Original subtitles

Okay, Martin, show us what you got.

Okay, so, I'm Quentin Tarantino.

And I'm casting a movie.

And I wanna put John Malkovich in that movie.

Quentin, I'd be happy to be in your movie.

But I want my friend Tommy to be in it, too.

I don't wanna be in your movie.

I hate movies.

Because I'm Tommy Lee Jones.

Ah!

Who are any of those people?

Thank you, Martin. Also, I'm George W. Bush.

That's good.

We are holding auditions for the local talent stage

at the Unity Concert.

This is the last task I need to accomplish

before I can move forward

and take on the bigger questions in my life.

I hate tasks that are uncompleted.

I live for the check marks

in columns indicating the completion of tasks.

Are we done here?

Great.

That feels good.

This is a slam poem that I wrote.

And I am speaking the slam poem to you right now with my mouth.

I cannot tell the difference between

what's supposed to be slam poetry

and what's just him talking.

I know.

My second slam poem is called "My Second Slam Poem by Perd Hapley, "

by Perd Hapley.

Ripped By mstoll

I'd have to check, but I'm pretty sure we can handle that.

I do have one question.

Hold on.

Oh, my God.

Andy! Oh, my... Sorry.

Andy. Are you getting sick?

I don't think so. Don't get sick.

Take more vitamin C.

Copy that. Vitamin C.

Is that the Fred one or the Barney one?

It's flu season again,

and I cannot get sick. I have too much work to do.

Unfortunately, Pawnee is like

a breeding ground for disease

due to our poor hygiene habits and raccoon density.

It's deeply ingrained in our town's history.

We used to crown Miss Influenza every year.

The CDC called the pageant "ethically reprehensible".

Stock up on Kleenex. Don't touch your face. Don't touch anything.

People are dropping like flies.

We already had to quarantine Larry.

Leslie, I don't feel good.

Can't I just work from home?

The tent is your home now, Larry.

We already forwarded your mail.

Oh, well, here's something that's going to make you feel really good.

Guess who I just secured as the headliner for the Unity Concert.

Chipp McCapp! No!

Yes! Nice!

Wait, no, I don't want to touch your hand. Wow!

Who's Chipp McCapp?

Chipp McCapp is the most amazing

17-year-old country singer in the entire world.

He's like Indiana's sweetheart.

We are huge Chippmunks.

That's what his fans call themselves.

I don't know why. Chippmunks. Because of the animal?

No, that's too simple. Yeah. Okay.

His latest song,

Beautiful Like My Mom parentheses

Has, like, two million hits on YouTube.

She don't care about no fancy trends

She's just a mom from old South Bend

Get home safe, boys, and thank you for protecting our freedom.

Let's play it again. Play it again.

Donna, April, wine country train

is leaving the station. You ready?

Yes. Donna, if you drive us there, I will get very drunk.

Deal? Fine, but we're listening

to Jodeci nonstop.

Today at a local vineyard,

a bunch of sommeliers, AKA wine experts,

are competing for their certification.

I'm going to hire the best one at my new restaurant.

Tom's Bistro.

People that convince other people to buy

expensive stuff they don't need.

Those are the real heroes.

I want to come. I love wine and everything about it.

The soil, the vines.

I studied botany for three years at Purdue University.

Go, Boilermakers!

There will be alcohol there, so I will go, as well.

Well, maybe I'll tag along.

I don't have any more work to do.

Maybe it will be relaxing.

I didn't invite any of you.

I started with two cool people

and I ended up with a bunch of grandpas.

Listen, grandpas.

When we get to the vineyard,

there'll be a lot of fancy people there.

Please, I beg you, don't embarrass me.

How would we embarrass you?

You're already doing it. I begged you.

I love making cards and putting them in the slots.

Task completed. Nice.

I guess, now that we've got Chipp McCapp as our headliner,

I can get rid of my awesome wish list.

Yeah, those are long shots.

"Bob Dylan's friends"?

I just thought maybe they could get Bob Dylan to come.

Land Ho. God, I love them. Everybody does.

But there's no way they're getting back together.

Their lead singer split 10 years ago.

He titled their last album We'll Never Reunite.

Leslie? No! Back in your tent, sicky.

I'm sorry, but Chipp McCapp's manager called.

- He has to drop out. - No!

Okay, we need all hands on deck.

There are no hands to be on deck

because everybody's at the winery.

Okay, Andy, you and I need to handle this.

We need to be operating at maximum...

Oh, no.

Damn it, Larry!

Sorry.

Xander, my man-der. Tom Haverford.

Owner, operator, and global ambassador for Tom's Bistro,

opening this spring in Pawnee.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Damn. Look at that tie dimple. Respect.

My main target for Tom's Bistro? Xander Truffant.

He's the best young somm in the game.

I don't say this lightly.

He's basically the Bruno Mars of Indiana amateur wine tasting.

If you'll excuse me, I must prepare for the tasting competition.

I pour saline water through my nose

to clear the mucus from my smell centers.

That is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Oh, man. It costs $200 to get certified.

I wanted to make fun of stupid people while I get drunk.

My two true passions.

You want to futz with these fools? I will bankroll you.

Really? Oh, hell, yeah, pimp.

Sounds like fun.

Thank you.

April Ludgate, professional drinker.

Uh, where did you study, Ms. Ludgate?

The Wine Academy.

The Wine Academy? In Bordeaux?

Yes.

Carol, make sure she's in Group A.

Uh, excuse me. I want in, too.

I know I don't look the part,

but I know everything about wine and I will prove it.

My name is Craig Middlebrooks,

and this is my debit rewards card.

Why wouldn't you run this by me first, Dad?

Whatever.

Sorry, just weird family business.

Sounds private. No need to discuss it with me.

My parents had this small, little vacation house on Lake Hubbard.

And now, they've sold it without telling the rest of us.

Did you not hear me say there was no need to discuss it with me?

My dad sent me this check out of the blue. My share of the profits.

It's so disrespectful to the family structure...

Maybe a drink will help.

Put some alcohol in your mouth

to block the words from coming out.

Some of our blueberry wine?

We make it right here at the vineyard.

I don't drink alcohol from that portion of the color spectrum.

Hey! Whoa, that's strong.

Holy hell, that's a lot of alcohol.

We will take four bottles, please, and thank you.

We really need Chipp McCapp because

he is the headliner to our whole concert.

All we need to do is go to Indianapolis,

convince Chipp to do the festival

and then, you know, head home.

Are you sure you're feeling up for this, boss?

I mean, if you have to puke in my car,

it's totally okay, I do it all the time.

I'm fine. I've had the flu before, and I've worked through it.

We just need to go to the pharmacy, and I'll power through.

Okay. Well, if you do collapse, luckily, I know first aid.

Or karate.

That's not first aid.

It is if you do it right.

Heimlich!

Oh, I guess while you get your medicine,

I'll just stroll through the candy aisles, but won't get any.

You can buy two candies.

Two?

Can I help you? I have the flu.

Super-nauseated for a few days, a lot of barfing.

It's a total disaster.

Plus, I have a ton of work to do, so I need the good stuff.

The Mariah-needs- to-sing-tonight stuff.

You don't look flushed, no signs of fever.

That just doesn't seem like the flu.

Oh!

Could be aseptic meningitis.

What is that? Is that bad?

It'd mean you have, like, an hour to live.

What? It's probably not that.

Sorry, it's my first day.

No, it's the flu. I mean, I don't think it could be anything...

This counts as one.

Hey, Ron.

Can I just vent for a sec?

You may vent for as long as it takes me to drink this bottle of wine.

Okay, I'm so mad at my parents.

I mean, they both wanted the house for Columbus Day weekend,

and they fought so much, they decided to

just sell it to spite each other.

Which, I mean, think about how...

Stop talking.

You know, you are a wonderful guy,

and I admire many things about you.

But you're a terrible person to discuss personal problems with.

Thank you, friend. That really means a lot to me.

Dry, medium acidity,

medium-plus finish.

Pumpkin, undertones of lavender. Medium-plus body.

It's mostly pumpkin.

There's so much pumpkin, it's like a Charlie Brown Halloween special.

I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood,

old, dirty cashews from your grandfather's basement,

and just a hint of a robot's bathwater.

Ugh!

That one sucks.

An old world wine. Italian.

It's a Verdicchio Doc Classico, 2010.

Wait, sorry, this is embarrassing.

2011.

It's new world. Northern California, Napa Valley.

Some place beautiful and warm and amazing

where everyone is in great shape

and the night sky is full of stars!

This comes from your mother's butt.

Possibly your father's butt.

Oh, actually, wait, never mind, this is so embarrassing.

This comes from John McEnroe's butt from the year 3055.

Man, you were in the bathroom forever.

The receptionist said that Chipp will be out in just a second.

But check it out, I made all the little coffee pods they had.

Good work, Andy. Uh, I just need a minute.

I'm going to call Ben about nothing.

No problem. Take your time. I've got my hands full.

My parents make me so mad sometimes.

Just like the time they couldn't decide who gets the dog,

so they just dropped it off at the local synagogue.

I was, like, "Say what?"

Hold on, Ron. Hold that thought. Just for a sec.

- Hey, honey. - Hey.

Uh, it's your me. It's wife.

It's Leslie. Knope.

I have very big news for you.

Oh, well, my teeth are blue. Blueberries...

What? Are you having a stroke?

I was just saying to Ron that my dog's Jewish.

Oh. Phone water.

Ben? Hello?

Hello? Hi. Leslie?

Hello?

It's dead.

It's as dead as Stanley Kubrick.

I miss them both so much, Ron.

You know, Leslie sounded weird.

I don't want to wait for Tom. I want to walk home.

I'll join you. I'm always game for a brisk walk.

Also, if I leave you alone, I'm pretty sure you'll die.

Home is that way.

Watch out for that fence.

Who's that guy making moves on Xander?

I don't know, but he's real fancy. He's speaking French.

You know I picked up a little French-Canadian

when I dated that Montreal Expo.

Ah, Mister Haverford.

Allow me to introduce Terrence Montreaux.

He is a restaurateur like yourself.

You own a restaurant, too?

No, monsieur. I own 12.

I am here to find the best sommeliers as soon as they are,

how you say, certified.

That was my idea.

That is everyone's idea.

That is why we have this, how do you say, thing.

Okay, don't act like you don't know the word "thing."

With a filet mignon, I'd recommend a red.

Something bold and dry, like David Sedaris.

Perhaps you could recommend a Riesling instead.

Not if you're eating steak, you loon.

You know in the movies, when the cops show up

and find lipstick on a wine glass next to a dead body?

This is that wine.

I'll bring the girls You bring the beer

And the troops will bring the freedom

We're sorry to interrupt, Chipp. Hi.

We just wanted to say we are such big fans. It's an honor to meet you.

Yeah. Well, I'm very blessed.

And it's always nice to meet my amazing fans who keep me going.

You're the real superstars.

Thank you.

Can somebody give me one of those LunchStacks?

And stack them for me this time.

Cheese on top, or no one gets paid.

You got it, Chipp.

That's my dad. Guy's such an idiot.

We wanted to talk to you

about the Unity Concert in Pawnee.

You said you were going to do it, but then said you weren't.

We really want you to do it.

So...

Can you do it? Yeah.

Uh, no. I'm sorry, I got a previous engagement. It's a bummer.

Oh.

Here you go, Chipp.

Well, look at that. The cheese is on top.

Of turkey. You dick. I want ham.

Sorry, son. They were out of ham.

All right, well, maybe I should just let Mom be manager, then?

Pick them up, Skipp.

This guy's the worst.

I mean, it sucks that they didn't have ham.

But you can't treat your dad like that.

I know. He's a monster. But we need him.

Your job's not that hard, okay? Just anticipate my needs.

Anticipating, Chipp.

Of the 25 entrants today,

only one has deemed himself worthy of a sommelier certificate.

Oh, my God. Are you sure? No way.

Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you so much, everyone.

I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same.

And if you spend more than $5 on wine,

- you are very stupid. - Security.

I just want to thank all the people that got me here.

Norbit, uh, Pluto Nash, all the Klumps.

Congratulations to the next Indiana Master Sommelier,

Xander Truffant.

I've got to go talk to Xander before Terrence gets to him.

Cover me. Got you.

Oh, my goodness. Mon Dieu!

Xander. Yeah.

Look. Tom's Bistro is going to be the dopest,

quite possibly trillest restaurant in the area.

What do you say? You want to work with me?

Thank you, but I've already accepted an offer from Monsieur Montreaux.

I'll double whatever he's paying you.

You'll pay me $500,000 a year?

I will pay you one-tenth of whatever he's paying you.

Sorry.

Aw, man, this wine bottle is all out of the wine.

Well, hello, gentlemen.

What brings you out on this fine evening?

Mother.

Whoa! Where'd you come from?

Uh, that's a complicated question.

All depends on whether your conception of time is linear or circular.

What?

Hello, Ron. Ron.

You know this hobo?

He was my counterpart from the Eagleton Parks Department.

Dude. Are you a ghost?

Am I?

What is happening right now?

We know that you have that important other engagement...

Yo, I gots to get that haircut. Snip!

It's not just Pawnee that needs you. It's the entire region.

Permission to speak, son?

Pawnee is kind of the gateway to that whole region.

They do buy a lot of albums.

They sure ain't buying toothpaste. Bunch of dirty hicks.

What if we fly me in and out same day,

so I wouldn't have to spend a night in your crap town?

Excuse me. Pawnee is a good town.

With good people from all walks of life.

Plus, it is an amazing place to raise kids and start a family.

You think I care about that?

Look. I can do whatever I want. All right?

If I want to shoot a paintball gun at my dad, I'm going to do it.

Good shot, son. I'm proud of you.

You're crazy. This is over. Okay? Pawnee does not need you.

And you should know that, when you shook my hand earlier,

there was pee on my palms.

That makes us sound like hicks. We're not. Shut up. Stupid.

Okay. Let's go, Andy.

You get pee-palm, too? Every time! Shh!

You know what? That was awesome. You were great.

I thought you were going to punch that kid's lights out.

It was not awesome.

I lost our headliner, I can't stop throwing up,

and Ben has not called me back yet.

I'm sorry I'm so frazzled.

There's just a lot of things going on right now.

Personal things that I can't talk to you about.

You know, Leslie, sometimes life throws us crazy curves.

And yes, this moment may be the biggest curve

you've ever had to deal with.

But just because your family is getting bigger

does not mean that you can't handle it.

You and Ben can handle anything.

Wow!

Andy, thank you.

That's exactly what I needed to hear right now.

God, it's so weird that you know that I'm pregnant before Ben does.

Pregnant? Holy crap! Leslie!

Yeah. What did you think?

I thought you were getting a dog.

Why did you go like this?

That's a sign for petting a dog that's sitting on your lap.

Pregnant? Wow!

Oh, that's amazing.

Andy, I think we need to focus on the fact that we have lost our headliner.

We are out of options. It's time for a Hail Mary.

Scott Tanner, the lead singer of Land Ho, he lives in Pawnee, right?

I love him. I'm sure he knows Bob Dylan,

but I don't know if they're friends.

No, what if we go to him and beg him to reunite Land Ho?

For one night only. Let's do it.

Waitress, you mind boxing all this up, please?

Put it in a doggy bag.

She's gettin' a dog!

Sorry, I'm pretty drunk. Um.

Where are we?

Well, that's the big question, isn't it?

We're in Indiana. Can we go, please?

Mr. Ron Dunn,

I have something I'm very angry about,

but other Ron isn't helping me.

I can tell by the indigo on your Chiclets

that you've been drinking blueberry wine.

That's a good start.

The Wamapoke called it "mattapiqua."

They believed it had mystical powers.

Yeah, it also tastes like jelly.

So what's got your goat, there, friend?

My parents, they had this lake house,

and they sold it without telling me.

And so I was like, "Why?" You know?

I was like, "God, you guys!"

Oh. You're hanging onto that anger for dear life, compadre.

That's no way to live.

Let's role-play.

I'll be your father.

And, Ron, you take the role of Ben's anger.

Perfecto.

Well, goodnight, everyone.

I'm going to go home and feel totally fine.

Who am I kidding? I'm going to go home,

put on a Macy Gray album, and cry in the mirror!

Why are you bummed?

Yeah, we got drunk and made fun of a bunch of snobs. It was amazing.

Are you all blind? I want that job at Tom's Bistro.

I've been trying to show you for the last five hours.

You want the job? But you already work at Parks.

You can only afford a part-time sommelier anyway.

I mean, this is southern Indiana, not the Loire Valley.

Look, man, you know your stuff,

but you're like a crazy volcano.

You'd have to show me you can bring it down a notch.

I'll bring it down 1,000 notches if I have to!

How are we going to convince this guy to reunite Land Ho?

Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs.

Broken Scantron machine.

Okay, wait. Andy, that is not a good strategy, okay?

I will give him a brief explanation about the Unity Concert.

And you stand by. Stand by.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Hello? Scott Tanner.

It's Scott Tanner.

Ah... Hi. My name's Andy.

And this barfing lady over here is Leslie.

We just need 10 minutes of your time.

To do what?

To convince you to reunite Land Ho.

Listen, it means a lot to me that you guys loved the band.

And I'm going to tell you the exact same thing

I've told everyone who has ever asked us to reunite.

No.

Listen, I know that you and the band

aren't on the best of terms right now.

But bringing people together is exactly

what we want to talk to you about.

Hold that. Hold that down at the bottom. Yeah. Yeah.

This looks like it's going to be a great concert.

The band just does not play anymore.

Well, I understand.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

My stomach is trying to murder me.

You still drunk from last night? I've been there.

You know, this town still loves you.

I'm in a band myself, actually. Mouse Rat.

And we cover about five of your songs and they just go nuts.

Really? Which ones?

Catapult me into the sun

And I'll burn, baby, burn

Oh, yeah.

Johnny Karate?

I thought you said your name was Andy.

Oh, yeah, it is. I'm also a children's performer.

He played at Joey's birthday and he's awesome.

Sing Karate Chop Master.

I'll do it as long as your dad sings along.

It's easy. You'll pick it up.

Karate chop master I'm a karate chop master

And I will karate chop you

Chop, chop, chop, chop Kick, kick, kick, kick, chop

Scott, you sing.

Chop, chop, kick, kick Kick, kick, kick, kick, chop

No. Just listen to me.

Chop and a chop and a kick-kick-kick-kick chop

And tighten the throat And chop-a-kick chop

Now, your turn.

Chop, chop, kick, kick, chop

Harmony! Oh, my God!

Chop, chop, kick Chop, kick-kick-kick

And a chop and a kick and a kick and a...

No.

No. It's not... You didn't... I mean... Just listen.

Good evening. May I assist you with a wine tonight?

Yeah. I'm having fish, so maybe a full-bodied red?

You know, sir, you might want to consider

something white to go with your fish.

No. Red.

And bring some ice cubes.

I like ice cubes in my red wine.

I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine

mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine,

served in a dog bowl.

And silly straws all around, please.

I'll be right back with my recommendations.

He seems to be keeping it together.

What kind of monster orders red with fish?

I know they're messing with me and it's just a test,

but have some decency!

Can you hear everything people say in that conference room?

I've been taking what I thought were private phone calls.

I've heard everything.

I know all about the car dealership in Tampa.

If you tell anyone...

Okay.

For you, sir, a light, crisp Pinot with just a hint of lemon

to bring out the flavors in your fish.

I brought you a bold Cabernet,

which should still taste okay when watered down.

And for you, madam, would you consider this rose?

It's halfway between red and white.

Thanks very much. Enjoy.

I think I may have found my new sommelier.

That was so embarrassing!

We'll have to make sure the wine cellar at Tom's Bistro is soundproof.

That was amazing.

That was ridiculous.

That was beautiful.

You're surrendering to the Earth Mother.

Now, stare into the fire and picture your spirit animal.

I don't know what my spirit animal is.

Because it doesn't exist

because that's nonsense because you're an adult.

Baby snow owl.

He's right.

Our spirit animals connect us to the natural world.

You need to remain open to their message.

Watch.

Welcome back, old friend.

Whoa!

If you really want to cleanse yourself of that anger,

take that check and send it into the flames.

And up into the air with your screams.

Do not burn that check. It is money.

No. Ron is right, Ron.

There, there, baby snow owl.

You're safe now.

Take it easy, Chipp.

Hey, check it out. Scott Tanner just posted to the band's old website

that Land Ho is playing the Unity Concert.

People are going crazy. We've sold 500 tickets so far!

God, Andy, that's so great. You really saved the day.

Especially since I threw up in that guy's piano.

You got it, boss. We got your back.

Now you need to get home.

You and Ben have some planning to do.

Yeah.

You're gonna need a cage, a water bowl.

Right. Thanks. You have a good vet?

Tick medicine.

This is him right here.

I'll also get out here and walk home. You sure?

This thing runs on vegetable oil and bat guano.

Actually cleans the air as it drives.

Quite sure. Thank you.

Hey.

Thank you for helping me with my anger.

Brother, the greatest journey you'll ever know

is this one we call life.

You've already emerged from your cocoon.

Now the question is, will you fly?

Yeah, I don't feel any better. I'm still angry. Damn it.

I don't know why this lake house thing is driving me so crazy.

Sorry we couldn't help you work through your problems.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got a lady, two little girls,

and an infant waiting for me.

It's always nice to see the kids at the end of a long day.

Really puts things in perspective.

Oh, my God. Ben, I have so much to tell you.

We got Land Ho to play the Unity Concert.

Whoa! What happened to you?

It doesn't matter.

I thought I was upset because my parents are insane.

But Ron kind of just showed me the real reason.

I have so many childhood memories at that lake house

that, in the back of my mind, I always pictured taking my kids,

or taking our kids there.

I want to start our family.

I mean, I know things are crazy, but there's no good time.

And I want to do it. Now.

Well, buddy, I've got some good news for you.

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