job? But you
already work at Parks.

You can only afford a
part-time sommelier anyway.

I mean, this is southern
Indiana, not the Loire Valley.

Look, man, you know your stuff,

but you're like a crazy volcano.

You'd have to show me you
can bring it down a notch.

I'll bring it down
1,000 notches if I have to!

How are we going to convince
this guy to reunite Land Ho?

Same way I got a perfect
score on the SATs.

Broken Scantron machine.

Okay, wait. Andy, that is
not a good strategy, okay?

I will give him a brief explanation
about the Unity Concert.

And you stand by.
Stand by.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Hello?
Scott Tanner.

It's Scott Tanner.

Ah... Hi. My name's Andy.

And this barfing lady
over here is Leslie.

We just need 10 minutes
of your time.

To do what?

To convince you
to reunite Land Ho.

Listen, it means a lot to me
that you guys loved the band.

And I'm going to tell
you the exact same thing

I've told everyone who has
ever asked us to reunite.

No.

Listen, I know that
you and the band

aren't on the best
of terms right now.

But bringing people
together is exactly

what we want to
talk to you about.

Hold that. Hold that down at the bottom.
Yeah. Yeah.

This looks like it's going
to be a great concert.

The band just does
not play anymore.

Well, I understand.

Excuse me.
I'm sorry.

My stomach is
trying to murder me.

You still drunk from last night?
I've been there.

You know, this town
still loves you.

I'm in a band myself,
actually. Mouse Rat.

And we cover about five of your
songs and they just go nuts.

Really? Which ones?

Catapult me into the sun

And I'll burn, baby, burn

Oh, yeah.

Johnny Karate?

I thought you said
your name was Andy.

Oh, yeah, it is. I'm also
a children's performer.

He played at Joey's
birthday and he's awesome.

Sing Karate Chop Master.

I'll do it as long as
your dad sings along.

It's easy.
You'll pick it up.

Karate chop master
I'm a karate chop master

And I will karate chop you

Chop, chop, chop, chop
Kick, kick, kick, kick, chop

Scott, you sing.

Chop, chop, kick, kick
Kick, kick, kick, kick, chop

No. Just listen to me.

Chop and a chop and a
kick-kick-kick-kick chop

And tighten the throat
And chop-a-kick chop

Now, your turn.

Chop, chop, kick, kick, chop

Harmony! Oh, my God!

Chop, chop, kick
Chop, kick-kick-kick

And a chop and a kick
and a kick and a...

No.

No. It's not... You didn't...
I mean... Just listen.

Good evening. May I assist
you with a wine tonight?

Yeah. I'm having fish,
so maybe a full-bodied red?

You know, sir, you
might want to consider

something white to
go with your fish.

No. Red.

And bring some ice cubes.

I like ice cubes in my red wine.

I'll have a glass of your
most expensive red wine

mixed with a glass of
your cheapest white wine,

served in a dog bowl.

And silly straws
all around, please.

I'll be right back
with my recommendations.

He seems to be
keeping it together.

What kind of
monster orders red with fish?

I know they're messing with
me and it's just a test,

but have some decency!

Can you hear everything people
say in that conference room?

I've been taking what I thought
were private phone calls.

I've heard everything.

I know all about the car
dealership in Tampa.

If you tell anyone...

Okay.

For you, sir, a light, crisp
Pinot with just a hint of lemon

to bring out the
flavors in your fish.

I brought you a bold Cabernet,

which should still taste
okay when watered down.

And for you, madam, would
you consider this rose?

It's halfway between
red and white.

Thanks very much.
Enjoy.

I think I may have
found my new sommelier.

That was so embarrassing!

We'll have to make sure the wine
cellar at Tom's Bistro is soundproof.

That was amazing.

That was ridiculous.

That was beautiful.

You're surrendering
to the Earth Mother.

Now, stare into the fire and
picture your spirit animal.

I don't know what
my spirit animal is.

Because it doesn't exist

because that's nonsense
because you're an adult.

Baby snow owl.

He's right.

Our spirit animals connect
us to the natural world.

You need to remain
open to their message.

Watch.

Welcome back, old friend.

Whoa!

If you really want to cleanse
yourself of that anger,

take that check and
send it into the flames.

And up into the air
with your screams.

Do not burn that check.
It is money.

No. Ron is right, Ron.

There, there, baby snow owl.

You're safe now.

Take it easy, Chipp.

Hey, check it out. Scott Tanner just
posted to the band's old website

that Land Ho is
playing the Unity Concert.

People are going crazy. We've
sold 500 tickets so far!

God, Andy, that's so great.
You really saved the day.

Especially since I threw
up in that guy's piano.

You got it, boss.
We got your back.

Now you need to get home.

You and Ben have
some planning to do.

Yeah.

You're gonna need
a cage, a water bowl.

Right. Thanks.
You have a good vet?

Tick medicine.

This is him right here.

I'll also get out here and walk home.
You sure?

This thing runs on vegetable
oil and bat guano.

Actually cleans
the air as it drives.

Quite sure. Thank you.

Hey.

Thank you for
helping me with my anger.

Brother, the greatest
journey you'll ever know

is this one we call life.

You've already
emerged from your cocoon.

Now the question is,
will you fly?

Yeah, I don't feel any better.
I'm still angry. Damn it.

I don't know why this lake house
thing is driving me so crazy.

Sorry we couldn't help you
work through your problems.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got a lady,
two little girls,

and an infant waiting for me.

It's always nice to see the
kids at the end of a long day.

Really puts things
in perspective.

Oh, my God. Ben, I have
so much to tell you.

We got Land Ho to
play the Unity Concert.

Whoa! What happened to you?

It doesn't matter.

I thought I was upset because
my parents are insane.

But Ron kind of just
showed me the real reason.

I have so many childhood
memories at that lake house

that, in the back of my mind, I
always pictured taking my kids,

or taking our kids there.

I want to start our family.

I mean, I know things are crazy,
but there's no good time.

And I want to do it. Now.

Well, buddy, I've got
some good news for you.

Ripped By mstoll