Original subtitles

Babe, you've gone crazy.

The only thing I'm crazy about

is a magnificent, pregnant manta ray named Ann Perkins.

I am ranking topics of conversation for our next phone call.

The worst part about your best friend living in another stupid state

is the topics really pile up.

What do you think should be higher priority,

infinity scarves,

or whether or not it's worth it for me to get Showtime?

Is this really necessary?

When she moved, we promised each other that we would talk every day.

And we've really fallen behind.

I know your female friends are very important to you,

but I'm always a good sounding board.

I mean, I can talk about Sandra Bullock's skirt length.

No, no, babe, you can't. You would just embarrass yourself.

Plus, every time I start talking to you,

five seconds later, I want to jump your bones.

Ooh, let's do that instead.

See? That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, okay. Let's do this. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ripped By mstoll

On to the Unity Concert.

Ben is meeting with the tent people to finalize those deals.

April and Donna will be helping me

with the vendor location charts,

and I will be meeting with the surveyors about the concert grounds.

I would like to volunteer to do the park survey myself.

Wow, Ron, I always knew there would be

a day when I would get through to you

and you would love government work.

Today is that historic day.

Yes, that is what has happened.

Spending the day outside, alone, sounds like a dream.

I love being a father, but there are a few things I miss.

Silence, the absence of noise,

one single moment undisturbed

by the sounds of a children's TV program

called "Doc McStuffins."

There is no quiet anymore.

There is only Doc McStuffins.

Sorry, I'm late.

Andy, why don't you go with Ron and help him?

I really don't need...

Shotgun. I called shotgun. Where are we going?

Doesn't matter. Shotgun.

Shotgun on all rides for the rest of the day.

For the rest of my life, in any car.

I just faced you suckers.

So, I'll see you in the parking lot, Ron. Later!

Is the tent guy left-handed or right-handed?

I just need to know which way to

part my hair to get us a better price.

It's a business theory I'm working on.

I really don't think it matters. Pretty straight-forward deal.

A straight-forward deal? Why didn't you tell me?

I don't have my "straight-forward deal" fedora on me.

We've got to stop by my storage unit on the way up.

Hey, Larry. Hey, you want to come with us to Tent World?

Little road trip? Tent World?

Yeah. Let me grab my lunch.

No. Why did you invite Larry?

He's been doing all the paperwork for this deal.

He deserves to come.

Remember you said that when Larry's farting up the car.

Larry isn't that bad. He's nice.

And frankly, I don't care who knows that I said that,

As long as no one knows that I said that.

Okay, ladies, I will be in my office

for one to seven hours for my weekly chat with Ann.

I brought some fresh snacks.

And I made a backup plan for the vendor chart in case yours isn't good.

Actually, Ann called while you were in the bathroom.

She said something came up. She'd call you later.

I don't know. I told her to leave you a voicemail.

God, why did you let me say all that?

I'm coming, Ann's voicemail! I'm coming!

Listen to me very carefully. I have not been taken.

I know that's always your first fear when I'm not available,

but this is not a Liam Neeson Taken scenario.

That's exactly what they'd make you say.

Also, no one's making me say this.

I am a free woman, un-taken, simply going about my business.

I just had to run. Something came up.

I love you, and I'll call you later.

Donna. What's good, baby?

What's going down in Donna-town?

What's the haps in Meagle-wood?

I'm listening to Jaleel or No Deal.

It's a podcast where the kid who played

Urkel reviews old Deal or No Deal episodes.

It's pointless and I love it.

Okay. Don't let me interrupt.

April, what's the 4-1-1, Little Mama?

What's the hot goss? Who you crushing on these days?

My husband, weirdo. Can I get back to work now? Thanks. Bye.

Work? You can work whenever. Except for now.

Because now is lady time.

You sound like a tampon commercial.

I'm setting up an impromptu Galentine's Day.

Really? Yeah.

Wait, I thought you weren't going to do Galentine's Day this year

because that she-beast moved away. I believe her name was Satan?

Her name is Ann and she is gone, and I have accepted it,

and we are going to have Galentine's Day. Ladies, up front.

I need an Ann who lives in Pawnee.

And there is no one obvious candidate, so, I will test them out

on the ultimate battlefield of female friendship, Galentine's Day brunch.

It will be a women's-only

marathon bonding session with tons of whipped cream.

Side note, do not google that phrase.

Hey, Ron, can I ask you kind of an important question?

You know, like, when you go to the ATM and you get money,

is there an actual guy standing behind

the wall who slides dollar bills in there?

No. Yeah. It's robots.

Actually, you know what? I do have a serious question.

In the movie Predator, can you rub any kind of mud on yourself

to prevent Predator from seeing you

with his thermal heat signature sight?

Or is it more...

That sucks. Are you hurt?

No, all good. All good.

Oops.

Except for my mouth.

Oh, whoa!

Five-second rule.

No. Ah!

Come on. We better get you to a dentist.

Oh, my God, Larry. Your tuna fish sandwich stunk up my suit.

Gayle made it for me. Irrelevant. You know what?

Stay out here and double-check these deal memos.

If you get through them, triple-check them. Just don't come inside.

Sounds good. I will finish my sandwich and enjoy the view.

Hey, Harvey.

Ben Wyatt. We spoke on the phone? Yeah.

Yeah, we sure did. Okay. Who's this little genie right here?

Tom Haverford. Pawnee Business Liaison.

Okay. I've got your contracts for you right here.

Wow. It's a lot thicker than the original, one-page version.

I take tents pretty seriously, Ben. I'm a tent guy.

I've got over 1,300 tents in this warehouse alone.

Nine hundred of those are over 2,000 square feet,

80 of them are striped,

and exactly four of them were once rented by Ms. Rene Russo.

Whoa! Yeah. No doy. I think I know what I'm doing.

So, I added a few syllables and what not.

Clauses, et cetera. Addendums, what have you.

Why don't you go ahead and sign that for me?

Yeah, I think we're going to need to take a look at this.

So, I guess this is not a straight-forward deal.

Shauna, I'm so glad you could make it. You're so tan.

Thanks. I just got back from a solo trip to Rome.

I was going to go with my boyfriend,

but he couldn't come because he decided to stay with his wife.

I love Rome. It's such a great place.

Rome's played out. Have y'all been to Kuala Lumpur?

When did you go to Asia?

I go all the time.

Where do you think I got that crystal Buddha head above my Jacuzzi?

You have a Jacuzzi? Good to know.

Prospects for new Pawnee Best Friend.

Donna Meagle. Confident, worldly, we go way back.

April Ludgate. Vivid imagination, young, and vibrant.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep. Pretty, fragile, makes terrible life decisions.

A real fixer-upper, but look,

it's not like Ann was doing so hot when I met her.

Ethel Beavers. A bit of a dark horse. Crotchety, but probably wise.

And then, we've got Evelyn, aka "Fake Ann."

I don't know her last name. Honestly, we just needed bodies.

Thank you, everyone, for getting together on such short notice.

And Happy Galentine's Day.

Now, this is not technically the right date,

but anytime a group of women get together for brunch,

we embody the spirit of the holiday.

Today, we will celebrate friendship, spend a few hours together,

and answer a couple of questions I've compiled.

Just for fun. Nothing serious.

But please answer them with complete honesty

'cause I'll be able to tell if you're lying.

To girlfriends!

Okay. It's time for a little Galentine's Day Q and A.

Donna, you pick first.

"What is your favorite TV show?"

Well, for live-tweeting, it's Scandal.

For binge-watching, it's Scandal.

But for fashion, it's actually Scandal. My answer is Scandal.

Hmm. April?

I love watching Russian traffic accidents on YouTube,

while I play children's music at the wrong RPM.

I like beauty pageants. Everyone is so happy and perfect.

I like Diagnosis Murder and skin flicks.

Can anybody top me off?

The correct answer for favorite TV show is Friday Night Lights.

The correct answer?

Next question.

Okay, this contract is insane.

It costs extra to have people inside the tents?

And what's a flap tax?

Well, you need flaps, bro. A tent without flaps is basically a parachute.

An unfolding charge?

A noise-damage waiver? How can noise damage tents?

Keep your voice down, please. There are tents here.

Now, look, you can argue with me all you want.

But for every line item that you two idiots disagree with,

there's gonna be a $50 discussion surcharge.

What are we up to, doll?

Four hundred dollars.

A discussion surcharge? That's nuts.

Four hundred and fifty dollars.

That's it. Deal's off. We'll take our business elsewhere.

Suit yourself, gentlemen. Sorry we couldn't make a deal.

Wait, wait. Let me try one more thing.

What's the price now?

Eighty dollars more. I liked it better the other way.

It does have an effect, though.

The receptionist said she'll fit you in as soon as there's an opening.

If you're all right, I'm going to head back to the park.

Yeah, but real quick, real quick.

Do you know what my social security number is?

Or if I'm allergic to anything?

I don't like corn. Should I put that down?

Or will that be confusing because I do like candy corn?

Ron. What a mess.

Here, let me help you.

All I wanted was two hours where I got to forget that I was a parent.

Ron, look. I found all three differences.

Those are two completely different pictures.

"Ladies' Choice."

Wildcard option. Okay.

Anybody reveal anything about their life. Anything at all.

I've gotten two annulments.

One for pleasure,

and one to cap off a long-con I was running against Keith Sweat.

Ethel, have you... Okay, Ethel's asleep.

Shauna?

I'm writing a memoir based on my blog.

It's called, "Tweeping up Appearances."

And it's about my journey to find happiness by smiling through the pain.

Okay, I can work with that.

Knope, what you got going on in that notebook?

Just jotting down memories in my trusty old journal.

"Friendship Rankings." What's that?

It's not what it sounds like.

It's simply a way for me to figure out which one of you is the best.

That's messed up. Yeah, that is really lame and I'm leaving.

You're better than that, Knope.

Donna, why are you angry? You are in first place.

Bye, everyone. This was a really...

Brunch. Leave the bag.

If you do this again next year,

don't call me.

Well, by default, it's Shauna.

That's how you want to find your new best friend, right? By default?

My pores are clogged up from being in that dusty warehouse.

I'm going to check if this gas station has some Bior� strips.

Thanks, Larry. That's nice of you.

Gayle always has me do the windshield.

She likes to stand behind me and watch.

According to her, it's the best view.

How is Gayle?

Wonderful.

And the girls?

They're good.

Why do you want to know?

I'm genuinely interested?

I'm sorry. I'm just not used to

people from the office asking me things.

It's kind of scary. In a good way, though.

Man, did I miss a Larry fart?

No. We were just...

Yeah, Tom. I really ripped one.

Didn't I, Ben?

Yeah. Yeah. It was loud.

It smells like a hippopotamus took a dump on a skunk.

It's in your best interest.

Well, the numbers don't lie. I'm a Goofus, not a Gallant.

We've been here forever. Can we go?

Don't you want to get your tooth fixed?

I don't know. I think my tooth looks fine just like this.

Well, my grandmother was missing that tooth,

and she was the most beautiful woman on her oil rig.

You are an adult. I'm not your dad.

If you want to go, we can go.

Thanks, Ron. I just want you to know, even though you're not my dad,

you're like an old brother to me.

Like a cool uncle, but old like a grandpa.

But cool like a son.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

No problem. That will be $8, please.

What, you're charging us for coffee?

What kind of a business would... Uh-oh.

Hello, gentlemen.

You've got to be kidding me. You own this place, too?

That's right, dickweed. You want to talk deal?

Because my prices have gone up ever so slightly since I saw you last.

No, we're not giving in to your crazy demands.

There are plenty of other tent rental places within driving distance.

Yeah. I'm calling Tent Emporium. Right now.

Tent Emporium. How can I help you, buttface?

What? Come on.

Yes. I own every tent store in Southern Indiana.

Tent Town, Rent Ten Tents, The Tent Offensive,

Tent Detective.

I also own a Chick-fil-A franchise.

That's not doing so hot right now. Whatever.

Let's get out of here.

You've reached The Tentagon. How can I help you, buttface?

Okay, here's an idea. Why don't we find something...

Anything, no matter how small, that we have in common?

For example, I'm an only child. Me, too.

Although, when I was in college,

I found out that my dad had a second family.

Well, we were the second family, technically.

Okay. Well, we both went to college.

There's that. Yeah.

Oh, my God! Ann had her baby! Wow, this has been fun.

The bill is already paid.

May I gently suggest that you check out

Chris Traeger's wonderful therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard?

Although there is a tiny part of me that always thought

it was just Chris talking into a mirror.

Anyway, maybe you should look him up.

I don't know. I read a book once that said

a woman should never make the first move.

That doesn't apply to therapy. Okay. Good luck.

Oliver Perkins-Traeger, meet your Aunt Leslie.

Hey! Oh, he's so beautiful.

And you're so beautiful. I mean, you're always beautiful.

But right now, you are the most beautiful, glowing sun goddess ever.

Why didn't you tell me you were in labor?

Well, because I knew you'd drop everything and rush here.

And contractions can sometimes go for days. Thank you.

So, I didn't want you to be stuck waiting around.

Well, I'm glad I'm here now. Where's Chris?

He was such a good coach

that the nurses asked him to help out with a delivery down the hall.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Andrew, you need to get your tooth fixed.

No way. I'm not going back there.

I already won all the magazine mazes.

Don't worry, it's going to be fine.

Ow!

If you don't take care of the problem now, it's only going to get worse.

Come on. I'll drive you back.

Fine. Let me just wolf down this peanut brittle real quick.

Why would you do that?

Right. Because calories.

We're dead.

The only tent store this guy doesn't own is 300 miles away.

Hang on, here's a place that might work.

It's called "Sweaty Roger's Pants Tent."

No, you can't rent tents there.

Hey, guys.

Look, I was double-checking all the paperwork that Tom gave me

in that super fun parking lot,

and there was something about Harvey's corporate structure

that just seemed fishy.

So I dug around, and it turns out

he has got a lot of code violations.

Whoa! Hmm-mmm.

Larry, this is great stuff.

I never thought I would say it,

but I'm a genius for making you stay outside and do a menial task.

Couldn't agree more. You did it, Tom.

I don't want to drive back. I miss you so much.

No one even comes close to you as a friend.

I even tried to rank the women at work, but that was a total bust.

You ranked them?

I thought maybe I could use Galentine's Day as an opportunity...

Leslie, Galentine's Day?

What do you want me to do, Ann?

I need to find a replacement.

And don't worry, it didn't work.

Nobody can match your ethnic hybrid energy.

Everybody brings their own unique strengths to the table.

Some that even I don't have.

You shut your mouth. You have all the strengths.

Look, you love harder than anyone I know. It's tough to match.

And I know Donna and April don't show it,

but they would do anything for you.

And it's not like you and I always see eye to eye.

I mean, Friday Night Lights?

I am more of a Riggins girl, and you lean Saracen.

Yeah, because Riggins is a criminal.

He took the fall for his brother.

Okay, he didn't watch out for his brother.

I'm not having this conversation with you again.

That family is garbage.

The point is, we didn't always like the same stuff

when we first became friends.

Just don't force it. Give it some time.

I know. You're right, Ann. Thank you.

It's just, I'm missing you and there's

so much stuff I want to talk to you about.

Well, you're here now. So, let's talk.

I think Oliver has more pressing business.

Okay, but we should talk soon.

Because I almost bought a toe ring the other day.

What? Ann, you're somebody's mother. I know.

Okay. I'm going to give you two some time.

I'll call you from the car.

I'll be out here if you need me.

Thanks for doing this, Ron.

When it's all said and done, there were a few mazes I'd cheated on.

Also, the inside of my mouth is black and hot.

So, do I strip down to my underwear, or all the way naked?

Hello, Diane. I am coming home soon to relieve you.

Give you a little break.

It's no trouble at all. I'm a parent. I'm always on duty.

What flavor ice cream would you and the children like?

I'm getting some for a 30-year-old who works for me,

so, I can bring some home for you, too.

Hello, Harvey.

We found a glaring number of code violations you've committed.

I could see to it that you never rent

another tent in this region again.

Gentlemen, I've won two online satellite Jamaican poker tournaments.

I can tell that you're bluffing.

Your Pawnee business license has lapsed,

which negates most of the deals you've made this year.

I'm guessing you're pretty bad at poker.

I am. And I was bluffing about winning those tournaments.

Gentlemen, clearly, there's been a misunderstanding here.

I'm hoping that we can reach some kind of a compromise.

Yeah. First off, I need to know

where you got these zebra print pillows.

Second of all, I've got a Tin Cup Blu-ray

itching for a Rene Russo signature. Tom.

The compromise is that you're going to

sign the deal we originally agreed upon.

We're going to let you continue renting tents,

and you're going to do it at a fair price.

And Larry? He's the guy that brought you down,

and he's going to be watching you like a hawk.

Oh, hey. I'm Larry. Great to know you. I love Tent World.

God! Can you just be cool for one second?

Okay.

Black coffee with extra grounds, gross, for April,

and a mocha ice blended for Donna.

Guys, I totally blew it. I was all screwed up and I'm really sorry.

You're wonderful friends, and I love you.

We love your crazy ass, too, Knope.

I think you're fine. Like, a solid B-minus.

Great. I'll take it.

We know you've been missing Ann so we got you this.

Press the paw.

Hi, Leslie. It's Ann. I love you,

and everything's gonna be okay.

It's cute, right?

I'm very lucky to have you both.

When Ann and I used to fight, we would make up with a five-minute hug.

You touch me and I stab the bunny.

Yeah, it's about time for my mid-morning mani, so I'm gonna to head out.

Okay. Well, that's fine.

We'll forge our own unique traditions

in the fiery cauldron of female friendship.

I'm just an impartial bunny, but I think Ann sucks.

Also, I'm the Zodiac Killer.

And we might even be able to pull it off under budget.

Sorry. Sorry, you guys. I'm sorry. I'm trying to find my inhaler.

Because I'm having a little...

Take your time. It's not like we're trying to get work done here.

Yeah, Larry. By the way, you're looking in the wrong spot.

Your inhaler is hidden under the pile

of pistachio shells on my desk, obviously.

Okay, well, that's funny because I'm terribly allergic to pistachios.

Classic.

Okay. You know what? I need to say something.

I like Larry.

He's a good friend, and a fine man

with an inexplicably gorgeous wife.

I mean, to the point where it makes no sense at all.

Sorry. I'm getting off track.

He's a nice person.

And we should all stand up and say

I like...

Ben, no! What are you doing?

He's embarrassing himself and throwing away his career.

Sweetheart, stop.

O Captain! My Captain!

What is happening?

Larry is my friend.

Thank you, Ben. I mean that.

Oh!

Got so startled, I tooted.

Come on, man. Gross.

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